THE GIFT OF ONE’S SELF

 

It occurred to me last Fall that I would be spending Christmas 2002, alone… no family anymore. Money was short.. and really not many to buy presents for.  My son, Andrew at 23, was on his own and soon leaving for Florida to be with his father in Key West.  My marriage had ended in between the loss of both my parents. My mother, Olive, had passed away in February of 2000 and my father, George passed away the next February 2001.  Since I was an only adopted child, I had no siblings.  In my whole life, I had never experienced one moment of living without my parents. And I had never spent one Christmas without my mother and father… Lots of presents, a Swedish smorgasbord, baking tons of things starting right after Thanksgiving… cleaning the house until everything sparkled.  That chapter of my “family” life was gone forever now... they had always been a part of my life for as far back as I could remember… almost.

 

I have always known that I was adopted… as my mother had always told me I was “special” because I was wanted twice. I have had a fleeting picture in my mind’s eye for as long as I can remember, of laying on my back in a crib in a large room of many cribs.  My view of one wall held  many large windows on one wall.  The windows were open with light- weight curtains gently billowing with a gentle Spring breeze. – somewhere with a second story view of many large tree branches  – mostly barren but beginning to bud.  There were some women in the room wearing white covering their heads – resembling nuns. I wrote it off vision of memroy to being in some type of orphanage for the first six months of my life.

 

I had grown to believe that my birth mother must have loved me very much to give me up, in the knowing she was giving me a better life than what she was able to provide me.  When I became a young woman and was unable to have children of my own… I gained a new and wider appreciation for adoption because without a biological mother’s giving, I would not have received the gift of having a son myself ( who happened to have been born on Good Friday in 1978)

 

What does it feel like to be adopted?  Remember discussions in science class in school about the concept of the infinity of space.. going vastly beyond comprehension.. unending blackness?  Unending void.  A vacuum of life I would never know.  Something you didn’t necessarily have to understand.. but just something you had to accept.  So it is with adoption. There is your coming into the world, being born of  persons you will never know, never meet, and the government deciding you do not have the right to know about your own truth.  It’s just the way it is.. You have no choice in the matter. It’s just something you have to accept :  Blindness, ignorance. And you do accept it, and you do go on.  You grow, you accomplish, find love, have families of your own, you live.  But all the while… there is a void, a vacuum of your origins that you will never know. It’s a  small pocket of internal sadness and aloneness you carry with you always.

 

My adoptive mother had always told me she recalled my birth name was Barbara and that I  was of German/English descent – notes left to my mother from a caseworker – and bequeathed to me.  Some 49 years later, while cleaning out my mother and father’s safe…I came across my final adoption papers sealed in a yellowing envelope with my name “stephanie lynn” penciled in my mother’s script. Upon opening it, for the first time my eyes fell upon a my final adoption papers signed by Garner Shriver which stated my birth name was “Barbara Lee Horton” would be changed to Stephanie Lynn A.  I crumpled to my knees in front of the safe, bawling my eyes out, knowing my adoptive mother – her love for me being unending - had saved this important piece of my life for me.

 

Online one night… I was surfing around and decided to do a search on adoption stuff in general. Somehow.. I don’t remember quite how.. I ran across the information that Kansas and Alaska were the only two states that allowed adoptees to get a copy of their original birth certificate. This was to become my Christmas gift to myself in 2002.

 

Shortly before Christmas, an envelope arrived from vital statistics in Topeka.  I took the envelope to the kitchen table and just stared at it for a while, fearing to open it – not knowing what I would find.  Inside would be my biological parents’ names – or so I thought.

 

I opened it,, my eyes darting from one section to another.. not remembering a thing…going back over it again and again. My mother’s name was Ann Louise Horton, age 31 at my birth, currently residing in Golden City, MO, originally from Texas.   I was born at Booth Memorial Hospital in Wichita.  Booth Memorial in Wichita?  I grew up and lived in Wichita until I was 21 years old and had never heard of that hospital.  My eyes scoured the bottom….there was no information about my father !!!!  How can that be???  I had a father didn’t I? Where was his name ??? I was so overwhelmed with anger and frustration.. I had failed to notice the greatest surprise of all at the bottom:

 

I HAD SIBLINGS !!!!!  At the time of my birth, one sibling had died, and three others were alive. (This became the greatest clue that Glen and Ann were indeed my parents and the correct Horton family to pursue). Oh my God.  I had never, not once, given any thought to the idea that I might have brothers and sisters. I had always been an “only child” -  why should anything be any different now? I guess I had just assumed I was the illegitimate child of a young couple. Siblings?  How could that be?  Had the other children been given up for adoption also? If not, why did she keep them and not keep me?  ( I have come to realize that I was very fortunate not knowing this in my childhood, as it would have haunted me, and most undoubtedly effected the way I grew up and my sense of self.)

 

At that very moment, I knew my life had changed. Forget worrying about the father!  Where were my brothers and sisters !!!!!!  I have siblings !!!!   I AM NOT ALONE !  Again, at the drop of a pin, I was reduced to uncontrollable tears to the point I could hardly breath. That night as I lie in bed, my mind racing.  I knew at that moment I needed to pray and ask God for strength, endurance and guidance in the journey that lay before me.

 

THE QUEST

 

Where to begin?  Golden City seemed like a good place. Out came the Rand McNally road atlas to locate Golden City. Then off the to the computer to “map quest” and ultimately a Web Site of Golden City / Lamar in Barton County MO.  Golden City was small with a population of about 800 (similar to Walton, KS).  Knowing small towns don’t change much over the years – and some family members are usually around - I sent emails to the City Clerk of Golden City that were not answered. I finally called the city clerk and got the name of the local sexton for the IOOF cemetery in Barton and wrote him. But he didn’t respond either.  The Chamber of Commerce listed a Horton Jewelry Store in Lamar. Could this be my family?  I consulted Yahoo, MSN people search white pages and came up with five Horton families that still were listed in Golden City.  I drafted a letter stating I was doing family tree research on Ann Horton from the Golden City area without mentioning the “adoption” issue as I didn’t want to disrupt or hurt any others in my search. I was in the hopes that some kind soul might respond.  Larry Chester & Velma Horton, Dana Horton, nor Helen Horton responded. But Linda Horton-Brunner – angel, my kind soul, did answer me with an email :

 

·        “I think the possibility exists that there is a tie between your family, and mine. My father (Chester), had a brother Glen that I mentioned earlier. I know that Glen was married to a woman named Ann. Afraid I don't know her middle name, or maiden name. I also know that Glen and Ann had at least three children together, and lived in the Golden City area. These children would be my first cousins. I have never met them, and do not know where any of them might be. I do know that the oldest was named Donald Ray, that there was another daughter, Rowena, and another, Eileen. (not sure of the spelling) Mom thought there was also a fourth child. The memories I have of Uncle Glen are when he lived around Eldon, Missouri. He had a salvage yard up there, and on occasion, he would travel to Golden City, to visit with my father, Chester. Usually for some auto part or something. I don't think this particular Horton family was prone to closeness.”

 

God had sent me an angel for my shoulder. – Linda.  Another prayer was offered up in gratitude and guidance.

 

When Linda wrote of the “fourth child” I thought that might have been ME !  I immediately began searches on the internet for a Ann / Annie Horton. If Ann was age 31 at the time of my birth - then if she was born before May = 1920, if after May = 1919.  My SSDI searches took me many directions across the United States – none of which were fruitful.

 

I also registered myself with as many adoption search registries online that I could find. Those registries were not helpful as no one was looking for me.

 

·        International Soundex Reunion Registry

·        NAIC – National Adoption Information Clearinghouse

·        Adoptionregistry.com

·        Birthfamily.com

 

One evening while working on familysearch.org I turned “off” the exact spelling. Soundex pulled up:

 

Glen Horten  (obvious typo/misspelling)

DOB  March 28, 1919

DOD  January 20, 1990

SS    513-14-9227

Death Residence Localities Olean, Miller County, MO

 

Linda Horton Brunner had also mentioned that Glen was later married to a woman named Mae and they had lived in the Elton, MO area. This resulted in another SSDI search:

 

Mae B Horton (previously Rea)

DOB  October 8, 1911

DOD  October 6, 1999

SS   489-07-9382

Death Residence, Eldon, Miller County, MO

 

Further internet research through newspaper obituaries resulted in:

 

Jefferson City NEWS TRIBUNE

HORTON

Mae Rea Horton, 87, Eldon, died Oct. 6, 1999 at Capital Region Medical Center. She was born Oct. 8, 1911 in Olean, a daughter of George W. and Daisy Rebecca Walker Brouse.  She was married May 14, 1933, to George L. Rea, who preceded her in death. She was married September 5, 1959 (eight years after my birth) top Glen R. Horton, who also preceded her in death. …. Visitation at Phillips Funeral Home in Eldon. (Her children from George Rea were only ones listed as survivors.)

 

 

Following that lead, I wrote Phillips Funeral Home in Eldon, to find out what funeral/obit information they might have on Glen R. Horton since families usually use the same funeral home for arrangements.  I was in the hopes they had some information about his children (my potential siblings), the daughters’ married names, and their locations in 1990.

 

 

On January 16, 2003 I received a fax from Margie at Phillips Funeral Home, Five South Oak, Eldon, MO 65026

 

Name…………………… .Glen R. Horton

Age ………………………70

Residence……………….Olean, MO

Date of Birth…………… March28, 1919

Place of Birth…………. .Pittsburg, KS

Parents…………………..Guy Horton & Bernice Schneider (This Schneider was an error by the Rea family I believe)

Date of Death ……….…January 20, 1990

Place of Death………… Rt 1, Box 82, Olean, MO

City, State of Death…   Olean, MO

Married to……………….Mae Brouse Rea

Date/Place Marriage…..9/5/59 Harrison, Arkansas (Boone County)

Occupation……………..Truck Driver

 

Survivors and General Information:

Wife:……………………………Mae Horton

Step Sons………….……..G.D. Rea    Kansas City, MO

             ……………. Walter Rea Valle Jo, California (note that Walter is now deceased)

Brother …………………… Chester Horton (This is Linda Horton-Brunner’s dad who is now deceased as well)

                       Five Grandchildren, two great grandchildren

 

Lived in Miller County since 1959.  Member of the Seventh Day Advent Church.  Owner and operator of an independent trucking operation. Owned and operated automobile repair garages in Mt. Pleasant and Olean.

 

Visitation  6 pm – 8 pm Sunday and 9 am – 3:30pm Monday at the funeral home.

Minister:  Rev. Eldon Myers

Date and Hour of Service  January 22  4 pm Monday

Place of Service   Graveside – Greenmore Memorial Park

Palce of Interment   Greenmore Memorial Park, Barnett MO  ( I have maps if anyone is interested)

 

NOTE TO MY SIBLINGS:   I was quite disheartened that no mention of Ann and Glen’s children was made as “survivors” in Glen’s obituary. Lesia Horton, Dennis Horton’s daughter telephoned  G.D. Rea in Kansas City (9302 Lewis Ave, Kansas City, 64138  phone 816/763-0651)  to see if Mae’s family might know the whereabouts of Donald, Rowena or Eileen.  G.D Rea was quite friendly and gracious in his conversation but had no idea that Glen had children from a previous marriage.  I was unable to download any obituary from the newspaper online, as the transcribed records do not go back to 1990,

 

***************

Meanwhile.. I had several other avenues of investigation open.  People I talked with told me the Booth Memorial Hospitals were part of the Salvation Army and usually hospitals for unwed mothers.  So I wrote :

 

Salvation Army Booth Memorial Hospital Records through:

Astrid Steinsland

Salvation Army Home & Hospital Records

10 Algonquin Rd

Des Plaines, IL 60016

 

They wrote me back January 13, 2003 stating that the Wichita address was 2050 Grand Blvd. Now if you have lived in Wichita, you KNOW there is no Grand Blvd. in Wichita.   Another communication on February 11, 2003 with the Kansas State Historical Society revealed that it had been located at 2050 W. 11^th Street circa 1951.  Saturday  February 15^th , my partner, Marvin, and I drove to Wichita in search of the hospital.  This location is close to where 13^th Street crosses the Arkansas river. The addresses jump back and forth across the river as it winds through the city. We had almost given up hope… but then.. through the  mature tree branches around a golf course.. this two story, yellow brick building appeared - Very regal in appearance with two-story,  white painted columns flanking the  front door and large, white trimmed windows with a second story screened in balcony.  Amidst the still-bitter winds and blowing sleet, I jumped out of the car to get closer. I had found where I entered this world, and understood the fleeting memory of laying in a crib, looking out a window at budding trees from a second story view.  Another one of those moments when I was reduced to tears at a second’s notice.

 

**************

 

Since I had successfully located Glen’s Social Security number, I mailed SS to receive a copy of his original application for a SS number.  It revealed:

 

 

            Another trip to the computer and website for New Braufels, TX.  It is a community, rich with German heritage. Located on interstate 35, just north of San Antonio ( and by coincidence – just a few miles from Sequin, TX where Ann Louise Horton was born. Perhaps this is were Ann and Glen met.)

 

*******************************

 

My next search was prison records.  I contacted Timothy Rives at NARA (National Archives – Central Plains Region). He checked the Bureau of Prisons index to Released Inmates 1927-1960 but did not find a Glen R Horton.  Therefore it was not Federal Prison, but more like state prison – Lansing.

 

My next contact was the Kansas State Historical Society in Topeka. They responded to me on January 22, 2003 reporting “the only card they found in their prisoner index for a Glen Horton was a “series 3 record” and they were not authorized to release it”.

 

Finally, writing to Bill Miskell, Public Information Officer at the Dept of Corrections, Landon State Office Bldg in Topeka Kansas January 27, 2003, resulted in the prison records I received in early March, 2003. There were several pages of documents. Following is the overall information:

 

The papers sent to me by KS DOC reflect that Glen Reavy Horton, prisoner # 9972,  was sentenced on February 23, 1950 to a term of 1-10 years in Pottawatomie County District Court for one count of 2^nd Degree Forgery. Pottawatomie County is just north of Interstate 70, between Manhattan and Topeka, KS. This is quite a distance from Pittsburgh, Crawford County, KS – where Glen was born and even further from Liberal & Golden City, MO where Ann and Glen had resided.  At the time of his incarceration, he had been employed as a mechanic.

 

·        Glen was received at the Kansas State Penitentiary at Lansing on February 28, 1950.  He was released on parole a little after 1 year on March 8, 1951… three months before I was born.  Glen broke his parole by December 19, 1951 by leaving his place of residence and going to another state without the permission of his Parole Officer – his whereabouts were unknown.

 

·        Eight months after he broke parole, Glen was found July 23, 1952 in Garden City by police officer, D.D. Jones and returned to Kansas State Prison on August 18, 1952.  At that point, Glen still owed 6 years. But, after two more years served, he was paroled again on June 1, 1954.

 

·        Five months after he was paroled second time -  he was again in violation of his parole, as noted in November, 1954 for failing to make his regular monthly reports to the institution and his whereabouts were unknown.   He was found again March 17, 1955 by Police Officer Ernest Preston, Crawford County, and returned to prison April 10, 1955.  He still owed 3 years, one month and 25 days.

 

·        Glen’s final discharge from prison was April 29, 1958. All of his paroles were published in the Westmoreland Recorder (Pottawatomie County) newspaper.

 

**************************

 

I was making great progress in finding out about my father and the Horton side of the family but not about my mother.   Communications kept flowing between myself and Linda and Lesia in MO.  But I didn’t feel I was any closer to finding my sibilings. Knowing that women marry, and their names change, Donald Ray Horton, was the only secure name I had to go forward - with my own internet search. 

 

Using Yahoo Search, MSN search, google, Omnitrace.com, Usinfosearch.com, nedsite./search/people, switchboard.com, rootsweb.com, familysearch.org, PeopleData.com, Knowx.com, USSearch, I created a massive database of D., D.R., Don, Donald, Donald R., Donald Ray – Hortons across the United States. Then I cross referenced it with searches that would yield me ages, or perhaps an address and maybe even a phone. After several month’s of compilation -at the end of March, I prepared a mass mailing to all the possibilities.  I have again, been amazed at the kindness of people, from TN, WI, TX, GA - to name a few, that have actually telephoned me. Each time I answered the phone and a male voice said “This is Donald Horton and I’m looking for Stephanie Ax” I would get a lump in my throat. Alas those kind people who called me, were people who were NOT my brother. Someday, when this is all finished I can only hope that Donald knows how very important it has been to me to find him.  

 

*************

My most important avenue of research was to contact the Kansas Children’s Service League in Wichita, KS  as they are the agency that handled my adoption in 1950-1952. After contacting their website. I received a letter from them on January 3^rd with a “Waiver of Confidentiality” form I had to fill out and notarize, in order to obtain information along with a fee. 

 

Acknowledgement of my request was on January 9^th but with the reminder that requests are handled in the order in which they are received – medical emergencies taking priority over existing requests.  They estimated a 6-week wait – and it was only an estimate – it may be sooner or later depending upon a workload.

 

Karen Standing

Adoption Search Coordinator

Kansas Children’s Service League

1365 N. Custer

PO Box 517

Wichita, KS  67201

316/942-4261 ext 243

fax 316/943-9995

email  [email protected]

 

Finally, on April 14, 2003 four months later, a response was made to my inquiry for a record check.  The “guts” of this information was as follows:

 

Your file contains what I consider to be an average amount of information about your birth parents and their families. There is more information about your birth mother and her family than there is about your alleged birth father and his family.  Family medical history is scanty so I am including what there is with this letter.

 

·        Your maternal grandfather died at the age of 72 from a cerebral hemorrhage

·        Your maternal grandmother died at the age of 56 (reason not stated)

·        Your maternal grandmother went blind when your mother was a baby. No specific reason for this was given.

·        Your maternal uncle died of a heart attack at the age of 31

·        You had a paternal aunt who died of a heart attack

·        Your biological half-sister died at the age of 15 months from an attack of appendicitis.

 

 

I was amazed that I had received this letter on Tuesday, April 15^th – the very day that Linda Horton-Brunner and her son, Steve, were scheduled to arrive here.  I was compelled to telephone Karen Standing, and advise her of all the information I already had accumulated on my own.

 

In that conversation I indicated I knew about Glen Reavy Horton, his prison term surrounding my birth and adoption, and the names of my siblings – Donald Ray, Eileen and Rowena and a deceased 15 month old child.

 

Since I already knew so much on my own , Ms. Standing confirmed that Glen Reavy Horton was my “legal father” and clarified that Eileen was the name of the infant who had passed away at 15 months. She also allowed me to know that the three living siblings at the time of my adoption application were 3, 7 and 10 years old.  I asked which age Donald was – she replied “7” – and that the other two living siblings were another boy and the eldest a girl.    Although she did not say so - That meant that Rowena was the 10 year old and the 3 year old was another BROTHER, that I had known nothing about.  She was not able to tell me my other brother’s name.    I asked Ms. Standing if I would be allowed to know my maternal grandparents’ names and perhaps the birth date of my mother. She agreed to call me back on Wednesday, April 16^th with that information.

 

Wednesday, April 16^th, Ms. Standing called me at work with the following information:

 

Ann Louise Hortons DOB  December 20, 1919

Maternal Grandparents names :  Otto Clarner

                                                        Annie Clarner (nee Linne)

 

She indicated in our conversation that there were no notes in my file that anyone had ever called KCSL searching for me. Indicating further that this alleged father, would remain exactly that – “alleged” as he took no part in the adoption proceedings and that Ann Louise was unable to produce any divorce documents from Glen, nor could Glen be located.  As a result Glen Reavy Horton was/is my “legal father”.

 

 

**************

Now I had the means to go back on the internet with my mother’s maiden name of Clarner and start the search all over again at familysearch.org.   No information was available on Otto or Annie Clarner.

 

The inquiry of Ann* Clarner produced results from the International Genealogical Index which indicated:

 

Annie Louise Clarner

DOB  12/20/1919 in Sequin, Guadalupe, Texas

Marriage October 1952, Miami, Oklahoma

DOD  September 1989

 

Husband:

Orville Morris Ryan

DOB  June 10, 1909 Eldora, Hardin, Iowa

Marriage October 1952 Miami, Oklahoma

DOD  April 25, 1975

 

This record indicated that Ann and Orville, did not have any children of their own.

 

This was the most incredible find.  I thought that my mother must have remarried, but had no idea of how to find out her new married name. And here it was. But I was saddened as well, to discover that my mother had died so many, many years ago and that I would not see her face, nor ever be in her presence.

 

Next I researched the Social Security Death Index:

 

Ann Louise Ryan

DOB    12/20/19

DOD    9/23/1989

SS       450-01-5677

State issued : TX

Death Residence Location :  67501  Hutchinson, Reno, Kansas

 

Orville Ryan

DOB June 10, 1910  (This disagrees with the IGI of June 10, 1909)

DOD April 1976   (This disagrees with the IGI of April 25, 1975)

SS 483-28-8936

State Issued:  Iowa

Death Residence Location: 67505 Hutchinson, Reno, Kansas

 

 I surmised from this information that Annie and Orville, both, had resided in Hutchinson for quite some time, and perhaps, if I was lucky… the Horton children, or maybe adopted Horton to Ryan children, might still be in Hutchinson.

 

Later that Wednesday evening, on April 16^th, Linda and her son Steve, arrived at my home.  I took the afternoon of Thursday off from work so that Linda and I could crunch together on locating family in Hutchinson.

 

After many hours on line Thursday afternoon and into the night.. I threw my hands in the air.. feeling I was getting nowhere.  Linda and Steve were planning on leaving on Friday morning.. and we hadn’t gotten any closer.

 

Finally, on Good Friday morning, April 18 while I sat at my desk in the City Office, I thought I’d pull out the Feist directory for this area.  Lo and behold, I saw a Donald Ray Horton located in Partridge, KS – this one had NEVER shown up on any of my searches and compiled database of possible Donalds.  I pulled out a Kansas map and discovered that Partridge was only 5 miles SW of Hutchinson on Highway 61.  I couldn’t wait to get home at lunch time, and catch Linda before they left on their return to MO. 

 

Linda agreed to call while I paced and waited in the kitchen.. and then I heard her scream.. “Come in Here”  “It’s him”….  My heart stopped beating.. I couldn’t speak.. and once again, I was reduced to uncontrollable tears..

 

For the first time in my life.. I was speaking on the phone with my Brother, Don Horton.  I had found my siblings – Donald Ray, Rowena and Ralph DeWayne. An additional surprise was that Ann and Orville did have two children of their own, so I also have a half-sister named Judy and Rodney who recently passed away.

 

The Christmas gift I had given myself has evolved into the second blessing I was to receive on a Good Friday.  In a matter of months, my family of few has grown into a family of many people.  Sometimes I felt like the roller-coaster of this half-year journey was too much to bear.  But then I think of the numerous adopted people who have searched a life-time without results, and feel ashamed for my impatience. 

 

For all who read this, I am sure that your minds are reeling with information overload – and your hearts – emotional overload. 

 

With love in my heart,

 

Stephanie Lynn Ax

Barbara Lee Horton 

5/21/1951 - present