INT. NIGHT. TROTTER FLAT. STUDIO.
It is 6.30am. A worried, pressurised Raquel is seated at
the pub-bench table. She is studying a recipe book and
making notes for a shopping list.
On the table is a tea pot and cornflakes, etc.
Raquel
(To herself)
Potatoes... garlic... lemon
grass. Lemon grass! Where
the hell am I gonna get
lemon grass from? Oh to
hell with it, we'll have it
without lemon grass.
Del, in dressing gown and just woke up, enters from bed-
rooms area.
Del
It's six thirty, what are
you doing up?
Raquel
I couldn't sleep. I'm
worried about tonight.
Del
Raquel, it's only your Mum
and Dad coming for dinner.
Raquel
It's not only my Mum and
Dad coming for dinner.
Del
What, are they bringing
some neighbours or some-
thing?
Raquel
I mean, it's not that
simple! My parents and I
didn't see each other for
years - didn't even talk.
Del
I know. But you've kissed
and made up now, ain't
you? You and Damien, spent
the weekend at their house.
Raquel
I know. But now they're
coming here! They've never
been to the flat before.
I've never cooked for them
before... They've never
met you before.
Del
Exactly! I'll be right by
your side. What have you
told them about me?
Raquel
Well... I said your name
was Derek... That's about
it really.
Del
Well, with someone like me
that's all you need to
know. What you gonna do us
to eat?
Raquel
Noisettes of lamb in red
wine and cognac.
Del
You don't need to go to
that trouble, sweetheart, a
bacon sandwich'll do... Oh
you mean tonight! Lamb in
red wine and cognac. Lovely
jubbly. It's gonna be a
great evening.
Albert enters from bedroom and crosses to hall.
Del
Morning, Unc.
Albert
Morning all.
Raquel
And another thing. You
promised you'd get another
table and some proper
chairs! We can't eat at
this thing.
Del
It's all taken care of,
sweetheart. Denzil's coming
round later to take all
this gear away and deliver
our new stuff. I don't know
why you're going to all
this bother. I did say we
could take 'em out for
dinner. I'm really well in
with the manager at the
local restaurant.
Raquel
No, this is my home now and
if my parents want me back
in their lives they'd
better get used to it.
Besides, Spudulike's always
full on a Friday.
Del
Have it your way, I'll do
us a bit of breakfast,
shall I?
Raquel
OK. Will you check behind
the bar and see if we've
got any cognac?
Del
There's loads. Albert,
what d'you want?
Albert
Well, if we're starting
early I'll have a cognac
as well.
Del
That's for tonight's meal!
I'll pour you a cup of
tea. Albert, tell Raquel
to stop worrying and
fussing about this meal
tonight will you?
Albert
You've got nothing to
worry about, love. We'll
all lend a hand. You do
the meat and I'll do the
gravy.
Del
See, I'll do the veg, I'm
a dab hand with a pint of
water and a bucket of
cabbage.
Albert
The only thing we've gotta
worry about is whether
those bloody lifts are
working - they broke down
twice this week. We can't
have Cassandra climbing up
all those stairs, not
after what she's been
through. Are her and
Rodney coming to dinner?
Raquel
Well, I invited them. But
the way they are at the
moment, who knows.
Del
I hope they do - they need
to get out.
Raquel
What d'you mean? Rodney's
out every night!
Del
He's going through a very
bad time, Raquel.
Raquel
He's going through a very
bad time? How d'you think
Cassandra feels? She's
the one who had the
miscarriage! She needs her
husband by her side, not
out drinking in some pub
or club.
Del
I know that! But she's a
woman, isn't she? She's
stronger than Rodney. I've
known him all his life.
He's always found it
difficult to face up to
things that hurt him. He
tends to walk away and
pretend it isn't
happening. That's what
he's doing now. But once
he gets it off his chest
he'll be fine.
The telephone rings.
Del
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Trotters Independent Traders
... Hello, Cassandra, what
are you doing up early?...
Was he?
(To Raquel)
Rodney was only out again
last night till the early
hours.
Raquel
I know, you were with
him!
Del
Eh? Oh yeah!
(Handing Raquel
the phone)
Here are, you talk to
Cassandra.
Raquel
I'll take it in the kitchen.
Raquel exits to the kitchen.
Albert
What Rodney needs is a
counter-worry.
Del
You what?
Albert
During the...
Del
If you say during the war,
I'll pour this cup of tea
over your ead!
Albert
I wasn't going to say
during the war!
Del
Alright, then.
Albert
Bloody little know all.
Del
Sorry.
Albert
That's alright. During the
1939-1945 conflict with
Germany - I was sailing on
a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in
the Adriatic. Now in those
days a ship's crew was full
of stress and fear.
Del
Especially when they saw
you walking up the
gangplank!
Albert
So our old skipper, Captain
Kenworthy, used to allay
all those fears by creating
a counter-worry. Like one
day he announced there was
a cholera epidemic on the
ship.
Del
I bet that cheered you all
up, didn't it?
Albert
It took their minds off
the U-boats and sharks.
Del
Well, thanks for that, Unc.
It's lucky your Captain
Kenworthy never became a
Samaritan. You wouldn't be
able to get a tug under
Chelsea Bridge for falling
bodies!
Raquel enters from the kitchen.
Raquel
He's still the same.
Cassandra said he's even
stopped going to see the
Councillor at the
hospital.
Del
Well, Albert reckons that
we ought to tell Rodney
there's a cholera epidemic
in Peckham and that should
get him out of his mood.
Albert
I said give him a counter-
worry. Look, if Rodney
thought a close friend or
a relative was ill he'd
start worrying about them
and stop worrying about
himself.
Raquel
Yeah, I see. So when that
person becomes better
Rodney would have forgotten
what he was worried about
in the first place.
Albert
Exactly.
Raquel
It's worth a try. It's got
to be someone he really
cares for.
Del
Damien.
Raquel
How can you ask a five year
old to act ill?
Albert
I could pretend to be ill.
Del
Yeah, but how can he notice
the difference? It's gotta
be me, innit?
We hear the front door slam.
Del
Listen to me, I'm ill
alright?
Del lays on the settee and begins coughing and wheezing.
Rodney enters wearing his working clothes.
Rodney
Morning.
Albert
Morning, son. How's
Cassandra?
Rodney
Fine, thank you.
Del
(Pained and
ill)
Morning, Rodney.
(Coughs)
How are you?
Del coughs again.
Rodney
Alright.
Rodney sits and reads the newspaper.
Raquel
Del's not very well, Rodney.
Rodney
Oh, I'll go home then.
Del
No, I might make a recovery.
Albert
We called the doctor in last
night.
Rodney
(Couldn't care
less)
Yeah.
Del
I suppose you're wondering
what he said?
Rodney
(Concentrating
on paper)
What?
Del
He said I would live - but
he doesn't recommend it.
Rodney
Right.
Raquel
(Quietly)
I'm worried about him,
Rodney. Has he ever
suffered with pleurisy?
Rodney
Only when he tries to spell
it.
Raquel
I'll make a pot of tea.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
There is a pause while Rodney continues reading the news-
paper apparently oblivious of the other two. Del looks
to Albert. Albert shrugs.
Del, forgetting himself, calls out.
Del
Raquel.
Del now remembers he is ill and coughs.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Weakly)
Could I have a cup of tea
too, please?
Rodney
It's alright. I'll get it.
Del
Thank you Rodney.
Rodney exits to kitchen. Del sits up.
Del
(Cont'd)
You uncaring little git! I
could be on me last
knockings here and you
don't give a toss if I've
got yellow fever or foot-
fungus!
Cut to kitchen. Raquel is pouring boiling water into the'
teapot.
Rodney
Del wants a cup as well.
What's wrong?
Raquel
I'm just worried, that's
all. A man can't keep on
drinking and smoking and
staying out late without
it having some effect.
Rodney
There's no need to worry,
Raquel. Del's one of them
people who survive
everything.. They're a sort
of tribe. You find members
of 'em in every country in
the world. Their entire
lifestyles and philosophies
fly in the face of medical
science. They drink too
much, eat greasy food and
smoke cigars and cigar-
ettes, but nothing ever
happens to them. Anyone
else tried it and they'd
be dead by forty, but this
tribe just goes on. They
usually pass away
peacefully in their sleep
aged ninety - next to 'em
is a burnt-out roll-up, an
untouched sausage sandwich
and a half-finished
Guinness. And don't ask
whether Del's one of them
Raquel, 'cos he is! He is.
Raquel
Actually Rodney, I was
talking about you.
Rodney
Me? There's nothing wrong
with me!
Raquel
Rodney, you've been banned
from The Nag's Head. Serial
killers don't get barred
from that pub! I know what’s
happened and I can only try
to imagine how you and
Cassy must be feeling. But
you're out almost every
night at the pub, leaving
her alone in the flat.
Rodney
Cass wants to be on her
own.
Raquel
No, she doesn't. She wants
support. She wants you...
I'm not stupid enough to
say forget what's happened
- you never can. What I'm
saying is; get back to
basics, to all the everyday
things that have to be
taken care of. You've gotta
do it for Cassandra and for
you and for the baby you
will one day have.
Raquel smiles reassuringly at him but Rodney turns away,
refusing to discuss the matter. Raquel shrugs and exits
to lounge.
EXT. DAY. DEL'S GARAGE/GARAGE BLOCK.
Five hours later. Rodney is working in the garage trying
to itemise all the various bits and pieces that TITco
has acquired over the years. Scattered around the many
shelves in the garage are various boxes of batteries,
electrical plugs, smoke detectors, sunglasses,
superglue, frying pans, ladies tights, etc.
Hanging on one wall is Del's old diving suit. On the
garage floor (and outside the garage) we see a pile of
cobweb covered briefcases, bits of cars, a couple of
bicycle frames, two or three tea chests full of gold
toot and against one wall an ancient gas stove. Rodney,
still in his depressed, distant mood, is checking
through the items and making notes in a small pa. He is
throwing himself into work in an almost obsessional
way.
Del
Alright, Rodders? What you
up to?
Rodney
Cataloguing our stock. I'm
gonna put all of this on
computer.
Del
Computer? Rodney, we've had
this discussion before.
It's dangerous. Someone
could hack in and find what
we've got.
Rodney
Hack into our computer?
Del, if we found someone was
hacking into our computer
all the police would have to
do is go an' arrest Mr Bean!
We need to record it on
floppy disc, Del, so we know
exactly what we've got.
Rodney pulls open the drawer on a small, old, cardboard
filing box which contains a few ancient pieces of
paper.
Rodney
Look, these are the records
for... Trotters Independent
Traders. I began filing 'em
when I first started
working for you sixteen
years ago. But you told me
to stop it.
Del
Because we don't need them,
do we?
(Taps temple)
It's all up here, Rodney.
Squirrels don't have
computers but they know
where their nuts are.
Rodney
But where d'you get it all
from?
Del
How should I know? It's
like a verruca - you know
you've got it, but you
don't know where it come
from.
Rodney
Well, I'm gonna make a
note of everything. And I'm
gonna chuck a lot of this
junk out.
Del
Now you be careful, Rodney.
Remember, one man's junk is
another man's treasures.
Rodney
Derek, we have got a pile
of Showaddywaddy LPs in the
corner under a tyre for a
Triumph Herald and an
artificial limb. These are
not gonna make big news on
The Antiques Roadshow!
Del
Those LPs are collectors
items.
Rodney
Well let's find a one-
legged Showaddywaddy freak
and flog 'em to him! And if
he turns up in a Triumph
Herald we've had a result!
Del
What is the matter with
you, Rodney?
The moment his words leave his lips, Del closes his eyes
and silently curses himself.
Rodney
What's the matter with me?
Didn't anyone tell you?
Del
Rodney, I didn't mean it
like that!
Rodney
My wife was rushed to
hospital a fortnight ago and
we lost... There's nothing
wrong with me, Del Boy.
Everything's hunky dory.
Del
Rodney, I'm sorry! What I
meant was...
Rodney
I had a dream a few weeks
ago. In this dream you and
Damien ruled the world.
Del
(Pleased with
the prospect)
Oh yeah?
Rodney
Yeah. You owned companies,
corporations, conglomer-
ates everywhere... It was
horrible!
Del
What d'you mean?
Rodney
You know what I was? I was
the messenger! I mean, you
and Damien were presidents
and chairmen and I was a
bloody messenger! And then
I started thinking, maybe
it wasn't a dream, maybe
it's a prophecy. You know,
like in the Bible when
King David saw seven fat
cows and seven skinny
ones.
Del
No, that sounds more like
he's come out of the Nag's
Head disco!
Del laughs. Rodney doesn't.
Rodney
Perhaps it was a prophecy
that I would always be the
messenger! The messenger of
bloody doom! I mean,
nothing has ever gone
right for me, has it? I
mean, am I being punished
for something I did in a
previous life? If I am I
wish to God I knew what
I'd done 'cos I might
have enjoyed it!
Del
I know how you feel,
Rodders.
Rodney
I don't think you do, Del!
All my life I've tried to
do the right thing.
Del
So have I, Rodney.
Rodney
I've been kind to people.
Del
Me too.
Rodney
I've never hurt anyone.
Del
Nor have I.
Rodney
I've paid my taxes.
Del
We all do our bit.
Rodney
And what's been my rewards?
Knock-backs, put-downs and
sand in me face. I'd love a
bit of good luck, Del. Not
just for me, for all of us.
For me and Cassandra, for
you and Raquel, for Damien
and Albert. I just wish
something good would turn
up.
Del is standing by an old tea chest filled with bits and
pieces of old rubbish.
Del
Everyone feels the same,
Rodney. That's why
everyone's doing the
Lottery!
(Referring to
tea chest)
If this was life's lucky
dip, I'd like to put my
hand in and go, da daaa.
(Lifts out a
pocket watch)
Bing! There you are,
Rodney, I've changed our
lives. But ain't that
easy is it?
Rodney
No.
Del throws the watch carelessly away. We see it land on
the top grill of the old gas stove.
Del
I tell you what, you don't
you and Cassandra come
round for dinner tonight?
Rodney
I don't fancy it, Del.
Del
I've got Raquel's Mum and
Dad coming round.
Rodney
That's why I don't fancy
it!
Del
Come on, Rodders! I'm a
bit nervous. Raquel's old
man's a successful
antiques dealer. I don't
know what we're gonna
talk about. I mean the
only antique I've got is
Albert. You and Cassie
are bright! So when I
cock up, which I'm bound
to, you and her can keep
the conversation bubbling
along... Come on Rodney
- for me.
Rodney
I'm not in the mood, I've
got other things on me
mind.
Del
Yeah, I understand. Why
don't we go up to the flat
and talk about those other
things?
Rodney
I don't wanna - why does
everyone want me to talk
about it?
Del
You've gotta talk about it!
Rodney
Got to? What is this, some
new law Brussels have
introduced? Your wife's
had a mis - bad turn, so
you've got to talk about
it?
Del
Alright, alright. Let's
just go up to the flat and
have a cup of tea.
They both wander away.
INT. DAY. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE/LIFT FOYER.
Three minutes later. One of the lift doors has got an
'out of order' sign on it. Del and Rodney enter and
Rodney presses for second lift.
Del
Have you made any attempt
to discuss this with
Cassandra?
Rodney
Del, will you just leave it
alone!?
Del
I'm only tryin' to help,
Rodney. You just can't keep
walking away from it.
Rodney
I am not walking away from
it! Look, you get the lift,
I'll take the stairs.
The lift doors open.
Del
Look, hang about. It's here
now... Come on, I won't
mention it again.
Del and Rodney enter the lift.
INT. DAY. THE LIFT.
The lift walls are covered in graffiti. 'Chelsea FC'
'Millwall FC', a few graffiti tags.
Del presses the button for floor 12.
The lift door closes and we hear the hum of the motor.
Rodney
Look at the state of these
lifts! What's going on in
their brains?
Del
Bunch of half-heads,
aren't they?
Rodney spots a small piece of graffiti which reads: 'Del
Boy is a sex machine'.
Rodney
Look! 'Del Boy is a sex
machine'. Who'd write
something like that?
Del
(Guilty)
Dunno!
Rodney now spots another small piece of graffiti (which
we don't see). At this point we concentrate on Rodney
and cannot see what Del is doing.
Rodney
(Reads)
'Rodney Trotter...' ... The
lying gits!
Now the hum of the lift motor stops. We hear a metallic
shaking as if the car has shuddered to a halt. Rodney
looks up to the ceiling and then around him.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
What's happened?
Del
(Immediately an
uneasiness)
It's broken down. They're
always breaking down! Poxy
bloody council.
Rodney
What's the matter with you?
Del
Nothing's the matter with
me! Just take it easy,
Rodney.
Rodney
I'll press the alarm button.
Del
I'll do it! Good thinking
Rodney! Alarm button.
Del, apparently, presses the alarm, but because the
button is masked by his body, we don't actually see him
do it.
There is no response from button.
Del
It's broken! I don't
believe it, even the
alarm's broken!
Del starts kicking the metal walls.
Del
(Shouting)
Help! Help. Two men are
trapped in the lift!
Rodney
Alright, alright! There's
no need to get in a lather
about it. Someone will
press for the lift in a
minute, realise it's not
working and call the
engineers. We'll be out
soon.
Del
I just don't like being
closed in like this.
Rodney
I never knew you were
claustrophobic.
Del
I'm not! I just don't
like being closed in like
this!
Rodney
Look, let's just sit own
on the floor and relax.
They'll be here in a
minute.
Del
Yeah, yeah, that's the way
bruv, nice and easy, nice
and easy does it.
They sit with their backs to the wall.
Rodney
The oxygen right falls down
to the bottom, this way we
get cleaner air.
Del
Good, good!
We stay on Rodney as he notices another piece of
graffiti. Now Rodney becomes aware of smoke drifting
across his face. We see Del has lit a cigar.
INT. DAY. TROTTER HALL.
Thirty minutes later. Denzil and his assistant are man-
oeuvering the last of the furniture out of the front
door.
They are both absolutely exhausted.
Raquel is in a state of shock.
Denzil wipes sweat from his brow.
Denzil
Your lifts have broken
again! We had to carry that
stuff up twelve flights of
stairs. Del said him and
Rodney'd be here to help.
Where are they?
Raquel
(Numbly)
Dunno.
Denzil
Look, it's not my fault,
Raquel. Del asked me to
deliver that table and to
store this patio stuff in
my lock-up.
Raquel
Yes.
Denzil
(Gesturing to
lounge)
And the table and chairs
are only on hire, they've
gotta go back by Monday,
they're having a big do at
the town hall.
Raquel
Yes.
Denzil
And then I'll be bringing
all this stuff back.
Raquel
Oh good!
Denzil
Yeah.
(To assistant)
Come on then!
INT. DAY. THE LIFT.
Thirty minutes later. Del and Rodney have both removed
their coats and unbuttoned their shirts. They are both
sweating. Del paces, his claustrophobia reaching
breaking point.
Del
They're not here yet, are
they?
Rodney
Give 'em time. Sit down,
take it easy.
Del sits down next to Rodney.
Rodney
Let's play a game.
Del
A game? You got a ball on
you then?
Rodney
No. A different sort of
game. I Spy.
Del
I Spy?
Rodney
Yeah. Go on, you can go
first.
Del
Alright, dopey! I spy with
my little eye something
beginning with W.
Rodney
Er... walls?
Del
Walls. Yes, that's right.
Well, that's the end of
that game then, innit?
Rodney
Well, you choose the game.
Del
How about hide'n'seek?
Del now stands and paces again.
Rodney
I never thought I'd see
you like this! You're
acting like a big kid just
'cos we're stuck in a lift
for a while.
Del
Yes, well you don't know
how I feel!
Del kicks the door a couple of times.
Del
(Cont'd)
I feel... I feel sort of
frightened! You don't know
what that's like!
Rodney
I don't know what it's
like! How d'you think I've
felt for the last couple of
weeks since Cassie... since
what happened?
Del
I don't know, Rodney, I
don't know how you've felt!
Rodney
Well, I'll tell you, fright-
ened ain't the word! D'you
know what I did last night?
Del
No, but I bet it was
depressing!
Rodney
I sat and read my diaries
from when I was a school
kid.
Del
See, I was right!
Rodney
No, not quite. I actually
noticed moments of hope
inside those pages - I
mean there weren't many -
just the occasional oasis
of promise in a desert of
pessimism. They were
simple hopes, as you'd
expect for someone of my
age. I hoped for - hairs,
hoped I'd do well in my
exams, I even hoped for a
good job when I left
school.
Del
Well, you got hairs, didn't
you? Think how Right Said
Fred must feel.
Rodney
Me and Cass were so happy,
Del. We were looking
forward and all we could
see in front of us was a
big wide highway and we
were just cruising like we
were in a Rolls-Royce. And
suddenly it came to a
shuddering halt - just
like the poxy lift.
Suddenly 'Happy Families'
became 'Dungeons and
Dragons'. And I've never
felt sodding pain like that
in all my life.
Del
Is Cassandra hurting?
Rodney
Well of course she is!
Del
How d'you now? You haven't
talked to her about it.
Rodney
No, and d'you know why?
Because... it's because...
It's almost like if I
don't talk about it, it
might not be true.
Del
But it is.
Rodney
I now! I know. But if I
don't say it...
Del
If you don't say what?
Rodney
We lost our baby!
Del
But you did - and now
you've said it.
Rodney
Yeah. I've said it! You
just shield yourself from
it, you know. I've just
been lying, ain't I?
Del
In a way. And what about
Cassandra?
Rodney
Not her. Cassandra can't
tell a lie.
Del
Raquel can, the moment one
leaves my lips.
They both laugh.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' HALL/LOUNGE.
Albert enters carrying a 'wine rack' shopping bag that
tinkles with bottles. He too is exhausted.
Albert
(Calls)
Both those lifts have
broken down again!
Albert opens the door to the lounge. Albert opens door
from hall. The bench-type pub table and all the patio
furniture has been replaced by a long, twelve seater
dining table and 12 chairs - the kind you might find
in a manor house. There is no three piece suite for
anyone to sit on. Raquel is just standing and
staring at the furniture.
Albert
Is this the stuff Del was
talking about?
Raquel
Yes.
INT. DAY. THE LIFT.
Rodney
Cassie seemed so fragile. I
wanted to cuddle her and
talk to her about it - but
I was frightened I might -
sort of break her.
Del
No. She's strong, Rodney.
It's a dropped stitch in
life's tapestry. That's
what mum used to say when
things went wrong.
Rodney
Yeah, I suppose that's
about the strength of it
when you think about it.
Del
Of course it is. You two'll
pick up the bits and pieces
and be cruising down that
big highway again.
Cassandra wants to talk
about it, she told Raquel.
Rodney
What do I say to her?
Del
All the things you just
told me - well, you can
leave the bit about the
hairs out. You go home and
have a heart to heart with
her right now. And while
you're there, you ask her
if she fancies coming
round for dinner tonight.
Rodney
Yeah, I'd love to Del, but
there is the little matter
that I'm stuck in a lift.
Del
Oh yeah.
Del now moves to lift's control panel and opens it.
Del
Let's have a look in here.
Rodney
(It suddenly
dawns on him)
Your claustrophobia cleared
up quick, didn't it?
Del
Yeah, I seem to be over the
worst.
Rodney
Almost as quick as that flu
you had this morning.
Rodney stands.
Del
Well, these things come and
go, don't they? Oh look,
there's a little switch in
here.
Del turns a switch and we hear the hum of the lift motor
and the metallic shuddering as the lift begins moving
again.
Del
(Cont'd)
There you go.
Rodney
You git! You stopped it!
Del
It was the only way I could
get you talking! You can't
run away in a broken lift.
Rodney
You git!
Del is laughing. Now Rodney is laughing too.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You! You git!
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/HALL.
The big table is laid for dinner. It's busy and edgy,
everyone rushing in and out of the kitchen trying to
help. Rodney is opening a bottle of sherry. Cassandra
is placing wine glasses on the table. Del is behind
the cocktail bar pouring himself a Tia Maria and
Lucozade. Raquel enters from the kitchen and checks
the table.
Raquel
What else, what else? I'm
bound to have forgotten
something.
Cassandra
Everything's fine. Calm
down. You'll have a hot
flush in a minute.
Raquel
I'm just so nervous some-
thing will go wrong...
Del, please don't use any
of your French phrases on
my parents.
Del
Right you are sweetheart.
Aren't they up on the old
French then?
Raquel
No... The meat!
Raquel rushes to the kitchen.
Rodney
I'll get some wine, put it
in the cooler.
Del
(To Cassandra)
Well, we seem to have
everything under control.
Damien is seated at the end of the table playing with a
Star Wars type space rocket. He lands it on and across
the table.
Del
Damien! Don't do that!
(Taking the
rocket from
Damien)
It's only plastic, you'll
break it.
Cassandra
What did you say to Rodney?
Del
Me? Nothing.
Cassandra
He came home and he was - I
don't know - kind of
different. We sat down and
talked about what happened
and he accepts it now. He
seems ready to get on with
things.
Del
It was nothing to do with
me Cassandra. I told you,
give Rodney time and he'll
come round all on his own.
Cassandra
Yeah...
She kisses Del on the cheek.
Cassandra
(Cont'd)
Thank you.
Del
That's what I'm here for.
Rodney, with wine, and Albert, in best sit and rows of
medals, enters from kitchen followed by Raquel.
Albert
I've made the gravy and put
it in the oven.
Raquel
Thank you, Albert.
Rodney
Where we gonna sit once
dinner's finished?
Del
(Indicating the
same places)
You'll sit there, Cassandra
will sit there, Raquel...
At this point the front door bell rings. Everyone now
freezes and looks towards hall.
Raquel
Oh God!
Albert
Calm down the lot of you.
I'll answer the door. Lot
of good you'd have been on
the Russian convoys.
Cut to Trotters' hall. Albert enters from the lounge
and opens the front door to James and Audrey, Raquel's
parents. James is in his early 60s, well-spoken and
smartly dressed. He is an ex-navy man who enjoys a
laugh and a drink. He is carrying a bottle wrapped in
paper. Audrey is in her mid 50s, middle class, well
meaning but lacking in sense of humour - not a fierce
person - just doesn't get jokes.
Albert
Good evening. You must be
Raquel's parents.
James
Yes. My wife, Audrey, and
I'm James.
Albert
Lovely to meet you. Please
follow me.
Albert exits to lounge. James is looking at Audrey
questionably.
Audrey
(Whispering)
She did say he was older
than her.
James
I now, but...
Cut to lounge. James and Audrey enter.
Raquel
Hi Mum, Dad.
James
Hello, darling.
Audrey
Darling.
Damien rushes at them.
Damien
Nanny, Grandad!
James picks Damien up.
James
Hello champ, how are you?
Raquel
Mum, Dad, this is Derek's
brother. Rodney, and his
wife, Cassandra. James and
Audrey.
Rodney/Cassandra
Pleased to meet you.
James
Pleasure.
Audrey
Lovely to meet you.
Raquel
And this is my... this is
Derek.
Del
Au revoir.
Audrey
Oh you're Derek.
(About to indicate
Albert)
We thought...
James
(A false cough)
We thought... we thought
you were busy working this
evening.
Del
Oh no, not on a special
occasion like this.
James
As it is a special occasion
I've bought this rather
nice bottle of port. It's
15 years old.
Del
15. We'll have to e careful
with that, it might have
acne!
(Laughs)
Please, Jim, Audrey take a
seat and I will fetch us an
aperitif.
As Del passes Rodney and Cassandra, he winks at them.
Del
I'm knocking 'em bandy!
We see Rodney and Cassandra look at each other - Del's
going OTT already.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. LOUNGE/KITCHEN.
The first course is finished and cleared from the
table. Now the table is loaded down with tureens of
vegetables and covered silver salver containing the
noisettes of lamb.
Del is dishing the lamb onto plates as Raquel brings
another tureen in. Albert enters from the kitchen with
the gravy boat.
Albert then returns to kitchen.
Del
Rodney, would you fill the
glasses, please?
Rodney
Yes of course. More wine
Audrey... James?
James
No, I don't think I should.
I've got to drive back to
the hotel tonight.
Raquel
Why don't you get a cab
back, pick the car up in
the morning?
James
What d'you think?
Audrey
It's your decision.
James
What the hell. Pour away,
Rodney.
Del
Yes, that's the spirit, you
know it makes sense. You
can always leave your car
outside...
(Reacts)
On second thoughts we'd
better put the car in the
garage.
James
Is it not safe outside?
Del
Well, not if you've become
attached to your wheels
it's not.
(Handing last
plate out)
There we go, look, s'cuse
the fingers. I'll just get
another bottle of wine.
Del exits to kitchen.
James
So Albert was in the navy?
Raquel
Very much so.
James
I was in the Royal Navy
myself, twelve years, first
officer.
Cassandra
You and Albert'll have to
have a chat.
Rodney
(Under his breath)
After we've gone home!
Cut to kitchen. Albert is making the coffee, pouring
boiling water into a glass coffee pot. Del is uncorking
another bottle of wine.
Del
The old wine's going down
well, we need another
bottle. What are you doing?
Albert
I've made the coffee.
Del
It's too early. They've
only just got their main
course.
Albert
It don't usually take us
that long to finish our
dinner.
Del
But we're not galloping
down a Big Mac and chips,
are we? We've got guests,
we're taking our time
savouring the food and the
ambience, we're sipping
the wine and we're
conversing. They're having
a chat between each
mouthful. It's sophisti-
cated, it's civilised...
(Picking up
coffee pot)
I'll stick it in the micro-
wave.
Del now gets a wiff of the coffee - he smells it again.
Del
(Cont'd)
What coffee d'you make this
with?
Albert
That jar over there.
We see a jar of coffee and next to it a jar of gravy
granules.
Del
This ain't coffee, smell
it! It's bloody gravy!
Albert
(Smells it)
Yeah, that's gravy. It's
not my fault, it's them
jars! Look at 'em! How am
I supposed to tell the
difference?
Del
It's easy! One's got
Nescafé Coffee on the label
and the other's got Bisto
granules!
Albert
Well, I was in a hurry and
I got 'em mixed up.
Del
Wait a minute. If you've
made gravy in the coffee
pot, what are they pouring
over their dinners?
Cut to lounge. Rodney, Cassandra, Raquel, James, Audrey
and Damien are all at the table with their dinners in
front of them. James is pouring gravy over his dinner.
James
This looks lovely darling.
Rodney
Yeah looks great, Raquel.
Raquel
Thank you.
The door to the kitchen opens and Del pops his head out.
Del
Alright?
Audrey is pouring gravy over her dinner.
Audrey
Wonderful.
Del
Cushty.
Del closes door. Cut to kitchen.
Del
They've done it. They're
doing it now. They're
pouring Maxwell bleedin'
House over their lamb
noisettes and veg. I don't
believe you! Not only have
you managed to sink every
aircraft carrier and
battleship that you ever
sailed on, now you've gone
and knackered a gravy
boat! What are we gonna
do?
Albert
Well, I ain't having any
of it!
Albert exits to the lounge leaving a worried Del in the
kitchen. Cut to lounge.
Albert enters and takes his place at the table. Damien
is about to eat some of the food.
Raquel
Not yet, darling, wait for
Daddy.
James
So, how long were you in
the navy, Albert?
Albert
Over fifty years, man and
boy. Started in the
merchant, went on to the
Royal then back to the
merchant.
Audrey
Amazing. You must have some
stories to tell.
Rodney
Oh God yes.
Del enters from the kitchen with an open bottle of wine.
Del
Sorry to have kept you, bit
of trouble with the cork.
Del takes his place at the table.
Cassandra
(Offering the
gravy boat)
Del?
Del
No! I mean I'm tryin' to
give it up.
(Offers boat
to Albert)
Uncle?
Albert
Not for me, son.
Del
Go on, have some!
(Quietly)
You git!
James
Are you a naval man, Derek?
Del
Me? Not really James, I'm
more of a leg man myself.
Raquel
No, Dad meant were you in
the navy!
Del
Oh I see. No, although
when I was younger I toyed
with the idea of a career
in the services.
Audrey has just taken a mouthful of food. She reacts to
the coffee and lamb flavour.
Raquel
Everything alright, Mum?
Audrey
(With mouthful
of food)
Mmmhh!
Damien
This is horrible!
Raquel eats some food and reacts. She looks to Del who
shrugs.
We now see Rodney and Cassandra reacting to the vile
taste.
James
I hope you won't be
offended darling, but I'm
rather full up.
Rodney/Cassandra/Audrey
Same here!
Del
We've got a lovely sweet
out there, apple, every-
thing.
Audrey
I'm not really that hungry.
Rodney/Cassandra/James
Me neither.
Raquel
Alright... Well, 'll fetch
the coffee.
Del
Right.
As Raquel enters kitchen, Del and Albert look at each
other in horror knowing Raquel is about to bring in a
pot of gravy.
INT. DAY. DEL'S GARAGE/GARAGE BLOCK.
Following morning. Del has just reversed James's car (a
small BMW) out of the garage and is parking it as James
arrives on foot. Rodney, in working clothes, is inside
the garage continuing his cataloguing of the Trotters'
stock.
Del
Ahoy there, Jimmy.
James
Morning, Derek... Rodney.
Rodney
How are you this morning?
James
Oh fine. Had a bit of a
jippy tummy last night.
Del
Must have been something
you drank.
James
More than likely. Well,
thanks for looking after
the car.
Del
Mais oui, my pleasure.
James
So this is your Aladdin’s
cave I've heard so much
about?
Del
Yes, we are very much in
the same business, Jimbo.
You're an antiques dealer
and I'm... I've got some
interesting pieces.
James
Yes! Well, must dash, long
journey. You'll have to
come and visit us sometime.
Del
Love to. Drive carefully.
James is now looking round the inside of the garage.
James is just about to move to his car when he spots
something on top of the old gas stove.
James
What's that?
Rodney
Em... It's a gas stove.
James
No, on top of it.
James picks up the old, tarnished watch.
Del
Oh that's just an old watch
I got out of a house
clearance years ago. I've
got a lovely collection of
Showaddywaddy LPs.
James opens the watch and looks inside.
James
Good Lord!
Del
Yeah, it's dirty, innit?
Rodney, you got any of that
WD40 there?
James
No, I mean, it has the name
'Harrison' engraved on it.
You see there? 'Harrison.
AD 1774'.
Del
Yeah, I never looked inside.
Is that good?
James
Good? John Harrison was
just about the finest
watchmaker of his time - of
any time. How did you come
by this watch, Derek?
Del
Well, it was about fifteen,
sixteen years ago. There
was this old girl from
Deptford way. She owned a
pawn shop. Anyway she died,
no family, so the shop was
sold off and the landlord
of her house asked me to
clear the place out. I
found that up in the loft.
James
Did the landlord pay you
to clear the house?
Del
You're joking, the tight
old git. No, I was given a
score for the privilege.
Although I found a lovely
little rocking chair that
went for fifty sovs, so I
was happy.
James
Would you have any proof
that this watch is your
property? A receipt,
something like that.
Del
No, you see, I don't keep
receipts, they just
clutter the place up
and...
Rodney
Hold on. Sixteen years
ago? That's when I started
working for you.
Del
Yes thank you, Rodney,
leave This Is Your Life to
Michael Aspel.
Rodney
I mean, I kept files in
those day.
Del and Rodney move to the small cardboard cabinet and
Rodney begins sifting through the small amount of
paperwork. James remains by cooker.
James
You see, Derek, I'm some-
thing of an amateur
horologist.
Del
(Quietly)
I thought it was too good
to be true. Now he's gonna
tell our bloody fortune.
Rodney
No, an horologist. It means
an expert in watches.
Del
Oh, that sort of horologist.
Rodney produces a piece of paper.
Rodney
I've got it, I've got it.
The receipt from the land-
lord.
(Reading from
receipt)
For two paintings, four
jugs, one rocking chair -
one silver fob watch
engraved 'Harrison'.
Del
Good boy, Rodney. What have
I always told you? Make a
note of everything. You
never know when you might
need it.
Del gives the receipt to James.
Del
(Cont'd)
There you go, Jimbo.
James
This is marvellous. I've
never been so excited.
Del
I bet Audrey had a blind-
ing honeymoon!
Rodney
What exactly do you think
it is then?
James
I'm almost too frightened
to say! Let me give you a
brief history lesson. Back
in the early seventeen
hundreds sea captains
found it almost impossible
to plot their positions
once out of sight of land.
They could work out their
latitude by using the sun
or the pole star...
Del
Doddle.
James
But they couldn't work out
their longitude. Until
John Harrison invented a
clock that could tell them
exactly where they were on
the globe. In fact, he
went on to make many of
these marine timekeepers,
they're called H one to
five and they are all at
Greenwich museum. But it's
known he was working on H
six or as he called it -
'The Lesser Watch'. We
have his designs for the
piece but the watch itself
was never seen. Harrison
died in 1766 and nobody
knows whether he ever
completed his great work.
So the lesser watch
drifted into the realms of
mythology.
Rodney
Mythology? What, was he
Greek?
James
No he was English, he
lived not far from here.
Rodney
(Half laughing)
You don't think that's
it, do you?
James
(Deadly serious)
If it is, Rodney, it's a
major, major discovery.
Rodney
Blimey!
James
Would you mind if I took
this with me Derek? There's
some people I'd like to
look at it.
Del
Could I just have a word
with my partner here? One
moment.
(To Rodney)
If that watch is worth
money, he might half inch
it.
Rodney
Del, if he rips us off, he's
also ripping off Raquel, his
only daughter, and Damien,
his only grandchild.
Del
Yeah, he seems sound as a
pound to me. Right Jim, you
take it with you.
James
Thank you. Have you got some
old rags to wrap it? I want
to keep it completely safe.
Can I use this?
Rodney
That's my coat.
James
I'm sorry.
Del hands him some old rags.
Del
There you go.
James
Thank you. I feel almost
faint.
Del
Well, you be careful
driving that car, Jimmy -
I don't want that watch
getting damaged.
INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD.
Three weeks later. Lunchtime.
Del and Rodney, both dressed smartly, and Denzil and
Trigger, in working clothes, are at the table. Boycie
is at the bar talking to Mike.
Rodney
So next thing, Raquel's
old man's on the phone to
us.
Del
The experts have looked at
it and it's kosher.
Denzil
This is the watch that's
been missing for over
three hundred years?
Del
Yep. Harrison's Lesser
Watch.
Trigger
So what is it?
Del
It's a watch!
Rodney
It's more than that. It
lets you know exactly where
you are anywhere in the
world.
Mike
How's it get lost then?
Rodney
I don't know how it got
lost! It just did.
Del
And then I discovered it
and realised it's true
value. If it hadn't been
for me, it could have
ended up anywhere.
Rodney
Yeah, like chucked on top
of an old gas cooker.
Boycie
And it's gonna be auctioned?
Del
That's right. This after-
noon, two thirty at
Sothebys.
Denzil
How much d'you think it's
worth?
Rodney
They don't know. Nothing
like it's ever come on the
market. Could be ten
grand.
Del
Fifteen at least.
Rodney
Twenty maybe.
Boycie
Well, on your way back from
the auction pop into my
showrooms. I've got two
lovely Skodas at five grand
each.
Boycie laughs his laugh.
Del
Yeah, you won't be laughing
like that when we get back.
Mike
So you two could be famous
then - well, amongst watch-
makers.
Rodney
Yes, Yeah, why not. We
discovered it. And as Andy
Warhol said, 'Everyone will
be famous for fifteen
minutes'.
Denzil
How can everyone be famous
for fifteen minutes?
There's not enough time in
the world.
Rodney
No, no. He didn't mean
everyone would be famous!
You know. He was general-
ising upon the modern
society. You know, people
became famous for a little
while then they disappear.
Like Rene and Renatta,
Simon Dee.
Trigger
Or Ghandhi.
Rodney
Yeah. So see maybe this
time it's... Ghandhi?
Trigger
Yeah. I mean, he made one
great film and then you
never saw him again.
Del
(Tapping his
watch)
Let's go.
INT. DAY. SOTHEBY'S AUCTION ROOM.
Ninety minutes later.
A packed house. Some people on telephones receiving
instructions from abroad.
The auction is already in progress for some other clock
or watch.
Auctioneer
Thirty five thousand... One
more bid. Forty thousand...
The bid is forty thousand
pounds.
Del and Rodney enter and stand at the back.
Del
Is that ours, Rodney?
Rodney
Don't be stupid!
Auctioneer
Forty five thousand...
Forty five thousand. I'm
selling at forty five
thousand. That was Lot 72.
Lot 72 is removed.
Now we see the porter displaying Del and Rodney's watch.
The watch has now been cleaned and is gleaming silver.
Rodney
Is that our watch?
Del
Yeah. They've given it a
rub over with Brasso.
Auctioneer
Now we come to Lot 73.
We see people sitting up and taking notice, we hear a
buzz of expectation and excitement.
Auctioneer
(Cont'd)
This is quite simply the
most significant discovery
in horological terms of
this century. The watch
has been authenticated and
accepted by all the
leading experts as being
made in 1774 by John
Harrison. It is the, until
now, mythical 'Lesser
Watch'. I'd like to start
the bidding at one hundred
and fifty thousand pounds.
Rodney's mouth drops open. We hear a body thud and find
Del is laying on the ground. Rodney eaves him there.
Auctioneer
(Cont'd)
Thank you...
(Takes bid)
Two hundred thousand.
(Takes bid)
Two fifty.
INT.DAY. SOTHEBY'S RECEPTION OR ANTE ROOM.
Del is seated on a chair still feeling a bit faint,
Rodney is next to him.
Del
Oh dear. It was when he
said a hundred an fifty
thousand. That’s when I
came over bad.
Rodney
(Also in shock)
It went on, Del. Two
hundred thousand, two fifty,
three. That's when I
dragged you out.
Del
You mean it ended up at
three thousand pounds?
Rodney
It's still going on?
Del
Well, let's get back up
there.
INT.DAY. SOTHEBY'S AUCTION ROOM.
We see Del and Rodney enter.
Auctioneer
Three and a quarter. The bid
is in the room. Three and a
half.
Del
It's three hundred and fifty
grand!
Auctioneer
(Taking bid)
Three and three quarter.
Four, thank you. The bid
stands at four million.
Del's mouth drops open. We hear a body thud next to him.
Auctioneer
(Cont'd)
Four and a quarter, the bid
is in the room...
(Taking bid)
Four and a half million...
(Indicates some-
one on the
phone)
With Dubai...
(takes bid)
Five million.
(Indicates some-
one on the
phone)
With New York...
(Takes bid)
Five and a half million -
in the room.
Fade out on auctioneer's voice.
EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET.
We see the three wheeled van parked at a meter. A sign
in van's window reads: 'midwife on emergency call'.
We see Del and Rodney approaching. They have just left
the auction and are in a state of deep shock. They
climb into the van (Del driving).
Del
So, what was the final out-
come?
Rodney
It was bought by an
anonymous bidder. He's
giving it to the Maritime
Museum at Greenwich. So,
at least it stays in the
country.
Del
Oh good. I meant what was
the final score? How much
exactly did it go for?
Rodney takes some paperwork out of his pocket.
Rodney
(Reading)
Six point two million.
Del closes his eyes as acid indigestion grabs him.
Rodney
Just over three million
each.
Del
Well we've had worse days,
ain't we?
Rodney
Oh yeah... D'you wanna go
first or shall I?
Del
How about together?
Rodney
Alright then. One, two,
three.
Now they both go absolutely potty - screaming, punching
the air, hurling themselves about. We see a passerby
witness this lunacy.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Right, calm down. We'd
better go home and tell the
girls, but let's break the
news gently, we don't wanna
spoil a nice day like this
by taking one of them to
the cardiac-arrest unit.
Del
No, there's somewhere else
I wanna go first.
EXT. DAY. BOYCIE'S CAR SHOWROOMS.
Thirty minutes later. The sign above the showrooms
tell us this is: 'Boyce Auto's' 'Used Cars of
Distinction'. Del and Rodney are looking at a Rolls-
Royce.
Boycie
Oh no! Talk about the barb-
arians at the ates. Do you
have to leave that van
thing outside my showrooms?
Customers might think I've
been reduced to advertising
for the local cinema -
they're showing The
Flintstones.
Del
If only you knew, Boycie,
if only you knew!
Boycie
Gimme the keys.
Del chucks him the van keys and moves over to the Rolls-
Royce. Boycie calls to his 18-year-old car cleaner.
Boycie
Tony, drive that van round
the corner, will you?
Tony
To the car park?
Boyce
Or the scrap yard, which
ever comes first.
Tony
You're not worried it's
gonna get nicked are you?
Boycie
Nicked? Who's gonna nick
that thing? Other than a
recently arrived Albanian
joyrider. It certainly
ain't gonna be used in a
ram raid, is it?
Boycie moves off to his office. We now see the object of
Del's interest. It is a three year old Rolls-Royce. A
sign on it reads: 'Car of the Month' it is priced at
eighty thousand pounds.
Del
Beautiful innit? Luxury and
style. Very me, don't you
think?
Rodney
Yeah...! Buy it.
Del
Shall I?
Rodney
You like it, buy it.
Del
(Bottle goes)
No. Not until that cheque's
cleared. I've got a
terrible feeling that this
entire deal's gonna go pear
-shaped.
Rodney
Del, we're dealing with
Sotheby's and the Greenwich
museum, not Ronnie and
Reggie!
Del
But in case this goes tits-
up! I'll be left with an
eighty grand debt.
Rodney
Yeah, take your point.
Well, you sit in the nice
car, see if it suits you.
Rodney looks towards Boycie's office with a vengeful
smile. Rodney walks away leaving Del making 'bip-bip'
noises.
INT. DAY. BOYCIE'S OFFICE.
Boycie is behind the desk with paperwork. Rodney enters.
Boycie
You'll be bringing the
family down next to have
your picture taken next to
it. Picnic hampers and God
knows what else.
Rodney
I wanna buy it.
Boycie bursts out laughing.
Boycie
That's a good 'un, Rodney!
Tell me, what drugs are
you on this week?
Rodney hands Boycie the paperwork.
Boycie studies the cheque as his laughter dies. He looks
to Rodney for help or an explanation.
Rodney
Six million. We were hoping
for a bit more, but the
market's a bit depressed.
Boycie
Sit down please. Sonia,
fetch me and Mr Trotter a
coffee.
Boycie opens a cocktail cabinet.
Boycie
Drink?
Rodney
T'riffic.
INT. DAY. BOYCIE'S CAR SHOWROOMS.
Del is now walking round and admiring - drooling - over
every tyre and body contour. Rodney and Boycie
approach.
Rodney
(Handing Del
some keys)
There you go. It's yours.
Del
You what?
Rodney
The Rolls-Royce. It's
yours. I've just bought it
for you.
Boycie
Soon as the cheque clears
Del Boy, it's yours.
Del
You bought it for me? Why?
Rodney
A little present. Just to
say thanks.
Del turns and looks at the car lovingly - emotionally.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Raquel, Albert and Cassandra wait anxiously for Del and
Rodney's return.
Albert is on the phone.
Raquel
(Checking her
watch)
Where the hell are they?
Cassandra
Perhaps they're in discus-
sion with the directors at
Sotherby's.
Raquel gives her a withering look.
Cassandra
No, perhaps not.
Raquel
Maybe they're talking with
the curator at the museum.
Cassandra
Maybe.
Albert
(On phone)
Thanks a lot.
(Replacing receiver)
They're not at the Nag's
Head.
Cassandra
I guessed Rodney wouldn't
be in the Nag's Head,
Albert.
Raquel
Has he stopped drinking?
Cassandra
No, he's been barred.
We hear the front door close and now Del and Rodney
enter. Raquel, Cassandra and Albert look at them
expectantly - is it good news or bad news? Del and
Rodney don't just want to blurt the news out and cause
heart attacks and so we have a kind of Mexican stand-
off. Finally...
Raquel
Well?
Del
Yeah, fine thanks.
Raquel
No! I meant, what happened?
Rodney
Oh, at the auction?
Cassandra
Yes, at the auction! Did it
sell?
Rodney
Yeah, it sold, didn't it,
Del?
Del
Yes, we sold it.
Albert
I knew it. Beautiful piece
of machinery... How much
d'you get?
Del
Guess.
Raquel
Oh, come on, just tell us!
Rodney
No, go on guess.
Albert
Five thousand pounds?
Del
No.
Raquel and Cassandra’s spirits visibly sag in their
disappointment.
Albert
Six thousand.
Del
Close. Add a nought.
Cassandra
Six thousand pounds?
Del
You can tell she works in a
bank, can't you?
Rodney
Hardly any hesitation... No,
not six thousand. Add
another nought.
Albert
But that's... what is that,
Cassandra?
Cassandra
Six hundred thousand pounds?
Del
No...! Will you tell 'em or
shall I?
Rodney
Erm... You can have the
privilege, Derek.
Del
Thank you, Rodney. You two
girls hold on to your
stays... Add one more
nought.
Raquel, Cassandra and Albert exchange disbelieving
glances. Cassandra just stares wide-eyed at Rodney.
Rodney returns a gentle nod. Raquel looks at Del and
shakes her head. Del smiles and nods his head. Del
hands them the Sotheby's paperwork. Raquel, Cassandra
and Albert read the paperwork. They now look up at
Del and Rodney.
Del
(To Rodney)
Call intensive care.
Raquel stands.
Raquel
Six million pounds?
Del
Mmmh.
A pause.
Raquel now bursts into tears. She rushes to the cocktail
bar for a tissue.
Del
(To Rodney)
Told you she's be happy.
Albert and Cassandra sit in stunned silence. We now see
Damien staring at Rodney. Rodney reacts. Damien now
smiles at Rodney. Rodney's reaction is one of: 'Did
Damien turn this thing round for us?'
Del
Now we've gotta take things
nice and easy - no going
mad and splashing it around
on anything that grabs our
fancies. I know six million
sounds a lot but it'll be
very easy to blow it on
silly luxuries.
Raquel
But we can go out in the
week and look for a house,
can't we?
Del
Of course we can, darling.
Any day except Wednesday,
that's when my Rolls-Royce
is being delivered.
EXT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
Parked here are a few ordinary cars and a couple of
builder's vans etc. Now we see Del's Rolls glide into
a place.
INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
We hear a buzz of conversation in the bar, it is full
of people in deep discussion and the impression is they
are all talking about the Trotters' new-found fortune.
We see Trigger and Denzil in conversation at a table.
We see Mickey Pearce and mates discussing the
situation. We see Mike, Boycie and Marlene at the bar
discussing it in bewildered terms. Now everyone becomes
aware that the Trotters are in the house. They all look
towards the entrance door.
Here we find Del, Rodney, Albert, Raquel and Cassandra.
They are all dressed in brand new and very fine
clothes. - even Rodney has a cigar. At first the
Trotters are unsure of the welcome and they pause
uncertain whether to venture any further.
Now Denzil stands and begins clapping. Now the whole
pub rises in applause. It is genuine delight from
everyone, except Boycie. The Trotters puff their chests
out and meander through the adoring masses. Del returns
a small, royal wave and they all accept the handshakes
from Trigger and Denzil and pats on the back from
Mickey Pearce, etc.
The Trotters are proud and dignified and enjoying every
bloody second of this public approval. They are not
flash or lauding it - just enjoying their fame - Del
might even get emotional.
Del and Rodney arrive at the bar to receive a reluctant
and vinegary handshake from Boycie and Marlene.
Mike now grins proudly at his now famous customer.
Mike
Yes sir, what can I get
you?
Del
Champagne all round, Michael.
There are cheers from the crowd.
Rodney
Whoops. We've only gone and
left our wallets at home
again.
Mike
Please, that is no problem.
Del
On the slate, Mike?
Mike
On the house!
Del
No, we'll pay our way. And
while we're at it, let's
have all your sandwiches!
Del and Rodney both reach into pockets for money.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To Rodney)
I'll get 'em.
Rodney
It's alright. I've got some
money here, somewhere.
Del
No, no Rodney. I'll get the
sandwiches, you bought the
Rolls.
Rodney
(Laughing)
You bought the Rolls!
EXT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR.
It is a large, imposing detached house somewhere in
the home countries which we might guess would have
cost a million pounds. An estate agent's sign says
the house is sold.
A house sign says this is Trotter Manor. Parked in the
in-and-out gravel drive is the Rolls-Royce, the green
Capri and the three wheeled van, all lit by passive
lights.
Virtually every window in the house is lit to give it
a warm, glowing feeling.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. DRAWING ROOM.
The furnishings and decor are a mixture of Del and
Raquel's tastes. From Raquel we have the more practical
and understated, nice three piece suite, etc, coupled
with various examples of Del-chic, such as the large,
family portrait of Del, Raquel and Damien hanging above
the fireplace and the olde English bar complete with
repro horse brasses.
Raquel is seated on the settee reading to a pyjama-clad
Damien in front of the crackling log fire.
Del is behind the bar smoking an oversized cigar and
pouring champagne into three glasses. Del takes a
moment to look proudly around his castle and at his
family.
Albert enters wearing an elegant silk smoking jacket
over a crisp shirt and cravat. Del compliments him on
his dress as he hands him a glass of champagne. They are
trying desperately to be posh.
Del shows Albert a brochure for a large white motor-
launch (a 250,000 job).
Albert studies the brochure admiringly.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S APT/LOUNGE.
A large, modern and stylish penthouse apartment some-
where in the heart of London.
From the floor to ceiling picture windows we can see the
lights of London glittering below like Christmas tinsel.
Rodney - dressed the way he now feels - rich, relaxed
and confident - looks round his castle.
Rodney
(With a clenched
fist victory
gesture)
Yeah!
He turns to find Cassandra is watching him. She smiles
at him, happy to see him happy.
EXT. DAY. TROTTER MANOR.
A massive back garden, at least two acres.
Del and Raquel stand, arms around each other, and look
at 'their house'. They turn and smile at each other,
still not quite believing their luck.
EXT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S APARTMENT.
Rodney and Cassandra are standing on the roof garden of
their penthouse apartment. Stretched out before them is
the Thames, the Houses of Parliament, etc.
They also have their arms round each other and, by
their expressions, they, too, cannot believe their
luck.
Cassandra now notices something below and draws
Rodney's attention to it. From Rodney and
Cassandra's POV we see a large white motor launch
gliding along the river with Albert, all done up
like a sea captain, at the wheel. Cassandra laughs
at the sight. Rodney's reaction is more cautionary
- 'Albert's gonna kill someone!'
INT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. LIBRARY.
A few nights later. Del enters and surveys the room.
He is wearing a particularly bright pair of slacks
(yellow, maybe). He is now beginning to feel like a
fish out of water in this large house with so many
rooms and so few people to fill them.
He is already starting to miss his old haunts and old
mates. He longs for the Nag's Head and the One Eleven
Club and the Star of Bengal and the Market and Sid's
Caff.
He takes one of the leather bound books from a shelf,
opens it and reads for a second. He closes the book
and replaces it. He literally doesn't know what to do
with himself and his time.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. SNOOKER ROOM.
The lights over the table flicker on as Del enters. He
takes cue ball and rolls it into the pack. He has his
snooker table and no-one to play with. He switches
lights off as he wanders out of the room.
We get the feeling he is like a big cat trapped in a
zoo cage, pacing his alien environment as his
frustration and disappointment grows.
EXT. NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE.
One hour later. We see Del's Rolls-Royce glide to a
halt.
Del alights and surveys the old estate. He is still
wearing the bright slacks.
He breathes in a deep lungful of London air and starts
coughing. He now smiles in appreciation.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The lounge is in darkness, empty of furniture (except
for the old cocktail bar) and bare of pictures and
curtains. The front door opens and Del enters.
He switches the light switch on but to no avail and
then he remembers the power was switched off.
He wanders over to the bar and picks up his old cigar-
pot. He discovers just one cigar in the pot, removes
it, lights it and savours it. He now studies the room
and begins remembering some of the events that have
taken place here over the years. Del picks up a
suitcase and sits on it. We hear a voice over.
V/O
Del Boy. It's time to get
up. It's seven thirty.
Del
Yeah, alright mum.
V/O
It's your fault if you've
got a hangover. You can't
have today off. You're
taking your eleven plus.
V/O
I never raised a hand to
your mother Rodney, except
in self-defence.
V/O
Your dad always said that
one day Del Boy would
reach the top but then
again he used to say that
one day Millwall would win
the cup.
Rodney now enters the room.
Rodney
Alright?
Del
Yeah. What you doing here?
Rodney
Raquel phoned, said you'd
gone missing. I guessed
you'd be here.
Del
I'm just taking one last
look at the old place.
Rodney
You put it on the market
yet?
Del
No, not yet. It just didn't
seem right selling it. You
know, all the - Mum and
Grandad. I'll feel alright
about it next week, put it
with an estate agent.
Talking of agents, I called
into the travel agents in
the week. Booked us a
holiday in Barbados. My
treat.
Rodney
Oh nice. Flying first
class?
Del
Concorde.
Rodney
Even better. Shame about
Albert's boat, weren't
it?
Del
Yeah, what a stupid place
to put a bridge, eh?
Rodney
Yeah. Right over a river
like that. So how are you?
Del
Oh, couldn't be better
bruv. It's wonderful -
everything's coming up
roses.
Rodney
Alright, what's wrong?
Del
It's all so easy now. All
my life I've dreamt of
becoming a millionaire. Of
having a Rolls-Royce and a
big house in the country
and jetting off to the
Caribbean and all that.
Rodney
Well, you've got it.
Del
I now. But it's not the way
I thought it would be. You
see, the dreaming and
scheming and chasing and
trying - that was the fun
part, you know. It was
dangerous, impossible - it
was like Columbo sailing
away to find America, not
sure whether he was gonna
fall off the edge of the
world. That's how I used to
feel.
Rodney
Well, you fell off a couple
of times, didn't you?
Del
Once a month regular. But
now I've found it - I've
got what I was searching
for - the hunt is over, and
what do I do now? Learn to
play golf?
Rodney
Well, you've got the
trousers for it at least.
Look, why don't you enjoy
your retirement?
At this point Del is standing close to and has his back
to Albert's/Grandad's old bedroom.
Del
I don't wanna enjoy my
retirement. I wanna feel
like I used to feel - all
eager and alive. I want
something exciting to
happen.
The door to Albert's bedroom opens and Albert appears
behind Del who reels away in alarm.
Del
Aaargghh! Blimey Albert,
you garrity old git! I
thought you was a bloody
ghost.
Rodney
He never got the hang of
this haunting, did he?
Albert
What you two doing here?
Del
Well. Never mind, what us
two are doing here. What
are you doing here?
Albert
Well, I just come back to
pick up a few of me
belongings.
(Producing a
duffle bag)
Thought I'd have one last
look at the old flat
before you sell it.
Rodney
Yeah, well, we've had a
good look now. Let's lock
it up and go, shall we?
Rodney and Albert exit to hall. Del lingers taking one
last look. Now the BT phone starts ringing.
Del
We forgot to tell British
Telecom that we were
moving.
(Answering the
phone)
Hello?... Watcher Lennie,
how you doing, pal?...
Yeah?
(To Rodney)
Lennie Norris. He's got
four hundred electric
carpet steamers. Retail at
a hundred and fifteen,
he's selling then at
twenty five quid each.
Rodney
Del, we're not in the
business any more.
Del
I know Rodney, but we've
gotta double our money on
the deal, Rodney.
Rodney
Derek, can you hear me
over those trousers? We
are not in the business
anymore, mate!
Albert
You've got millions in the
bank and you still wanna
ponce around making twenty
five quid on a carpet-
steamer. You make me
laugh.
Del
(Very reluctantly)
Yeah, he's right. No, I'm
sorry, Len, we're not
interested. Trotters
Independent Traders are no
longer in business...
Bonjour.
INT. NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE.
Parked next to Del's Rolls-Royce is Rodney's Jaguar
sports car. Del, Rodney and Albert exit the flats.
Rodney moves to his jaguar.
Del
D'you fancy going down to
the Golden Dragon for a
Chinese?
Albert
Yes. I'm feeling a bit
peckish now you mention it.
Rodney
Yeah, I could go a sweet
and sour something.
Del
Leave the cars, we'll have
a toby.
Rodney
Yeah, alright.
The three of them begin walking away. Del suddenly
stops.
Del
Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu, what a
fool I've been...
Rodney
What's wrong now?
Del
Well, there's me thinking
now we've got all this
money it spells like the
end. But it don't - it's
the beginning. Don't you
see? For the first time in
our lives we've got money
to invest!
Rodney
No!
Albert
Dangerous business, invest-
ment!
The three begin walking away from camera arguing.
Del
Don't you remember all
those years you used to
say to me 'We should be
investing, Del Boy'.
Rodney
No I never said that!
Del
Well, it must have been me
then. I know one of us was
right. We can invest big-
time in the futures
market. Hey, we can get
into Hong Kong, Singapore,
Peking.
Albert
Beijing.
Del
There as well, I don't '
care.
Rodney
You're putting me off my
crispy duck! I don't want
to invest!
Now, slowly, the flats and the estate begins to fade and
the road and the three are walking on is transformed
into the yellow brick road. Del, Rodney and Albert
become cartoon silhouettes and still walk away from us
arguing.
Del
Rodders, have I ever let
you down?
Rodney
Yes! Like a couple of years
ago when you told me I'd
won a holiday in a painting
competition but forgot to
mention that, for an entire
week, I would have to
pretend to be 14 years old!
Del
That's always been your
trouble, Rodney, you always
dwell on the past. Mum said
to me on her deathbed...
Rodney
Now don't start on about
Mum and her deathbed!
Del
She said to me on her
deathbed, 'Del Boy, if you
and little Rodney become
rich, invest in the futures
market!'
Rodney
You liar! There wasn't a
futures market when Mum was
alive!
Del
Exactly, it just shows you
what a visionary she was!
This is our big chance,
Rodders. He who dares wins!
This time next year we'll
be billionaires!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.