INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
Four carrier bags filled with groceries are in the room.
Albert, wearing ancient Royal Navy blue shorts and white
vest, is on the phone. As Albert speaks, Del enters from
the kitchen and picks up a couple of the bags.
Albert
(On phone, breathing
heavily)
Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit
out of breath. I've been
doing me physical jerks.
Del
Oi, Gazza. Don't you tell
her Rodney's still in bed
sleeping off another
hangover.
Albert
(His hand over
the mouthpiece)
What d'you take me for,
eh?
Del
Give me five minutes, I'll
write out a list!
Albert
(On phone)
Alright, Cassandra. I'll
tell Rodney you called as
soon as he gets up.
Del
I don't believe him!
Albert
(On phone)
I mean in!
As Del exits to the kitchen, Raquel enters from the
kitchen and picks up one of the bags. Raquel is now
seven months pregnant.
Raquel
Tell Cassandra I'll phone
her later. I've gotta get
this stuff in the freezer.
As Raquel picks up the bag she holds her back as if feel-
ing a twinge.
Albert
(On phone)
Raquel says she'll call you
later. Oh she's fine. I
mean, women like being
pregnant, don't they?
Del enters for the final bag.
Albert
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
And how you keeping, love?
Good. Me? Oh I'm alright,
dear. I've joined the over-
sixties club on the estate.
Given me a new lease of
life, it has... Eh? Well,
yes, there are women there,
but I'm not interested in
all that.
Del
No, like a squirrel ain't
interested in nuts!
Del exits to the kitchen.
Albert
(On phone)
I used to be a bit of a
Casanova in my younger days.
I could tell you a tale or
two, Cassandra! During the
war... Eh? There's someone
at your door, is there? Yes,
bye for now, Cassandra. Bye,
love.
Albert switches the phone off
He now looks into the mirror as he brushes his beard. He
talks to the mirror and the phantom Mrs Lane
Albert
Mrs Lane - or may I call
you Dora? Could I have the
pleasure of this next dance?
Albert begins dancing with an imaginary partner.
Rodney appears at the door from the bedroom. He wears
pyjamas and dressing gown and is bleary-eyes and hung-
over.
Rodney
(At Albert's
appearance)
Oh God!
Albert
What time d'you call this,
Rodney?
Rodney
I call it 11.30, Unc. What
time d'you call it?
Albert
It's disgusting. A young
man of your age getting up
at 11.30 in the morning.
Yer brother was up and out
of here at 7.00. Then he
came back and took Raquel
shopping.
Rodney
Yes, because Derek has got
work and money-earning
opportunities. And he's got
a woman in his life! What
about me, eh? I've got no
job to go to and no wife to
say good morning to.
Albert
You might feel a bit more
chirpy if you didn’t wake up
with a hangover every
morning!
Rodney
I have not got...
This pains Rodney's head. Now quieter and more controlled.
Rodney
I have not got a hangover!
I'm fine! There's nothing
wrong with me.
Albert
Cassandra phoned. Just
wanted to know how you
were.
Rodney
(Panic)
You didn't tell her, did
you?
Albert
No, I said you was alright.
She wants your cheque
towards the mortgage.
Rodney
Yeah, I'll... er... I'll
sort it out.
Rodney exits to the kitchen, where he finds Del waiting
for him.
Rodney
Morning.
Raquel
Morning, Rodney.
Del
(To Raquel, but
looking at Rodney)
That reminds me, sweetheart.
The video shop's got
Nightmare On Elm Street in.
Rodney, in his embarrassment tries to change the subject.
Rodney
Albert's been talking to
Cassandra. She just phoned
to see how I was.
Raquel
He didn't tell her, did he?
Rodney
No, he said I was all...
What d'you mean, he
didn't...
Rodney is interrupted by Raquel who gets a twinge in her
back.
Raquel
Ooh!
Del
(Panicking)
You alright, sweetheart?
Raquel
Yeah, I'm OK. Just a bit of
backache, that's all. It
happens every time we go
out in your van. It's just
not very comfortable,
specially in my condition.
I'm fine now.
Del
You go and have a sit down.
I'll put the shopping away.
That's an order!
Raquel
Aye, aye, sir. Don't forget
to deliver our birthday
present.
Rodney
Whose birthday is it?
Del
Boycie's kid.
(To Raquel)
I'll give him a bell.
Raquel exits to the lounge.
Del
See, that van wasn't
designed for pregnant women
with shopping. And she's
getting bigger by the day.
She's just been banned from
the Body Shop. If I could
just get the engine running
a bit smoother, that might
help.
Rodney
I've told you, they stopped
making spare parts for your
van years ago. I've tried
everywhere - breakers'
yards, spares shops,
archaeologists.
Del
Talking of archaeologists,
you look like you've just
been dug up from somewhere.
What are you doing to
yourself, Rodney? Why don't
you take a leaf out of
your uncle's book. Look at
him in there. He's joined
the over-sixties club and
he's like a born-again
teddy boy.
Rodney
You're not suggesting I
join the over-sixties club?
Del
No. I think you'd be too
old for 'em.
Del exits to the lounge, leaving Rodney to ponder his
words. As Del enters, Raquel is seated, reading the local
newspaper, The Peckham Echo. Accompanied by a photo of
the Trotters' estate is a headline: "Muggers strike again
on estate of fear".
Raquel
There's been another mug-
ging on the estate.
Rodney
You don't want to believe
all you read, Raquel. These
things are usually
exaggerated.
Del
Yeah, it's a rumour put
about by the 45 victims. If
I had my way I'd hang 'em
from the nearest lamppost.
Rodney
It's almost the 21st
century and he still wants
to hang 'em up by the neck.
INT. BOYCIE'S SALES OFFICE/TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The phone is ringing. Boycie enters it and answers it.
During this telephone conversation one of his mechanics
enters and searches the key rack.
Boycie
(On phone, with
that modern sales
enthusiasm)
Thank you for calling Boyce
Auto Sales and Car
Accessories. How can I help
you?
(Now deflated)
Oh it's you Marlene! Yes,
I'm going to get Tiler's
birthday present in a
minute! Marlene, I'm
trying to run a business
here. If you remember, I
sell quality sed cars!
Mechanic
D'you want me to take that
old banger down the scrap-
yard?
Boycie
(With hand over
mouthpiece)
If they'll take it!
Mechanic
I'll get my coat.
The mechanic exits.
Boycie
(On phone)
A baby grand? Yes, of course
I want him to be cultured,
but for Gawd's sake,
Marlene, he's only one! I
don't give a toss what
Beethoven could do when he
was three! Tiler should
start off in a smaller way.
Leave it to me, Marlene.
I'll surprise you.
(Replaces receiver)
Where can I get a mouth
organ from?
The phone starts ringing again.
Boycie
(The same sales
enthusiasm)
Thank you for calling
Boyce Auto Sales and Car
Accessories. How can I help
you?
(Now deflated)
Oh, it's you Del Boy! How's
your luck?
Cut to Trotters' lounge.
Rodney enters from his bedroom on his way to the kitchen.
Del
Never been better. I've got
so much business going on
there ain't enough hours
in the day. I'm thinking of
taking on staff.
Rodney
Yeah, 'taking on' being the
operative phrase!
Del
Do something useful with
yourself, Rodney. Go back
to bed, son!
(On phone)
Listen, we've got a birth-
day present for the ankle-
biter.
Cuts to Boycie's office.
Boycie
Cheers, Del. We're having
a little celebration. Just
a few close and dear
friends. I s'pose you and
your family could come
along as well if you like.
Del
Oh very kind of you. Here,
d'you reckon one of your
mechanics could take a
look at my van?
Boycie
I know just the bloke. He
suffered a family bereave-
ment recently and could do
with a good laugh. Sorry,
Del. I just thought it was
time you got yourself
something more powerful.
Del
Such as?
Boycie
I don't know. A food mixer?
Del
Listen. My old van does
everything I want it to do.
Boycie
Keep the van for business.
I'm talking about a second
car. I've been hearing
about all this crime that
has been taking place on
your estate. Now wouldn't
it be safer for your Raquel
to be driving rather than
walking?
Del
I think you've got a point
there Boycie.
Boycie
You need something that
suits your image. I've got
a lovely Skoda out in the
showroom. Two years old,
8,000 miles on the clock,
genuine. You can have it
for two and a half grand.
Del
Two and an 'arf! That's a
teeny bit out of my price
range.
Boycie
What is your price range?
Del
About 400 quid.
Boycie
400? You can't get a walking
frame for 400!
Boycie checks a couple of logbooks lying on the table.
Boycie
(Cont'd)
Wait a minute. Your luck
could be in, Del. I had a
cracking little sports coupe
come in as a part chop on a
Honda Prelude. Beautiful
bodywork, sound engine, a
really nice runner. It just
need a bit of a clean-up,
that's all. I was looking
for a grand. But, seeing as
it's my son's birthday and
you're a mate, I'll let it
go for 400.
Del
Cushty! I'll come down and
have a butcher's. See you
later.
The mechanic, now wearing a coat, enters Boycie's office.
Mechanic
(To Boycie)
I'm off to the scrappers,
then. Are these the keys?
As the mechanic goes to pick up the keys from the desk,
Boycie snatches them away from him.
Boycie
There's been a change of
plan!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
Rodney is reading The Peckham Echo article. Albert
enters from his bedroom. He is wearing a natty three-
piece navy-blue pinstripe suit, with a gold pocket watch
and chain, and a beautifully ironed shirt and tie.
Albert
What d'you think, Rodney?
Rodney
Er... I dunno!
Albert is now talking to himself in the mirror.
Albert
She'll be putty in my hands.
A jubilant Del enters from the hall, followed by an ashen
-faced Raquel.
Del
Guess what? I've bought a
new car! Cor blimey,
Albert! For a moment there
I thought it was Simon Le
Bon! What are you all
dressed up for?
Albert
(Checks his gold
watch)
I'm playing the over-sixties
domino final against old
Knock-Knock at the Nag's
Head later. So you've got a
new car?
Del
It's a little cracker.
Raquel's just driven it
back. It's a beauty, innit,
sweetheart?
Raquel is very unconvinced. She seems in a state of
shock.
Raquel
Yeah!
Albert
D'you wanna cup of tea,
love?
Raquel
Yeah, I need something,
Albert!
Rodney
So you're a two-car family
now, then! Well, one car
and a three-wheel van.
Del
Which is one car and three-
wheel van more than you've
got! Or are ever likely to
have!
Rodney
I wouldn't be so sure about
that, Derek. There's bound
to be a job in here for me
somewhere.
Albert
You'll have to come up with
a good excuse before you
get a job, son. I mean, how
you gonna explain away the
10 years when you was Del's
partner?
Raquel
Albert's got a good point,
Rodney. In all those 10
years you weren't
registered for income tax,
national insurance or... or
anything! Your work record
shows that you left school
at 16 and promptly
disappeared off the face of
the earth.
Rodney
I've thought about that.
I'm gonna say I was working
for a foreign oil company
in Saudi Arabia.
Del
What, straight from school?
One minute you're a milk-
monitor, the next a petro-
chemist? No, it won't wash,
bruv.
Raquel
Couldn't you say you'd been
on safari?
Rodney
Safari? For a whole decade?
Albert
You could say you got lost.
Raquel
A friend of mine went out
with a guy who'd spent 12
years working for a safari
company in Kenya.
Rodney
That's stupid, Raquel!
Del
Well, it's better than your
paper-round-in-Arabia
cobblers!
Albert
Have you ever thought about
joining the navy?
Rodney
Well, funnily enough, Unc,
no! How could I join the
navy!
Del
Exactly. In the old days
they'd take anyone - well,
they took you! But nowadays
you've gotta have a cotchel
of qualifications. What
chance would Lawrence of
Peckham stand?
Albert
I don't mean in the Royal
Navy. I was talking about
the merchant. Just imagine
it, Rodney. Monday, you sail
out of Southampton Water.
Tuesday, you're through the
Bay of Biscay. Wednesday,
you've rounded Cape St
Vincent. Thursday, you dock
in Algiers...
Del
(Cutting in)
And Friday it's your turn
in the barrel!
Rodney
Eh?
Albert
There was nothing like that
on my vessels! A few funny
ones but nothing like that!
So what d'you reckon,
Rodney?
Rodney
If it's all the same with
you, Unc, I'll take a
raincheck on this one.
Albert
You don't know what you're
missing.
Rodney
Suits me! I've been think-
ing, Del. Trotters
Independent Traders has
been going through a period
of commercial augmentation.
Del
No, I've been doing alright,
Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah... I mean, you're a
property developer now.
Well, you've bought this
flat off the council.
Albert
He's hardly developed it!
Raquel
He put the new toilet-roll
holder up. The musical one.
Rodney
There you are, then! You've
got your direct retail sales
branch, your property
division and now there's the
theatrical agency side to
the business. So I was
thinking, things must be
pretty hectic for you on the
old business front?
Del
You're not kidding. It's
one power breakfast after
another.
Rodney
Yeah. It ain't all champagne
and backgammon for you
yuppies, is it? I heard you
say earlier that you were
thinking of taking on staff.
So, seeing as I am
temporarily between
positions - and if the
conditions are acceptable -
I am willing to work for
you.
Del
No way, Pedro!
Rodney
Look, I've g... No way,
Pedro?
Del
I don't need you, Rodders.
Rodney
I could be very useful to
you during this period of
growth!
Del
How?
Rodney
Eh? Er... well... I'm a
good salesman.
Del
Do me a favour, Rodney, you
couldn't flog a black cat
to a witch.
Rodney
Ah, but now I've got
managerial experience.
Del
Na.
Rodney
I could computerise your
entire business!
Del
Na.
Rodney
I have got executive quali-
fications.
Del
Na.
Rodney
Can you lend us a fiver,
then?
Raquel
A fiver? I didn't realise
things were that bad,
Rodney.
Rodney
I've had no money coming in
since I resigned from
Alan's printing works and
I've still gotta pay half
the mortgage on me and
Cassandra's flat. It's
skinted me. I've had to take
out an overdraft at the
bank.
Raquel
You mean you're borrowing
money to pay off your loan?
Rodney is embarrassed and angry at the truth.
Rodney
Yes!
Del
And you wanna come back as
my financial advisor?
Rodney
I'll come back as anything!
Look, I know your trading
methods, I'm experienced
in this line of business
and working for you would
be marginally better than
being on the dole or in the
barrel!
Raquel
Something tells me this is
not thee best job
interview you've ever
given, Rodney.
Rodney
I'm desperate, ain't I?
Del
Alright then, you can have
a job with Trotters
Independent Traders - plc.
Rodney immediately tries to regain his composure.
Rodney
Fine... And what kind of
wage structure can I
expect?
Del
Wage structure? The same as
before.
Rodney
Good! What was that, then?
Del
How the hell should I know?
Look, if I've got it on the
hip I'll pay you.
Rodney
And what title will I have?
Del
We'll call you Lord Rodney.
Rodney
I mean, company title! See,
I thought I could be your
new director of commercial
development.
Del
Yeah, sounds good to me.
Now, as the Bible says,
'Clothes maketh the man.'
The first thing I want you
to do is whip round to your
flat a bit lively.
Rodney
And get my best suit?
Del
No, get your car-cleaning
gear.
EXT. THE GARAGE BLOCK OF THE TROTTERS' ESTATE. DAY.
Del
There y'are then, what
d'you reckon?
Del's 'new' car is a 1977 Ford Capri. It was originally
light green, but through years of neglect the paintwork
has become totally matt in appearance. There is no shine
to it whatsoever, the windows are dirty and a couple of
hubcaps and the front bumper are missing.
The car is parked outside Del's garage, which has the
doors up and open. Inside the garage we can see evidence
of Del's trading stock - a chest-type deep freezer with
an old washing machine on top of it, a couple of decent-
looking hovermowers, etc.
Rodney
(Referring to the
car)
Is that it?
Del
Yeah! How much d'you reckon
I paid Boycie for it?
Rodney
He charged you for it?
Del
I stole it off him, Rodders.
400 nicker. It's a peach -
handles better than
Maradona. Only had one owner
- Peckham car rentals.
Rodney laughs, believing this to be a change to the old
Hertz van rental joke.
Del meant it and doesn't understand Rodney's laughter.
Del
What?
Rodney
I thought you were jo...
Don't matter! Look at the
paintwork! It's got no shine
to it! I've never seen a car
with a matt finish before!
Del
That's just ground-in dirt.
It's been a bit neglected
over the years. A little bit
of attention and elbow-
grease and I'll have it
gleaming.
Rodney
Well, you've got more faith
than me, Del.
Del
That'll look brand new by
the time I've finished with
it. Now listen, Rodney.
There's something I wanted
to talk to you about. It's a
bit embarrassing, really. If
you don't like the idea just
say so, I'll understand.
Rodney
I'm not cleaning it!
Del
You bloody are!
Rodney
Oh no! The days when you
got me to do all your
dirty work are long gone!
I used to run my own
computer section! I was an
executive!
Del
And now you're cleaning my
Capri Ghia! Bear in mind,
Rodney, you are now my
employee!
Rodney
Look, when I finally gave
in to all your persuasion
and accepted the job with
Trotters Independent
Traders, I assumed my role
would be in a managerial
capacity. Helping with
buying and selling.
Del
You will be helping us buy
and sell! You see, it's all
about image, Rodney.
(Indicates car)
And this is my image!
Rodney
(Studies car)
Yeah, can't argue with that
one, Del!
Del
And also remember, that
since you walked out on
Cassandra and your job, you
have been sleeping and
eating at my flat for nix!
Now I'm perfectly willing
to accept your resignation.
I'll help you find a nice
little bedsit. I'll even
give you a paraffin heater
and a mousetrap as a
leaving present.
Rodney
Alright, I'll clean it!
Del
Now are you sure about
that?
Rodney
Yes!
Del
Well, that's very nice of
you. I'm grateful.
Del produces a cardboard box filled with car-cleaning
material from the garage.
Del
There you go. You'll find
everything you need in
there.
Rodney
I'll never be able to get
all this grime off it!
Del
Of course you will! Giss it
here.
Del takes a tin of compound and a couple of rags from
the box. He rubs some compound on the rag.
Del
You use compound to begin
with.
He rubs the compound vigourously into the car's bodywork
in a two to three-inch circle. Then he rubs it off with a
clean rag.
Del
Now a bit of T-cut.
He pours some T-cut on a rag and rubs that into the small
circle. He rubs it off with a clean rag.
Del
Cushty... Little bit of
polish.
He pours some polish on to the rag and rubs that into the
small circle. He rubs it off with a clean rag.
Del
Lovely Jubbly... And last,
but not least, a drop of
sealer.
He pours some sealer on to the rag and rubs it into the
circle. He rubs it off with a clean rag.
Del
Voila!
We see, in among all the square metres of grime and dull-
ness, a tiny oasis of shining paintwork.
Del
Now just do that to the
rest!
Rodney is left open-mouthed.
Del
(Checks watch)
Lunchtime already?! Have
fun.
Del moves towards the three-wheeled van, singing.
Del
Ever since I was a young
boy I've played the silver
ball.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
The pub is crowded and noisy. Albert is seated at a table
with a group from his over-sixties club, including
Albert's friend Knock-Knock (about the same age as
Albert) and a couple of other old boys, playing dominoes.
Watching them play are three 68-year-old-groupies,
including Dora. She is smartly dressed and has blue-
rinsed hair. She is also Marlene's mum. At another table,
swilling pints and making a lot of noise, sit five
scruffy bikers in their mid-twenties. The leader of this
gang is Ollie. Standing around the jukebox are five
skinheads, also in their mid-twenties. Del, Raquel,
Boycie, Trigger and Marlene are standing at the bar.
Mike is behind the bar.
Del
(Referring to
Albert and the
over-sixties
group)
Look at that lot, eh? It
looks like the Tetley Tea
folks' day out.
Marlene
Albert's looking very smart.
He must be after one of the
ladies.
Mike
I wonder if it's old Lil
with the 'airy wart? Or is
it the Widow Manky? Her
with the disposable teeth.
Raquel
You should have more
respect.
Mike
Those women went through a
war for us.
Boycie
Yeah, you can still see the
bomb damage on some of 'em.
Marlene
Ah, it'd be lovely if Albert
could meet a nice old lady
to keep him company. D'you
know who he's after?
Raquel
Yeah. Your mum.
Marlene
My mum!
Del
Yeah, him and his mate are
both after sorting her
out.
Marlene
I'm not having this!
Mike
No, but if your mum plays
her cards right!
Del, Mike and Boycie laugh at this. Raquel tries to hide
her laugh.
Marlene
(Calls)
Mum! I want a word with you!
Dora
Yeah, alright, Marlene, talk
to you in a minute.
Albert
Can I get you a drink, Dora?
You don't mind me calling
you Dora, do you, Dora?
Dora
Of course I don't mind -
Albert.
Knock-Knock
I just got Dora a drink.
Albert
Why'd you let Knock-Knock
buy you a drink? It was my
turn.
Dora
You can buy me a drink in a
minute.
Albert
Yeah, alright.
As Albert sits and takes up his dominoes, he and Knock-
Knock look venomously.
Trigger
How'd the kid's birthday
party go?
Boycie
It was a great success,
Trigger. We had all the
right people there, and Del
and Albert turned up.
Del
Right, what is it, same
again? Mike!
(Referring to the
skinheads)
Who're the morons from outer
space?
Mike
Dunno, Del. They've been
using the pub for a couple
of weeks now.
Del
(Suspicious of
the group)
Yeah, I didn't think they
were regulars.
Mike
But, like I say, I don't
know anything about them.
They're most probably play-
mates of the mongrels.
Mike indicates Ollie and co.
Del
Yeah...
(Calls)
Ollie! Oi, Ollie! Over here,
son.
Ollie joins him at the bar.
Ollie
What you want, Del?
Del
The little gang over by the
jukebox. Know anything about
'em?
Ollie
They started coming in here
about a fortnight ago.
Del
You ever seen 'em hanging
round the estate at night?
Ollie
Yeah, couple of times. D'you
want me and the boys to beat
'em up?
Del
No, no!
Mike
Oi, I don't want no trouble
in this pub!
Ollie
And you ain't gonna get none,
guv'nor, unless you wanna
start it!
Del
Oi, oi, pack it in, will you?
Go 'n, Ollie, sit yerself
down. I'll send you and the
boys a drink over.
Marlene is at the dominoes table.
Marlene
What you drinking, Albert?
Albert
I'll have a large navy rum,
dear.
(So the old ladies
can hear)
Puts lead in yer pencil!
The old ladies squeal at his sauciness.
Marlene
Well, there's a thing.
Albert
Get old Knock-Knock a drink,
will you, love?
Knock-Knock
I'll have a pint of ordin-
ary. dear.
Marlene
(Quietly to Albert)
Why'd they call him Knock-
Knock?
Knock-Knock knocks his domino on the table twice, a sign
that you cannot continue the player.
Albert
It's because he's a very bad
dominoes player!
Knock-Knock
I'm a better player than
you, Trotter!
Albert
You've never beaten me at
dominoes in all your life.
Knock-Knock
I can beat you at anything.
Even when we was at school
I could beat you at
anything!
Marlene
Now, come on boys, start
acting like grown-ups!
D'you wanna drink, Mum?
Dora
I'm alright, Marlene. Knock
-Knock bought me one just
now.
Trigger
I had to laugh to myself
tonight, Del.
Del
Did you, Trig?
Trigger
Yeah.
A pause.
Del
Why, did something happen?
Trigger
I was walking across the
estate - past the garage
block. It was half-pat seven
at night, pitch-black, and
there's Dave polishing the
old banger!
Trigger laughs. Del laughs.
Del
It takes all ki...
(Reacts to Raquel)
Oh Gawd! I forgot about my
director of commercial
development!
Raquel
You left him cleaning your
car at night?
Del
I forgot he was working for
me!
Mike
What's Albert and Knock-
Knock playing at?
Marlene
Dunno, looks like Ninja
dominoes.
Mike
What you having, Boyce?
Marlene
Give him a large navy rum.
A seething Rodney enters, his clothes smeared with grease
and polish.
Rodney
Look at my clothes!
Del
I told you to wear your
car-cleaning gear.
Rodney
A director of commercial
development does not wear
Doc Martens and stonewashed
Wranglers!
Del
When he's cleaning his
guv'nor's Capri he does!
Rodney
And I got Swarfega in me
eye!
Raquel
Your finger's bleeding,
Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, that happened when me
hand went straight through
the bodywork! I'm bleeding,
see! There's blood! Oh
yeah. Mike, you got a
plaster?
Del
Oi, what d'you mean, your
hand went straight through
the bodywork?
Rodney
There's a big rust hole in
the wing. Boycie's blokes
had stuffed it full of
newspapers and body-filler
and sprayed over it.
Boycie
That is slanderous, Rodney.
That must have happened
before I took possession
of the vehicle!
Rodney
They were yesterday's news-
papers!
Boycie
Look, you took the car as
seen! I don't owe you no
favours.
Mike
That's a bit unfair, innit,
Boycie? Look at that 36-
piece tea service he sold
Marlene last month!
Boycie
Yeah, that came in very
handy. I gave it to the Boy
Scouts' fete for their
rifle range.
Mike
That was genuine Dresden!
Del
It was genuine antique
Dresden!
Trigger
And it was guaranteed
dishwasher-proof!
Raquel
(Takes plaster
from Mike)
I'll do it for you, Rodney.
She places the plaster on his finger.
Rodney
I don't believe him some-
times! I don't know how he
can ask me - with my
executive training - to go
round to the garage block
and clean the Pratmobile!
Raquel
Don't let Del hear you call
it that!
Boycie
I remember a few years back
when I had that important
client coming over from
Belgium and I was trying to
get tickets to Wimbledon to
impress him. You said,
"Leave it to me Boycie, I
gotta contact at
Wimbledon".
Del
I got you two tickets!
Boycie
That's right! They drew nil
-nil with Ipswich! That
makes us even!
Del
No way, Pedro!
Rodney
I'll see you later. I'm
going round Jevon's.
Raquel
Del, my back's aching.
Del
D'you wanna go home, sweet-
heart? I've had enough of
this lot, anyway. You've
got a choice of vehicles
tonight, sweetheart. D'you
wanna go in the van or the
Capri?
Raquel
Can we walk?
Del
Of course. Well, bonjour to
you all.
Del and Raquel exit.
Albert
What would you like, Dora?
How about a large snowball?
Mike, a large snowball for
Dora, please.
As Albert produces a wad of fivers we see a couple of
the skinheads looking across at his money.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Two hours later. Raquel, now wearing night attire, is
seated on the settee watching TV.
Del enters from the bedroom wearing pyjamas and dressing
gown.
Del is relieved at getting his suit and shoes off.
Del
That's better. You alright,
darling?
Raquel
Yeah, I'm fine now.
Del
Cushty. I'll pick my Capri
Ghia up in the morning. My
director of commercial
development can drive the
van back.
Raquel
Del, I don't wanna nag.
Del
Good. Shall I put a record
on?
Raquel
Can we afford to splash out
four hundred pounds on
another car? I mean, do we
need another car?
Del
Yes, we do! You see...
Raquel
Look, just because the van
gives me backache was no
reason for you to buy
another car!
Del
But listen to me. The
reason I'm...
Raquel
(Cutting in)
It's a waste of money. You
do realise we've got a
baby on the way, don't
you?
Del
Yes, little things remind
me. Will you just shut up
for a minute! It's becoming
a dangerous cold world out
there, Raquel. And I
didn't want you walking
down the shops or the
launderette. I want you to
drive there. So you'll be
safe and sound. D'you see
what I mean?
Raquel
Is that why you bought it?
Del
Yeah.
Raquel
Mmh
(Kissing him)
I love you, Trotter.
Del
Of course you do. You're
only human.
They kiss jokingly.
Now they kiss again seriously.
Del is about to go in for the kill when he looks at her
lump.
Del
Fancy a cup of tea?
Rodney bursts through the front door.
Rodney
Del! It's Albert!
Del
Albert?? What about Albert?
Rodney
There's no need to panic,
OK?
Raquel
What's happened to Albert?
Rodney
He's been mugged!
Del
He's been what?
Raquel
Is he hurt?
Rodney
No, not badly. He's got a
bit of double vision,
that's all.
Del
Where's this happen, Rodney?
Rodney
Well, in his eyes.
Del
No, I mean...
Rodney
Oh sorry! As he was walking
home from the pub. I was
just coming back from
Jevon's and I saw this
ambulance and a crowd of
people standing around him.
Del
Did he get a good look at
'em?
Rodney
No. All he can remember is
there were four of 'em.
Look, they've taken him to
the hospital. Come on, I've
got the van downstairs.
Del and Rodney rush to the front door, closing the hall
door as they go. Then the hall door opens again and Del
rushes towards the bedroom.
Del
Dipstick. Rodney!
Rodney
(To Raquel)
He's just gonna put some
clothes on.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. THE FOLLOWING DAY.
Albert, in pyjamas and dressing gown, is laid out on the
settee. He has bruising around his eye and nose. He is
now a very unhappy, almost frightened, man who has lost
all confidence and is most probably suffering from shock.
Del and Rodney, wearing identical suits, are standing
over their stricken uncle. Rodney's shirt is unbuttoned
at the neck to reveal he is wearing a ingle gold chain.
Rodney
Look at him.
Del
Looks bloody horrible,
don't he?
Rodney
They said he could be
suffering from shock for
a few days.
Del
You wait 'til I get my
hands on the bastards what
done it. Then you'll see
what a state of shock
really looks like!
Raquel
Now, you stay out of it!
The police can handle this
perfectly well on their
own!
Del
I don't need the Old Bill!
The people round here have
always sorted their own
problems out. It's
traditional. I remember
years ago when I was about
ten. Mum had some of her
jewellery nicked by this
good-looking Italian bloke.
He weren't good looking by
the time Dad had finished
with him!
Rodney
But how could you be
certain he was guilty?
Del
Evidence, Rodney. Dad found
one of Mum's earrings on
the back seat of this
bloke's car!
Rodney and Albert look at each other. The doorbell rings.
This alarms Albert.
Rodney
It's alright, Unc. Just the
door.
Rodney exits to the hall and opens the door to Cassandra.
Cassandra
Hi.
Rodney
Oh, hi.
Cassandra
I just came round to see
how Albert was.
Rodney
He's not too good. Come in.
They enter the lounge.
Cassandra
I heard what happened to
Albert. How is he?
Del
He looks 'orrible. They
stole his pocket watch and
all his money.
Cassandra
Yeah, I know. How you
feeling, Albert?
Albert
A bit bruised, dear. I got
jumped on by five of 'em.
Del
Now don't go upsetting yours
... Five of 'em? Rodney,
d'you wanna make Cassandra a
cup of coffee in the
kitchen?
Rodney
Eh? Oh yeah. Shall we make
a cup of coffee?
Rodney and Cassandra exit to kitchen.
Cassandra
So you're working for Del
again?
Rodney
Yes. It wasn't an easy
decision. I had quite a few
offers from local companies
- you know what these head-
hunters are like.
Cassandra
Well, not really.
Rodney
Oh they won't take no for
an answer. But in the end
I plumped for Trotters
Independent Traders. It was
a mixture of family loyalty
and a career move. He asked
me to be his director of
commercial development.
Seek out new openings, find
gaps in the market.
Cassandra
And if the gap doesn't
exist, create one?
Rodney
Yeah, that sorta thing. So
I thought, that'll do me,
lovely Jubbly! It's
pressure all the way. I'm
never off that phone.
Cassandra
You've cut your finger!
Rodney
Yeah, Del got me to clean
his car yesterday and... I
just did it as a favour. I
don't know if you saw his
new car parked downstairs.
It's the green Pratmobile.
Cassandra
(Laughs)
Does he know you call it
that?
Rodney
No. I don't think he'd be
too pleased.
Cassandra
So things are going well?
Rodney
Yeah. We're into property
development, theatre...
Cassandra indicates the box of toilet rolls.
Cassandra
Toilet rolls.
Rodney
That's just... the retail
sales division. We've got
contacts in the City!
Cassandra
What, White City?
Cassandra laughs.
Rodney
There's no need to laugh
at us, Cass!
Cassandra
I'm not laughing at you!
I'm just trying to break
the ice!
Rodney
Oh... How's our flat?
Cassandra
Much the same as when you
left, Roddy. I wish I
could say the same about
you!
Rodney
What's that mean?
Cassandra
You've changed! You're
getting more like Del.
You're full of front and
bullshit, Roddy! You're
even wearing the same
clothes as Del.
Rodney
These suits happen to be a
new line we're selling.
They're Romanian. We wear
them to let the punter see
what they look like.
Cassandra
D'you think that's wise?
Rodney
We know our market,
Cassandra! And I am not
getting like Del!
Cassandra
You are, Rodney.
(Flicking his
gold chain)
Look, you're even wearing a
Del Boy starter kit!
Rodney
Del told me to wear this
because... Understand one
thing, Cass! I am not
getting like Del! No way,
Pedro!
Cassandra
No way, Pedro!
Rodney
Look, I'm very busy,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
Yeah, see you, Rodney.
Rodney
Look, I didn't men it like
that.
Cassandra
Goodbye!
Cassandra exits.
Rodney
I'll give you a bell during
the week.
(Quietly)
Shit!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
One week later. Albert is seated in the armchair, look-
ing through his old treasure chest of memories. He is
wearing pyjamas and a wool dressing gown. Raquel, in
night attire, is asleep on the settee.
The door from the hall opens suddenly and Del enters in
his dressing gown. Albert jumps with fear at Del's
entrance.
Del
It's only me, Unc! I've put
the security chain on. No
one can get in. You alright
now?
Albert
Yeah, I'm alright, boy.
Raquel
D'you fancy a coffee?
Del
No, you stay where you
are. Has he been out
today?
Raquel
No. He hasn't left the
flat for the last week -
well, ever since it
happened.
Del
Terrified, ain't he, poor
old git... What you up to,
Unc?
Albert
Just looking through me
old box.
(Shows Del a
photo)
See that? That's where I
was born. Tobacco Road,
down by the docks.
(Another photo)
That's the front of Tobacco
Road. There's yer nan -
there's your grandad. He'd
just joined the army, doing
his bit for king and
country.
Del
But he's wearing plimsolls
and a jumper.
Albert
Yeah, he'd just deserted.
Raquel
Albert, tomorrow, would you
like us to take you back to
where you were born?
Albert
(Sadly)
It's not there any more,
dear. They knocked it down.
That film you wanted to
watch is on soon.
Raquel
Oh thanks.
Del moves behind the bar and pours the drinks.
Del
What film's that?
Raquel
Out Of Africa.
Del
Not another documentary
about Aids?
Raquel
No, it's a film with Robert
Redford.
Albert
Did I ever tell you about
the time I was in Africa?
Del
(Under his breath)
About 3,000 times!
Raquel gives Del a glance which tells him to shut up.
Raquel
No. Why what happened, Unc?
Del
(Quietly)
During the war.
Albert
During the war I was on
this hospital ship. We'd
picked up some of the
wounded from Monty's North
Africa campaign and
dropped 'em off in Durban.
I helped carry some of
them lads off the ship. It
was tragic to see some of
'em, bloody tragic. I
cried for 'em... Daft,
eh?
Del
There's nothing wrong with
crying, Albert. I cried
when me mum died.
Albert
But you were only 16, Del.
I was a full-grown man.
Del
I shed a little tear when
Rodney got married and left
home... I cried even more
when he come back!
Albert
The most frightening thing
in all my life happened
while I was in Africa.
While we were docked at
Durban a couple of black
blokes asked me and some
of me mates if we wanted
to go out and see the
jungle. We jumped at the
chance. You're like that
when you're young, ain't
you?
Del
(Already getting
bored)
Oh yeah, we've all done it.
Albert
So off we all went on the
back of this open lorry.
Well, after a couple of
hours the undergrowth
started getting heavier and
heavier. We were deep in
the heart of the jungle.
There was swamps and
quicksand and everything.
Raquel is slightly asleep with boredom.
Raquel
Mmmmh.
Albert
In the end we had to get off
the lorry and start walking.
The lads were mucking about.
You know, making Tarzan
noises and all that.
Del eyes are closed and is operating on auto.
Del
Rascals.
Albert
Anyway, somehow or another I
got cut off from the rest of
the party and found meself
in this clearing. I just
just about to retrace me
steps when I heard a noise
behind me. I turned round
and standing there was the
biggest lion I've ever seen.
Raquel is now asleep. Del's eyes are closed and he is
just mumbling in his half-sleep.
Del
Didn't need all that, do
you?
Albert
I looked at him - and he
looked at me. We just stood
there - looking at each
other. Then suddenly he
went Raaaaggggghhhhhrrrrr!
Albert lets out a massive and loud roar. He puts so much
effort into it that his eyes are bulging.
Del and Raquel wake with alarm.
Del
Cor blimey, Albert! Leave it
out, will you?
Albert
I've never been so frightened
... I did something very
childish, Del.
(He is on the
point of crying)
I wet meself!
(Holding back
the tears)
A full-grown man - and I wet
meself.
Del
Hey, no, come on. That's
nothing to get upset about,
Unc. Any bloke would do the
same if faced with a man-
eating lion!
Albert
I don't mean in the jungle.
I mean just now when I went
'Raaaggghhhrrrr'.
Del
Oh! Er...
Del looks to Raquel.
Raquel
Er...
A key is heard in the door. The door opens but it is
held by the chain of the security lock.
Rodney
(OOV)
I don't believe it!
The chain is long enough and loose enough for Rodney to
put his hand round the door and unlock it. Rodney
enters. Hangs his coat up and enters the lounge. Albert
is exiting for the bedroom area, followed by Raquel.
Del
(To Raquel)
There's some of his stuff
in the airing cupboard.
Raquel exits and closes the door.
Rodney
Alright? How's Albert?
Del
He's not his old self.
Rodney
Oh good! Just a joke.
Del
I bloody hope it was!
Rodney
Alright, keep your hair on.
Rodney is about to sit in Albert's chair.
Del
No!
Rodney
(Hasn't sat yet)
What?
Del
(Smiling)
Nothing.
Rodney sits in the chair.
Rodney
So he's no better?
Del
No, he ain't been out the
door for ages. The doctor
said he should get back to
normal life.
Rodney
That's right. I was there.
You see, I think the
problem is...
Rodney looks down at the chair as he suffers some mild
and mysterious discomfort.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You are being very kind and
considerate. You're being
patient and understanding.
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Well, that ain't normal,
is it?
Del
You looking for a doughboy
round the ear, Rodney?
Rodney
Ah, now that's normal!
D'you see what I mean? This
flat is all hurly-burly,
shouting and arguing -
nobody means any harm by it
- it's just the way we are.
But all of a sudden we're
treating Albert with kid
gloves. If it goes on much
longer he'll start to
accept that as normal. Then
when we go back to real
normality it'll put him
back into shock.
Del
So you reckon we oughta
toughen up a bit?
Rodney
The gently, gently approach
hasn't worked.
Del
I can't be hard on him,
Rodney.
Rodney
Nor can I! But...
Rodney looks down at the chair again and wonders what
this feeling is he is experiencing.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
We'd be doing it for him!
Otherwise he'll take root
in this flat.
Del
Yeah... maybe.
Albert enters from his bedroom wearing fresh pyjamas and
dressing gown.
Rodney
(Offering armchair)
Here you are, Unc.
Albert
(Emphatically)
No, you stay where you are,
son. I'll sit over here.
Alright if I have a drop
of brandy, Del?
Del
Yeah, of course, Unc.
Del is about to move to bar, then remembers Rodney's
words.
Del
(Cont'd)
You know where it is.
Albert
Eh? Oh yeah.
Albert moves to the bar.
Rodney
We've got a very busy day
ahead of us tomorrow,
Derek.
Del hasn't caught on to Rodney's act.
Del
Have we?
Rodney
Yes!
Del
Oh yeah, a very busy day.
We won't have time to go
down to get the shopping.
Rodney
No. And we can't expect
Raquel to do it, not in her
condition.
Del
That's true, Rodney!
Rodney
So...
(Looking down at
chair again)
What are we going to do?
Del
Albert, you'd better go
'n' get the shopping.
Albert
Me? I can't go out there,
Del.
Del
Yes, you can!
Albert
I don't really feel up to
it yet, son.
Del
You just pop don to the
shop and get some fish
fingers... Listen to me,
Unc, we've got a busy time
ahead of us, what with
Trotters Independent
Traders being in a phase
of commercial augmentation
and Raquel about to drop
her chavvy. We can't carry
any lame ducks. You are
starting to get under our
feet. D'you understand
what I'm saying? Get up
and get out, 'cos you're
no good to us the way you
are.
Albert
Yeah... I understand you,
Del... I understand.
Albert moves to his bedroom.
Albert
Goodnight, boys.
Rodney
That was a bit tough,
weren't it?
Del
What? You were the one who
said...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
I'm not saying anything
against you - just you
were harder than I
imagined.
Del
Are you comfortable in
that chair, Rodney?
Rodney
Eh?
Del laughs, Rodney reacts. Del laughs louder.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
The table is laid for breakfast. Albert's treasure chest
is still in the room. Del and Rodney enter. Rodney is
carrying a suitcase. Raquel, still in her dressing gown,
appears at the kitchen door.
Raquel
You're back early.
Del
Yeah, it's parky out there
this morning, sweetheart.
I'm starving.
Raquel
I'll do you a bowl of
muesli.
Del
Cushty.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Del
Bloody muesli!
Rodney
Albert's left his treasure
chest out here. There's a
photo of a ship going down.
(Reads back)
'June 27th, 1943. HMS Lock
sinks'.
Del
Look at all these telegrams
the Admiralty sent Aunt
Ada. 'Albert Trotter lost
at sea presumed drowned.'
Blimey, must have been
rough on the old girl.
Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying a breakfast
tray.
Raquel
I'll just take this into
Albert, then I'll do your
muesli.
Del
Lovely Jubbly.
Raquel moves to Albert's bedroom.
Rodney
All the other telegrams say
the same. 'Albert Trotter
lost at sea presumed
drowned.' She couldn't have
taken 'em seriously in the
end.
Del
(Reading another
telegram)
No. Even the Admiralty
didn't in the end. Look what
this one says, 'Albert
Trotter lost at sea presumed
wet!'
Rodney
Is that what it says?
Del
'Course not you wally!
Raquel exits from Albert's bedroom carrying a note.
Raquel
He's not there!
Del
What d'you mean, he's not
there?
Raquel
He's gone! He left a note.
'I won't get under your
feet any more. Your loving
Uncle, Albert.'
Del and Rodney look at each other, both filled with
guilt.
Rodney
It must have been what you
said last night.
Del
What I said! I didn't wanna
say anything 'til you come
in and told me to say
something!
Rodney
Well, don't try an blame
me!
Del
And don't try and blame m...
Raquel
(Cutting in)
Will you two stop arguing?
Go and find him!
Del
Well, where's he gone?
Raquel
I don't know! Go 'n' look!
Rodney
She's right. Let's go. I'll
take the van, you take the
Pratmobile.
Rodney rushes to the hall and front door.
Del
(To Raquel)
What did he say?
EXT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. DAY.
Rodney rushes from the doors towards the van. Del exits
from the doors a couple of seconds later.
Del
(Shouts)
What do you mean, 'Prat-
mobile?'
Rodney
(Urgently)
Come on!
1. TOWER BRIDGE.
We see the van and Capri pass each other on the bridge.
2. CHARING CROSS ARCHES.
Tramps sitting around a fire. Rodney describes Albert to
them. The tramps shake their heads. Rodney gives them a
quid.
3. CHELSEA PENSIONERS.
Del talks to them about Albert. They shake their heads.
4. PUB.
Rodney approaches the pub and looks in through the door.
He returns to the van. As he sits in the van we see rain
falling on the windscreen.
5. IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM.
As Del exits the museum we hear a thunderclap. Del looks
up at the skies and pulls his collar up.
6. RODNEY DRIVING THE VAN.
Windscreen wipers going.
7. DEL DRIVING THE CAPRI.
Windscreen wipers going.
8. HMS BELFAST.
Rodney exits from the bridge. He feels the air to confirm
it has stopped raining. Walks across deck.
9. SEAMAN'S MISSION.
Del, disappointed, exits from the mission.
10. STREET.
Rodney punches out a number on his mobile phone.
Del hears a ringing sound but doesn't know where it's
coming from. He finally realises and produces the mobile
phone.
Rodney
Any luck?
Del
No.
As Del answers we see Rodney wander into the background.
Although they are only 25 yards apart, they cannot see
each other because of an obstacle.
12. CARDBOARD CITY.
Del moves a box to discover a young vagrant sleeping in
it. Del describes Albert and asks, 'Have you seen him?'
The kid holds his hand out for money. Del pays him,
describes Albert again. The boy shakes his head and
smiles.
13. LONDON BRIDGE.
We see Rodney's head bobbing along with the rush-hour
tide.
14. MARKET.
We see Del among the market crowd.
15. LONDON BRIDGE.
Rodney continues crossing the bridge with the crowd.
16. MARKET.
Del chatting to a trader.
17. STREET/VAN.
Rodney suddenly realises where Albert is.
18. WILD SHOTS.
Wild shots of Del and Rodney realising where Albert is.
19. PORTOBELLO ROAD MARKET.
Del is walking through market.
20. FINAL SEQUENCE. EXT. YUPPY HOUSING DEVELOPMENT IN
DOCKS AREA/RIVER. DAY.
We see a street sign which reads: 'Tobacco Road'.
The Capri screeches to a halt, Del alights, looks towards
the river and smiles to himself. The van pulls up. Rodney
alights. Del gestures towards the river. Albert is seated
down near the river, looking out across the water.
Rodney
(Quietly, caringly)
Alright, Unc?
Albert
What you two doing here?
Del
We were worried about you,
you silly old git. We've
been looking all over
London for you!
Rodney
We found your note.
Albert
How'd you know I'd be
here?
Rodney
Just a guess, I s'pose.
This is where you was born,
innit?
Albert
Yeah. Tobacco Road. My
house was...
(Looking around)
Well, somewhere round here.
Del
What's it all about, eh?
Running away from home at
your age!
Albert
A lot of things been going
through my mind recently,
Del. I didn't know if I
was coming or going. I
feel as if I let the family
down.
(Indicating the
bruising)
I let you two down.
Del
Oh don't be so bloody daft!
Rodney
You didn't let anyone down!
Albert
I needed to be alone for a
while.
Rodney
But where were you gonna go?
Albert
I hadn't given it much
thought, Rodney. I didn't
realise things had changed
so much. The first time I
left home, when I was
about 15, I just came here
and got a job on a tramp-
steamer... Life seemed
easier then.
Del
It ain't all that difficult
now, Albert. All you gotta
do is come home - to your
family.
Albert
Thanks, son.
Rodney
Come on, let's go.
Albert
You know, once upon a time
ships from all over the
world used to sail in and
out of here. The water used
to be covered with a film
of oil and when the sun
shone it used to sparkle
with all different colours.
When I was a kid I used to
think that rainbows lived
in the river.
Del
You were a bit divvy in
them days as well?
Rodney
(A warning)
Oi!
Del
Yeah, alright.
Albert
There were tugs nudging
freighters into position.
Cranes lifting out timber
from Canada and bananas
from Jamaica. The pubs and
the cafés were filled with
sailors from a hundred
countries. By the time I
was seven I could swear
in ten different languages.
There used to be streets
here as well. Loads of
little two up, two down
houses. 'Dockers' mansions'
they used to call 'em.
Ragamuffins kicking
footballs against the
walls. The women used to
come out and chase us away
with their brooms... They
were rough people, but they
were good people. During
the Blitz some of the men
painted a sign on the roof
of a warehouse so that the
Luftwaffe pilots could read
it. It said 'Dear Adolf,
you can break our windows -
but not our hearts!' Look
at what they've done to it
now!
Del
Yeah...It's triffic, innit?
Rodney
Triffic?
Del
You any idea how much these
drums are worth, Rodney?
As Del speaks, so Albert looks appealingly to Rodney.
Rodney tries to give Albert a reassuring look.
Del
An arm and a leg, that's
what they're worth. Lord
Linley's got one of these.
And Michael Caine. Makes
you proud to be British!
This is a bit of me, this
is. I can se it now. Nice
little black Porsche parked
outside, me windsurfer tied
to the roof rack.
Rodney and Albert walk back towards the van, leaving Del
talking to himself.
Del
A few friends from the City
arriving for a little
private party in yonder
pub. A few glasses of Moët
and some pâté foie gras,
'cos I'm a champagne and
liver sausage ort of person,
and watch the old currant
bun setting behind the
Docklands arena. Paradise.
Wait a couple of years for
property prices to rocket,
then knock it out to some
Arab for twice the purchase
price. Lovely Jubbly!
The van pulls away with Rodney and Albert inside, leaving
Del staring dreamily across the waters.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Ten hours later. Albert is on the settee.
Raquel
You alright, Unc?
Albert
Yeah, I'm alright, dear.
Raquel
You didn't have to go run-
ning off like that, Del
didn't mean anything.
Albert
I know, he's explained to
me. It's just that I
felt... well, I felt like a
failure. I'm not a coward,
Raquel. There was nothing I
could do. There was six of
'em!
Raquel
I know. Albert, nobody
thinks you're... Six of
them?
Del enters from the bedroom in his dressing gown.
Del
Where's Rodney?
Raquel
He went out for a drink.
Again!
Del
That explains it. I was
talking to a couple of
winos earlier and they said
they were busy celebrating
St Rodney's Day...
(Now with grave
concern)
Wait a minute, I hope he
ain't gone to the Nag's
Head!
Raquel
Why, what's happening at
the Nag's Head tonight?
Del
Eh? Oh nothing!
Raquel exits to the kitchen. Del sits and becomes deep
in thought. There is a ring at the front-door bell. This
alarms Albert.
Albert
Is that the bell, Del?
Del
Yeah, I think it was, Unc.
Del is about to stand when he changes his mind.
Del
(Cont'd)
I'm a bit busy at the
moment.
Albert
Oh...
(Calls)
Raquel!
Del
Raquel's busy as well.
You answer it.
Albert
Me?
Del
Come on, Unc. You've got
nothing to be worried
about. I'm here.
Raquel
You're gonna have to answer
the door sometime or
another, so it might as
well be now...
The door bell rings again.
Del
See who it is, Albert.
Albert moves hesitantly towards the hall door. He opens
the hall door and stares in fear at the front door.
Albert
(Calls)
Who's there?
Knock-Knock
Knock-Knock.
Albert
It's Knock-Knock!
Del
Is it?
Albert
I can't see him, Del!
Del
Well, of course you can't.
You ain't opened the door!
Albert
I mean, I don't wanna see
him! I can't face it, Del!
Del
Alright, alright. Leave it
to me.
Del exits to the hall and closes the door behind him.
Raquel
You can talk to Knock-Knock
Albert. He's your friend.
Albert
I don't wanna talk to him,
not at the moment.
Raquel
But he's most probably come
to see how you are. He
might have brought you a
bunch of grapes.
Albert
I'm not feeling all that
well, love. I think I'll go
to my room.
Raquel
OK.
Albert moves to bedroom.
As he gets to the door, so Del enters from the hall. Del
is now knowing and accusing.
Del
Oi, stay right where you
are!
(Producing Albert's
gold watch)
Knock-Knock brought this
back. There's a bit of
luck, innit!
Raquel
It's your pocket watch,
Albert. Where's he get it
from?
Del
He found it in the bushes
on that patch of grass
near the swings.
Raquel
What, where Albert was
mugged last week?
Del
No! Where Albert and Knock-
Knock, while walking home
from the pub, had a fight
last week!
Raquel
They had a fight?
Del
Yeah, over Marlene's mum!
And Knock-Knock knocked him
out! He weren't mugged, the
lying old git!
Raquel
But what about his money
that went missing?
Del
He lost it all at dominoes
to Knock-Knock!
Raquel
Oh Albert!
Albert
I didn't know what to say!
I felt silly, losing to a
man three years older than
me. He kept saying he was
better than me at every-
thing. So I squared up to
him and he hit me!
Del
Have you any idea the
problems you've caused?
We've got a police
investigation going on.
I've been out looking for
five muggers.
Raquel
Six!
Del
Oh it's gone up to six now,
has it? Any more offers?
Albert
I felt embarrassed! Once
I'd said it I couldn't go
back.
Rodney enters.
Rodney
(Excited)
Should have been down the
Nag's Head. There was the
punch-up to end all punch-
ups!
Del closes his eyes and turns away.
Raquel
What happened, then?
Rodney
That mob of skinheads were
in there, the ones Del said
mugged Albert. Anyway, you
know Ollie the greaser?
Well, him and his gang have
come and attacked the
skinheads. There was blood
up the wall, grease on the
ceiling. Ollie and his boys
took a right hammering! It
turns out them skinheads
aren't skinheads at all.
They're coppers!
Del
They're what?
Rodney
Undercover policemen. They
were put on the estate a few
weeks back when the muggings
started.
Del
Oh God!
Rodney
What's up, Del?
Del
Well, I... anyone would
have done the same.
Raquel
You didn't... you didn't...
have anything to do with
this, did you?
Del
Well... I wanted revenge
for what they'd done to
that dozy old twonk! I
sort of... kind of... gave
Ollie 100 quid to sort it
out.
Raquel
Oh for God's sake! This
baby will be born
premature if I hang around
you much longer!
Raquel storms to the bedroom and slams the door.
Del
(Appealing to
her)
Be fair, sweetheart. They
looked like muggers!
Rodney
When Oliver and his army
get out of hospital I've
got a fair idea where
their first port of call
will be!
Del
Yeah, me too.
Albert
Well, they better not try
anything with me around! I
used to be the Royal Navy
boxing champion.
Del
(Fist clenched)
I'm gonna kill you!
Rodney grabs Del's raised hand.
Rodney
Del!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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