INT. TROTTER'S LOUNGE/KITCHEN. NIGHT. STUDIO.
The lights are subdued and romantic music is coming
from the stereo. On the floor and dining table there
are various paintings and sketches (Rodney's
artistic endeavours).
Cassandra is seated on settee. She is dressed as if she
is going out for the paintings and sketches.
Cut to kitchen. We find Rodney smartly but casually
dressed. He is placing the last quartered smoked salmon
sandwich on to a plate which is on a tray. He now opens
the fridge and is surprised and delighted to find a
bottle of white wine.
Cut to lounge. Rodney now enters from kitchen carrying
the tray with the plate of sandwiches, the bottle of
wine and two wine glasses.
Cassandra
I love this one. 'Marble Arch
at Dawn, by Rodney Trotter,
aged 14 and a half.' Oh!
What's this bit? Did you
paint something out?
Rodney
Yeah, the Eiffel Tower.
Cassandra
The Eiffel Tower? Behind
Marble arch? Is it meant to
signify something?
Rodney
Yes. It signifies that
originally it was the Arc
de Triomphe, but no one
could spell the Arc de
Triomphe. So I thought-I
know, I'll stick a double-
decker bus going past and say
it's Marble Arch. And it
worked. In fact my art
teacher said in my school
report he thought it was a
master-piece. So there,
Cassandra, how does it feel
to be in the company of a
genius?
Cassandra
If I ever find out I'll drop
you a line!
(Referring to
bottle of white
wine)
Are you going to pour that
or paint it?
Rodney starts pouring the wine. Cassandra now produces
another painting from the portfolio. It’s one of these
modern, abstract pieces and neatly in the centre of it
there is a label off a tin of Tesco's baked beans.
Cassandra studies it as Rodney pours the wine.
Cassandra
Rodney, I know I'm going to
make myself look very
stupid, but does this baked
bean label mean anything?
Rodney
What? Yes, it does! It means
Del's been putting all his
competition stuff in my
portfolio again!
Cassandra What competition?
Rodney
Oh it's his latest line,
innit? He's going in for any
competition he can get his
hands on. We've had spot the
dog, everything! Oh look at
this lot! Spaghetti 'oop
labels, crisp packets,
Maltesers wrappers!
Cassandra
I didn't think Del was the
type to go in for
competitions.
Rodney
Oh yeah. At the moment he's
on the verge of winning a
brand-new Ford Sierra, a
free manicure for a year
and a night out with Maria
Whittaker.
They are both laughing at Del.
Cassandra
Where is Del by the way?
Rodney
Oh, both he and Albert have
got dates this evening.
Del's seeing some bird
called Petula. He chatted
her up at a boot sale.
Cassandra
And who's Albert going out
with?
Rodney
Ah, some old dear called
Elsie Partridge. He met her
at bingo. She's a widow-got
11 children!
Cassandra
Eleven kids!
Rodney
Yeah, then her husband got
fed up and died. D'you
like smoked salmon?
Cassandra
Love it.
Rodney
Good, 'cos they’re smoked
salmon sandwiches. D'you want
vinegar?
Cassandra simply shakes her head. She kisses him again
and they embrace and fall gently back onto the settee.
Now the door to Albert's bedroom opens and Albert
enters lounge. He is smartly dressed in a suit and tie,
or better till, a naval uniform.
Albert
Did you put a plug on the
microwave, Rodney?
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney
Did you hear something?
Cassandra
It sounded like your uncle.
Albert enters from kitchen
reading the instructions off
the back of a frozen oven-
ready meal.
Albert
Is our microwave 650 watts
or 550 watts?
Rodney
I thought you had a date
with Elsie Partridge.
Albert
I have. She'll be here in
a minute.
Rodney
Hold on! I thought you was
taking her out!
Albert
And I thought you were
taking the girl wossname out!
How are you love, alright?
Cassandra
(Straightening
her clothes)
Yes, fine, thank you.
Albert
I'm not spoiling my evening
for you, Rodney. It's all
arranged, I've got a beef
risotto for the microwave
and a nice bottle of wine in
the fridge.
Albert Exits the kitchen.
Cassandra picks up the half-empty bottle of wine from
table and looks to Rodney, who gestures for her to
say nothing about the bottle of wine.
Rodney
(To Cassandra)
Sorry.
Cassandra
It's OK. It's the way it goes.
Rodney
I know! I could drop Albert a
few quid then maybe after
dinner he'll take Elsie
Partridge down to bingo eh?
Then we could be alone.
Their licentious grins fade as we hear the front door
slam and the sound of Del whistling.
Del enters from the hall wearing his trendy coat and
carrying his filofax. He doesn't see Rodney and
Cassandra as he moves directly to cocktail bar. In so
doing he has to talk through Rodney's artwork which
is strewn across the floor.
Del
Oh look at the stare he's
left this place in! You wait
'til I get my hands on that
little plonker!
Del now sees Rodney and Cassandra.
Rodney
We've just been, em...
discussing art, that's all.
Del
Oh isn't it funny that every
time he discusses art, with
someone, their buttons come
undone.
Rodney and Cassandra instinctively look down at their
buttons. Del laughs at catching them out.
Del
(Cont'd)
Right, Rodney, here's the
keys to the van. You can take
Cassandra out now.
Rodney
We're not going out!
Cassandra
We could pop down the road
for a while.
Rodney
No, Cassandra. We're staying
put!
Del
Rodney, could I have a board
meeting?
Rodney moves across to Del.
Del
(Cont'd)
Look Petula is coming round.
Rodney
Well, Cassandra is already
here! We are having a
cultural evening.
Del
Yes, I know, but Petula's
bringing all her gear.
Rodney
Derek, I don't car if she is
bringing her gear! we are
not going out!
Del
Look Rodders, I'm giving her
a yuppy salad, ain't I? I
went out first thing this
morning and bought her a
lovely bit of smoked salmon.
Rodney
I don't care what you've bou
... Alright, we'll go out,
then!
Del
Good boy! You know it makes
sense.
Albert enters from kitchen.
Albert
Where's my bottle of wine?
Del
Cor blimey! Captain Birdseye’s
here and all! I thought
you're supposed to be going
out with the old woman who
lived in the shoe!
Albert
I am. She'll be here for
dinner in a minute.
Del
Din... She's not coming round
here too, is she? Oh will,
that's handsome, innit? Well,
you might as well stay in,
Rodney. We'll have a party!
Rodney
Oh t'riffic!
Del
D'you wanna put a record on
darlin'?
Cassandra
Yeah okay, anything in
particular?
Del
How about ' the Gang's All
Here'?
Albert picks up the half-empty bottle of wine from
table and examines it. He looks to Rodney for an
explanation.
Rodney
Sorry, I didn't realise!
Albert exits to kitchen in a huff.
Del
So he's been showing you his
etchings, has he?
Cassandra
Yeah, I think he's good.
Del
Yeah, he's alright, I suppose.
You see, I like a bit more
realism in my art. That's
always let you down, Rodney,
you see.
Rodney
(To Del)
What are you talking about?
(Picks up painting
of wine bottle)
Albert re-enters the room.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
(To Albert)
That's realistic, innit?
Albert
Yeah, and it's full!
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney
I said I'm sorry.
Del
Yeah, but, I mean, look at
all the other stuff here. I
mean, take a look at this one
for example. 'Marble arch at
Dawn.' what a cock-up that
turned out to be.
Cassandra
Rodney's art teacher liked
it. He said he thought it was
a masterpiece!
Del
No, he didn't! He said he
thought it was a mantlepiece!
Del exits to kitchen. Cut to Kitchen.
Albert
It's alright for you to
laugh. He nicked my bottle of
wine.
Del
Stop moaning about your
bottle of wine, you old git.
anyway, Rodney didn't mean to
'af-inch it. Look, he's in
love. You know we've got to
learn... we've got to learn
to be a bit more under-
standing, you see.
Albert
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
It was only a cheap bottle of
wine anyway.
Del
Exactly. Now then...Ere, that
dipstick's only had my smoked
salmon away an' all, ain't
he, eh? You wait 'til I get
my hands on him!
Albert
Don't have a go at him in
front of Cassandra. You'll
just embarrass the boy.
Del
You're right, Albert. I'll
wait 'til she's gone, then
I'll kick him up the jacksy!
Any letters for me this
morning?
Albert
No, just a couple of bills.
Nothing from them dopey
competitions of yours.
Del
You won't be calling 'em
dopey when I win, will you?
Albert
How can you win? You don't
post your entry 'til a
couple of days before the
closing date.
Del
No, because that ensures that
my entry will get to the top
of the pile! You know,
you've gotta think about
these things, haven't yer?
Albert
There's a competition on the
back of them cornflakes.
Del
You can't win the raffle if
you don't buy a ticket, can
you? Listen, I'm expecting
Monkey Harris to come round
in the morning. He's
expecting a load of them
Italian shirts from Malaya
the end of the month. Tell
him I'm not interested.
Albert
But you are?
Del
I know that. But don't let
him know that. Otherwise
he'll expect a fair price,
won't he, eh?
Cut to lounge. The door bell rings.
Rodney
I'll get it.
Cassandra
What's that, another competi-
tion?
Del
Yeah. I'll win this one.
Cassandra
What have you got to do?
Del
I dunno yet.
Rodney
(To Del)
Oi, it's Albert's old bird.
(Calls)
Uncle, your date is ere.
(To Del)
What an old dragon!
Del
(Laughing)
I know!
Del looks out through the open hall door and reacts.
Del
(Cont'd)
You saucy git, that's Petula!
(Calls)
Come in sweetheart. Let's
take your coat.
INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney is seated at a table and is wearing his market
clothes. On the table there are two women's maga-
zines, something like 'Cosmopolitan' and 'Marie
Claire'.
Rodney is reading an article in one of the women's
mags. The headline then sub headline reads: "Sex! A
Rose Garden Or Minefield?" Rodney reads the article
with a worried interest. He is now reading the second
magazine. At the top of the page the headline reads:
"Pregnancy And The Single Girl". Rodney reads some of
it then looks up, a worried man. He places the
magazine back on the table and then sips his drink.
He picks up his "Which Car?" magazine and opens it
directly to a page which shows a full-page as for
Durex. The ad consists of a blow-up photo of a
condom sachet with the manufacturer's name printed
across it.
Mike
Right, there you go, love.
Cassandra
Thanks.
Cassandra returns with meals. She hands Rodney the pie
and chips.
Rodney
Oh sorry, Cass, I've sort
of... lost me appetite a
bit.
Cassandra
Why, what's wrong?
Rodney
Nothing. I was just sitting
here thinking about us.
Cassandra
And it's put you off your
food! Thanks, Rodney.
Rodney
No, no, I didn't mean it
like that, Cass!
Cassandra
Hm?
Rodney
We're pretty close, wouldn't
you say?
Cassandra
Sorry?
She moves her chair.
Rodney
I didn't mean it like that.
I mean, we get on really
well.
Cassandra
We have our moments.
Rodney
Well, it's them moments
that's worrying me. You see,
I've got a bit of a dilemma.
I think maybe I ought to
discuss it.
Cassandra
Fire away.
Rodney
Well, look, we're both
responsible, mature adults.
Cassandra
Yes.
Cassandra now blows down the straw and makes her drink
bubble up.
Rodney
Oh that's it, forget it!
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Del enters, carrying a large cardboard box. Albert
follows Del in, carrying a similar box.
Albert
Bloody fair, innit? A young
feller like Rodney stops off
to have dinner with a bird
and leaves the carrying to
an old chap like me.
Del
(Mocking)
They've got no respect these
days.
Albert
They've got no respect these
days.
Del
You fought in a war, didn't
you?
Albert
I fought in a war, didn't I?
I fought so that kids like
Rodney could have freedom.
And what do they do with
their freedom?
Del
(Mocking)
Anything they ruddy like!
Albert
Anything they ruddy like!
Del
You'd better stick all those
Eyetie shirts in Rodder's
room.
Albert moves to front door and closes it. As he does
so he finds the envelope and picks it up.
Del
(Referring to
letter)
Oi, is that for me?
Albert
No, it's addressed to Rodney.
Del takes the envelope and opens it. He removes the
contents which consist of a two-page letter clipped
to a holiday brochure which shows a Mediterranean
beach and the word 'Mallorca'.
Del
Oh well, same thing. Let's
see what he's been gettin'
through the post. Now
then... 'Dear Rodney
Trotter, thank you for
your contribution to bla
bla... We are pleased to
tell you bla bla'.
Albert
What's wrong?
Del
Well, d'you remember that
competition I sent off?
Albert
You've sent off hundreds of
'em!
Del
The Mega Flakes competition.
Albert
Yeah. What about it?
Del
Well, what they wanted you
to do, you had to draw or
paint a world-famous land-
mark, right? Well, world-
famous landmarks are not
my specialty; I'm more of
a portrait man meself. So,
just for a laugh, I sent
off the old 'Marble Arch
at Dawn' in Rodney's name,
and guess what? He's only
won!
Albert
You're pulling my leg!
Del
No, no, look, straight up!
Have a butcher's at that,
look. They're giving away
ten top prizes of a
week's holiday in the
Mediterranean and Rodney's
copped for one! I always
said that was a good
painting, didn't I? I
mean, it's the realism,
you see, that's always
been Rodney's strength.
Albert
Aah, I'm well pleased for
the boy. He's never won
anything in his life.
Del
No, only a couple of 'Ugly
Bird' contests when he was
younger. And look where
they're sending him -
Mallorca!
Albert
'A luxury suite in a five-
star hotel, a la carte menu
and a week's spending money
for the winners and their
guests.'
Del
Their guests! Their guests!
Of course it's always been a
holiday for two, innit? Oh
yes, I could do with a
break! Of yes, a bit of
sunshine'll set me up a
treat.
Albert now turns to the second page of the letter.
Albert
That's strange!
Del
What is?
Albert
Have you read page two?
Del
Well no, not yet.
Albert
Well, I think you'd better.
Del
Oh no! I don't believe these
wallies!
Albert
Bit of a mix-up at their
head office I suppose. Bloody
shame innit? You were
looking forward to that
holiday as well, weren't you?
Del
Yeah.
Albert
Still, at least Rodney never
found out, and what he don't
know won't hurt him. You
better phone the cornflakes
people and tell them.
Del
Yeah, I'll phone 'em and say
thank you very much, see you
in Mallorca.
Albert
But you can't go ahead with
it!
Del
You don't wanna put money on
that do you? Listen, me and
Rodney have never had
holidays like other people.
I can't say bonjour to a
chance like this without a
fight! It's a holiday, it's
sunshine - it's free!
Albert
Have you read that second
page properly?
Del
Yes, I've read it! Look, me
and Rodders can wing it!
We've got over worser
problems than this.
Albert
Well you'd better tell Rodney
and see what he says.
Del
I will tell him, but not
straight away. I'll chose my
moment carefully.
Albert
Would you prefer me to break
the news?
Del
No, I'd prefer you to mind
your own business and keep
well out of it.
Albert
You know me, son, I never
interfere. But I think it's
only right to tell the boy.
Del
Yes, what we have here,
Uncle, is a case of je ne
sais pas pourquoi.
Albert
What's that mean?
Del
Well, roughly translated it
means; 'He who sticks his
nose into a beehive will get
more than a nostrilful of
honey!' Are we understanding
each other?
Albert
I'm saying nothing, son.
Del
Cushty.
INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney
I'd better be getting off.
Cassandra
What are you and Del up to
today?
Rodney
He's picking up a gross of
Italian shirts off Monkey
Harris and I'm down the
market selling kiddies'
dolls.
Rodney pats the old suitcase which is standing next to
him.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
I won't always be doing this.
Cassandra
Doing what?
Rodney
Well, selling crap down
markets. I'll get my diploma
in computer science soon.
Then things will change.
Cassandra
You don't have to prove
anything to me, you know
that don't you, Rodney?
Rodney
Well, you've got a good job
in a bank, ain't yer? Your
dad's a successful business-
man and me, well, I'm an
apprentice fly-pitcher! I
mean, let's be fair, Cass, a
girl like you, she could
marry some really rich good-
looking bloke.
Cassandra
If I was to meet a handsome,
wealthy young man and he
asked me to marry him, d'you
know what I'd say?
Rodney
What?
Cassandra
I'd say, "Ciao, Rodney!" And
you wouldn't see me for the
tinted windows of his
Porsche. But until that time
I'm happy to drag along with
you.
Rodney
So you're not just saying
that?
Cassandra
No, honestly.
Rodney
(A great sigh
of relief)
And there's me fretting, eh?
Cassandra
I've been going out with you
longer than I went out with
any of my other boyfriends.
And do you know why?
Rodney
'Cos they all packed you in?
Cassandra
Right! And because I love you.
Rodney
Oh! Well, I love you too,
Cass.
We now see Mike is clearing the table next to them and
has heard this.
Mike
What a load of old cobblers!
Mike moves back to the bar mumbling to himself.
Mike
(Cont'd)
It makes you wanna throw up!
Cassandra
Why do you always come to this
pub?
Del enters.
Rodney
It's the atmosphere, I
suppose.
Del
Rodders!
Rodney
Yeah, on me way now, Del.
Del
No, no stay where you are.
Michael - champagne!
Del arrives at the table.
Del
(To Rodney)
Have I got news for you,
bruv. You, Rodney Trotter,
have only won a competition!
Rodney
Alright, what is it, a wind-
up?
Del
No, no, this is God's-honest.
Look, there it is, in black
and white. What can't speak
can't lie! Look at that,
look at that!
Rodney
I don't believe this is
happening to me! Bloody 'ell!
(To Cassandra)
Oh sorry!
Cassandra
That's alright. Where's the
other page?
Del
Eh?
Cassandra
Well, it says: 'please turn
to page two'.
Del
Ah, yes, that's alright, no
... I've left that at the
flat.
Rodney
It's not a mistake?
Del
No, no, it's all pukka.
They're looking forward to
meeting you in Mallorca! They
wanna take publicity photo-
graphs and everything. You're
gonna be on the back of
millions of cornflake
packets!
Rodney
Am I?
Del
Yeah, you and the other nine
winners, yeah.
Rodney
A Mediterranean holiday, eh?
I've never won anything
before in my life, have I?
Del
No, apart from them 'Ugly
Bird' comp... No, he's never
won anything in his life.
Cassandra
You clever old thing! I
didn't even know you'd been
in for a competition.
Rodney
Well, no, it was... Del, I
never went in for this
competition!
Del
No, no, I did it for you. It
was a painting competition,
you see, so I sent of the old
'Marble Arch at Dawn', and
it's come up trumps!
Cassandra
What did the other page say?
Del
Er... nothing... er... it was
all about sightseeing and
excursions and all that sort
of thing. 'Ere listen, I'll
get the champers, alright?
Del escapes to the bar.
Rodney
A holiday for two in Mallorca,
eh?
Cassandra
Mm.
Rodney
Can you imagine it Cass? A
luxury suite, five star
hotel.
Cassandra
A la carte menu!
Rodney
Spending money! A whole week
of total freedom. Nothing to
do but sit back in the sun-
shine and gaze at the
blue skies and golden beaches
- and then dance the night
away in the warm Mediterranean
air.
Cassandra
God, it sounds wonderful!
Rodney
Will you miss me?
Cassandra
Bound to. But I expect I'll
find something to replace
the excitement of your
presence - you know,
knitting, something like
that.
Rodney
Can you get a week of work?
Cassandra
Yeah, I'm owed some holidays.
Rodney
Right! What about your
parents?
Cassandra
I thought it was only a
holiday for two.
Rodney
You know what I mean. How are
they gonna feel about you
going on holiday with me?
Cassandra
Rodney, mum and dad like you,
they trust you.
Rodney
Do they? I'm not sure I like
that.
Del returns with a bottle of champagne and glasses on
a tray.
Del
Here we go. There we go. I'll
tell you what, Rodders, we'll
be having champagne for
breakfast every morning when
we get to Mallorca. And all
down to Larkin. There you go
darling. I'll tell you what.
I just can't wait to get
there.
Rodney reacts, he hadn't reckoned on this. He looks to
Cassandra for help. She lowers her eyes, sensing that
this is a family matter.
Rodney
Er... well, thing is, Del.
Del
Come on, drink up, 'ere come
one. Cheers! Celebrate!
Rodney
Cheers. It's just that, you
now, this holiday is for two,
and I... I was thinking...
Del
No, no, no. It's not for two!
It's for three people.
Rodney
Three?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
You sure?
Del
'Course I'm sure. I read it
...it was on the page that I
tre...I left in the flat.
Rodney
Three's a funny number, innit?
Del
Oh yeah, three's very funny.
Always has me in stitches
does three. How about you?
Cassandra
Three's not bad, but seven's
my favourite, it creases me
up.
Del
Oh, seven's a killer.
Rodney
What I mean is, these things
are usually done in twos,
ain't they? I mean, you see
it on the telly, don't you
- Bob's Full House, The
Price Is Right and all that
game - a holiday for two!
So why's this one for three?
Del
I don't know. Ask the people
at the cornflakes factory.
Cassandra
Maybe it's 'cos it's Mega
Flakes. You know? They do
everything bigger.
Del
There you are, see, she's
cracked it. I'll tell you
what this means, Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
It means that Cassandra can
come with us, eh?
Rodney
Yeah, hadn't thought of that.
Cassandra
Thank you. Love to.
Del
Yeah well, what is it eh?
Just - what three weeks to
the off? Just enough time to
get us some new clothes. You
get your bikini-line sorted
out, and then we are away.
Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney
Yeah great! Three people?
Del
Yes, three, Rodney, just
three, three. Just don't keep
on about it, alright?
Cassandra
How does Albert feel about
you two going off and leaving
him?
Del
Albert is over the moon about
it. Gives him seven clear
days to row in with Elsie
Partridge. She'll be round
the flat before you can say
ole!
Cassandra
Excuse me.
Rodney
Oh right.
(Kissing her
on cheek)
Look... er... I'll see you
later, OK? Take care.
Cassandra
I'm just going to the ladies.
Rodney
Sorry! I thought you were
going back to...
Del is laughing at Rodney as Cassandra exits.
Del
You wally!
Rodney
Shut up. Look, I’m glad
she's gone, I want to have a
little chat with ya, you
know? I've got a bit of a
problem. Well, it's more of
a worry.
Del
What? Is it about the
holiday?
Rodney
Well, yeah, sort of. Er...
Holiday's heightened my
concern, you know? Made
the problem a little more
urgent kinda thing.
Del
What is it, then?
Rodney
Well, it's...
Rodney picks up the 'Which Car?' magazine. He surveys
the bar to make sure no one is looking. He places the
magazine under the table and opens the page to Del.
Del
What, Ford Escorts?
Rodney
Eh? No...
Rodney finds the right page. He opens the magazine so
that Del and us get a quick glimpse of the condom ad.
He closes it quickly.
Del
Oh I see. Look bruv, you
don't have t worry; they're
not really that size in real
life.
Rodney
I know that! God... I know
they're not that... bloody
'ell! What I mean is, me and
Cassandra, are getting
closer all the time, you
know? Well, I mean, we
haven't done nothing yet.
Del
No? I thought you was on the
firm with it.
Rodney
No, no, no, it's nothing
like that. But you, wee you
know let's face it, with the
best of intentions these
things can get beyond our
control.
Del
Yeah. Way beyond mine.
Rodney
Exactly. So I feel that in
this day and age, er... what
with what's happening in
the world, it is every
responsible adult's duty to,
well...
Del
Go equipped?
Rodney
Well yeah, if you like.
Del
Yeah, well, no... that's very
wise and mature of you,
Rodders, that is. So what's
the problem?
Rodney
Well I... I keep going to buy
'em...
Del
And...
Rodney
Well, there's a sort of stigma
attached to 'em.
Del
No, that's just a piece of
silver foil. You chuck that
away.
Rodney
I don't know why I ever
involved you in this. I mean,
well... in this day of AIDS
and all the warnings on the
telly and in the press and
all that, people are still
embarrassed to go and buy
'em. I mean, me, I seem to
think that it's only seedy
little blokes do it.
Del
Hm.
Rodney
Will you go and get 'em for
me?
Del
On your bike! Get 'em your-
self!
Rodney
I've been trying to do that
for a long time, but when-
ever I go into the shop
it's either a lady serving
me or me bottle goes! Look
at this.
Rodney produces four combs, a tub of Vick and some
photographic film.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
This morning I bought four
combs, a tub of Vick and a
film for a Kodak Insta-
matic!
Del
Yeah, but they sell them
everywhere these days. You
can get 'em in the... in
the butcher's, the bike
shop, in Patel's Multimart
- they're by the phonecard
counter. They even had a
machine in here you could
get 'em in once. You know,
except it got jammed with a
drachma. Have you discussed
it with Cassandra?
Rodney
Well, of course I haven't!
What d'you think I...? Hold
up, she's coming back!
Del
Alright? Want some more
champagne darling?
Cassandra
No, I've got to get back to
work in a minute. I'll
stick with the fruit juice.
Del
I'll get you another one.
Rodney
Cass. What I was saying
earlier about our blossoming
relationship.
Cassandra
What about it?
Rodney
Well, when one is in a
situation like ours - one...
Cassandra
Or in our case , two.
Rodney
Or in our case two. Should be
careful.
Cassandra
Careful of what?
Rodney
That we don't become three!
Cassandra
Oh! I see what you mean!
Rodney
Yeah... I.. I do hope you
don't think I'm being a bit
presuming. I... I just
thought, well, we are going
on holiday together and, you
know, in that atmosphere of
sunshine and freedom and,
well, sharing the hotel
suite, our relationship
might..,. could - well, who
knows? - ascend to a more
physical plane.
Cassandra
Yes, I suppose so.
Rodney
Yeah?
Cassandra
Well, who knows what might
happen? You haven't been
discussing this with Del,
have you?
Rodney
Well... no, course I have-
n't, no. What d'you think I
am?
Cassandra
Good.
Del now shouts from across the bar.
Del
Oi, Rodders! You're in luck.
Mike's had a new machine
fitted in the gents.
Mike
I'll get you some change,
Rodney.
INT. ARRIVALS AREA. PALMA AIRPORT. DAY. STUDIO.
We see Del, Rodney and Cassandra exiting from the customs
area.
Del
Where are they, then?
Rodney
The courier said meet at the
desk.
Cassandra
There it is.
Above the desk is a large 'Mega Flakes' logo. All of the
group wear rosette-type badges which carry the logo and
their names written in magic marker.
An Englishman wearing short-sleeved shirt and a tie is
walking among the group asking questions and ticking off
names on a clipboard.
Rodney
Right! Pour the sangria, Jose,
we have arrived!
Rodney takes Cassandra's arm and they are about to move
towards desk.
Del
Just a minute, hang on.
Rodney
What's up?
Del
Listen, just before you go
and check in... erm... the
prize ain't quite as
straight-forward as it
seems.
Cassandra
Rodney did win, didn't he?
Del
Oh yes, yes, yes. Oh yeah,
well, it's all pukka and
above board and all that. I
mean, we're here, ain't we?
You know, we've got all the
tickets and everything,
yeah?
Cassandra
So what's the problem?
Rodney is now studying the group with a puzzled express-
ion.
Rodney
That's strange, you know.
Cassandra
What?
Rodney
Well, I noticed it on the
plane but it didn't sort of
register. They're all mums
and dads. They've all brought
their kids with 'em.
Cassandra
What's strange about that?
Rodney
Well, except for me, right,
all the winners are parents.
Del
No, it's not the parents that
are the winners, Rodney. It's
the kids.
Cassandra
What do you mean?
Del
Well, Rodney's painting won
first prize - in an under-15
-year-old category.
Rodney
Say it again!
Cassandra
So they think Rodney's 15?
Rodney
Is that right?
Del
No. They think you're 14.
Rodney
Fourteen? They think I'm 14?
Inside Cassandra wants to explode with laughter but,
for Rodney's sake, she controls herself. But as she
looks at him it becomes too much.
She turns away quickly with a tiny snort or yelp or
whatever.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Why didn't you tell me this
back in England?
Del
Well, I thought it might cast
a little cloud over the
holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent
your painting off in good
faith. I mean, I didn't know
there were lots of
categories. But it was you -
not me - you were the one
that wrote on it 'Rodney
Trotter, aged 14 and an
'arf'. So the organizers
must have put you in the
kid's category. So it's your
fault for writing on it.
Rodney
But how was I to know that in
12 years' time you were going
to enter it for a cornflakes
competition?
Del
Well, how was I supposed to
know that you'd win, eh? 'Ere,
it doesn't matter. Now, come
on, come on, you're gonna
waltz through it.
Cassandra has regained her composure and turns back to
them just in time to hear Rodney say:
Rodney
Waltz through it! How the
'ell am I gonna pass for 14?
Cassandra turns away again convulsed with laughter.
Rodney
Will you stop doing that,
Cassandra?
Cassandra
Sorry.
Rodney
Act your age.
Cassandra collapses with laughter at this.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
(To Del)
This is your fault. I'm gonna
break your bloody neck!
Del
Just look, just look over
there look, look. Some of
those lads, look, they're
over six foot tall. I mean,
15- and 16-year-olds, they
look much older these days
than they used to. And
you've got the added
advantage of your boyish
good looks.
Cassandra nods but is still hiding her face to conceal
her laughter.
Rodney
That's why there was three
tickets, innit? One each for
Mummy and Daddy and one for
the sprog.
Del
Well, you can't expect 13-
and 14-year-olds to go abroad
on their own, can you?
Rodney
And what exactly is your role
in all this?
Del
Well, when the cornflakes
people phoned up they said
that you had to be
accompanied by your parents.
So I said - and I... I don't
know why I did it, I must
have been flustered at the
time - I said that I was
your dad.
Rodney
My dad! Did you hear that,
Cassandra?
Cassandra
Yeah! And who the hell am I
supposed to be? His mum?
Del
Shh! Shh! Keep it down! I
said that Rodney's real
mother had sadly passed away,
I mean, that's the truth
innit? And I said that I had
met a younger woman who has
become a very important part
of my life.
Cassandra
And is that supposed to be
me?
Del
No, it's that fat bird over
the back there! Yes, it's
supposed to be you.
Cassandra
So, according to you, I'm
supposed to be Rodney's
common-law stepmother?
Rodney
God, please tell me this is a
bad dream.
Del
You're only pretending aren't
you? I mean, you ain't gotta
check behind his ears or pick
him up from school or nothing
like that, have yer?'
Cassandra
I think we should go and tell
them the truth.
Del
Just a minute, dopey, just a
minute. We're here, now,
aren't we? If we all keep
schtum we can have a lovely
free holiday.
Rodney
But if they find out we're
lying they'll chuck us out
the hotel.
Del
And if they find out we're
telling them the truth,
they'll chuck us out of the
hotel. Now return flights
are not for another week, so
what we gonna do? They'll
probably stick us in a
Spanish half-way home.
Rodney
Del Boy, at some point
during the week, they are
gonna realise I am not 14.
Del
Yeah, but we'll be back in
the hotel by then, won't we?
There'll be nobody there to
ask questions? Come on,
we're on holiday, eh?
Cassandra
Well, whatever else it turns
out to be, it's an experience.
Del
Good girl, good girl, that's
right. You know it makes
sense, don't yer? That's it
now come on, come on, then,
come on, let's get over
there and check in, come on.
And try to act a bit mumsy.
Cassandra
What d'you mean, mumsy?
Del
Just be a bit mumsy, that's
all.
Del and Cassandra move off towards the desk. As they
arrive Perkins is talking to some of the parents.
Perkins
We'll be leaving in about
five minutes, OK? It's only
a half-hour journey to the
hotel, so we should be
there in plenty of time for
lunch.
Del
Excuse me. Trotter party.
Perkins
Oh, Mr Trotter, good. We've
been waiting for you.
Del
Hello there.
Perkins
Alan Perkins. Pleased to meet
you both. Now, here are your
rosettes...
Del
Oh lovely.
Perkins
Mrs Trotter, Mr Trotter, and
this one's for young Rod...
He's a big lad, isn't he?
Del
Yes, his late mother was a
very tall woman. Six foot
three.
Perkins
Really?
Del
Oh yes.
Perkins
Extraordinary. Oh well,
here's your badge, Rodney.
Perkins hands Rodney a pin-on metal badge which has
'The Groovy Gang' printed on it.
Perkins
(Cont'd)
You are now a life member of
the Groovy Gang.
Rodney
The what?
Perkins
The Groovy Gang. It's just
an idea we came up with to
help the kids feel really
part of it. Every time one
of the organizers says, 'Are
you having fun?' all you
kids shout back, 'Groovy'.
Cassandra turns her head to avoid Rodney seeing her
laugh.
Del
(To Perkins)
Well, don't worry, don't
worry. He'll soon get the
hang of it.
Perkins
Yes, fine. Well, we'll... er
... be off in a moment.
Del
Yes thank you.
Rodney
I don't believe this is
happening to me!
Del
We'll be on the coach in a
minute, be at the hotel in
'arf an hour and then you're
free to do what you want.
Nice, and easy bruv, nice and
easy.
Carmen
OK! All the members of the
Groovy Gang over here.
Rodney
Oh no!
Carmen
We're all going to the hotel
on the Fun Bus. Not with all
the old fogies.
Del, playing the part, chuckles along with the other
parents.
Del
Sauce, eh?
Rodney is horrified to see Del joining in.
Rodney
You're enjoying this, ain't
yer?
Del
I'm just playing along with
them.
Perkins
Mums and dads, if you'd
like to follow me, the coach
is just outside. We've laid
on a little welcoming
reception back at the hotel.
I'm sure that none of you
would object to a glass or
three of sangria.
Del
That's lovely, Alan. Go on,
then, Rodney, go on, off
you go.
Rodney
What?
Del
You're supposed to be with
the Groovy Gang.
Rodney
I don't want to be with the
sodding Groovy Gang!
Del
Come on, Rodney, don't spoil
it now.
Cassandra
They're looking over here.
Carmen
I'm still waiting for a...
Rodney Trotter.
Del
Over here, sweetheart! Here
he is.
Carmen
Come on, Rodney don't be...
Carmen's smile dies as she reacts to Rodney. She has
never seen a taller or mature-looking 14-year-old.
Del
Hurry up, Rodders, they're
getting suspicious.
Rodney
I'm not going.
Perkins
Is he not a good mixer?
Del
A good mixer? He's like a
Kenwood Chef when he gets
going.
Carmen
Come on, Rodney, come on,
Rodney, don't be shy.
You'll soon make friends.
We're gong out for a jumbo
hamburger and double French
fries.
Del
That's his favourite.
Cassandra
Don't get any ketchup down
your shirt.
Rodney
Et tu, Cassandra?
Cassandra shrugs helplessly to Rodney in a 'what can I
do?' manner.
Del
We'll see you back at the
hotel, then, Rodney.
Del's arm goes around Cassandra's waist.
Del
(Cont'd)
Come on, darling.
Cassandra
(Clenched teeth)
Don't push your luck, Derek.
Carmen leads Rodney across to the rest of the Groovy
Gang, where there is a little girl of about thirteen.
She fancies Rodney.
Little Girl
Do you like Bros?
Rodney
No.
Carmen
All together, are you having
fun?
Groovy Gang
Groovy!
Carmen
That's better. Let's go.
INT. SPANISH HOTEL BEDROOM. DAY. STUDIO.
Cassandra's suitcase is open on the bed. She is now
fuming at the sudden turn of events. She is dumping
the clothes into cupboards, etc., and slamming doors
and drawers.
Del enters through the main door in a rather sheep-
ish manner. Their eyes meet. Del smiles. Cassandra
glares.
Del
Alright?
Cassandra slams a drawer.
Del
(Cont'd)
Nice ere, innit? I've just
been down to reception I've
bought us some Spanish state
lottery tickets.
Cassandra slams a drawer.
Del
(Cont'd)
There's some for you, I put
your name on and everything.
And there's some for Rodney
there, look, and there's
some for me. Never know your
luck eh? We're on a winning
roll, ain't we?
Cassandra
Tell that to poor Rodney.
Del
Oh look, don't keep going on
about it. You're gonna spoil
the holiday for us you will.
Listen, have you had a look
round? What's here? Oh
that's very nice.
She slams something else. Del pops his head into second
bedroom.
Del
(Cont'd)
That must be Rodney's room.
It's got a picture of Prince
on the wall.
Cassandra
If that's Rodney's room,
where am I supposed to sleep?
Del
Well... well, I assumed that
you and Rodney... No,
alright. I'll sleep in there.
Cassandra
Okay, so you sleep in that
room. But, I repeat, where
am I supposed to sleep?
Del
Well... well, I thought that
you and Rodney... Or maybe
not!
Cassandra
I'll sleep in there. You and
Rodney can have the honey-
moon bed.
Del
Alright, alright, anything
you say, sweetheart,
anything you say. I just
thought it might be a bit
strange when the old maid
comes in. You know, see me
and old Rodney tucked up on
the king-size.
Cassandra
It would look even stranger
if she found Rodney
sleeping with his step-
mother!
Del
I didn't think of that. I'd
better go and cancel break-
fast in bed. Do you want me
to take that picture of
Prince down off the wall?
Cassandra
Just leave it, Derek. You've
helped Rodney and me already.
Del
Oh look, I thought the
cornflakes people would
leave us alone to enjoy our
holiday. I didn't know they
were going to conscript
Rodney into the Groovy Gang.
I mean, why are they doing
it?
Cassandra
Mr Perkins explained it to
us. It's so the youngsters
won't get bored and parents
can have a rest. I won't
see him all week, will I?
Del
Yes, of course you will. He's
bound to get a spot of leave.
(Looking out of
apartment window)
Here y'are. There they all
are now. Hey, Rodney, don't
go mad!
Cassandra
Where are they?
Del
They just went down over that
hill there.
Cassandra
That was quick, wasn't it?
Del
They were on skateboards.
Rodney was the leader, he was
right out in front. Leader of
the pack.
Cassandra
Oh my God!
There is a knock at the door.
Del
Hello?
Carmen
May I come in?
Del
Yes, come in.
Carmen enters. She is wearing her official uniform.
Carmen
Hello, Mrs Trotter.
Cassandra forgets that she is the temporary Mrs Trotter.
Cassandra
Oh! Good afternoon, Carmen.
Carmen
Is Rodney here?
Cassandra
No, he's not here at the
moment.
Carmen
Oh he's still out enjoying
himself.
Cassandra
Yes.
Carmen
Well, it's just to let him
know about the junior disco
on Wednesday night. But
I'll come back later and
tell him then. Bye for now.
Carmen exits.
Cassandra turns to Del who is at doors to the balcony.
Cassandra
Did you hear that?
Del
He enjoys a little dance.
Cassandra
It's a junior disco.
Del
Well, alright, we'll say he's
ill.
Cassandra
Oh what, more lies?
Del
No. When Rodney finds out,
he's bound to be a bit Tom
and Dick anyway. Right, I'm
gonna have a wash then we go
down and get something to
eat, alright?
Cassandra
But what about Rodney?
Del
Oh that's alright. We'll pick
him up down there somewhere.
Cassandra
Yes, just look for the nearest
sandpit.
Del exits to bathroom laughing at Cassandra's line which
she didn't mean to be funny. From inside the bathroom we
hear the sound of running tap-water and Del singing
"Spanish eyes".
Now the main doors opens slowly and Rodney enters. He
wears a skate-boarder's protective helmet, elbow and
knee pads and carries his skateboard under his arm.
Rodney is forcing himself to stay calm, his face is
serious - deadly serious. He stares at Cassandra, daring
her to laugh. Cassandra fights not to laugh at this
vision before her. Rodney points a warning finger at her.
Cassandra
What have you been doing?
Rodney
I've been skateboarding,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
Oh I see.
Rodney
Where's Del?
Cassandra
He's having a wash.
Rodney moves to bathroom door and knocks gently.
Rodney
(Calmly)
Derek?
Del
Is that you, Rodders?
Rodney
Yes, I'm back. Could you come
out, please. I'd like a word
with you.
Del
Won't be long, bruv.
Rodney
(Still calm)
No, could you come out now?
Del
No, I've got me pants off,
Rodney!
Rodney
Well, it's quite urgent, Del.
Del
Alright. Give us five
minutes, I'll be with you.
Rodney
Sorry about the bad language,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
What bad language?
Rodney
(Explodes)
Get out here now, you bastard,
I'm going to kill you!
Del
Oi, oi, oi. What's up with
you?
Rodney
I'll tell you what's up with
me... Thanks to you I am now
a 26-year-old man who just
came second in a skateboard
derby!
Del
Second? You were in the lead
when I saw you!
Rodney
I fell off!
Del
I told you not to go mad.
Rodney
I also have a 13-year-old
Bros fan called Trudie who's
got the hots for me. And
tomorrow I start the first
of three cycling proficiency
lessons and I'm gonna kill
you!
Del
Calm down, Rodney! You're
acting like a big kid.
Rodney
Bastard!
Del
I'm not coming out 'til
you've simmered down a bit.
Rodney
Well, I'll wait. I don't care
if it takes all bloody week.
I'm gonna get you, Derek
Trotter, I'm gonna get you!
Cassandra
Have you seen the view?
Rodney
No!
Rodney exits to balcony putting his skateboard down
somewhere and removing his helmet as he does.
He throws himself down in balcony chair and stares
angrily out at the view.
Cassandra
Would you like a drink?
Rodney
Strychnine, please.
Cassandra
Ice and lemon?
Rodney at last cracks a tiny smile.
Rodney shows her a graze on his arm.
Rodney
That's where I come off. Poxy
lizard!
Cassandra
Shall I clean it up for you?
Rodney
No.
Cassandra
It could turn septic.
Rodney
Good.
Cassandra now sees someone down by the pool.
Cassandra
Is that Trudie waving at you?
Rodney
Yeah.
Rodney gives a tiny, embarrassed wave back.
Cassandra controls her laughter and exits to bedroom.
She moves to the bar or cocktail cabinet to get Rodney's
drink. As she does so Del exits from bathroom
cautiously.
Del
Has he come to his senses
yet?
Rodney
Git!
Del
Veinites, alright veinites.
Look, Rodney, look, do you
think if I knew this was
gonna happen that I would
allow us to come over here?
Rodney
Well, of course you would!
'Cos you don't give a toss
about anybody else as long
as you're having a good
time.
Del
Oh, that hurts, Rodney! No,
that hurts! That's like a...
like a knife going right
through my heart, that. I
may be many things but I'm
not selfish.
Cassandra passes a drink to Rodney but Del intercepts
it and starts to drink it.
Del
(Cont'd)
Cheers, darling, thank you
very much. Anyway, they
probably fixed up all the
entertainments today to make
you feel at home. The rest
of the week is your own,
most probably.
Rodney
Oh no. I was given the full
itinerary. Tomorrow after my
cycling lesson, we're off to
the splash 'n' slide. Then
Wednesday in the morning
we're going go-karting. Then
in the afternoon we have a
ping-pong championship. Then
on Thursday me and the rest
of the Groovy Gang are out
all day painting Palma
Cathedral.
Del
What, in matt or vinyl?
Rodney
You're enjoying every bloody
minute of this, ain't you?
Del
No, I'm not, I'm not. I'm
just trying to lighten the
atmosphere. Honestly if you
keep up this mood you're
going to ruin this holiday
for me.
Rodney
Listen to me, you git. The...
Cassandra
Arguing's not going to help!
Del
It's your fault for telling
him about the junior disco.
Rodney
Junior disco?
Cassandra
I didn't say a word.
Rodney
I ain't going to a junior
disco!
Del
It's alright, Rodney, it's
alright, you don't have to.
Me and your stepmum have
sorted it all out. We're
gonna say you've got gut-
ache!
Rodney
Oh no, don't say I'm ill!
Del
Why not?
Rodney
They've got a great fat nurse
to look after us!
Del
But you like uniforms, don't
you eh?
Rodney
Yeah, but you want to see
her. She'd have to go on a
diet to get into the Roly-
Polys! God, what a choice
eh? I can either have all
day with Trudie in me
earhole going on about Matt
and Luke or have Sister
George rubbing me belly!
Del
Tricky one, bruv!
Rodney
You are enjoying this, ain't
you?
Del
No, honest. I'm trying to
help you.
Cassandra
You're deliberately saying
things to annoy Rodney,
aren't you?
Del
Alright, I won't say another
word! Right, that's it, I'm
just gonna go out and have
a walk around the town,
alright?
Cassandra
I didn't know you liked
uniforms...
Rodney
No, no, it's just him mucking
about.
We hear a knock on the main door. Del opens it to
Perkins and Carmen.
Carmen
Is Rodney back yet?
Del
Rodney, the Arkela I here!
Perkins
We just thought we would...
er... take the opportunity
to... er... check your
passports.
Del
What d'you want to check
our passports for?
We must have the strong feeling that Carmen and Perkins
are suspicious of Rodney's age and are doing their own
investigation. They share little suspicious looks and
are edgy.
Carmen
It's simply Spanish regul-
ations.
Perkins
Immigration laws. I'm sure
you understand.
Del
Do you know where our pass-
ports are, dear?
Cassandra
Oh yes. I'll just get them.
Rodney gestures Del over to him.
Rodney
(Whispering)
My date of birth's on my
passport.
Del
(Whispering)
It's alright, don't worry, I
doctored it.
Rodney
Oh thank... You've done what?
Del
It's alright it was only
written in biro so I altered
the last two numbers to make
it look as though you were
born in 1975. Right?
Rodney
I don't believe...
Cassandra
Here they are.
Carmen and Perkins give the passport a cursory glance
and hand it straight back to Cassandra.
Perkins
Thank you.
Now they do the same thing with the second passport
only they hand it back to Del.
Carmen
Thank you.
Del
Thank you.
Carmen
Thank you.
Del
Thank you.
Now they open Rodney's passport (this is one they've
been looking for).
They study it long and hard. Now they both look at
Rodney, suspicion written all over their faces.
Perkins
Well, everything seems to be
in order. Sorry to have
bothered you.
Carmen
Yes. Rodney, don't forget
about the junior disco on
Wednesday night. We start at
7.40 pm. It's great fun. We
have break-dancing and spot
prizes.
Rodney
Smashing.
Del shows them to the door. Perkins and Carmen exit.
Del
Listen, I reckon we ought to
keep our heads down for a
while, until the coast is
clear. I'll tell you what
I'll do. I'll order some
room service.
Rodney
What? No, no...
Del
Eh?
Rodney
I mean, we're alright now,
ain't we?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
Why don't you go out for a
little while? You know you
look like you could do with
a bit of fresh air.
Rodney gestures with his head, 'Go out and leave me
and Cassandra alone'.
Del
(Gets the message)
Oh? Yeah, yeah. Now you come
to mention it I do feel, you
know, a bit claustrophobic!
Well... I'll leave you two
alone, then, shall I? Oh,
and Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah!
Del, in a kind of loud and secret whisper right across
the room:
Del
They're in my flight bag!
INT. HOTEL BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is a few nights later. Once again the decor is
expensive and tasteful. Upstage we have large double
doors which are open and ead into disco.
Inside the disco we can se members of the Groovy Gang
and other youngsters from the hotel. They are dancing
to 'The Birdie Song'. We get the impression that they
are formed in a large circle and the circle is moving
slowly in an anti-clockwise direction. We can see
only half of the circle and it is without Rodney.
Cassandra is seated alone at table. Del s at the bar
collecting drinks.
Del
So he said he fell with her
... Listen, come on...
Listen, you two better go.
I'll see you later, alright?
Girl
Ta ra, mate. Thank you.
Del
(To Cassandra)
Alright?
Cassandra
No! I thought Rodney and I
would be spending a romantic
week together. I have spent
most nights sitting in our
room alone. All I've seen of
him is brief glimpses as he
and the Groovy Gang rush off
to the crazy golf or the
evening film show. Oh my
poor Rodney!
Cassandra turns towards the disco and reacts. We now
see through the open doors to disco that the Groovy
Gang's dancing circle has moved round and Rodney is
now in view and follows the movement of the others in
an embarrassed, self-conscious way. He does all the
action to 'The Birdie Song'. He now does a double-
take as he sees Del and Cassandra.
Del gives him an encouraging smile and the thumbs up
sign. Rodney glares back and gives him the v-sign.
Del
That's charming, innit? He'll
lose Brownie points for that
one. Still seems to be
enjoying himself, don't he?
Cassandra
Rodney's not enjoying himself!
Last night he cried.
Del
Why do you think he's carry-
ing on with this pretence,
eh? Certainly ain't doing it
for me, 'cos if me and
Rodders had been ere on our
own we'd have been out on
that street ten minutes
after landing! He's only
doing this for you,
sweetheart.
Cassandra
Me?
Del
Yeah. He told me.
Cassandra
Really?
Del
Would I lie to you? He only
wants e to see you having a
good time. He wants to see
you enjoying the sunshine.
He's only trying to make
you happy. So the least you
can do is put on a smile
for him. Let him know his
sacrifices have not been in
vain.
Cassandra
I didn't know.
Del
No, well there you are.
Didn't want to tell you but,
you know, you forced me hand.
Oh, here he is. Alright,
Rodders?
Rodney
(To Trudie)
I'll be back in a minute!
Cassandra
Having fun?
Rodney
Groovy! Ah, you didn't get
me a drink then?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
Well, not to worry, I'll
get my own.
Del
Alright! Don't get stroppy
about it.
Rodney
Can I have a large Bacardi
and coke, please?
Del
And an orange cordial with
ice and a straw, please.
Rodney
Del, I'm gonna tell them the
truth. I can't take it any-
more. Let 'em chuck us out
in the gutter if they like,
I just don't care.
Del
That's alright. Go on, go
on. You just think of number
one, eh? What about that
poor mare? She's having the
time of her life on this
holiday.
Rodney
Are we both talking about
Cassandra?
Del
Yes, we are. She just told
me.
Rodney
But last night she told me
she hated it! She said she'd
rather be self-catering in
Beirut!
Del
She's only saying that for
you. 'Cos she thinks you got
the 'ump because you had to
go into these ping-pong
championships and hamburger-
eating contests. She's only
backing you up. But secretly
she's really enjoying
herself. Go on, you go and
ask her.
Rodney
I didn't know that.
Del
No, well I didn't want to
tell you but, you know, you
forced it out of me.
Rodney sits down next to Cassandra.
Rodney
So, you enjoying yourself?
Cassandra
Yeah, I'm having a great
time. You?
Rodney
Yeah, cosmic. I wish we were
staying here for a fortnight.
You enjoying yourself, Del?
Del
Not bad.
We now see a woman enter and survey the bar. She is in
her early 30s, good figure but slightly brassy in make-
up, hair-style and dress.
Del
(Cont'd)
Yeah, I'll be with you in a
minute sweetheart! Promised
to take those two girls to
a nightclub. May e back
late - tomorrow lunchtime,
sort of! I've emptied my
flight bag. See ya!
Del exits with the woman.
Rodney and Cassandra smile at each other.
Carmen calls from the disco doors.
Carmen
Rodney, Rodney. It's the
finals of the break-dancing
championship.
Rodney
God!
Cassandra
It's up to you. D'you fancy
watching?
Rodney
Watching? I'm in it!
INT. HOTEL BAR. DAY. STUDIO.
Del enters looking disheveled - as if he has just
surfaced from a hectic night. Rodney and Cassandra are
seated at the bar looking at a newspaper.
Del
Juan. Can I have a pina
colada with ice and Alka
Seltzer?
Upon hearing his voice Rodney and Cassandra move down
the bar to him.
Rodney
Del.
Del
Yeah?
Cassandra
Where have you been?
Del
Sorry, dear. Me and that
woman I took out last night
found we had a lot in
common. What are you two
dancing about for?
Rodney
You know you said we was on a
winning roll?
Del
Yeah?
Rodney
It weren't a roll, my son, it
was a bloody avalanche!
(To Cassandra)
Sorry.
Cassandra
It's OK.
Del
What are you talking about?
Rodney
We've won.
Del
I'm not with you Rodders.
Rodney
We've won!
Del
What, the break-dancing
contest?
Cassandra
D'you remember the day we
arrived at the hotel? You
bought some Spanish state
lottery tickets. Well...
Rodney/Cassandra
We've won!
Del
You're winding me up!
Rodney
No, No, look.
Rodney shows Del the newspaper and ticket.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Carmen gave us this paper to
swat the flies with. Cassy
did Spanish at school and
she noticed the result. Look.
Del
Bloody hell!
Rodney
(To Cassandra)
Sorry.
Cassandra
S'alright.
Rodney
It's a million pesetas,
Derek!
Del
A million? You know what this
means, don't you Rodney?
We've done it! We're
millionaires! I always told
you didn't I?
Rodney
You've always said it!
Del
Yes, this time next year...
Rodney and Del
We'll be millionaires!
Cassandra
But it's only a million
pesetas.
Rodney and Del
Only!
Del
Listen, darling. I don't care
if it's pesetas, roubles or
Hungarian luncheon vouchers!
We're rich!
Del and Rodney embrace and jump up and down in joyous
celebration. Del breaks into song:
Del
(Cont')
Oh! If I was a rich man...
Rodney and Del
Yoo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo... All day long I'd...
doo doo.
Del suddenly stops, panic written all over his face.
Del
Hold on, hold on! Ah, we're
in Spain!
Rodney
I know.
Del
And we're foreigners!
Rodney
So?
Del
Well, there might be some,
some Spanish law saying
foreigners can't pick up
Spanish kitties!
Cassandra
Then why did the man sell you
the tickets if he knew you
couldn't win?
Del
To earn himself more commis-
sion.
Rodney
Oh no! Come on, Del, not even
you would...
Rodney then realises Del would.
Del
Eh?
Rodney
My God, they've got a rule!
Del
Yeah!
Rodney
I just know they've got a
rule!
Del
Mr Perkins - Alan.
Perkins
Oh, there you are! I've
been looking for you every-
where! I've just heard the
marvelous news. Congrat-
ulations!
Del
Yes, yes, thanks. I wonder
if you would sort of,
double-check that for us,
would you?
Perkins
Of course, pleasure. Yes,
no doubt this is the
winning ticket. If you
like I'll ring the regional
office of the lottery
organizers and stake your
claim.
Del
I was a little bit worried,
we were worried about us
being foreigners.
Perkins
How do you mean?
Cassandra
Well, is there a rule that
says non-nationals aren't
allowed to win the lottery?
Perkins
I don't believe so. We sell
tickets here in reception to
guests from all over Europe.
Rodney
Well, can you check the rules
for us?
Del
Yeah, look, they're on the
back there somewhere.
They're all written in
Spanish or someinck! Yeah.
Perkins
Yes, of course. No... No...
That's okay... Ah! It says,
"Non-citizens of Spain must
present their passport and
any necessary visa
documentation with their
winning ticket when making
a claim". You've just won a
million pesetas!
Del and Rodney
Ay! Wow! Ooohhh! Do be do be
do be do...
Perkins
Oh dear!
Del
Do do...
Perkins
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Del
Something wrong, Alan?
Perkins
I don't quite know how to
break the news. I'm afraid
you can't claim a penny of
this money, Mr Trotter.
Rodney
But we've got the winning
ticket!
Del
Yeah!
Cassandra
We've checked these numbers
a hundred times!
Del
Yeah, you just double-
checked it yourself!
Perkins
Yes, the numbers are correct.
It is the winning ticket,
alright. The problem is it's
got Rodney's name on it. You
see, under Spanish law
nobody under the age of 18
is allowed to gamble.
Del
Yeah, but look at him. They'd
never guess he was under age.
Perkins
That's what we've been saying
all week! But Rodney would
have to present his passport.
I've seen it myself and it
states quite clearly that he
was born in 1975...
Del
He wasn't...Look, he's not...
I mean... I don't believe
this is happening to me.
Perkins
I can imagine how you feel,
Mr Trotter. I'm as disap-
pointed as you.
Del
I bet you're not pal!
Perkins
I'm sorry. I'm so dreadfully
sorry.
Perkins exits.
Rodney
You berk.
Del
All is not lost Rodders.
We'll simply tell them the
truth.
Cassandra
I don't think that's a good
idea Del. By telling the
truth, you would be pleading
guilty to forging an
official document, Rodney
would be pleading to enter-
ing the country illegally
and I'd have a hard time
proving I wasn't an accessory
before the fact. They'd all
carry custodial sentences.
Del
What?
Rodney
We'd all go down the Kermit!
Del
There's gotta be a way...
There's gotta be a way.
Del has an idea. He begins to smile.
Rodney
Oh no! What are you gonna do?
Del produces a biro pen.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You're not gonna have another
go at my passport! It'll look
like a kindergarten scribbl-
ing pad by the time you've
finished!
Del
Not the passport, Rodney, the
ticket. I'm gonna change
'Rodney' to 'Del'.
Rodney
How the hell can you change
Rodney to... Oh God!
Cassandra
Bloody hell!
(To Rodney)
Sorry.
Rodney
S'alright.
NB. The ending of this original draft differs from the
original transmitted programme.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
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