INT. DAY. AN ARNDALE CENTRE.
We hear Del and Albert (00V).
Albert
This is no life for an old
war hero.
Del
(Couldn't give a
toss)
No, I know.
Albert
I fought for this country.
Del
Yeah? How did you get on?
Albert
I wish Rodney was still
working with you.
Del
I never thought I'd hear
myself say it, but so do I.
Listen to me Albert, I
don't ask much of you, do
I? Cook a little bit of
grub. Sweep up my apartment
and occasionally, just
occasionally, act as my
lookout.
Albert
It's alright for you. I
ain't had no lunch and your
suitcase is giving me
backache.
Del
I ain't had no lunch either
and your moaning's giving
me heartache. Now shut up
and get over there.
We see Del and Albert coming up the escalator, inside the
shopping mall. Del is wearing his green trenchcoat, and
has the suitcase by his side. Albert is wearing his
duffle coat.
Albert
What are we waiting for?
Del
What do you mean? I'll tell
you what we're waiting for.
The security people change
shifts at midday and the
new lot always start on the
top floor. Now come on,
come on. Let's go.
They move off.
Albert
What you got in that
suitcase, then? Hooky gear?
Del
(Deeply offended)
How dare you! I don't deal
in that sort of stuff -
least not since Raquel's
been with me - I can't get
her involved in anything
like that.
Albert
So what you worried about?
Del
I am an unlicensed trader.
Many moons ago I had an
unfortunate misunder-
standing with a magistrate
who took the law into his
own hands and banned every
council in London from
issuing me with a licence.
So I've gotta flog where
and when I can.
Albert
Well can I go an' get
something to eat?
Del
No you can't, you're my
lookout! Anyway, Raquel's
making us something when
we get back later.
Albert
But I'm hungry now!
Del
(Hands him a
fiver)
Go on then, go an' get us
a couple of hamburgers.
Albert
I'm taking no chances. Say
I caught mad cow disease!
Del
Don't worry about that! I
mean, who the hell would
notice?
Albert reacts.
INT. DAY RODNEY'S OFFICE.
Rodney is seated at his desk punching something out on
his computer keyboard. He leans back in his chair and
rubs his stomach as he suffers hunger pains. He opens
his briefcase, produces a paper bag and pulls out a
couple of limp sandwiches. He looks at the sad
sandwiches and then throws them in the bin. He looks
out through the glass partition to where his secretary,
Michelle, is seated. He presses button on his intercom.
We cut to Michelle's desk. We hear the intercom buzz.
We now see Michelle is wearing walkman headphones and
is listening to music as she busily files her long
nails. The intercom buzzes again. Finally, through the
glass partition we see Rodney leave his desk, exit
from office and approach Michelle.
Rodney
Michell... Michelle!
(He switches the
walkman off)
Are you going to the
hamburger bar in the
precinct during your
lunch hour?
Michell
No.
Rodney
You're new here and I
don't think you've caught
the gist of my question.
You see, I'm the head of
the computer section and
you are the secretary to
the head of the computer
section. And when the
head of the computer
section asks the
secretary to the head of
the computer section
whether she's going to
the hamburger bar in the
precinct, the head of
the computer section
means, 'Go to the
hamburger bar in the
precinct because the head
of the computer section
is starving bloody
hungry!'
Michelle
You want me to go to the
hamburger bar?
Rodney
If it's not too much
trouble. I'd like the
juiciest, greasiest
hamburger they have on
offer.
Michelle
But you've got Mr Coleman
from Classic curtains
coming to see you in a
little while.
Rodney
Yes, I know. That's why I
can't get out to lunch and
need something bringing
in.
Michelle
No, what I'm trying to say
is, do you want to invite
Mr Coleman, an important
client, into an office that
stinks to high heaven of
fried onions and grease?
Rodney's mouth attempts an answer but his brain stops it.
Rodney
Michelle, it's my office...
Thank you very much,
Michelle. You carry on with
what you were doing.
(Indicating her
long nails)
They look very nice. You'd
make Freddy Kruger dead
jealous.
Rodney moves to the window. Rodney looks from is window
and reacts. From his POV we see Raquel approach and
stop at a bus stop which is close to the office window.
She carries two heavy bags of groceries. Rodney opens
the window and calls.
Rodney
Raquel! How you doing?
Raquel
Hi, Rodney!
Rodney
D'you fancy a coffee?
Raquel
(She indicates
groceries)
I've got to get this stuff
home.
Rodney
Come in, I'll get one of
the drivers to give you a
lift.
Raquel
You sure?
Rodney
Of course. I'll put the
kettle on.
Rodney pulls window to and then mumbles to himself.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
She's got bags of food!
I'll mug her.
INT. DAY. ARNDALE CENTRE.
We come up on Del biting into a big greasy hamburger.
Albert is seated next to him, just finishing his
hamburger.
Albert
You ready then?
Del
No, no, no, not yet!
Selling is all about
timing. You ever seen one
of them nature programmes
on the BBC, with Richard
Attenborough, where a
lion is lying in the
undergrowth, watching a
flock of antelopes? Well
they...
Cut to shot of hundreds of shoppers passing through the
centre.
Del
...they are my antelopes.
And just like the lion, I
know when the time is
right. I instinctively
know when the optimum
moment arrives and only
then, will I strike.
Albert
(Nods understand-
ingly)
Yeah... During the war...
Del cuts straight in. Throwing hamburger in litter bin.
Del
Right, here we go then!
You get to your lookout
position over there.
Albert
And what d'you want me to
do?
Del
What d'you mean, 'What do
I want you to do? I want
you to get over there in
your lookout position and
lookout!
Albert
I meant, if I see the
security blokes coming what
shall I say?
Del
I don't particularly care.
Shout, 'there she blows,
ship ahoy, man overboard'
for all I care. As long as
I don't get my collar felt.
Blimey, this 'hands-on
management' gives me the
right 'ump sometimes!
(Indicating case)
Here, get that up here.
Look, we should do well
with this stuff. They'll be
falling over themselves to
get their hands on this top
quality gear.
Del opens his suitcase. We see it is filled with seven
or eight children's dolls. Albert moves to his lookout
position.
INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE.
Raquel is seated at desk, drinking coffee. Rodney is
talking on phone.
Rodney
(On phone)
Yeah, thanks a lot. She's
just finishing her coffee.
Give us ten minutes.
(Replaces receiver)
Your van awaits.
Raquel
Oh thanks.
Rodney
So you and Del are still
coming round for dinner next
week?
Raquel
So long as it's still alright
with you and Cassandra.
Rodney
Oh yeah, we're looking
forward to it. Sorry it's
taken so long to invite you.
We kept meaning to pop in
and say hello. Del phoned me
to say you were back in town
and liv... liv... em... st
... staying at the flat with
him... and Albert. When'd
you get back?
Raquel
A couple of weeks ago. I was
over in America, having a
great time when suddenly I
thought...
Rodney
(Cuts in)
Hold on a minute, you were
in America?
Raquel
Didn't Del say?
Rodney
No.
Raquel
Oh it was wonderful. We were
doing this tour of My Fair
Lady down the East coast. I
was the flower-seller.
Rodney
(Hides his smile)
Cosmic!
Raquel
Yeah, alright - it was very
cheap and cheerful but I was
seeing the world and getting
paid. We did Atlantic City,
Miami, New Orleans. Then
suddenly I get this sort of
urge to come home.
All the references to Del are said in jokey but loving
way.
Rodney
What, to Del?
Raquel
Yes, to Del.
Rodney
I wouldn't come home from
New Orleans to see Del! I
wouldn't come home from
the New Forest to see Del!
Raquel
Oh, you don't see him the
way I do. He's lovely.
Rodney
There are many words I
could use to describe Derek
Trotter but lovely is not
one of them... How's the
old sod keeping?
Raquel
He's fine. He seems - I
don't know - quieter then
when I first met him.
Rodney
Del? Raquel, some years ago
Del joined a monastery and
took a vow of loudness!
Raquel
Oh that's not fair. He has
changed. He's not so loud
and brash as he used to be.
INT. DAY. ARNDALE CENTRE.
We come up on Del who is holding up a child's doll and
spieling as he demonstrates its various functions.
Del
(Loud and brash)
Right. Gather round. You
all know me, ladies, the
crusader against inflation,
here to offer you yet
another bargain of a life-
time! These beautifully
manufactured little toys
retail around the thirty-
six quid mark up Oxford
Street, but you all know
my motto: 'West End goods
at Southend prices'. Now
normally I'd ask you ten
pounds for one of these
exquisite, little toys,
and you'd tear me arm off
at the elbow to get it -
but I'm not asking ten
pounds, I'm not asking
eight pounds! Seeing as
I'm in a festive mood I'm
letting 'em go at the
rock-bottom, never to be
repeated price of seven
pounds fifty. Give the
chavvies a Christmas to
remember. This is none of
your foreign junk, these
are hand-made in Britain
and recognised by the toy
industry as being the most
life-like dolls ever seen.
(Feeds doll with
tiny bottle and
teat)
They are so life-like they
drink from a bottle, the
wet themselves, they speak,
they cry and if you keep
'em 'til they're thirteen
the break out in acne and
wanna go to Bros concerts!
Would I lie to you? I'll
tell you another feature
of this doll. They even
sing themselves to sleep
with a bedtime lullaby.
Listen.
Del presses an unseen button on doll's back. We now
hear one of those robotic voice-boxes. It sounds like
a small child singing a Chinese lullaby. Del reacts
to the Chinese lullaby - this is something he hadn't
reckoned on. We see some of the women laughing and
turning away from Del.
Del switches doll off. Thinking on his feet.
Del
And they can help your
child learn a foreign
language. Very important
with 1992 approaching!
(Desperate as the
crowd disperses)
Alright, a fiver! Come on,
gimme a fiver!
(To the doll)
Big mouth!
INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE.
Rodney and Raquel continue their conversation and coffee.
Raquel
(Half-laughing at
Del's problems)
He's having a lot of trouble
with the exhaust pipe on
the van. It's got a hole in
it.
Rodney
Oh that's a shame. The
exhaust was the only decent
thing on it.
They laugh at this.
Raquel
So how are things with you
and Cassandra?
Rodney
(His laughter dies.
Now on his guard)
How d'you mean?
Raquel
I mean are you both well?
Rodney
Oh, yeah, great!
Raquel
Is Cassandra still studying
hard for promotion?
Rodney
Yes - she's still a very
ambitious lady.
Raquel
So married life suits you?
Rodney
Yep... Come on then, what's
Del been saying?
Raquel
He hasn't said anything,
honest! Well, alright, he
mentioned that you'd had a
couple of rows. Once when
you upset Cassandra's boss
and his wife.
Rodney
That was nothing! It was a
misunderstanding, that's
all. Three minutes after
it happened we were all
laughing at it!
Raquel
Del said she chucked you
out.
Rodney
Only for a couple of days.
Raquel
Then another time Cassandra
went back to her parents.
Rodney
Yes. But that was nothing
either! We're happy.
Raquel
That's what I wanted to say
to you. I know it's none of
my business, Rodney - it's
just that I've had a
marriage break up and I
know how these things can
start. A lot of people
think a marriage comes
complete with gift-wrapping.
But it doesn't - it comes
in kit-form - you've got to
work at it.
Before Rodney can answer Alan enters brandishing a file
of papers.
Alan
Excuse me, Rodney, I've just
noticed we're doing more of
this cheap printing for Del!
We are not running a charity
organisation.
(Notices Raquel)
Excuse me...
Rodney
No, no, Alan. Let me
introduce you. Raquel, this
is Alan, my boss and father
-in-law... He's Cassy's Dad.
Raquel
Yeah, I figured that out,
Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, of course. Alan, this
is Raquel. Her and Del
liv... her and Del... her
and Del are friends.
Alan
Yes, he's told me all about
you. You're and actress,
aren't you?
Raquel
Well, some people say that,
others tell the truth.
Alan
Oh come on, Del speaks very
highly of your talents.
We'll have to go out to
dinner one night - all of
us.
Raquel
Look forward to it.
Alan
So do I. You'll have to
excuse me, I've got to meet
someone for lunch.
(To Rodney)
We're going to that new
Chinese place down by the
arches, they say the food's
out of this world.
Rodney
(His stomach
rumbling)
Good!
Alan
(Pats the file he
has just brought
in)
Just keep a closer eye on...
'things'. Rodney. This
cheap-printing is very good
for some people - unfortun-
ately it's not for us! See
you again, Raquel.
Raquel
Yes, bye.
Alan exits.
Raquel
I'd better be going too.
INT. DAY. PRINT WORKS.
Raquel
Why don't you pop in on your
way home from work this
evening? Del hasn't seen you
for ages. I'm doing roast
chicken, jacket potatoes,
and all the trimmings,
there'll be plenty there if
you're peckish.
Rodney
(Tempted)
Na. I'll take a raincheck
on it. I've just got my
timings and route figured
out to avoid the traffic jam
on the one-way system. Some
other time, eh? The driver's
waiting for you outside.
Raquel
Okay. Give my love to Cassy.
Bye.
Raquel exits.
Rodney
(Mumbles)
Roast chicken and all the
trimmings!
INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE.
Rodney plunges into the bin and retrieves on of his dis-
carded sandwiches. We see the sandwich is dotted and
smeared with various coloured inks. There is a clean
section at the top. Rodney gingerly bites into the clean
section. At this very moment Michelle opens the door and
enters, followed by a businessman.
Michelle
It's Mr Coleman from Classic
Curt... Michelle and Mr
Coleman react to Rodney and
the sandwich. Rodney
sheepishly throws the
sandwich in bin.
Rodney gives as much confidence as he can muster in the
circumstances.
Rodney
Hi.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE/KITCHEN.
This is five hours later. Music is coming from the record
-player. Cassandra exits from the bedroom. She is wearing
casual clothes. She carries a sports bag which has the
head of a badminton racquet sticking out of it. She
places the bag on the settee and goes to record player.
She removes record and places it in LP cover. (We see the
LP cover and the name - Fergal Sharkey) Rodney enters
from front door.
Rodney
Hi-ee.
Cassandra
Hi...
(They kiss)
You're late this evening.
Rodney
Yeah, I got stuck in traffic
jam on the one-way system.
(Removing overcoat
and sniffing air)
That smells good. I'm
starving.
Cassandra
I just did myself one of
those ready-made meals in
the microwave.
Rodney is uncertain whether this means she hasn't cooked
for him.
Rodney
Oh! Well, I'm starving.
Rodney exits to kitchen. Rodney enters and pulls down
door on eye-level oven. It is dark and empty inside.
Cassandra
(Calls OOV)
There's plenty in the
freezer.
Rodney
Good!
(Pointedly)
What a very clean oven
we've got!
Cassandra
(OOV, hasn't quite
heard)
Sorry?
Rodney
I was just remarking how
amazingly clean one can keep
these modern ovens!
(Mumbles to
himself)
Especially when one never
bloody cooks in it!
Rodney exits. Rodney enters from kitchen and reacts as
he sees Cassandra buttoning or zipping up her coat.
Rodney
You off out somewhere?
Cassandra
Yeah.
Rodney
(Quietly)
Good, it'll make a nice
change for you. So what's
it tonight? The bank's
final exams? The bank's
annual wine and cheese
orgy. The bank's yoga and
target practise course?
Cassandra
I'm playing badminton!
Rodney
Oh, I see. Where?
Cassandra
The bank's sports club.
Rodney
Great. You go an' enjoy
yourself, Cassandra. I've
got a busy evening ahead
as well. I'm gonna sit in
and read the bank's
pamphlet on our joint
pension policy!
Cassandra
Oh, God! Here we go again!
Alright, what's wrong this
time?
Rodney
With me? What could
possibly be wrong with me?
Cassandra
If you don't stop being
so childish, I swear one
of these days I'll
smother you with your
comfort blanket!
Rodney
Me - childish? You're the
one who's got to start
growing up a bit,
Cassandra! When are you
gonna realise that you've
got a marriage - you've
got a home - and you've
got me!
Cassandra
Oh, I never forget that,
Roddy!
Rodney
I never see you. You just
use this flat like a base
-camp! You zoom in and
out of here like a blue-
bottle with the runs!
I've had double-glazing
salesmen spend more time
in here than you!
Cassandra
Well, whatever turns you
on!
Rodney
And what's that supposed
to mean?
Cassandra
Look, Rodney, I like to
keep myself occupied!
Rodney
But you're always out -
on your own!
Cassandra
Because you never want
to go anywhere with me!
I've asked you before to
come to badminton but
you always refuse.
Rodney
Because I don't relish
the idea of spending an
entire evening whacking
a dead budgie over a
net! Besides, all our
social occasions are in
some way tied up with
the bank!
Cassandra
You resent me pursuing
a career, don't you?
Rodney
No, I admire anyone who
tries to advance them-
selves. But your ideas
on advancement come
straight out of Rommel's
'A Thousand and One
Things Every Good Panzer
General Should Know'!
It's relentless! It's
Blitzkrieg!
Cassandra
Roddy, I am not trying
to advance my career. I
am still trying to make
up lost ground! You of
all people should know
that!
Rodney
I have in some way
interrupted Operation
Cassandra? And what
exactly is it I'm
supposed to have done?
Cassandra
Oh, it's just little
things. Like that day my
boss, Stephen, and his
wife came round here and
you punched him in the
face!
Rodney
Oh, we're still on about
that, are we?
Cassandra
You broke his nose!
Rodney
Broke it! I didn't break
it! Alright, a tiny,
hairline fracture, that's
all! Anyway, it was a long
time ago and I've
apologised a thousand times
for it.
Cassandra
I know you have and I'm
perfectly willing to be
understanding - as long as
you are.
Rodney
How can I put this, Cass?
This seems a ridiculous
thing for a husband to say
to his wife, but I'd like
to see more of you. The
only time we're really
together is when we're
lying in bed.
Cassandra
With our backs to each
other!
Rodney
That's only because you
turn your back on me!
Cassandra
You started it!
Rodney
Did not! And why is it
whenever we have a
dinner party we always
invite your family or
your friends?
Cassandra
We invite your friends
as well!
Rodney
Name me one occasion,
just one, when my
friends have been round
here?
Cassandra
Last month Mickey Pearce
and Jevon and their
girlfriends came round
for the evening.
Rodney
I apologised for that.
Cassandra
And next week you've
invited your brother and
Raquel round for dinner.
Rodney
I've apologised for that
as well. Look, we always
promised each other that
if a problem arose in our
marriage we would sit
down and discuss it in a
mature and adult way.
Cassandra
Fine. Let's sit down and
discuss it in a mature
and adult way.
They sit.
Rodney
You can go first.
Cassandra
No, you carry on.
Rodney
No, I'd like to hear what
you have to say.
Cassandra
You started it, Roddy, so
you go...
Rodney
(Cuts in quickly)
I didn't start anything!
Cassandra
You're the one who came
home in a mood!
Rodney
I didn't have a mood until
I came home and realised
there was nothing for me to
eat. Again!
Cassandra
Oh I see! That's what it's
really all about! I'm
supposed to be the little
wife who has the dinner on
the table waiting for
Rodney to come back from
the time-warp! This is not
1933, and the sooner you
realise that the sooner
you'll stop being so
bloody childish!
Rodney
Cassandra, if you could
avert your gaze from the
exotica of the banking
world for just one minute,
you would realise, as so
many women in Peckham
realise, that there is
nothing childish about
Rodney Trotter! And they
would appreciate having a
young, successful and
vibrant man like me
around! And they'd most
probably do me pie and
chips if I fancied it!
Cassandra
Well why don't you go and
find one of these women?
There is a pause as he is put on the spot. It's do some-
thing or surrender time.
Rodney
Alright, I will!
Cassandra
Well, go on then!
Rodney
I will!
Cassandra
And take a bottle of ketchup
for your pie and chips!
Rodney
I will!
Cassandra reacts.
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT AND ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY AND
CASSANDRA'S FLATS.
The entrance door is wrench open and a seething Rodney
exits. He is wearing his baggy overcoat and carrying a
leather flight-bag which contains a few hastily-packed
clothes. His expression is that of a volcano about to
erupt. He strides away from the door in a very
determined manner. Here is a trendy executive
childishly leaving his wife.
EXT. NIGHT. GARAGE BLOCK TO RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S
FLATS.
Rodney strides towards the garage door and pulls it up
and open. He enters the garage to the right of car
(as if going to driver's side).
We have a slight pause during which, any second, we
expect the engine to start and the car to reverse out.
Now Rodney comes riding out on a bike (his flight bag
balanced or attached in some way to crossbar). He
doesn't push the bike out and then start riding it - he
literally rides straight out of the garage and
into the night.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Thirty minutes later. Del and Raquel are finishing their
dinners. The table is covered in a fine tablecloth, they
have a bottle of wine and a candle burns in a silver
candlestick. There is subdued lighting just side lights)
and it looks romantic - well, as romantic as you can get
in Nelson Mandela House.
Del
(Enjoying the
meal)
Mmmh! What a meal! 'Je
suis, je reste' as they
say in Montpellier.
Raquel
Does that mean good?
Del
Superb! Haven't eaten food
this good since my old Mum
was alive. What is it
again?
Raquel
It's chicken!
Del
I know it's chicken! I mean
what's the dish called?
Raquel
It's called Petti di Pollo
Trifolati.
Del
Say what you like about the
French but they're magic
with a saucepan and a bit
of salt.
Raquel
It's Italian.
Del
Yeah, I know it's Italian,
I was just saying the
French are good cooks as
well.
Del raises his glass.
Del
(Cont'd)
To... the future.
Raquel smiles and they chink glasses.
Del now changes to a more serious and romantic mood. He
takes her hand
Del
(Cont'd)
Raquel.
Raquel
Mmmh?
Del
You've been here a couple
of weeks or so now, and...
well... you know how I
feel about you.
Raquel
Do I? You've never said.
Del
I thought it was obvious...
I... I really like you...
And... you don't have to
answer this right now, but
I was wondering whether
you would... whether you
would...
Suddenly the main lights are switched on, thus ruining
the mood. We see an agitated Albert has entered from
the bedrooms area. He is rubbing his beard.
Raquel
I've kept your dinner warm
in the oven, Albert. Is
everything alright now?
Albert
(Referring to
beard)
I've cut the singed bits
off. You should never
light a candle when
you've got a man with a
beard in the house!
Del
You shouldn't have leant
across the table to reach
the bread! I've a good
mind to report your beard
to the council! If I
hadn't been a bit lively
with me Liebfraumilch we
could have had a towering
inferno on the rates.
Albert
(Indicating candle)
I'll eat my dinner in the
kitchen, away from that
fire hazard!
Albert exits to kitchen.
Del
(Calls)
And be careful when you get
the plate out the oven,
the gas is still on!
Raquel
You were saying?
Del
Eh? Oh yeah.
Del moves to light switch by door and switches main
lights off, returns to table, taken Raquel's hand and
then tries to rekindle the original atmosphere.
Del
You see - you're a woman...
Raquel
Thank you.
Del
And I'm a man. And - let's
be honest - No Man's an
Island. D'you see what I'm
getting at?
Raquel
... No.
Del
Well, I don't wanna rush
things, but would you.. I
mean, would you...
The main lights are switched on as a fuming Rodney enters
from hall. He is wearing his overcoat and carrying his
flight bag and has obviously come straight here after
storming out of his own flat.
Rodney
That's it - all over -
kaput! That was her last
chance!
Raquel
Good evening, Rodney!
Rodney
I have never been so
insulted in all my life!
Del
Sit down, bruv, and let me
have a try!
Albert enters from kitchen.
Albert
What's happening?
Raquel
Rodney's left Cassandra.
Albert
Not again! This is the
third time in eighteen
months you two have broken
up for good!
Rodney
This time it's for good!
Del
Does this mean our
invitation to dinner's off?
Rodney
(Pouring a glass
of scotch)
Well of course it does!
Raquel
What's brought all this
about?
Rodney
(Struggling to
screw the top
back on bottle)
You'll never believe this.
She accused me of being
childish!
Del
(Mock horror)
No?
Rodney
True!
Rodney hurls the screw top away in frustration.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Stupid thing!
Del
Oi! That's my top!
Rodney
Tonight was the last straw!
Del
What's she do? Step on your
Scalextrix?
Rodney
Derek, my marriage has
broken up! This is no time
for sarcasm!
Rodney begins removing things from his flight bag.
Del
Yeah, Alright, bruv.
Listen, calm down, finish
your drink then I'll
drive you home and we'll
sort it all out.
Rodney
You don't seem to under-
stand, I'm not going back.
Me and Cassandra have
finished - for good!
Del
Albert. Brandy?
Raquel
Rodney, you'll have to at
least talk to her sooner
or later. There'll be
things to be discussed.
Del
Yeah, like who gets
custody of Barbie and Ken.
Rodney
It's all a big joke to
you, innit, Del?
Del
I just think that you and
Cassandra are both
behaving like a couple of
ten-year-olds! You've
broken up and gone back
together more times than
JR and Sue Ellen.
Rodney
Well, this time it's for
good! I'm staying here.
At this point Rodney removes a bottle of tomato ketchup
from his bag. He reacts and quickly puts it back again.
Del
Albert, you'd better fetch
a blanket and a pillow,
make a bed for Rodney on
the settee.
Rodney
Settee? No, I'll kip in me
old room.
Del
You can't, Rodney. Raquel
sleeps in there.
Raquel
(An embarrassed
shrug)
Sorry.
Rodney
Why's Raquel in my room? I
thought you two were...
Del
(Cuts in quickly)
Rodders! Can I have a word
with you in the boardroom?
Rodney moves across and joins Del in a hushed and private
conversation.
Rodney
I thought you and Raquel...
Del
(Cuts in)
No.
Rodney
You mean you're not..?
Del
(Cuts in)
No.
Rodney
But she's been here over a
fortnight.
Del
(Drops the 'I'
in 'I know')
'know.
Rodney
Must be a record.
Del
Yeah...
Del indicates dining table and referring to the romantic
conversation.
Del
(Cont'd)
I was just on the point of
asking her whether she'd be
so kind as to consider
stamping me card when you
came storming in.
Rodney
Well, just tell her I'm back
so, like it or lump it,
she's gotta kip with you.
Del
(Deeply offended)
Listen to me, Rodney! Raquel
is a lady. And when a lady
is ready to... Well, when
she's ready she'll let
me know.
Rodney
How?
Del
I dunno! A sign or some-
thing.
Rodney
Like what?
Del
I don't know!
Rodney
Maybe she'll put an
announcement in the Sunday
Sport.
Del
Look, all I know is she'll
let me know! And until that
happens you're kipping on
the settee, and think
yourself lucky!
Rodney
Yeah, I don't mind.
Rodney moves to bar to pour himself another drink.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Anything's better than lay-
ing next to a cold pair of
shoulders.
Raquel
You going to let him stay?
Del
I dunno what to do for the
best.
Albert
Let the boy stay for a few
days.
Rodney enters, eating Albert's chicken.
Rodney
Cor, I was starving.
Albert
Tell him to go back to his
wife, Del.
Albert exits.
Albert
(As he leaves)
I fought in the war for
you.
INT. NIGHT.DISCO/NIGHTCLUB.
A week later. This could be the same place where Rodney
first danced with Cassandra in series 6, only now we
have a few tables round the edge of dance floor. The
dance floor is crowded with mainly twenty- to- thirty-
year-old people. The hour is late and the lights are
low. The music is slow, smooch, romantic. We see Rodney,
Chris and Mickey Pearce standing at the bar. The three
have had a little too much to drink (not staggering
drunk, just a bit too merry for comfort, laughing and
giggling at some now forgotten joke).We see Del and
Raquel on the dance floor. As they circle slowly the
mood of the music is broken by the giggling from bar.
Del isn't concentrating on the dance, he is looking in
Rodney's direction and becoming more annoyed with
Rodney's antics.
Del
Look at that dipstick!
What's he think he's play-
ing at?
Raquel
He's had a little too much
to drink, that's all.
Del
He walked out on Cassandra
over a week ago and every
night since he's been out
on the p... booze!
Raquel
Are you worried about him?
Del
Course I am. I've had to
look after him most of me
life. Michael Jackson's
got Bubbles, I've got
Rodney!
We cut to bar. Mickey, Chris and Rodney drink tequila
slammers.
Mickey
(Calls to barman)
Can we have... Excuse me
... Oi! Can we have the
same again? This time make
'em large ones.
Rodney/Chris
(Like a cheer)
Yeah!
Mickey
It's your round, Rodney.
Rodney
Is it? Oh yeah, I suppose
it is.
Seated just along from the chaps are two attractive
women. They are in their early-to-mid-thirties but very
pokeable.
Mickey
(Notices the
women)
Christopher, I spy with my
little eye two women of
the more mature variety.
Chris
Lonely housewives out on
the pull.
Rodney
Leave me out of this.
Mickey
Yeah, we intended to.
Chris
(To one of the
women)
I know you from somewhere,
don't I?
Mickey
He never forgets a face.
1st Woman
Neither do I and I'd
certainly remember you two!
Chris and Mickey glance at each other.
Chris
(To woman)
Did you go to the Dockside
Junior school?
1st Woman
Certainly not!
Mickey
(To Chris)
Told you!
(To woman)
He thought you was our old
headmistress!
The woman looks offended. Mickey, Chris and Rodney roar
with laughter, then join Rodney at the bar. We cut to
see Del and Raquel leaving dance floor. Del hears the
peals of laughter and looks towards bar. They sit at
table.
Del
He's already missed a
couple of days work 'cos
of hangovers!
Raquel
I know. I've tried phoning
Cassandra but she's just
never in.
Del
Well, she's busy, ain't
she? What with evening
school and bank seminars.
Raquel
Can't you have a word with
Rodney?
Del
What can I say? I can't go
interfering in his life,
he's a married man!
Raquel
Mmmh! If m experience is
anything to go by, he
won't be for long.
Del, now deeply worried, looks towards Rodney. We cut to
bar.
Chris
What d'you mean you're
sleeping on the settee?
Rodney
S'true. Del's in his room
and Raquel's in my old room.
Mickey
I thought Del Boy and her
were living together?
Rodney
They are... sort of. But
they're not cohabiting -
at least they're not co-
habiting in bed. Del said
as soon as he's - you know
- cracked the case, I can
have me old room back.
Chris
Rodney, let me give you
some advice. I am a ladies
hairstylist and know
intimately the working of
the female mind.
Mickey
Yeah, 'cos he's a woofter!
Mickey laughs.
Chris
Please be serious, Mickey!
I hate it when you do your
Timmy Mallet imperson-
ation! Rodney, why don't
you go home to Cassandra?
You had a nice flat, a
good bird and you've given
it all up 'cos of some
stupid row!
Rodney
If she wants to 'phone me
and apologise then I might
consider it. But she
started it so she's gotta
'phone me first.
As Mickey Pearce begins speaking, so Del appears behind
him at the bar. (Del is served with his two drinks - A
G&T and a cocktail - almost immediately.)
Mickey
What you've gotta do,
Rodney, is make Cassandra
jealous.
Rodney
Yeah... Why?
Mickey
Make her think other
women find you desirable.
Rodney
(Likes the sound
of this)
Yeah!
Chris
Don't encourage Rodney to
tell her lies!
Rodney
(Now in agreement
with Chris)
That's right... What d'you
mean 'lies?
Mickey
Listen to me, Rodney. I
always make a point of
making women jealous.
Del
The only time you ever made
women jealous was the night
you won the last house at
bingo.
Mickey
Oh it's you, Derek! Tell
me, how you getting on
with Raquel?
Del is suspicious of the question. His answer is guarded.
Del
T'riffic! Thank you very
much Mickey. What the
bleedin hell it's gotta
do with you, though, I
don't know.
Mickey
Just concerned.
Mickey turns to Rodney and Chris and muffles a laugh.
Chris
You gonna buy us a drink,
Del?
Del
Yeah of course.
Del calls to barman and lays a couple of pound coins on
the bar.
Del
(Cont'd)
Three coca-colas.
(To Rodney)
Can I have a word, Rodney?
Del turns from bar and makes his way back to table.
Rodney leaves bar and follows Del. We cut to the table
and Del arrives back with drinks.
Del
There you go.
Raquel
Thanks.
Rodney, carrying a glass of scotch and dry, arrives at
the table. Occasionally he slurs his words.
Rodney
Alright?
Del
Go on Rodney. Yeah, sit
yourself down.
Raquel realises this should be a private conversation,
indicates the ladies.
Raquel
I'll just... em... won't
be long.
Raquel exits. Del just looks at him as if he seeks and
explanation. Rodney senses the look and tries to hide
his mild feelings of shame.
Rodney
So, you got the exhaust on
the van sorted out yet?
Del
It's booked in for
tomorrow. You can drive it
down there for me.
Rodney
Me?
Del
Well, you won't be going a
work, will you? Not after
what you've shoved down
tonight. So when your
hangover's cleared up you
can drive the van down
there for me.
Rodney
I will be going a work in
the morning! You can bet
your last penny on that!
Okay?
Del
What are you doing to
yourself, Rodney? Every
night for the last week
you've been out on the
booze!
Rodney
I'm just seeing my mates,
that's all.
Del
Yeah, but why's it always
Johnny Walker and Ron
Bacardi? Rodney - Rodders
- you walked out on
Cassandra eight days ago.
You've made your point
bruv. It's time to go
home.
Rodney
I already went home.
Del
No you didn't, you came to
my flat.
Rodney
Yeah, and I was born there
so it's my home! Look,
you've never been married
so you don't know what
it's like.
Del
No, but I've mucked about
enough to have a fair idea.
Rodney moves away.
Del
Rodney... Rodders.
Del follows him.
Rodney
See, to Cassandra life is
all drive and ambition. I
think she wants to rule
the world.
Del
No, she don't. She just
wants promotion at the bank.
Rodney
Zakly! And her determin-
ation has made her so
blinkered she doesn't notice
all the beautiful things
that are around her.
Del
What, you?
Rodney
Well... if you like! The
other month it was her
birthday. So I bought her
a pair of earrings and a
Shergal Farkey LP.
Del
A Shergal What?
Rodney
Sherkal Fargey... Fergal
Sharkey, the singer.
Del
Oh him!
Rodney
And a pair of earrings.
They were nice earrings,
but little. There were
very little earrings. Nice,
but...
Del
Little!
Rodney
Yes - little. Cassy looked
at 'em and said, 'Thank
you, Rodney. Aren't they
little.'
Del
No??
Rodney
True as I stand here... sit
here. I suppose Mummy and
Daddy used to buy her big
presents! I wish I could
meet another girl!
Del
In your present condition
your best bet's to join a
Lonely Kidney's Club!
Rodney
(Hasn't heard Del's
last remark)
I think married life's been
a bit of a let down for
young Cassandra! But I
don't care! It's no skin
off my nose. Couldn't give
a monkey's toss!
Rodney, now with the combination of booze and emotion,
he breaks down.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
I love her, Del!
Del
(Worried that
people might
see)
Shut up, you tart! Wipe
your nose.
Rodney
I haven't come up to her
high expectations!
Del
I'm gonna have a word with
your wife, Rodney! I'm
gonna tell her that size
isn't everything, it's the
thought that counts!
Rodney
If you get involved, Del
... What d'you mean,
'size isn't everything'?
Del
Well, those earrings!
Rodney
Oh sod the earrings! God,
it makes me so angry!
Right now I'd like to go
out and find a little
bloke to have a fight
with!
Del
Oi, oi, you can cut all
that sorta talk out!
Rodney
She hardly ever cooked
for me! Too busy!
Del
You can cook.
Rodney
Yeah, but I wanted her to
do it.
Del
(Now sensing he's
getting to the
truth)
What, you wanted Cassandra
to make a fuss of you?
Rodney
Yes!
Del
She ain't your mum, Rodney.
Rodney
What d'you mean?
Del
Well - you never really
knew the joy of having a
mum, did you? You'd only
been on solids a while
when the angels come and
took her away.
Rodney
Yeah. I can sort of
remember her - but it's...
misty. A blonde lady...
She was there... then she
was gone! Bit like the SDP
really!
Rodney giggles at this.
Del
(Deeply offended)
D'you wanna right-hander
for a nightcap, Rodney?
You have some respect!
Rodney
Sorry, Del! I was just...
sorry! What a life, eh? My
wife doesn't love me, I
ain't got me Mum and some
bastard's nicked me bike!
Del
I told you not to leave it
out on the landing, didn't
I?
Rodney
Yeah!
Del
Don't be defeatist, bruv.
These things are sent to
test us. Why don't you
take a leaf out of my
book, eh? Happy go lucky
- never let life get me
down. Use me as your role
model if you like.
Rodney
You? You must be joking!
Anyway, I don't need a mole
-rodel!
(Realises he's
said it wrong.
Tries again)
A mole-rodel...
As Rodney tries again Del mouths the words to help him.
Del
(Mouths the
words)
Role... rodel.
Rodney
Mole... rod... I don't want
one of them! I'm happy as I
am!
(Notices Raquel
returning)
...See you later.
Rodney moves back to the bar as Raquel returns.
Raquel
Any luck?
Del
No. I tried.
Raquel
(Kisses him)
You're a very nice person,
Derek Trotter.
Del
Yeah, I know. It's always
been me weakness.
Raquel
I think Rodney's a very
confused young man.
Confused and maybe a bit
frightened.
Del
Frightened? He's a bloke!
Raquel
I know. And even 'blokes'
get frightened! Everyone's
frightened of something!
Del
Are they? What are you
frightened of?
Raquel
Shut up, you'll make me
feel silly.
Del
Go on, What you frightened
of? I won't laugh.
Raquel
The dark!
Del roars with laughter.
Del
Yeah.
Del now becomes very serious. He's going for it, but he
knows he could easily blow it)
Del
(Cont'd)
If you like, tonight when
you're in bed... in the
dark... I'll hold your
hand.
Raquel
(Smiles at him)
Okay. Thank you.
Del smiles - not licentiously - it's a mixture of relief
and love. Now he spoils it all.
Del
(On the hurry-up)
Come on then, drink up.
They stand up.
Raquel
Listen, Del. My reputation
in this area isn't as good
as I'd like it to be. So
please don't tell anyone
about this! About us!
Del
Course, I won't tell anyone
Raquel. Cor Blimey! What
sorta bloke d'you think I
am? This kind of thing's
private! It's between you
and me, Raquel - it's us!
Raquel
Thanks.
They stand and head towards the exit. They pass the
bar where Rodney, Chris and Mickey are still
standing.
Rodney
Oi, Del. You going? I'll
see you later.
Del
Righto. And, Rodney, you
can sleep in your old room
tonight.
Rodney, realising this means Del has cracked the
case, punches the air.
Rodney
Nice one, Derek!
The three celebrate. The following lines are spoken
virtually together - just a wall of drunken sound/
celebration.
Chris
(Applauding)
Let's hear it for my man!
Mickey
Right-on, Del Boy!
Rodney
Let's drink to it!
Del reacts with a 'me and my mouth' expression. Raquel
closes her eyes and wishes the ground would open up
and swallow her.
INT. DAY.TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert is laying asleep in armchair. The TV is on and we
hear the signature tune to BBC News at six.
TV Announcer
This is the six o'clock news
from the BBC.
The door from bedrooms area opens and Rodney enters. He
is wearing a towelling dressing gown. His hair is wet
and he has shaved. He is carrying a radio. He turns TV
off and switches his radio on Which immediately blares
pop music. He goes to mirror and brushes hair. The
noise from the radio rouses Albert from his slumber.
Albert
What's that horrible
racket?
Rodney
I'm listening to me radio.
Albert
I can't sleep with all that
noise going on!
Rodney
That's an amazing statement
coming from a man who slept
through two world wars!
Albert
I didn't do any sleeping in
the war, Rodney! I was out
there on the big waves.
Shell and fire, that was me.
They could make a film
about my life story.
Rodney
Yeah, Three Men in a Dinghy!
Albert
So how you feeling now? Has
your hangover cleared up?
Rodney
I didn't have a hangover!
Albert
So why didn't you go a work
this morning?
Rodney
None of your business! You
ain't half a nosey git,
ain't you! It's no wonder
they used to chuck you out
of the lifeboat!
Albert
Yeah, and if that's the
sort of rubbish you
listened to it's no wonder
your wife chucked you out
your house!
Rodney
(Seething at
this insult)
Cassandra did not chuck me
out! I left of my own
accord. She's praying for
me to go back!
Albert
Oh, spending a lot of time
at church, is she? Maybe
that's why she's never in
when Raquel phones her.
Rodney
You're just tryin' to wind
me up, ain't you?
Albert
No I'm not, son, honest...
They found your bike yet?
Rodney
Just get off my case,
Albert! I'm gonna get
dressed!
Rodney exits to bedrooms area taking portable radio with
him. Albert goes behind cocktail bar and pours himself a
brandy. He is just about to drink when Raquel enters
from bedrooms area, looking behind her as if concerned
about Rodney. Albert quickly puts brandy down and begins
scouring floor behind bar for some imaginary missing
article.
Albert
You seen my slipper,
Raquel?
Raquel has no hesitation in her reply - she's more
concerned with Rodney.
Raquel
You're wearing them, Albert.
What's wrong with Rodney?
He's slamming drawers and
banging things around in
there!
Albert
I think he's still upset
about him and Cassandra.
I've just tried to give
him a few words of
encouragement, but
nothing seems to work.
Raquel
At least you're trying.
Del, wearing a green trenchcoat and carrying an aluminium
briefcase, enters from front door and hall. He is in an
agitated mood.
Del
Where's that idiot?
Albert
He's getting dressed.
Raquel
Are you alright, love?
Del
Eh? Yeah, I'm alright,
darling. I think I've got
a little touch of that
executive burn-out. I
could murder a drink.
Raquel
Go on, sit down, I'll do
it.
Raquel moves to bar.
Del
(Quietly to
Albert)
You and me have gotta
have a little talk - in
private.
Albert
Yeah, alright , son.
(Referring to
Raquel)
What about her?
Del
Leave it to me.
Raquel
(Mystified to
find a freshly
poured brandy
already on bar)
Will a brandy do, Del?
Del
Cushty!
(Now a bright
idea)
On second thoughts, could
you do me a nice
decaffeinated coffee? In
the percolator, eh?
Raquel
But that takes ages!
Del
Yeah, I know! But it's much
healthier.
Raquel
Yeah, alright then. D'you
want a coffee, Albert?
Albert
I'll have that brandy -
save wasting it
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Albert
So what d'you wanna talk
about then?
Del
Well first of all I'd like
to know where my bottle of
Courvoesire learnt to pour
itself! But that can wait.
There are more important
things to discuss. I've
just been talking to one of
the mechanics from the
Peckham Exhaust Centre.
Rodney took my van down
there today. They've got a
young receptionist working
there, Tania, and that
dipstick only asked her out
on a date!
Albert
You're kidding!
Del
I wish I was, Unc, I wish I
was! I am disgusted with
him!
Albert
What's this Tania girl
like?
Del
Well I wouldn't say no! What
I mean, is, she's an
attractive girl and nice
with it. But that's not the
point, is it? What happens
if Rodney's seen out with
this Tania sort? It'll break
poor Cassandra's heart and
Rodney'll end up with the
sack!
Albert
Yeah! And Alan won't do you
anymore of that cheap
printing you flog to all
your mates.
Del
(Emphatically)
No! That's got nothing to
do with it!
Albert
You said that's the only
money we've got coming into
the flat!
Del
I'm only concerned for the
future happiness of Rodney
and Cassandra. Although
that printing does bring a
few bob in. I've gotta
find a way of putting
Rodney off this bird!
Albert
So what you telling me for?
Del
Well I was hoping you might
come up with an idea. Then
again I was hoping Millwall
might win the UEFA cup!
Listen, when Rodney tells
us about his date you and
me have got to look
horrified! As if he's going
against the Trotter
family's moral code.
Albert
Oh, he'll never fall for
that!
Del
Yes, he will!
We hear the sound of pop music approaching from
bedrooms area.
Del
He's coming. Now don't
forget, look horrified! As
if you've just seen a U-
boat off the starboard bow.
Rodney, now wearing suit and tie, etc. enters from bed-
rooms area, carrying the radio. Albert immediately
looks horrified.
Del
(From corner of
mouth to
Albert)
Not yet! Not yet!
Rodney
(Switches radio
off, referring
to Albert)
What's up with him?
Del
Gawd knows. Look, he's at
the brandy.
Raquel enters from kitchen.
Raquel
(To Del)
Percolator's bubbling.
Fancy a coffee, Rodney?
Rodney
No thanks, Raquel, I'm
going out.
Albert gasps in horror.
Del
(Desperately to
(Albert)
No! No!
(Now to Rodney)
Going anywhere nice?
Rodney
To the pictures.
Del
Oh cushty! That's the way
to do it, Rodders. Your
marriage is going down
the Swannee so let's
bugger off to the flicks.
Rodney
(Angrily)
Why don't you just butt
out, Del?
Del
You please yourself, bruv.
Rodney now carefully rubs after-shave onto his face,
brushes his hair back and then studies the results in
mirror.
Del
(Cont'd)
Going on your own?
Rodney
No, I'm going with - some-
one.
Albert gasps.
Del
(Spits a hushed
warning at him)
One more time and I'll
whack you!
Raquel
(Innocently - hasn't
caught on to Del and
Albert's act)
Who are you taking?
Cassandra?
Rodney
No, not Cassandra. If you
must know it's a girl.
Raquel
(Incredulously)
A girl?
Del
(Horrified)
A Girl?
Albert
Oh!
(Horrified)
A girl?
Rodney
Why d'you all keep repeat-
ing it? You sound like Jive
Bunny! I met a girl called
Tania and I asked her to
the pictures. What's wrong
with that?
Del
I don't believe I'm hearing
this! You're a happily
married man, Rodney!
Rodney
Was a happily married man,
Derek! Then we left the
registry office and the
magic seemed to go! A
happily married man would
be taking his wife to the
pictures!
Del
Well, why don't you?
Rodney
What?
Del
Take Cassandra. Give her a
bell, she might fancy
going.
Albert
There wouldn't be room in
the van for Tania and
Cassandra.
Del
I mean give this Tania sort
the elbow and take... Just
stay out of this, Albert!
Rodney
It's no good. Even our
tastes in films differ.
Cassy used to like heavy
dramas and foreign films;
The Grapes of Wrath and
Fellini classics, that
sort of thing.
Raquel
What are you going to see?
Rodney
Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
Well, that's not my choice.
Tania wants to see it.
Del
Tania - Tania? Wait a
minute. Not that old bow-
wow from the exhaust
centre?
Rodney
(Happily surprised
that Del knows
her)
Yeah!
(Now reacts)
What do you mean 'bow-
wow'? She's not a 'bow-
wow'!
Del
Oh do me a favour, Rodney,
it's like a Rottweiler
with a wig!
Rodney
Del, the Tania I'm talking
about is very pretty.
Del
Have you clocked the hooter
on it? Me and Boycie had a
bet once whether it was her
real nose or she'd had
silicone injections.
Rodney
Have you ever actually
spoken to this person?
Del
I said good morning to her
once but she was busy
gnawing a bone.
Raquel
(Getting slightly
miffed over Del's
apparent sexism)
I think what Rodney's try-
ing to say, Derek, is that
maybe, just maybe, this
girl might have a nice
personality.
(To Rodney)
Has she?
Rodney
(Without hesitation)
No, not really.
Albert
Then why you going out with
her?
Del
He's heard of her reputa-
tion, ain't he?
Rodney
I don't care about her
rep...
(Optimistically)
Has she got a reputation?
Del
In the past she lived with
a few blokes. A darts team
I heard.
Raquel
(Angrily at Del)
That is just the kind of
old-fashioned, chauvin-
istic attitude that keeps
women second-class
citizens in this country!
Del
No, no, I'm doing this
for a reason, Raquel.
Raquel
Sometimes you can be
such a sexist! You're not
satisfied with tearing
the poor girl to shreds
because she doesn't look
like Kim Basinger! Oh no,
you've got to do a
character assassination
because, in the past,
she's done exactly the
same as you!
Albert
Del's never lived with a
darts team!
Del
(Quietly to Raquel)
No, no, you don't under-
stand what I'm doing,
darling. I'll explain to
you later, alright?
Raquel
(Has no intentions
of letting this
go)
It's all very well for
young men to sow their wild
oats. The more the merrier
- shows they're red-
blooded! But if a girl does
the same thing she's a
slut!
Del
That's where you're wrong,
Raquel! Nowadays young men
can't sow their wild oats
either. We've all seen the
film for AIDS on the telly.
That's my point, Rodders.
These days women are very
dodgy. One wrong move and
you could be shaking hands
with Princess Di!
Raquel
'Women are dodgy'!
Del
Eh? No, no, not you sweet-
heart! I meant the others.
Raquel
How dare you lay the blame
for a worldwide epidemic
at the feet of womankind!
Del
Raquel, if feet were the
problem Doctor Scholl could
find a cure!
Raquel
I have never heard such
stupid, pig-ignorant views
as yours!
Rodney
(Has been enjoying
the row)
Get him on to politics,
Raquel, it'll blow your
mind!
Raquel
Derek, for your information
there is a rather ugly
rumour going around.
Del
Yeah, well introduce it to
Rodney, he'll take it to
the pictures!
Raquel
The rumour is that man is
the guilty party!
Del
On the telly you see this
young bloke meet some
bird at a disco and...
Raquel
To hell with the tell!
Let's get one thing clear,
Derek! - Women played no
part in the creation of
this plague! Aids is like
nylon-man-made!
Raquel exits to bedrooms area.
Del
(To Rodney)
See, you've upset her now!
Rodney
I've upset her? That's it,
I'm outta here!
Rodney is about to exit to hall.
Del
Listen, Rodney, one little
row and you two think your
marriage is dead. But it's
not, bruv. You could
rekindle the flame of
passion. Take her a bunch
of flowers and a bottle of
champagne.
Rodney
That's a bit corny, innit?
Del
No, that's what I'd do.
Rodney
Na, she goes to the
evening school tonight.
Del
She might cancel it for
you.
Rodney
You're joking, nothing
comes before her stupid,
rotten career! Tryin' to
rekindle the flame in my
marriage is like giving
the kiss of like to a
rasher of bacon.
Del
He who dares wins, Rodney.
Just tell her you're sorry
and then she'll say she's
sorry as well. Before you
know it you've made up,
you're more in love than
ever and you might get a
little bit! Everyone's a
winner! Tete de veau!
Rodney
(Disdainfully)
You might get a little bit!
Good God, it's like living
with a Big Mac!
Del
Right, just for that you
can't borrow my van!
Rodney
Stuff your van, I'll bus
it!
Del
(To Albert)
Good. That's the thanks I
get!
Del opens door to bedrooms area.
Del
(Calls)
D'you fancy popping out for
a drink, sweetheart?
Raquel
(OOV)
With a creep like you?
Del
Yeah.
Raquel
(OOV)
No thank you very much.
Del
What a life, eh? What a
life!
Del is now struck by a disturbing thought.
Del
Wait a minute. That film
Honey I Shrunk the Kids -
what cinema's it on at?
Albert
The ABC in the high street.
Del
(Knowingly)
And what's right next door
to the cinema? Cassandra's
evening school! And
tonight's the night she
goes.
Albert
But she might see Rodney
and this Tania girl
queuing outside!
Del
That's the idea, innit?
Dippy Rodney's tryin' to
make Cassandra jealous.
He's taken Mickey
Pearce's advice - and
that boy's had about as
much luck with women as
you had with boats. I've
gotta stop Cassandra
going to that evening
school! I'll see you
later, Unc.
Del rushes towards front door. Raquel now appears at door
to bedrooms area.
Raquel
(Now in a softer,
let's make up
mood)
Del.
Del
Yeah, what is it, darling?
Raquel
I'm sorry.
Del
So am I.
Albert
Oh Gawd.
Raquel
(She gestures with
her head towards
bedroom)
Can we - you know - 'talk'?
Del
(Reacts - what a
time to get a
promise)
Yeah, of course. I'll be as
quick as I can, I promise.
Raquel
(Misunderstanding)
Well, you don't have to be!
Del
No, no, see I've gotta pop
out somewhere.
Raquel
But I wanted to 'talk'!
Del
Yeah, but this is important!
Raquel
(In a huff)
Oh well, please yourself!
She exits to bedrooms, slamming door behind her.
Albert
Rodney's really upset her,
ain't he?
Del lets out a confused sigh and exits.
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT AND ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY'S
BLOCK OF FLATS.
The van pulls into forecourt and parks. Del alights
wearing same clothes as previous scene. He walks across
to entrance door. On the wall we have an intercom
security device. Del takes a deep breath as he prepares
himself for his ordeal. He presses button to flat 16.
After a slight pause we hear Cassandra's voice.
Cassandra
(OOV, distorted)
Hello?
Del
Hello, Cassandra? It's Del
Boy.
Cassandra
(OOV, distort)
Oh, hi Del. Push the door.
We hear buzzer on entrance door. Del steels himself
again and enters.
INT. NIGHT.RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE.
Cassandra is placing a couple of text books in her bag as
Del enters through the already open front door.
Del
Hello, darling. I was just
passing, thought I'd pop
in and see how you were.
Cassandra
I'm fine. How are you?
Del
Couldn't be better, sweet-
heart. Well, a bit choked
about you and Rodders of
course.
Cassandra
Yeah, well - one of those
things, eh?
Del
Yeah, one of them things.
You off to evening school?
Cassandra
Mmmh. Final exams in three
weeks.
Del
Cushty!
Cassandra
How's Rodney?
Del
Bearing up.
Cassandra
Have the police found his
bike yet?
Del
No. He's toying with the
idea of getting another
one.
Cassandra
Where's he tonight?
Del
Oh, er, he popped out
earlier.
Cassandra
Oh, well, I hope he has a
good time.
Del
(A false chuckle
at the irony of
this statement)
Yeah!
Cassandra
I mean, that's what he wants
from life, isn't it?
Del
I know what he really wants,
Cassandra, and I think, in
your heart, you do as well.
Cassandra
Well, he's only got to
swallow his stupid pride and
ask.
Del
I know. I've tried talking
to him but I just can't
get through. As my Mum
used to say, 'There's none
so blind as them what
won't listen.'
Cassandra
(A confused,
slightly glazed
expression)
Very true!
Del
Can't the two of you sort
it out someway?
Cassandra
Oh it's impossible, Del.
Rodney won't budge an
inch on any given
subject. He just fights me
all the way. He doesn't
like going to the bank's
social evenings, he gets
bored with my friends -
and he shows it! The other
week I invited some
colleagues round. I cooked
a lively meal - I mean, I
really tried hard, Del.
Del
You're a smashing cook,
Cassandra. I remember that
Moules Marinier you made us
last year. I can still
taste it now.
Cassandra
Anyway, one hour after we'd
finished eating Rodney
decided it was time they
all went home. so he
started giving them subtle
little hints like yawning
and checking his watch every
three minutes. Finally he
started whistling the
national anthem.
Del
Well, Rodney's never been
one for staying up late.
Cassandra
This was Sunday lunch!
Rodney's idea of socialising
is a night out at the pub
with his mates. What sort of
idiot wants to spend his
evenings down the Nag's
Head?
Del
Oh yeah, I mean who would?
Cassandra
Rodney's so immature. It's
never going to work between
us until he learns to grow
up.
Del
Is it just him?
Cassandra
I'm not behaving childishly
if that's what you're
suggesting.
Del
You haven't phoned him
though.
Cassandra
I'm not phoning him first!
He started it!
Del
Must have taken years of
experience to reach that
decision.
Del notices she is wearing a small pair of diamond ear-
rings.
Del
(Cont'd)
They're nice earrings,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
They're lovely, aren't they?
Rodney gave them to me for
my birthday.
Del
They're very, er, little
aren't they?
Cassandra
That's what I like. I don't
want a pair of chandeliers
hanging from my ears. These
are... these are perfect.
Del
But Rodney said...
Cassandra
Rodney said what?
Del
Don't matter.
(Mumbles to
himself)
I don't believe these two!
I'd get more sense out of
a crossed line with the
Krankies!
(Desperate to
stop her)
Listen, sweetheart, I tell
you what, give the evening
school a miss for once,
eh? Come out with me and
Raquel. You Dad told me
about this great Chinese
place, they do a blinding
Won Ton on all accounts.
Cassandra
Maybe some other time,
eh? I really must go
tonight.
Del
Well, I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a lift,
drop you right outside
the school.
Cassandra
But it's only fifty yards
from the car park.
Del
You don't wanna go past
that cinema queue!
Cassandra
Why not?
Del
Er... there might be yobs
there!
We sense the tremendous struggle he is having with his
conscience. He doesn't want to grass on his brother but
he doesn't want to see Cassandra hurt)
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh God! Cassandra, let me
ask you a question. Have
you ever had a nightmare
where you've seen Rodney
with another girl?
Cassandra
(Half-laugh)
No!
Del
I have! Well, what would
your reaction be if you
did?
Cassandra
What, Rodney with another
girl?
(Dismissive shrug)
Wouldn't bother me.
Del
Oh good, 'cos Rodney's
taken another girl to the
pictures tonight.
Cassandra
(Immediate anger
and hurt)
He's done what? He's taken
another...! No! Not Rodney,
he wouldn't do that!
Del
He's tryin' to make you
jealous! He wants you to
see him and Tania standing
in the cinema queue. I
said to him, Cassandra's
far too intelligent to...
Cassandra
(Cuts straight
in)
Who the hell's Tania?
Del
She's from the exhaust
centre. See, Mickey Pearce
said...
Cassandra
(Cuts in)
It was just a silly disa-
greement, that's all!
Del doesn't know what to do.
Del
You said it wouldn't bother
you!
Cassandra
It doesn't! The bastard! I
love him!
Cassandra starts crying.
Del
Yeah, well he loves you an'
all.
Cassandra
Oh it looks like it! We
only had a row about
badminton and he's started
an affair with another
woman!
Del
No, he's just taking some
tart to see Honey I Shrunk
the Kids!
Cassandra
(Cries even
more)
I wanted to see that!
Cassandra is now crying uncontrollably.
Del
But Rodney said! Oh Gawd!
Del just doesn't know how to handle the situation. Pause.
Del
You're taking this very
well, Cassandra.
Cassandra
(Wiping the tears
away)
Thanks for telling me, Del.
Del
I couldn’t stand by and
see you walk into an
ambush. It's just Rodney's
silly way of getting you
back.
Cassandra
Getting me back for what?
Del
No, not getting you back
for something! I mean
getting you back with him.
Cassandra
But I haven't gone anywhere!
I'm still here!
Del
Yeah, of course you are,
sweetheart, course you are
... Don't go to the evening
school, eh?
Cassandra
No, I'm not. I'll go round
to my friend Emma's house.
Del
Good idea. We'll keep this
whole thing to ourselves,
eh? We don't want the
neighbours or - your Dad
finding out, do we?
Cassandra
No, you're right, Del.
Del
(A visible sigh
of relief)
Yeah, you know it makes
sense. What time will you
be back tonight?
Cassandra
I don't know. Late. Why?
Del
I'll get Raquel to phone
you, cheer you up a bit.
Her marriage broke up as...
Well, what I mean is,
she'll understand what
you're going through. You
all right?
Cassandra
Yes, I'm fine.
Del
I'll see you later then.
Cassandra
Yeah, bye... and thanks,
Del.
Del walks to door. Cassandra starts removing the books
from her bag. Now she loses her temper and empties the
books straight onto the floor. She starts jumping up
and down on the books and hurls the bag across room
(in other words, being very silly)
Del
(Witnessing this
display)
You won't do anything silly,
will you?
Cassandra
(Sobbing)
No, I'm fine!
Del
Lovely jubbly.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S HALL.
Midnight. Raquel is now wearing nightclothes and dressing
gown. Del is seated at table and is prizing the voice
boxes out of the dolls he had been trying to sell earlier
on. Albert, also in pyjamas and dressing gown, is
watching TV.
Raquel
I didn't know what you were
doing.
Del
(Moaning about
the dolls)
Bloody Korean rubbish! I
wish I hadn't put these
'made in Britain' stickers
on 'em now! Sorry, sweet-
heart, what was you saying?
Raquel
Earlier this evening, When
you were saying those
horrible things about
women. I didn't realise you
were trying to frighten
Rodney out of his date.
Del
Oh yeah. Didn't work
though, did it?
Raquel
I couldn't see Rodney being
unfaithful, could you?
Del
No!
Raquel
He's not that stupid, is
he?
Del
Oh he's stupid enough, he
just never gets anywhere
with birds! That boy's
been blown out more times
than a wind sock!
Albert
During the war.
Del
(Checks watch)
Cor, look at the time.
Raquel
Midnight already.
Albert
A crewmate of mine, Sky
Piggott, died of a sexually
related condition.
Del
Yeah?
Albert
Yeah, his girlfriend's
husband shot him!
Albert laughs. Del and Raquel laugh along with him. The
phone begins ringing.
Del
(Answers phone)
Trotters Independent Traders.
We now intercut between Del and Rodney. The background
behind Rodney gives us no indication of where he is
phoning from.
Rodney
(On phone)
Del Boy? It's me.
Del
(On phone, still
annoyed with
him)
Yeah, what d'you want,
Rodney?
Rodney
(On phone)
Listen to me, Del. I
haven't been drinking.
(Breathes down
phone)
See. I've been doing a bit
of growing up. And I've
realised that you were
right and I was wrong.
Del
(On phone)
I know I was right! I told
you I was right, but you
wouldn't listen.
Rodney
(On phone)
I did listen! I've bought
some champagne and roses
for Cassy.
Del
(On phone)
That's very corny and a bit
too late! You've taken that
Tania sort to the pictures
now. You can't turn the
clock back, Rodders.
Rodney
(On phone)
No, I didn't take Tania out.
Del
(On phone)
It doesn't really matter
where...
(Reacts)
You didn't take Tania out?
Rodney
(On phone)
No. I thought of all the
things you said, Del. So I
phoned her and told her I
was a married man. And I
told her I was still very
much in love with my
wife... Does that sound a
bit yukky?
Del
(On phone, fearful
of all the damage
he may have done)
It sounds horrible, Rodney!
Rodney
(On phone)
Then I thought, why am I
telling a total stranger
this? I should be telling
my wife! So that's what
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna
have a little heart to
heart with Cassy - try
an' put everything right
between us.
Del
(On phone)
Yeah, t'riffic! Look, don't
go round to your flat just
yet, Rodney - Cassandra's
not in.
Now we have a different shot of Rodney to show that he is
in the hall of his and Cassandra's flat.
Rodney
(On phone)
I know, I'm at the flat at
the moment. I'll wait for
her. I mean, who's hurrying?
Del
(On phone)
You're at the flat? Oh God!
Rodney, there's something
I've gotta say to you...
Rodney
(On phone)
Del, you've done enough for
me tonight.
Del
(On phone)
Rodders, earlier this
evening...
Rodney
(On phone)
There's something I want to
say to you, Del.
Del
(On phone)
What?
Rodney
(On phone, becoming
emotional)
Love you, Del Boy!
With tears welling in his eyes Rodney slams the receiver
down as he is too choked up to talk anymore.
Del
(Reacts to phone
being cut off)
Dipstick!
Rodney wipes the tears from his eyes. We see a bottle
of champagne and a bunch of roses on the telephone
table. Rodney smiles, his expectations for the next few
hours are high. To avoid any interruptions he takes the
phone off the hook. Del is punching numbers out on his
phone.
Raquel
what's happened?
Del
Rodney's only back at his
flat!
Raquel
Well that's good - isn't it?
Del
No, it is not good, Raquel
- it is very ungood!
(Reacts to engaged
signal)
I can't get through. I bet
he's taken the phone of the
hook!
Albert
Perhaps the line's engaged.
Del
The only thing that's
engaged is Rodney's hormones!
Raquel
Look, I don't understand
this. You've been telling
Rodney to go back to
Cassandra for ages.
Del
Yes, but that was before he
took Tania to see Honey I
Shrunk the Bloody Kids!
Albert
But you just said Rodney
didn't take Tania out!
Del
Yes - he didn't! But
Cassandra - you see -
Cassandra thinks he did!
Albert
What makes her think that?
Del
(A big innocent
shrug)
Someone must have told her!
Raquel
(Sensing the
truth)
Oh, Del, you didn't?
Del
I only did it for her! I
didn't want the poor little
mare walking past the
cinema queue and seeing her
husband having a grope with
Miss Kwik-Fit! I didn't
want Cassy getting hurt -
she's family. I've gotta
get round their flat and
persuade Cassandra I made a
mistake before she sets
eyes on that wally!
Del exits to hall and front door.
Raquel
Why does he have to inter-
fere?
Albert
It's just his nature. Still,
it proves his heart's in
the right place.
Raquel
Mmmmh... Pity about his
brain.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S FLAT.
We can hear soft music playing in background. The front
door opens and Cassandra enters. She starts to remove
her coat and then reacts as she becomes aware of the
music. The music is coming from their record player.
The lights are seductively low. On the coffee table
stands an ice bucket holding the bottle of champagne.
Beside this are two champagne glasses and the roses in
a crystal vase. Cassandra takes the scene in with an
expression that tells us nothing of her true feelings.
She turns as we hear the click of a door opening. At
the bedroom door we see Rodney. Rodney smiles at her -
a warm, loving smile.
Rodney
Cass... I've come home!
Cassandra's eyes widen with anger and hate (her thoughts
are simply 'You dirty bastard') We see Rodney's reaction
to this.
Cassandra
(Seething, set
to kill)
You..!
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT OF RODNEY AN CASSANDRA'S FLATS.
We see the van screech to a halt close to the entrance
door. Del alights and hurries towards entrance door. As
he approaches the entrance door we see a young couple
already entering. Now, from a flat above, we hear the
sound of breaking glass and a heated exchange between
Rodney and Cassandra. Del and the young couple look up
towards the flat and listen to the row.
Rodney
(OOV)
Tania? I don't know anyone
called Tania! Is it a man
or a woman?
Cassandra
(OOV)
Oh, don't try and deny it
Rodney - Del told me all
about the two of you.
Rodney
(OOV)
Well he is lying!
Cassandra
(OOV)
She works for the Peckham
Exhaust Centre!
(Pause)
Rodney
(OOV)
(Quickly changing
the subject)
Shall I get a vase for them
roses?
Cassandra
(OOV)
Stuff the roses!
Rodney
(OOV)
Oh come on, Cass - you
shouldn't believe anything
Del Boy tells you.
We see Del's fearful reaction to all this.
Del
(To the young
couple)
Lovely evening, isn't it?
Del walks in through the door which is being held open
by the man.
INT. NIGHT. FOYER OUTSIDE RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S FRONT
DOOR.
The foyer is on the first floor. We have a couple of
front doors. From inside one flat we can hear the heated
exchange continuing.
Rodney
(OOV)
If you could just calm down
for ten seconds you'd
realise this was all a big
mistake!
Cassandra
(OOV)
Our marriage was a big
mistake!
Rodney
(OOV)
Cassandra, we always said
we would discuss our
differences in a mature
and...
Cassandra
(OOV)
Just bugger off, Rodney!
Rodney
(OOV, a yelp of
pain)
Ooohhh!
The front door is wrenched open and Rodney is propelled
out of the flat by some unseen force. Stuck in his hair
are rose petals, leaves and bits of flower stalks. He
is limping and seems in a state of shock. As he turns
to appeal the door is slammed in his face. Rodney now
sees Del standing at the top of the stairs.
Del
She's back, is she?
Rodney
Why, Del? Why did you tell
her?
Del
I'm sorry, Rodders. I had
to tell her to save her
from any pain.
Rodney
And what about me? She's
just whacked me in the
shin with her badminton
racquet!
The door to number 14 opens and Rodney's neighbour
(Frank) appears. He is about 35 and wears just pyjamas.
Frank
It's gone midnight!
Del
Well, go to bed then!
Rodney
Sorry about this, Frank!
(To Del)
Don't you dare insult my
neighbours!
(Pushes Del
towards stairs)
Get outside!
EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT & MAIN ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY/
CASSANDRA'S FLATS.
Del is forced out and followed by Rodney. They move a few
yards away from the door. (This is so we don't hear or
see the door closing.)
Del
Alright Rodney, alright!
Rodney
You! You of all people
grassed me up! You grassed
me for something I didn't
do!
Del
Rodney, have you any idea
what Cassandra's reaction
would have been if she's
seen you with Tania?
Rodney
Yes, she's just given me a
bloody good example of it!
I wasn't gonna take Tania
out! I'd changed me mind
before I got to the bottom
of the lifts! I made a
stupid threat out of anger
and frustration!
Del
But you said...
Rodney
I know what I said! But
there's a world of
difference between saying
and doing! If I'd gone to
the police every time you
said you were gonna kill
me you'd still be slopping
out in Parkhurst! Thanks
to you my wife now thinks
I'm having a passionate
affair with the siren of
the exhaust centre and
you've offended my
neighbors!
A woman's voice calls out from the darkness above them.
2nd Woman
(OOV)
People are trying to sleep!
Rodney
(Total frustration)
Oh shuddup!
Del
Alright, alright! Now calm
down, Rodney, calm down.
Alright, fair enough. I'm
sorry.
Rodney
Sorry?
Del
Yes, sorry! Is there any-
thing I can do to help?
Rodney
Yes, piss off!
Del
Listen to me, you ungrate-
ful little dipstick! I've
dragged myself out in the
middle of the night to
help you - and I was on a
promise!
Rodney
And you listen to me, Del.
I don't want your help! I
don't want your favours,
assistance or advice! I
don't want nothing off you
for the rest of my life!
Del
I was only tryin' to do me
best for Cassandra and you.
Rodney
Yeah, and make sure you
still got all that printing
done on the cheap!
Del is genuinely hurt by
this.
Del
You don't really think that,
do you, Rodney?
Rodney
...Probably not... See you.
Rodney turns and walks away. Del, defeated and dejected,
turns and walks back towards van. Rodney watches him go.
He now turns to go back into flats only to find the main
door is locked. He instinctively reaches for his pocket
and suddenly realises he hasn't got the key. He reaches
towards the security intercom buttons and then realises
that is pointless. He walks back to the top of the steps.
Rodney
(Calls)
Del!
Del
What?
Rodney
I've locked myself out!
Del
You've done what?
Rodney
I've left the key upstairs!
Del
Well, press the intercom
button and tell Cassandra.
Rodney
She won't let me in!
Del
Yeah, I know, but it might
cheer her up a bit
Del walks back to join Rodney. Rodney now accepts his
defeat. He walks sadly and slowly across to Del.
Rodney
This whole thing hasn't
gone quite as well as I
hoped it would.
Del
That's jealousy for you,
bruv! A dangerous thing.
Rodney
We've naused it right up,
ain't we?
Del
What's new?
Rodney now feels the cold chill of fear.
Rodney
(Frightened and
desperate)
What am I gonna do, Del?
Del shakes his head - he doesn't know either.
Del
Come on, Rodney. Let's go
home.
They walk off and both climb into van.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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