EXT. DAY. MARKET.
Del is spieling to a small and indifferent crowd. He is
holding a car/radio e quite cassette. We see quite
clearly the manufacturer's brand name across radio
'Masta F80'. The markings on the radio should be very
distinctive so that we will recognise it immediately
when we see it again in a later scene. In the background
we can see the three-wheeled van and Albert lounging
against it. Behind Del is a large-ish cardboard box
which has printed across it. 'Musta F80 radio cassette'.
We assume that the rest of the rest of the radio
cassettes are in the box.
Del
Now come on, listen to this.
I've come here to sell my
wares. I haven't come here
to be laughed at, chaffed
at or generally mucked
about. I've come to sell my
wares and they're guaran-
teed. Guaranteed to cure
hard core, soft core and
pimples on the tongue.
Right, now, what we got here
today, I tell you what we
got here today, I tell you
what we're doing, we've got
the Musta F80 in-car radio
cassette player as
recommended by Nigel
Mansell.
Laughter from crowd.
Del
(Cont'd)
No no no, straight up. I
wouldn't wind you up would
I, on something as
important as this? This is
solid state of the arts
technology this, and this
is none of your Japanese
or German rubbish - no sir,
this is actually made in
Albania. Listen, let me
show you, let me point out
some of the advantages of
this wonderful machine.
It's got multiple pre-sets,
synthesised tuners,
digital-scan, auto-reverse
graphic equalizer.
(A deep breath
before continuing)
It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD,
RMS, B&Q and ICI And it
comes complete with two,
not one, two, count them,
one...two quadraphonic
speakers! And I am also
giving away free with this
technological miracle one
Kylie Minogue LP. Wait a
minute. Only ten ninety-
nine.
We see a marked lack of enthusiasm from the crowd. Some
begin wandering away.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, listen, don't walk away,
you could regret this for
the rest of your life ... I
tell you what I'm gonna do.
Forget the Kylie Minogue LP.
Right, ten quid... ten quid,
first come, first served.
We cut away to where a bored Albert is lounging against
van. We see Cassandra approaching. She is on her lunch
break.
Cassandra
Hello, Albert.
Albert
Oh, hello, love.
Cassandra
What are you up to?
Albert
I am Trotters Independent
Traders' executive look-out.
The day Rodney went to work
for your Dad I got
promotion.
Cassandra
Yeah? Wish it was that easy
for me.
Albert
What, have the bank said
something about your new
job?
Cassandra
No. I had to sit an inter-
view yesterday. Uh ... my
boss said he'll speak on
my behalf, so it's fingers
crossed.
Albert
You'll get your promotion,
Cassandra, I can feel it in
me bones. It'll make a
lovely anniversary present
for you. Talking of
anniversary presents, I
know what Del's got for you.
But , you know me, I ain't
saying nothing-yeah, don't
wanna spoil the surprise.
Cassandra
Oh go on, spoil it.
Albert
Alright then.
(Quietly)
It's a car radio.
Cassandra
A car ra ..! I've already
got a radio in my car.
Albert
Have you? It'll do for
Rodney then.
Cassandra
Oh yeah, it'll look really
good on his bike, won't it?
Albert
Well, maybe Del's looking
for the future. When you get
your new job you and
Rodney'll become a two car
family.
Cassandra
I think it'll be a long
time before Rodney and I
become a two car family.
Albert
No, but you've only been
married a year, first two
or three are always a
struggle. It was the same
with me and my wife -
yeah, she used to write
and say me how tough it
was.
Cassandra
What do you mean, she used
to write?
Albert
Well, I was away at sea -
there was a war on.
Albert opens his duffel coat. We see pinned to his jacket
is a single medal.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Look. I found this
morning at the bottom of my
duffel bag. I ain't seen
it for years, I thought I'd
lost it.
Cassandra
(Appealing)
Look, Uncle Albert, I’ve
only got one hour for my
lunch!
Albert
(Unmoved by her
pleas)
It was midnight as we sailed
in to this little harbour on
board this Greek herring
trawler - that was our
cover, see.
Del now joins them carrying the box containing the rest
of the radios.
Del
(To Albert)
Oi, what is it your game?
You're supposed to be on
look-out! I haven't seen
you look at anything! The
entire massed bands of the
Metropolitan Police force
could march through here
playing 'I Shot the
Sheriff' and your wouldn't
see nothing!
Albert
It was Cassandra, she wanted
to know where I won me
medal.
Cassandra
Yeah, it was my fault, Del.
I'm sorry. Anyway, I'd
better be going, I've got
to get some shopping in.
Del
Oh yeah, what's that
for, tomorrow night's
anniversary dinner, eh? What
time d'you want us there?
Cassandra reacts - as far as she knew Del and Albert
weren't invited.
Cassandra
I thought Rodney said we'd
take you and Albert out to
a restaurant at a later
date.
Del
Yes, I know and I told
Rodney that that was far
too expensive. No, you
gotta look after your
pennies now, sweetheart.
Cassandra
Thing is, Del, um ... it's
not so much an anniversary
dinner, it's more business
- I've invited a couple of
people along from the bank.
I'm worried you'll get
bored.
Del
No, you don't have to worry
about us! This is your
night, and we don't want to
let you down - you're
family now. Alright?
Cassandra
(knows she can't
win)
Yeah. Eight o'clock okay?
Del
Yeah, lovely jubbly!
As Cassandra is about to leave so Marlene appears with
her new baby in its pram. We can hear the baby crying.
Marlene
Hello Del, hello darling.
Cassandra
Hi, Marlene.
(Referring to baby)
Can I look?
Marlene
Yeah, if you want, but I
warn you he ain't at his
best, miserable little git.
He's missing his morning
nap, ain't you darling?
Cassandra
Oh he's most probably got
wind. Ah, look at him.
Del
(Looking into pram)
Mm... he's a little cracker,
ain't he, eh? Does remind
me of Boycie.
Marlene
Yeah, what, the eyes?
Del
No, no, the wind.
Del and Marlene laugh.
Cassandra
What have you named him?
Marlene
We've called him Tyler.
Cassandra
(Half-hearted)
Tyler ... Nice!
Del
Of course, if it had been a
girl they would have called
it Ruth... then it would
have been know as Ruth
Tyler - tiler - geddit?
Cassandra
(Uncertain whether
to believe him)
Really?
Del
No, it's only ...
(Referring to Cassandra
and Marlene)
What's up with you two?
Marlene approaches Albert.
Marlene
Oh hello, Albert? Cor
blimey, that's not another
medal, is it?
Albert
Yeah, an act of bravery in
the Aegean Sea. I was on
this Greek herring trawler,
When suddenly out of the
darkness come this German
torpedo boat!
Marlene Interrupts him. She's fed up with his sagas as
well.
Marlene
Albert, you must have come
back with more medals than
the Russian Olympic squad!
Marlene leaves him and returns to Del, Cassandra and the
crying baby. This hurts Albert. Nobody wants to listen
to him. He was a hero. He didn't ask to be a hero. His
only crime is talking about it.
Albert
(Sadly)
Oh I didn't ask for 'em!
They kept giving 'em to me.
We cut to Del, Cassandra and Marlene at pram.
Marlene
(To the crying baby)
Oh, shut up, Tyler!
Albert
(Referring to baby)
Giss him here. Giss him
here. I'm a natural with
kids.
Albert wheels the pram away a few yards.
Cassandra
Alright everyone. I'm off
then. Nice to see you.
Del
Yes alright Cassandra. Ta-
ta now love. Bye.
Cassandra exits. During the next few speeches the baby's
crying in background ceases.
Marlene
Bye. That Cassandra's a
nice girl, ain't she?
Rodney was really lucky
marrying her.
Del
Yeah, and I was lumbered
with he old man of the
sea!
Marlene
Hey, talking of sea!
Boycie's just told me you
lot are off on a beano to
Margate!
Del
Oh what, the Jolly Boys
Outing? Yeah, well we go
every couple of years. I
organise it.
Marlene
If he gets up to anything
with a bird in Margate I
am holding you responsible!
Del
Oh he won't get up to
nothing! We'll only be
there a couple of hours.
Marlene
He don't need a couple of
hours! Thirty seconds does
him!
We cut to Albert who is sitting on a box and talking
quietly into the pram. Intercut shots of the baby
smiling and cooing and making baby sounds - as if the
baby is reacting and answering Albert's questions.
Albert
So there I was at the wheel
of this Greek herring
trawler sailing into the
unknown.
Shot of baby.
Albert
(Cont'd)
It was twenty three hundred
hours and the night was
blacker than a bailiff's
heart.
We cut away to Del and Marlene.
Marlene
So where's Rodney working
now?
Del
Mm? Oh he's working with
uh... Alan - you know,
Cassandra's Dad - down at
the printing works.
Marlene
What, what - he managed to
keep that job?
Del
Oh yeah! And he's doing
very nicely. Oh yeah Works
in the computer section.
Marlene
Oh.
Del
They had a trainee start
last month - showing him
all the ropes.
Marlene
Yeah, Rodney'll soon pick
it up.
Del
No, no, Rodney's showing
the trainee all the ropes!
Marlene
Oh.
Cut back to Albert at pram. We don't see the baby now
until the end of this sequence. Albert isn't actually
looking at the baby anymore. He is staring wistfully
into distance.
Albert
Then out the darkness came
this German torpedo boat.
Quick as a flash - and
without giving a second's
thought to me own safety or
anyone else's - I swung the
wheel to port and sent the
trawler right across the
German boat's bow! We were
slightly damaged but Jerry
sunk within a minute...
That's why they gave me
this medal. One day, if
you're lucky, you might
win one of these.
(Thinks about his
last statement)
But then again - hopefully
not.
We now see the baby is sound asleep. Albert smiles. Cut
away to Del and Marlene.
Del
No, What you've gotta under-
stand, Marlene, is that
Rodney's in charge of the
whole computer section! The
entire thing! I don't know
where that firm would be
without Rodney!
INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE/PRINTERS.
The 'office' is in fact a ten by ten room which has
been partitioned off by perspex from a large workshop.
Outside the office we can see printing machines and
people in protective clothing working them. There are
a couple of computers and consoles and one or two
computer printers. As Rodney is in charge of this
area, the place is quite messy, paper everywhere. We
find Rodney in tie loosened and sleeves rolled up,
looking harassed. We cut from Del's last speech to a
computer console screen. The screen is filled with
information. Now we hear a 'beep' as a key is touched
and the screen goes blank. We hear Rodney's voice.
Rodney
(OOV)
Shit!
Now we cut to see Rodney looking at the blank screen.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
That's the second time
I've done that today!
Alan opens the door and enters. As he opens the door we
hear the noise of the busy workshop.
Alan
How's it going, Rodney?
Rodney
(Cool and in
control)
Oh, fine.
Alan
You got those print-outs
ready for the bank yet?
Rodney
Shouldn’t be long, Alan.
Alan
(Chuckling)
I'd be very careful if I was
you, you've wiped them off
once today already.
Rodney and Alan laugh at this.
Rodney
Oh.
(Laughs)
No problem.
Alan
So, what have you bought
Cassandra for your
anniversary then?
Rodney
(Embarrassed)
Oh it was ... clothing.
Alan
Clothing, lovely. Well I
expect I'll see it tomorrow
night, she's bound to wear
it at the dinner.
Rodney
I don't think she will, Alan.
Alan
Well why not? Oh... Oh...
Uh... well I uh... I really
am looking forward to your
anniversary dinner.
Rodney
Yeah, well, so was I till I
found out she's invited
that Stephen and Joanne.
Alan
Oh no, you gotta be fair
son, you know. Stephen is
the assistant head of the
bank's overseas investment
bureau. He's Cassy's boss!
She's applied for
promotion so she's gotta
stay on his good side.
Rodney
I know! But he's such a
yuppy! It's all that,
(mimics Stephen)
'Oh yeah, for sure'. And
all that, 'okay, can I just
run this past you'. Prat!
Alan
Yeah, yeah. I can't stand
him either. But he's the
sort of man that might do
the company some good one
of these days. I'd rather
have him inside the tent
spitting out than outside
the tent spitting in!
Understand?
Rodney
Yeah, course I do.
Alan
Look, Uh... if Cassy is
lucky enough to get this
promotion, one of her jobs
and uh... one of her duties
is going to be entertaining
at home. So she's uh...
invited Stephen and his
wife along to prove that
she can throw a good dinner
party.
Round about this point a young trainee enters and sits at
the second computer.
Rodney
(To Alan)
Yeah, I know. Look, take no
notice of me, right, I'm
just overreacting.
Alan
Well, we'll all be on our
best behaviour, make a good
impression for our little
Cassy, eh?
Alan moves towards the door.
Rodney
Yeah.
(His face suddenly
filled with
horror)
Alan! I've invited Del and
Albert!
Alan
You've what?
Rodney
Well, I had to, well,
they're family!
Alan
(Thinks about it
for a moment)
Oh well, I don't suppose
she'd have been very happy
in her new job anyway.
Rodney wears a sick grin.
Trainee
(To Rodney)
Excuse me, sir.
Rodney looks behind him then realises the trainee means
him.
Rodney
Oh! What?
Trainee
It's just all that data you
had on your screen, it's on
my one now!
We see that the data which Rodney wiped out is now on
second screen.
Rodney
(Bewildered, now
(acts the boss)
Well, of course it is!
(Shakes his head
and smiles at
Alan)
They don't know they're
born, do they?
Alan exits, smiling at the naivety of the trainee.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE/DINER.
It is a recently built flat and the decor furnishing is
modem and tasteful. On one wall and in amongst all the
modem works of art is a print of 'bubbles' (the little
boy blowing bubbles) in a rather crappy, ornate gold
frame.
The dining table is a six-seater so we should have
another two non-matching dining chairs in evidence to
make up the numbers. In the lounge area we have a three-
seater settee and two armchairs (or maybe another
settee - two-seater and one armchair). We also have a
cocktail cabinet or drinks table. Rodney, Cassandra,
Del, Alan, Stephen and his wife Joanne are seated at
dining table. At this point Pam is in the kitchen.
Rodney, Alan Cassandra, Stephen and Joanne are dressed
smartly but casually. Del is done up to kill in three-
piece and tie, his gold 'd' hanging outside shirt, a
gold and ruby tie-pin, his tortoiseshell cigar-holder
and his filofax laid on table.
Albert is wearing his finest including medals. Pam, we
shall discover, is also slightly overdressed.
Stephen is in his early thirties and good-looking. He
is a twenty-four carat 'gold blend' yuppy - although
he hates being called that. He is ultra-confident
verging on the smug and has an irritating habit of
virtually ignoring those he considers beneath him
(This naturally, includes Del and Albert). His con-
versation is littered with modern American clichés
and jargon from the financial world. Joanne is in her
late twenties and is another yuppy. They think
similarly. Their attitudes to him:
Cassy he is her immediate boss and he can help her
achieve her ambitions, plus he seems to know what
he's talking about. She realises that he's a bit of a
pain but she treats him with great politeness. Pam
She thinks Stephen is wonderful and secretly wishes
Cassy had married someone like him. Joanne She also
thinks Stephen is wonderful. Del He admires Stephen's
energy and drive but sees him as a 'fellow yuppy'.
He feels he has to impress Stephen with his own
'insider knowledge'. Alan He suffers Stephen because
his company is expanding and Stephen is helping
arrange a large bank loan. But deep inside he
suspects Stephen is a prat. Rodney He doesn't like
the close working relationship Stephen has with
Cassy. He's almost convinced Stephen's a prat.
Albert He knows Stephen's a prat. Dinner has
finished and plates, etc. cleared away. Everyone is
finishing their wine before coffee and liqueur is
served. Albert is seated in armchair. In front of him
is a low coffee table upon which is spread a Trivial
Pursuits board and accessories. He is reading
answers from the back of cards. We come up on the
table, guests in mid-topic. There is laughter and
smiles, it's a happy occasion and even Stephen can
smile. Laughter.
Stephen
Alright, at first glance it
may appear to be slightly
off the wall. But the word
in the city is big
bucksville.
Alan
Right, so what is the big
secret then?
Cassandra
Stephen's about to tell you
if you give him half a
chance.
Stephen
Alan, this is no stock
market secret or insider
information. It is merely
my humble opinion - for
what it's worth. Okay, let
me run this one past you.
Try and get you heads
round this. I'm going to
say one word - but bear
in mind I am talking
'future' - long term
investment, yeah?
Joanne
It's 'hang in there' time.
Stephen
Yeah, for sure. Okay, this
is the bottom line, take
it on board if you wish.
The word is - Africa!
Del
Africa! I'll make a note of
that in my Filofax, if I
may, Stephen. You got a
pen?
Stephen
No. The two main ladies in
my life, Joanne and Cassy,
know where I'm coming from
on this one. Rodney reacts
to this.
Cassandra
Stephen was telling me
about the projected world
growth areas the other day
over brunch.
Stephen
And Africa is where it's
at. Recently Joanne and I
spent a little time down in
Afrique sur-mer.
(Chuckles at this
time)
All the others at table, except for Rodney, chuckle
politely.
Del
(To Stephen)
Fabrique belgique.
Stephen
This is it.
Stephen looks at Del and wonders what the hell 'Fabrique
belgique' meant. He now continues.
Stephen
(Cont'd)
Fruit produce, yeah? With
the introduction of new
technology we could be
talking returns of left-
field proportions. Take the
banana crop alone, we are
into mega-growth.
Del
Well, you can't go wrong,
Stephen. The bigger the
banana the better, ha ha,
that's my motto.
Stephen
For sure. And statistically
we are talking ...
(To Del)
What?
Del
Well, what I mean is that,
uh... it's easier to sell
bigger bananas than little
'uns! Ain't it Rodney, eh?
Alan
Uh, Del, I think when uh...
Stephen talks about 'growth'
he's talking about financial
investment, not about the
uh - well, the actual size
of the banana.
Del
Oh yeah. No... yeah... no
it's... I just wasn't sure.
Pam enters from kitchen pushing a trolley containing
coffee things.
Pam
Coffee, everyone?
Del
Ah, lovely jubbly.
Cassandra
Mummy, I was about to do
that.
Pam
That's alright, darling.
You were talking with
Stephen, so I thought I
might as well make myself
useful.
Joanne
It's a lovely little flat,
Cassandra, everything is
so... well, so well
coordinated.
Cassandra
Thanks.
Del
(To Joanne)
That's 'cos Rodney has got
a GCE in Art.
Cassandra
(Desperate to change
the subject)
Liqueurs, anyone? Dad?
Alan
Oh yeah, yeah, I'll have a
scotch, please love.
Pam gives him a warning glance.
Alan
(Cont'd)
Uh, no, make that a small
port please.
Cassandra Roddy?
Del
Roddy!
(Laughs, now to
Albert)
Roddy! Oi Albert, she only
calls him Roddy, look.
Albert laughs.
Rodney
(Embarrassed)
I'll have a lager.
Pam
Derek?
Del
Mm ... brandy, please,
Pamela.
Pam
Armagnac?
Del
Yeah, that'll do if you're
out of brandy.
Albert
I'll have a rum, dear.
Pam
Yes, we know!
Joanne
I'll stay with the wine.
Stephen
Yeah, same here. I've gotta
be up early in the morning,
playing baseball.
Del
Oh, baseball! Yeah! No... I
love it. I always watch it
on Channel Four.
Rodney
You don't like baseball!
You've always called it
silly boys rounders!
Del
Yeah, that was before that
I knew it was 'in'! Nowadays
it's the sort of game that
guys like uh, me and Stephen
enjoy.
Stephen
How d'you mean? Guys like me
and Stephen?
Del
Well, you know, yuppies.
Stephen
Yup ...
(An embarrassed grin
to the others)
Derek, I am not a yuppy.
Del thinks being called a yuppy is one of the greatest
honours a man can have bestowed upon him. He now
reassures Stephen.
Del
You are, Stephen, you are!
Guaranteed.
Stephen
No, no, really ...
Del
(Interrupts him)
Take it from me, son. You
are!
Del gives him a reassuring 'you're on of us' wink. We
see Rodney and Alan are hiding their smiles.
Stephen, quickly changes subject. Lots of false cheer-
fulness.
Stephen
Okay, well are you gonna
give me the chance to wipe
the floor with you at
Trivial Pursuit or not?
Joanne
Oh yeah, brill ...
Stephen, Joanne, Cassandra and Pam move to game. Del,
Rodney and Alan are a bit slower.
Del
(To Rodney. Rubbing
his hands together)
All right, yeah! Trivial
Pursuits, eh? Heheh! Lovely
Jubbly!
(To Rodney)
How d'you play it?
Rodney, fearing the questions may be above Del, he is
concerned for his brother's feelings.
Rodney
The thing is, Del Boy, it's
all about general knowledge
- you know, it's a bit
intellectual.
Del
Oh yeah?
Alan
(Also concerned
for Del)
Yeah. Some of the questions
are, you know, really
difficult. It Could be a
bit embarrassing.
Del
(To Rodney and
Alan)
Don't worry, I'll help you
two out. Alright?
Rodney and Alan share a look as Del moves towards game.
Alan and Rodney follow. Everybody is seated or finding
seats. During the following speeches everybody takes a
turn at throwing the dice to see who starts the game.
Albert
So... So what part of
Africa did you go to?
Del
(To Rodney)
I bet he's been there!
Joanne
Well, the trip ended at
Dar Es Salaam.
Albert
I've been there.
Stephen
Okay! Look, this is really
boring. We left Nairobi
then went south to Moshi,
across the Serengeti to
Musoma then the long trek
east to the coast.
Del
(Quietly mimicking
Albert)
During the war.
Albert
During the war we pursued a
German battleship down the
eastern coast and right the
way through the Zanibar
Channel. Three days and
nights we chased it.
Joanne
Did you catch it?
Albert
Yeah, worse luck, it sunk
us.
Joanne
We'll have to find that
holiday brochure for
Cassandra.
Stephen
Yeah, for sure. Right! Try
and get your heads round
this, okay? Imagine the sun
setting on the vast waters
of Lake Victoria... A
hundred thousand wildebeest
grazing on the Masai
Steppe, yeah?
Joanne
Oh yeah, wonderful.
Stephen
(Especially to
Cassandra)
A misty, sleepy dawn rises
to reveal Kilimanjaro in all
its hypnotic majesty.
Cassandra
Oh, it sounds great!
A pause.
Del
We're all going on a beano
to Margate next Saturday,
Stephen. D'you fancy coming?
Stephen
Me? oh, em, yeah it sounds
great but it's bank holiday
weekend and uh ... Joanne
and I always spend them
together.
Joanne
No, I'm going away to Mummy
and Daddy's next Saturday,
remember.
Stephen gives her a look that could kill.
Cassandra
It's better than being on
your own, Stephen. It'll
get you out of the old
routine.
Stephen
No, I mean, I... I wouldn't
know anyone.
Albert
Course you will. Rodney's
going.
Rodney and Cassandra react. He wanted to tell Cassandra
himself and she's not best pleased at finding out this
way.
Cassandra
(To Rodney)
You're going?
Rodney
Yeah. Well, it's tradition.
You know, it's the Jolly
Boys' Outing.
Cassandra
The what?
Del
It's the Jolly Boys Outing.
We've been going on 'em for
years.
Pam
(To Cassandra)
Oh you can't stop Rodney
from going, darling. After
all, it's only a day out.
It'll do him good.
Del
Yeah. Anyway, your Dad'll
be there to keep an eye on
him, won't you?
Alan closes his eyes as Pam explodes.
Pam
(To Alan)
You're off on a bloody
beano?
Alan
Well, Del mentioned it. I
thought ... uh, you know,
a bit of sea air, do me
good.
Pam
You're going to get drunk,
aren't you? And make
yourself ill on jellied
eels.
Alan
I'm not gonna drink any-
thing and I'm not gonna
eat! I'm just gonna -
enjoy myself!
Stephen
Well fine. Roll again,
Derek, and uh ... I'll ask
the questions.
Del rolls the dice and then moves his counter the approp-
riate number of squares.
Del
Alright, there we go. Four.
What do I do now? This me,
yeah? That one. Look, one,
two, three, four.
Stephen
Oh, S&N.
Del
S&N, ha ha! What's A&N?
Stephen
Science and Nature.
Del
Oh right.
Stephen
(Takes card and
looks at question)
Oh God! It's so simple!
(Reads to Del)
'What is a female swan
called'?
Del
What is em ... female swan
called?
Stephen
(Incredulously)
You don't know?
Del
No no no no. I do, I do.
It's just that it's at the
back of me uh... me brain
there. Um... Oh! Can you
giss a clue.
Albert
Three ... three letters.
Stephen
Oh come on now! There's
nothing in the rules about
clues!
Del
Ah, it's a fe ... Female
swan. Three letters. Um...
We now see Rodney has produced a ballpoint pen - one of
the cheap, see-through type. He is attracting Del's
attention by tapping the pen. Del spots this.
Del
Um, wait a minute, uh...
got it. It's a Bic!
Stephen reacts. Del picks up the dice and rolls again.
Del
(Cont'd)
We are off and running!
INT. DAY. TRAVELLING COACH.
We see the coach's radio and establish that it is a
'Musta F80'. At this moment the radio is working
perfectly (no smoke).
Music is playing - 'Help' by Bananarama. We establish the
faces - some singing along, others chatting. The two
faces we shouldn't see at this time are the driver's and
Alan's. We see Albert is asleep. Mickey Pearce sings
into Albert's ear.
Mickey
(High pitched)
Won't you please, please
help me? Help me...!
Albert
(Wakes with a
start)
Get out you noisy little
git!
Mickey
You miserable old sod!
You're on a beano, you're
supposed to be enjoying
yourself.
Albert
I haven't had my full
quota of sleep, and I'm
starving hungry. Why'd we
have to leave before
breakfast?
Jevon
Don't you read the papers,
Albert? The railways are
on strike.
Albert
So?
Jevon
And it's a bank holiday
weekend.
(Now as if he is
talking to a
child)
Which means the roads are
gonna be choc-a-bloc,
that's why we left early.
Now repeat that back to me,
I want to make sure you
understand.
Albert
I'll give you a clump round
the ear in a minute.
Jevon and Mickey laugh. Del is passing up the aisle.
Albert
(Con'd)
Del, d'you reckon I could
get something to eat?
Del
Yeah, 'course you can, Unc,
Denzil's in charge of the
sandwiches. Tell you what,
you sit there, and I'll go
an' get some for you,
alright? Lazy old git!
Del moves towards back of coach.
Jevon
You've gotta give Del his
dues, ain't ya? He did all
the catering by himself.
Mickey
Oh leave off, Jevon, can
you see Del Boy standing in
a kitchen cutting up all
them loaves? He probably
got some idiot to do it for
him.
Trigger
No, I made 'em for him.
See Rodney's reaction. Cut to a seat towards back of
coach. We see Denzil seated at aisle seat. On the window
seat is a large cardboard box filled with cellophane
wrapped sandwiches. He produces a small plastic drum of
pills. As he pops a couple in his mouth he reacts. He is
behaving suspiciously. We see Del is standing there and
has witnessed this.
Del is disgusted with him, hands him a can of beer.
Del
Here y'are, want some bitter
to wash them down with?
Denzil, what's your game?
Don't your realise the
damage that stuff does to
you?
Denzil
They're antibiotics!
Del
What?
Denzil
Antibiotics, the doctor
prescribed 'em.
(Hands can of beer
back)
And I don't need that, I'm
not supposed to drink with
'em... I've got this
infection.
Del
(Assuming it's the
clap or worse)
Oh have you?
Denzil
It's in the ear.
Del
How's it get there then?
Denzil
That's where you normally
get ear infections.
Del
Oh.
Denzil
Listen Del, you won't tell
the others about this, will
you? I mean, these days
people get the wrong idea
about this sort of thing.
Del
Oh come on, don't be silly,
Denzil. Course I won't.
Denzil
It's just an ear infection,
that's all.
Del
Oi, oi, oi, Denzil! You
don't have to prove yourself
to me, do you? I'm your
mate.
Denzil
Cheers, Del.
Del
That's alright. Oh by the
way, there's been a change
in plan. You're no longer
in charge of the sandwiches.
Del picks up the box of sandwiches and moves towards
front of coach, leaving Denzil flabbergasted.
Del
(Calls towards front
of coach)
Michael, your luck's
changed. You're in charge
of the grub.
Sid has a fag hanging from his lips and looks his usual
scruffy self. He calls Del.
Sid
Oi, I wanna word with you.
Del
Yeah? What is it, Sid?
Sid
I own a cafe, right?
Del
Yeah, right, so what?
Sid
So, why didn't you ask me
to make the sandwiches?
Del
Well, the explanation is
simple. We intend to eat
them!
Sid
Oh... alright, then.
Del
Right then.
(Moves away)
Alright lads, only another
ten minutes, then we'll be
at the halfway house,
that's when the serious
stuff begins.
A cheer from the Jolly Boys.
Jevon
Make those lagers long and
cool.
Rodney
Oh yes! Look out Margate,
and lock up your daughters.
Hey?
(Looks to one side
(and reacts)
Alright, Alan?
We see Alan sitting at window seat.
Alan
Yeah, I'm alright, son...
Mike is moving down the coach, handing out the sandwiches.
Mike
Salad... There's cheese for
you Tone. Um... There you go
Denzil.
Mike hands something to Denzil. We don't see what it is
at this point. Denzil, who is looking out of the window,
automatically takes it. We hear a bell tinkle. He now
looks to see that Mike has given him the brass bell he
calls time with in the pub. The whole coach is now
laughing.
Denzil
(Reacts angrily)
Where is he?
Denzil stands and searches for Del. We see Del standing
at the front of the coach.
Denzil
(Cont'd)
You promised you wouldn't
say anything!
Del
(Can hardly talk
through laughter)
Sorry, Denzil, it just
sorta slipped out!
We hear others calling 'eurghhh' and 'unclean!' etc.
Denzil sits and smiles - he knows all the jibes are good
natured. Del, still laughing, moves to the very front
seat. His attention is drawn to something in the driving
console of the cab. We now see that the 'Musta F80'
radio is smouldering ever so slightly. He ponders the
phenomenon until his concentration is broken by Rodney's
voice.
Rodney
(Pointing out of
front window)
Hey Del. Here y'are mate.
It's the halfway house.
Del
Ah! Hey! Lovely Jubbly!
(Laughs)
EXT. DAY. HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
We see the halfway house with a few empty coaches already
parked there. From inside we can hear the sound of pop
music. We see the Jolly Boys' coach pull off the road and
stop.
INT. DAY. LOBBY OF HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
Two sets of double doors and one single door lead off
from the lobby. We give the impression that the two sets
of swing doors lead to two separate bars. Through the
frosted glass of these doors we should see bodies crammed
against them to give the impression of a packed pub. A
sign above the single door reads simply 'Toilets'. Heavy
music is playing over. Albert and Sid are standing in
lobby sipping their almost-finished halves of bitter.
Mike enters from one of the bars.
Mike
(Urgency in his
voice)
Oi! You seen Del Boy around?
Sid
He was here just now. Why?
What's up?
Mike
I think old Harry's had too
much to drink - he's fallen
over twice. Now he's tryin'
to juggle with pickled
eggs.
Albert
So what's that gotta do
with Del?
Mike
Well, Del organised this
outing so it's his
responsibility. I'll try
the other bar.
As Mike is about to enter the second bar so Eddie
Chambers exits from it. Eddie is about the same age a
Mike. He's and East End landlord. They almost pass
each other.
Mike
Sorry mate.
Eddie
Oi, Mike! It is you, innit?
Mike
I don't believe it! Eddie
Chambers! 'Ere, I heard
you'd emigrated.
Eddie
That's right, yeah, I had a
pub on the Isle of Wight.
So, you still in the trade?
Mike
Yeah, yeah, got a lovely
little pub down in Peckham.
(Indicating Albert
and Sid)
There's two of my satisfied
regulars over there.
Sid and Albert look behind them to see who he's talking
about.
Mike
(Cont'd)
you uh... around for a
while, then Eddie?
Eddie
Yeah, 'bout another half
hour.
Mike
Oh, I'll catch up with you.
We'll... we'll have a right
old chat. I've gotta dash.
A bit of business. See you
later.
Eddie
Ah right, yeah!
Mike exits to second bar. Eddie exits to toilets.
Albert
Panic over the slightest
little thing these days.
Wouldn't have done in the
war, Sid.
Sid
I wouldn't really know,
Albert. I spent most of my
time in a German prisoner
of war camp. Got captured
on this little island
called Siros - in the
Dodecanese - just off the
Greek coast.
Albert
No chance of escape from
there I suppose.
Sid
Well, a few of us tried it
one night. Got right down
to the harbour, over-
powered some German sailors
and nicked their boat -
fast bugger it was as well.
We'd almost made it to the
open sea and this poxy
Greek fishing trawler cut
right across our path! Got
fished out by the Germans
and spent the rest of the
war in a stalag.
Albert
(Indicating Sid's
empty glass)
Fancy another one, Sid?
Sid
Yeah, why not?
Albert takes glass and exits to bar.
INT. DAY. GENTS TOILETS OF HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
Del is washing his hands at basin. Eddie is at urinals.
Del is being very fastidious about washing and drying
his hands. He is just about to leave when Mike enters.
Mike
Oh there you are! Del.
Listen, we've got a bit of
a problem out in the main
bar.
Del
Why, what's happened now?
Eddie
'Ere, gotta stop meeting
like this, Michael!
Mike
Talk about a bad penny!
Del, I'd like you to meet
an old mate of mine. Eddie
Chambers - Del Trotter.
Eddie zips his flies and shakes hands with Del.
Eddie
Nice to meet you, Del.
Del
And you, Eddie.
Eddie moves to basins. Del now looks at his polluted
right hand and then joins Eddie at the basins.
Mike
Eddie and I used to be
rivals over in the East
End, we had pubs almost
opposite each other.
Del
Yeah?
Eddie
Yeah, except mine was
better than yours.
Mike
You must be joking! Del,
you know how I run a pub,
don't you?
Del
Yeah, that's right. His
must have been better
than yours, Mike.
Mike
Oh thank you very much!
(To Eddie)
You still doing it then,
Eddie?
Eddie
No, no, I got out the pub
game years ago. I own a
club now in Margate - the
Mardi Gras. We do a decent
meal, we gotta resident
cabaret, you know, a
singer, a magic act, a good
comedian, I mean ... What
more'd you want for a
fiver?
Del
Well that sounds fair
enough to me, Eddie. Here,
we're on a beano to
Margate as it happens.
Here, I tell you what, I
just had an idea!
Mike looks at Del with an expression of, 'oh no! another
scheme'.
Del
(Cont'd)
Why don't you give us some
complimentary tickets,
like, you know - just to
get the ball rolling - and
we'll bring the rest of
the coach party down to
your place to pay at the
door? We could pack your
place out.
Eddie
(Gives it a moment's
consideration)
Yeah, I'll have some of
that.
Del
Good man.
(Winks at Mike)
Eddie
(Hands Mike and
Del some tickets)
Tell you what, look. Two
for you, two for you Del.
Del
There you are, you see, you
know it makes sense.
Eddie
Yeah. Maybe I'll see you
later then mate.
Del
Yeah, see you later then
Eddie.
Mike
Yeah... good luck. Cheers
Eddie.
Eddie
Thank you Mike.
Eddie exits.
Mike
(To Del)
What do we want complimen-
tary tickets for a
night-club for, Del?
We've gotta be out of
Margate by seven!
Del
Oh look. Thank you very
much. Use your brains,
will you Michael? We might
be able to flog 'em to the
holiday-makers, eh? Make
ourselves a few bob. You
know what I mean?
Mike
Don't you ever stop?
Del
No. Yuppies never switch
off, Michael. It's all or
nothing with us! Right,
now, what's this problem?
Mike
I think you'd better come
and have look at old
Harry.
Del
What? Hey? Cor...
They exit.
EXT. DAY. HALFWAY HOUSE PUB.
Rodney, Mickey, Jevon and Denzil are having a very gentle
kick-around with a plastic football. They're really
passing the ball between them. We now see Del and Albert
exit from pub and hold the double doors open for someone
who is following. Harry, who appears to be paralytic,
exits being supported on either side by Mike and Trigger.
Boycie, Alan and Sid exit behind them.
Del
Alright, Harry, you'll be
alright, mate. You'll be
alright.
Cut back to Rodney, Mickey Jevon and Denzil.
Rodney
Look at the state of him!
Jevon
And it's only eleven o'
clock!
Sid
(To Alan, referring
to Harry)
This is good news, innit?
Alan
It's no problem. You just
chuck him on the back
seat, let him sleep it
off.
Boycie
Chuck him on the back seat?
He's the driver!
Alan
The dri... Oh bloody 'ell!
Boycie, Alan and Sid join Del and Albert as Mike and
Trigger help Harry towards the coach.
Albert
So what we gonna do now?
Del
I don't know yet. I mean,
there's bound to be a way
out of it. There's always a
way.
Albert
Here, young Denzil's a long
distance lorry driver.
Boycie
That's right, he could
handle that coach, no
problem.
Alan
No, he's just got a Heavy
Goods Licence. To drive
that coach he'd need a
Public Service Licence.
Sid
He's got one of them an'
all, he used to drive on
the buses with me years
ago.
Del
Well that's it then, innit,
eh? We're saved.
(Calls)
Oi, Denzil! Come over here.
This your lucky day.
Denzil
(Emphatically)
No!
Del
No? What d'you mean, 'no'?
Denzil
I am not driving that
coach! I've been driving
all week and this is my day
off!
Boycie
If you don't drive it we'll
have to wait here until
Harry sobers up.
Albert
And by the look of him that
could take about a fort-
night!
Denzil
Well Sid used to be on the
buses, he can drive it.
Sid
I'd love to, Denzil, but
I've had a couple of drinks.
Denzil
Yeah, so have I, you see.
Del
No you haven't. You're not
allowed to drink. You're on
antibiotics because of your
disease.
Denzil
I have not got a disease! I
have got an ear infection!
Cut away to coach where Mike and Trigger are helping
Harry up the steps.
Mike
Get your left foot up,
Harry. Come on.
Trigger
What d'you think's wrong
with him?
Mike
What do I think? Well, snow
-blindness would be my bet,
Trig.
Trigger
Yeah? I thought he was
pissed.
We now see two policemen sitting in a panda car about
twenty or so yards away. They watch with interest as the
hapless Harry is assisted into the coach. They smile to
themselves as they feel a nick coming on. They alight
from the panda car. We cut away to Del and co. Del,
Boycie, Alan, Albert and Sid are pleading with Denzil.
Denzil
Alright! Alright! I'll
drive it on one condition -
Harry drives it home.
Del
Good boy, Denzil, you know
it makes sense. That's it,
good lad, Go on then, get
on there.
They move towards the coach. Rodney, Mickey and Jevon
are still having a kick-about. Del, Who is now standing
at the coach, calls to them.
Del
(Cont'd)
Right, come on then you
lot, come on. Let's get on
board. Hurry up! Oi! You
three! Get on the coach,
we're ready for the off
now. Rodney, give me that
ball.
Rodney
(Throws the ball
in the air)
Ruud Gullit - nowhere!
As the ball drops Rodney gives it a powerful volley in
Del's direction. We cut away to Del. The policeman steps
into shot.
Policeman
(To Del)
Excuse me sir.
The ball now smacks the policemen in the side of head
knocking his hat off and sending him flying out of shot.
We see Rodney's horrified reaction to this. He looks
like a drunk. We see Del helping the policeman up.
Del
(To policeman)
'Ere, what happened? Hey?
The policeman looks to where Rodney is standing.
Policeman
You! You’re under arrest!
Rodney
I couldn't help it!
Del
(Does gentle throwing
motion)
Yeah, He's right, officer.
He's right. He just... He
just, you know, he just
'threw' the ball back to
me, like that.
Policeman
(To Rodney)
I don't know how much you
had to drink, son, but
it's too much! In the car!
Rodney
(Does the gentle
throwing motion)
No, I just 'threw' the
ball back at him!
Policeman
You can tell me all about
it - at the station!
The policeman is now leading Rodney towards the panda
car.
EXT. DAY. POLICE STATION.
The coach with everyone on board except Rodney, Del and
Alan, is parked outside the police station. We see
Boycie at window of coach. He checks his watch and sights
heavily. We now see Del, Rodney and Alan exit from
station.
Rodney
What's Cassandra gonna say
about this?
Alan
There's no need for
Cassandra to know anything
about it.
Rodney
And what happens when the
summons arrives?
Del
Oh summons, what summons?
They're not proceeding
with the case!
Rodney
Del, that copper has just
charged me and taken a
statement ! He's keeping
the ball as Exhibit A!
Del
He also reckoned the Chief
Inspector wouldn't take it
any further. They'll let
you off with a warning!
Rodney
Yeah, but say the don't?
Alan
We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it. I
think you're in the clear,
in fact I'm sure you are.
Come on, let's get on the
coach.
Rodney
Alright.
Del
Come on, that's the spirit,
you know it makes sense.
They climb on to the coach.
Del
(Cont'd)
Right, come on then Denzil.
Full ahead folks, we're
off to Margate!
EXT. DAY. MARGATE.
Montage of traveling shots and arrival of coach in
Margate. Shots on seafront, beach, funfair.
EXT. DAY. JETTY.
The music 'Everybody's Talking at Me' fades and we find
Del and Rodney sitting on an upturned boat. It is now
six in the evening and they are both looking tired and
ragged.
Del
Phew! Ooh!
Rodney
Well, the coach leaves in
an hour. Hasn't been a bad
day though, has it?
Del
No, it's bin alright, bruv,
it's been alright. I've
really enjoyed meself...
I'm feeling a bit cream-
crackered now, though. I
think I might have a touch
of that yuppy-flu, you
know.
Rodney
Yeah? Couldn't have some-
thing to do with the
lobster vindaloo and
fourteen pina coladas,
could it?
Del
Well, it might have slowed
me down a bit, yeah. I went
down the cemetery yesterday
- put some flowers on
Mum's grave.
Rodney
(Embarrassed)
I ain't been down there
lately, Del - There's...
There's always something to
do, you know.
Del
No, no, it's alright
Rodders. She understands.
She knows that you still
think about her.
Rodney
Yeah,'course I do.
Del
Yeah, I just, you know , I
was... um... I just sat
there, you know, I was like
chatting and that - just
letting her know what's
been happening ... I bet
she was well pleased. Yeah.
D'you know your Cassandra,
she reminds me a bit of
Mum, you know.
Rodney
(At first he has a
worried expression
as he thinks of
Mum's reputation)
Oh -good.
Del
She's got drive, ain't she?
You know. That's one thing
Mum had, yeah, Mum had a
lot of drive.
Rodney
(Half-hearted, almost
hollow praise)
Yeah, Cassandra's very
ambitious.
Del
That's good, innit?
Rodney
Mmmh... Nothing gets in the
way of her career, no doubt
about that.
Del
You must be well pleased.
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
'cos she's and achiever!
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Yeah, she's a bit like me
in many ways.
Rodney
Yeah, I s'ppose so.
Del
Mm... I've always been an
achiever. I've never
actually achieved nothing
mind you, but I've always
been in with a shout.
(Gestures to the
sea)
You know, this... this
reminds me of the time me
and Jumbo Mills set up a
seafood stall outside the
Nag's Head. "Eels on
Wheels' we called it. We
was gonna build empires,
you know. You know, every
pub in London was gonna
have a seafood stall
outside called Eels on
Wheels ... D'you know
what I said to him the
night that we came up
with the scheme?
Rodney
(Quietly)
This time next year we'll
be millionaires.
Del
(Hasn't heard it)
I said, 'This time next
year we'll be millionaires'.
And we could have been,
Rodney. We could have been.
You know what killed off
Eels on Wheels, don't you?
It was Television!
Rodney
What, The Cook Report?
Del
No, no, no. It was the
television started human-
ising fish.
Rodney
What you going on about?
Del
They did. They started to
make fish human! You know,
first of all there was that
shark thing, Flipper - he
had more GCE'S than you.
Then there was Squidly
Diddly, the octopus, he
used to play the drums.
There was Michael Fish!
Rodney
And that put you out of
business?
Del
Yes, it's true, I'm telling
you. Mothers used to come
round complaining that
their kids refused to eat
our homemade fish fingers
in case they was related to
The Man from Atlantis! And
that report from the
council health inspector
didn't help none either.
I could have made it
though, bruv! I could have!
Rodney smiles at him. He loves him and his silly drams.
Rodney
You will, Del, you will.
Del
Never stop believing, eh,
Bruv?
Rodney
Never stop believing ...
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
(Checks his watch)
Come on Andy, time to go
home.
Del
Yeah.
They stand and walk away.
EXT. DAY. MARGATE COACH PARK.
We cut away to an area where we see the Jolly Boys
congregating around their coach. To one side of area we
have a BT telephone kiosk (one of those see-through
ones).
Here we see Rodney pressing out a number. We now see
Denzil at coach door.
Denzil
Are we all here now, Del?
Del
No, we're just waiting for
Rodney, He's reporting in
to headquarters.
Denzil sighs at Rodney's plight and then goes back
inside coach. We now inter-cut between Rodney in Kiosk
and Cassandra in hall of their flat.
Rodney
(On phone)
Hi, Cass? It's me.
Cassandra
(Acts over-surprised
and over-friendly,
as if she knows
something and is
leading him into a
trap)
Roddy! I've been waiting
for your call all day.
Rodney
(Reacts)
Have you?
Cassandra
Mmh! So how are you?
Rodney
Oh, we're fine. Listen,
we're at the coach park,
we'll be off in a couple of
minutes.
We cut away to Denzil in driver's seat. There is a tiny
haze of smoke wafting around the driving area. Denzil
sniff's the air and then searches for the source. We
cut away to Del and Harry (the original driver). Harry
is sitting on an upturned crate and nursing his aching
head.
Harry
'Ere, you won't tell my
guv'nor what happened, will
you Del? I'd get the bullet
if he found out about this.
Del
Leave it out, Harry, what
sorta bloke d'you think I
am?
Harry
I had one glass of lemonade
in that pub! I don't know
what happened. Oh... I felt
strange - it was as if I'd
been overcome by fumes or
something.
Del
Yeah, well, whatever it was,
it's lucky we had Denzil
about, weren't it, eh?
Harry
Don't I know it. He's a good
bloke, that Denzil.
Del
Good bloke! He's one of the
best - one of the very best.
Denzil calls from the coach.
Denzil
(Calls)
Del!
Del
What does that dipstick
want now?
Denzil
(Calls)
There's smoke coming from
the radio.
Del
(Calls)
Well you must have pressed
the wrong button or
something. Oh look, I'll
come and sort it out.
Cut away to phone conversation between Rodney and
Cassandra.
Rodney
So how's your day been?
Cassandra
Oh, usual sort of thing.
Oh, Stephen phoned this
morning.
Rodney
(Shows his dislike
for Stephen)
Did he?
Cassandra
Yeah. He'd found that
holiday brochure he'd been
telling us about. Mummy
called round to see if I'd
like to have lunch with her,
then the Kent Police
Constabulary phoned to
confirm that you lived at
this address.
Rodney
Oh! That was nice of them,
wasn't it?
Del and Denzil are studying the smouldering radio.
Denzil
I mean, it's not s'pposed
to do that, is it?
Del
Well, no, we it wasn't in
the brochure at least.
(Calls)
Oi! Boycie! Boycie, here!
Come here a minute.
Boycie
Yes, What is it?
Rodney
Look, you see, Dell said
'Give me the ball'.
Cassandra
(Breaks in)
Oh! I might have guessed
Del would be behind it some-
where!
Rodney
No, he didn't mean to get
me into trouble!
Cassandra
Well, he never does, does
he? Yet it seems every time
Del's around you something
goes wrong and you're at
the sticky end of it!
Rodney
(Defending Del)
Not every time!
Del
What're we supposed to do
about it?
Mike
Well, I'd switch it off if
I was you, Del. The main
petrol line runs right
underneath there.
Del
Blimey!
Del switches radio off. As he does so flames shoot out
of radio and continue burning. There is a mild-is panic
amongst the observers.
Del
Gordon Bennett!
Denzil
We gotta do something about
this!
Boycie
Someone get some water.
Del
Yes, good idea. Water, we
need loads of water.
Trigger
Ain't this coach fitted
with a fire distinguisher?
Del
(Gets out)
Abandon ship! Come on, get
off there.
Cassandra
(In mid-flight and
all fired up)
...and what about that
time he entered one of your
paintings in a competition
and you won first prize?
In the under-fifteen
category!
Rodney
Yes, I do seem to recollect
it. But I don't think he...
Cassandra
(Breaks in)
... and I had to spend a
week in Majorca posing as
your common-law step-mother!
Del is organising the evacuation.
Del
Come on then everybody.
Hurry up. Look lively.
Rodney
Alright, look, I agree that
Del gets a bit out of hand,
but I think it's unfair to
say that everything he
touches goes wrong!
Rodney's speech is interrupted by an explosion as a ball
of flames erupts twenty or so yards behind him. We see
the flames' reflection on the glass of the kiosk. Rodney
turns to see that the entire front half of the coach is
engulfed in flame. We have a shot in which we establish
that all the Jolly Boys are safe.
Rodney
(On phone)
Cass? You still there? Our
coach has just blown up!
We see Harry looking aghast at his burning vehicle.
Del
(Spots Harry)
Don't worry, Harry, I won't
tell your guv'nor about it!
EXT. NIGHT. MARGATE RAILWAY STATION.
We don't see the station at this point. We see the Jolly
Boys marching down the road. They march with determin-
ation and in silence - we get the impression that
there's been a few rows as everyone has blamed everyone
else for the fire. They arrive at the railway station to
find the entrance is shuttered. A board outside reads:
'Station closed due to industrial action. BR regret any
inconvenience to passengers.'
Del
I don't believe it! There's
only a bloody train strike!
Boycie
Uh... my son is being
christened in three weeks'
time!
Sid
What about my cafe?
Mike
I've got a pub to run, Del!
Jevon
I was supposed to meet a
bird at nine!
Trigger
And I lost my dolphin!
Del
Well, just shut up? I've
just about had enough of
the lot of you!
Denzil
(Indicates Green
Line bus stop)
What about a Green Line?
There's a bus stop over
there.
Rodney
Yes. Good idea, Denzil!
They move to bus stop and check timetable.
Del
That's it... that's uh
uh... there you are, look.
The next bus to London is
at twenty hundred hours!
Haha! What's that mean,
Rodney?
Rodney
Eight o'clock. So wee got
half hour wait.
Del
Ah well, that's not too
bad.
Alan
No, wait a minute, wait a
minute. That's the normal
schedule... That's the
normal schedule.
(Points further
down timetable)
Look here... uh... Bank
holidays, Christmas, last
bus goes at 19.20. We
missed it by ten minutes.
Mickey
So when's the next one
then?
Alan
Ten past eight tomorrow
morning.
Boycie
Wonderful! Absolutely
wonderful!
Trigger
We could hitch-hike.
Mike
What, twenty-seven of us?
Trigger
Oh yeah.
Albert
I remember once just after
the war.
Rodney
Oh don't start, Unc!
Mickey
We've had enough of your
stupid stories for one day.
Albert!
Del
Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's
a war hero, he's got a
right to speak!
Albert
I fought for free speech!
Del
(To Albert)
Shuddup!
Mickey
So why does he have to
keep saying such stupid
things then?
Del
Look, you keep on Mickey,
and the back of my hand is
gonna have a quiet word
with your ear'ole!
Denzil
Oh that's it! Let's all
have a punch-up in the
middle of the street -
that'd put the cherry on
the cake, wouldn't it?
(To Del)
And this is the last time
I come out on a beano with
you!
Del
And that's the last time
I'm gonna invite you! And
I tell you another
thing...
Alan
Look, calm down, calm down.
You'll get nowhere arguing.
Now, let's look at the
facts. What we got here is
Hobson's Choice. We can't
get a train, the last bus
has gone, our own vehicle
is somewhat out of action.
The coach company has
promised to send down a
replacement vehicle -
tomorrow morning at nine
o'clock. So there you have
it, gentlemen.
We hear moans and groans of acceptance - they don't like
it but they realise Alan is right.
Trigger
(To Alan)
So what you saying?
Alan
What I'm saying is, we're
gonna have to spend the
night here. We book into a
hotel, a bed and breakfast
- it's only for one night.
Sid
You seem to be forgetting
something. This is a bank
holiday. This town is full
to the rafters with
holiday-makers. Where are
we gonna find a room?
Alan
There's bound to be a
couple of them still vacant.
Boycie
Yes, but there's twenty-
seven of us!
Now the eyes are filled with a new-found alertness. They
all realise that rooms are at a premium and it's first
come, first served. They have to be swift and find a bed
before the others but they have to do it casually so as
not to alert the rest.
Jevon
Er, me and Mickey are gonna
take a little walk on the
sea front.
Del
Yeah, well, we feel like...
um... you know, stretching
our legs.
Boycie
I quite fancy taking the
night air. How about you,
Michael?
Slowly and casually the Jolly Boys start dispersing in
groups of twos and threes in different directions. They
are all keeping their eyes on each other waiting to see
who makes the first move. It is Jevon, Mickey and
Denzil who start running first. Now Del, Rodney and
Albert break into a gallop. Boycie, Mike and Alan
follow their example. We see the Jolly Boys rushing
away from the station in various directions. The only
one who is left is Trigger, who doesn't understand what
all the rush is about. He dithers, not sure who to
follow. Del has gone off to his left, Boycie to his
right. He now exits shot left. We pause on shot.
Trigger reappears, still dithering. He now exits right,
close to camera. Trigger reappears, still dithering. He
now exits shot right.
EXT. NIGHT. MRS BAKER'S HOUSE.
This is one of those roads where virtually every house is
a B&B guest house. We see the Trotters walking towards us
checking each window hoping to find a 'Vacancies' sign.
Rodney
We've been down this road
once already, ain't we?
Albert
We've been every bloody
where! We've walked
further than the Jarrow
Marchers.
Del
Yeah and they were all out
of work and starving and I
bet they didn't moan as
much as you two! Gordon
Bennett!
We see 'Sorry, No Vacancies' signs in a window This is
Mrs Baker's house.
Del
Here, hang about! Look at
that! I told you some-
thing'd turn up, didn't I?
Look! Look, 'vacancies'.
Hey? Hey? Come on. Lovely
jubbly!
The house is very pretty and cosy-looking. White walled
with mock Swiss-chalet style shutters either side of
the windows. Roses grow in the garden and pretty,
floral design curtains hang at the windows which are
filled with a welcoming light. The Trotters' hearts are
lifted by the vision. They approach the front door and
ring the bell which has a chime straight out of Miss
Marple. The door is opened by the maid, Helen. She is
about thirty and a very pleasant wholesome person with
a warm and welcoming smile. They go inside.
INT. NIGHT. MRS BAKER'S HOUSE.
The interior reflects the same style of pristine olde
Englishness as the exterior. Helen leads the Trotters
into the hall. Laying on one of the steps of the stairs
is a very fluffy, pure white cat.
Helen
If you'd just like to wait
here please.
Del
Oh right, thank you.
Helen
(Calls)
Mrs Baker.
Helen now exits towards the kitchen. Albert is stroking
the cat who purrs with pleasure.
Del
(Sniffs the air)
Smell that, Rodney. Can you
smell that? That's...
that's roast potatoes,
innit?
Rodney
Yeah, and gravy.
Albert
Ain't he a beautiful cat,
eh? And he likes me.
Del
Yeah, most probably in love
with that beard. Oh!
The three laugh again - it's that kind of joyful mood.
Mrs Baker appears. She is a small rounded lady in her
middle sixties. She looks like everyone's favourite
granny. She has grey to white hair and wears a clean
floral pinny. She evokes an image of home-made crusty
bread and hot buttered muffins. She is a very sweet
lady with a smile straight out of a cake recipe.
Mrs Baker
Good evening.
Del
Good evening. Uh... any-
way... look, um... we'd
like a room for the night,
you know, you can chuck
in an evening meal, bit
of brekkers, you know,
that sort of thing.
Mrs Baker
Oh what a shame. I let the
last of my rooms out about
an hour ago.
We see the devastated reaction of the Trotters.
Rodney
No, you got a sign in the
window saying 'Vacancies'.
Mrs Baker
Is the sign still there? Oh
that silly girl, I told her
to take it down.
Helen now approaches from kitchen. She carries a tray
upon which we see three plates containing steak and
kidney pie, roast potatoes, carrots and peas. The food
looks mouth-watering appetizing.
Helen
Excuse me please.
We see the frustration on the Trotters' faces as they
study the food.
Mrs Baker
Helen, you forgot to take
the sign out of the window.
Helen
Oh I'm sorry, Mrs Baker.
I'll just serve dinner then
I'll see to it.
Helen exits to dining room leaving the door slightly
open.
Mrs Baker
I am sorry, gentlemen.
Albert
Couldn't we kip down in your
front room?
Rodney
Yeah, or on the landing.
Del
Yeah, or in the airing
cupboard, you know, anywhere.
Mrs Baker
I'd love to help but it's
the regulations, you see.
Rodney
Well, is there anywhere
round here we can get a
room for the night?
Mrs Baker
Well, it's difficult. It's
a bank holiday weekend you
see, and this rail strike
doesn't make things any
better. You could try ...
oh no, maybe not.
Del
No, please, where?
Mrs Baker
(Loath to say
it)
Well, you could try Mrs
Creswell's. She's at the
Villa Bella just across the
square. She's always got
vacancies.
The Trotters react to the dire portent suggested in Mrs
Baker's last words.
Del
(Half-heartedly)
Oh right. Well, thank you,
we'll go and knock her up
then. Yes. Thanks very
much.
As they turn to leave they catch a glimpse inside the
dining room. Here we see Mickey Pearce, Jevon and Denzil
seated at the table and getting stuck into the steak and
kidney pie. A blazing log fire burns in the hearth. They
are laughing about the incident in the coach park.
Denzil
And the next thing you know
- whoosh, up it went!
Mickey
Did you see Del Boy's face?
Jevon
Oh I wish I'd had my video
camera with me.
Mickey
(Spots the
Trotters)
Oh, look who's here. It's
the Coachbusters!
More laughter.
Jevon
Are you staying here as
well?
Del
No, no, we're... no we're
not, no.
Denzil
Oh that's a shame, 'cos
you would have liked it
here.
Mickey
Yeah, we've had a lovely
hot bath each.
Jevon
Nice warm room.
Denzil
And the food's great. You
would have really liked it
here.
Rodney
(Proudly defiant)
Yeah well, we don't care
'cos we got somewhere even
better to go.
Del
Yeah, yeah. That’s right,
yeah.
Mickey
'Ere, you're not going to
the Villa Bella are you?
Del
Um... no, no, we're not,
no, no ...
Rodney
(Stumped)
No, no, we're no... We're
going down the... it's a
secret!
Denzil
Well that's a relief, I was
beginning to feel guilty
'cos it's so nice here.
Del
How's your disease, Denzil?
Denzil
(This kills his
laugh)
I have not got a disease!
It's an ear infection!
Del
(To Mrs Baker)
Yeah. Mrs Baker, would you
make sure that he takes his
tablets. Only the doctors
down at the clinic for iffy
diseases did say that it's
not contagious. Well, at
least they said they hope
it wasn't.
(To Denzil, Mickey
and Jevon)
Bon appetite, gits!
As the Trotters troop up the hallway towards the front
door Albert thrusts a hand out towards the cat (not
touching it - just frightening it).
Albert
(To cat)
Gertchyer!
We hear the cat meow in alarm.
EXT.NIGHT.MRS CRESWELL'S HOUSE.
The Trotters exit from Mrs Baker's house.
Del
Oh look! There it is, look.
Villa Bella.
The Trotters walk out of frame leaving us looking at Mrs
Baker's lovely little white house. We have a shot as if
we are in the doorway of number sixty-seven and looking
out at the road. The Trotters arrive and look at the
house. We take their reactions. Now we cut to see what
they are looking at. We see that no. 67 is a dark,
brooding house with an overgrown front garden. The
window sills and front door are painted brown and are
decaying. An eerie, pale light glows in the downstairs
window. Here we see a 'Vacancies' sign. (We could
accompany this shot with a flash of lightning and a
clap of thunder.)
Del
(Putting a brave
face on it)
Oh well. There you are,
don't look too bad.
Rodney
Don't look too bad? Look at
it! It looks like the
Munsters' weekend place! Oh
come on Del, let's find
somewhere else.
Del
Oh Rodney, where? We've
been everywhere in town,
ain't we, eh? And look at
it, it's gonna start
chucking it down again in a
minute and then we're
gonna get soaked and
frozen. Now come on, this
is our last chance. You
never know, it might be
rather nice inside.
Albert
Well, I'm game!
Del
There you are, that's the
spirit, Uncle. See? He who
dares wins. Hey, go on...
go and ring the bell. Go
and ring the bell. Hurry
up.
They approach front door, a sign above which reads:
'Villa Beach' Albert presses doorbell which gives a
sudden deep and rasping ring. This makes them jump
slightly. They hear heavy, clumping footsteps on an
uncarpeted floor approaching door. The door is opened
by Mrs Cresswell. She is a tall, heavy set woman of
about fifty-five. She has a hard, unsmiling face. We
see the Trotters' reaction.
Mrs Creswell
(London accent)
Yes?
Del
(Reacts)
Blimey!
(Composes himself)
Are you Mrs Creswell?
Mrs. Creswell
Yes.
Del
Oh! It's just that the lady
down the road - Mrs Baker -
She uh... recommended us to
you. Said you might have a
room for the night.
Mrs Creswell looks them up and down critically.
Mrs Creswell
Come in.
The Trotters follow her into the house.
INT. NIGHT. MRS CRESWELL'S HOUSE.
Again, the interior reflects the exterior. The house is
in fact clean but badly maintained and decorated. It is
all browns and other drab colours. A forty-watt light
bulb illuminates the hall. The Trotters follow Mrs
Creswell to a small table with a visitors book. On the
wall is another sign which reads 'Villa Bella.'
Albert
(To Mrs Creswell)
Are you Bella?
Mrs Creswell
No. Bella died ten years
ago.
Rodney
(quietly to Del)
I hope they've buried her!
Del
It's cold, innit?
Mrs Creswell
That's the weather.
Del
Oh is it? I do... I don't
know, I'm a stranger round
here.
Mrs Creswell
I've got a three-bedded
room vacant. It's ten
pounds a night each and
that includes a traditional
English breakfast.
Del
Oh well, that's uh... that
sounds just the ticket,
Mrs... uh... Creswell.
Mrs Creswell
That'll be thirty pounds in
advance. Sign the book.
Del
Oh.
We now see Inga approaching from the kitchen. She is a
short, stocky girl of about twenty-five. She has short
cropped hair and a surly manner. She is Irish but looks
Bulgarian. She carries two plates in her hands. The
plates contain steamed fish, jacket potato and peas.
Mrs Creswell
Inga, show these gentlemen
up to the Blue Room.
Inga
Can't you see I'm serving
dinner? I've only got the
one pair of hands!
Mrs Creswell
(Angrily)
Well, show them up after
you've served dinner!
Inga
(Mumbling under her
breath)
You do everything your
bloody self round here!
Inga kicks door to dining room open. A sign above dining
room door reads: The Semprini Room.
Mrs Creswell
(Referring to Inga)
I'm training her.
Del
She's coming on a bundle,
ain't she?
Mrs Creswell
The front door is locked at
11pm and not opened again
until 9am.
Del
Mrs Creswell, thank you.
Inga exits from the Semprini room, sucking particles of
food from her thumbs.
Inga
(To Rodney and
Albert)
Come on, it's up here.
Would you ever come on?
The Trotters follow Inga upstairs. Mrs Creswell follows
them. Del tries to sign the register.
INT. NIGHT. THE BLUE ROOM.
It is nearly two hours later. The room is in darkness.
There is just enough light to make out the two beds and
that there are bodies in them but we can't tell who's
sleeping where. Now we hear Rodney and Albert's voices
coming from the double bed.
Albert
Move over a bit!
Rodney
You've got most of the bed!
Albert
You're pulling the covers
off me!
Now we hear Del from the single bed.
Del
Leave it out you two! You
gonna carry on like this
all night?
Albert
(To Del)
Tell him to stop pulling
the covers off me!
Del
Rodney, stop pulling the
covers off Albert!
Rodney
Well, tell him to get
over to his own side of
the bed.
Del
Albert, will you get over
to your own side... Well,
this is like spending a
long weekend with Zippy
and Bungle!
Rodney
God knows what Cassandra
would say if she was here!
Del
Oh, she'd most probably
say 'Roddy, what's your
uncle doing in bed with
us?'
Rodney
It's alright for you,
Derek, this happens to be
my first night away from
Cassandra for a whole
year!
Del
Oh.
Albert
I bet she ain't half glad!
Rodney
What's that supposed to
mean?
Albert
Is this the way you carry
on when you're in bed with
her?
Rodney
Well, of course it's not!
Albert
So why are you giving me
all this aggro?
Rodney
Beca... because thee is a
great deal of difference
between sleeping with
Cassandra and kipping
with you!
Albert
Like what?
Rodney
Like... Alright, like she
smells nice! Like, she
wears...
(Realises he's said
the wrong thing)
... things!
Del
Oi, oi, oi,! Woh back! Woh
back!
Rodney
And like she hasn't got a
dopey white beard that
keeps tickling me!
We hear thumping on the wall.
Rodney
See, you've woken somebody
up now!
Del
Rodney, look, come on,
it's only quarter past ten.
Let's whip down the old
Mardi Gras, eh? Have a
couple of... a couple of
jars, you know, scampi
supper, eh? What d'you
reckon? What d'you reckon?
Rodney
(Obviously tempted)
No. Look. I promised
Cassandra I wouldn't go out
and I intend to keep that
promise.
Pause.
Albert
D'you reckon she believed
you?
Rodney
About what?
Albert
When you said you wouldn't
go out on the town.
Rodney
Well of course she believed
me ... Why?
Albert
Nothing.
Del
Uncle, you're not trying to
suggest that if Cassandra
thought that Rodney was
going out on the razzle
that she would go out on
the razzle as well, are
you?
Albert
What, you mean what's good
for the goose is good for
the gander?
Del
Yeah.
Albert
No.
Del
Oh.
Rodney
Cassandra wouldn't have
gone out.
Albert
How'd you know that?
Rodney
Because I haven't gone
out.
Del
Yeah, but how does she
know that?
Rodney
Beca... She just does,
right? Our marriage is
based on trust.
Del
Yeah, he's right.
Cassandra wouldn't go out
enjoying herself.
Rodney
Thank you.
Del
She wouldn't have to, she's
got that flat to herself.
Rodney
So what?
Del
No, hey, I... I just meant
if she felt a bit 'lonely'
- she could invite someone
round.
Albert
Yeah, like that couple at
your anniversary - Stephen
and his wife.
Rodney
So what's wrong with that?
Del
Nothing. Nothing. No, it'll
be a bit of company for
Cassandra.
Albert
She seemed to get on well
with that Stephen.
Rodney
Oh c... of course they get
on well. They work together
at the bank, he's a
colleague. In fact he's
more than a colleague, he's
on top ... he's her
immediate superior.
Pause.
Rodney
(Now remembers)
No, anyway, she couldn't
have invited them two
round, 'cos Stephen's
wife's gone away for the
weekend, d'you remember?
Del
Oh yeah.
Pause. Now Rodney sits bolt upright in bed.
Rodney
(Very confused)
... If that Stephen's
been round my flat I'll
kill him!
Del
What? Oh! d'you wanna do?
You wanna, you know, pop
out for a drink and sort
of talk about it, hmm?
Albert
Yeah, it might make you
feel better Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, well, I suppose I
could manage a ...
(Now eyes the two
of them angrily as
he realises what
has been happening)
This is a conspiracy,
innit? You two are in
league with each other,
ain't ya!
(To Del)
You just want me to come to
the night-club with you.
(To Albert)
And you want the bed to
yourself Well it ain't
gonna work! I promised
Cassandra I would not go
out and I am not going out!
Alright?
Del
Alright, alright, keep
your hair on. No, we was
only geeing you up. We
didn't mean any harm.
Rodney
Alright. Well let's shut
up about it and get some
sleep.
The three lay down.
Del
Do with an extra blanket,
I'm freezing in here.
Rodney
Yeah, it is a bit cold,
innit?
Albert
Cold? You bits of kids
don't know the meaning of
the word. You should have
been with me on the
Russian convoys. One night
it was so cold the flame
on my lighter froze.
Rodney
(To Del)
Come on then, just one
quick light ale.
INT. NIGHT. MARDI GRAS NIGHTCLUB.
As we join scene Del and Rodney are seated at a table
eating scampi in a basket. Their table is situated very
close to the stage where a singer is performing.
Del
Blinding bit of scampi,
innit, eh? It's fresh an'
all, you know. Straight out
of the sea into your
basket.
Rodney
You don't get scampi off
this coast!
Del
Of course you do! It's the
sea, innit?
Rodney
Yeah, but it's Margate!
Del
Yeah I know, but the scampi
don't know that, do they?
Rodney
No, I s'ppose not.
Del
'Ere, What was that
starter that... um...
Cassandra made us last
week?
Rodney
Moules Mariniere.
Del
Mmm! That's it. They were
lovely moules, an' all
weren't they, eh? 'Cos
she's got style, see. I
mean, that Cassandra is a
classy lady.
Rodney
I suppose so.
Del
No, no suppose so about
it. I mean, a lot of people
- you know, cheapos -
would have used mussels -
not Cassandra.
Rodney
(As if trying to
broach a very
delicate subject)
We get on well.
Del
Mmm? Yeah, of we do! Blimey!
Rodney
No, I meant me and Cassandra.
Del
Oh, I see. Well that's
good, Because I mean, your
missus should be more than
just your wife, you know.
She should be your best
mate an’ all.
Rodney
Yeah. It's just... some-
times you get the
feeling... I don't know how
to explain it... Have you
ever read a book...
(Realises that Del
has never read a
book)
... Well have you ever seen
the film where someone
marries beneath themselves?
Del
Oh, don't start that,
Rodney! You have not
married beneath yourself!
Cassandra comes from a
very lovely family! Your
problem is you're letting
her rule you. I mean,
that cobblers tonight -
you know, she wouldn't
let you out! I mean, what
are you, a man or a
mouse? You've gotta learn
to assert yourself. I
mean, I may sound
old-fashioned, but you
take my word for it, in
the end a man likes a
woman to be a woman! And
a bird likes a bloke to
be a bloke!
Rodney
(New-found pride
and determination)
D'you know you're right!
Del
Mmm, that is Bonnet de
Douche, as they say in the
Basque region.
Rodney
(Emphatic agreement)
Absolutely!
Del
Yeah, that's it. Oh, 'ere,
come on. Drink up, we'll
have another one ... Look
who's here, the three
Musketeers.
(Calls)
Oi Boycie! Boycie, over
here!
We see Boycie, Mike and Trigger have arrived.
Boycie
Hello Del.
They move to the Trotter's table.
Del
(Loudly - at least
above the music)
It's good here, innit eh?
Boycie
Stunning.
Del
Yeah, they got a magician,
a singer and a comedian.
The singer'll be on in a
minute!
The singer sings a few more words then reacts to Del's
line, continues singing.
Boycie
So where are you staying?
Del
Oh, we got a lovely little
bed and breakfast, ain't
we, Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, it's really good!
Boycie
Yes, well, me, Mike and
Alan booked into a hotel,
down on the front.
Trigger
I got a room in a motel.
They don't know I ain't got
a car!
Trigger winks in a 'fooled 'em' way.
Mike
I'd keep quiet about that
if I was you, Trig.
Trigger
Not half.
The singer ends her act. Applause. Eddie enters stage.
Now as Eddie introduces the next act, the Jolly Boys'
splinter group go into conversation. We may just about
be able to hear the introduction.
Eddie
(Over the Jolly
Boys' dialogue)
And now the Margate Mardi
Gras is very proud to
introduce to you one of
Europe's greatest
magicians. Ladies and
gentlemen, will you give a
big Mardi Gras welcome to
the Great Ramondo and
Raquel.
The Great Ramondo and Raquel are on stage in back-
ground. There is a board on an easel which tell us it
is indeed: The Great Ramondo and Raquel. Ramondo goes
into his act with a gentle trick - turning several
scarves into a big silk scarf. Raquel is prancing
around Debbie Maghee fashion with the fixed smile of
the synchronised swimmer.
Rodney
(Over the above
introduction and
entrance)
Oi! Where's Alan?
Boycie
Oh of course, you wouldn't
have heard about that,
would you? Well, you know
how much Alan loves shell-
fish? Well he ate half the
ocean bed today. Until at
some time or another, he
copped an unfortunate
whelk!
Trigger
(Has noticed Raquel)
Where have I seen that bird
before?
They all look to stage.
Mike
It's that sort, wossername?
(To Del)
The one you went out with
for a while, Del.
Boycie
It's Raquel, the strippa-
gram!
Del
No, it is not!
Rodney
It is, Del.
Del
Mmm?
Rodney
You look at the board: The
Great Ramondo and Raquel!
Del
Blimey! It is her!
On stage Ramondo is in the process of turning a scarf
into a dove. As he does so we see Del stand.
Del
(To Raquel)
Pssstt.
Ramondo doesn't hear this and produces the dove to
rapturous applause. He guides the dove gently in
Raquel's direction. The dove flies onto her out-
stretched arm. Ramondo now starts producing another
dove.
Del
Pssttt!
This time Ramondo hears the noise. He looks down
inside his jacket, worried that his 'balloon trick' may
have started too early. He produces the second dove and
it flies to Raquel's arm. Ramondo is now producing the
third dove.
Del
Raquel!
We see that Raquel has heard someone call her. She
squints out through the stage lights to the audience. As
Ramondo produces the third glove and guides it in
Raquel's direction, so Raquel spots Del.
Raquel
(Delighted and
excited at seeing
him)
Del?
At this point she drops her arm. The two doves sitting
on her arm fly off, leaving a few feathers floating. The
third dove, finding nowhere to land, joins his two
friends in flying all around the room. We see them
flying over the heads of the guests. We see Ramondo's
reaction. He has feathers floating down in front of his
face and his highly trained doves are whizzing all over
the shop.
Del
(To Raquel)
Alright?
Raquel now tries to regain her professional composure.
The audience is hushed, embarrassed by the performers'
embarrassment. But Del, who doesn't know a good
performance from a bad one and is in love with Raquel,
applauds.
Del
Ah! Ha ha! Bloody clever
that, innit eh? Marvelous!
INT. NIGHT. MARDI GRAS NIGHTCLUB.
We find Del and Raquel seated at the bar. Raquel is
wearing a silk dressing gown as if to suggest that she
is still in costume and is due back on stage.
Raquel
So I got back to England
about six months ago. I
wasn't sure what to do with
myself - I haven't got any
family, except a brother in
Milton Keynes, but we
haven't spoken for years.
So I saw my agent and she
tied me in with Ray.
Del
Ray? Oh yeah.
Raquel
He was working in a holiday
camp down in Devon - his
last assistant had walked
out on him - well, he's a
bit of a pig. Anyway, after
that we got a three-month
contract here. Oh, it's not
much but it's a job, it
keeps a roof over my head.
Del
Yeah... I didn't mean to
let you down, you know. I
was on my way round to see
you and I was... um...
unexpectedly arrested.
Raquel
I know, it's alright,
you've already explained.
Del
Why didn't you write to me?
Raquel
Write to you? I thought
you'd dumped me! I've got
pride, Del! I've never
written to the other blokes
who've dumped me and I
wasn't starting with you!
Del
D'you want another drink?
Raquel
No, I'm back on stage in a
little while... up - I
haven't - you know - I've
not been interested.
Del
(Lying through his
teeth)
No, no, nor me.
Raquel knows he's lying and grins at him.
Del
No, no, honest!
Raquel
Yeah, alright, I believe
you.
Del
Anyway, what you gonna do...
uh... when this contract's
finished?
Raquel
Oh, I'm leaving the act. I
can't stand Ray anymore.
He's got a temper,
sometimes he frightens me.
Don't know where I'll go.
Del
Peckham's very nice this
time of year.
Raquel
Is it?
Del
I know a lovely little flat
you could stay at, an’ all.
Raquel
Oh, maybe I'll try Peckham
then. Thanks.
Del
Raquel, would you give me
your autograph?
Raquel
Get away!
Del
No, I mean it, straight.
Honest.
Raquel
I've never given an auto-
graph before.
Del
Well look, it's easy.
(Hands her a beer
mat from the bar)
All you got to do, look, is
just write your name... and
your address and your
telephone number.
She smiles and writes. As she is doing this we see an
angry Ramondo approaching. He is still in costume.
Del
(To Ramondo)
Alright? Get your pigeons
back alright?
Ramondo
Yes, I did! Raquel, I don't
know what the hell you were
playing at on that stage,
but don't you ever let that
happen again!
Raquel
I'm sorry, Ray. I was
distracted.
Ramondo
Oh! Professionals are not
distracted, love! You either
get your act together or you
find somewhere else! There's
plenty more where you came
from. We're on in ten
minutes!
Raquel
Alright, Ray, I'm coming.
Ramondo exits.
Del
(Seething)
D'you want me to whack him
for you? Eh?
Raquel
Del, please, please! Stay
out of it? My contract
hasn't long to run so all I
want to do is keep him
sweet. Besides, he's right,
it was unprofessional of
me.
Del
Oh well.
Raquel
I'll see you then.
Del
Yeah. You've still got my
address, haven't you?
Raquel
Yeah.
Del
Yeah, well, you know, you
can write to me or phone me,
you know, if you like. You
won't forget, will you?
Raquel
Oh, I'll never forget you,
Del.
She kisses him and then exits. Del watches her departure,
love beaming from his eyes.
EXT. NIGHT. MRS CRESWELL'S HOUSE.
It is now the early hours of Sunday morning. We see Del
and Rodney returning from the nightclub. Rodney is tired
and ready for bed. Del is alive with the joys of having
met Raquel again.
Del
(Sings)
The most beautiful sound I
ever heard.
Rodney
Will you keep your noise
down?
Del
(Continues singing)
Raq... ue... I!
Rodney
People are tryin' to sleep!
Del
She's lovely though, ain't
she, Rodney? Eh? She's
lovely isn't she?
Rodney
Yeah she's lovely, now shut
up!
They arrive at Mrs Creswell's house. They approach the
front door.
Del
(Produces front door
key)
Sshhh!
He turns key in lock but the door doesn't open.
Del
It's locked!
Rodney
It's what?
Del
It's locked.
Rodney
Oh, that's right, she said
she locks it at eleven! What
time is it now?
Del
It's twenty to two. I'll
just have to ring the bell.
Rodney
You can't ring the bell,
you'll get Mrs Creswell out
of her coffin!
Del
Well what we gonna do then,
eh? We can't hang round
here till the morning, can
we?
Rodney
Del, if you wake her up
she'll sink her teeth into
our necks before you can
say, 'wooden stake'!
Del
You're frightened of her,
ain't you?
Rodney
(Shakes his head
emphatically)
Yes!
Del
Well, I’m not!
Rodney
Well, you ring the bell! I'm
gonna hide behind the wall.
Rodney creeps round to the front of the house. Del
determinedly turns to the house. A cold fear now grips
his stomach.
Del
Alright, maybe there's
another way out of this.
Del joins Rodney. They survey the upstairs windows. In
one window we see the glow from a bedside lamp.
Del
That's our room, innit? That
one?
Rodney
Yeah, I think so.
Del
Right!
(Calls up to window
in hushed tones)
Albert!
Rodney
Albert! Abandon ship!
There is no response.
Rodney
Throw something up at the
window.
Del
Yeah, alright.
Del reaches into the darkness. He now throws something at
window (we don't see what he throws). We now hear an
almighty crash of breaking glass - not a tinkle - it's as
if a sledgehammer has just gone through the window. Del
and Rodney protect their heads from the danger of falling
glass.
Del
You wally, Rodney, now look
what you've gone and done!
Rodney
Me?
Del
Yeah. You were the one that
said go on throw something
up at the window!
Rodney
I meant a little pebble,
you just chucked half a
paving stone through it!
Del
Sssh.
We now hear voices coming from inside the house.
Inga
(OOV)
Mrs Creswell! One of our
windows has just been
smashed!
Mrs Creswell
(OOV)
I heard it! Phone the
police, Inga.
Rodney
Oh, That's all I need,
innit? I'm gonna get nicked
twice in one day!
Del
Look alive, Rodney, look
alive. Just get out of here.
Come on, let's get out,
let's get out.
Rodney and Del dash off down street.
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S HALLWAY.
The hallway is in darkness. On the wall is an intercom
device. As we join scene the intercom is buzzing. It
stops. Now starts buzzing again. Door to lounge opens
and Raquel enters hallway. She is wearing a dressing
gown over her nightdress and is still half-asleep. She
presses intercom.
Raquel
Hello?
We now hear Del's distorted voice over intercom.
Del
(OOV)
Hello, Raquel? It's Del Boy.
Raquel
Del? What d'you want? It's
two o'clock in the morning!
Del
(OOV)
Yeah I know. I'm sorry to
disturb you, sweetheart,
but Rodney's been and got
us into a bit of trouble.
We now hear Rodney's distorted voice - his voice is
slightly more distant than Del's - as if he is standing
behind Del.
Rodney
(OOV)
I didn't get us into this!
Del
(OOV)
Yeah you did! It was your
bright idea, weren't it,
eh?
Rodney
(OOV)
You chucked the bloody thing!
Del
(OOV)
I know but you said ...
Raquel
(Interrupts)
Yeah, look, look, look,
look, wait! What's wrong?
Del
(OOV)
Oh, we've been locked out
of our digs and we've got
nowhere to kip for the
night. We was wondering if
you could put us up till
the morning.
Raquel
(Agonizes for a
moment)
It's a bit awkward, Del.
Del
(OOV)
Oh Raquel. It's freezing out
here! We've just bumped into
a brass monkey crying his
eyes out.
Raquel
Oh, alright then.
(Presses button on
intercom)
Push the door and come up.
Del
(OOV)
Oh good girl. You know it
makes sense.
Raquel opens the front door a few inches and then
exits to lounge.
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S LOUNGE.
Four doors lead off lounge. One is the entry door from
the hallway. One is the entry door to kitchen, another
is the door to the first bedroom and the fourth one is
the door to the second bedroom. Raquel enters from the
hall. She goes immediately to the wall mirror and starts
brushing her hair and checking her face and clothes in
an effort to smarten herself up. Del and Rodney now
enter the lounge from the hallway, their collars turned
up against the cold.
Del
(Referring to the
warmth of the
lounge)
Oh, that's better. Cor,
it's 'taters out there.
Rodney
Oh, sorry about this,
Raquel.
Raquel
Oh, that's okay. So what
happened?
Del
Well, the old girl where
we were staying, she locks
her doors at eleven. Well,
I mean, we didn't leave
your nightclub till gone
one, did we?
Raquel
(Gesturing to the
furniture)
Well, I'm afraid an
armchair and a settee is
the best I can offer you.
Del
No, no, that's... That's
great. Go on. No,
That's... that'll be
lovely, Raquel. Yeah. It's
alright, look, we'll be
away first thing in the
morning - 'cos our new
coach comes about nine
o'clock. Listen,
sweetheart, you can't
give us something to warm
the old cockles, can you?
Raquel
Yeah, ok. I'll make you a
coffee.
Del
(Disappointed)
Oh yeah. Cushty. Cushty.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Del
She's a blinding bird,
ain't she, Rodney, eh?
Rodney
What, Raquel? Yes.
T'riffic, Del.
Del
She's got a radiant smile,
have you noticed that?
Rodney
What, her radiant smile?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Yeah, well, you can't miss
it can you? I mean, you
know... I mean when she
walks in she... well she
lights up a room.
Rodney
Yeah. Most of your birds
walk in and light up a fag.
Rodney laughs. But the laugh soon dies.
Del
(At first he looks
offended. Now he
smiles)
Yeah! Yeah, and she's as
straight as a die, you
know, straight as a die.
She don't mess around with
other blokes, you know.
Rodney
(Turns on Del
venomously as his
Freudian slip
shows)
What, you're saying Cassan-
dra does?
Del
(Deeply offended at
the accusation)
No! No, course not. No,
I've got nothing against
the girl!
Rodney
That's alright then. 'Cos
if I thought you... Sorry.
Del
You're a touchy little git
sometimes, ain't you, eh?
All I was just saying was,
that since Raquel met me
she hasn't been out with
any other blokes.
Rodney
Well she only met you two
hours ago!
Del
No, I don't mean this time!
I mean like the first time!
Rodney
Oh, right.
Del
Yeah, she has been true un-
to me.
Del smiles towards kitchen in a child-like, almost
angelic manner. Now the door to the first bedroom opens
and the great Ramondo enters the lounge. He is wearing
pyjamas, a dressing-gown and carpet slippers. His hair
is in a 'just woke up' state and he is yawning. We see
Del and Rodney's reactions.
Ramondo
(Doesn't spot the
Trotters immediately,
calls towards the
kitchen)
Raquel, what's all the
noise?
Del
The Great Ramondo?
Ramondo
What you doing here?
Del
(Snarling like a
little Rottweiler
who is about to
defend his territory)
What am I doing here?
Rodney
(Trying to relieve
the situation, he
speaks incredibly
quickly)
Um... We was locked out of
our digs and Raquel said we
could spend the night here
but we're gonna go soon!
Ramondo
Oh did she? Well, we'll see
about that!
(Exiting to
kitchen)
Raquel. What's the idea of
letting strangers into the
flat without even asking me?
Ramondo closes the kitchen door behind him.
Del
I'm gonna kill him! Gonna
kill him!
Rodney
No, stay calm, Derek!
Del
It's gonna take a bloody
good surgeon three or
four hours to get his
magic wand back!
Rodney
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! Now
come on, calm down!
Del
I wanna know what the hell
is going on here.
Rodney
Look, sit down! Del Look,
I'm not having any
magician ...
Rodney
Sit Down!
Reluctantly Del forces himself to sit on settee, but all
the time he is straining at the leash.
Rodney
Now, look, there's probably
a perfectly simple
explanation to this.
Del
Like what?
Rodney
Well, how the hell should I
know?
Del
There is a simple explan-
ation, Rodney. The Great
Ramondo's a bleeding bully
boy! Raquel told me. He's
got her trapped here. If
she don't play ball with
him not only has she lost
her job but she's lost her
home as well! That's
blackmail and I don't like
that sorta thing! I'm
gonna sort it out right
now.
Rodney
Oi, oi! You're not certain
of anything! Don't jump to
conclusions. Look, for all
you know them two might
be... well, you kow.
Del
What?
Rodney
Well, I don't know...
look, just find out what
the situation is first,
right? Nice 'n' easy, Del?
Right? Nice 'n' easy.
Del
Alright! Alright, Rodney.
I'm just gonna go in there
and just gonna ask a few
questions and, you know,
like ... and that's all.
Rodney
And what happens if you
don’t like the answers?
Del
Well, that's like, innit,
eh? Just I'll know where I
stand then, won't I, eh?
Rodney
Alright.
Del opens the kitchen door.
Del
(Into kitchen)
Alright. Excuse me... I'm
terribly sorry to bother
you. I just wondered if we
could have a little chat?
See if we could come to
some sort of a... an
understanding.
Del enters kitchen and leaves door open behind him.
Rodney lays back on settee and sighs heavily. He is
feeling tremendous and desperate sympathy for his
brother. Now the great Ramondo re-enters lounge
backwards and through the open kitchen door. He
finishes his journey crumpled up against a wall. We see
Rodney. He is unmoved by this. He half-expected it and
blokes being punched through doors have been part of
his life for as long as he can remember. Del now
appears at the open door.
Rodney
That's the way, Del, nice
'n' easy.
Del walks across the fallen Ramondo.
Del
(To Ramondo)
Now do you understand what
I was trying to say, eh?
Raquel enters from kitchen.
Raquel
Why the hell did you do
that?
Del
It's alright, it's alright,
it's alright Raquel. It's
alright. You don't have to
be frightened of the Great
Ramondo no more - Del Boy's
here?
Rodney whistles the opening bar of the theme from 'The
Good, the Bad and the Ugly'.
Del
Rodney?
(To Ramondo)
Right, Ramondo - or can I
just call you Great, eh?
Do you understand what I've
been subtly trying to
indicate? You are out,
pal! Your lease has
expired! This is nature's
little way of trying to
tell you to get your arse
down the road apiece!
Del moves to first bedroom door and exits to first bed-
room.
Ramondo
(Pleading with Raquel)
Why don't you explain to
him?
Raquel
He hasn't given me the
chance!
Ramondo
(To Rodney)
You'd better warn him I
was in the Territorials!
Rodney
I don't think that's gonna
cut a lot of ice with him,
somehow.
Del enters from first bedroom. He is carrying the jacket
of Ramondo's costume and a suitcase. Ramondo flinches
away from Del.
Del
Alright! There's your coat!
As Del hands Ramondo the jacket so playing cards fall
from the sleeves. Del opens the window and throws
suitcase out.
Del
(Cont'd)
There's your case and...
and there's the front
door!
(Indicates window)
Or would you prefer to
take the more direct
route?
Ramondo
Can I just say something?
Del
Yes alright. You can say
something. You better make
it quick and you better
make it polite - there is
a lady present!
Ramondo
There is nothing going on
between Raquel and me!
Del
Nothing going on between
you two? A fella and a
bird sharing a flat,
there's nothing going on!
What d'you take me for?
Ramondo
Look, I assure you it's
the truth! You see ...
I'm ... I'm ... Raquel is
not my type!
Raquel lowers her eyes. She knows it was tough for
Ramondo to make this confession in front of total
strangers. We see that Rodney has caught on.
Del
What d'you mean she's not
your type?
(Indicates Raquel)
You could do a lot worse
than that.
Raquel
(Opens first bedroom
door)
This is Ray's room...
(Opens second bedroom
door)
This is my bedroom... Do
you see what Ray's saying?
If I was the last woman on
God's earth I still
wouldn't be his type!
Del is totally bewildered. He turns to Rodney.
Rodney
Take your time, Del.
Ramondo
You see, it's purely a
financial situation - it's
cheaper than us paying for
separate flats.
Del
(Finally twigs)
Oh! You mean you're...
Ramondo
(He's not ashamed)
Yes.
Del
Well, why didn't you say?
Ramondo
It's not the sort of thing
one drops into an intro-
duction.
Del now feels genuinely wretched and embarrassed about
the whole thing.
Del
God - I'm terribly sorry!
What must you think of
me?
Ramondo
No need, really. Over and
done with.
Del
(To Raquel)
Well you see I... I didn't
know.
Raquel
(Angry with him)
You didn't ask, did you???
Del
No, you see I thought...
well, I thought that...
you see I thought... I mean
I... you see... Is... I...
didn't I, Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, yeah he did.
Del
(To Ramondo)
You see... ooh... oh dear,
I do believe I may have
dropped your suitcase out
of the window.
Ramondo
I'll fetch it. I could do
with the air.
Ramondo exits to hallway.
Del
(To Raquel)
No, you see, I'm... you
see I thought ...
Raquel
No, no, no, Del, you didn't
think! You never think! You
don't look, you don't
listen, you don't notice
any of the signs! You just
go at it like a mad bull!
Del
I only did it for you!
Raquel
Well, if that's supposed to
make me feel better, it
doesn't!
Raquel storms into second bedroom and slams door behind
her. Pause.
Rodney
They might publish your
diaries one day, Del. I
reckon that could be a
winner. I don't believe you
sometimes! Why did you do
that?
Del
He Who Dares Wins, I've
always been the same!
Rodney
Well, this time I reckon
that He Who Dared cocked it
right up!
Pause. Raquel exits from second bedroom carrying pillows
and blankets. She hurls them down on settee.
Rodney
(Politely)
Thank you.
Del looks at her like a little lost puppy lost in a
storm.
Raquel
(Still angry with
him)
I know you did it for me
but you were stupid and you
were embarrassing!
Del just nods.
Raquel
(Without weakening
her hard look she
kisses him on the
forehead)
Thank you.
As Raquel exits to second bedroom Rodney is left open-
mouthed. Del has a grin that could light London. Del
turns to Rodney.
Del
(Thumbs up)
Mag-ic!
EXT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BLOCK OF FLATS.
The replacement coach pulls up outside the flats (the
windows of the coach are covered in condensation
suggesting a long and uncomfortable journey). The coach
doors open and a tired, unshaven Rodney alights.
Rodney
(Calls back into
coach)
Right then, I'll see you.
We hear a few tired voices call their goodbyes. As the
goodbyes finish we hear Trigger's voice from somewhere
deep in the coach.
Trigger
(OOV)
See you, Dave.
Now, at one of the windows, we see a very tired looking
Del wipe the condensation away as if he has just woken
and is trying to find his bearings.
Del
Oi oi! Rodders! Rodney!
Here! Oi, here a minute!
Come here a minute! Listen.
You are master of your own
flat.
Rodney
(Bored with all
the advice)
Yeah, okay.
Del
You're a man. Don't want
any rules, no collars and
lead.
Rodney
Alright, Del, alright!
Del
Right then. You've gonna
go in there, put your foot
down with a firm hand and
let her know where she
stands. Right? You've
just ... You just gotta
sort it out, alright?
Just, you know sort it
out.
Rodney
Alright. I'll see you.
Del
Yeah, I'll see you then. Ta
ta.
Rodney walks off towards block.
INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE/DINER.
At this point no one is in room. The door to the bedroom
is open and reveals an unmade bed. The door to the
kitchen is open slightly. Rodney enters through the main
door and surveys the room. Del's 'bubbles' print is on
the floor and propped against the wall ready to be
returned to the cupboard. Cassandra now enters from the
bedroom. She is buttoning her blouse or putting earrings
on - enough to suggest she is still getting dressed. She
seems surprised to see him - not panicked - just
surprised.
Cassandra
(Unsmiling - she's
still got the hump
with him)
Oh - I didn't expect you
back this early.
Rodney
No... well, here I am.
Cass, can we have a talk?
Cassandra
I don't think this is an
appropriate time, Roddy.
Maybe later.
Rodney
Look, I really think we
ought to sit down and
discuss ...
His speech is cut short by Stephen's entry from the
kitchen. Stephen is smartly but casually dressed.
Stephen
(Also seems surprised
to see Rodney)
Oh! Hi, buddy, how's it
going?
Rodney
(A controlled anger)
What are you doing here?
Stephen
Oh, I was just passing. So
how was Margate?
Rodney
Forget Margate! What are
you doing in my flat?
Stephen
Hey, back off, Rod! I mean,
what's the problem?
Cassandra
Roddy, what's wrong?
Rodney
Well, I'll tell you the
problem, shall I? There's
something I've really
wanted to do for a long
time but I've ... I've
never got round to it!
(To Stephen)
So let me run this past
you, Stephen. Try and get
your head round this.
Rodney now belts Stephen right on the nose. Rodney is not
a violent man and chances are this is the first fight
he's had since school. He wouldn't have the style of a
street fighter but he jabs out a pretty good and powerful
straight right. It knocks Stephen onto the armchair which
topples over with his weight. Stephen is not hurt badly
by the punch, it's more a case of shock.
Cassandra
(Horrified by it)
Rodney!
Rodney
(Points a warning
finger at his
fallen rival)
Now you know where I'm
coming from! Okay? Buddy!
Rodney now turns slightly and catches sight of Joanne
who has just entered from the kitchen carrying a tray
with three cups of coffee.
Rodney
(Casually)
Alright, Joanne?
(Reacts)
Joanne!
Joanne
What have you done to
Stephen?
She places the tray down and rushes to her husband.
Stephen, with a very slight smudge of blood on nose,
speaks with that pinched, nasal sound of someone with an
injured nose.
Stephen
He punched me on the nose!
Rodney
(To Cassandra)
Well, what's she doing
here? I thought she was
going away for the weekend
to her parents!
Cassandra
She was but there was a
rail strike!
(Produces a holiday
brochure - safari
picture on front)
Joanne brought this holiday
brochure round for us!
Rodney
(To Cassandra)
D'you see anything in it
you like?
INT. DAY. TROTTER'S LOUNGE.
This is an hour later. Del is now showered and shaved.
He wears a lairy, towelling dressing-gown. he is talking
to Raquel on his cordless phone.
Del
(On phone)
Hello sweetheart? How are
you today? Oh good. How's
the Great Ramondo... Oh
yeah ... Well, I'm sure in
his heart of hearts he
understood... Oh, we've
been back about an hour...
Yeah. Mm? No, everyone's
alright. Mm-hmm... We
dropped... uh... Rodney off
at his house, yeah ...
Cassandra? No, she'll be
alright, she'll be as good
as gold. Rodney's a bit of
a charmer on the quiet -
no, he knows how to handle
situations... Yes I know,
sometimes I wish I was a
bit more like him as
well... Yeah. Old, uh...
Albert. He's feeling much
better now, yeah... Oh,
didn't you hear? He got a
whack on the head.
Albert enters from kitchen carrying a mug of tea and a
plate of toast. He has a large plaster stuck on his
forehead.
Del
(Cont'd)
I dunno, I dunno. The
strangest thing. He was
lying in bed last night
when all of a sudden a rock
came flying through the
window, and it caught him a
glancing blow on the
head... Dunno, it's a
mystery!
Albert
It's no mystery to me!
Bloody yobbos done it!
They should be locked up!
Del
That's right, Unc. That is
absolutely right, yeah.
Albert
Tell her what happened to
Boycie and Mike when they
was walking home from the
nightclub.
Del
What? What was that?
Albert
Someone chucked a suitcase
through a window. Caught
Mike right on the shoulder
- fortunately Boycie's
head broke its fall.
Albert exits to kitchen.
Del
(On phone)
It's a terrible old world,
innit, eh sweetheart?
Listen Raquel. Raquel, you
have... you have forgiven
me now, haven't you
sweetheart? Oh good. You
know it makes sense.
(Picks up Albert's
mug of tea)
... Uh, listen, I was
thinking about taking the
van out for a test drive
next Saturday, well I'm
fitting a new radio,
yeah.
Albert now enters from kitchen with a boiled egg. He
looks for his tea.
Del
I was... uh ... thinking I
might go down to Margate.
I wouldn't be in a hurry
to get home... I was just
wondering uh... if you
could get the Great
Ramondo to do a
disappearing act? Oh
cushty! Yeah. Oh that's
great. Yeah... Alright
darling, I'll see you nest
uh... next uh... next
Saturday sweetheart...
Yeah, alright. Bye for
now. Bye.
Del switches phone off and rubs his hands together.
Del
(Cont'd)
Lovely Jubbly!
Albert goes to pick up the mug of tea.
Del
Oi! What's your game? If
you wanna cup of tea go an'
make one, you lazy old
sod, go on.
We hear front door close. Rodney now enters from the
hall. He is wearing the same clothes and in the same
condition as previous scene. He remains close to the
door. Rodney now drags his suitcase in from the hall (a
new suitcase). Del looks at the suitcase then up to
Rodney.
Del
Alright bruv? Sort it all
out?
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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