INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/BEDROOM AREA. DAY.
The table is laid for a healthy breakfast: half a grape-
fruit, a packet of All-Bran, toasted granary bread, a
pot of tea and a jug of orange juice. Also on the table
is a tray which holds a cup and saucer (fine English
china with a floral pattern) and an old white mug. There
are also a couple of newspapers.
The 'bed' on the settee is neatly made. Albert, in
dressing gown and pyjamas, is pouring tea into the cup
and mug, as he does he sings a modern pop song.
Cut to hallway of bedroom area. Three doors: Del's
bedroom, Rodney's bedroom and the bathroom. The door to
Del's room opens and Raquel, wearing a nightdress and
dressing gown, peers out towards the lounge where she
can hear Albert singing and whistling. Del appears
behind her. He is already power-dressed for the day.
Del
Well, go on then!
Raquel
Albert might come out here
any second!
Del
So what? You're only going
across there to the
bathroom, Raquel. It's
hardly a life-or-death
sprint across no man's
land!
Raquel
But what if he sees me? He
doesn't know I'm staying in
here with you. He still
thinks I sleep in Rodney's
old room and Rodney sleeps
on the settee! We'll have
to tell him the truth, Del.
Del
Yeah, I s'pose you're
right, sweetheart. If it'll
make you happy, you tell
him.
Raquel
Me? I'm not telling him!
It's embarrassing! He's
your uncle, you tell him!
Del
Alright, I'll tell him. He
don't bother me. Quick! Get
back, he's coming!!
Raquel and Del exit to bedroom and close door.
Albert enters from the lounge carrying the tray and the
newspapers.
He knocks on Del's bedroom door.
Albert
Tea up, Del Boy.
Del opens the door.
Del
Morning, Unc.
Albert hands him the floral
-patterned cup and saucer
and the newspapers.
Albert
Morning, son. There's yer
papers. Financial Times and
Exchange and Mart.
Del
Cheers, Albert. I'll check
the Tokyo closing prices at
the breakfast table.
Albert
Yeah, please yerself, boy.
Albert caries the old white mug across to Rodney's
door and knocks.
Albert
(Calls)
Raquel! Cup of tea, love...
You awake? Raquel? I'll
leave it outside for you,
love.
He places the mug on the floor outside door and moves
towards lounge.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.DAY.
Del is seated at the table sipping his tea and reading
the papers. Albert enters.
Del
(Sniffing the air)
Something smells good,
Albert.
Albert
I'm just doing meself some
egg and bacon. What d'you
want for breakfast,
something healthy or
something nice?
Del looks disdainfully at the half of grapefruit, etc.
Del
Yeah, do us a fry-up. But
be a bit lively, though. I
don't want Raquel seeing.
She's into all this high-
fibre cobblers.
Albert
(About to enter
the kitchen)
You managed to have a talk
with young Rodney yet?
Del
(Busy reading the
newspaper)
What about?
Albert
What d'you mean, what
about? He's left his wife
and come back to live here!
Del
I know. But he's a full-
grown adult now, so what am
I supposed to say?
Albert
I don't know. You could
appeal to his common sense.
Del
Oh yeah? Then after lunch
I'll go out and find
Shergar!
Albert
It's no laughing matter.
Cassandra's gone to live
in a foreign country!
Del
No, she ain't! She's gone
to Spain. She's only there
for a week. Her and her
mum are just getting away
from it all at the family
villa. Talking of their
family villa, I'm family
now, ain't I? I could do
with a break. I'm having a
drink with Cassandra's
dad tonight. I'll have to
have a word with him.
Albert
He's down the pub every
night boozing!
Del
Cassandra's dad?
Albert
I'm talking about Rodney!
Del
Oh, gonna say, Alan's
teetotal. Having a drink
with him is like going on
a pub crawl with Betty
Ford. Look, you don't
wanna worry about Rodney.
He's just a bit confused
at the moment.
Albert
Yeah, he looked a bit
confused when he come in
last night. Confused as a
newt! Still, at least
he's making a bit of
effort.
(Indicates settee)
Look, he made his bed
before he went a work.
Del
Er... actually, Unc, Rodney
didn't sleep on the settee
last night.
Albert
(Too loud for
comfort)
Where'd he sleep then?
Del
(Reacting to the
loudness)
He slept in his old room.
Albert
I thought Raquel slept in
there!
Del cringes at the loudness of this conversation.
Del
Er... No!
Albert
(OOV)
Where'd she sleep then?
Del
(Mumbles)
I don't believe him!!
(Calls)
She slept... er... somewhere
else.
Albert
Oh I see!
Del breathes a sign of relief, believing Albert now
understands the situation.
Albert
Where?
Del
Gordon Bennett!
(Calls)
If you could raise your
voice by half a decibel
they might be able to ear
you in the Doodoyne!
Albert enters from kitchen carrying a plate of sausage,
egg, bacon, etc.
Albert
You mean she slept with
you.
Del
Well... Yes! Here, don't
you go saying nothing to
her about it!
Albert
Don't she know, then?
Del
I mean, it might embarrass
her!
Albert
No wonder you're looking so
chirpy!
Albert laughs.
Del
That laugh! Sounds like
someone trying to push-start
a Lada!
Albert
Here y'are, you can have my
breakfast, build yer
strength up. I'll cook
meself another one.
Del
Cheers, Albert, you're a
lifesaver. Lovely Jubbly!
Raquel enters from the bedroom area, dressed casually for
shopping. Del quickly pushes his plate of food over to
Albert and pulls the grapefruit to him. Raquel moves to
table.
Raquel
Morning, Albert.
Albert
Morning, love. Nice to see
you back on yer feet.
Raquel looks to Del.
Del gives a facial shrug which says 'Yes, I've told him.'
Albert
D'you feel up to a bit of
breakfast?
Raquel
No thanks.
(Referring to
Albert's breakfast)
I don't know how you can
eat that sort of rubbish,
Albert.
Del
The Trotter family have
been eating that sort of
rub... food for generations.
Albert
It never did us any harm.
My dad lived 'til he was 81.
Del
81, see? That's a good age.
Albert
It weren't for him. He
died!
Del
Yeah, I know. I meant...
blimey! Raquel's right. I
can't eat fried food any
more. Gimme a nice
grapefruit anyday.
Raquel
Good, that's what I like to
hear. You've got some egg
on your chin.
Del just about resists swearing at being caught out by
such a silly mistake. He wipes the evidence away.
Raquel
A doctor told you to stay
off fried food!
Del
Yes, and a doctor told Snow
White to eat more fruit,
and look what happened to
the poor cow! Alright, I
know you're concerned for
me, sweetheart, and I'm
grateful. I'll leave it
alone in future. Are you
eating?
Raquel
No, I wanna get down to the
shops before they're too
packed.
Del
Come on, I'll drive you
down there. I've gotta load
of printing to deliver to
Boycie. See you later,
Albert. And you know what
you can do with that
rubbish!
(Quietly)
Put it in the oven - in the
oven.
Del, carrying his filofax and mobile phone, and Raquel
exit to hall and front door. Front door closes. Albert
is about to carry the plate into the kitchen when the
door to the bedroom area opens and Rodney pops his head
in. He looks typically hung-over - hair a mess, stubble
and the whites of his eyes a light shade of crimson. He
is wearing boxer shorts, socks and an 'I ran the world'
T-shirt.
Rodney
Del gone to work?
Albert
Yeah. I thought you had as
well!
Rodney
No, I... er... I sort of
overslept when I woke up.
Albert
D'you want some breakfast?
Rodney
Yeah, I wouldn't mind a...
Rodney has seen the remains of Del's breakfast and he
reacts.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Ah, God! A glass of orange-
'll do.
Albert exits to kitchen with plate.
Albert
You'd better get a move on,
Rodney, it's gone nine.
Rodney
Well, to be honest, Unc, I
don't feel well enough to
go today. Would you ring
'em and say I won't be in?
Albert
(OOV)
What's wrong with you,
then?
Rodney
(Holding head)
It's me stomach. It's sorta
aching.
Rodney picks up phone and begins tapping out numbers.
Rodney
I think I've got a viral
condition. There's a lot
of it about.
Albert enters from the kitchen minus the plate.
Albert
Yeah, especially among the
regulars at the Nag's
Head.
Rodney
I have not got a hangover
if that's what you're
thinking! Alright, I had a
drink last night.
Albert
And the night before, and
the night before that!
Albert takes the phone from Rodney.
Rodney
Oh shuddup! Ask for the
personnel department.
Albert
(On phone)
Oh, hello. Could I have the
personnel department,
please?
(To Rodney)
They wouldn't have the likes
of you in the armed forces.
Rodney
Let's me out of World War
Three then, dunnit?
Albert
(On phone)
Oh, good morning. I'm
calling on behalf of Rodney
Trotter. He won't be into
work today because he's...
eh? What d'you mean, 'Who
is he'?
(To Rodney)
Who are you?
Rodney
Who am I? The cheeky...
Tell her I'm the ead... the
head of the computer
section!
Albert
(On phone)
He's the head... the head of
the computer section!
Now Albert chuckles at some-
thing the other person has
said.
Albert
Yeah, that's him!
Rodney looks up through bleary eyes with a 'what the hell
are they laughing at?' expression.
Albert
Well, he won't be into work
today. He's got a bellyache.
Rodney
(Horrified, mouthing
the words)
Bellyache?
Albert
(On phone)
Don't know, dear. He might
be a bit egg-bound.
Rodney
(Turning away
cringing)
Oh God!
Albert
(On phone)
Yes, thank you, dear. Bye.
(To Rodney)
Alright?
Rodney
Alright? What d'you mean,
alright? Why d'you tell her
I've got a bellyache?
Albert
That’s' what you've got,
innit?
Rodney
No, it is not!
Albert
You said you had an ache.
Rodney
I have!
Albert
In yer belly?
Rodney
Yes!
Albert
Well, ain't that a belly-
ache?
Rodney
No!
Albert
Well, I must have got the
wrong end of the stick,
Rodney!
Rodney
Bellyaches are what you
have when you're tryna get
out of schools sports day!
Head of computer sections
have viral conditions!
Albert
Well, whatever it is, they
know you won't be in today.
Rodney
I don't think I can ever go
there again for the rest of
my life! Egg-bound!
Del's voice is heard from hall.
Del
Albert, where have I left
the keys to my van?
Del enters from hall.
Del
(Cont'd)
Quick, get that breakfast
on the ta...
Del is now surprised then suspicious as he sees Rodney.
Del
(Cont'd)
I thought you'd gonna work!
Albert
He's not going a work
today.
Del
Why not?
Albert
He's got a viral condition.
Del
What's that?
Rodney
A bellyache.
Del
Must have come on sudden,
Rodders! You weren't
feeling any pain at all
last night!
Rodney
I know what you're think-
ing!
Del
I bet you don't!
Rodney
Just 'cos I ad a couple of
drinks, you automatically
assume I've got a hangover!
Del
Have you looked in the
mirror this morning? Well,
I tell you, Rodney, you
are not the fairest in the
land! You look like you've
just come back from a Club
18-30 trip to Chernobyl!
Rodney
Chernobyl's not too far
from the truth! My love
life has taken on a
distinctly Russian ambience
of late. Freezing bloody
cold and the goods rarely
turn up!
Albert
You don't wanna believe all
you hear about the Russians.
During the war...
A low moan of dismay from Del and Rodney.
Albert
(Cont'd)
... I was in the Soviet
Union for a while.
Rodney
Oh no, we're back in the
USSR!
Del
They wouldn't let you into
the Soviet Union! Gawd, they
wouldn't let you into the
plumbers' union!
Albert
I was dry-docked in Murmansk
for over a month! And I met
quite a few Russian girls -
and I'm telling you they
was hot stuff!
Rodney
Oh leave off, Albert!
Del
He could have a point,
Rodney. I mean, look at that
love-bite on old Gorbachev's
head!
Del and Albert laugh. Rodney starts to laugh but it hurts.
Del
Help us look for them keys,
Rodney. I've gotta drop
that stuff off at Boycie's.
Albert, iron that pink
shirt of mine. I'm meeting
Alan for cocktails this
evening.
Rodney
Alan? What, Cassandra's
dad?
Del
Yes, Rodney. Your father-in
-law, your employer! I
don't know how much longer
he's gonna stand for your
old fun and games. How many
days you had off recently
with hangovers? You're
gonna push that man's
loyalty too far.
Rodney
I'm ill!
Del
Yeah, I'll tell him you've
got the two-bob bits.
Rodney
A viral condition sounds
better.
Del
And what do I say to him
about this situation with
you and Cassandra?
Rodney
Tell him I'm working on it.
Del
Oh that should cheer him
right up, shouldn't it?
Rodney stands and moves round the room looking for Del's
keys. Del notices Rodney's limp.
Rodney
Where d'you leave yer keys?
Del
I don't know. Have a look
in my bedroom.
(Now genuinely
concerned)
Rodney, bruv, d'you want me
to make an appointment with
the doctor?
Rodney
No, no, I'll be alright.
Del
But you're limping.
Rodney
Yeah, me sock's soaking wet.
Someone left a mug of tea
outside my door.
Del looks at Albert.
Albert gives an embarrassed grin then exits to
kitchen.
EXT. BOYCIE'S BACK GARDEN.DAY.
Duke is bounding around the finely manicured lawns
chasing a ball and barking. Boycie, wearing pyjamas and
dressing gown, is standing by his satellite dish and
studying it with a frustrated expression. He looks up
to the sky, as if checking the path of the next
satellite, and adjusts the dish accordingly. Marlene is
in the background putting Tyler into his buggy. She is
dressed for a day out.
Marlene
Are we going out for the day
or aren't we?
Boycie
Yes! We're going out for
the day! But I am waiting
for the engineers to call
to check this thing over.
They were supposed to be
here at nine. Look at it,
quarter to ten and no sign
of 'em! Del Boy was
supposed to bring my
printing round as well. I
suppose he's too busy
with that woman - what's
her name?
Marlene
Raquel.
Boycie
Yeah, the stripper.
Marlene
She is not a stripper! She's
an actress!
Boycie
Oh really? Well, the last
time I saw her she was
acting the part of a
stripper.
Boycie laughs. He adjusts the aerial again.
Marlene
Isn't it working yet?
Boycie
Yes, it's working. It's
just that I can't line it
up with the satellites.
(Looking skywards)
I mean, how am I supposed
to know where they are?
Marlene
You'd think they'd make
'em fly a bit lower,
wouldn't you?
Boycie
Well, it wouldn't be a bad
ide...
Marlene
(In babyish talk)
Look, Tyler. There's your
daddy playing with his new
toy. Doesn't he look
stupid?
Boycie
This is not a toy, Marlene!
You are looking at two
thousand pounds worth of
state-of-the-art technology!
Marlene
That didn't cost you two
thousand pounds! You got it
'ooky!
Boycie
(Cuts in quickly)
Ssshhh, ssshhh! For Gawd's
sake, Marlene! We've got a
chief inspector living next
door!
Marlene
I know. That's who you got
it off of. Why couldn't we
have got a cheap one from
Dixons like everyone else?
Boycie
Because this is not for
pleasure! This is a high-
tech investment in my
video-leisure company. This
thing can pick up the whole
of Scandinavia. I can then
record films of the more
adult variety and
distribute them among my
more discerning clients.
Marlene
You mean perverts.
Boycie
Well, if you wanna get
medical about it, yes!
Bronco, the decorator, calls from the front door.
Bronco
Boycie, you got a minute?
Marlene
(Referring to
Bronco)
He wants paying. And no
messing around! You pay him!
I know what a tight sod you
are. And be nice to him.
(Indicating temple)
You know he's had problems!
Boycie
Alright, I'll be nice to
him.
Boycie bends down as if to kiss Tyler.
Marlene
Don't get your face too
close. It scares him!
Boycie exits through open French doors.
EXT. BOYCIE'S FRONT GARDEN.DAY.
Bronco places a few dust sheets and pots outside front door.
Boycie, now irate, exits from front door.
Bronco
I've just finished.
Boycie
Oh you're finished alright.
Look what you've done to my
vestibule! There's paint
on me carpet, paint on the
chandelier, paint on me
chippendale telephone seat!
Bronco
You can't help a drop or
two of paint!
Boycie
A drop or two! It looks
like someone's held an
acid party in a Delux
warehouse!
Bronco
Well, I'm sorry you're
disappointed. What shall I
do with the bill?
Boycie
Stick it! Where the mice
won't get at it! I'm not
paying!
Bronco
Hang about, Boycie. We had
an agreement! You owe me
400 quid! We shook hands
on it.
Boycie
I know. I had to wash the
paint off afterwards! You
either adjust your fee to
take account of all the
damage, or contact my
solicitor. This is the
last time I have a cowboy
working on my property!
Bronco
I am not a cowboy!
Boycie
Not a cowboy! I've got
spur-marks on me grandfather
clock!
Boycie exits to house, slamming front door closed.
Del's van pulls into driveway. Bronco is now shouting
through the letterbox.
Bronco
I don't like being called a
cowboy! No one's ever
called me that before!!
Del
(Pleased to see
him)
Bronco!
Bronco
Oh, wotcher, Del.
Del
How's yer luck, pal?
Del approaches Bronco carrying his filofax and mobile
phone.
Bronco
I've just bin working for
Boycie, that's how bad it
is! You'll never guess.
That tight-arsed bark's
only refusing to pay me!
Accused me of being a
messy worker.
Del
Well, you are a bit sloppy,
ain't yer, Bronc? Mean,
look at them overalls.
Bronco
But I'm a painter and
decorator!
Del
I know, but I only sold 'em
to you Tuesday!
Bronco
I asked Sandra to run 'em
through the washing machine,
but the landlord's cut our
electric off.
Del
Landlord? I thought you
bought a little flat down
Lordship Lane?
Bronco
Building society evicted
us.
Del
So where are you now?
Bronco
We're in a bed-and-
breakfast hotel out near
the airport.
Del
Oh, well, handy if you like
planes, innit?
Bronco
Yeah, we're at the end of
the main runway.
Del
Cushy! Here, how's your
little Kylie these days?
Bronco
She broke her arm.
Del
No!
Bronco
Climbed up on a chair to
look at a plane.
Del
It's a bit grim, ain't it,
Bronco?
Bronco
Maybe I should tell Boycie,
eh? Give him a sob-story.
Del
A sob-story to Boycie!
That's the man who cheered
when Bambi's mum died!
Bronco
I don't understand my luck
lately. If it can go wrong,
it's gone wrong! A roof I
re-tiled has just
collapsed. Last week I
rewired a bloke's flat,
yesterday it caught fire...
Oh, by the way, here's my
business card in case you
ever want anything done.
Del
Cheers, I'll keep it handy.
Del screws the card up and throws it behind him without
Bronco seeing.
Bronco
I've worked hard to build
up this business, and I've
always led an honest life.
Well, I've kept out of
trouble for the last five
years, ain't I?
Del
Oh yeah. But being banged
up in Wandsworth prison
helped, didn't it?
Bronco
And why did I go away?
Del
Because you have a tendency
to nick stupid things! I
mean, you were caught
speeding down Streatham
High Road in a knocked-off
JCB! Look, mate. You've got
a few, you know, problems,
and...
Bronco
What d'you mean, problems?
Del
Well, that psychiatrist
said you had some sort of
paranoia.
Bronco
You can't take any notice
of him, Del. He always had
it in for me.
Del
Yeah, didn't think of that.
(Producing a wad
of money)
Listen, Bronco, d'you wanna
few quid to tide you over?
Bronco
No. Nice of you, Del. I'll
get me money one way or
the other. See you around.
Del
If you need any help, give
us a bell... Stay lucky.
Del winces at what he has just said. Bronco drives out
in his van. Del rings front door bell. Boycie opens
door.
Del
I've brought your printing
round.
Boycie
He's gone, has he? Good.
He's been decorating my
vestibule - made quite
a good job of it, as it
happens. I'm well pleased.
Del
(Astounded)
But you've refused to pay
him!
Boycie
No, no, Del Boy. I've
refused to pay him the
agreed price. It's
principle. I kick up a
fuss, he don't want the
aggro or the publicity so
he knocks 50 per cent off
for good will. He gets a
living wage and I save
two hundred notes... It's
good business.
Del
But Bronco's got Sandra,
Kylie and Rachmann to keep
going!
Del opens back of van. It is loaded with cardboard boxes
on which is printed: 'Parry-Print'.
Boycie
(Gestures to
house)
Does this look like the
Social Security to you? I
mean, who is he, anyway?
Del
He's yer brother-in-law!
Boycie
D'you think I like having a
certified nutter working in
my house? I only give him
the job to help him out.
Talking of in-laws, it's
bloody handy Rodney working
for his father-in-law's
printing firm. I mean, look
at all this at half-price,
eh? Does Alan know about this?
Del
He wouldn't mind if he did.
Rodney is totally in charge
now. That firm couldn't
operate without him.
Boycie
Yes, I always had faith in
the boy.
Del
Yeah, so did I. You've
ordered a lot this time,
ain't yer?
Boycie
(Picking up one
of the boxes)
Yeah. I thought I'd get in
now before Rodney gets the
sack.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
The bar is sparsely crowded. Albert is playing the piano
- 'Red Sails in the Sunset' - but none of the customers
takes any notice. Mike, leaning on the counter and
looking in Albert's direction, appears to be in a
reflective mood. Trigger, in his suit, is seated at the
bar.
Mike
(To Trigger without
actually looking
at him)
I've been thinking about
getting one of them
electric pianos.
Trigger
Yeah? They sound a lot
better, don't they.
Mike
That's right. And you can
switch 'em off. Still, at
least my ban on his singing
has worked. Last night it
was Trotter the younger and
his dopey mates. Were you
here last night?
Trigger
Most probably.
Mike
There was Rodney, Mickey
Pearce and that Jevon,
dancing and poncing around
pretending to be Ninja
Turtles. They'd all had
far too much to drink.
Trigger
Don't want that sort of
thing in a pub, do yer?
Mike
No, you don't!
Albert starts singing the last verse.
Albert
Red sails in the sunset,
way out on the sea, oh
carry my loved one, safe
home to me.
Trigger
He's singing.
Mike
I know.
Trigger
Does he know you banned
him?
Albert takes a bow. One person applauds out of politeness
and he joins a couple of old boys playing dominos.
Del, now wearing a different suit and the pink shirt he
had asked Albert to iron earlier, enters carrying his
aluminium briefcase and the mobile phone.
Del
(To Mike and
Trigger)
Au revoir to you both.
Trigger
Del Boy.
Mike
What you having?
Del
Give us a peach daiquiri
and a chipolata sandwich.
Any sign of Alan? He's
supposed to be meeting me
here for a drink.
Mike
He ain't been in so far.
Trigger
(To Del)
Saw Boycie about 'arf an
hour ago. He didn't even
stop to say hello. Seemed
in a right mood.
Del
I bet Marlene's taken the
Velcro off his Y-fronts
again.
Alan enters, hurrying.
Alan
Sorry I'm late, Del. Pam
just phoned from the villa.
Del
No problem, Alan. What
are you drinking?
Alan
Just a tomato juice for me.
Del
Add a tomato juice to my
order, Mike. We'll be at
the table.
Alan
Del, you've most probably
been wondering why I
asked to meet you tonight.
Del
Been wondering? Well, of
course not! I couldn't
think of anything more
natural than relatives
having a drink together.
Alan
Relatives?
Del
You and me. We're family,
aren't we?
Alan
Well, we're... kind of
related - sort of.
Del
No sort of about it, Alan!
When your Cassandra
married a Trotter you all
became Trotters - maybe
not in the eyes of the
law, but certainly in the
eyes of my heart. Oh yes,
Alan, you are my family.
Anything of mine is yours
for the asking - and I'm
sure it works the other
way round... dunnit?
This villa of yours...
Alan
(Cuts in quickly)
What happened to Rodney
today?
Del
Rodney? Oh yes. He's got a
touch of viral condition.
Alan
Yeah, the lady in
personnel said he had the
two-bob bits.
Del
Oh, it's worse than that,
Alan. He really is very
poorly.
Alan
You called the doctor in?
Mike arrives with drinks.
Del
I wanted to but he just
wouldn't let me. It's his
uncle's influence.
Rodney's trying to be a
British bulldog.
Mike
Last night he was tryna be
a Ninja Turtle.
Del reacts.
Alan
D'you mean Rodney was down
here last night?
Mike
Down here? He was down
here, up there, all over
the place! Drunk as a sack,
he was! If he hadn't been
spending so much on drink
I'd have thrown him out.
Mike returns to the bar.
Del
This viral condition comes
on very sudden.
Alan
Alright, Del. Cards on the
table. This situation with
Rodney is what I really
came to see you about. So
tell me, what the hell is
happening?
Del
He's... he's drinking too
much and pretending he's
enjoying it.
Alan
That's why he's been having
so many days of work
recently.
Del
Yeah. Most of the time he's
feeling and looking
horrible. I've told him. If
he carries on much longer
he'll be a dead-ringer for
Keith Richards. I mean,
he looks like an extra
from Halloween already.
Alan
What d'you think's brought
it about?
Del
Who knows? Sorta life he's
been leading, I suppose.
Late nights, booze, women,
drugs.
Alan
Rodney?
Del
Oh Rodney! Oh sorry!
Thought you meant... Well,
it's obvious, innit? It's
this thing between him and
Cassandra.
Alan
Yeah, that's what I
feared. I always had such
high hopes of them two.
What with her experience
at the bank and all her
studies, Cassandra's had a
very good business
grounding and she's got an
alert mind and lots of
original ideas. And
Rodney's... Rodney's a
very trustworthy person.
Del
Oh he's a diamond, Alan, a
diamond.
Alan
Exactly. I'd always hoped
that one day I could leave
the business to them two
knowing that I'd left it
in good hands.
Del
Like a dream come true,
innit? I mean, you could
fall off the perch in
peace, couldn't you?
Alan
Well, I wasn't actually
talking about falling off
the perch, Del. I meant I
could retire.
Del
Oh, of course!!
Alan
Pam and I have always
planned to settle down in
our villa in the sun.
Del
You'd have no worries,
would yer? If Rodney and
Cassandra got in trouble
with the business I'd
always be round to take
control.
Alan
Er... well... we're about
the same age, Del, so by
that time you'd be retired
too.
Del
Didn't think of that...
Well, I could spend a few
months over in the villa
with you and Pam.
Alan
Oh yeah. Wait 'til I tell
her.
Del
You and Pam, me and Raquel.
You can just picture it,
can't yer?
Alan
Yeah.
Del
We'd have a right laugh.
Few sangrias, bit of fried
squid. Lambarda the night
away. Lovely Jubbly! Shall
we have a drink to
celebrate it?
Alan
No, no, I don't touch it
nowadays.
Del
Talking of your villa...
Mike calls from bar, holding telephone receiver up.
Mike
Del. Call for you.
Del
Who is it?
Mike
Someone called Blonco or
Bronco.
Del
Sorry about this, Alan.
It's a very, very
important business
associate of mine.
Mike
I'd hurry up if I was you.
He sounds like he's had a
skinful.
Del
(An embarrassed
smile to Alan)
Do excuse me.
Del goes to phone. Trigger turns to Alan.
Trigger
You never know what you've
got 'til it's gone.
Alan
Eh? Yeah, I suppose you're
right, Trig.
Trigger
I know how much it can
hurt. I had a relationship
break up a few years ago.
She worked at my council
depot.
Mike
She was a ladyroad-sweeper?
Trigger
Oh no! She was management -
real high-flier. You had to
go to her when you wanted a
new broom. Linda. Nice
girl. Had a funny eye.
Never knew if she was
looking at me or seeing if
the bus was coming. Anyway,
she heard about this
little hotel out near
Henley-on-Thames and she
said to me, 'How about
spending a weekend there?'
Trigger winks.
Mike and Alan are hanging on the next words.
Del
(On phone)
So what sorta money we talk-
ing? I'll pop round and have
a look at it, Bronc.
Mike
(To Trigger)
Yeah?
Trigger
What?
Alan
Well... Was it a nice
weekend?
Trigger
Yeah. Well, at least I
thought it was... but she
didn't wanna see me no
more after it.
Alan
Well... er... I don't like
to pry, Trig...
Mike
No, it's a bit personal.
Del
(Hand over the
mouthpiece of
phone)
What happened?
Trigger
She got jealous. I heard
later, through friends,
that she wanted to go with
me.
Alan
Give us a large scotch,
Mike.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/HALLWAY/BALCONY. DAY.
Raquel is hoovering the rugs. Del is talking to someone
on his mobile phone. The balcony doors are open.
Del is struggling to hear above the sound of the hoover.
Del
(On phone)
Eh? Speak up, Leroy.
Albert enters from the bedroom area. He points to a spot
on the floor in front of balcony doors.
Albert
There's still a bit of mud
and dirt over here, love.
Raquel
Thank you, Albert!
Albert
Pleasure, dear.
Albert exits to kitchen.
Del
(On phone)
Say it again, Leroy...
Eh?... Raquel, sweetheart.
Switch the J Edgar off,
will you? I'm on the mobile
blower.
Raquel
Sorry!
Raquel switches the hoover off.
Del
(On phone)
Now, what was you saying?
Eh? Can't hear you, Leroy!
Can you hear me? Eh?
(Mumbles)
Stuff this for a game of
soldiers.
(Pressing the OFF
button)
Oh dear, we got cut off.
Gawd knows what he wanted.
Raquel
Del. Can I ask you some-
thing?
Del
Anything you like, darling.
Raquel
Before I moved into this
flat how did you keep this
place clean?
Del
We didn't.
Raquel
What I'm trying to say is:
I seem to spend all my time
hoovering.
Del
Well, have a break. There's
a lot of ironing to be done
in the kitchen.
Del turns away, grinning.
He stares at mirror and splashes his face with after-
shave.
Raquel is smiling. She knows he's joking.
Raquel
For your sake I hope that's
a joke, Trotter! Otherwise
you'll be drinking that
aftershave!
Del
Sit down, put yer feet up.
I'll make us a nice cup of
tea... Albert, put the
kettle on and make some tea.
Rodney enters from hall, dressed in a suit and carrying
a briefcase. He is not in the best of moods.
Raquel
You home for lunch, Rodney?
Rodney
No. Alan's given orders for
me to go and pick Cassandra
up at the airport.
(To Del)
Oh by the way, I met Leroy
this morning. He was
complaining like mad about
that mobile phone you sold
him. I told him to give you
a ring.
Del
Oh right, thanks, bruv. So,
you had a little chat with
Alan?
Rodney
No, he left a message with
his secretary. Alan wasn't
at work today. He's got
some sort of virus.
Del
(Casual and
innocent)
Oh?
Rodney
Why's he want me to pick
Cassandra up?
Raquel
Well, I think it's a good
idea! It'll give you and
Cassandra a chance to have
a chat.
Rodney
I'm not talking to her! She
weren't talking to me
before she left, so I'm not
talking to her now!
Raquel
Oh, grow up, Rodney!
Rodney
It's nothing to do with
you, Raquel!
(At Del)
Or you!
Del
Don't have a pop at Raquel!
Rodney
Well, both of you stay out
of my life!
Rodney exits to balcony.
Del
That is one touchy little
sod, that is!
Raquel
Don't come down too hard on
him. He's going through a
bad patch.
Del
Yeah? He'll be going
through a bleed'n' window
if he don't mend his ways!
The front door bell rings.
Raquel
I'll get it.
Raquel exits to hall.
Raquel opens door to Boycie. They appear not to like
each other.
Boycie
Oh it's Raquel! You look so
different fully clothed.
Raquel
Hello, Boycie. I suppose
I've got to ask you in?
Boycie
Yes. I'd like to get away
as quick as possible. I've
left my Mercedes parked
downstairs and you know what
they're like on this estate.
They'd have the wheels off
a Jumbo if it flew too low.
Raquel
Well go on then, go in.
Boycie
You're too kind.
Cut to lounge.
Boycie and Raquel enter.
Del is still in a mood over Rodney.
Del
What d'you want?
Boycie
Oh dear. Do I detect an
atmosphere in chez Trotter?
Albert
It's most probably Del's
aftershave.
(Catches the glare
from Del)
I'll make the tea.
Albert exits to kitchen.
Raquel
I think I'll go out to the
balcony with Rodney. I
could do with the air.
(At Boycie)
I suddenly feel rather
nauseous.
Boycie reacts as Raquel exits to balcony.
Boycie
You've got one in a million
there, Del Boy.
Del
I know! So what brings you
round?
Boycie
Well, you may have heard,
Derek, that I recently
acquired a rather expensive
piece of electronic
hardware. A television
satellite aerial receiver.
Del
No, I didn't know.
Boycie
Oh yes. And I'm not talking
about one of these 150 quid
Mickey Mouse jobs you see
glued to the side of
reclaimed council houses
ruining he beauty of the
stone cladding. Oh no, I'm
talking two grand, hi-tech,
state-of-the-art
sophistication.
Del
Steady on, Boyce, you're
making me jealous.
Boycie
You're not the only one.
Yesterday some git nicked
it!
Del
You're kidding?
Boycie
When I went out in the
morning it was standing
there in my back garden.
When I come home later...
Del
It wasn't!
Boycie
You catch on fast, Del.
Del
So what you telling me for?
Boycie
Because the word is a very
similar satellite receiver
was seen entering this
estate tied to the back of
a lorry. So if any of
your... er... contacts
should offer you an almost
new aerial dish, then you
buy it for me as cheap as
possible. Offer 300, but
I'll go to 500 at a push.
Del
You wanna buy your own
property back? Why don’t
you go to the gendarmes?
Boycie
(Nervy)
I thought I'd save a lot of
time doing it this way.
Know what I mean?
Del
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I'll keep my ear to the
ground. If I ear anything
I'll give you a bell.
As Boycie moves to hall door, Raquel and Rodney enter
from balcony.
Boycie
Goodbye, Raquel. Glad to
see you've settled in so
well.
Raquel
Is your son about 11 years
old with a Mohican haircut?
Boycie
Good God, no!
Raquel
Well, who's that sitting in
your Mercedes?
Boycie reacts and exits through hall and front door.
Del and Rodney laugh at this.
Del
You feeling any better?
Rodney
Yeah. Sorry about just now.
Del
Forget it... What you gonna
do then?
Rodney
Dunno.
Raquel
D'you want your marriage
to work?
Rodney
Yeah.
Raquel
Really? Honestly?
Rodney
Yeah, really, honestly. I
want me and Cass to go
back to the way we used to
be. If she wants to pursue
her career and has to go
to functions and seminars
at the bank, then I don't
mind any more, I really
don't.
Del
Well, how about telling
her that? 'Revenons à nos
moutonst' as the guv'nor
of the Bastille said as
the flames licked round
his old April. It's French
for 'I've gotta do
something, quick!'
Rodney
With Cassandra, I had a
woman I loved. A woman who
said she loved me... Now I
find myself halfway
between paradise and
Nelson Mandela House... I
just want her to under-
stand and believe that I
mean what I say! I've
tried everything in my
power to convince her. I
feel as if I've taken the
mountain to Muhammad only
to find he's already
bloody got one!
Rodney's anger forces him up from chair to balcony.
Del, indicates Rodney and the fact that this should be a
private conversation.
Del
(To Raquel)
I'll er...
Raquel
Yeah, go on.
Del exits to balcony.
Rodney is leaning against the guardrail looking out at
the world. At this point we can see only half of the
balcony.
Del
Why do you think Alan asked
you to pick Cassandra up
from the airport?
Rodney
'Cos he weren't feeling
well.
Del
No. It's because Cassandra
and her mum have bin
sitting by their swimming
pool in Spain having the
same conversation that you
and me just had. She feels
exactly the same as you do.
Rodney
Cassandra?
Del
No, her mum! Of course
Cassandra!
Rodney
Really?
Del
Really... You've got some
money, ain't you?
Rodney, at first is emphatic, then remembers who asked
the question.
Rodney
Yeah, I've got money! Well,
you know, some!
Del
Well, I've got an idea. I
know the manager of a
luxury hotel not all that
far away from the airport.
I used to go there
sometimes during the mating
season. Now he could set
you up in the bestest suite
in the hotel, the full
works. So when Cassandra
flies in - all suntanned
and relaxed - you could be
waiting with a lovely
bouquet and the keys to the
bridal suite. A mini-
honeymoon - 18 months after
the first.
Rodney
D'you think it'll work?
Del
Yer best whistle, a splash
of Brut, you'll be home
and dry!
Rodney
Go on then, I'm game!
Del
Good boy. You know it makes
sense. I'll give him a
bell.
Rodney
Listen. You know I said
I've got some money? Well,
since I've been working for
Alan I've been doing really
well. I know you've been
struggling a bit lately, so
if you want any, it's
there.
Del
Oh, Rodders. You are the
jewel in Mum's crown,
Rodney, you really are!
Rodney
Oh shuddup!
Del
It's nice of you, bruv, and
I appreciate it. But I
ain't doing too bad. I've
got money coming in from
that half-price printing...
(Gesturing to the
unseen side of
balcony)
And I should make a nice
bit of bunce on this thing.
The other half of the balcony is taken up by a large
satellite aerial dish. Although it should look similar
to Boycie's dish there should be a few subtle
differences.
INT. A LUXURY HOTEL SUITE. NIGHT.
Only the bedside lights are on. The main door is
opened by Rodney, who is carrying his flight bag.
Rodney surveys the room and is pleased by what he sees.
Henry, the concierge, enters carrying a bottle of
champagne in a bucket of ice.
Henry
Good evening, Mr Trotter. I
am Henry, your concierge.
Your brother phoned and
said you would be requiring
our very finest suite,
complete and utter privacy
and a full English
breakfast.
Rodney
Oh yes, thank you.
Henry
As this booking is of an
intimate nature I think it
would help to maintain a
degree of privacy if we
dealt only in cash.
Rodney
Oh yes, of course.
Henry
That will be a hundred and
fifty pounds then.
Rodney
A hundred and f...! Oh
right, fine.
Rodney produces some notes from his wallet.
Henry
As a special surprise,
Derek also ordered
champagne on ice. Only the
finest champagne he said.
Money is no object.
Rodney
Oh that was nice of him.
Henry
That will be another
seventy pounds please.
Rodney
(Handing more
money over)
He can be very generous at
times, can't he?
Henry
I believe you have a guest
joining you?
Rodney
Yes.
Rodney begins testing the springs of the bed.
Henry
So it's a special evening?
Rodney
Yes. My wife will be land-
ing in about an hour.
Henry
I see. Well, don't worry,
if she should call at the
hotel, I'll say I've never
heard of you.
Rodney
No, you don't understand.
My wife is my guest.
Henry
Your wife? Oh well, it takes
all kinds! Would you like me
to order you a bouquet of
flowers?
Rodney
No thank you, my brother got
me a bouquet of flowers.
They're out in the va...
car.
INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE. NIGHT.
We see Rodney is standing in a large crowd at the
arrivals area. He is holding a large bouquet of pink
flowers. Rodney forces his way out of the crowd in the
arrivals area and makes his way across to an information
desk. In front of the desk travelers are demanding
information. Behind the desk the ground staff are trying
to deal with customers as best as possible. Rodney calls
to a stewardess who is talking on phone.
Rodney
Excuse me, miss.
Stewardess
Just one moment, sir.
(On phone)
I'm afraid the flight from
Geneva has been cancelled,
madam... I shouldn't think
it will be arriving until
sometime tomorrow... I'm
very sorry.
(Replaces receiver.
To Rodney)
Can I help you , sir?
Rodney
Have you any idea when
flight 475 from Malaga will
be arriving?
Stewardess
I'll just check.
She punches up some information on the computer screen.
Stewardess
(Cont'd)
475... That flight should
be landing in about ten
minutes, sir.
Rodney
Oh good.
Stewardess
In Manchester.
Rodney
Manchester?
Stewardess
I'm afraid it was rerouted.
Rodney
But I'm waiting for my
wife! I've got a hotel
suite - I've got a bottle
of champagne - I've spent
nigh on 200 quid waiting
for this flight!
Stewardess
I'm very sorry, sir. As you
can see, the airport's in
absolute chaos at the
moment. Your wife was lucky
to take off at all.
The phone rings. She answers.
Stewardess
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Information, can I help
you?
Rodney turns away, shoves the bouquet into a litter bin
and walks towards the exit doors.
INT. NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
A disconsolate Rodney is seated at table having just
returned from the airport. He is eating a packet of pork
scratchings. Raquel is seated next to him and trying to
cheer him up. Del is at the bar ordering a drink.
Trigger is seated further along the bar.
Raquel
The important thing is she
landed safely.
Rodney
Yes, in Manchester! I mean,
so much for my surprise!
Nearly 250 quid it cost me!
I thought by now me and
Cassandra would be sitting
in our honeymoon suite
sipping champagne and...
and looking at her holiday
snaps. D'you know how much
tonight cost me?
Raquel
About 250 quid.
Rodney
Two hundred and fifty quid
it cost!
Cut to bar.
Del
Michael. Give us an non-
alcoholic lager for the
stud over there.
Del indicates Rodney.
Mike
What's up with him tonight?
Looks like he's just come
back from a funeral.
Mike places the open bottle of lager on counter.
Del
In a way he has! I can't
say too much, Mike. It's
all very personal and
private. Let's just say
Rodney thought he would be
enjoying the fruits of
love and he's ended up
with a packet of pork
scratchings. Raquel and
moi will have a glass each
of your very finest
cognac.
Mike
Celebrating something, are
we?
Del
At this very moment,
Michael, I have 500 smack-
eroonies en route to this
pub tucked up safely in
Boycie's pocket.
Mike
Boycie's paying out 500
notes? What's happened? He
had a whack on the head or
something?
Del
We'll say no more about it,
Michael - wheels within
wheels - pour passer le
temps, as they say in Nice.
Keep the change, Mike.
Del takes the drinks to the table.
Del
There you go.
Rodney
Cheers. I had such high
hopes for tonight.
Del
I know. I could see it when
you walked in.
Rodney
Thanks for ordering that
champagne on ice, Del.
Del
No problem, bruv. He gave
you the best stuff, didn't
he?
Rodney
Oh yes, 70 quid's worth.
Del
Good. A lady like Cassandra
only deserves the best.
Bloody pity she's up in
Manchester, innit?
Rodney
Yes, it is.
Raquel
Still, you can talk to her
tomorrow. And she'll know
you went out to the airport
to meet her, her dad'll
tell her.
Rodney
Yeah, that's true. At least
I made the gesture and
that's what counts.
Albert enters and joins them.
Albert
Cassandra's up north.
Rodney
I know she is! How'd you
know?
Albert
She just phoned from
Manchester airport, wanted
you to know she was safe
and not to worry.
Raquel
Where'd you say Rodney was?
Albert
I said he was spending the
night at some hotel.
Del
But did you tell her which
hotel?
Albert
I couldn't remember its
name so I gave her the
phone number.
Rodney
But you told her I'd gone
to meet her at the airport?
Albert
Of course not! It was
supposed to be a surprise!
Rodney and Del speak together.
Rodney
You daft old sod.
Del
You garrity old git!
Rodney
She'll phone the hotel to
discover that I've booked
the honeymoon suite in the
name of Mr and Mrs Trotter!
Del
She'll think he's gone
caseo with some tart for
the night! I don't know how
you're gonna talk your way
out of this one, Rodney.
Rodney
If you hadn't suggested
booking into a hotel for
the night, none of this
would have happened!
Del
I didn't hear you object
too much! It was your
hormones that were on
turbo, not mine!
Raquel
Look, why don't you phone
Alan? He's bound to speak
to her soon so he can
explain.
Rodney
Good idea, Raquel. I'm
going back to the flat to
phone him.
Del
You can use my mobile.
(Pause)
Best go back to the flat
and phone him.
Raquel
You can give me a lift
back, Rodney.
(To Del)
You coming?
Del indicates counter where Boycie has just arrived.
Del
Not yet, sweetheart. My
money's just walked in.
Rodney, Raquel and Albert exit.
Del joins Boycie.
Del
Don't hand over that 500
quid over in full view of
everyone - I've heard
intensive care ain't all
it's cracked up to be.
Boycie
You're in no danger what-
soever, Del Boy. I ain't
handing you a penny.
Del
Now just a minute, Boycie!
I got your satellite dish
back for you.
Boycie
No, you didn't, Del. At
this very moment in time,
my satellite dish is
standing in my back
garden and picking up a
very exciting episode of
Wagon Train from Helsinki.
Del
But you said it had been
nicked!
Boycie
That's what I thought. But
I discovered this evening
that, while Marlene and I
were out for the day, the
engineers took it away for
repair.
Del
Well, what's that thing
I've got on my balcony?
Boycie
I don't know, Del. And to
be perfectly honest I
couldn't give a monkey's
toss.
Boycie walks away laughing.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. BALCONY. NIGHT.
Albert is seated in armchair trying to correct the fuzz-
ing and sissing on the TV screen. Rodney is on the phone
waiting for his call to be answered. Raquel is scanning
a black address and phone book (Del's little black
book). Del, an exotic cocktail in hand, is pacing the
floor in agitation.
Rodney
(Impatiently on
phone)
Come on, Alan, answer!
Raquel
I can't find anyone called
Bronco in your address
book.
Del
Even if you found his name
it'd do no good. He moved
a little while ago.
Raquel
There's a lot of women in
here.
Del
Eh? Oh, just acquaintances.
Raquel
Why have you put stars by
some of their names?
Del
(Shrugs innocently)
Gawd knows. Long time ago.
(Snatching book
from her)
Let me have a look.
Rodney switches the phone off.
Rodney
He's not in. I bet he's
driving up to Manchester to
pick Cassandra up. I can
just see it all now. She'll
tell Alan I've booked into
a hotel with another woman
- he'll sack me.
Cassandra'll divorce me...
(To Albert)
... and it's all your
fault!
(To Del)
And yours!!
Del
Oh shuddup, you tart! I've
problems of me own.
Albert
So have I! I just cannot
get a picture from your
satellite dish!
Del
Just leave the telly alone,
will yer? I've gotta get in
touch with Bonco, find out
where the idiot got that
receiver from.
Albert
I thought you said he gave
you his card.
Del
He did. And I filed it
somewhere behind Boycie's
geraniums.
Rodney
If only that airport hadn't
been in such a mess her
plane would have landed at
Gatwick and everything
would have been great. I
bet the air-traffic
controllers have gone on
strike in France again.
Del
That's it, Rodney, that's
where he's moved to.
Raquel
France?
Del
No, Gatwick! He's in some
little bed-and-breakfast
hotel.
Raquel
But you can't remember
what it was called?
Del
No. It was named after
someone famous.
Rodney
Well, that's narrowed it
right down, hasn't it?
Uncle, would you pop in my
room and fetch my 37
volumes of famous
historical characters?
We'll soon have this
sorted out, Del Boy.
Del
Don't get bloody sarky
with me, Rodney! A
painter! That's it, it was
named after a painter!
Well, come on, Bamber,
this is your area.
Rodney
Yeah, alright. A painter...
Michelangelo?
Del
No.
Raquel
Rembrandt? Picasso?
Del
No, no.
Rodney
Rubens? Van Gogh?
Del
No.
Rodney
Botticelli?
Del
No.
Raquel
Turner?
Del
No, no. A famous French
painter.
Rodney
A French painter? Why
didn't you say he was
French?
Del
I just told you he was
French!
Rodney
Bloody 'ell!
Raquel
Monet?
Del
No.
Rodney
Manet?
Del
She just said that!
Rodney
No, she said Monet.
Del
That's what I mean! Pay
attention, Rodney.
Albert
Adolf Hitler used to be a
painter.
Raquel
I don't bel...! How long's
he been French?
Rodney
And who in their right mind
would call their place the
Hotel Hitler?
Raquel
A famous French painter.
Lautrec?
Del
No.
Rodney
Renoir?
Del
No! French!
Rodney
Degas, Boudin, Pissaro,
Seurat, Tissot?
Del
(A moment's
hesitation)
No!
Albert
Schubert.
Raquel
Schubert?
Rodney
Schubert! You soppy old...
Del
(Cuts in)
That's it! The Hotel
Schubert!
Raquel
Schubert?
Del
Well done, Unc.
(Scanning Yellow
Pages)
I don't know, he's got all
these GCEs and it takes an
old sea dog to come up
with the answer.
Rodney
You said a French painter!
Schubert weren't French!
Del
No?
Rodney
And he weren't a painter!
Del finds the number in the Yellow Pages.
Del
Ah, here it is!
Del starts punching out numbers on the phone.
Raquel
(To Albert)
Schubert was a German
composer!
Albert
Austrian, actually.
Rodney
How did you know?
Del
Shut up! I'm on the blower.
(On phone)
Oh good evening. Could you
put me through to Mr Lane's
room, please? Thank you.
Raquel
Shall we just leave the
satellite dish and watch
the ordinary telly?
Rodney
Yeah, let's watch the news.
They might have another
report on the ecological
destruction of our planet
- anything to cheer me up.
Del
(On phone)
Bronco? It's Del Boy.
Listen, pal, about that
satellite dish you sold me.
Where exactly... eh? What
you apologizing for?
Alright, alright, you were
desperate and you had a
funny turn. I can under-
stand that. Rodney's
living back with us...
Well, of course I know
what it is! It's obvious
what it is! It's a
satellite receiver! What
d'you mean, that's what
you thought as well?
Bronco, why you crying?
It's a what? Where the
hell'd you get it from?
Oh my God! Oh hell's
bloody bells!
Del switches phone off in state of shock.
Albert
So where's he get it from?
Del
Eh? He can't remember.
Raquel
Del, look here. Look at
this.
Raquel is watching the news on TV. Without taking her
eyes from the screen she gestures for the others to come
and look. Richard Whitmore is reading the news.
On the news, a photograph of the same dish Del has on the
balcony appears on the screen.
Richard
The radar transmitter dish
similar to the one shown
here, was stolen from the
end of Gatwick's main
runway in the early hours
of yesterday morning. The
theft brought Gatwick
airport to a standstill
and has caused chaos
throughout Europe and left
thousands of returning
holiday-makers stranded.
Rodney, Albert and Raquel turn and look at Del. Del
grins sheepishly and shrugs.
Raquel
You caused that! You've
brought Europe - a whole
continent - to a standstill!
Del
I didn't mean to!
Rodney
That's why Cassandra's
plane couldn't land. That's
why she's stuck at
Manchester airport instead
of in my honeymoon bed!
And that's why my marriage
is all but finished!
Del
Haven't you ever made a
mistake? I mean, you
thought it was an aerial
dish an' all, didn't you?
Cut to balcony.
Del and Rodney enter from lounge and stare at the dish.
Del
(Now desperate)
I'll tell you what I'll do,
Rodders. I'll give it back
tomorrow!
We now hear the sound of a jet airliner somewhere in the
night sky. Immediately two lights (red and yellow) some-
where on dish begin flashing alternately. An electronic
buzzing noise is unheard, as if the machine has come
alive. The dish now swivels around as if lining up with
the incoming plane.
Del and Rodney are horrified. They look skywards towards
the approaching jet. They now look back at the dish and
realise it has homed in on the plane.
Del screams to Raquel and Albert in lounge.
Del
Switch it off!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.