EXT. DAY.
Shot of an jet airliner flying through the sky.
INT. DAY. AIRLINER CABIN.
We track along the cabin taking in a number of average
British holiday makers and a few business people (not
every seat is taken) until we find the Trotters. Del
is at window seat and wearing flashy summer shirt, a
colourful sun hat and a pair of thick gold-framed,
Benidorm-specials sunglasses (often referred to as
'bingo glasses'). He is excited by the whole event -
looking from the window and around the cabin - like a
kid trying to absorb every second of this adventure.
He has a pair of in-flight earphones on. Rodney is in
the middle seat (the aisle seat is empty). He is
casually reading a book.
Del, still with the headphones on, is speaking too
loudly.
Del
Hey hey hey - we've done it
Rodders!
Rodney
Done what?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
(A little louder)
Done what?
Del
Done it - joined the glitter-
ati!
Rodney
The glitterati?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
Take the headphones off!
Del
Eh? Oh. Sorry.
Del takes the headphones off.
Del
(Cont'd)
Do what?
Rodney
What do you mean, we've
joined the Glitterati?
Del
Well we have, ain't we?
We're transatlantic people
now ain't we, eh? No more of
that Costa Del Sewage for
us, bruv. We're in the big
time now.
Rodney
Yeah, I suppose so. Oi, Del,
when we land in Miami,
right, before we go to any
bars or anything like that,
the first thing we gotta do
is sort ourselves out some
transport and accommo-
dation.
Del
It's all taken care of,
bruv. You know Alex, the
travel agaent, he faxed one
of his people in the States.
Rodney
So we're all fixed up? Ace!
Oh well, I'll pay Alex when
I get back. I'll do it on
me credit card, eh?
Del
No, there's no need - I've
already done it.
Rodney
Good!... What, on my credit
card?
Del
Well, yeah. That's what you
were gonna do, weren't it?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Well, that's it, I've saved
you the bother. 'Cos this is
your holiday, and I don't
want nothing to mar it.
Rodney is politely uncertain.
Rodney
Thanks.
Del
We're gonna live it up a
little, ain't we?
Rodney
Well... yes! But there are
two kinds of living it up,
Del. You know - enjoying the
freedom from the stresses of
work, filling the mind with
new sights and sounds,
experiencing local cuisine
and culture, even indulging
in the gifts of nature such
as the sea and sun. And
then there's your kind!
Del
What exactly do...
Rodney
(Interrupting)
There will be no women on
this trip! Right?
Del
... Can you be more pacific?
Rodney
This holiday is not gonna be
another Benidorm revisited.
And I'm warning you, if I
see one, just one bra
hanging off our car aerial
- I'm outta there.
Del
I'm not gonna do anything
like that. And I would
never of even thought of it
if you hadn't just brought
it up. I don't know what
goes on in that little mind
of yours. You dirty little
devil. Here look - I'm
gonna have a little nap.
Give us a nudge when the
old drinks arrive, will
you? Now then how d'you get
this chair to go back
then?
Del pulls the chair-lever up and his chair disappears
from frame in a flash. We stay on Rodney.
As Del's chair whizzes back we hear a thump and the
sound of plastic plate and glass breaking. The woman
sitting behind Del yelps in alarm.
Woman
(OOV)
Look what you've done!
Del
(OOV)
Oh, er, sorry about that.
Woman
(OOV)
You've ruined it!
Del
(OOV)
No no no no - that's alright.
That'll clean off. Ask the
stewardess for a cloth.
Woman
(OOV)
It's dry clean only!
Del
(OOV)
No, they put that on the
label to impress you.
Rodney puts the headphones on in an attempt to block
out the row going on around him.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell.
We hear (distorted, as if from head-phones) the
opening bars of 'Summer In The City'.
Del
I'll tell you what, give me
a serviette and I'll do it.
That's right. Hitch your
skirt up a bit, gel. That's
it. Go on, give us it here.
What, on your own, are you?
EXT.DAY. MIAMI AIRPORT (MAIN BUILDING).
Del and Rodney exit the building lugging their suit-
cases, etc. They hire a taxi. Del shows the driver a
piece of paper (obviously contains an address).
The taxi pulls away. Del is wearing the summer hat and
sunglasses and continues to wear them until evening.
EXT.DAY.
Arial shot of Miami coastline. Sunny day.
EXT. DAY. MIAMI MONTAGE.
Various shots of Miami from taxi window. Shots of Del
and Rodney in the back of cab enjoynig the views and
the excitement of the trip.
EXT. DAY. CAUSEWAY WITH BAYSIDE VIEW (MIAMI SKYLINE
IN THE BACKGROUND).
The taxi pulls to a halt. Del and Rodney alight. Del
takes a photo of Rodney with the Miami skyline in the
background. Rodney now takes the same photo of Del.
A young guy passes by., with a sports camera around
his neck. Del asks him to take a photo of him and
Rodney. Del and Rodney stand with the skyline in the
background. The young boy takes the photo. Now he
runs off with the camera. Del gives chase.
DAY. QUIET HIGHWAY ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE CITY.
We see a small, rather tacky looking car rental lot:
'Mac's Auto Rentals'. We see a number of cars of
various ages and conditions. In the centre of the lot
is a mobile home or shack which houses the office.
The taxi pulls up and Del and Rodney alight.
INT. DAY. CAR RENTAL OFFICE.
It's a very untidy and cramped office.
Mac, the owner (45, unshaven and doesn't care) is
seated behind the counter reading a newspaper. Del and
Rodney enter.
Del
Hello, anybody here?
Mac
I'm in here!
Del
Oh, right.
Del and Rodney go through to the back office.
Mac
Oh hi, how ya doing?
Del
Yeah, listen - our travel
agent reckons he's booked a
car for us from you.
Del hands Mac some paperwork.
Mac
Okay.
Mac checks Del's paperwork against that of his own.
Mac
(Cont'd)
You guys on vacation?
Rodney
Yeah, a weeks' holiday.
Mac
No kidding? You come all the
way from Australia for a
week?
Del
No no no - we're not from
Australia! No, we are
English.
Mac
Oh, well you vould have
fooled me. Well, I won't
hold you up. I'll just bring
it right around the front.
Mac exits. Del notices an advertisment on the wall
concerning the 'Star Tours' trip around Biscayne Bay.
Del
Hey - look at this! We'll
have some of that, eh,
Rodders?
Rodney
What? Yeah, a nice little
boat trip'll do us the world
of good.
Del
Yeah.
EXT. DAY. THE CAR LOT.
Del and Rodney are ut of the office.
They place their luggage down.
Rodney
Oh wotchya America... Oh,
this is gonna be a holiday
to remember, innit?
Del
Ha ha ha - You said it,
bruv.
Rodney is now drawn from his reverie by a sesne of
curiosity as we hear the low throbbing sound of an
approaching vehicle which would appear to have serious
exhaust problems.
Rodney turns and reacts. We see Mac at the wheel of a
large and old camper.
Del
Here we go, Rodders!
Rodney
(Horrified)
What the hell is this,
Del?
Mike calls to them.
Mike
Alright, you gents have a
nice day, now!
Del
And you, pal.
Rodney
Yeah, thank you.
Mac exits to office.
Rodney
What are we gonna do with
that?
Del
That? That is where we're
gonna live. Alex recommended
it. See, the advantage is we
don't have to stay in one
spot, do we? You know, we
can move about a bit and
it's cheap.
Rodney
Del, there is no way I'm
gonna spend any time in
this mobile ghetto with
you!
Del
Eh, what do you mean you're
not gonna spend any time...
Look Rodney, I was only
tryin' to save you money.
And we won't be trapped,
will we? Eh? Becasue when
we get to a campsite we can
dump this, then we can go
walkies, right?
Rodney
Del, we could have booked a
ho... Oh, bloody 'ell! I
don't believe that I've
got... Alight, on one
condition.
Del
Alright, sir, what is the
condition?
Rodney
No curries!
Del
Alright, no curries son.
Come on then. Let's go'n see
America! Hey, hey!
INT. DAY. MAC'S OFFICE.
Mac looks from his window and laughs.
EXT. DAY. CAR LOT.
Del pulls the camper onto the empty highway but he is
driving on the left-hand side of the road.
Del
Here we go, Rodders!
He is driving away from camera and towards a brow of
a hill.
We hear Del singing.
Del
(OS)
'Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas
is the one I'm gonna see.
The Yellow Rose of Texas is
the only girl for me.'
Rodney
(OS)
(screams in alarm)
Deeelll!
A car appears from over the hill on the same side of
the road as the Trotters. Del's camper is still on
the left-hand side of the road.
The other car is passing on the opposite side of the
road. We hear the driver call out to Del.
Man
(OS)
You jerk!
Del
(OS)
Get over, you dipstick!
Rodney
(OS)
You're on the wrong side of
the road!
Del
(OS)
Eh?
Rodney
(OS)
They drive on the right-hand
side of the road over here!
Del
(OS)
Oh yeah! That's right, yeah.
The camper pulls away and moves to the right-hand side
of the road. Del, completely dismissing the fact that
only three seconds ago he almost wiped himself and
Rodney off the face of the earth, begins singing
again.
Del
(Cont'd)
'Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas
is the one I'm gonna see.
The Yellow Rose of Texas is
the only girl for me.'
The camper disappears over the brow of the hill.
INT. DAY. MAC'S OFFICE.
Mac is now sitting at his desk reading his newspaper.
He laughs as he hears the screech of tyres.
On the front page we see the headlines:
'MAFIA TRIAL. VINNY "THE CHAIN" OCCHETTI PLEADS FOR
BAIL".
Music under: A tune very much on the lines of 'The
Godfather' theme. We are talking serious Mafiosi.
EXT. DAY. THE OCCHETTI MANSION.
The white painted mansion is surrounded by finely
manicured lawns. A long, sweeping drive leads up to
the front steps of the house. The vision suggests
tennis courts, swimming pool and twenty or so
bedrooms.
The propery is protected by a high wall and shrubs. A
large set of electonically operated wrought iron
gates guard the entrance to the drive and property.
This is the home of Don Vincenzo 'Vinny the chain'
Occhetti, the 45-year old head of the most powerful
Mafia family. He is the Don of Dons - Marlon Brando
would call him sir. The Occhetti family and their
soldiers are all third and fourth generation Italian-
Americans and so, despite their Italian names, speak
pure American.
We see the magnificent house which is bathed in
Florida sunshine. We see four of the Don's soldiers
sitting and lounging around on the steps or walls of
the house. Three of them are jacketless and are
wearing shoulder holsters (All the soldiers wear
dark suits and sunglasses).
One of the soldiers (Pauly) who is wearing his jacket
and appears to be in a position of authority is
standing a distance away from the others. His two-way
radio crackles into life. Then he calls to the other
three, one of whom is a tall, thin man and is always
referred to as 'Lurch'.
Pauly answers the radio.
Pauly
(On radio)
Yeah, what is it? Right.
Pauly calls to the other three.
Pauly
(Cont'd)
Hey, Lurch, Tony, Gino.
Smarten up. The DOn's left
the courthouse.
The other two men put their jackets on and tighten
their ties. They now produce pump-action shotguns from
behind walls. We see the electronic gates opening and
two other soldiers standing guard.
Now a cavalcade of five black limosines glides through
the gates. It is made up of two sedans at front and
two sedans at rear. In centre is a black stretch-limo
with darkened windows.
The cavalcade purrs up the driveway and stops in front
of the house. Armed soldiers alight from cars and
assume guard positions.
Rico Occhetti, the Don's 24-year old son, alights from
the front passenger seat of the stretch limo.
He opens the back door of the car.
Don Vincenzo Occhetti alights. He wears a light
coloured three-piece suit with two thick gold chains
hanging across his waistcoat (his trade mark). He now
straightens and we see that Don Occhetti bears a
striking resemblance to Derek Trotter. The man
though, has a dark and sinister soul. His hard
unsmiling face holds a menace. He is used to getting
his own way and he is given to thumping tables and
issuing contracts on people's lives when refused.
We shall discover that he is also a desperate man
after being trapped by the law for his immoral
business activities and violent excesses. He is the
kind of man who can turn from the benign calm of your
favourite uncle to the screaming tantrums of your
worst brat nephew in the click of a switchblade.
His voice is pitched about the same level as Del's but
bears strong Chicago overtones. His skin is more
tanned than Del's thanks to the Florida sunshine.
Don Occhetti surveys his kingdom and then reacts.
We see an unmarked car parked outside the main gates.
Two en are standing by the car.
Don
Rico.
Rico
Yeah,Pop?
Don
Who are those goons in the
car?
Rico
Police surveillance, Pop,
nothing to worry about.
Don
Nothing to worry about?? I
got cops sitting outside my
front gate and there's
nothing to worry about!
What's happened to my civil
rights?
Rico
(QUietly)
Well, they kinda diminished
after they arrested you,
Pop, but you've been
released on bail so be
happy.
Don
Be happy! Be happy, huh? In
one week from now I got a
jury sitting in judgment on
me, looks like I may spend
the rest of my life in San
Quentin and my son wants to
throw a party! Whaddaya,
huh, whaddaya? I wanna
speak to my lawyer, now!
As Don Occhetti moves towards the house, Rico calls to
the family lawyer Salvatore, a dark suited man of
about 40 who is standing a respectful distance away,
armed with nothing more than a suitcase.
Rico
(Calls)
Salvatore.
He gestures towards the house. Rico and Sal follow the
Don across the courtyard to the house.
INT. DAY. THE LARGE HALL OF MANSION.
The interior of the house is decorated mainly with
white or light colours and with the finest wallpapers,
rugs, paintings, gold light fittings and furnished
with fine antiques.
It is the very height of opulence. The shutters are
closed against the searing sunshine and so the house
is darkened - like the souls of those who inhabit it.
Don Occhetti enters through the front door followed
by Rico and Salvatore.
Don
(The kind uncle)
Salvatore...
Sal
Don Occhetti.
Don
Ah, Salvatore, haven't I
always been good to you?
Sal
Yes, Do Occhetti.
Don
Haven't I always done favours
for your family?
Sal
Yes, Don Occhetti.
Don
Have I ever done you any
harm?
Sal
Well, there was that time
when...
A look from Rico stops Sal's speech.
Sal
No, Don Occhetti.
Don
Hmm, so maybe this time, er,
Salvatore you can help me
because, erm, I'm a little
confused. This is the way I
read the situation. You are
my lawyer. Correct?
Sal
Yes, Don Occhetti.
Don
Yet, here I am looking at
three to four life sentences
in the slammer.
(Now the brat)
So why in hell don't you get
off your ass and bury this
rap?
Sal
(Gulps back his
fear)
Well, you see, we're having
problems proving your
innocence.
Don
Why?
Sal
'Cos you're guilty.
Sal realises what e has said and tries to correct.
Sal
(Cont'd)
Oh no, when I say guilty what
I mean is...
Don
(Interrupting)
Guilty of what?
Rico
Kidnapping, drug-smuggling,
accessory to three counts of
murder. Gossip, Pop, just
gossip.
Don
Hmm, so... so I made a few
mistakes in the past, you
now, I mean to say - nobody's
perfect.
Rico and Sal nod in agreement.
Don
Now you listen to me - when
my father...
(Does the sign
of the cross)
God bless that man's spirit,
when he arrived on these
shores from Sicily in 1930,
this was a land of democracy
and law and order. Now he
fought to change all that,
but look at us now, huh?
What have all his efforts
amounted to, huh? Zilch,
that's what. Zilcho!
Salvatore - you call your-
self a lawyer? You're a
schmuck! And that goes for
you too, Rico.
Don Occhetti now begins moving up the stairs with Rico
and Sal in pursuit.
Don
If your mother was alive
today...
(Does the sign
of the cross)
God bless that woman's soul,
she would disown you.
Rico
Come on, Pop!
They move along the corridor towards the Don's suite of
rooms.
The Don is on the move.
Don
I tell you this, Rico, huh.
I never thought I'd see the
day when a son of mine
would be willing to stand
back and watch his own
father spend the rest of
his life in the state pen
sharing meatloaves with the
faggots, huh!
They enter the Don's suite.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
We are in a sumptuously decorated office with an
antique desk and leather Chesterfield suite. To the
left, two doors lead off. One leads to his bedroom.
The second door leads to a bathroom/gymnasium.
Hanging on the walls and standing on pieces of
furniture are various photos. There is also a large
oil portrait in a gilt frame of Don Occhetti. There
is a large antique globe of the world which has been
converted into a cocktail cabinet. Again, the room is
shaded. Don Occhetti enters, continuing his speech
from landing.
Don
Shall I tell you what'll
happen if I go down? All the
families'll be carving up
our empire like dogs fight-
ing over a weenie roast.
Every Marielito-punk from
Little Havana will be tryin'
to get a slice of the
action! And what about the
Columbian, uh?
Sal
What Columbian?
Don
What Columbian he says!
Rico
What are you a jerk,
Salvatore?
Don
Just sit down, will ya? Sit
down. Next week Señor
Vasquez arrives here from
Columbia to settle our
little deal. What d'you
think he's gonna do if he
thinks I've gone down the
tube? I'm getting very
worried, Salvatore, I'm
getting very nervous about
the future.
Don Occhetti lets out an enormous burp.
Don
(Cont'd)
D'you hear that?
Rico and Sal nod.
Don
(Cont'd)
That's peptic gas that's
caused by nervous exhaust-
ion! What ever happened to
the ancient Sicilian
traditions of bribery,
blackmail and intimidation?
Huh?
The Don opens the globe cocktail cabinet and pours him-
self a spoonful of medicine. He reacts to the vile
taste.
Sal
This is not a local police
investigation. This is the
FBI and we can't pay those
guys off.
Rico
The jury is locked up in a
guarded hotel, the
witnesses got round the
clock protection, we just
can't reach anybody.
Don
Then maybe I ought to do
something about it myself,
then, huh?
Rico
You can't, Pop. The police
surveillance team is
watching every move you
make, they even got a TV
camera crew filming you for
a documentary.
Don
They're filming me? What
d'they think I am, a common
criminal or something?
Rico and Sal shrug.
Don
(Cont'd)
Now you listen to me. Rico,
I want you to take some
money from the family
account and I want you to
buy me a DA - you buy me
the judge - you buy me the
senator. A lot of people in
this town owe me favours. I
want these favours
returned.
Rico
We've tried, but so far
there have been no takers.
It looks like people are
turning their backs on you.
Don
That is a very impolite and
highly dangerous thing to
do! Now, what I want you to
do - I want you to keep
searching and I want you to
keep thinking. Because
somewhere - somewhere out
there - lies the answer to
my problems.
EXT. DAY. A SIGHTSEEING BOAT IN BISCAYNE BAY.
From the Don's last words we cut to Del laughing
uproariously. He is now wearing a 'Miami Heats'
basketball cap. Rodney is next to Del and is also
laughing but in a more self-conscious way. In the
background we see a sign which reads:
'Star Tours. See the stars' hoes. Julio Iglesias. The
Bee Gees. Gloria Estefan.'
We see the object of their merriment is a buxom young
girl.
Del
Ha ha - look at the state of
that! You wouldn't go near
that unless you had all your
own teeth, would you,
Rodders, eh?
Rodney
(Laughing)
Shuddup, you'll get us
nicked!
The girl lights a cigarette.
Del
Look! Look at her now, look
- they say smoking's bad for
your chest!
Skipper
(On tannoy)
Biscayne Bay is the centre
of the Florida Coast
Guards Service. As you may
now, Miami has been nick-
named Cocainesville and
the officers of Biscayne
Bay fight an all year
round battle with the
drug-runners. And coming
up on your left, you will
see the home of Barry
Gibb, the lead singer of
the Bee Gees.
From our boat we see a figure hosing the garden.
Del
Look! Look there, look!
Look, Rodders, there's a
real-life Bee Gee.
Rodney
Course it ain't! He's most
probably the gardener!
Del
No, no, it's him, it's him,
it's Barry Gibbs. It is!
(Shouting)
Alright Bazza? Eh?
Rodney
Shuddup, will you? That's
not him!
Del
It is!
EXT. DAY. JETTY.
The figure has his back to us and in background, we
can hear Del singing loudly.
Del
(OOV)
'How deep is your love, is
your love, how deep is your
love...'
Barry Gibb turns into shot.
Barry Gibb
(Mumbling to
himself)
I need all this!
Barry Gibb walks out of shot.
EXT.DAY. SIGHTSEEING BOAT.
Del
No, I reckon you was right,
Rodders, it weren't him,
most probably the gardener!
Rodney
Yeah, what did I say?
EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT.
The lot is filled with Mercs ad Cadillacs etc, and also
two black sedans which should look familiar.
The camper pulls in next to the sedan and Del and
Rodney alight. By now they have managed to wash and put
on a change of clothes - Del no longer wears the hat
and glasses. They get out and check the doors are
locked.
Del is facing the nightclub as if it's a personal
challenge.
Del
That's it. Come on, Rodney,
bellies in.
Rodney
Del, I still think it would
be a better idea if we were
to drive to the camper site
now and book in first.
Del
Rodney, look - it's only
quarter to eight, there's
plenty of time to get in the
old camp-site.
Rodney
Yeah, there's also plenty of
time for you to get drunk
after we've booked in.
Del
Get drunk? Get drunk? You
enjoy putting me down, don't
you, eh? You think that I'm
just a one-dimensional sort
of person, don't you? Well
you're wrong! The only
reason I want to go in to
that club is to make a
telephone call because I
promised Raquel that I'd
phone her as soon as we
arrived.
Rodney indicates across the road.
Rodney
And what's wrong with the
public call box over there?
Del
Well, you can't get a drink
in there, can you? Come on!
Rodney
Oh - what are we gonna do
with our luggage?
Del
Well, I'll tell you what -
why don't we bring it with
us and we can put it in the
middle of the dance floor
and boogy around it like
them sorts do at the Nag's
Head when they have a disco
with their handbags!
Rodney
No need to be sarky about
it!
They walk on before Rodney reacts.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Oi - what are you talking
about 'disco' and
'boogying'? Del, I am not
boogying!
Del shouts from the entrance of the club.
Del
Rodney, please keep your
voice down! Remember we're
supposed to be ambassadors
for our country! Don't want
these people thinking we're
lager louts, do we?
(To a couple who
are passing by)
Excuse me - mais oui, mais
oui.
INT. NIGHT. THE NIGHTCLUB.
It is quite crowded, people drinking at bar, others
eating at tables, two couples smooch on the dance
floor. We see Del and Rodney enter and push their way
to the bar.
Del
(Calling barman)
Eh, Juan! Over here, Juan.
When you're ready, son.
Francisco, the club owner approaches.
Del has his back to him at this moment and so the only
face he can see is that of Rodney.
Francisco
Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm
sorry but this club is for
members only.
Del turns to face him.
Del
You what?
Francisco reacts, believing he has just insulted Don
Vincenzo Occhetti.
Francisco
I am so sorry Señor, I did
not realise it was you!
Del and Rodney look behind them to see who he is talk-
ing to.
Francisco
Please accept my deepest and
sincerest apologies.
Francisco kisses Del's hand.
Del and Rodney look at each other.
Del clenches his fist - Rodney restrains him.
Francisco
(Cont'd)
I am honoured that you should
choose to visit my humble
nightclub. Please, may I
offer you a drink?
Del
Yes, yeah, we'll have a cubre
libra and something non-
alcoholic.
Francisco
Of course.
Del
Yeah, and we'll be sitting
over there, alright?
Francisco
I will be with you
immediately!
Del and Rodney move to a table as Francisco goes to
get their drinks.
Del
What was all that about
then?
Rodney
God knows! Friendly sort of
bloke, weren't he?
Del
Oh, yeah.
We cut away to table on the far side of club. Here we
find Rico, Salvatore, Pauly, Lurch and Tony. They are
finishing a meal and involved in a dark and brooding
conversation.
Rico
There's gonna be a war!
Sal
Maybe not.
Rico
The only thing that can
prevent it is for you to
find an alibi for my
father.
Sal
I don't have to find your
father an alibi! I have to
find him nine alibis! How
the hell am I supposed to
do that in a week?
Rico
How can the justice depart-
ment can treat him like
this. Don't they know who
he is?
Sal
Yeah, that's the problem!
Rico
You mark my word, Salvatore,
the moment the jury foremen
says, 'Guilty' the war
begins.
Sal
Maybe not.
Rico
Why d'you keep saying 'maybe
not'? What d'you think the
rest of the Families are
gonna sit back on their butts
and pretend the old man is
still in control? They're
gonna go to war! Am I right,
Pauly?
Pauly
You're right, Rico.
Rico
Am I right, Tony?
Tony
You're right, Rico.
Rico
Am I right, Lurch?
Lurch
Maybe not.
Rico
(To Sal)
You see?
(Reacts to Lurch)
There's gonna be a war!
Francisco arrives at the table. He is carrying a tray
with Del and Rodney's drinks.
Francisco
Señor Ricardo.
Rico
Francisco, can't you see I'm
in a meeting here?
Francisco
I am sorry to interrupt,
Señor but I would like to
explain if I'd known he was
coming here tonight I would
have arranged a private
room.
Rico
If you'd known who was
coming ere tonight!
Francisco
Your father?
Rico
My father?
Pauly
Is this some kind of joke,
Frankie? Don Occhetti is
under virtual house arrest.
He can't go to the john
without the police tailing
him.
Francisco
But he is here! See for
yourself.
Francisco indicates towards corner table.
Rico, Sal, Pauly , Lurch and Tony rise fro the table
and peer over and through the crowd towards corner
table. We have a shot from their POV of Del sitting
at a table lighting a cigar. We see the Mafia's
reaction to this mirage.
They now lower themselves and disappear from view
behind the crowd. Cut away to corner table.
Francisco arrives with the drinks.
Del
Oh, lovely jubbly. How much
do we owe you?
Francisco
Please, it is on the house,
you are my guests. Would
you like to eat?
Rodney
Oh, no thanks, we had
something earlier.
Francisco
I see. If there is anything
that you should require, as
always, I am at your service.
Francisco exits.
Del
Big mouth! I expect the
grubs most probably been free
an' all!
Rodney
Course it wouldn't!
Del
Listen, Rodney, d'you know
what we're dealing with
here?
Rodney
What?
Del
American hospitality! They're
famous for it, they are. The
most friendliest people in
the entire world.
We cut away to the Mafia table.
Tony is listening on the mobile phone.
Tony is eagerly awaiting the phone to be answered.
Tony
Come on, come on.
The phone is answered.
Tony
(Cont'd)
Yo, Gino! It's Tony... Yeah
- is the Don there?
(Pause. To Rico)
He's in the pool.
Rico snatches the phone away from Tony.
Rico
Can you actually see him?
Good!
(The phone is
answered)
Dad's at home, the guy over
there ain't him!
(On phone)
Listen carefully. Tell my
father to stay in his room
till I get back tonight...
Just tell him I might have a
surprise for him.
Rico turns the phone off and smiles smugly.
We cut away to corner table.
Del has finished his drink.
Del
I tell you what - I'm
boiling!
Rodney
That's strange, that. I mean,
here you are in a tropical
climate, wearing a worsted
polyester blue serge suit
and you feel hot?
Del
(Uncertain)
Yeah.
Rodney
Weird...
He is interrupted by the arrival of the Mafia. They
smile benignly at Del and Rodney except for Sal who
appears nervous and reluctant to party to this.
Rico
Hi, how are you guys doing?
Del
Yeah, alright. Yeah - a
great time. Thank you.
Rico
Good. Let me guess. You're
not local people.
Rodney
No, no we're here on holiday.
Rico looks at Sal.
Sal
Vacation.
Rico
Oh, vacation! Yeah, yeah, I
thought as much. Well,
welcome to America.
Del
Yeah, well, thanks very
much, son.
Tony
We don't get many Australians
round here.
Del
Look, we're not Australian,
right?
Rodney
We are British.
Rico
British! We love the British!
Are you, erm, living locally?
Del
Well, no. No, we've got one
of them camper things out
there in the street, you
know. We just whack our
bags and what have you in
the back and off we go.
During the next exchange we see Tony talking quietly
to Lurch.
Lurch leaves the club.
Pauly
It's the best way to see the
country.
Del
Yeah, well, I mean - you
can't whack it, can you?
Rico
(Confused)
No, like you say, you can't
whack it. So can I get you
guys a drink?
Del
Er, well, er, no...
Sal
(Quietly)
I don't think this is wise,
Rico.
Rodney
You see the thing is, we've
gotta drive over to the
camping site... sorry, the
camper-park, before it
closes, you see.
Pauly
Oh come on, you must have
time for one!
Del
Well, we can have one,
Rodney, what do you reckon,
eh?
Rodney
Yeah, go on then.
Del
Yeah, we'll have a drink with
you - let's introduce
ourselves. This is my brother
Rodney, and my name's Del -
that's er, short for Derek.
Rico
Hi, Rodney... Derek. I'm
Rico. This is my cousin
Salvatore and our friend
Pauly.
Greetings and handshakes all round.
Sal
Are you enjoying your stay
so far?
Del
Oh yes, er, great. No, we're
having a blinding time.
Rico
Why don't you join us?
EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT.
We see the black sedan's trunk open.
Lurch, with a jemmy, leaves the back doors of the
camper open. He now takes the Trotters' suitcases and
hand-luggage from camper and places them in the trunk
of the sedan. He closes the trunk and, leaving camper
doors open, returns to the nightclub.
INT. NIGHT. THE NIGHTCLUB.
It is an hour and something later.
Del, who has had slightly too much to drink, and Rodney
are standing and about to leave. Lurch is now part of
the group again.
Rico
Come on, come on, you've got
time for one more! One
more...
Rodney
(Checking watch)
No, no, really. We're pushing
our luck as it is.
Del
No, he's right, Rico. He's
right.
Pauly
Come on, one for the road.
Tony
Yeah, guys, come on, you got
time for one more...
Del
Alright, go on then, have one
for the road.
Rodney
No, no, Del. No, come on
mate, cos that campsite's
gonna be shut and we're
gonna be locked out for the
night.
Rico
I didn't realise it was so
late. We've gotta be going
soon.
They all stand.
Rico
(Cont'd)
Well, Rodney - Del Boy!
Del
Rico! Well, thanks very much!
It's been really really great
meeting you guys, it really
has. Thanks a lot and er,
we've enjoyed your company
and everything. Now we gotta
go - we'll see you later
then, yeah? Thanks a lot -
yeah it's been great.
There are general goodbyes from everyone.
Del and Rodney exit.
EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT.
Del and Rodney exit from the club.
Del
What a blinding night, eh,
Rodders? Eh?
Rodney
Nice bunch of blokes weren't
they?
Del
Well, they were diamonds,
weren't they? I mean they
were absolute forty two
carat diamonds. I mean,
there we was drinking with
them all night, never had
to put our hands in our
pockets, did we?
Rodney sees the camper and runs to it. Del follows.
Del
What's the matter, Rodders?
Rodney, what's happened?
What's the matter?
Rodney emerges from the back of van.
Rodney
It's all gone!
Del
What?
Rodney
They've nicked everything!
Our suitcases, our flight
bags, the duty frees, the
lot!
Del
Oh no! I don't believe it! I
just do not believe it! I
mean, we was only in there
half an hour! Well, four
hours! I mean... Oh, I mean,
what's gonna happen, eh? I
mean, how we gonna get home?
Rodney
Now, Del, don't panic!
Del
Eh?
Rodney
(Gesturing to
inside pocket)
Listen, I took the passports,
the flight tickets - I took
'em in there with us.
Del
Rodney. Oh Rodney - you are
a saint, mate, you are a
saint! Well done! Where's
the money?
Rodney
I left that in the van.
Del
You plonker, Rodney!
Rodney
You told me to leave it!
Del
Me?
Rodney
Yes! And you told me to
leave the luggage in the
back!
Del
Yeah, well... why didn't you
use your own initiative,
then, eh?
Rodney
'Cos I didn't even wanna go
in to that bloody club!
Del
Yeah, alright, alright then!
Calm down, just calm down
then will you? Cor, stone
me! I don't know... How much
money we got then between
us?
They both search their pockets and produce a few
dollars.
Del
What's that?
Rodney counts the combined ammount.
Rodney
Right - thirty two dollars!
Right, now what can we get
for thirty two dollars?
Del
Mugged!
Rico, Sal, Pauly, Tony and Lurch exit from the club and
approach Del and Rodney.
Rico
Hey, you guys still here? Let
me guess, you decided to come
back and have that one for
the road! You son...
Del
No, I wish we had, Rico, I
wish we had. No, we're
thinking of going to the
police!
Rico
Why? You gotta problem?
Rodney
Yeah, we've been robber.
Pauly
You're kidding!
Del
No, I wish we was, Pauly! I
wish we was...
Rodney
They broke into the van while
we were in the club. They've
taken everything!
Lurch
Oh gee, that is just too bad!
Rodney
Yeah...
Rico
God, I feel so embarrassed.
You've just arrived in this
country and this happens!
What a welcome.
Del
Oh don't worry - it's just
one of them things, ain't it,
son?
Tony
So what are you guys gonna
do?
Del
I don't know what we're gonna
do. I mean, you know, we got
no money, we got no clothes,
we got no duty frees, we got
nothing.
Rodney
We're just gonna have to go
down to the police and get
them to sort it out.
Rico
Oh, save your breath, Rodney.
The cops'll do diddly squat!
They don't know their ass
from first base. But
Salvatore here's a lawyer.
(To Sal)
Maybe you could talk to some
of your friends in the DA's
office.
Sal
(Still reluctant)
Yeah, first thing in the
morning.
Del
Could you do that, Salvatore?
That would be very nice of
you, wouldn't it, Rodders,
eh?
Rodney
Yeah.
Rico
And in the meantime you two
guys are coming home with
me.
EXT. NIGHT. DON OCCHETTI'S MANSION.
We see the two sedans containing Del, Rodney, Rico,
Sal, Pauly, Tony and Lurch screech past the gates and
up towards the house.
We see the guards at the gate. Del and Rodney stare in
awe at the property.
They look at each other in silent disbelief. The car
pulls up at the front doors of the house and everyone
alights.
Rodney
Is this your place, Rico?
Rico
It belongs to my family.
Inside his suite, the Don watches them arrive on the
security monitor.
Del
Very nice.
Del and Rodney follow Rico across the courtyard, past
the swimming pool.
Del
What line of business you in?
Rico
We're in... er... insurance.
And imports.
Del
Oh, what imports and exports?
Rico
No, just imports.
INT. NIGHT. THE HALL OF MANSON.
Rico leads Del and Rodney in.
Gino is in the hall.
Rico
Well, this is it! Welcome!
An intercom rings and Rico answers it.
Rico
(Into intercom)
Yo?
Don
(Distorted)
Rico, I want you up here -
fast!
Rico
I'll be right up.
(Replacing receiver.
To Del and Rodney)
I'll show you to our guest
suite.
Del
(Quietly to
Rodney)
Guest suite! We've fallen on
our feet here, bruv.
INT. NIGHT.DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE/STUDY.
Don Occhetti is angrily pacing the floor.
Rico and Sal enter.
Rico
You see 'em?
Don
Yeah, course I saw them and I
heard them! What are you
doing bringing Australians
home, huh?
Sal
No, they're not Australian.
They're a couple of English
guys, over here on vacation.
We've put 'em in the guest
suite.
Don
Limeys? What are you doing
bringing Limeys in to my
house? You know that I hate
Limeys.
Rico
We met 'em at the club on
Coco Walk.
Don
Now, wait a minute. What are
you doing picking up guys in
bars? Huh? What is it with
you two? Are you getting
light on your feet? Is it
too much air in your Nikes,
or what?
Rico
Listen to me, Pop. These two
blokes could be the answer
to your prayers. One of them
is a dead-ringer for you.
Even Francisco at the club
thought he was serving you.
Don
Look, I saw them here on the
security monitor - I saw no
similarity whatsoever. He's
much taller than me - he's a
thinner guy altogether.
Sal
No, the other one.
Don
You mean... you mean the
squirty little dude with the
polecat face?
Sal
Yeah.
Don
Ah, I see, Salvatore,
Salvatore, this is your lucky
day. 'Cos I'm in a good mood
I'm only gonna break one of
your legs! And because you're
a member of the family, I'm
gonna do it slowly!
Rico
Come on, Pop, it was dark
outside - you couldn't see
them clearly. Tell him...
Rico gestures to Sal.
Sal
It's true, Don Occhetti, this
guy looks just like you.
Don
You know, last year I went to
the zoo and Is saw a camel
that looked just like your
mother but I didn't invite it
home and put it in the guest
suite! So, there's a guy who
looks like me! What's the big
deal?
Rico
I'll tell you what the big
deal is. Imagine this guy
dressed up in all your
clothes.
Don
In my clothes! What's the
matter with you - are you
outta your mind, or what?
Rico
We dress the Limey up in your
clothes and we take him out
to eat at a nice restaurant.
Now, while he's having lunch,
in full public view, somebody
blows him away.
Rico mimes a gun to head.
Sal
This is something I do not
advise!
Rico
Everybody will think that the
other Families have had you
killed! Even the police
surveillance team would be a
witness. Don't you see what
this means, Pop?
Don
What?
Rico
(To Sal)
Tell him, Sal...
Sal
In the eyes of America there
will be no more Don Occhetti!
No more Don Occhetti equals
no more trial. No more trials
equals no more prison
sentence.
Rico
And while we mourn your
passing you sneak off to Rio
for a couple of years. Long
enough for your plastic
surgery to heal and come back
as Uncle...
Sal
Carlo.
Rico
Carlo from New Jersey and
take over the family
business.
Don Occhetti becomes emotional.
Don
Rico, sometimes during my
life I have doubted that
you were my child. Some-
times I thought that
maybe the hospital had
screwed up and given us
the baby of a family from
Pittsburgh. But I take it
all back. You are
definitely my son!
(Hugging Rico)
It's brilliant - It's
wonderful! It also means
one less Limey in the
world.
Rico
Two, Pop. We're giving his
brother a one-way ticket
also.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RODNEY'S SUITE.
This is a luxurious twin-bedded room with en suite
bathroom. Rodney is alone in the room, seated on the
bed, watching TV and pressing the remote control
button so we continually get the sound and pictures of
various American channels. Rodney is like a kid with a
new toy. Del enters from the en suite bathroom.
Del
Rodney - have you had a
butcher's at the bog? It's
solid marble, it is,
Rodney. None of that stick-
on gear that you get down
at the DIY. No, this is the
real McCoy. Oh, someone up
there loves us.
Rodney
Sssh. I'm up to channel
forty-nine.
Del
Yeah, how many channels are
there then?
Rodney
I don't know, that's what
I'm researching.
Del
Good boy, I always said you
should be a scientist. Oh
look at this!
(Referring to the
room)
Can't be bad, can it, eh?
Look at this!
He jumps on the bed.
INT. NIGHT. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
Don
Don't let these Limey's call
home. I don't want anybody
knowing about this address.
Sal
Lurch's cutting all the
phones, except our business
line.
Rico
So, as far as everyone in
jolly old England is
concerned, those two guys
have vanished off the ace of
the earth.
Don
They can blame it on the
Bermuda Triangle!
They all laugh.
Rico
Or the Twilight Zone.
There is now uproarious laughter.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RODNE'S ROOM.
Del
We have struck gold here,
son.
Rodney
Oh, not many. We'll have to
show Rico our gratitude you
know. Get him a little
present or something.
Del
Yeah, yeah, we'll do that.
We've got no money. Never
mind, I'll nip him for a few
quid. Oh, blimey! Eh - we'd
better phone in to HQ.
Raquel'll be going spare!
Del picks up the telephone receiver.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, the lines' dead.
Rodney
Well, do that.
Rodney rattles the phone's on/off button rapidly.
Del
Why?
Rodney
'Cos, that's the way they do
in American films.
Del
Oh yes.
Del rattles the on/off button.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, still dead look.
Rico enters carrying a bundle of clothing.
Rico is still wiping tears of laughter from his face.
Rico
There you go, Derek. These
are my... er... uncle's
clothes, I think they'll
fit you, he's about the
same size as you.
Del
Yes, well, thanks. Very
nice. Oh er, Rico I don't
wanna be a pain, but,
Rodney's - he's got nothing
to wear.
Rico
That's okay, we've got a
guy works here who's about
Rodney's build, he'll lend
you some of his clothes.
(Picking up
intercom)
Lurch?
Rodney
Lurch! Saucy berk!
Del
Rodney, don't be so
ungrateful!
Rico
(Into intercom)
Tell... er... Gino to bring
up some of his clothes.
(To Rodney)
Piece of cake.
Del
Oh, by the way, the old dog's
knackered.
Rico
What?
Rodney
The telephone's not working.
Rico
Oh... Yeah, the telephone. A
couple of days ago we had a
tropical storm, the whole
area's out. Don't worry
though, they'll be back soon.
Listen, you guys get some
sleep because what say
tomorrow I take you out to
my favourite restaurant? A
day on the town.
Del
Lovely jubbly.
Rico
(Confused by
'lovely jubbly')
... Yeah. It's a nice little
Italian joint. The food is
out of this world. Believe me,
Del, this place will kill
you.
(Referring to
clothes)
Oh by the way, wear this suit
and the chains.
Rico is holding one of Don Occhetti's thick gold chains.
He hands it to Del.
Rico
(Cont'd)
It'll make you look real
business like.
Del
Oh yes, yeah, course. This is
very me, this, Rico. 'Cos
back home in England I am a
yuppy. Ain't I, Rodney?
Rodney
Er... yeah.
Rico
That's cool Well, nighty-
nite.
Del
Yeah, nighty-nite.
Rodney
Night.
Rico exits.
Del
He is such a nice bloke,
ain't he? They broke the
mould when they made him,
you know.
Rodney
(Now a worry)
Yeah! Look, Del, don't
think I'm getting paranoid
or nothing, but... Well,
did you notice them really
tough couple of tough
looking blokes down by the
gate when we drove in?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
And there was that one
downstairs an all?
Del
Well, yeah, so what?
Rodney
Well... it's most probably
ridiculous, but, you don't
think that Rico might be...
Del
What?
Rodney
A noofter!
Del
A noofter...! No, he's
Italian, ain't he? You can't
have an Italian noofter,
it's a well known medical
fact!
Rodney
But they're all blokes!
Del
Well, I know that, that's
because he's like... he's a
man's man, ain't he, eh? I'll
tell you what else he is,
Rodney. He's a little gold
nugget. Yeah, that's what he
is, Rodney. A little gold
nugget!
EXT. DAY. PECKHAM. THE CHRCH (ST MARK'S).
We see Raquel pushing Damien in his pram past the
church. She stops and looks in bewilderment to some-
thing happening within the church grounds. We cut to
show an articulated lorry with Romanian number plates
and letting parked in the grounds. The vicar who
christened Damien is standing by the lorry and
blessing it. The Romanian lorry driver lounges
against the lorry cab smoking a cigarette.
Vicar
In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy
spirit, Bless you...
Raquel
Reverend?
Vicar
Amen. Raquel. I'm glad I've
met you. I was going to
phone Derek as soon as the
lorry had gone.
Raquel
Del? But Del's in Miami.
Vicar
Miami? Oh dear!
Raquel
Reverend, excuse me for
asking, but why are you
blessing a Romanian lorry?
Vicar
I'm not blessing the lorry,
it's the contents. Didn't
Derek mention it to you?
Raquel
No, he didn't sa... Just a
minute. Has this got some-
thing to do with Derek?
Vicar
Well, yes. He did a time
and motion study of the
blessing of the wine and
came up with the novel idea
of doing it en-masse, as it
were. Then I distribute it
to other churches through-
out England.
Raquel
Oh hell! Oh, I'm sorry.
Vicar
It's been a real money
saver, especially as Del
sells it to us so cheap.
There's just one rather
major problem. It's turned
out to be Romanian
Riesling.
Raquel
Romanian Riesling!
Vicar
Yes. White wine. The
communion wine is supposed
to be red. It represents
the...
Raquel
(Cutting in)
The blood of Christ!
Vicar
Exactly! The other churches
are returning their cases -
daily! I don't want to
alarm you, Raquel, but you
may be getting a call from
the Archbishop of
Canterbury's office.
Raquel
Oh God!
Vicar
That's what I keep saying!
EXT. DAY. BOULEVARD/EXT. MANSION GROUNDS.
Parked in the boulevard is a van bearing the insignia
of a local TV news company.
One of the two camera crew is standing on a set of
step ladders and looking over the wall of the mansion
through a pair of binoculars. The second is seated on
the sidewalk holding a professional video camera.
1st News Person
(On ladders)
Hey, we got some action -
gimme that camera.
The 2nd news person hands the camera up.
2nd News Person
Is it Occhetti?
Ist News Person
No, it's his son and one of
the gorillas... Wait a
minute!
EXT. DAY. OCCHETTI'S MANSION.
Pauly and Rico exit. Pauly with a black bag, goes
towards a boat.
We see Del, Rodney and Sal exit from the mansion
followed by three of the soldiers (Tony, Lurch and
Gino). Rodney is now wearing some of Lurch's clothes.
Del is wearing the same light coloured, three piece
suit, complete with the thick gold chain that we saw
Don Occhetti wearing when we first became acquainted
with him.
Del
Here...
(Referring to
suit)
What d'you reckon, then,
Rico? Eh? Eh, look at that
- it fits like a dream,
don't it?
Rico studies Del critically, assuring himself that Del
will pass as his father.
Rico Perfect, Del, just perfect.
Rodney
Hey, there's a bloke over
there with a camera.
From Rodney's POV we see the cameraperson filming them
from over a wall.
Del and Rodney both smile towards the camera.
Del
Oh yeah!
Del gives the camera the thumbs up.
Del
(Cont'd)
Alright, pal? Who's that then,
Rico?
Rico is pleased that Don Occhetti's last movements are
being recorded.
Rico
Who knows? Tourists maybe.
I'm starving, let's eat.
Del
Yeah, and me. Lovely jubbly.
Rico reacts to 'lovely jubbly'.
They move off towards the cars.
EXT. DAY. STREET OPPOSITE RESTAURANT.
We now see the unmarked police car.
One of the policemen takes the camera and runs off a
couple of shots. The other officer is in radio-
contact with the station.
1st Officer
(On radio)
Twenty-nine thirty.
Radio Response
Twenty-nine thirty Q-S-K.
1st Officer
We're on South Bay and
Fairisle. Occhetti and the
boys have stopped off for
lunch at Carlotti's restaurant.
Radio Response
One-three-two -five. Miami
Q-S-L.
INT. DAY. THE RESTAURANT.
It is quite busy with lunchtime diners.
The chairs are high-backed and padded leather. There
is a table by the edge of the water. Six people are at
this table and in the middle of their lunch.
Del and Rodney enter with Rico and the boys. The owner,
Señor Carlotti, sees what he believes is Don Occhetti.
He approaches Del with great respect and fear.
Señor Carlotti
Don Occhetti.
Del and Rodney think this is a greeting.
Del
Don Occhetti to you, too.
Rodney
Don Occhetti.
Señor Carlotti
(Slightly fazed)
I am so happy you have
honoured me with your
presence here today. On
behalf of my family and
myself I thank you deeply.
Señor Carlotti kisses Del's hand.
Rodney and Del look at each other. They assume this is
another example of American hospitality.
Del
S'alright. Oh, s'alright,
you know. Puscas, Puscas.
Señor Carlotti doesn't understand this but is too
frightened to ask.
Señor Carlotti
I'll prepare for you a
table. Would you like to
have a drink at the bar?
Del
Yes, yes, thank you very
much, Señor - I've got a
diabolical thirst.
Señor Carlotti
Excuse me...
Señor Carlotti moves away to bar. We see Rico has moved
into the restaurant to look for the boat.
INT. DAY. THE RESTAURANT.
The Trotters and the Mafia are seated at table by the
water (Del at head of table, Rodney opposite him). They
are halfway through their first course. The previous
diners are now at another table.
Del is eating an Italian dish called Gnocchi which
contains potato dumplings.
Señor Carlotti arrives with a bottle of wine which he
proceeds to uncork as he speaks.
Señor Carlotti
(Respectfully to
Del)
Is everything to your satis-
faction, Señor?
Del
It's lovely, Juan. Blinding
dumplings.
Señor Carlotti now hands the cork to Del.
Señor Carlotti
Señor?
Del doesn't know what to do with the cork.
Del
Yeah... that's a lovely-
looking cork, innit?
Rodney
(Whispers)
You're supposed to test the
bouquet!
Del
Oh!
Del is still not sure what to do. Finally, he sucks
the cork.
Del
(Cont'd)
Thank you.
We see Rodney's reaction. Then we see the reaction of
Rico and Sal. They are fearful that Del will blow the
scam.
Del reacts to the corky taste.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Out of sheer
politeness)
Oh yes, lovely jubbly. Pour
on, Macduff.
Señor Carlotti seems slightly fazed by the experience.
Señor Carlotti
Grazi, Señor.
INT. DAY. THE BOAT.
The boat is approaching the restaurant. We see Pauly
on board. He starts to assemble his gun.
INT. DAY. RESTAURANT.
Knowing that the assassination is about to take place
and not wishing to be in the vicinity of any
ricochets, Rico and the others have to make their
excuses and get the hell out.
Rico
Excuse me, Del... I gotta go
to the john.
Del
Do one for me, son, will
you?
Del laughs.
Tony
I've gotta go check the
plumbing as well.
Sal
I gotta go too.
Lurch
And me.
Del and Rodney are mystified as Rico, Sal and the three
soldiers exit like a swarm towards the men's room.
Rodney
I hope it ain't catching!
Del
Must have been them enchil-
adas they had last night.
(Raising his
glass)
Cheers, bruv.
Rodney
Cheers, Del.
EXT. BOAT.
We see Pauly still assembling his high power rifle.
INT. DAY. MEN'S ROOM (RESTAURANT).
We find the five Mafioso huddled by the entrance door
checking their watches and waiting for the sound of
gunfire and screams, etc.
Rico
Any time now...
The door now opens and thumps into the mafia. The 1st
diner (one of those who had to move to another table)
enters and reacts to finding these strange men in the
toilet.
Rico
(Embarrassed)
How ya doing?
1st Diner
(Worried)
Fine, thank you, fine.
Sal
We're just talking.
1st Diner
Er, sorry to interrupt.
Sal
Oh no, no - you're not
interrupting.
Lurch
(Referring to
urinals - a
gruff order)
Well hurry up, just do it!
1st Diner
Oh.
EXT. DAY. BOAT.
During Del's next speech we see Pauly bringing the
telescope sight up to his eye. We see a shot through
the sight.
INT. DAY. RESTAURANT.
Del has moved forward to pick up another dumpling on
his spoon.
Rodney
(Embarrassed. A
quiet warning)
Don't pick it up with your
spoon! Use a fork!
Del
Don't be stupid, Rodney, it'd
roll off a fork, wouldn't it?
No, as I was saying, I've
always had this gift. Where
ever I go in the world people
have always just taken to me.
Rodney
What d'you mean, wherever you
go in the world? You ain't
been nowhere!
Del
No, fair enough, I ain't been
nowhere. But, I mean, where
ever I have been people have
always taken to me.
EXT. DAY. BOAT.
The crossed hairs are centered on Del's forehead again.
The finger depresses the trigger.
INT.DAY. THE RESTAURANT.
Del
I mean, you take this holiday, for example. I mean,
alright, the first night we arrived we was ripped off
- we lost everything. But then I bumped into young
Rico and he immediately took to me. I don't know what
it is - people always seem to like me, I just don't
know why.
Rodney
No, it's got me bewildered
an' all.
Del
(Angrily)
Rodney!
At this moment, the dumpling falls off his spoon and
drops onto the floor.
Del ducks down to pick it up, immediately his head has
cleared shot the padded leather back of chair,
directly where his head had been, explodes, accompan-
ied by a very dull thud. Del immediately reappears
holding the dumpling and none the wiser.
The only person in the entire restaurant who sees this
is Rodney whose mouth drops open in disbelief.
Del
Look at that! I was saving
this dumpling to last an
all! Blimey, I don't know.
Del is about to eat the dumpling when he notices
Rodney's expression.
Del
(Cont'd)
What's the matter with you?
It's hardly touched the
ground, did it? Anyway, the
floor was clean! Honestly,
you and your hygiene!
Rodney
Del Boy.
Del
What?
Rodney
Somebody just shot you.
Del
Shot me? Well don't worry,
Rodders, I'm feeling much
better now.
Rodney
Del.
(Referring to the
back of chair)
Look.
Del
What's the matter with
you...?
Del gets up to see the torn and blackened leather back.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Reacting)
Gordon Bennett!
In doing so he bumps into Giulio, the waiter, knocking
him over, dropping trays etc. A female diner screams
in alarm as the plates and trays hit the floor.
INT. DAY. MEN'S ROOM (RESTAURANT).
Rico, Sal and the boys smile as they hear the commotion
from the restaurant.
Rico
Bingo.
1st Diner
(Just zipping
up, jokes)
Gee, I hope that wasn't my
dessert.
Lurch
How can you joke at a time
like this?
(Referring to
Rico)
His father's just been shot.
Rico
(Reacting)
Shuddup, Lurch!
The four exit.
INT. DAY. THE RESTAURANT.
Señor Carlotti and Giulio are clearing away the mess
and masking Del. Rico and the boys enter.
Rico
Oh my God! Somebody call
an ambulance. Is he dead?
Del stands up.
Del
No, but is was bloody
close, Rico!
Rico stares incredulously at this resurrection.
Rodney
A bullet, right, come out
of nowhere and... if he
knew how to use a knife
and fork he'd be a gonner!
Del
That's right. That's true.
Absolutely. Look, there! I
was - I was just sitting
there quietly eating me
dumplings, right, and then
suddenly, whack! Look, a
bullet hit the back of me
chair. I mean, you don't
need it, Rico, do you? I
mean, you don't need it,
son!
Rico is fazed by the whole thing.
Rico
No, no you certainly do
not!
INT.NIGHT. PECKHAM. TROTTERS' LOUNGE AND EASTBOURNE
/CASS'S HOTEL ROOM.
Raquel and Albert sit staring at the TV which isn't
switched on. There is a mood of almost mourning in this
flat. The telephone rings. It alarms the both of them.
Albert
Shall I get it, love?
Raquel
Please! If it's anyone from
the Church of England, tell
'em I'm out.
Albert answers the telephone.
Albert
(On phone)
Trotters Independent Traders
PLC?
(Pleased to hear
the voice)
Yeah, it's me! Where are
you?
Raquel
Is it Del?
Albert
No, Cassandra.
We now intercut between the Trotters' lounge and with
Cassandra's hotel room in Eastbourne.
Cassandra
(On phone)
I'm at my hotel in Eastbourne.
Have you heard from them yet?
Albert
(On phone)
No, not yet, love.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh, Albert, I'm so worried!
We don't even know where
they're staying!
Albert
(On phone)
Yes we do. Raquel phoned the
travel agent. They hired a
camper.
Cassandra
(On phone)
A camper? But that means they
could be anywhere!
Albert tries to allay her fears.
Albert
(On phone)
No, they found the camper.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh thank God! Where?
Albert
(On phone)
It was abandoned in a car
park. Everything was gone.
Their luggage, passports,
money, everything.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh God!
Raquel
Give me the phone! You'll
worry the poor girl to death,
you morbid old goat!
Raquel snatches the phone from Albert.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Hello, Cassandra, it's me.
Cassandra
(On phone)
D'you think Rodney's been
hurt, Raquel?
Raquel
(On phone)
Of course not. Del's with
him.
Cassandra
(On phone)
You don't think he's been
arrested, do you? Oh no,
Del's with him!
Raquel
(On phone)
Look, don't worry. There's
bound to be a simple
explanation for Rodney not
calling.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Like what?
Raquel
(On phone)
Well... Del's with him!
EXT.DAY. MIAMI BEACH.
Del and Rico are laid on beach beds wearing swimming
costumes. Behind them stand Sal, Pauly, Tony, Lurch
and Gino, all wearing dark suits, collar and ties and
sunglasses. We see Rodney approaching carrying a tray
of drinks. He is wearing a very touristy vest and
shorts.
Rodney
Here you are, chaps.
Rodney hands the beers around.
Del
Oh well done. Is this
mine, Rodders?
Rodney
(To Del)
Oh, by the way, the bloke
who owns the bar said he
offers his deepest respect
and his loyalty is beyond
question.
Del
Oh, that's very nice of
him. Have I met him?
Rodney
No.
Del
Everywhere I go, people
seem to be offering me
their deepest respect and
kissing me and what have
you.
Rico
They're nice people, Del.
Hospitable, salt of the
earth.
Del
They certainly seem that
way, Rico.
Pauly
Derek, you ever had a go
on one of those?
Pauly indicates further along the beach. We see, a few
yards away, a number of ski-jets parked on sand and a
few people whizzing across the waves on them.
Del
Have I ever had a go on one
of those, Rodney?
Rodney
Course you ain't!
Del
No, no, I ain't.
Rico
You'd like to try? It's no
sweat, I know the owner.
Del
What, me? Have a go on one
of those things? Oh dear.
No way, Pedro!
Rico
Come on, Del, there's a
first time for...
(Reacts)
No way, Pedro?
Del
No, you won't catch me going
out on one of them things!
Tony
And I was always led to
believe that you Brits were
a seafaring race.
Del
We are! We gave you the
world's greatest sailors,
pal. Remember that we gave
you Nelson, we gave you
Drake, we gave you
Columbus.
Rodney reacts to the last name.
Rico
But you're afraid of a few
itsy bitsy little waves.
Del
No, no, I'm not afraid,
Rico. No, no, listen don't
get me wrong. You see, I got
no reason to be afraid 'cos
I've got a hundred yards
swimming certificate back at
home, haven't I, Rodders?
Rodney
Yeah, he has.
Del
Alright, OK then. Come on.
Let's have a go. Away we go.
Come on, then.
They all stand.
Rodney
(Quietly to
Del)
You sure about this?
Del
He who dares, Rodney, he who
dares. We don't want them
thinking that us Brits are
chicken, do we?
Rodney
We certainly do not!
They are now amongst the ski-jets.
Del
(Referring to a
jet-ski)
'Ere are, this one looks
alright, Rico, don't it?
Rico is at another jet-ski near the water.
Rico
No, Del, this is the best
one.
Del walks towards the water.
Del
Oh yeah, course. That one is
better than that, innit?
Yeah, right.
Del climbs on board.
Rico
Come on then. Alright, come
on up there. Don't be shy.
Now straddle your weight
evenly. This is your start
button and this...
(Indicating right
hand grip)
Is the throttle.
Del
The throttle, right.
Rico
Now just remember the faster
you go the easier it is to
stay up. Way to go, fella!
Del
Yes. Cushty! Here we go...
Del revs the throttle and the jet-ski zooms away.
Rodney, Rico, Sal and the soldiers are watching Del
from the shore.
Lurch
Look at that baby go!
EXT. DAY. DEL ON JET-SKI.
He wears a terrified expression but he hides his fear
behind macho 'I'm enjoying this' type sounds.
Del
(Shouting)
Lovely, Yes!
(Under his breath)
Lovely jubbly. This is about
far enough now.
EXT. DAY. MIAMI BEACH/SHORE.
Rodney
Did he say something then?
Pauly
I didn't hear a thing,
Rodney.
EXT. DAY. THE OCEAN.
We now see Del trying to turn the handles to return to
shore. We see that the handles will not budge.
Del
(Calls)
Rico, the steering wheel's
stuck! The steering wheel's
stuck!
EXT. DAY. SHORE.
Rico and the others continue to watch Del go further
out.
EXT. DAY. DEL ON JET-SKI.
Del is still calling and struggling with the
handles.
Del
Now the throttle's stuck -
Rico! Ri... co!
We see Del turning the throttle down but this makes
no difference to the engine which continues to rev
high.
Del
(Cont'd)
I've got an iffy throttle!
EXT. DAY. MIAMI BEACH/SHORE.
From Rodney's POV we can see Del is a few hundred
yards off shore and heading directly away towards the
horizon.
Rodney is trying not to let his concern show.
Rodney
He's going a long way out,
ain't he?
Rico
Yeah, he's enjoying himself.
Rodney
Oh yeah, I know! I'm just
saying - he's a long way
out.
EXT. DAY. DEL ON SKI-JET.
Del is screaming back towards the shore.
Del
Where are the brakes on
this bloody thing? Gordon
Bennett!
EXT. DAY. MIAMI BEACH/SHORE.
Del is now a speck in the distance.
Pauly
(To Rodney)
What a guy, huh?
Rodney
Yeah... He's certainly
surprised me.
Rico
Why's that?
Rodney
Well, he can't even swim!
Rico, Tony and Pauly all look at each other with hidden
delight.
Sal is alarmed at this news.
Sal
But I thought he said he had
a certificate for swimming.
Rodney
Oh yeah, he has, but it
ain't his!
EXT.DAY. OCEAN.
Del on jet ski, going further out, screaming.
Del
Help! Help!
INT. DAY. AN AEROPLANE CABIN.
We now pan along the seats and passengers as we hear an
announcement from the captain.
Captain
(OS)
(American accent)
We've begun our descent into
Miami and are about twenty-
five miles off the coast.
We finish our pan and find Boycie at a window seat,
Marlene is aisle seat and Tyler in the middle seat. A
stewardess removes his glass.
Boycie
Thank you. Well, Tyler, soon
be in Miami. Let's hope it's
better than Washington.
Marlene
I liked Washington.
Boycie
Not much of a beach though,
was there!
Marlene
In the last fortnight we've
been all down the east
coast of America and you've
done nothing but moan!
Boycie
I didn't moan in Atlantic
City!
Marlene
That's 'cos you was too
busy gambling in the casino!
Boycie
(Looking down
from window)
That's funny!
Marlene
What is?
Boycie
There's a bloke down there
on one of them ski-jet
things.
Marlene
So what?
Boycie
So what? We're twenty-five
miles off the coast!
Marlene
Well, he must know what
he's doing.
EXT. DAY. THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.
We are looking out at nothing but ocean as far as the
eye can see. All we can hear over the sound of the
waves is the noise of a jet aeroplane somewhere
above. Now we hear the sound of a fast approaching
engine and Del's voice shouting for help.
Del and the ski-jet now appear from beyond camera and
rush away from us.
EXT. NIGHT. THE OCCHETTI MANSION. (RAIN).
A worried Rodney descends the stairs.
From one of the rooms he hears Rico speaking. The door
to the room is slightly open and he can see Rico
speaking on the telephone via the reflection in the
mirror.
Rico
Senor Vasquez? This is Don
Occhetti's son, Ricardo.
I'm calling to say that our
meeting can go ahead as
scheduled... Yes, Senor, I
understand that your
English is not good.
(Now speaking
slowly)
Your - meeting - with my -
father - can go ahead - as
planned... planned... Si...
Gracias. I look forward to
meeting you... Right,
Lovely Jubbly.
Rico puts the phone down and reacts: why did I say
that?
Rico
(Cont'd)
Lovely jubbly.
Rico exits and comes face to face with Rodney.
Rico is slightly thrown by this - wondering what
Rodney has heard.
Rico
Hi, how you doing?
Rodney
Fine. I just thought that
might be news of Del.
Rico
No. I'll let you know if I
hear anything. You're not
worried, are you?
Rodney
No! It's just that he left
the beach eleven o'clock
this morning and it's now
eight-thirty at night, you
know.
Rico
Your brother's one hell of
a fun guy.
Rodney
Oh, I know, but can you
have fun on a ski-jet for
nine and a half hours?
Rico
Del can! I'll bet he's in a
nightclub on Key West with
some señorita.
Rodney
He's wearing swimming
trunks!
Rico
They all do on Key West!
Rodney
Oh I see. It's like that, is
it? I see the phones are
working again then?
Rico
No.
Rodney
But I thought I saw...
Rico
That's a private line, purely
for business.
Rodney
Oh, I see. So, how come that
one's working when the others
in the area are out?
Rico
(With a big shrug)
Search me.
Rodney
I couldn't just use that
phone for a minute, could I?
Rico
No. I'm expecting a very
important business call.
Rodney
Right. I just wanted to
phone home, you know, tell
'em where we are in case
they're worried.
Rico
There's nothing for them to
worry about, Rodney. You're
with us.
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're
right. Well, I'll be in my
room. Well, if you hear
anything...
Rico
You'll be the first to know.
Night.
Rodney ascends the stairs. Pauly and Tony appear from
rear of house (kitchen or somewhere).
Pauly
Lurch is bringing the car
round the front.
Rico The tall one's starting to ask questions. Looks
like tomorrow we take him for a drive and put him out
of his misery.
Tony
One down, one to go.
There is a ring at the front door bell. Rico opens
the door. We now see one of the detectives who have
been on surveillance duty.
1st Officer
Evening, sir.
Rico
(With false concern)
Officer! Is there any news of
my father?
1st Officer
Yes, sir, and I'm afraid
it's bad news.
Rico
Oh God! Good God, no!
1st Officer
We fished him out three hours
ago.
Rico
(With mock tears)
He's dead?
1st Officer
No, he's alive and well.
Rico
What?
1st Officer
That's what I mean by bad
news. See, we know what the
plan was, Rico. Daddy
doesn't cherish spending
the rest of his life in the
pen, so he takes a little
joyride on a ski-jet, meets
up with a friendly yacht
and sails off into the
sunset? Only it couldn't
work, Rico, for two reasons.
One: we're watching his
every move. We saw him
leave, then the coast guards
had him on radar. And two:
he ran out of gas thirty
miles off Cuba.
The 2nd officer appears with Del who is wrapped in a
blanket. His face (eyebrows, eyelashes, lips, hair) is
covered with the white stain of dried salt. His skin
is sun burnt.
Del
Am I glad to be back, Rico.
It was 'orrible out there,
really 'orrible! I thought I
was a gonner, I really did.
I don't know what would have
happened to me if that
police helicopter hadn't
found me.
Rico
Why don't you, er, go to the
kitchen and get yourself
something to eat.
Del
Thanks. I could murder a
pina colada...
2nd Officer
(To Rico as Del
exits)
Oh, by the way, something's
happened to his voice - he
sounds Australian. We think
it might be salt on the
vocal cords.
Rico
Oh, rest assured, Officer,
I've got something for his
throat. Night.
The policeman turns away.
Rico
(Cont'd)
(To himself)
You Limey turkey! What have
we gotta do to get rid of
you?
INT. NIGHT. PECKHAM. THE NAG'S HEAD.
We come up on TV in bar - about to show the 9 o'clock
news. Mike serves drinks to Alan.
Mike
There you go, Alan.
Alan
Oh, right. How much do I
owe you?
Mike
No, no, they're with Mickey
Pearce - on the last round.
Alan
You're joking?
Mike
No.
Alan
Cheers.
Alan walks towards the table where Raquel, Albert,
Denzil, Trigger and Mickey Pearce are seated.
Mike turns to Sid.
Mike
Right, Sid, I'll top you up.
Denzil
Come on, Raquel, you're
worrying about nothing.
Raquel
Nothing? They've been gone
for five days and we haven't
heard a word from them! And
you call that nothing?
Denzil
Well, what I mean is, there's
probably a simple explanation
for it.
Trigger
Maybe Dave's gone down to
Brazil to have a look at the
forest!
Alan turns to Raquel in an attempt to make her laugh.
Alan
There you are, you can't get
more simple than that!
Mike
Yeah! I mean, look at that
telly, Sid. It's all bad news.
Sid
You're right, nothing but bad
news.
Mike
It's all tragedies and
disasters.
Sid
Yeah, it's all doom and
gloom.
Mike
I shouldn't have it on during
happy hour really. It's a
funny old business with old
Del Boy and Rodney, innit?
Sid
They'll turn up sooner or
later.
Mike
Yeah.
Sid
I just hope the police catch
who ever did it! Right, I
must be off. Cheers, Mike.
Mike
Cheers, mate. Stay lucky.
Sid exits.
Cut back to the table.
Raquel
Have you heard from Cassandra?
Alan
Yeah. Yeah, she called from
the hotel. She's as worried
as you are.
Mickey
There's nothing to worry
about! A few years back my
brother went to Portugal on
a golfing holiday. No-one
heard from him for three
months! His wife was
phoning Interpol, my Mum
was going mad - but he
turned up safe and sound.
Raquel
Where had he been?
Mickey
He'd shacked up with some
German tart.
Alan
Shuddup, there's a good boy!
Mickey
Alright, so he was bang out
of order, but at least he
weren't injured.
Denzil
Which is more than people'll
say about you if you don't
shut it!
(To Raquel)
Listen, I've known Del a lot
longer than you, and some-
times he can be a bit
forgetful, especially when
he's enjoying himself, I
mean, he's most probably out
there having the time of his
life and... I'm not saying
the right things, am I?
Raquel
No, you're not!
Albert
Young Mickey was more comfort-
ing than you!
Mike
(Calls from bar)
Here - Raquel!
Mike directs her attention towards the TV.
Mike
(Cont'd)
Look!
We see on TV the footage shot by the two cameramen
outside the Occhetti mansion.
We see Del and Rodney exit the mansion and talk to
Rico.
Mike
(Cont'd)
Hang on - I'll turn the sound
up!
We see Del, in Don Occhetti's suit and chains (with a
smiling Rodney behind him) give the thumbs up to the
camera.
American Commentator
The Miami District Attorney's
office have named this man.
Public enemy number one! His
web of vice and corruption
has spread throughout the
western hemisphere and many
consider him to be the most
dangerous criminal since Al
Capone,
After 'public enemy number one' we cut to Raquel. The
rest of the TV commentary is under her words. All
eyes turn on Raquel.
Trigger
(To Raquel)
There they are! There's Del
and Dave!
Raquel
Public Enemy Number One? But
he only left Tuesday!
EXT. DAY. MIAMI. THE OCCHETTI MANSION.
We are outside the mansion. Rico joins Pauly from the
house.
Pauly
What's happening?
Rico
I got a call from the
airport. The Columbians have
landed, they'll be here any
minute. I want everyone, and
I mean everyone, down here
to greet them. We need a
show of strength, let 'em
know they're not dealing
with the Boy Scouts.
Pauly
No problem.
Rico
Hey, where's the Limeys?
Pauly
Don't worry, I've taken care
of them. They're busy.
EXT.DAY. TENNIS COURTS IN MANSION GROUNDS.
We see Rodney and Del trying to play tennis. Del is
wearing tennis whites including long white trousers.
Rodney is still wearing tracksuit, trainers and
T-shirt.
By now Del is looking quite tanned and more like Don
Occhetti by the day.
Del
God! Whack it back to me,
for God's sake, Rodney!
Rodney
I'm tryin' to whack it
back! I'm not very good at
tennis!
Del
No! Really? Anyway, what's
the score? I'm six sets up,
ain't I?
Rodney
No you are not! You're
about two games up and it's
my serve!
Del
No, no, no, it's my serve!
Rodney
How can it be? You served
during the last game!
Del
Yeah, I know, and I won! So
it's my serve again, innit?
Rodney
No, it don't...
(Gives up)
Oh I've had enough of this!
I'm going in!
Rodney picks up his jacket from side of court.
Del
Oh, just cause you're
losing!
Rodney walks off in a sulk.
INT. DAY. DON OCHETI'S SUITE.
The Don is working out in bathroom/gym.
INT. DAY. HALL OF MANSION.
Rodney enters from the tennis court. He looks around
for someone to give his racquet to.
Rodney
(Calls)
You there, Rico? Lurch? Tony?
Anybody about?
Rodney realises he is alone.
Now his eyes wander to the telephone which he had
seen Rico using in an earlier scene. Rodney creeps
into the room and closes the door.
INT. DAY. MANSION. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
Don Occhetti, wearing a pink and green shell-suit,
exits from bathroom/gym. He is sweating and has
obviously been working out (we see the gym equipment
through the open bathroom door). Because of his self-
imposed incarnation he is now looking paler and more
like Del originally looked.
INT. DAY. ROOM OFF HALL.
Rodney produces a piece of paper from jacket and starts
to dial number which is written on the paper.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
The Don gets the medicine bottle out of the globe and
goes to intercom. He picks up the receiver, dials and
takes a swig of the medicine, leaving the bottle on
the desk.
INT. NIGHT. EASTBOURNE HOTEL RECEPTION.
The receptionist calls to Cassandra.
Receptionist
Mrs Trotter! Mrs Trotter!
INT. DAY. MANSION. TELEPHONE ROOM (OFF HALL).
Rodney
(On phone)
Hello? Cass? It's me. Rodney!
INT. NIGHT. EASTBOURNE HOTEL RECEPTION.
Cassandra
(On phone. Highly
excited)
Where are you? What's
happened? Are you alright?
Rodney
Yeah, now steady on! No,
listen, we're both fine,
right!
INT. DAY. DON OCCETTI'S SUITE.
The Don is still waiting.
Don
Come on, one of you jerks,
hurry up and answer the
phone!
INT. DAY. THE HALL OF MANSION.
The intercom phone is ringing as Del enters from tennis
courts.
Del
(Answers intercom)
Hello - Battersea Dog's Home?
Del creates a dog impression.
INT. DAY. MANSION. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
The Don reacts to Del's voice on the intercom. He slams
the receiver down.
INT. DAY. HALL OF MANSION.
Del smiles to himself as the receiver is slammed down.
He makes his way upstairs.
INT. DAY. INTERCUT BEYTWEEN MANSION TELEPHONE ROOM AND
EASTBOURNE HOTEL RECEPTION.
We intercut between Rodney and Cassandra.
Cassandra
I've been so worried about
you!
Rodney
Have you?
Cassandra
Yes. I didn't take the
interview. They let me off on
compassionate grounds.
Rodney
What - so you could have come
with me after all?
Cassandra
Well not without the help of
a fortune teller! I didn't
know you were going to go
missing for the week.
Rodney
No, I suppose not.
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Del, still in tennis whites, exits from his and
Rodney's room. Unable to find Rodney, Del believes his
brother is playing a sulky game of hide and seek.
Del
Rodney, where are you?
You're not in our room...
INT. DAY/NIGHT. TELEPHONE ROOM/EASTBOURNE HOTEL.
Intercut with Rodney and Cassandra.
Rodney
Oh, I wish you could have
come, Cass, you would have
loved it. They're such nice
people.
Cassandra
Well, if you hadn't booked
that particular week I would
have been with you.
Rodney
Yeah, well, I didn't
actually book the tickets.
Del did.
Cassandra
Del? No, he couldn't. He
knew I was in Eastbourne
that week.
Rodney
Well, I suppose he thought
you... He knew? What d'you
mean he knew?
Cassandra
Yes, I told him over lunch
when the seminar was. So why
did he book that particular
week?
Rodney
Isn't it obvious why? So he
could get a free bloody
holiday.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
The Don paces angrily.
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Del continues looking for Rodney.
Del
Rodney. Come on. Come out,
come out wherever you are.
Del arrives at Don Occhetti's door.
Del
(Cont'd)
Rodney!
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY.
The Don is standing as he hears Del from outside.
Del
(OOV)
Are you there, Roddy woddy?
The Don quickly sits in a high backed chair with back
to door. We see Del enter. The Don and Del are both
in same frame. Del surveys the room without moving
into it, therefore not seeing the painting and
photos.
Del
Oh yes, this is very nice.
This is a bit of me this is
'cos I'm a Byzantine sort
of bloke.
Del exits. The Don gets up and follows.
Del
(OOV)
Where are you hiding, you
little scallywag?
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Del is on the landing once again. Don Occhetti peers
down landing at Del (merely trying to get a better
look at his doppelganger). Again, we see Del and Don
Occhetti in same frame. Del exits to his room. Don
Occhetti steps out onto the landing and considers
the likeness. Now, a movement on the stairs draws
his attention.
We see Rodney, half-way up the stairs and fuming
from what Cassandra has just told him.
Rodney
(To Don Occhetti
believing him to
be Del)
You git!
We se Don Occhetti's reaction.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
(Approaching menacingly)
You rotten, conniving, git!
Rodney now grabs the Don of Dons, the most powerful
figure in the entire Costra Nostra, by the throat.
Don Occhetti has no choice but to take this treatment.
If he speaks or protests in any way he will give the
game away.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You are the most selfish
bastard I've ever come
across! Do you know who I've
been talking to?
Don Occhetti shakes his head.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Cassandra! Ah, that's shaken
you, innit?
Don Occhetti reacts.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You knew all along she
wouldn't be able to make
this trip, didn't you?
Don Occhetti shrugs innocently.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You knew all along she had
to go to the bank's seminar
in Eastbourne! But you
didn't tell me that, did
you?
Don Occhetti shrugs again.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
No, no, you kept that well
quiet, so as you could come
on this bloody holiday! And
where d'you get that stupid
track-suit from?
Don Occhetti opens his mouth as if about to say
something.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Don't talk to me! I don't
wanna hear none of your
excuses! Just do not talk
to me, alright?
Don Occhetti nods obediently.
Rodney shoves Don Occhetti up against the wall and
then moves down the landing to his and Del's room. As
he is about to enter the room Rodney turns and lets
the Dons of Dons have one more volley.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Git!
Rodney exits to room slamming the door behind him.
Don Occhetti's look of feigned innocence now changes
to one of burning anger and vengeance.
INT. DAY. DEL AND RODNEY'S SUITE.
Rodney has just entered from his confrontation with Don
Occhetti and is still in a flaming mood.
He locks the door with a key and then slips the bolt
across.
Rodney
(Mumbles angrily
to himself)
That's it, you ain't sleeping
in here tonight. Rico's gonna
have to find you somewhere
else for you to sleep!
We now see that Del is standing in the doorway to the
en-suite bathroom listening to Rodney.
Del
What's up with you, Soppy?
Rodney
You know full well what's up
with me! You knew Cassandra
couldn't come away with me on
this trip and you new because
she told you!!
Del
Ah, now you come to mention
it she did say something...
Rodney
But you planned it! You went
to the travel agents and you
booked it just so as you
come with me on this
holiday!!...
Del
Shh. Now listen, calm down,
please, Rodders. Just calm
down a minute, will you. You
see the thing is that erm
well... look... That wine
deal of mine has gone right
up the pictures! I had this
phone call from Bucharest -
the first lorry load they
delivered was white wine!
So anyway, I... I just
didn't know what to do! And
you know me, don't you?
There are only two things
in the world that worry me
and that is doctors, you
know, Gods! And, well, I was
frightened of being cursed!
So I thought, well, you
know, if I came over here,
like, to Miami - he won't
find me and that's the only
reason I did it, Rodney.
Honest, I just, you know,
wanted to lay low for a
spell!
Rodney
Oh yeah, on my pension money!
I swear, Del, you are the
most 'orrible, dirty
little...
(Reacting)
How d'you get in here?
Del
What d'you mean, how did I
get in here?
Rodney
How d'you get in this room?
Del
Well, I came through that
door, it's a blinding
invention!
Rodney
No you didn't 'cos I locked
that door and the only...
How d'you get changed so
quickly?
Del
What do you mean, 'How did
I get changed?' I haven't
got changed, have I? I've
been wearing this all
morning.
Rodney
No, I don't understand
this, I was just talking to
you outside.
Del
You were just talking to me
outside? You couldn't have
done, could you, 'cos I've
been in the khazi on suite.
Rodney
Derek, I've just been having
a row with you out on that
landing! You were wearing a
pink and green track-suit!
Del
(Worried but is
calm)
A pink and gre... Rodney...
Now I want you to tell me
the truth, I won't be
angry. Have you... erm...
taken anything? Have you
smoked one of them Jamaican
Woodbines?
Rodney
The only thing I have taken
is a load of cobblers from
you! Now, I was talking to
you on that landing. Or...
Del
Or what?
Rodney
Or someone who looks...
like you.
Del, apparently takes this seriously.
Del
Someone who looks like me?
What you mean- like what,
like a double?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Oh dear, I see. You know
what this means, Rodney,
don't you?
Rodney
What?
Del
It means you're a bigger
plonker than I thought you
were.
Del laughs.
Rodney
Alright. Well, you go and
have a look for yourself,
he's out there on the
landing.
Del
Alright, I will if it'll shut
you up - you little dipstick.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
Don Occhetti takes a walkman and earphones from his
desk and storms towards bathroom/gym, mumbling as he
does so.
Don
I don't know what the world
is coming to? I'm a prisoner
in my own home and all
because of those goddam,
sorry-assed, Limeys.
He exits to bathroom and closes the door heavily behind
him.
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Del and Rodney walk down corridor. At the end of the
landing, close to Don Occhetti's room is the large
mirror.
Del and Rodney see their reflections in the mirror.
Del
Boo! Oh look - dippy, that's
what it was, look - your
reflection?
Rodney
How can I have a row with a
bloody reflection.
Del
Well, that's easily done!
I've had a barney with
myself many a night when
I've come home from a party!
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. BATHROOM/GYM.
Don Occhetti is now pedaling furiously on his exercise
bike and is wearing the earphones of walkman which is
playing.
Don
(Mumbling)
I'm closing your account,
you lime-sucking bozos!
INT. DAY. LANDING.
Del
So what d'you want to do -
go and check it out then?
Rodney
Eh? Erm. Well, I'll go down
there and keep a look-out.
Del
Oh I see. So you wanna go
up there and keep a look
out and you want me to go
into that room and check it
out. Right?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Oh, cushty!
(Mumbles)
Do it yourself Del! Go on
then.
Rodney goes up landing.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY.
The door opens and Del peers in. He can hear nothing
from the bathroom and, as far as he is concerned, is
completely alone in the suite.
INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM.
The Don is pedaling away on the bike.
Don
I hate Limeys!!! I hate
Limeys!!!
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S STUDY.
Del steps further into the room and cautiously begins
to check it out. At this point he doesn't notice the
paintings and photos.
Del picks up a few small antique items and studies
them with a few 'Mmmhs' of appreciation.
He goes to desk, picks up a piece and drops it with a
crash.
INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM.
The Don is still pedaling away on the bike.
Don
I hate Limeys! I hate 'em! I
hate 'em!
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
Del is now a bit more relaxed. He wanders over towards
some book shelves and passes the antique globe cocktail
cabinet. He gives it a quick spin and we hear the
terrible sound of shattering glass from inside.
Del reacts horrified at this.
INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM.
The Don, pedaling, still hasn't heard anything from the
study.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
As Del backs away from the globe his hand reaches out
behind him and he knocks the open bottle of medicine
over. The medicine spills over Del's right hand and
he reacts to the vile smell. As he heads for the door
he glances in the direction of the painting. He
doesn't take the vision in immediately and now opens
the door. He is about to leave when he pauses. He now
moves back into the room and stares, open-mouthed, at
the large oil painting of Don Occhetti.
Del just stares, trance-like, at this vision. He now
studies the smaller framed photos. We see a recent
picture of Don Occhetti with Frank Sinatra, Don
Occhetti with Castro and Don Occhetti with the Pope.
Del passes another photo, and then goes back to look
again.
INT. DAY. MANSION. HALL.
Rico starts upstairs with Columbian drug baron, Señor
Alberto Vasquez and his tough-looking assistant,
Jorge Harrera.
Both men are smartly dressed in lightweight suits and
carry brief cases.
Rico
I'm pleased you could make
it, Señor Vasquez. My father
has been so looking forward
to meeting you.
Vasquez
(Struggling with
English)
And so it is with me, too.
Si?
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Rodney hears voices from hall and knocks on the Don's
door.
Rodney
Del! Hurry up, somebody's
coming!
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE.
Del moves towards the door and sees a newspaper. The
main headline reads: 'Mafia Boss Faces Life In Jail'.
In smaller print:
'Dons of Dons released on bail'. Beneath this is a
black and white photo of Don Occhetti.
Rodney
(OOV)
Del!
Del is now considering the events leading up to this
discovery. On Del's face we see other shots: 1. The
restaurant. Del leans down to et dumpling and the
bullet zaps into the back of his chair. 2. The ski-
jet ride. Del miles out to sea and screaming 'Help'.
Everything now fits into place, and Del realises it.
Del
They were tryin' to kill me!
Fromage frais!
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
We see Rodney at the Don's door.
He hears Rico and the Columbians coming up the stairs.
Rico
(OOV)
After your meeting you must
stay for lunch.
Vasquez
(OOV)
Gracias.
Rodney at door, cringing with fear knowing that Del
will be caught for sure.
Rodney
(Mouths)
Oh shit...
He runs back to his and Del's room.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY.
Del hears Rico and the Columbians.
Rico
(OOV)
You had a good flight?
Vasquez
Yes, it's good.
Del looks round for a place to escape but Rico enters.
Rico simple assumes Del to be his father.
Rico
Pop, the Columbians have
arrived.
Del, realising that his voice and accent will give the
game away, just smiles and makes noises to all of
Rico's questions and statements.
Del
Oh.
Rico
This is Señor Vasquez and his
associate señor Herrera.
Del
Mmmh.
Rico
I'll be in the other room if
you need me.
Del
Ah, mmmh.
Rico exits the room.
Vasquez obviously has practiced his next speech in
which he puts too much emphasis on the 'H'.
Vasquez
Don Hocchetti, hi ham
honoured to meet you, sir.
Vasquez kisses Del's hand and then reacts to the vile,
medicine-type taste.
Vasquez
Forgive me, Señor, my
Engleesh - no good.
Del gestures for them to sit down and is trying to say
something Italian.
Del
Bonnetti, bonnetti.
Herrera and Vasquez sit.
Vasquez
Bonnetti, bonnetti. We bring
the final, erm...
(To Herrera)
Firmation, er...
Herrera
Eenformation.
Vasquez
(To Del)
Eenformation, eenformation
concerning... concerning our
buseeness transaction.
Del
Business.
Because of their lack of English, Del feels comfortable
and confident enough to speak his normal voice.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, cushty... PA.
Herrera
(Passing papers
across the
desk)
You will read, please?
INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM.
The Don is still pedaling on the bike.
INT. DAY. STUDY.
Del
(Studying papers
briefly)
What - what is this exactly?
Vasquez
It is the firmation...
Herrera
Confirmateeon. Confirmateeon
regarding delivery of
merchandise.
Del
Oh, er, smashing. Smashing
... Er, what sort of
merchandise is it then?
Herrera and Vasquez look at each other.
Vasquez
Señor, it is the finest, the
purest, the very best
cocaine.
Del reacts.
Del
Cocai...
Del coughs.
Herrera
Seventeen tonnes. It is on a
yacht anchored offshore.
Vasquez
We wait - we wait you
eenstruction. Don Occhetti,
where - where... delivery of
merchandise in the boat -
you know - where? Where?
Del
Em... Deliver, delivery,
yes...
Del now remembers his sight-seeing boat trip and the
coast guard centre at Biscayne Bay.
Del
(Cont'd)
I tell you what, yeah, why
don't you deliver it then
tonight about midnight. You
know Biscayne Bay at all?
Deliver the merchandise to
Biscayne Bay. Biscayne Bay.
Herrera
(Writing this down)
Beescayne...
Vasquez
Cayne...
Del
Cayne, cayne.
Vasquez
Cayne.
Herrera
Biscayne...
Vasquez
Bay.
Del
Bay.
Herrera
Bay.
Vasquez
It is safe, er, safe?
Del
Oh, don't you worry. Yes,
oh, the cocaine'll be safe
there, all right.
Vasquez
Someone there to meet us?
To meet us?
Del
Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, don't
worry, there'll be someone
there to meet you alright,
yeah.
Vasquez
Good. Good.
(OOV)
It ees good to do buseenes
with you, senor.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. BATHROOM/GYM.
We see Don Occhetti is still pedaling on the bike and
listening to his walkman. He is sweating profusely.
He disappears into the inner room and switches the
cold tap on.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY.
Vasquez and Herrera react to the sound of running
water coming from the bathroom. Del reacts, suddenly
realising that someone has been in there all the
time.
Vasquez
Er room... Who?
Del
Whoom... whom...
Vasquez
Whoom? Room?
Vasquez is concerned or suspicious.
Del
Er - whom in the room? Yeah
... That's a good question
- erm whom is in there?
That is erm, the bathroom
and that is my... girlfriend
in there!
Vasquez
(In Spanish to
Herrera)
What does he mean?
Herrera
Don Occhetti's señorita.
Vasquez
Ah, yes, yes, the soñorita!
Macho sounds from all of them. From inside the bathroom
we hear Don Occhetti do a mighty burp. They all look
towards bathroom.
Del
Yes, yes, the señorita...
(Del hurrying
nervously)
She had a double helping of
chilli con carne last
night. I told her not to, I
mean, I told her!... But
you know what they're like,
don't you? Well - cor, look
at the time then - I think
that will conclude our
business then, gentlemen.
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Del
Yes, alright then. Well,
thanks very much.
Vasquez
Adiós.
Del
Adgegos.
Vasquez
We will be speaking soon.
Del
Yeah, OK, Speaky soon.
(As goodbye)
Bonnetti, Bonnetti.
Vasquez
Bonnetti!
Vasquez and Herrera start to descend stairs. Del runs
to his and Rodney's room, still holding paperwork
which Vasquez gave him earlier.
INT. DAY. DEL AND RODNEY'S ROOM.
Rodney is pacing the room as Del bursts in.
Rodney
Didn't you hear me knock-
ing? Rico brought two blokes
up to that room.
Del
Listen to me, Rodney. We
are in deep, deep schtuck.
This is Mafia country.
Rodney
Mafia?
Del
Yes! Shh, listen. Come over
here. Sit down there. Just
listen to me. You now that
Rico, Salvatore and all the
other guys? They're Mafioso!
And you remember that you
said to me that you thought
you saw a bloke what looked
like me, well, there is one.
He's got a room down there
- his name's Don Occhetti
and he is the boss. I'm
telling you, Rodney, this
is Marlon Brando time!
Rodney
(Considering it
all)
Nah!
Del
Yes! I've just read the
newspaper down there. It's
all about him. You see, this
Don, this Don, he's up for
trial and it looks like he's
well in the frame and he's
gonna go down the Kermit and
spend the rest of his life
in the nick!
Rodney
What for?
Del
Drug-running, kidnapping and
three, you count them, three
murders! Right, now that is
what all this has been
about, Rodney. Don't you
understand? Eh? They've been
trying to kill me! Think
about it! That accidental
stray bullet that just
whacked into the back of my
chair. The iffy ski-boat
ride, eh? Don't you see,
look if I go for a Burton
that means that this Donald
- whatever his name is -
doesn't have to stand trial
and he goes free!
Rodney
Look, Del. Don't you think
you might be letting your
imagination run away with
you?
Del
I wish I was, Rodney, I wish
I was! You take a look at
that, pal - go on!
Del hands Rodney the paperwork.
Del
(Cont'd)
I've been down there and
I... I've just had a little
tête-a-tête with two
Columbian drug barons.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell, Del! He's a
Mafia boss!
Del
What do you think I've been
trying to tell you? Course
he is! Look at it - look!
Rodney
Oh cosmic!
Del
Eh?
Rodney
Cos-bloody-mic! I just
roughed him up!
Del
What?
Rodney
I just roughed up a Mafia
boss! I called him a git! I
just called a Mafia boss...
Del
Rodney, just pull yourself
together!
Rodney
... a git!
Del
I tell you - these are not
the sort of people that you
wanna spend your holidays
with. I'll tell you another
thing, too. That Rico, he
can forget that present we
was gonna buy him!
Rodney
Oh, let's get outta here!
Del
How can we, eh? We can't go
downstairs 'cos they're all
there!
Rodney
Let's get out of the window
then! Let's just get out
before I wake up with a
bloody 'orse's 'head on me
pillow!
EXT. DAY. MANSION.
We see the back of the house. The walls up to the first
floor window are covered with a thick climbing plant
(creepers).
Del and Rodney appear on balcony.
Del
You go first, Rodney. Go on,
go on!
Rodney climbs out gingerly and gets a grip on the
creepers. Del follows him. Half way down we see the leg
of his tennis trousers snag on something and rip from
the bottom of the leg up to his knee.
Del
Oh, look at this - look!!
Rodney is now on the ground. Del eventually joins him.
They run off.
EXT. DAY. FRONT OF MANSION.
As Rico sees Columbians into a taxi we see Rodney and
Del peer round edge of house in background.
Rico
Mucho... very much...
Vasquez
Hasta la vista...
The Don exits the bathroom sweating from his exercise.
He moves to intercom, close to window. The Don has
his back to the window as to talks to intercom.
Don
Yeah er... send Rico up to
me. Er, tell him I want to
talk to him.
EXT. DAY. THE MANSION.
Del and Rodney run across lawn to wall.
INT. DAY. DON'S SUITE.
The Don switches intercom off and moves to globe cock-
tail cabinet. He opens the top of the globe and broken
glass and liquid spill out onto floor. The Don stares
incredulously at this destruction.
EXT. DAY. GARDENS OF MANSION.
Del and Rodney reach the wall.
Rodney climbs up a bush near the wall and sits astride
wall. Del climbs up and grabs top of wall and reacts
with pain.
Rodney
Careful, Del, there's some-
thing sharp up there.
Del is stuck. Rodney pulls him off.
Del
Rodney!
They fall back out of frame.
INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY.
The Don is kneeling by the antique globe cocktail
cabinet picking up pieces of glass from carpet. Rico
enters.
Don
How the hell did this
happen?
Rico
I don't know, Pop. The last
time I saw it, it was fine.
Leave it, I'll get Lurch to
do it. Well, the Columbians
seem happy.
Don
Yeah, well, maybe they won't
be so happy after we've had
our meeting. So, er, show
'em up, Rico.
Rico
Show 'em up? They've just
left.
Don
Left? What the hell did they
come all this way for and
then leave without talking
to me?
Rico
But you had your meeting with
them, Pop. I brought 'em in
and introduced them... how
did you change into that
track-suit so quickly.
Don
I've been in this all morning.
I've been working out!
Rico
Oh God! The Limey!
EXT. DAY. MANSION.
Del and Rodney run off.
INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING.
Rico rushes towards Del and Rodney's room followed by
Don Occhetti.
Don
I'm in court tomorrow morning!
Rico!
INT. DAY. DEL AND RODNEY'S ROOM.
The door bursts open and Rico and Don Occhetti enter.
Rico throws open the bathroom door in his search for
Del and Rodney.
Don
Do something you stupid jerk!
Rico
Don't worry, Pop, we'll get
'em back.
Rico rushes out of the room.
We stay on Don Occhetti's vengeful face as we hear Rico
calling in background.
EXT. DAY. LONG COUNTRY HIGHWAY.
We see a few cars racing past.
We pan back to see an old American convertible
driving towards us at about 20mph.
Seated in the front bench seat are Del and Rodney and
a little old lady who is so small she has to peer
between the top of the steering wheel and dashboard.
Del can't believe the speed they are doing. He looks
at the lady then turns to Rodney, begging an
explanation.
Old Lady
Are you enjoying the ride,
boys?
Del
Oh yes, lovely, Miss Daisy.
(To Rodney)
I don't believe this!
Rodney
(To Del)
It's supposed to be a get-
away, at this rate we'll be
done for kerb-crawling.
We see the car pull into a roadside cafe/shop. The old
lady produces a shopping bag.
Old Lady
Well, this is about as far
as I go, boys.
Del
Yeah, well thanks for the
lift.
Old Lady
Have a nice trip back to
Australia.
Del
We're not Australian! We're
English, aren't we?
Rodney
Just leave it - come on! She's
old!
Del and Rodney alight and run off towards some woods.
As they disappear into the trees so the Mafia's sedan
screeches to a halt and reverses. The Mafia alight
and collect their guns from the trunk.
Rico
Are you sure it was them?
Pauly
How many guys are running
round the Everglades
dressed like Jimmy Connors?
EXT. DAY. FOREST.
We see Del and Rodney struggling through the under-
growth.
PECKHAM. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert paces the floor.
Raquel now enters from hall/front door loaded down with
two large shopping bags filled with groceries.
Albert
Raquel! Where have you been?
Raquel
(Indicating bags)
I've been to Royal Ascot for
the day! Where d'you think
I've been?
Albert
Cassandra phoned about an
hour ago. She's spoken with
Rodney.
Raquel
She spoke to him? Well, where
are they? What happened?
Albert
They've been staying at some
millionaire's mansion. A
tropical storm knocked all
the phones out, that's why
they couldn't call.
Raquel
Well when are they coming
home?
Albert
They catch their plane
tomorrow. The main thing
is, you can stop worrying.
They're both safe and
sound.
EXT. DAY. MIAMI. THE EVERGLADES.
We see Del and Rodney struggling through the under-
growth.
EXT. DAY. THE EVERGLADES.
We see the Mafia and their guns struggling through
another part of undergrowth.
EXT. DAY. THE EVERGLADES.
In the background we see the forest leading down to
what appears to be a grassy clearing.
The camera is positioned low and the foreground
appears to be solid ground. This is in fact the Ever-
glades flora which grows on the water.
We see Del and Rodney running out of forest towards
the clearing.
As Del steps onto the 'solid' flora he sinks into the
water up to his waist.
Del
Come on, Rodney. Where's your
stamina?
Del into water.
Del
(Cont'd)
Bloody hell! Help me out of
here, Rodney.
Rodney
Come here!
Rodney helps Del out.
Del
I can't!
Rodney
Careful!
Del
Gordon Bennett!
(Referring to
the flora)
What the 'ell is this stuff
anyway?
Rodney
I think it's water hyacinth.
I've just been reading about
it in my Greenpeace
magazine.
Del
Well, what's it doing there
- floating about on the
water?
Rodney
That's what it does. It
grows on the water. Here, we
must be in the Everglades.
Del
Everglades? Looks more like
a swamp to me!
Rodney
Well it is a s... don't
matter.
Del
Oh Rodney, just get me home,
will you? Back to England's
green and pleasant land and
those dark volcanic mills.
Rodney
(Reacting to
'volcanic mills')
Yeah! Oh look, Del, let's
have a rest, eh? I think
we're safe enough. Nobody
could find us in here...
A fearful reaction from Rodney.
Del
Look at me. Look! My hands
are all bleeding - me
clothes are torn, me arse
is soaking wet!
Rodney
And you're still whining!
Del
Yes, it's alright for you,
innit, eh? If I get piles
you can have half of 'em!
There is now a sulky silence. As we watch them sulking
we see an alligator crawling past about twelve feet
behind them.
Rodney, hearing a rustling behind him, turns and faces
the gator. Rodney is frozen.
He now turns slowly back to face the water. Rodney now
considers his next move for a couple of seconds.
Rodney
(Quietly)
Del Boy.
Del
Oh, shuddup, Rodney,
you're getting on my nerves.
Rodney
I want you to do something
for me, Derek. I want you
to stand up and very
slowly walk away.
Del
What is this? Simple Simon
Says?
Rodney
Very slowly walk away, Del.
We don't want to alarm it.
Del
Alarm what?
Rodney
That thing behind us.
Del looks behind and reacts.
Del
That thing? Get out of here!
Del leaps and runs for his life. Rodney follows.
EXT. DAY. ANOTHER PART OF THE EVERGLADES.
Del and Rodney run into shot and then stop.
Del
(Fighting for
breath)
That was a bloody crocodile,
Rodney!
Rodney
No, it weren't a crocodile!
Del
I know a crocodile when I
come face to face with one!
I've seen enough Tarzan
films.
Rodney
That was an alligator!
Del
It's the same thing, innit?
Rodney
No, no it's not! I mean, they
may look alike and they are
from the same family, but
biologically...
Del
(Cutting in)
Do they eat you?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Well it's the same thing
then, innit? I mean, who the
hell let it out?
Rodney
No, no, they live here in
the Everglades.
Del
They? D'you mean to say
there's more than one of em?
Rodney
Yeah! But don't panic. It's
very rare to see them
during the daylight 'cos
they're normally a nocturnal
animal.
Del
Nocturnal! Are you tryin' to
tell me that come teatime
there'll be millions of the
gits?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
I don't believe this! I just
don't believe it! I've gotta
be honest with you, Rodney.
All in all I'm beginning to
wish that I hadn't come on
this holiday with you!
Rodney
Well, don't you blame me! I
did not invite you, Derek -
you invited yourself!
Del
(Hearing something)
Listen! Listen to that!
We hear the sound of a distant boat engine.
Rodney
It's a boat! It's a boat, my
son! We're saved.
Rodney is about to move forward when Del drags him
down.
Del
Get down, Rodney, get down!
It could be the Mafia!
Rodney
What would they be doing on
a boat?
Del
Water skiing! What d'you
think?
We now see a hire-boat appear.
EXT. DAY. HIREBOAT/EVERGLADES.
Now we hear a familiar voice.
Boycie
Look, Marlene, an eagle!
Marlene
It's not an eagle, it's a
heron.
Boycie
Well, it's a big bird anyway!
Tyler now points into the undergrowth.
Tyler
Look, it's Uncle Rodney!
Marlene
Listen to him. Uncle Rodney.
The imagination these kids
have.
Boycie
Yeah. Right, let's take some
photographs.
Boycie begins snapping away. We see his shots (frozen
as in photograph) and we hear the camera shutter:
An alligator. A turtle.
Del's face looking through the undergrowth.
A heron.
Now Boycie reacts.
Boycie
Marlene... You know just...
Boycie chuckles at the silliness of his next statement.
Boycie
(Cont'd)
For a moment there I thought
I saw... Gordon Bennett!
We see Del and Rodney standing in the undergrowth.
Marlene
It's Del and Rodney! Ooh,
ooh, Del!
Del
(Calls)
Boycie!
Rodney
Get over here! Quick!
Boycie
What in God's name, are you
doing here?
Del
I forgot to kiss you goodbye
at the Gatwick! Get that
boat over here. Quick!
Boycie
Wayne - get over there.
The boat crosses the water.
Marlene
You alright, Del?
Del
T'riffic, sweetheart.
Del and Rodney clamber aboard.
Del
Come on, Rodders! Let's go,
let's go!
Boycie
(To Del)
Good God, you smell like a
vegetarian's fart!
Del
At least my house hasn't got
burgled!
Boycie has wiped the smile from his face.
Boycie
What??
Rodney
It's a joke, a joke!! Right,
now let's get going!
Boycie
Right, Wayne. Let's go!
The boat begins to roar away from us. Now we see the
Mafia on the shore line. Rico grabs a gun (a hunting
rifle) from someone.
Sal
Rico, as your lawyer, I am
asking you to consider your
actions carefully before
you do anything you may
regret.
Rico
OK, I'll consider it!
Rico brings the gun up to eye line.
Del
Everyone, duck!
Boycie
Why?
We hear a gunshot and a bullet whistles over their
heads.
Del
That!
Boycie
Get a bloody move on, Wayne!
EXT. DAY. EVERGLADES. JETTY AND TOURIST AREA OF PARK.
We see two armed rangers step out of their office upon
hearing the gunshot.
1st Ranger
Did you hear that, Curtis?
There's some jerk out there
loosing off lead! Come on.
The two rangers run to their boat.
As they do we see Del, Rodney, Boycie and Marlene
pulling into shore in their boat. They climb ashore
obviously shaken by their experience.
Boyce comes ashore moaning as they walk towards shops,
etc.
Boycie
Everything was going well!
We were having a lovely
holiday...
Marlene
(Cutting in)
Shuddup moaning.
Boycie
And then they turn up! And
within fifteen seconds some
sod's shooting at us!
Marlene
You've done nothing but
moan ever since we left
Washington!
Boycie
Get that bloody boat in for
God's sake!
As Del passes the empty ranger's office he remembers
the paperwork Vasquez gave him.
Del
Rodney, hang about a minute.
He takes the crumpled and wet paperwork from his back
pocket and places it on the door.
Del
(Cont'd)
Rodney, let's go home.
Rodney
Del, our plane doesn't leave
till tomorrow night.
Del
I know but we can sleep at
the airport. At least we'll
be that much closer to dear
old England. Give us a lift
to the airport, will you,
Boycie?
INT. NIGHT. AN AIRLINE CABIN.
The film/video screen is down and the passengers are
watching news from America.
Newsreader
Last night coast guards from
Biscayne Cove boarded a
Columbian yacht and discover-
ed seventeen tons of cocaine.
Also on board the yacht was
the wanted drug baron,
Alberto Vasquez. He was taken
to Miami police central where
he is being questioned by FBI
agents. The tip-off for the
drug bust came when details
of the delivery where left in
the Florida park ranger's
office. But the big story
today - in Miami Superior
Court Don Vincenzo Occhetti,
head of the most powerful
Mafia family in America, was
found guilty of kidnap, drug-
running and three counts
of conspiracy to commit
murder. He was given six life
sentences to run concurrent-
ly. His son, Ricardo
Occhetti, was arrested
yesterday for illegally
hunting in the Everglade
National Park and for
possessing an unlicensed
firearm. Police are now
looking for two Australians
who may be able to assist them
in this matter.
During all this news we pan down the aisle of the
plane. As we near the end we can see some of the
passengers reacting to a violent smell.
We now find Del and Rodney asleep and snoring and still
wearing the ripped and dirty clothes of yesterday.
INT. DAY. PECKHAM. THE TROTTERS' FLAT.
We are in the hall and facing the front door.
The door bell rings.
Raquel opens the door to Del and Rodney, who are
unshaven and filthy.
Nothing is said.
Del and Rodney force painful smiles and Raquel now
gestures them inside.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Raquel enters followed by Del and Rodney. Del and
Rodney stop and react horrified.
We now see the lounge is filled to the brim with what
looks like seven hundred cases of Romanian Riesling.
The vicar is sitting on one of the cases.
Albert
(Glad to see
them back)
Welcome home, boys!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2006 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts / Deborah A. Leigh - Virginia. U.S.A.