INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY.
Raquel is standing talking to Mike and Trigger at the
bar. Del, power-dressed, with mobile phone and
briefcase, is seated at a table reading a letter.
Rodney is sitting opposite Del, eating a sandwich.
Albert is reading the letter over Del's shoulder.
Del
I don't believe it! When
did this arrive?
Albert
This morning.
Del
Well, why didn't you let
me know sooner?
Albert
I couldn't get in touch
with yer. You've been out
all morning. I thought you
might have popped home for
elevenses.
Del
How many times I gotta
tell you, Unc? Elevenses
is for wimps. I'm out
there on that yuppy tight-
rope, nerves on red alert.
A beta-blocker and a
dream, that's me. I eat on
the move, mobile phone in
one hand, a Pot Noodle in
the other.
Albert
I tried to call you on yer
mobile phone.
Rodney
That's why Del ended up
with an earful of noodles.
Del
Oh look, the boy from the
blackstuff's woken up!
Rodney
Look, just 'cos I'm out of
work, there's no need to
rub it in! For all you
know my recent misfortunes
could herald a watershed
in my life and I could go
on to greater things.
Del
Oh yes! You've broken up
from your wife, walked out
of a beautiful home,
resigned from a highly
paid job and pulled the
chain on your career.
That's just the sort of
springboard you need for
the future, innit?
Rodney
Something'll turn up.
Del
That's what General Custer
said! And something did
turn up! Another bloody
load of Indians!
Albert
You should be giving Rodney
a bit of encouragement.
Del
What d'you think I'm dong?
I'm worried about him! A
few weeks back he had cash
on the hip and a glowing
future. Now he's skint and
the only thing that's
glowing is his liver!
Albert
What happened to that
golden handshake he got
from the printing firm?
Del
He's kissed that all up
the wall, ain't he? Blown
it all on Cuba libres and
lairy suits.
Rodney
I don't believe this git!
He has the audacity to
sit here moralising with
me while holding a letter
from the magistrates'
court saying his case has
been brought forward!
Del
Yeah, well one of them
things, innit? Everyone
has got to go to court
once in their life.
Rodney
Once in their...! They've
given you yer own parking
place!
Del
Don't try and change the
subject, Rodney!
Albert
I think what Del's trying
to say is: for the last
month or so you've been
living back at the flat.
In the past that was
alright, but now Raquel is
pregnant.
Del
And it shows, don't it? See
that little lump? That's my
embryo.
Rodney, revolted, puts his sandwich down.
Del
See, a few months from
now there'll be no space
in the flat.
Rodney
She'll be that big, will
she?
Del
I mean, that room of yours
will be turned into the
nursery. This is a perfect
opportunity for you to go
out and find yer own
bachelor pad, innit?
Albert
He's waiting for the
council to offer him some-
thing.
Del
Oh, cushty. Well, with
any luck we might be able
to throw a combined party.
Rodney's house-warming and
my son's 21st!
Rodney
For your information,
Derek, the council phoned
this morning with an offer
of accommodation.
Del
No! Really?
Albert
It's true, Del. I was
there when he got the call.
Del
Well, that's terrific news,
Rodney. Well done, bruv.
Rodney
They've offered me an LDA.
Del
An LDA! Well, things are
looking up!
Rodney
I'm viewing it this after-
noon.
Del
If you need any furniture,
give us a shout. Young
Towser's doing a very nice
line in quality reject
three-piece suites.
Rodney
Right. Could come in handy
... Del, can I ask you
something?
Del
Of course, bruv. Anything.
Rodney
What's an LDA?
Del
Dunno!
Albert
Well, it's an abbreviation
for something.
Rodney
I know it's an abbreviation
for something! But what?
L-D-A. Maybe it stands for
Luxury Detached Abode?
Del
Yeah! I doubt it, but
maybe! I'll get the drinks.
Rodney
Not for me. I'd better go
home and change. I'm
meeting the council mush
in an hour.
Del
Best of luck, bruv.
Rodney exits. Del crosses to the bar, where Mike is
talking to Raquel. Trigger is next to Del.
Trigger
Wotcher, Del Boy. Alright?
Del
Yeah. Mike, same again,
please.
Mike
Hang on, Del.
(To Raquel)
So you thought of a name
yet?
Raquel
No! It's too early for
that.
Mike
It's best to sort it out
early. Saves rows later.
Del
Mike!
Del holds his glass out.
Mike
Yeah, hang on a minute,
Del.
Mike
(To Raquel)
So how's this gonna affect
your career?
Raquel
What career?
Mike
(To Raquel)
I thought you was an
actress and a singer and
all that.
Raquel
Yeah. Well, I think in my
condition I'll put my
career on hold for a
while. Like 15 years or
so.
Trigger
(To Raquel)
That reminds me. You know
the Down By The Riverside
Club?
Del
Yeah. I'm thinking of
going and getting a drink
there. Mike, when you're
ready!
Mike
I've only got one pair of
hands, Del!
(To Raquel)
I remember the night I
came home and my wife told
me she was two months
pregnant. I was a cocktail
waiter at the time.
Raquel
Ah! It's a moment you'll
never forget.
Mike
That's right. I remember it
especially, 'cos I'd just
come home from three months
on a cruise ship.
Raquel
Oh! Sorry.
Mike
Oh no, it was a nice
cruise. Do you wanna see
the snaps?
Trigger
A mate of mine from the
council's depot's singing
there tonight.
Mike and Raquel continue chatting as Trigger talks to
Del.
Del
What?
Trigger
At the Down By The River-
side Club. Tony Angelino.
Del
Who?
Trigger
Tony Angelino. That's his
stage name.
Del
Sounds like a good evening,
Trig. A few drinks, scampi
in a basket and the singing
road-sweeper. Cushty.
Trigger
He's not a road-sweeper!
(As if to impress)
He's on the dust.
Del
Oh well!
Trigger
He sung there once before,
about six years ago.
Del
He's back by popular demand,
is he?
Trigger
Yeah. He's got a terrific
voice. He's gonna be a big
star one day. Fancy coming
down there tonight?
Del
No.
Mike
(To Del but is
referring to
Raquel)
What you hoping for?
Del
The same again if you're
not too busy!
Mike
I mean he baby.
Del
Oh. It's a boy.
Raquel
How do you know? It might
be a girl.
Del
No, no. It's a boy. I know
it is!
Mike
Don't forget, you can hold
a very nice wedding
reception up above here.
Del and Raquel share a look as Mike goes for the
drinks.
Del
(To Raquel)
Let's go and sit down over
there.
They move towards a table.
Del
Have you told any of your
family yet?
Raquel
I've written to my parents.
Del
I was thinking more about
your husband.
Raquel
My solicitor's still trying
to trace his whereabouts.
We've been apart now for
seven years so divorce'll
be no problem.
Del
Well, as soon as that comes
through we'll get hitched.
Raquel
Sorry?
Del
We'll tie the knot.
Raquel
But I might not want to
marry you.
Del
What you mean, you might
not wanna marry me? Don't
be silly.
Raquel
I'm not being silly! You
haven't even asked me.
Del
Haven't ask...! Cor blimey,
Raquel! You're... Well,
you are, ain't yer? Where
I come from action speaks
louder than words.
Raquel
Would you keep me in the
style that I've become
accustomed to?
Del
Of course I would.
Raquel
Well, there's no way I'm
marrying you then!
Del
Listen to me. We're gonna
have a blinding future
together.
Raquel
Are we?
Albert begins playing the piano.
Del
Yes, we are. Everything's
beginning to fall into
place. Business is going
well and I've got a lot of
new projects in the old
pipeline.
(Checks watch)
I've got a meeting in half
an hour's time with an old
mate of mine who owns one
of these dinner and dance
clubs. I think he's heard
about them 300 packets of
crisps I've got in the
garage.
Albert is playing and singing 'Slow Boat to China'.
Del
Listen, he's playing our
song... badly. I've got a
really good feeling about
the future. I tell you,
Raquel, this time next
year I'll be a
millionaire.
Raquel
Alright then, I accept.
Del
Good girl! You know it
makes sense.
Raquel
Maybe tomorrow we could go
out and get an engagement
ring?
Del
Not tomorrow, sweetheart.
I'm in court.
Raquel reacts - this is news to her.
INT. THE STARLITE ROOMS. DAY.
There is a small dance area with tables around it. To
one side is a long bar, and there is a stage. A
cleaning lady is hoovering the carpet. Behind the bar
sits Eric the manager, a tough-looking cockney. Del
enters.
Del
Eric! How are you going,
pal?
Eric
Talk about Marley's ghost!
Del Boy! You're looking
prosperous.
Del
Yeah, can't complain.
Well, I can, but no one
listens.
Eric
I've heard good things
about you, Del. You're
making your mark in the
parish. I'm pleased for
you. I like to see people
get on. Last time I saw
you, you were really
struggling - driving
round in some shitty
little three-wheeled van.
Eric laughs at this.
Del
(Laughing along
with Eric)
Those were the days, eh? Er
... actually I kept hold of
that van - nostalgia - all
that. I just use it for
business.
Eric
What's yer main motor,
then? A little sports coupé?
Eric has pronounced coupé as 'coop'.
Del
Yeah, something like that.
I ain't seen you for...
what? Five, six years.
Eric
Is it that long?
Del
Yeah. You thought I'd done
you out of 500 quid.
Eric
Well, you did, didn't you?
Del
No, no. I explained it to
you at the time. It was
just a misunderstanding.
Eric
Yeah, well. We'll let
sleeping dogs lie, eh, Del?
Del
Yeah, all in the past, eh,
Eric? You've done this
place up nice.
Eric
Yeah, it's doing some
business as well.
Del
Cushty! I'm pleased for
you. Anyway! What d'you
want? You left a message
with my answer-machine.
Eric
I thought it was your
uncle.
Del
Same thing.
Eric
Got a bit of a problem, Del.
Tomorrow night the club's
been booked for a birthday
party cabaret, all the exes.
I had a young singing duo
lined up, but they've let me
down at the last minute.
I've phoned round all the
local agents.
(Producing a
sheet of
paper)
That's what I've been
offered so far.
Del
(Reading the
paper)
Well, that looks alright
to me.
Eric
No. I need a singer, Del.
Someone who knows what
they're doing. Now I heard
recently that you're
living with some bird who
used to do a bit of
nightclub singing.
Del
Raquel? Yeah, she's done a
bit of singing. But she
packed it all in ages ago.
Eric
Would she fancy coming out
of retirement for one
night?
Del
She's three months
pregnant, Eric. I couldn't
ask her to do something
like that.
Eric
It's hardly hod-carrying,
Del. I mean, all she's
gotta do is four or five
songs.
Del
No. She told me once
before about the nervous
tension she used to
suffer before she went on
stage. I couldn't ask her
to do that.
Eric
That's a shame, Del. I've
got a contract here just
waiting to be signed by
someone.
Del
I'm sorry, pal. I'd liked
to have helped you, but...
Raquel's given the
business up. It's her
life. I can't go inter-
fering with her wishes.
You don't want any cheap
packets of crisps, do
you?
Eric
No, what I want's a singer.
I'd have made it worth her
while - 600 quid for one
night's work ain't to be
sneezed at.
Del produces a pen to sign the contract.
Del
She'll need a backing
group!
As Del signs we see Eric grin an evil, vengeful
grin.
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
Del is seated at the table trying to eat his lunch.
Albert is also seated at the table eating lunch.
Raquel is seated across the table shouting at Del.
Raquel
What d'you mean you
promised him?
Del
What could I do, sweet-
heart? It's a mate in
trouble.
Raquel
I don't care who it is,
Del! I'm not doing it!
Del
But I gave him your word.
Raquel
Well, you had no right to!
Del
It's 300 quid, Raquel!
Raquel
I don't care how much it
is, Derek! I'm not doing
it!
Del
Come on, sweetheart!
Eric's in right lumber.
He's been in touch with
all the agents - he even
showed me the list they
sent him. So far he's
been offered 12
strippers, 18 blue
comedians, a trained dog
act and Lionel Blair.
Raquel
So what's wrong with
that?
Del
Nothing's wrong with it.
It's just that Eric wants
you!
Albert
But she's three months
pregnant.
Del
I ain't asking her to be a
belly-dancer, am I? Just
sing a few songs.
(Referring to
her belly)
Anyway, it doesn't show.
Turn round, sweetheart.
There are, it don't show.
You've got a lovely figure
and a beautiful voice. And
that is a gift, Raquel,
and you could share that
gift with the world.
Raquel
Or a bunch of drunks in the
Starlite Rooms! Del, I've
never sung in a real night-
club before!
Del
You showed us that poster
of when you appeared on the
same bill as Otis Redding
at the Talk of the Town,
London.
Raquel
It was Laurie London at
the Talk of the Town,
Reading.
Del
Well, same thing, innit?
Raquel
No, it is not! That was
the one and only time I've
ever appeared alone on
stage. It was a nightmare.
I forgot the words, I
forgot the tune, it was a
nightmare! People actually
cheered when they
announced last orders. The
only other times I've been
on stage has been in a
double act. I was with the
magician, the Great
Ramondo. I was in that duo,
Double Cream. See, I don't
mind that. There's someone
there to support you.
Someone there to share the
blame.
Del
Well, I'll sort you out a
singing partner.
Raquel
It's not as simple as that!
You have to get to know
each other - rehearse -
find out whether we can
harmonise and whether we're
even compatible.
Del
We'll do all that!
Albert
When's the show?
Del
Tomorrow night.
Raquel
Tomorrow night! It's
impossible!
Del
(Producing a
contract)
Look I've signed a
contract guaranteeing that
I will supply the cabaret.
It's legal and binding.
Raquel
(Reading the
contract)
The Trotter International
Star Agency!
Del
That's me. I've diversi-
fied.
Raquel
Why did you sign a
contract before you'd
even spoken to me?
Del
Because I ever for one
moment thought that you
would let me down. Rodney -
possibly.
(Referring to
Albert)
Him - like a shot, but you?
No. Still, I shouldn't be
too surprised. It's the
story of my life, really.
My dad let e down, walked
out and left me to fend for
meself. My mum died, it
weren't her fault, but I
actually felt that she'd
let me down as well. It's
funny the things that go
through yer mind when
you're only 16 and...
alone. Maybe that's why
I've always played it
straight with people. I've
always been open and
upfront because I hate the
thought of other folk
feeling let down - the way
I did.
Albert has been looking at the contract.
Albert
It says here he's paying
you 600 quid!
Del
(Under his
breath)
You mouthy old git!
Albert
You said 300.
Del
Yes. And isn't it obvious
why I said that?
Albert
No.
Del
Because... because...
because I realised that a
fee of 600 pounds would
make Raquel even more
nervous than she already
was. So I tried to take
the sting out of it -
smooth the edges down -
relieve the pressure - by
saying it was only 300.
Raquel kisses him gently on the hand.
Raquel
Thank you.
Del
So you're gonna do it for
me, are you?
Raquel
But who will I be singing
with?
Del
Trust me, Raquel, trust
me. I will never put you
wrong. We'll go through
some of my LPs, pick out
a few classics.
Raquel
But these songs have
gotta have musical
arrangements. We need a
pianist.
Del
Well, that's no problem,
is it? Albert!
Albert
(With a big
optimistic
smile)
Yes, Del?
Del
Get the Yellow Pages, we'll
sort out a musician.
(To Raquel)
What d'you say?
Raquel
I'll think about it, Del.
Del
Cushty!
Raquel
I'm just thinking about it,
Del! No promises.
Del
Of course not. But in the
meantime you have a little
practice, eh? Get the old
voice in trim - just in
case.
Raquel
Yeah. Alright - just in
case. I'm gonna make some
coffee. Anyone else?
Albert
I'll have a cup, dear.
Del
And me, sweetheart.
Raquel exits to the kitchen.
Del
She's gonna knock 'em
bandy, Albert. You wait and
see.
We hear Raquel singing in the kitchen. At first she
is singing reasonable quietly.
Raquel
Do you know the way to San
José, I've been away so
long I'm going home to San
José.
Del
Listen to that. Voice like
an angel.
(Calls into the
kitchen)
Sing up, darling, don't be
shy.
Raquel raises her volume and continues singing the
song. Del does a little dance to her singing.
Del
Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney enters from the hall, wearing a suit and
looking very depressed.
Del
Raquel's singing at the
Starlite Rooms.
Rodney
Yeah? Her voice don't half
travel, don't it?
Del
No, I mean, she's in the
kitch... What's up with
you?
Rodney
I've just been to view
the council's offer of
accommodation. And you were
right, LDA does not stand
for Luxury Detached Abode.
Del
I had a feeling.
Rodney
LDA stands for Low Demand
Accommodation.
Albert
What's that, then?
Rodney
It's a place where no one
else wants to live!
Albert
What they like?
Rodney
Well, they're er...
(Referring to
the flat)
They're like this!
Del
You saucy little git!
(Shouting into
kitchen)
Keep the noise down, Raquel!
We can't hear ourselves
think out here!
Rodney
You should have seen the
place they offered me. It
was like a time-share
apartment on Albert Square.
Albert
Did you take it?
Rodney
Of course I didn't!
Raquel enters from the kitchen.
Albert
Well, you've gotta find a
place of your own soon,
Rodney.
(Referring to
Raquel)
A few months from now
she'll be having a kiddie.
Rodney
Yes, I know! But at the
moment the council's my
only hope. I'm out of work
and have no money coming
in, so I can't afford to
look in the private
sector.
Raquel
I don't wish to sound
brutal, Rodney, but why
don't you get another job?
Rodney starts laughing uproariously at this. After a
few seconds Albert starts laughing as well.
Rodney
It's not that funny,
Albert!
(To Raquel)
With my history the only
chance I have of future
employment is to go out and
find my own window-cleaning
round.
Raquel
I'm sorry, I don't under-
stand. You left your
previous employment of your
own accord. You weren't
sacked, you resigned. So
where's the problem?
Rodney
It's not as simple as that,
Raquel.
(Accusingly)
Is it, Derek?
Del
You see, sweetheart,
Rodney's only ever had one
real job - working for
Cassandra's dad - the job
he's just resigned from.
Raquel
But I thought prior to that
he was a partner in
Trotters Independent
Traders.
Rodney starts laughing again.
Del
Yes, he was - and sorely
missed when he left. But you
see, Trotters Independent
Traders was never what is
legally known as a pukka
business. We never quite got
round to registering our
name at Companies House. It
helped us cut down on a
lot of paperwork...
Rodney
... and income tax and VAT.
Del
Yes... So officially Rodney
left school at 16 but
didn't get his first job
until he was 26. The only
other time he showed up on
a government computer
during that decade was
when he received a
suspended sentence for
possession of cannabis.
Raquel
(To Rodney)
And you don't fancy window
-cleaning?
Rodney
No. I don't like heights.
Albert
Couldn't you specialise in
bungalows?
Rodney
Shuddup, Albert!
Raquel
Alan's bound to give
Rodney a glowing
reference.
Del
We know that, sweetheart.
But where's he gonna say
he was for the other 10
years - in the toilet? No,
it's a problem. It's a
shame you can't get a job
in something that really
interests you... Like...
Well, music. You like
music, don't you?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Even if it was a part-time
job.
Rodney
Yeah, that'd do.
Del
Something like... a road...
manager.
Rodney
(Laughs ironically)
Where would I get some-
thing like that?
Del
You never know your luck,
Rodders. You just never
know your luck.
EXT. THE DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE CLUB.NIGHT.
The club is by the river. It is a large and brightly
lit prefabricated building, its lights reflecting in
the river. Somewhere a tug hoots. From inside the
club we can hear the muffled tones of Ton Angelino
singing 'Fall in Love'.
Tony
I've been in love so many
times. Thought I knew the
score,
The van pulls into the crowded car parking area,
which is rough and rutted.
Tony
(Cont'd)
But now you've hurt me Oh
so bad, I can't take it
any more. And it looks
like I'm never gonna fall
in love again.
Del, overcoat draped round his shoulders in what he
believes is show-biz agent fashion, alights from the
van. Rodney, dressed in a suit and tie, alights from
driver's side. He looks towards the club and listens
to the song. He closes his eyes as a great dread
comes over him. Del loves the sound he is hearing.
As they move to the entrance we see a sign outside:
'The Down By The Riverside Club Welcomes Tony
Angelino - The Singing Dustman'.
Tony
(Loud and
powerful)
F... a...ll in love, I'm
never gonna - fall in
love. I'm never gonna fall
in love again.
INT. THE DOWN BY THE RIVERSIDE CLUB. NIGHT.
Tony Angelino, a drummer and a guy playing a sophisti-
cated synthesizer are on the smallish stage. Tony is
35, slim and tanned and has black, curly Tom Jones-
type hair. He is wearing a pair of sunglasses. His
shirt is open almost to his navel, and he is wearing
tight black trousers and a belt with a massive gold
buckle. Something is hanging inside his trousers which
could easily be an 8"" salami. Around the stage are 8
or 10 tables occupied mainly by 50-year-old women.
Most of the villainous-looking men are hanging around
the bar.
Tony
(Singing)
All the songs I heard about
you, I thought they were
only lies. But when I saw
you with another man, I
just broke down and died.
And it looks like I'm never
gonna fall in love again.
Del and Rodney enter and move to he bar.
Del
(To Rodney but
referring to
Tony)
He's good, ain't he?
Rodney
Good! He's bloody awful!
Del
You don't know what you're
talking about, bruv. Look
at all the old dears.
They'll be chucking their
corsets on the stage in a
minute.
Tony
F... a... ll in love.
Please don't ask me to,
fall in love. You see, I'm
never gonna fall in love
again.
The song ends to rapturous applause from the ladies.
Del
Listen to that, they love
him. If I put him and
Raquel together I'm on a
right winner.
Rodney
But she's pregnant!
Del
Only a little bit!
Rodney
You're just exploiting her,
ain't yer?
Del
She's earning out of it,
and earning well! We've all
gotta do our little bit to
bring money into the flat.
Rodney
Yeah. Well, I reckon it's
all wrong.
Del
It's got nothing to do with
you, Rodney. You are just
my road manager - part-time
at that! I've explained
your duties - you drive 'em
to rehearsals, get the tea
and sandwiches and sweep up
when they've finished.
Rodney
Am I allowed to voice any
opinion or repertoire,
presentation, arrangement,
interpretation?
Del
No.
Rodney
Right. I will do exactly as
you say. And no bloody
more! You won't hear
another word out of me on
the matter!
Del
Good.
We hear the opening bars to 'Delilah'.
Tony
(Singing)
I saw light on the night
that I passed by her
window.
Rodney
It's old-fashioned, Del.
Who’s' gonna pay money to
listen to this?
Del
(Indicating the
women)
Well, they have, ain't
they?
(Indicates the
men)
And so have they! You seem
to think that popular
music is all about the top
10. Well, it ain't - 80
per cent of the people in
this country are middle of
the road and that is what
they like to hear. I mean,
John Denver and Roger
Whitaker never get on Top
Of The Pops, but they
still sell millions of
records a year. It's
serious bunce, Rodney,
serious bunce. And this
is my chance of getting a
piece of the action.
Raquel and Tony could
become the new... the new
Carpenters.
Rodney
Or plumbers, or brickies.
Del
Peters and Lee.
Rodney
Ooh!
Del
Sonny and Cher.
Rodney
Chas and Dave.
Del
Renee and Renato.
Rodney
Mills and Boon.
Del has not heard any of Rodney's insults.
Del
You got that contract?
Rodney
Yeah.
(Producing the
contract)
I don't know if it's all
legal. I ain't been trained
in that sorta thing.
Del
You've got two GCEs
Rodders, that'll do for me.
(Reading the
contract)
Yes, lots of 'hereinafters'
and 'forthwiths' - Lovely
Jubbly.
Tony finishes his act with the final couple of lines
of 'Delilah'.
Tony
(Singing)
Forgive me, Delilah, I just
couldn't take any m... o...
Tony takes his bows to great applause.
Tony
Thank you. Thank you so
much. You've been a
wonderful audience.
Tony makes his way to the side of the stage.
The synthesizer-player takes the mike.
Synth Player
Ladies and gentlemen - Tony
Angelino.
Tony exits with a bow and a wave.
INT. CORRIDOR/SMALL PRIVATE WASHROOM. NIGHT.
As Tony exits Del and Rodney are waiting for him. Del
has the contract in his hand.
Rodney
He'll never sign that
contract!
Del
He'll sign it, Rodney...
Tony, lovely performance.
Tony
Thanks.
Del holds the contract and pen out.
Del
Would you?
Tony believes this to be an autograph.
Tony
Of course.
Del points to where he wants the signature to go.
Tony signs and moves off.
Del blows the ink dry.
Del
(To Rodney)
Easier than you thought,
weren't it?
Rodney
I don't believe you done
that!
Del
He who dares, Rodders!
(Calls)
Tony, can I have a word,
son.
Del catches him up in the corridor.
Del
Bit of business to discuss.
I've got a few bookings
lined up for you.
Tony
Yeah? Come in ere. We can
discuss it while I'm
getting changed.
Tony opens the door to the washroom. Del and Rodney
enter as two lady fans approach Tony in the corridor.
First Woman
Tony, can I have your auto-
graph?
Tony
I'll be back in just a
minute, honey.
Tony enters washroom.
Tony
(To Del and
Rodney)
Chicks!
Rodney
Oh. Local hen-party, is
it?
Tony
No. Actually, it's the
local Women's Institute.
Still, you've got to keep
them happy, eh?
Del
My name's Derek Trotter of
the Trotter International
Star Agency, Peckham. Call
me Del. This is my roadie,
Rodney.
Tony
What's this all about,
Del?
During Del's next speech, Tony removes his cuban-
heeled boots and instantly shrinks by three inches.
Del
I am putting together a
middle-of-the-road duo. You
and a very talented young
singer named Raquel Turner.
Tony bends down to take his boots off.
Del
(Cont'd)
I have a confirmed booking
at the Starlite Rooms with
a option for a long-term
contract...
Tony stands up.
Del
(Cont'd)
... if you're good enough.
Tony
You're kidding me? The
Starlite Rooms?
Tony hands his wig to Del.
Del
You got a manager, Tony?
Tony
Er, no.
Del
Well, you have now, son.
Del goes to shake Tony's hand, but Tony pulls a salami
out of his trousers and puts the salami in Del's hand.
Del then gives Rodney the salami.
Rodney
Eurgh!
He throws it away.
Tony is now at the basin, washing off the quick-tan
make-up. Del is standing next to him washing his
hands.
Del
I can't understand how a
bloke with a voice like
yours ain't been snapped
up. Can you, Rodney?
Rodney is about to go into a long speech.
Rodney
Well...
Del
(To Tony but
referring to
Rodney)
See, he's as mystified as
me!
Tony
Nobody's told you anything
about me, then?
Del
No. Is there something I
should know?
Tony is drying himself, obviously trying to hide
something.
Tony
No, no.
Tony's face is now the same pasty white as his
body.
Tony
When's this booking for?
Del
Tomorrow night. Yes, I know
it's short notice and you
and Raquel have got a lot
of work to do rehearsing
together, working out yer
repertoire and what 'ave
yer. But I've got faith in
the two of you. You're a
pro and so is she. I'm
offering you a hundred
pound for tomorrow night.
Tony
No? The most I've ever
been paid is 50 quid.
We see Del's 'why didn't I keep my mouth shut'
expression.
Rodney smiles at Del's discomfort.
Rodney
Well, you're in the big
time now.
By now, Tony has removed his skin-tight trousers and
is wearing a pair or ordinary slacks. He steps into a
pair of slip-on shoes as he buttons up his very
ordinary shirt. Tony packs his stage clothes and
props away in a canvas flight bag.
Del
You're rehearsing first
thing in the morning. I've
booked a room at the Jesse
Jackson Memorial Hall!
I'll give your road
manager a list of classic
hits I want you to
rehearse.
Tony
(Slight panic)
No, no. There are only a
few songs I can sing, Del.
Del
And that's why you hardly
ever get any bookings.
Tony
No, it's not that! It's
because I...
Del
Well, what?
Tony
Nothing.
Del
Your problem is you're
frightened of a challenge.
But now you've got me
behind you. You must trust
me, Tony. I won't put you
wrong. I'll play it
straight down the line with
yer. No secrets, no small
print. All you've gotta do
in return is trust me. Do
you trust me, Tony?
Tony
Yeah. OK, Del.
Del
Good boy. You know it makes
sense.
Tony
Will you be at the hall in
the morning?
Rodney
No, he's in court tomorrow.
Del
Yes, I'm witness to -
something.
Tony
(Referring to
contract)
You want me to sign that?
Del
(Holding up
contract)
No, you've already one it,
son.
As Del opens the door, Tony is left wondering 'When
did I sign that?'
Cut to corridor. Del, Rodney and Tony enter.
Rodney
(To Tony)
See you in the morning.
Rodney and Del exit.
Tony takes pen from a lady fan and is about to sign
his autograph.
Tony
What's your name?
Lady elbows him out the way aggressively.
Fan
Get out of my way, you.
Where's Tony?
The fan calls into the washroom.
Fan
Tony, Tony!
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
Raquel and Albert are seated at a table. Boycie and
Mike are seated at another table. Del and Rodney
enter.
Rodney
I can't believe that was
the same bloke.
Del
Yeah. It's just costume
props. They all use 'em.
You don't think Mr Spock's
ears are his own, do you?
(Now at table)
Great news, Raquel. I've
found your singing partner.
Raquel
Oh God!
Del
What? He's terrific, ain't
he, Rodney?
Rodney
Eh? Yeah.
Del
You gotta see him to
believe him, ain't you,
Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
He's got a tremendous
voice, great stage presence
and oodles of charisma.
He's a star in the making,
Raquel, and I'm talking
international.
Albert
Where d'you learn about
him?
Rodney
He works with Trigger at
the council depot.
Raquel
Is that true?
Del
Sean Connery was a dustman.
Raquel
And is he like Sean Connery?
Del
Well, he wears a wig. I'll
get the drinks. Give us a
hand, Rodney.
They move to the bar. As they approach, we see the
smiling Mike and Boycie nudge each other in a 'Here he
comes' manner. Thy are going to wind Del up.
Boycie
Del Boy! I hear you're in
court tomorrow.
Del
Ssh!
Boycie
Don't do a lot for your
yuppy image, does it?
Del
Oh I don’t know. It's quite
trendy nowadays. All the
Big Bang boys did a bit of
stir.
Rodney
Yes, it's very fashionable
in the City. Computer
fraud, insider dealings,
stock manipulation.
Mike
What you up for, Del?
Del
Fly-pitching. It's a fifty
quid fine and a slap on
the wrist. Occupational
hazard when you're
upwardly mobile.
Boycie
I hear Raquel's up the
spout? Congratulations.
Del
Thank you, Boycie, Michael,
our usual and whatever you
two are having.
Boycie
Of course, it ain't easy
being a father.
Del
No, I remember the trouble
you had. All them test
tubes and what have you.
Boycie
(Cutting in)
I am not talking about
that, Derek! I mean look-
ing after your child's
welfare, planning for his
future... Have you thought
about all that?
Del
My kid'll be alright.
Don't worry about it,
Boyce.
Mike
Then there's the pregnancy
itself. That can be nine
months of hell.
Del
With your missus I imagine
it was, Mike!
Boycie
Of course I was lucky.
Marlene gave birth after
only eight months.
Rodney
Yeah, well they say it's
quicker by tube...
Del
We've just come back from
the Down By The Riverside
Club. We heard Trigger's
mate singing. He's good,
ain't he, Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah...
Mike
Perhaps Trigger could
recommend him to Eric.
Mike laughs. Boycie laughs.
Del
Eric? What, from the Star-
lite Rooms?
Boycie
Yeah, the one who don't
like you. Something to do
with 500 quid.
Del
That was years ago!
Boycie
But that man holds a
grudge. Anyway, he's got
24 hours to fill a cabaret
spot for tomorrow night.
Mike
He'll never do it. I mean,
the word's out now.
Boycie
Well, he'd better come up
with something. I've heard
Eugene Macarthy's really
looking forward to it.
Mike and Boycie laugh.
Del tries to hold back the feeling of a nauseating
panic.
Rodney
Who's Eugene Macarthy?
Boycie
A local villain and not a
very nice man. Rumour has
it that the SAS pays
Eugene protection money.
Del
But what the hell's Eugene
gotta do with all this?
Boycie
Didn't you hear?
Del
What?
Boycie
Well, Eugene owns the
Starlite Rooms.
Del
No, no. Eric owns the club!
Mike
Eugene bought him out
three months ago.
Del looks horrified.
Boycie
I mean, there was no
boardroom negotiations,
off and counter-offer.
Eugene gave Eric choices -
take it or I'll nail you
to a door. Eric -
realising that he was
dealing with a man who
puts out death sentences
on Muslims - took it.
Mike
Anyway, tomorrow night is
Eugene's mum's 82nd
birthday. So he's throwing
a party at the Starlite
Rooms for her and all the
nasties.
Del
No, it can't be right,
Mike. Eric's still at the
club!
Mike
He's just the manager now.
Boycie
Yeah, and part of Eric's
managerial duties is
booking the cabaret. But
every time he booked an
act Eugene didn't like, he
would be promptly nailed
to the nearest door.
Mike
So he came up with a
brilliant solution. He
started employing the
services of local
entertainment agencies, so
if Eugene was displeased
he took his wrath on the
agent. Eventually, the
agents held a meeting in a
convalescent home and
decided to boycott the
Starlite Rooms.
Boycie
So unless Eric finds a mug
to supply the cabaret for
Eugene's mum's party,
B&Q'll be selling another
door.
Del and Rodney move to the bar.
Del
We're in a bit of trouble
here, bruv.
Rodney
Yeah... We?
Del
We've signed a contract
guaranteeing to supply the
cabaret!
Rodney
I've signed nothing! I'm
just the sweeper and the
tea-boy!
Del
I've been thinking about
what you said. You deserve
a more creative role in all
this.
Rodney
And I've been thinking
about it as well, and I
don't wanna more creative
role! Gimme the broom, the
teapot and the 50 quid and
I'm happy!
Del
Well, thank you very much,
Rodney.
Rodney
It's my pleasure, Derek!
INT. DRESSING ROOM AT THE STARLITE ROOMS. NIGHT.
A very worried Raquel is seated in front of the mirror
wearing her stage clothes. There is a knock at the
door.
Raquel
Come in.
Rodney, dressed up for the evening, enters.
Raquel
(Desperate)
Is Del here yet?
Rodney
No. I phoned the flat but
there's no reply. Perhaps
he's still in court.
Raquel
But it's nine o'clock!
Rodney
Maybe the jury's still out.
Raquel
Don't be stupid, Rodney!
He's only been charged with
unlicensed trading!
Rodney
Well, he's not here anyway.
Raquel
I can't go through with
this.
Rodney
Why not?
Raquel
What do you mean, why not?
You were at rehearsals
this morning. You know
what happened! Tony's...
got a problem.
Rodney
Well, they might not
notice.
Raquel
Of course they'll notice!
How can they not notice?
Rodney
You've gotta go through
with it for Del's sake!
Eugene Macarthy's out
there with his mum!
Raquel
Who's Eugene Macarthy?
Rodney
He's not nice people,
Raquel.
Raquel
Well, you go and tell
Eugene Macarthy and his
mum that the cabaret's
off!
Rodney
Me? I'm just the roadie!
Sweep up and make the tea,
that was my instructions.
D'you fancy a cup of tea?
Raquel
No, I don't!
Rodney
D'you want anything swept
up?
Raquel
No.
Rodney
Well, that's me finished.
Rodney exits.
INT. THE STARLITE ROOMS. NIGHT.
Diners are sipping brandies and puffing on after-
dinner cigars. The men all look like villains. Rodney
moves to the bar. Del, in evening suit, arrives.
Rodney
Where the hell have you
been?
Del
My case got put back last.
They fined me 65 quid then
I discovered I'd left me
wallet at home. So I phones
Sinbad and told him to
bring it down. He only got
a bus! I'm banged up in the
cells waiting for Albert
and he's out there in the
Friday night rush hour on a
bleedin' bus! Anyway, I
popped home, changed me
suit and...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Will you shut up for a
minute? We have got
problems!
Del
Problems? What sorta
problems?
As Rodney is about to explain, Eugene Macarthy appears
at Del's shoulder. Eugene is 45, big and never smiles.
Eugene
Del Boy.
Del is startled by Eugene's sudden appearance.
Del
Eugene! How lovely to see
you.
Eugene
Eric informs me that you're
supplying tonight's
cabaret? I hope it's good,
Del. It's my old mum's
birthday and I don't wanna
see her disappointed.
Del
Have no fears, Eugene. It's
the best, the very best.
Would I give your mum
anything less?
(About to introduce
Rodney)
Oh by the way, this is...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
I'm the road manager. I
just make the tea and
sweep up. I'm nothing to do
with the artistic contents
or anything like that.
Eugene
Well, here's to a good
evening.
Del
Yes. Sit back and enjoy,
Eugene.
Eugene moves off towards his table. Eric, in evening
suit, appears on stage and takes the mike as the
backing duo quietly set up their equipment in the
background.
Eric
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the cabaret hour!
Before I introduce our stars
for the evening, may I just
say happy birthday, Mrs
Macarthy - Eugene's mum.
Happy birthday, Lil.
We see Mrs Macarthy - she is 82 and, like Eugene who
is sitting next to her, never smiles. All the other
diners raise their glasses and say, "Happy birthday,
Lil".
Eric
We're proud to present
tonight a couple of young
British singers whose names
you may not be familiar
with. But if you were a
resident of a certain town
in Nevada, USA, their names
would be on the tips of
your tongues. For they have
just finished a sell-out
season on the same bill as
Barry Manilow at the
world-famous Desert Inn,
Las Vegas!
There is applause.
Rodney
Where's he get all that
crap from?
(He looks at
Del)
What a stupid question.
Eric
And we're proud to say that
all of the venues to start
their British tour they
have chosen the Starlite
Rooms, Peckham. So a big
welcome for - Raquel and
Tony.
There is more applause as Raquel and Tony take to the
stage. Del applauds wildly and whistles.
Rodney claps politely.
Raquel's nerves now appear to have gone. She is the
complete professional.
Raquel
(Sings)
I was alright for a while.
I could smile for a while.
But when I saw you last
night, You held my hand so
tight, When you stopped to
say hello, And though you
wished me well,
You couldn't tell,
That I'd been cry...ing,
over you,
Cry...ing, over you,
Then you said so long,
Left me standing all alone,
Alone and crying... crying
... crying... crying.
It's hard to understand,
But the touch of your hand,
Can start me crying...
Del
She's bloody good, ain't
she, Rodney?
Rodney
Cosmic!
Tony begins and acts like a Tom Jones with dramatic
movements and over-the-top gestures.
Tony
I though that I was over
you,
But tell me now, what can
I do?
I love you even more,
than I did before,
So, dah'ling, what can I
do...oo?
You don't love me,
And I'll always be,
Cwy...ing, over you...
Raquel looks in Del's direction with a glare.
Eugene and his mum are staring at the stage but their
expressions tell nothing.
Tony
Yes, now you are gone,
And from this moment on,
I'll be cwying.
Raquel
Crying.
We see Eric grinning smugly at Del's discomfiture.
Tony
Cwying.
Raquel
Cwy... crying.
Tony
Cwy... ing.
Raquel/Tony
Cwy... ing... Cwy... ing
... O... ver y...o...u.
The number ends to a deafening silence. Nobody in
the audience knows what to make of it.
Rodney
(To Del)
What d'you reckon, then?
Del
I... I... I'll see you
later, bruv.
Rodney begins to clap. He is joined by a few others
and finally the whole audience applauds politely.
Del exits. Raquel's glare follows him.
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
One hour later.
Del is facing the floor, agitated, frightened, puffing
nervously on a cigar and sipping a cocktail. Albert is
seated in the armchair.
Albert
So how comes you didn't
know he had trouble with
his Rs?
Del
Because he never told me!
All he said was he only
enjoyed singing certain
songs. You can see what he
meant now. He only sings
songs without Rs in 'em!
Albert
So he chose the songs for
tonight?
Del
Well... I mean... I didn't
know, did I? Gawd knows
what Eugene and his mum
thought!
(Looks at hall
to door)
I never did like that front
door anyway.
The front door closes and Rodney and Raquel enter from
the hall.
Raquel
(To Del)
You bastard! You just
walked out and left us!
Del
Well, what did you expect
me to do? Go over to
Eugene's table and say,
"That was different,
weren't it?" Did you carry
on with the performance?
Raquel
Oh yes, Derek, we saw it
through to the death.
Please Welease Me,
Congwatulations and The
Gween Gween Gwass of Home.
Rodney
Followed by a medley of wock
'n' woll!
Del
This is not funny, Wodney -
Rodney!!
Rodney
I thought it was hilarious!
(Referring to
Albert)
I ain't laughed so much
since he caught his beard
in the food mixer.
The front door bell rings.
Del
Answer that, Albert. If
it's Eugene, tell him I've
just gone to get the hammer
and nails!
Albert
(Calling to
front door)
Who's there?
Tony
(OOV)
Can I speak to Mr Twotter?
Raquel
It's Tony. Let him in.
Albert opens the door to Tony, who is wearing his
stage clothes.
Tony
I've come for my money!
Del
I'm up to my eyes in it at
the moment, son. We'll talk
about it tomorrow.
Tony
No, not tomorrow. I want my
money now! I did the
performance, didn't I? I
did the wepertoire that
you... you insisted on.
Del
But I didn't know you
couldn't pronounce your Rs!
Tony
What does that matter?
Albert
It matters quite a lot when
you're singing songs with
Rs in!
Tony
But I don't sing songs with
Rs in! And if a song has
got an R in it I change the
lywics!
Del
Well, why didn't you change
the lywics tonight?
Tony
How can I change the lyrics
to Cwying? The bloody
song's called Cwying!
Raquel
Tony and I did everything
you asked us to do, Del, so
pay the man his money. And
while you're at it, you owe
me money as well.
Del
Let's talk about it
tomorrow, sweetheart.
Raquel
Listen, Trotter, you're not
cheating me!
Del
Oh! It's alright for me to
be cheated though, innit?
Rodney
Who's cheated you?
Del, at first cannot answer this.
Del
(Now referring
to Albert)
He charged me one pound
fourty for fares! I only
realised as I was putting
me dickie bow on, he's
got a free bus pass! And
I can't see the Starlite
Rooms paying me anything
after tonight's disaster!
I'll end up out of
pocket!
Tony
We signed a contwact!
Del
Yes, but my brother drew
that contract up and he
included a get-out claus,
didn't you, Rodders?
Rodney
No.
Del
Why not?
Rodney
'Cos you didn't tell me to.
Anyway, I'm not a lawyer. I
make the tea and sweep up,
remember? And you owe me 50
quid!
Del produces a wad of notes.
Del
(Handing Tony
some money)
Here are...
(Handing cash
to Raquel)
There you go, darling.
We see that Del only has a fiver left. A look is
shared between him and Rodney.
Rodney is now showing an assertive and angry manner.
Rodney
We'll talk about this
tomorrow!
Del
Anything you say, Rodney.
Tony
You know what you've got,
Del? You've got an 'ism'.
Del
An 'ism'? I ain't got one
of them, have I?
Rodney
Dunno, there's a load of
old crap in that garage.
Tony
You're not alone with your
pwejudice. We've got
sexism, wacecism, sizeism
and ageism. Well, I'm a
victim of pwonunciationism!
I've got a good voice! I've
got a good style. I've got
a perfect tone. Just
because I pwonouce my Rs
differently from the west
of you I can never be a
star! Just because of my
pwonunciation you've dumped
me!
Del
And how'd you think I feel?
I got lumbered with a
'star' whose props come
from...
(Indicates feet)
Lilley & Skinner...
(Indicates head)
Crown Toppers...
(Indicates groin)
... and Mattesons!
Tony
But you can always find
another singer. I'm stuck
with my pwoblem. No one
who pwonounces Rs like
me have ever become
successful.
Albert
There's Roy Jenkins and
Jonathan Ross.
Tony
Exactly...
Tony opens his mouth as if he has something important
to say, then realizes there is little point.
Tony
(Cont'd)
Don't matter... See you,
Del.
Del
Take care, son.
Tony
Waquel.
Raquel
Bye, Tony.
Tony
Wodney.
Rodney gestures goodbye. Tony leaves.
Del
Well, don't look at me like
that! I didn't create this
pronunciationism! It's them
- the public! I think you
should be able to say what
you want and how you want.
It's a free country.
Albert
Del's right. It ain't his
fault.
Del
Thank you, Unc. Help your-
self to a brandy.
Albert moves to bar. The phone rings.
Del, without thinking, answers.
Del
Hello?
Del reacts and curses himself for answering.
Del
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Eugene! How nice of you to
call. Actually I was gonna
give you a bell in the
morning... Yes... Yes, I
did notice that. Funny
enough, I've just been
discussing it with my road
manager... Mmh! Did she?
Well, I can't say I blame
her... Really? How is she
now? Good... Yes... Of
course... I'll be there
first thing in the
morning... Bonjour,
Eugene.
Del switches the phone off and ponders the conver-
sation.
Rodney
D'you wanna hide eight
pairs of pliers in yer
pocket?
Del
(To Raquel)
He wants to book you and
Tony on a five-week
contract!
Raquel
He what?
Del
His mum liked you.
Raquel
You're kidding?
Del
No, straight up. He said
she ain't laughed so much
in years!
Del rushes to the window and opens it. He calls down
towards the tower block's entrance.
Del
Hang about, Tony! I've got
you some more bookings!
Stick with me, son, I'll
make you wich!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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