EXT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. FILM.
There is a sign that reads: "The One Eleven Club.
Licensed Gaming Premises. Members Only."
In the car park between the Mercedes and the Porches,
etc, we see Del's three-wheeled van.
INT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
All similarities to the Richardson's' 'Two Eleven
Club' are purely coincidental. Unlike Monte Carlo the
emphasis here is on card games and one-armed bandits
as opposed to roulette. Also the only people wearing
evening suits, save for Del, are the bouncers who
all look as if they have just finished government
training schemes to become jury-nobblers.
The clientele is varied. We have the obvious heavies
in their two and three-piece traditional suits - the
slightly younger set with their Glenn Hoddle hair-
cuts and strong contingent from the 'Greenpeace'
section of the yardies. The women reflect their
men's tastes which are usually hot and spicy and
come in tin foil containers. There are more breasts
and thighs on show than on Sainsbury's poultry
counter.
The decor is chandeliers, crystal-effect table lamps,
etc and the furnishings are similar, Georgian chairs,
a chaise longue or two.
As with any licensed gaming premises the members
play with plastic chips. We have the large main '
playing area' (of which we will see little - just a
glimpse of a card game or whatever is necessary to
give the atmosphere of a gaming club).
We come on a card table where Del is sitting. He is
wearing his evening suit and satin bow tie. During
his conversation with Trigger, the croupier deals him
two cards.
Trigger approaches. He wears his 'best clothes' (as
per Christmas special). He sits next to Del.
Trigger
Alright, Del Boy?
Del
Wotcher, Trig.
Trigger
No Dave?
Del
Yeah, he's coming down later.
He's bringing that bird of
his - what's her name...
Cassandra.
Trigger
He's going a bit serious,
ain't he?
Del
No, birds always blow him out
after a couple of weeks! That
boy's been blown out more
times than a windsock. Trig,
don't look now, but you see
the bloke at the bar? Don't
look!
Arnie, who is in his late forties, is standing at the
bar laughing and joking with the barman. He is
smartly dressed and speaks with a middle-of-the-road
accent - it's neither refined nor rough - it's the
kind of accent the manager of your local B&Q would
have. Arnie is a friendly and genuine kind of person,
a 'solid bloke'. He has a gentle and generous nature
and seems relaxed and at one with the world. He's the
kind of bloke that anyone would get along with and
trust.
Trigger
Who, Arnie?
Del
Yeah, Arnie. D'you know much
about him?
Trigger
No, not a lot. He only moved
to the area a few weeks ago.
He seems a nice bloke
though. He's a retired
jewellery dealer, ain't he?
Del
Yeah, that's what he told
me. He's retired early,
though, ain't he?
Trigger
Perhaps he made enough, Del.
Why, you lining something
up, then?
Del
I dunno, Trig. It's just
that I've been having a few
drinks and chats with him
over the last couple of
weeks and he let slip that
even though he retired he
still likes to do a bit of
private business, all cash
and confidentiality, to
keep the old tax man off
his back. So I thought I
might give him a shove, see
what I can pick up.
Trigger
I heard your firm was broke.
Del
I'm a businessman, Trigger.
I've always got a little bit
pugged away for emergencies.
Anyway, who told you we was
broke?
Trigger
Dave.
Del
Ah, you don't want to take
any notice of him. He's
only my financial advisor.
What does he know about
it?
(Referring to his
two cards)
Cor, look at these cards,
Trig. I'm not doing very well.
Trigger produces two cards from his top pocket.
Trigger
D'you want these?
Del
Trigger!
Trigger exits.
Del
(Cont'd)
That's me.
Arnie
How're you doing?
Del
Oh, hello, Arnie. Didn't spot
you there.
Arnie
I've only been here about
five minutes.
Del
Oh.
Arnie
Most of that time spent
talking to that doorman. Otto
or whatever his name is.
Del
Yeah? What's up with him
then?
Arnie
Ah, nothing. It's just,
y'know, I'm not a member, so
I usually drop him a few
quid to get in. Tonight the
price has suddenly gone up
30 per cent. Still, it's
only money, isn't it?
Del
That's right. Listen; if you
get yourself a membership
form I'll second you if you
like.
Arnie
Will you really?
Del
Yeah.
Arnie
That's very nice of you, Del.
Del
That's alright.
Arnie
I'd stick on that if I were
you. If you pay nineteens
you're laughing.
Del
No, that's not my style,
Arnie, not my style. 'He who
dares, wins.'
Del places another chip. The croupier deals him another
card.
Del looks at it then places his cards on table.
Del
(To Arnie)
Fancy a drink?
Del and Arnie move towards bar.
Holding the door open for guests is Otto. Otto is a big,
burly thug type dressed in an evening suit.
A couple are entering. The man is in his mid-fifties and
looks like a crooked businessman rather than a heavy.
The woman is 25 and brassy.
Man
Evening, Otto.
Otto takes their coats.
Otto
Evening, Mr Grayson. How's
business?
Man
Well, I've just gone into
voluntary liquidation again.
Otto
Oh congratulations, sir.
Man
Thank you, Otto.
The man slips Otto a note.
Otto
Best of luck tonight, Mr
Grayson.
He throws their coats on chair.
Now Rodney and Cassandra enter. Rodney is wearing his
best clothes.
Rodney
Evening, Otto.
Rodney and Cassandra pass Otto, who now reaches out
and grabs Rodney by the back of his shirt collar and
hauls him back.
Cassandra hasn't noticed this and walks on.
Rodney
Cassandra, I'm just going to
have a word with the doorman.
Cassandra turns and is horrified to see Rodney's
predicament. Rodney eases himself gently free of Otto's
grip.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Is there a problem, Otto?
Otto
Members only.
Rodney
I am a member.
Otto
Where's your membership card?
Rodney
(Patting his
pockets)
Er... I appear to have left
it at home.
Otto
If you give me 20 quid, I'll
let you in free!
Rodney
Come on! I am a member, I've
been a member for about five
years or so.
We now se Trigger passing through the foyer.
Otto
I 'm afraid I shall have to
ask you to leave, sir.
Otto gestures to the outside pavement with a sweep of
his hand.
Otto
(Cont'd)
Where would you like to land?
Rodney
Come on, what's the prob...
Trigger
Oh it's alright, Otto, he's
Del Boy's brother.
Otto
Is that right?
Rodney
Yeah, honest.
Otto
Oh in that case, have a nice
evening, sir.
Rodney
He's a laugh, old Otto!
Always larking about.
Del and Arnie are seated at bar. Del drinks something
exotic while Arnie drinks mineral water. Arnie is just
telling Del the punch line to a joke.
Arnie
So the gravedigger says to
the vicar, 'Well, I've got to
have somewhere to park me
bike!'
They both roar with laughter.
Del now spots Rodney and Cassandra entering.
Del
Listen, I'll see you in a
minute, Arnie.
Del moves to join Rodney and Cassandra taking his drink
with him.
Rodney
Oh Cassandra, this is my
brother, Derek, and Del, this
is Cassandra.
Del
Hello, Cassandra, very
pleased to ,meet you.
Rodney's told me all about
you - but don't worry, I'm
not the type to shout about
it.
Cassandra
That's very kind of you,
Derek. Rodney's told me all
about you as well, although I
must admit I didn't believe
him - until now.
Del grins.
Del
(To Rodney)
I like her!
Rodney
Yeah. Well, shall we sit down,
Cass?
Del
Can I get you a drink, sweet-
heart?
Cassandra
Just a coke and ice, please,
I'm driving.
Del
Right OK. Rodney you?
Rodney
Non-alcoholic lager top,
please.
Del
I'll bring it to the table.
INT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Arnie and Trigger are talking at a table. Del, Rodney
and Cassandra are at another table.
Del
Alright yeah, yeah. So what
line of work you in,
Cassandra?
Cassandra
I work for a bank.
Del
Oh really? Do they do loans?
Rodney
Why don't you leave Cassandra
alone?
Del
I'm only being polite.
Cassandra
They do arrange loans -
according to status of course.
Rodney
Well that leaves you out
then, don't it?
Cassandra
I don't actually work on that
side of things. I'm in over-
seas investment.
Rodney
Del does a bit of that.
Albanian watches, Turkish
raincoats, that sort of thing.
Del
Would you like me to go and
tell Otto what you called him
just now? Rodney tells me
your dad's in business.
Cassandra
Yes, he's got his own print-
ing workshop.
Del
Oh yeah? What sort is that,
family business, left to him
sort of?
Cassandra
No, there was no silver
spoon involved. He used to
live on a council estate
around this area.
Del
Oh really? Perhaps I know
him.
Rodney
(Dreading that
being true)
Oh God!
Del
What's his name?
Cassandra
Parry. Alan Parry.
Del
Parry... Alan Parry. Yes,
little fella, one blue eye,
one brown, talks with a
squint, walks with a stutter.
Cassandra
That's him!
Del and Cassandra laugh. Rodney doesn't want to laugh
- he's frightened it might encourage Del - but he
forces a polite smile.
Del
That's him! Listen, I'm gonna
leave you two lovebirds. And
just remember, Cassandra,
Rodney tells me everything!
Cassandra
Thanks for the warning.
Del moves across to Trigger and Arnie.
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
I'm sorry about him, Cass.
Cassandra
Why are you apologizing? I
think he's lovely.
Rodney
What - Del?
Cassandra
Yes. He makes me laugh!
Rodney
Well, yeah, I suppose he's
alright. At times.
We cut away to Del, Trigger and Arnie.
Trigger
Well, I'd better make a move.
Gotta be up early for work
in the morning. I'll be glad
when I'm retired like you,
Arnie.
Arnie
Yeah, you can't beat it,
Trigger. Drag yourself out of
bed about 11 o'clock just in
time to relax for the rest of
the day.
Del
You retired a bit early
though, didn't you, Arnie? I
thought you jewellery dealers
were making so much bunce you
carried on 'til you dropped.
Arnie
Yeah, that's exactly what
happened.
Del
Eh?
Arnie
Keeled over on the floor one
day. Ticker trouble, stress
of business. Doctors gave me
six months to live.
Del and Trigger look at each other. It's that awful
moment we all dread - being confronted by someone else's
illness. Neither of them can think of the right thing
to say.
Del
Oh yeah? Well, yeah.
Trigger
Well, you don't wanna take
too much notice of these
doctors, Arnie. They'll say
anything to get rid of you.
Arnie
This was private.
Del
No, you take that Georgie
Collis. They only gave him
six months to live. He was
gutted, weren't he, Trig?
Trigger
Well, upset.
Del
Yeah, then they discovered,
of course, that they'd only
mixed up his records with
another bloke's.
Trigger
(To Del)
Yeah, but the other bloke
only had three months to
live!
Del
Yeah, I know, I know that
Trig, that's not the point,
though, is it? I was just
trying to say to Arnie that
these doctors can make
mistakes.
Arnie
No, you don't understand. The
doctors said I didn't have
long to go unless I changed
my lifestyle. That's exactly
what I did... gave up all the
boozing and fags. Started
doing all the little things I
hadn't done for years, like
walking, breathing some
decent air. Have you any idea
of the kind of damage that
alcohol and nicotine does to
your heart?
Del has the straw from his exotic cocktail to his lips.
His cigar is in evidence. He reacts to Arnie's last
words and places the glass on table and the cigar in
the ashtray.
Rodney
(Calls)
Same again, Del?
Del
No thanks, Bruv, I'll just
have a mineral water.
Rodney
Arnie?
Arnie
Mineral water for me too,
son.
Trigger
No, nothing for me, Dave. I'm
off.
(To Del and
Arnie)
I'll see you around, then.
Del and Arnie say their goodbyes and Trigger exits.
Del
Yeah, see you, Trig.
Arnie
But the most important thing
I ever did, Derek - the one
thing that changed my life
was getting out of the
business. Getting away from
all that stress. I mean you
might not believe this, I
used to be taut!
Del
Really? What was you learning
then?
Arnie
Tight, nervous tension!
Del
Oh... taut. Oh you mean...
right... oh yes.
Arnie
Got away from all that now.
Got me little house, got me
wife Pat, lovely caring
woman, got me boys, Gary and
young Steven.
Croupier
Thirty-three black.
Arnie
What more could a man ask
for?
(Now sending him-
self up, sings)
'And I think to myself, what
a wonderful world.'
They both laugh at this. Del kills the laugh half way
through. Rodney delivers drinks.
Del
Cheers, bruv. But you still
do a bit, though, don't you?
Arnie
Well, occasionally - with the
right sort of person. Well,
basically I'm just getting
rid of stuff I've been left
with.
Del
Oh right, well you don't
forget you know, I am a
trader.
Arnie
Interested in jewellery, are
you?
Del
I'm interested in anything,
Arnie. So long as it's not
cursed.
Arnie
And you don't mind if it's
arrived on the market via an
unorthodox route?
Del
No of course not. I do under-
stand that some things have a
tendency to, you know, float
out of factory windows. I
mean, that's just mother
nature innit eh?
Arnie
Are you in a hurry?
Del
No, got all the time in the
world, Arnie.
Arnie
You meet me in the back of
the car park in an hour's
time.
Del
Yeah, cushty!
Arnie
Won't be long.
Del is delighted with this turn of events - he rubs his
hands together.
Del
Lovely Jubbly!
EXT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB CAR PARK. NIGHT. FILM.
We have a car park. In between the Mercedes and Porches
stands the three-wheeled van.
Del is standing outside smoking a cigar and checking his
watch as he waits for Arnie to return.
Now Rodney and Cassandra exit.
Cassandra
Well, good night, Del. Lovely
meeting you.
Del
And you too, sweetheart. And
don't forget, I won't say a
word.
Cassandra
Thank you.
Rodney
I'll see you in a little
while.
Rodney and Cassandra walk across to her BMW. She opens
the door and climbs into the driver's seat. Rodney is
about to climb into the passenger seat.
Del
(Calls)
Oi, Rodney, where do you
think you're going?
Rodney
(Calls)
Cassandra's giving me a lift
home.
Del
(Calls to
Cassandra)
Ah, it's alright. Don't
bother yourself, sweetheart.
We've got the van here.
Rodney
(Reacts)
I don't believe him!
(To Cassandra
through open
door)
Excuse me one moment, while I
go and kill him.
Rodney storms back to Del.
Rodney
What d'you think you're play-
ing at, Derek?
Del
I told you I've got a deal
going down here in a little
while.
Rodney
Yeah, and I told you I don't
want nothing to do with it.
Del
I know you did, but I gotta
meet that Arnie over the
back of the car park there,
where it's nice and dark!
Now I have only just
recently met the geezer so
I don't know what I'll be
walking into, so I would
appreciate a bit of back-
up, alright?
Rodney
Yeah, but I wanted to say
good night to Cassandra.
Del
Go on, then say good night,
and get back here a bit
lively!
Rodney
(Frustrated)
No, I meant... Oh bloody
'ell! Oh give me a minute.
Rodney walks back to the BMW and climbs into the
passenger seat.
Cassandra
What's happening?
Rodney
I'm gonna drive Del home.
He's drunk.
Cassandra
Drunk? He doesn't look drunk.
Rodney
No, I know. It's a bad sign
for him. He hides it well,
you see. But I tell you, you
could push him over with one
little finger he'd fall flat
on his face. I've lived with
his problem since I was a
little kid.
Cassandra
How sad.
Rodney
Yeah, I know, it's tragic.
(Now bright
and breezy)
Still, never mind, eh?
Rodney leans across and they kiss a long passionate
kiss.
Del
(Mumbles to
himself)
Blimey, let the poor girl up
for air, Rodney.
The kiss continues. Now Cassandra's eyes open wide.
Cassandra
Hands Rodney!
Rodney
Sorry.. D'you fancy coming
out for a meal on Thursday?
Cassandra
I thought I'd told you I'm
on a week's training course.
Rodney
Yeah, but you must be able
to get a few hours off.
Cassandra
Well, yes, if you fancy fly-
ing off to Guernsey. I'd
love to have dinner with
you.
Rodney
Guernsey? You gotta go all
the way over to Guernsey?
Cassandra
Yes. I did ask Guernsey if
it would like to come to me,
but it refused point-blank!
Rodney
Why do you have to go to
Guernsey?
Cassandra
Because - God! Watch my lips
closely. Because that is
where the training course is
being held! Have you got
some problem with this?
Rodney
No, it's just that it's
Guernsey.
Cassandra
Is there something I should
know Rodney? Did you and
Guernsey have some kind of
relationship once?
Rodney
I've heard about these
company training courses.
They're just an excuse for
loads of people to hold an
orgy.
Cassandra
Really?
Rodney
Please be serious for one
moment, Cassandra.
Cassandra
Look, Rodney, if what you've
heard is true and all these
perfectly staid and boring
people suddenly hurl them-
selves into a pit of carnal
abandon, it doesn't mean I
have to join in, does it?
Rodney
No, I suppose not.
Cassandra
There's no 'suppose' about it.
Rodney
No, I'm sorry. You're right.
Cassandra
'Course I'm right. I mean,
I'll take my whip, just in
case!
They smile at each other. They are looking into each
other's eyes.
Rodney
I'll phone you.
Cassandra
I'll phone you as well.
Rodney
Better make sure we don't
phone at the same time,
otherwise we'll both be
engaged.
Rodney searches for courage to say his next line.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
I love you.
Cassandra
Do you?
Rodney just nods. We see a trace of smoke drift across
his face.
Cassandra
And I...
She coughs.
Rodney now coughs. Del is leaning on the car, his
elbow on roof. The smoke is coming from his cigar
which is close to the slightly open window.
Del
Come on, Rodney, he's here.
Rodney sighs, annoyed and frustrated at his brother's
intervention.
Rodney
Don't have a nice time, will
you?
Cassandra
I'll try not to.
They kiss quickly and Rodney alights. Cassandra starts
the engine and with a toot of the horn drives off into
the night.
Del and Rodney walk together towards the Jaguar.
Del
What were you doing with that
girl?
Rodney
I was saying good night.
Del
Saying good night! She had
her head in your mouth at
one point!
Rodney
You mean you was watching?
Del
I couldn't help myself. Last
time I saw anything like
that it was at the circus.
Rodney goes to reply but starts coughing again.
Del
What's up?
Rodney
I've got a tickle in me
throat.
Del
You've most probably got her
wig stuck in it!
They now hear the car, a late model Jaguar XJ6 and Arnie
is in the driver's seat. He presses the electric window
down.
Del
Alright?
Arnie
Hop in the back.
Del
Go on Rodney, get in the back.
Rodney climbs into the back, followed by Del.
Arnie
Sorry I'm a bit late.
Del
That's alright, Arnie. No
problem.
On the passenger seat next to Arnie we see an executive
style briefcase. Arnie hands it into the back to Del.
Arnie
Open that.
Del opens the case. Inside we see a large piece of
folded felt. Del unfolds it to reveal 250 gold chains.
Del
Jeez!
Rodney
What'd you do, mug Mr T?
Arnie
There's 250 chains there.
Eighteen carat gold. Now if
it was to go to some poncy
Bond Street shop - you know
the sort, with plenty of mark
up - they'd want 200 quid
each for those. That's fifty
thousand pound sitting there.
Del
Fifty grand! Here, wait a
minute. This ain't the result
of some raid, is it?
Arnie
No, no. Nothing like that. No,
no. Look, six months ago a
client of mine asked me if I
could get hold of these sort
of things for him for the
right price. Do you know Maxi
Stavros?
Del
No, I don't.
Arnie
Oh you're lucky. Well, he's a
nice enough guy, 'til it
comes to money - then he gets
nasty. Anyway, we agreed on a
price and he was gonna pay me
25 grand.
Del
Bloody hell!
Arnie
He's got all these contacts
in the States, you see; this
sort of thing sells very well
over there. It's the English
hallmarks, the Yanks love all
that. Anyway, I acquired the
goods and I haven't heard
from him since.
Rodney
You could sue for breach of
contract.
Del
Listen to it, will you?
Arnie
No, son, there's no contract
between friends. It's a
man's word, handshake, a
gentleman's agreement.
Anyway, Mr Stavros is not
the sort of man you'd want
to sue. No, he's never let
me down before so I suppose
he's got troubles. But
then, so have I. I can't
wait any longer. I'm gonna
have to let these go at
half the wholesale price.
That's 50 quid each.
Del
So, what's the catch? I mean,
you mentioned an unorthodox
route.
Arnie
I didn't pay the VAT. I
assumed that they were for
retail outside the European
Union and therefore would
not be liable for VAT. Now
I'm lumbered with 'em. So
what d'you reckon? You
still interested?
Del
Well, yeah, yeah, I'm inter-
ested, yeah. Well, yeah,
I'll take two.
Arnie
Two?
Del
Oh alright, three.
Arnie
No, I'm not running a corner
shop, Del. I'm a dealer. I
buy and sell jewellery in
bulk. The whole lot or none
at all.
Del realising that this is big time is embarrassed by
his own small thinking.
Del
Yeah, no, no, no, I know
that, no, it's just that I
meant I'll take two or
three as samples to show my
clients, you know?
Arnie
Yeah, twelve and a half
grand in cash and they're
all yours.
Del
Yeah, well, I don't think
I've got that sort of money
on me at the moment, Arnie.
Arnie
I can wait. Look, you sell
those round the pubs and
clubs, the worst you do is
double your money.
Del
I'll take 'em.
Rodney
(Horrified)
Twelve and an 'arf thousand
p...
Rodney reacts as he feels a sharp kick in the shin.
Del
Subject to a surveyor's
report, of course.
Arnie
Oh, of course.
Del
OK, then listen. D'you know
the Nag's Head in Peckham?
Arnie
I'll find it.
Del
Right, well, I'll see you
there tomorrow at one o'
clock.
Del hands back the briefcase and chains.
Arnie
OK.
Del
Take care of 'em won't you?
Del and Rodney alight from car, Rodney now has a slight
limp. Arnie pulls away.
Rodney
You kicked me!
Del
Yes, that's because you've
got a big mouth, Rodney. You
nearly gave Arnie the
impression that we were
small time. If I can just
pull this off, Rodney, I
will double my investment.
Rodney
Del, where you gonna get
twelve and 'arf thousand
pound?
Del
Well, there's Boycie, he's
got a load of money, likes a
gamble. Mike down the Nag's
Head, he knows a bargain when
he sees one. I'll put
together a little consortium!
Rodney
What, you mean just hand the
whole deal over to them?
Del
No, no, no. I've got some
money to put in.
Rodney
No, Del. Don't you remember
what I told you the other
day? Our partnership is
virtually broke.
Del
No, Rodney, our partnership
is potless. What I mean is
I've got some money to put
in.
Rodney
You... How much?
Del
(Sheepishly)
Oh, it's only about four
grand Rodders, that's all.
Rodney
Four thousand pounds?
Del
It's my nest egg.
Rodney
That's more like a bleedin'
ostrich egg! Where did you
get that from?
Del
It's just been money I've
been saving up over the
years. Little bit here,
little bit there, y'know.
It soon builds up.
Rodney
You conning git!
Rodney walks away. Del follows.
Del
Eh? No, no, you could have
done the same thing.
Rodney
Don't talk to me.
Del
No, you could have done. No,
you could. Mum said to me on
her deathbed, she said, 'Del
Boy...'
Rodney
Shut up!
Del
No, she did. She said, "You
make sure that Rodney puts
a shilling a week away and
he'll never go wrong." But
you wouldn't have none of it.
Rodney
Not listening!
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Albert is seated at the table counting some money (a
few fivers, tenners and coins).
Rodney, wearing his camouflage jacket, enters from
hall. He is in a rather melancholy mood after seeing
Cassandra off.
Albert
You're back early. I thought
you'd still be at the
airport.
Rodney
No, her plane got off on
time. Where's Del?
Albert
Well, him and Arnie and the
rest of the consortium have
gone down the jeweler’s to
have them chains examined.
Rodney
The rest of the consortium!
How many's in it?
Albert
Well, there's Del, there's
Trigger, there's... there's
Mike, there's that feller
Boycie and - there's me. Of
course, there could be more
by now.
Rodney
What's he playing at? He's
gone a bit public, ain't he?
Albert
He's got to raise the money
somehow. A chance to double
your money doesn't come
round too often. I've just
been down the post office
and got my savings out. Pity
you weren't interested,
Rodney. You could have made
yourself a nice few bob.
Rodney
Well, yeah, I suppose I
could have, but the thing,
is, you see, them chains are
part of a VAT rip-off, ain't
they?
Albert
I know, that's why they're so
cheap! Do you want a cuppa
tea, son?
Rodney
No, I don't want nothing.
Albert
What's wrong?
Rodney
Nothing. Everything's fine.
Albert
Look, you got her hotel
number, give her a call.
Rodney
No way! She was supposed to
call me at 12.30 and look,
12.37. No, she's probably
having a drink and a laugh
with all them yuppy sorts
from the bank.
Albert
She might be in bed, Rodney.
Rodney
Eh?
Albert
I mean, sleeping off the jet
lag.
Rodney
Jet lag? She's only gone to
Guernsey!
Del enters. He is wearing his best-of-business clothes.
Albert
So what the jeweler say?
Del
They're pucca, Unc. They are
the real McCoy! Solid gold,
18-carat. Top-class workman-
ship, just like Arnie said.
Oh, we'll double our money
on these, have no fear. Very
shrewd move of yours,
Rodney, you know, not to get
involved in this deal.
Rodney
Shut up!
Boycie enters. He is dressed in a particularly lairy
way. He wears a three-piece cream suit, a brown shirt
with some kind of pattern with a multi-coloured tie.
He has a pair of sunglasses either hanging from his
breast pocket or stuck on top of his head.
Boycie is followed by Arnie who has the briefcase
chained to his wrist and Mike and Trigger.
Del
Alright gentlemen? Would you
like a celebration drink?
Boycie
I think we should discuss
the matter in private before
we celebrate. I don't like
being premature.
Trigger
No, Marlene said something
about that the other day.
Boycie reacts.
Del
I hope you don't mind, Arnie,
but I and the consortium
would like to have a little
board meeting.
Arnie
No, no, of course not.
Rodney
Well, perhaps you'd like to
wait in reception.
Del glares at Rodney's sarcasm.
Del
Help yourself to some tea.
There's plenty of egg
mayonnaise and tomatoes in
the fridge.
Arnie
No, that's OK, thanks very
much.
Arnie moves towards the kitchen with the briefcase.
Boycie
I think I would prefer it if
the gold stayed in the room
with us!
Del
I don't believe him! I'm
sorry about this Arnie.
Arnie
I'm not blaming you, Derek.
I'd like to keep an eye on
it as well, Mr Boyce.
Arnie takes a key from his pocket and unlocks the wrist-
cuff. He places the briefcase on the floor and leaning
against the door jamb so that half the case is in
kitchen and the other half in lounge.
Arnie
(Cont'd)
So if I leave it here, then
we can both see it. Alright?
Boycie
Perfect.
Arnie
Thank you.
Arnie exits to kitchen.
Del
(To Boycie)
What is the matter with you?
You're giving Arnie the
impression you don't trust
him!
Boycie
And he wouldn't be far wrong,
would he? I don't even know
the man.
Trigger
He seems a decent enough
fella to me, Boycie.
Del
That's right, that's right!
He's a solid bloke, right, I
can vouch for him.
Mike
Well he's played it straight
down the line with us. He
said those chains were worth
25k and we've just had it
confirmed by an independent
jeweler. So what more
d'you want?
Boycie
I want to know how he can
afford to sell 'em at 50 per
cent less than their whole-
sale price.
Mike
'Cos he bought 'em a long
time ago when the price of
gold was down.
Del
Plus he didn't bother to tell
those very nice people down
at the VAT office.
Boycie
Alright, here's my seven grand.
Boycie lays a wad of 50 pound notes onto the table.
Del lays a bundle on top.
Del
There's my four. Come on,
then, Michael, let's see you.
Mike
A thousand.
Mike lays his notes on top of the pile.
Del
That's it! Good, come on.
Trigger
I've bin a bit strapped
recently, Del. I could only
get two hundred and seventy
-four pound fifty. My aunt
Reen had to pawn her
necklace for that.
Del
Yes, alright, Trig, don't
worry, don't worry, mate.
We'll double your money for
you. Come on, Albert, d'you
go down the post office?
Albert
I didn't get as much as I
thought, son. I only got a
hundred and eighty-nine
pound and 26 new pee.
Del
Oh I thought you said that
you had over 200-odd quid.
Albert
I know. I miscalculated the
interest.
Boycie has been working the figures out on a calculator.
Boycie
That means that we are thirty
six pounds and twenty-four
pence short of the target.
Rodney approaches with the confident tone of the great
decision-maker.
Rodney
Not any more you're not! You
can count me in!
Rodney places some notes and some coins onto the table.
Del
Oh! Thank God for the Great
Gatsby here! Oh Arnie,
Arnie, come on, the board
meeting's over.
Arnie
And have you reached an
executive decision?
Del
Yes, yes, we have, the deal
is on!
Arnie
What a relief! Couldn't stand
any more of that tea!
Del
Yes.
Arnie picks up the briefcase, places it on the table
and opens it.
Arnie
This, gentlemen, is yours!
Del
And here is the old doh ray
me.
Arnie picks up the various bundles of notes. He scrapes
the coins into his hands.
Arnie
Oh look at that, isn't that
sweet? It reminds me of
holidays in County Donegal.
Del
Oh, is that a paddy tenpence
piece? Oh, I'll change that
for you.
Arnie
Oh don't worry. I won't bother
counting. I trust you.
Del
That's right, good. Well,
we've all got to learn to
trust each other, Arnie. Don't
worry about Boycie. He's just
got his funny little ways.
You ask his missus!
Arnie
Oh that reminds me. Do you
mind if I phone the wife?
Del
Yeah, sure, no problem, no
problem. Here, I'll get the
phone for you. 'Ere, what
about that drink, then,
chaps? Celebration drink,
eh? You're staying aren't
you, Arnie?
Arnie
Yeah, a quick one, Del.
Mineral water - something
like that.
Del
Leave it to me. Rodney,
there's some beers in the
fridge.
Rodney exits to kitchen.
Boycie
Well, seeing as how it's a
special occasion I think
I'll have a drop of that
port.
Mike
Yeah, same here, Del.
Trigger
I'll wait for Dave to come
back with the beers.
Del hands a drink to Boycie, then one to Mike.
Rodney enters with some cans of beer.
Arnie
Pat? Yeah, it's me, love...
yeah. No, I don't know what
time I'll be back. Soon as
I can drag myself away from
this bunch of toerags.
It's now all light and jovial - the chaps, now including
Arnie, having a drink and a laugh.
Del
Don't wait up for him, Pat,
he's probably on a ghoster.
Arnie
(Laughing, hand
over mouthpiece)
Shut up! She'll think I'm
back on the booze. So how's
things at home love?
Arnie reacts. It's as if the blood has drained from his
body.
Arnie
(Cont'd)
What? When?...
The laughter slowly stops.
Arnie
(Cont'd)
You mean he's here in London?
No, I can't meet him, no! No,
love, I haven't got them any
more! Pat, I would not joke
about a thing as serious as
this. I've just this minute
sold them to Del and his
consortium. But I don't care
how much money he's got...
No, I am not getting
excited! Alright, look, I
will meet him... And I will
explain the situation,
alright? Alright, I'll talk
to you soon love.
Trigger
Everything alright, Arnie?
Arnie
You know that client of mine
I told you about?
Del
Yeah, what, that Mr Stavros or
whatever?
Arnie
Yeah. He's in London, he's
just phoned my house. He wants
to meet me for lunch.
Rodney
You mean he's come to pick up
the chains?
Arnie
Yes. Ironic innit? He's got 25
grand in cash to give me and
I've just let 'em go for 12
and a half!
Boycie
What's all this about, then?
Del
Well, about six months ago
Arnie made a deal on these
chains with some
international jeweler mush.
Mike
So they weren't yours to sell
in the first place?
Arnie
No, no, they belonged to me.
No, Mr Stavros never actually
gave me any money for them,
so in the eyes of the law
they were still legally mine.
But he's an odd sort of
person. Once you've shaken
hands on the deal, as far as
he's concerned they're his
property, and now he's come
to collect.
Rodney
And he is given to bouts of
mindless violence, ain't he?
Arnie
Very, very nasty.
Boycie
Let him. If he wants a war,
we'll give him one! Won't
we?
Rodney
Eh?
Albert
I don't like the sound of
that!
Mike
Oh don't worry, Albert,
there won't be many naval
engagements in this one.
Rodney
Well, look. Why don't we sell
the chains back to Arnie -
with a small profit, of
course.
Boycie
Are you off your trolley?
Trigger
We'll still be making a bit
each, Boycie.
Boycie
We can double our money on
these things!
Rodney
Yeah, but Stavros is gonna
give Arnie a bad time, ain't
he?
Boycie
I don't care if he redecor-
ates Regent Street with Arnie!
This is business! No, I have
every sympathy for Arnie's
predicament, but at the end
of the day it's a bit like
Mike's pub grub - tough!
Del
I don't believe you sometimes.
I just don't believe you. You
call yourself a businessman?
You're missing the most
important point of the whole
situation! A man has arrived
in London to buy 250 18-carat
gold chains from Arnie here.
He is willing to pay twenty
five thousand pounds, with
cash on the hip. Poor old
Arnie doesn't have them any
more - we have!
Now a smile begins cracking across Boycie's face,
followed by Mike and Rodney and then Albert. They all
see the plan except for one.
Trigger
So what you saying, Del?
Del
Blimey! Give me a piece of
chalk, somebody, will ya?
What I'm trying to say is:
why don't we ask Arnie to
keep his lunch appointment
with this man, and sell them
chains for us? For which we
will give Arnie a couple of
grand for his trouble?
Rodney
That way Stavros gets the
goods at the agreed price.
Del
Arnie gets a deuce in bunce,
plus he keeps his kneecaps
where nature intended.
Mike
And our consortium gets ten
and an 'arf grand profit for
doing sod all!
Del
Everyone's a winner! Apres
moi, le deluge.
Trigger
I like the sound of that, Del
Boy.
Arnie
That is brilliant, Derek,
brilliant. Thank you!
Boycie
(Grudgingly)
Yeah, it's not a bad idea,
Del.
Del
(Closing lid on
the briefcase)
So, where is this, where is
this restaurant of yours?
Arnie
It's an Italian place off
the King's Road. I'd better
get my skates on.
Boycie
I think it would be a good
idea if we came with you,
don't you, Arnie?
Del
Yeah, he's right. I mean, you
don't wanna go walking across
the estate with a case full
of gold, do you? Not on your
own, anyway.
Arnie
Fair enough. Well, let's get
going. We haven't got long.
Boycie
(To Trigger)
'Ere, Trig, don't let him out
of your sight.
Boycie, Mike and Trigger exit.
Del
Go on, go on. Oi, come on,
Albert, get that down ya and
get in the van.
Del and Albert exit to hall.
Rodney holds back and looks appealingly at the telephone.
Rodney
(Quietly to
himself)
Oh come on, Cassandra, ring!
Well, I ain't phoning you, if
that's what you think. I'm a
man.
INT/EXT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
This is an up-market Chelsea restaurant. It is lunchtime
and therefore quite crowded with smartly dressed
couples, businessmen, etc. Arnie enters with the brief-
case containing the gold chained to his wrist. The head
waiter, Mario, approaches.
Mario
May I help you, sir?
Arnie
I'm expecting to meet Mr
Stavros here. I wonder if
he's booked a table?
Mario
(Checking the
reservation book)
Mr Stavros.
At this point we see Del and Boycie enter.
Mario
(Cont'd)
Yes, he has booked a table.
I'm afraid the gentleman
hasn't arrived yet. Would
you care to wait at the
table?
Arnie
Yes.
Mario, in Italian, tells
another waiter to take
Arnie to his table.
Mario
Portare il signore.
A look is shared between Arnie and Del and Boycie.
Arnie follows the waiter towards the table.
Mario
(Cont'd)
Yes, gentlemen?
Del
A table for two, please.
Mario
Have you booked?
Boycie
No, we haven't.
Mario
I'm afraid we are very crowd-
ed at the moment.
Del
This might make a bit of room.
Del pushes a few notes in the waiter's top pocket.
Mario
Of course, grazie! Enrico...
In Italian, Mario tells another waiter to show Del and
Boycie to a table. Arnie is arriving at his window
table. At this point he is standing. He now sits out
of frame and we see that he was masking the three-
wheeled van which is parked opposite and to the right.
We pan to the left to see Mike and Trigger sitting in
Mike's car.
We now see Del and Boycie at their table and both
facing in Arnie's direction.
Del
(Quietly to
Boycie)
Why didn't you sit that side?
Boycie
'Cos I wouldn't be able to
see Arnie then. Why, what's
the matter?
Del
It's just we're both sitting
on the same side. Sort of
next to each other...
Boycie
So?
Del
So it might look a bit funny.
Boycie
What d'you mean?
Del
People might think that
we're a bit funny.
Boycie
Why don't you go and sit on
the other side then?
Del
'Cos I wanna keep me eye on
Arnie, don't I?
Boycie
So do I!
Del
Yes, I now. But it's my
consortium!
Boycie
I put most of the money in!
Del
But it was my idea!
They now realise that because of the secret whisper-
ing, they have actually managed to draw attention to
themselves.
Boycie gestures towards entrance door, where a burly
Greek-looking man of about 50 enters.
Behind him is a younger and bigger Greek-looking man
(as if he's a minder). Del reacts to the size of them.
Mario now leads the men towards Arnie's window table.
As they approach Arnie looks up from his menu, but at
the last second Mario directs them to the seat next to
Arnie where two business-type men are seated.
Del now becomes aware that Boycie has his hand on Del's
hand.
Mario
Nice to see you again, sir.
Del
Get your hand off mine!
Boycie
Eh?
Del
I said, 'Get your hand off
mine!' They'll think we're a
couple of woofters or
something!
Boycie
They can think what they
like! I've got seven grand
sitting up there and that's
all I'm concerned with!
Del
But we mustn't draw
attention to ourselves!
We've got to appear to be
perfectly pukka people,
right? So don't do anything
that'll make us look
different.
Boycie
Alright.
Mario
Would you care to order now
gentlemen?
Del and Boycie
I'm not hungry.
We cut to Mike and Trigger seated in the escort.
Trigger
Do you reckon it'll turn
violent in there?
Mike
I don't care if it does!
Trigger
No?
Mike
No, this is a fast car.
Albert
What's he doing, Rodney?
Rodney
What do you mean, what's he
doing? You can see what he's
doing! He's sitting in the
window there reading a menu!
Albert
It's a bit suspicious, innit?
Rodney
What? A bloke sitting in a
restaurant reading a menu -
yeah, very iffy!
Albert
I mean the other mush not
turning up yet.
Rodney
He's most probably got held
up somewhere.
Albert
Yeah? Where?
Rodney
How the hell should I know
where? Look, shuddup will
you? Hold on, he's moving.
Arnie is beckoning to the waiter.
Arnie
Could you get me a glass of
water, please. I feel
rather hot.
Waiter
Yes, sir.
Arnie begins breathing more heavily - as if fighting
for breath. He becomes consumed with panic. He holds
his chest and sways unsteadily on his chair. Mario
arrives.
Mario
Would you care to order now,
sir?
Arnie
Yes, I'd like an ambulance.
Mario
An ambulance, sir?
Arnie
Yes, I'm not very well, An
ambulance, quickly.
Mario
Yes, sir!
(Calling to Waiter
in Italian)
Telefono per una ambulanza,
presto! Are you alright,
sir?
Del and Boycie are frozen to their seats as they look
on helplessly.
Arnie now stands uneasily and he collapses slowly to
the floor.
Boycie
What's happened?
Del
It's Arnie! He's had a connery!
Boycie
So, what are we gonna do?
Del
I don't know! I think you are
supposed to sort of pump
their chests.
Boycie
I'm talking about our bloody
money and chains!
Del
Well, there's nothing we can
do at the moment, is there?
Boycie
My money and my gold ain't
going to no national health
hospital! The entire kitchen
staff'll be off to Miami if
it does!
Del
What you gonna do?
Boycie
Watch!
(Moving towards
the crowd)
Don't panic! I am a doctor.
Boycie is the most unlikely looking doctor imaginable,
with his wide-awake suit, multi-coloured tie and
sunglasses hanging from his breast pocket.
Boycie begins pushing himself through the crowd.
Boycie
Stand aside, stand aside. Let
the dog see the rabbit. Oh
yes, very nasty. He needs an
operation!
Boycie now fiddles with handcuff device but cannot re-
lease it. He starts searching Arnie's pockets.
Woman
He's not a doctor! He's mug-
ging the poor man!
Boycie
No, madam, I am trying to
relieve the pressure on the
wrist.
The younger-looking and larger of the two Greek-looking
men steps forward, draws his fist back, he punches
Boycie who crashes backwards and knocks a table flying.
Boycie, with a small smear of blood on his nose, starts
to pull himself up from the floor, but as he attempts
to stand, the woman in the crowd steps forward and
raises her handbag. She brings the handbag crashing
down on Boycie's head. He falls back on the floor.
Mike and Trigger look at each other incredulously.
Woman
Call the police!
Mario
Yes, madam, of course.
Del
(To himself)
Oh no, not the police.
Alright, there'll be no need.
I am an officer of the law!
Del strides through the crowd.
Woman
(To young
Greek)
I thought they were taller
than that.
Del
I'm a small town policeman.
Del now drags Boycie up and puts an arm lock around him.
He forces Boycie's face against the window.
Albert
(To Rodney)
Do you get the impression all
is not going according to
plan?
Boycie
What are you playing at?
Del
Just keep it shut and we
might get out of here with
our collars intact.
(To Boycie)
OK, sunshine, you are
nicked! Come on, out you go!
(To woman in
restaurant)
Rest assured, madam, when we
get him down the police
station we'll give him a
bloody good hiding. Alright
you, out!
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
Del and Boycie exit as the ambulance screeches to a halt
outside the restaurant.
They now run across to the van where Mike and Trigger
are now standing.
Mike
What happened?
Del
Arnie's had a connery.
Albert
You mean he's dead?
Del
No, no, he's still alive. The
ambulance got here just in
time.
Trigger
So where's the money and the
gold?
Boycie
Where do you think it is?
It's in Arnie's holdall! Why
did you make us leave the
restaurant?
Del
Because they've just called
the Old Bill. Arnie's got
seven and 'arf grand of your
unlaundered money. Plus a
case full of gold from a VAT
fraud! Do you want to tell
the police that it's really
yours?
Boycie
Why didn't you try and get
the case off his wrist?
Del
God bless me gently! You
tried that - didn't you? -
and you got a punch in the
nose and a whack over your
head for your trouble.
What do you think I am, a
wally or something?
Rodney
Sow how we gonna get it
back?
Del
It's alright. We'll go to
the hospital. All we gotta
do is find out what time
the visiting hours are.
It'll be cushty!
We now see the ambulancemen carrying Arnie out on a
stretcher. He is covered with a blanket and is
unconscious. The briefcase is still chained to his
wrist and is placed on top of his body.
They carry him to the back of the ambulance. One of
the ambulancemen stays in the back, the other
closes the doors and rushes to the cab.
Rodney
We don't know which hospital
they're taking him to.
Del
We'll follow 'em. Mike, your
car's pretty nippy. You do
the following.
Mike
Right, mate.
We see a council truck and a couple of workers putting
clamps over the wheels of Mike's car.
Mike
I don't believe it, I've just
been clamped!
Del
Rodney, follow that ambulance!
Rodney climbs into driver's seat and starts the engine.
Del indicates the back door to the others. They move to
back. Del reaches out to handle of back door only to
find it racing away from him in a cloud of exhaust
fumes.
The van races away in pursuit, leaving the rest of the
consortium standing on the pavement.
Del
What a plonker!
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Boycie is dabbling his injured nose with a damp cloth.
At this point his nose should have turned to a sore red
colour. Del paces the room puffing on a cigar. Mike and
Trigger are seated and worrying.
Mike
Right, I'm gonna make a
couple of phone calls, Del.
Del
Leave that phone alone,
Michael. No one touches it.
Mike
I've just been clamped! I've
got get the authorities,
sort it all out.
Del
Look, I'm expecting a very
important phone call any
minute now from Rodney or
Arnie at the hospital. You
just sort your car out
tomorrow.
Boycie
What's good for a broke nose?
Trigger
A baseball bat, knuckleduster.
Boycie
I mean, my nose might be
broken!
Del
Will you shut up going on
about your hooter? Or I'll
ram this up for a splint!
Del brandishes a metal pin at Boycie. Rodney enters.
Del
(Cont'd)
Alright Rodders? What's
happened?
Rodney
We followed the ambulance
down to St Stephen's Hospital.
Del
St Stephen's Hospital. Right,
now we know where to visit.
Albert
No, that's where we lost 'em!
Boycie
You lost 'em?
Rodney
Yep, they just went straight
down the Fulham Road.
Del
Oh Gordon Blue! I mean, how
could you possibly lose an
ambulance! It's a ruddy great
big white thing with a
flashing blue light on the
top! And in case your peepers
ain't too clever, it's
fitted with an air-raid
siren!
Rodney
It can also go straight
through red lights!
Albert
He tried his best Del, but by
the time the lights had
changed, the ambulance was
miles away.
Boycie
So what we going to do now
eh? All our money and our
gold is lying in some
matron's office.
Del
It's alright, Boycie, don't
worry. Listen, we'll...we'll
phone every hospital and ask
if he's there.
Mike
No, no, no. Hospitals won't
give you that sort of
information over the phone.
Del
Alright. Well, we'll drive
round them all, then!
Trigger
Well, that's gonna take for-
ever. There must be 25
hospitals in London.
Rodney
Oh thank Gawd for the Tory
Party, otherwise there could
have been 30!
The phone begins ringing.
Del
Albert, answer that! If that
is Rodney's girlfriend, tell
her to phone back later!
Albert answers the phone.
Del
(Cont'd)
Look, it doesn't matter how
long it takes as long as we
find him, does it? We can
share the hospitals out. I
mean, we've all got cars.
Mike
I ain't, mine's been clamped!
Del
Shuddup whinging, Mike.
Albert
Del, it's some Indian doctor
from Arnie's ward!
Del
Well, tell him I haven't got
time to talk to him now, I'm
trying to find out...
Boycie
Get on that phone!
Mike
Don't let him ring off!
Del
Ssshhh!! Hel... hello doctor.
Yes, this is he. Arnie...
yes, Arnold! Yes... Oh yes,
I knew the deceased very
well... we... deceased? Do
you mean to say that he is
dead?
Rodney
Oh I love him! I just love
him!
Del
Yes, it has, it's come as a
very nasty shock. Yes of
course I'll do anything I
can to help his widow...
Well yes, she's bound to be
a bit distraught.
(To the others)
Arnies' passed on.
Boycie
What about our loot?
Del
Doctor, I was just wondering.
Arnie had about his person a
couple of little keepsakes
of mine. I wondered if you
had found them...It's 250
18-carat gold chains and
twelve thousand five hundred
pounds in used notes. His
widow has taken all his
belongings? Yes, do you
happen to know where she
lives? Yes, I am a friend of
the family but they moved
recently, you see... But in
case his widow don't get in
touch with me about funeral
arrangements. I know you're
not supposed to give out
addresses to any Tom, Dick
or Harry but this is
different... Doctor, look,
I'll give you a good drink!
No... Hang on! He's rung
off!
Boycie
Did he give you her address?
Del
He couldn't tell me, it's
confidential!
Boycie
How are we going to find her,
then?
Del
I don't know yet!
Rodney
I... I could go down to the
town hall and find his name
on the electoral list.
Del
Well done, Rodders, that's
good thinking.
Trigger
No! He only moved here
recently from Lambeth. He
wouldn't be on the list yet.
Del
You dipstick!
Rodney
Well, alright, I'll go down
to Lambeth Town Hall, then.
Del
Well done Rodney! Go on, go
to Lambeth.
Rodney
Right. Arnold what?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
What's his surname?
Del
Dunno. I never caught his
surname! Well, does it
matter?
Rodney
Well, of course it matters!
They're not gonna be down
on the electoral list as
'Arnie and Pat' are they?
Boycie
This is something else!
Mike
What about the One Eleven
Club! They'll have his full
name and address on his
membership form!
Rodney
Yes, yes.
Del
No, no. He wasn't a member.
He used to drop the doorman a
few quid to get in.
Boycie
We could go to the coroner's
office and check the list of
recent post mortems.
Trigger
They wouldn't do a post
mortem on someone with a
history of heart trouble.
Mike
He had a history of ticker
trouble?
Del
They said he'd be alright if
he stuck to the right diet.
Rodney
And to be fair, he didn't
have nothing to eat in the
restaurant!
Boycie
God in heaven, what has he
done to us? He's pulled us
into a twelve and a half
thousand pound deal with a
geezer who's been shown the
yellow card!
Del
We'll be alright if we can
trace his widow.
Albert
I've got an idea.
They all stop and look at Albert before continuing with
their argument.
Albert
The phone!
Rodney
Oh God! He's hearing things
now!
Albert
Arnie was the last one to
dial out on this phone! He
called his wife. At their
house, remember?
Boycie
So what?
Albert
This phone's gotta redial
button. If you press that
you'll get straight through
to Arnie's house.
Del just looks at Albert. And then takes his head and
kisses him on the forehead before pressing the button.
Del
(Listening)
Right, right.
Mike
How we gonna explain it to
her eh? It looks a bit bad
turning up just before the
funeral laying claim to most
of his estate!
Boycie
No, it's alright. Arnie told
her that he'd sold the
chains to Del. So they'll be
no problem!
Del
Ssshhh! Wait a minute! Sshh!
Hello? Hello, hello? I'm
awfully sorry to bother you
in your hour of darkness, but
I was a friend of Arnie's and
I was just wondering...
sorry? Oh, oh sorry, sorry.
Beg your pardon. Sorry to
have bothered you. Bye!
Strange, innit? I've just got
through to the Highcliffe
ruddy Hotel, Guernsey!
Rodney
Aaargh! Sorry, Del Boy. Look,
I only called to see whether
Cassandra got there safely.
(Pointing to
Albert)
He told me to do it.
Boycie
And that's it, innit? We've
done our money and it's
vanished into thin air!
Del
Boycie!
Boycie
I am going to see if I can
buy myself a little doll that
looks something like you. And
then I'm going to burn it!
Del
Chin up! Boycie! We'll find a
way.
Mike
I am going to get my car un-
clamped, Del. Thanks for
everything.
Del
You're giving in Michael. You
mustn't give in. Remember
what Churchill said, you
know, he said up the Alamo!
I'm sorry, Trig, that your
aunt Reen had to pawn her
necklace. Shall I give her a
ring and explain?
Trigger
Oh no, don't do that, Del.
She doesn't know she's
pawned it yet!
Del
So how's the weather in
Guernsey?
Rodney
(Cheerfully)
Oh, she said it was... It's
pissing down Del.
EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT/INT. VAN. DAY. FILM.
We see the Trotters' van with Rodney driving and
Cassandra in passenger seat driving away from airport.
Rodney
So how was it?
Cassandra
The hotel was horrible, the
weather was lousy, the food
was rotten and the people
were boring.
Rodney
Oh good.
Cassandra
And you were right. Some of
them did hold an orgy.
Rodney
You're kidding?
Cassandra
No, honestly. I stayed for
about an hour and then I got
fed up.
She laughs then leans across and kisses his neck.
Rodney
No, no Cassandra, not while
I'm driving.
BUSY LONDON STREETS. INT. VAN. DAY. FILM.
Cassandra
How was your week?
Rodney
Okay, a business contact
dropped dead, another one was
beaten up in a restaurant and
then we were on the brink of
making a fortune and ended up
losing everything. Average
sort of week really.
Cassandra
Well, as long as you kept
yourself busy, that's the
main thing. Oh God, I hate
this sort of thing...
The car in front has pulled up because an ambulance is
parked outside a classy Chinese restaurant and is
blocking the way.
The same two ambulancemen as before exit from restaurant
with Arnie on stretcher. He has the blanket over him
and the briefcase chained to his waist.
Cassandra
What's the matter, Rodney?
You look like you've seen a
ghost.
INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
We see Del and Trigger seated at table and in deep
conversation. Del explaining.
Del
He done us in South-East
London. Rodney saw him in
South-West London. He's doing
it all over town!
Trigger
Yeah... You'd think he'd be
taking things easy in his
condition, wouldn't you?
Del
No, Trig... God help us!
There's nothing wrong with
him. I mean, he's not a sick
man, is he? I mean, he's a
conman!
Trigger
So you don't reckon he's
really ill?
Del
That is what I suspect.
Trigger
But that night in the club
he looked a bit sick.
Del
Yeah, but he was talking to
you, weren't he?
We see Denzil has entered. He is wearing his lorry-
driver's clothes.
Denzil
Alright, fellas?
Del
Oh hiya, Denzil.
Denzil
Can I get you a drink?
Trigger
Er, no, I'm alright.
Del
Yeah, same here.
Denzil
Can I get you one? Can I join
you?
Del
No, it's a bit awkward at the
moment, Denzil, you know. We
are in conference.
Denzil
What?
Del
We're in conference.
Trigger
I thought we was having a
chat.
Del
This is a conference.
Denzil
Listen, Del, I haven't got
long. I've got the truck
outside. I'm off to Germany
tonight. I've got a
consignment to bring back.
Del
Oh well, that's alright, then,
Denzil. Go on, have a nice
trip.
Denzil
Are you ill or something? I've
just said I'm going to Germany
and I will be bringing a load
back and you haven't even
asked what it is!
Del
Yes, I know, Denzil. But I'm a
bit busy at the moment,
y'know. I'll talk to you
later.
Denzil
Oh well, see you do. I might
have a deal for you.
Del
Yeah, alright, mate. See you
in a minute.
Denzil
Boycie, eh? Got time for a
chat?
Boycie
Some other time, Denzil. Some
other time.
Denzil shrugs and moves to bar. As he does so Mike
appears.
Denzil
Wotcha Mike...
Mike
See the barmaid, Denzil. I'm
busy.
Denzil
Rodney, how you doing?
Rodney
Yeah, bit tied up at the
moment, Denzil. I'll talk to
you later, alright?
Denzil reacts. He smells his armpits.
Denzil
Rodney, why are people ignor-
ing me? What have I done to
them?
Rodney
Nothing, nothing. It's just
there's a bit of heavy stuff
going down at the moment.
D'you know what I mean? Oh by
the way, Denzil, this is
Cassandra, my...
Cassandra
Choose your words carefully,
Rodney.
Rodney
My friend. And Cassandra,
this is Denzil.
Cassandra
Nice to meet you.
Denzil
You too.
Rodney
Right. Well, I'll leave you
two to have a little chat,
then. See you later.
We cut away to the conference table.
Del
Come on, hurry up, sit down,
Rodney. Sit down.
Mike
But I was under the
impression that Arnie was a
good family man. I mean, all
he ever spoke of was his
wife, Gary and young Steven.
Del
Yes, I know, and I'm under
the impression that Gary and
young Steven are about six
foot tall and they like to
dress up as ambulance men.
Boycie
What, you mean it's their
ambulance? No, can't be, Del.
Remember when Arnie come
over bad in the restaurant?
It was the staff that phoned
for an ambulance.
Del
Yeah, and didn't it arrive
quick?
Boycie
Yeah! Come to mention it, it
was a bit lively.'
Del
I phoned that restaurant this
afternoon and the manager
told me that minutes after
Arnie's ambulance arrived,
another one turned up. The
real one.
Rodney
We reckon they do it with
split-second timing, right.
At one o'clock Arnie does
his dying swan act. And at
three minutes past one his
boys turn up in their
ambulance, then it's off
into the wild blue yonder.
Del
No one's gonna question a
couple of medical orderlies,
are they? Carrying a sick
man out of a restaurant?
Mike
And no one can follow the
ambulance because -
Mike/Del/Rodney
It goes through red lights!
Boycie
And you can pick up these old
ambulances anywhere.
Del
I know, it's beautiful, innit?
Trigger
So what's Mr Stavros got to
do with it all?
Del
Mr Stavros don't exist, Trig.
Trigger
Well, Arnie seemed to know
him pretty well.
Del
No, he only did that. He
invented him, didn't he? Just
to get us on the... Explain
it to him will you Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah you see...Oh it's too
boring, tell him Mike...
Mike
Forget it Trig.
Boycie
It doesn't help me get my
money back. I'm still
convalescing from open wallet
surgery.
Del
At least we know that Arnie
and the dough are still out
there somewhere. It puts us
in with half a chance. I put
the word out that I am
interested in buying some
gold chains.
Denzil approaches the table on his way out.
Denzil
I'll see you fellas, I'm off.
Consortium
Yeah, see you, Denzil.
Denzil
Nice talking to you,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
You too, Denzil. Safe trip.
Del
I bring this meeting to a
conclusion, gentlemen. All I
can say is: just keep your
ears to the ground, right?
Trig, that just means listen
out; it doesn't mean get on
your hands and knees... Come
on, Rodney, let's go. See
you, chaps.
Del and Rodney make their way to Cassandra's table.
Mike
See you, Del.
Rodney
Sorry to leave you talking to
a total stranger.
Cassandra
Don't worry, Rodney. Even
strangers can be fun - I
found that out in Guernsey.
She smiles.
Del
Look at his face, now look,
look, he looks as though he's
sucked on a lemon! Anyway,
that Denzil's a nice bloke,
though, ain't he?
Cassandra
He was charming. And he
actually sat down and spoke
to me...
Rodney
I'm sorry, I just had things
to do..
Cassandra
He left a message. He heard
that you were interested in
buying some gold chains.
Del
Oh not more gold-plated
Mickey Mouse gear.
Cassandra
Apparently on of his
brothers, Carl is it?
Del
Yeah, lives over in Bethnal
Green.
Cassandra
Apparently he's met some guy
in a casino, a retired
jeweler or something, who's
got 200 and...
Del
Fifty!
Cassandra
Yes, 250 gold chains for sale
and Denzil and his brothers
are buying them.
Del
Where is Denzil?
Cassandra
He's just left.
Del opens door and calls out into the night.
Del
Denzil, don't buy them!
Rodney
No, you're gonna have to shout
louder than that, Del. He's
half way to Germany!
Del
(Shouting louder)
Denzil, don't buy 'em!
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
We see a smartly-dressed Denzil and his brother Carl
seated at a table sipping a lager each. They have
menus in their hands but they are not looking at them.
Their attention is centered firmly on someone sitting
near the window.
Arnie is seated at a window table. He is smartly
dressed and has the briefcase chained to his wrist.
EXT. SIDE ROAD/JUNCTION. DAY. FILM.
We see the ambulance parked.
One of the young ambulancemen from previous scams is
seated at driving wheel. The other is standing on
corner of junction before returning to the cab.
Gary
Can you see Dad?
Steven
Yeah, he's in position. About
another four minutes.
Gary
Right. And this time you make
the phone call. It's always
me who has to pretend to be
the hospital doctor. 'Did you
know the deceased very well'?
Steven
OK, I'll do it.
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
Denzil and Carl look at each other and react.
Arnie
I'm sorry, I'm not feeling
well. Could you get me an
ambulance?
EXT. INT INDIAN RESTAURANT/INT. AMBULANCE. DAY. FILM.
The ambulance is parked outside the Indian restaurant
with its back doors open.
We now see Arnie, eyes closed feigning unconscious-
ness, being carried out on a stretcher.
The siren sounds and the ambulance roars away leaving
a bewildered Denzil and Carl standing on the pavement.
Cut to interior of ambulance.
Arnie
Wonderful!
Arnie opens his eyes and reacts horrified. Arnie sees
the grinning faces of Del, Boycie and Mike. Del and
Boycie are wearing ambulancemen's uniforms.
Del
What's wrong, Arnie? You
don't look too well!
EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM.
Gary and Steven's ambulance is parked outside with
the back door open.
Gary and Steven, both rather worried by now, standing
outside the restaurant talking to one of the Indian
waiters.
Gary
What's up?
Indian Waiter
Ambulance come, he gone!
Gary and Steven look at each other wondering what the
hell's happening.
They are about to close the back doors when they find
Denzil, Carl and another of the brothers behind them.
Denzil
Wotcha fellas.
Steven
What's happening?
Denzil
We're going for a little ride.
Get in!
INT. DEL'S ABBULANCE. DAY. FILM.
Arnie
Now take it easy, fellers. I
can explain everything.
Mike
We're not looking for explan-
ations. It's all very clear.
Arnie
At least let's have a chat.
Boycie
Funnily enough, there was
one or 12 and 'arf thousand
things we wanted to talk
to you about.
Albert hands Del a large and vicious looking set of bolt
cutters.
Albert
Try this, Del Boy.
Del
Thank you, doctor.
Arnie
You don't need that to cut
the chain off. I've got the
key.
Del
Who said anything about cut-
ting the chain off?
Arnie reacts in a state of panic.
Del
(Cont'd)
Calm down, Arnie, calm down.
You'll give yourself a heart
attack!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.