EXT. DAY. THE MARKET.
Such is the temperature of today's sales items that Del
has discarded the trestle table and is using the
suitcase alone. As Del spiels, Rodney is standing behind
him on the very kerbstones keeping a very wary eye out.
Del is holding open a vinyl case which contains a
canteen of cutlery. The suitcase, which contains many
more of the cases, lies open on the pavement. A small
crowd has gathered.
Del
I mean, just look at the
quality! I mean, that's the
Titmus test innit, the
quality? These are and-made
from Indonesian steel.
They've got ivory-effect
handles and they come in a
genuine synthetic-leather
case.
We see Rodney surveying the area and doing his job well
for once.
Del
(Cont'd)
Now these canteens of
cutlery are a very exclusive
line. The only other places
you can buy 'em are Harrods,
Libertys and Pate's Multi-
Mart!
Now, as Rodney surveys the area, his attention is drawn
to something on the opposite side of the street. We cut
to see one of the smaller, aluminium framed stalls
containing paintings and sketches (all unframed). Seated
on a camp stool, and reading a book, we see Vicky. She
is in her early twenties, casually to scruffily dressed
but attractive, without being stunning. She looks up
from her book, scans the area for potential customers,
and then notices Rodney looking across at her. Rodney
smiles - just polite and friendly. Vicky returns the
smile and goes back to her book. Over these shots we can
hear Del's spiel continuing.
Del
(OOV)
Now look at this, what can't
speak can't lie. See that
price tag? What does it say?
I'll tell you what it says.
It says; 'Manufacturers'
recommended retail price,
forty two pounds, ninety
nine pence!'
We cut back to Del just as a man (middle-aged) starts
arguing with Del.
Man
You could have printed them
yourself!
Del
Do me a favour pal! Do I
look like Rupert Maxwell?
Now, I'm not asking you good
people...
Man
(Cutting in)
There are two Ms in
'recommended!'
Del
(Checking the
price)
This is the Indonesian spell-
ing, you plonker! Now I'm
not asking you for forty two
pounds, ninety-nine pence! I
ain't come here to stripe
you. I ain't even asking for
a score. If I said a tenner
you'd think you'd had a right
result.
We cut to Vicky. She looks up from her book, directly
across at Rodney and smiles. She returns to er book.
Rodney is stunned. The girl is actually showing out.
Over these shots Del's spiel continues.
Del
(OOV)
But I don't want a tenner!
Before I tell you my price,
I must warn anyone of an
excitable nature to move
along a bit lively.
We cut back to Del.
Del
(Cont'd)
A thirty six piece canteen
of hand-made cutlery,
normally priced at forty two
pounds, ninety nine pence -
to you, three pounds fifty!
Go'n, nick 'em off me!
Don't let me see 'em go, you
know it hurts!
The crowd do not share Del's enthusiasm. Rodney now
begins his move across to Vicky. Del as his back to
Rodney and so doesn't notice him eave. As Rodney moves
across street, we see (at least some) of the argument
Del has with the man in background.
Del
Come along ladies and
gentlemen, what d'you want,
jam on it?
Man
They can't be top quality,
they're too cheap!
Del
How can anything be too
cheap, you plonker?
Man
Listen, I'm not a plonker!
Del
No? So what you doing, an
impression?
Rodney is now at Vicky's stall. She looks up from her
book. In the background and OOV the argument continues
over.
Vicky
Hello.
Rodney
Hi. Your first day in the
market?
Vicky speaks with a softer, less grating, Sloane Ranger
accent.
Vicky
Hmm, first day.
Rodney
Thought I hadn't see you
here before.
Rodney examines some of the sketches. In background we
can hear:
Man
I bet we don't get a guaran-
tee with 'em!
Del
(OOV)
All you're gonna get is a
smack in the mooey me old
cocker! Now go and annoy
someone else for a month or
two!
Rodney
Is this all your own work?
Vicky
Yes, I'm afraid so!
Rodney
Oh no, no! They're very
good.
Vicky
D'you really think so? Oh
that's very sweet of you,
thank you.
Del
(OOV)
These are not just bargains,
they're investments! You
can't go wrong with knives
and forks!
Rodney
I'm an artist. I went away
to college, for a while.
Vicky is delighted to find a kindred spirit.
Vicky
Really? I was at the Chelsea
School of art for two years,
then I had a spell at the
Sorbonne. Where were you?
Rodney
Basingstoke.
Vicky
Basingstoke? I don't think
I've heard of it?
Rodney
It's a big town in Hampshire!
Vicky
I mean I haven't heard of
the Basingstoke College of
Art.
Rodney
Oh it's famous! Well, round
Basingstoke it is! By the
way, my name's Rodney.
Vicky
Victoria. Well, Vicky.
Cut back to Del, we see Trigger arriving with council dust
barrow and broom.
Del
Come along now ladies, make
the neighbours jealous. Only
the finest steel goes into
the making of this premier
cutlery.
Man
Yeah, but how do we know
that??
Del
(Removing a
knife)
Run your wrist gently down
the blade, you'll soon find
out!
Trigger
Alright Del Boy?
Del
Alright? I'd rather have
shingles than these knives
and forks. You can get rid
of shingles! How's things
with you, Trigger?
Trigger
Known it worse!
Del
(To Crowd)
Alright, I'll tell you what
I'll do for you, I'll let
'em go at three quid each.
Now you know it makes sense!
Trigger
Three quid? Here, I'll have
one of them Del!
Del pulls Trigger to one side.
Del
What d'you mean, you'll have
one?
Trigger
Well at three pounds they're
a bargain!
Del
Trigger, these are the ones
you sold me last week for a
nicker each!
Trigger
No, they ain't the same.
Trigger indicates the price tag which is at four pounds,
ninty-nine pence each.
Trigger
(Cont'd)
Mine don't have them on.
Del
I don't believe him! Look,
just hand around Trigger,
I'll go'n give Miss Dianna
a bell!
At this point Del notices a uniformed policeman. He has
not noticed Del yet, but he's getting too close for
comfort.
Del
(To Crowd)
Go on, away you all go
'fore you get your collars
felt!
The crowd disperse.
Del now spots Rodney on the opposite side of the street
chatting merrily to Vicky.
Del
(To Himself)
Look at that stupid little
dipstick!
Del quickly closes his case locked and is about to move
off away from the policeman. He reacts as we see a
uniformed police woman on the opposite side of Del. She
is giving directions to someone.
Del
(Cont'd)
I'm surrounded! I know how
Custer felt now! Listen, do
exactly as I say Trigger!
Cut to policeman. The sudden disappearance of the small
crowd has aroused his suspicions. He moves through the
shoppers towards Del and Trigger. As he arrives so Del
has his suitcase in hand and is wearing his dark glasses.
Trigger is talking to Del in a slow and deliberate
manner as if Del is foreign.
Trigger
You are looking for the
Hilton Hotel?
Del
Si! Heelton 'otel!
Trigger
Okay. Turn left at the top
of the road.
Del is aware of the policeman standing close by and ob-
serving it all with a knowing look.
Del
Si!
Trigger
And you'll see a bus stop!
Big red bus!
Del
Si!
Trigger
Get a 159 to Park Lane and
that is where the Hilton
Hotel is!
Del
Si! Danke schon. Bonjour.
Del moves off quickly following Trigger's direction.
Trigger
Don't get many tourists
round this way, eh officer?
PC
No. Especially tourists that
speak three different
languages - all at once!
Trigger just smiles at the PC.
We cut to Rodney and Vicky.
Rodney
So how's business? You sell-
ing much?
Vicky
Not a sausage, it's been
absolutely awful. I've only
hired the stall for one day,
just to see how it went. I
want to be a real working
artist. Someone who survives
by their own efforts. I find
it rather tiresome and
belittling to continually
live off allowances from
Daddy! D'you know what I
mean?
Rodney
Yes! I wouldn't worry too
much Vicky. You get good
days and bad days down the
market.
(Examining a
sketch)
Maybe I could be your very
first customer. How much is
this?
Vicky
That's fifty pounds.
Rodney
Oh...!
(Picking up
another one)
How about this?
Vicky
That's eighty five.
Rodney
I see! D'you mind if I give
you a word of advice Vicky?
You see, people round here
don't pay eighty five pounds
for a painting! People round
here don't pay eighty five
pounds for a car!
Vicky
Oh but surely, everyone has
paintings in their homes!
Rodney
Yeah, but these people
don't get their painting
from galleries and what
'ave you. They get 'em from
British Home Stores and
Prize Bingo! You've got the
wrong market Vicky. You
should try Portobello Road,
you might be in with a
shout then.
Vicky
Hmm, possibly you're right.
Oh well, nothing ventured,
eh? Would you be an
absolute love and help me
carry some of this back to
the car?
Rodney
I'd like to help Victoria,
but I'm afraid I'm very
busy. I'm working with my
bro...
(Seeing that Del
has gone)
Oh! He must have sold out
early and gone for a bit of
grub. Well in that case,
I'm at your service Miss.
Vicky
Oh, that's very sweet of
you. I'm sorry...?
Rodney
Rodney.
Trigger
(Calling across)
Wotchyer Dave.
Rodney
(To Vicky)
No. My name is Rodney, he's
just very thick!
Vicky
I see.
EXT. DAY. SIDE ROAD. LEADING OFF MARKET.
Rodney and Vicky, carrying all the paintings, sketches
etc. are walking along.
Vicky
What line of business are
you in, Rodney?
Rodney
I am a partner in a... in a
partnership. Me and my
brother. We buy and sell -
this and that.
Vicky
You don't specialise?
Rodney
Em - no!
Vicky
I envy you. It must be
wonderful to work in the
market every day. I find
it so stimulating. All the
hustle and bustle, and
those lovely, lovely
characters one meets. I
know they're not all
lovely! Did you spot that
noisy little person
selling the tatty cutlery?
Rodney
Yeah! That's my brother!
Vicky
Oh! I'm frightfully sorry!
When I said noisy I didn't
mean any...
Vicky
(Cutting in)
No that's alright. He is
noisy! He's always been
noisy! But he's as good as
gold really. I sort of,
look after him.
Vicky
Oh, I see. I have no
brothers or sisters.
Rodney
D'you want him?
Rodney
(Laughing)
No thank you. Well, here's
the old crate.
Rodney reacts. We see a gleaming car parked at the kerb.
Vicky opens the boot and they place the paintings etc.
inside.
Rodney
Nice car!
Vicky
It was a birthday present.
Rodney
Oh! I got a Nick Kershaw LP!
Right then, I'm gonna get
something to eat. See you
around Vicky.
Vicky
Where do you lunch?
Rodney
Lunch? Oh, I usually go
down to the Greasy Thumb.
Vicky
The Greasy Thumb?
Rodney
No, it's Sid's caff really,
we just call it the Greasy
Thumb. Out of affection.
Vicky
May I join you for lunch?
Rodney
You? In the Greasy Thumb?
Oh, I don't think you'd like
it Victoria! It's all steam
and bacteria - it's
'orrible!
Vicky
I get the feeling you're an
inverted snob, Rodney. Come
on, jump in. I'll chauffer
you down there.
Rodney climbs into the passenger seat.
Rodney
But you won't like it
Victoria! I don't even like
it and I'm a regular! Look,
there's a McDonalds round
the corner!
The car pulls away in a cloud of burning rubber.
INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE.
It is packed with market workers, building site labourers,
punks, skinheads, rastas etc. A jukebox is playing
loudly. The windows are steamed up. We see cigarette
smoke and hear all the sounds of a workman's cafe. The
sounds of a pinball machine, arguments and Sid calling
out for people to come and collect their meals and shout-
ing orders through a serving hatch to the kitchen.
The first shot is of Sid's hand holding a plate of
sausage, egg and baked beans. His thumb is in the bean
juice, as he hands the plate to customer we see the
greasy thumb print it leaves on the side of plate.
Sid is shouting for the customers to collect their order.
He has a cigarette still between his lips.
Sid
Sausage, egg, beans! Bacon,
egg and toms twice! Egg,
bubble and beans twice!
1st Man
(Cockney Labourer)
Egg and chips! Egg, sausage
and chips! Egg, sausage,
beans and chips!
Sid shouts through hatch as two plates containing pie
and chips, and pie, chips and peas are handed out to
him.
Sid
Egg and chips! Egg, sausage
and chips! Egg, sausage,
beans and chips!
(Now calling for
the customer to
collect)
Pie and chips! Pie, chips
and peas!
Rodney arrives at counter (He and Vicky are already seat-
ed in cafe).
Rodney
The egg, bubble and beans
twice.
Sid hands him the two plates.
Sid
There you go Rodney. Don't
forget your tea, son.
(Collects from
hatch; calls)
Two of dripping toast!
Bacon, egg and one slice!
Rodney returns to table cautiously winding his way
through some of the big labourers who are standing round
the one-armed bandit. Rodney holds both plates in one
hand and the two mugs of tea in the other.
Rodney
'Scuse me... Sorry... Thanks
a lot.
He arrives at table, places food and tea down and sits.
Seated next to Rodney and asleep on the table is an old
dosser.
Rodney
There you are, Vicky.
Vicky
Thank you. I think it's
lovely in here.
Rodney
Yeah, it's er, it's good
innit?
Vicky
Is this the bubble and
squeak?
Rodney
Yeah, that's the bubble.
Vicky
And what is it actually?
Rodney
It's sort of, em, greens
and, er, and sort of
potatoes, and you mix it
all up and, em, and fry it.
Vicky
(Tasting some)
Mmh! It's absolutely munchy!
During all this we hear in the background:
2nd Man
(OOV)
This machine's broke again
Sid!
Sid
(OOV)
If you don't keep tilting
the sodding thing it
wouldn't break, would it?
Burger, chips and peas!
Chicken, chips and beans.
(Etc)
Rodney
You're not from round
Peckham way, are you?
Vicky
No, I was born and raised
in Berkshire. I moved up to
London about three months
ago. Have you always lived
here?
Rodney
Yeah, always.
Vicky
I've been wanting to live
in London for ages.
Berkshire's so boring.
Boring Berkshire I call it.
She laughs loudly.
Rodney laughs politely and wonders what the hell she is
laughing at.
Vicky
(Cont'd)
I wanted to be near the art
galleries. I suppose you're
always in them?
Rodney
Well not really. Although I
went up to the National
Gallery a couple of weeks
back. I suddenly realised -
and I'm ashamed to admit
it - but in all the years
it's been housed there I'd
never actually seen the Da
Vinci cartoon.
Vicky
Well I'm ashamed to admit
it but I haven't seen it
either. What did you think
of it?
Rodney
Em, well actually they were
closed! But I'm gonna try
again.
Vicky
Why don't we go together?
Rodney
Yeah, cushty!
Vicky
Cushty?
Rodney
It means - wonderful,
t'riffic.
Vicky
Oh I see, how frightfully
Albert Square! So shall we
say tomorrow at noon?
Rodney
Tomorrow? I don't know if
I'll be able to get time
off work.
Vicky
I thought you said you were
a partner?
Rodney
Yeah, I am a partner but...
Yeah, alright then, I'll
give myself the day off!
Tomorrow at noon.
Vicky
Cushty! Do you like the
opera Rodney? Of course you
do, I can tell!
Rodney
Yeah!
Vicky
There's a new production of
Carmen opening at the Royal
Opera House next week. I've
tried everywhere to get
tickets but it's absolutely
impossible!
Rodney
Yeah, I couldn't get any
either. Vicky, I hope you
don't mind me saying this,
but I didn't think Peckham
would be your scene!
Vicky
Oh no, I absolutely adore
this area. It's all so
rough and raw and vibrant!
I saw a woman spit yester-
day! You see, I was brought
up in a tiny community in
the wilds of boring
Berkshire. My world was one
of nannies, live-in tutors,
gymkhanas and village
fetes. The first time I
left there was when I was
eleven, and that was only
to Roedean. Then I went off
to a Swiss finishing
school. Mine was a very
insular existence. I didn't
realise there was a real
world - until I decided to
make art my life. I suppose
that's why I like it round
here - it must be the
artist in me. My mother was
a painter. She had some of
her work exhibited at the
Royal Academy.
Rodney
(Very impressed)
No? Oh Mega! The Royal
Academy! Does she still
paint?
Vicky is obviously very saddened to speak of this.
Vicky
No.
Rodney
Have I said something
wrong?
Vicky
No. You see my mother died
when I was twelve. A skiing
accident in Austria.
Rodney
Oh, I'm very sorry Vicky! I
know how much it must have
hurt you!
Vicky
I doubt it Rodney.
Rodney
Oh, I know exactly how you
felt. The same thing
happened to me when I was
only five.
Vicky
Oh poor Rodney. How awful for
you!
(Squeezing his
hand)
Where was your mother
skiing?
Rodney
No - no, my mum weren't
skiing! All in all, accord-
ing to what the rest of the
family tell me, my mum
didn't do a lot of skiing!
She just had something
wrong with her, that's
all.'
Vicky
Oh I see... Sorry!
(Checks watch)
Lord, look at the time! I
must fly or otherwise they
start worrying.
Rodney
Who do?
Vicky
Special Branch.
Rodney
S... s... Sorry? Special
Branch?
Vicky
Oh, it's all incredibly
tedious! They protect us you
see. Well, Daddy mainly.
Rodney
Why, what is he, a super-
grass?
Vicky
(Laughing)
No! Silly! He's... oh it's
so boring! My father is the
Duke of Maylebury.
Rodney was about to eat some bubble'n'squeak. It falls
off the fork and onto his lap.
Rodney
The...The Duke of Maylebury?
Vicky
I told you it was boring.
Well, I must dash. See you
tomorrow at the National?
Rodney
(Weakly)
Yeah!
Vicky
Cushty! Ciao!
She exits.
Rodney remains seated and totally dumbfounded. He picks
up mug of tea and sips it. The old dosser wakes.
Dosser
Oi, that's my tea!
Rodney
(Still in a
trance)
Sorry...
(Reacting)
Eerghh - you dirty old bark.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is seated on the settee still wearing his market
clothes and his big Doc Martin boots. He is reading
Burke's Peerage. He looks up from book, stunned.
He now picks up a magazine (Country Life) and opens it
to a black and white picture. It is a photo of Princess
Anne at a horse trials. She wears riding gear and has a
number pinned to her. Standing next to her, also in
riding gear and number (but minus a riding hat) we see
Vicky. They are both smiling (posing) for camera.
Rodney puts the magazine down and stares blankly into
space. We now hear the front door open and hear Del's
and Albert's voices.
Albert
(OOV)
I don't know why you
couldn't of left it till
tomorrow!
Del
(OOV)
Will you give it a rest
Albert? You've done more
bleedin' whining than a
spin-dryer!
Albert enters, he is exhausted and wiping sweat from
his brow with a hankie.
Albert
Rodney's back Del Boy, some-
one must have paid the
ransom!
Del enters, he too is wiping sweat from his brow. He
gives Rodney a glare and then moves to the drinks
cabinet.
Rodney
What's up?
Albert
What's up? Where you been
all afternoon?
Rodney
I went down the library.
Albert
What for?
Rodney
See if me shoes were done!
What d'you think I went to
the library for? To get a
book!
Rodney holds up a book.
Del
Burke's? What is it - a
teach-yourself book?
Rodney
It is a genealogical and
heraldic history of the
British peerage!
Albert
Yeah, well while you've been
wasting yer time down the
library I've had to help Del
collect a consignment of
computers and stack 'em in
the garage!
Rodney
Well, a bit of hard work
won't hurt you Unc!
Del
And how the hell would you
know?
Rodney
I don't bel... Alright, so
I had this afternoon off,
is that such a big deal?
Del
I ain't concerned with this
afternoon Rodney. What I'd
like to know is what the
bleedin' hell were you doing
this morning?
Rodney
You know what I was doing
this morning! I was on look
-out in the market.
Del
Oh, you was on look-out
alright, but it weren't for
the Old Bill, was it! I
almost got a tug from the
local gendarmerie while you
were chatting that little
tart up!
Rodney
Well, I didn't see any
coppers!
Del
Of course you didn't 'cos
you had your nose buried
in her etchings! I've been
grafting all day long to
make us a few bob, and all
I've seen of you was a
fleeting glimpse as you
went into the landscape
department.
Rodney
(Maintaining his
pride)
Alright! Sorry! I'll pay
more attention in future!
Del
Make sure you do, otherwise
you'll be going down the
road!
Rodney
This might not be the right
time to ask, but can I have
tomorrow off?
Del
Can you...? I don't believe
you said that, Rodney!
Rodney
It's important Del! I've
gotta go somewhere. It
really is important -
honest!
Albert
You alright son?
Del
(Equally concerned)
Yeah, you gotta go to the
hospital or something?
Rodney
No. I have to go to the
National Art Gallery!
Albert
Oh, it's an emergency then?
Rodney
In certain respects, yes!
I'm an artist!
Albert
So was Hitler!
Rodney
Why don't you keep your nose
out of it, Albert?
Albert
It's none of my business
son! I'm saying nothing on
the matter! If Del don't
mind you taking the rise out
of him, that's fine by me!
I'll make some tea.
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney
Look - that girl who was
selling the paintings down
the market, Vicky, well
neither of us has ever seen
the Leonardo Da Vinci
cartoon!
Del
I've never seen the pyramids
but I don't have a day off
sick for it! Alright
Rodders, take Vicky, or
whatever her name is, up to
the National Gallery. And
while you're mooching
around discussing the brush
strokes and pretty colours,
you tell her that your big
brother ain't giving you no
wages this week!
Rodney
Oh come on Del, that ain't
fair!
Del
Ain't fair? Because of you
and your dopey paintings I
came within three yards of
a sudden summons this
morning! That ain't fair
Rodney!
Rodney
Well thanks a bunch! Thanks
a great big bunch Del! That
is - that is just cosmic!
I'm supposed to take her
out tomorrow and I'm pot-
less! It'll be right
embarrassing. Specially
with her coming from a
money background.
Del
(Reading the
newspaper)
It's a tough old world
innit...
(Without taking
his eyes from
newspaper)
What d'you mean, a money
background?
Rodney
Her old man's very wealthy.
Del
Why? What game's he in?
Rodney
I've gotta tell someone, Del.
But promise me this will go
no further?
Del
Righto, it's just between us.
Rodney
Have you ever heard of the
Duke of Maylebury?
Del
The Duke of...! Give over,
you twonk!
Rodney
It's the God's honest truth,
Del!
Del
No!
Rodney
Del, cross my heart and hope
to die in a cellarful of
rats! It's the truth!
Del
What that little girl...?
Her Daddy...?
Rodney
Honest, it's for real!
Del
Bloody hell!
Rodney
It's our secret, alright?
Del
Yeah, yeah, course it is!
Albert enters from the kitchen.
Del
D'you hear that, Albert?
Rodney reacts.
Del
(Cont'd)
D'you know that little sort
of Rodney's knocking around
with?
Albert
What about her?
Del
Her father - only owns a
pub!
Albert
Go'n, you're pulling my leg!
Del
No, he owns the Duke of
Maylebury. It's over
Nunhead Way, innit Rodney?
Rodney
No! No listen! He don't own
the Duke of Maylebury! He
is the Duke of Maylebury!
He's nobility! He's a peer
of the realm!
Del and Albert stare at him, now they both burst out
laughing.
Del
Leave it out Rodders! I've
seen a picture of the real
Duke of Maylebury in the
Sporting Life. He owns that
horse, Hansome Samson,
second favourite for next
year's Derby. That little
bird looks nothing like
him! She's no more nobility
than you!
Rodney shows them the photo from the Country Life maga-
zine.
Rodney
No? Have a look at that!
Del
I don't believe it! That's
the girl from the market!
Albert
Which one?
Del
Her there, with the long
hair. She's with Princess
Anne at a rodeo or some-
thing!
Rodney
(Referring to
Burke's)
They're in here as well. Her
father's sort of second
cousin to the Queen!
Del and Albert, mouths open in disbelief, just stare at
Rodney.
Rodney
Vicky's in here as well.
(Finds page)
Here are. Her full name is
'Lady Victoria Marsh
Hales'. Of child of Sir
Henry Marsham, K.G.B.
G.L.C. B.O. and Bar. Four-
teenth Duke of Maylebury!
Family home; Covington
House, Upper Stanameer,
Berkshire.
Del and Albert look at each other.
Del
(Angrily to
Rodney)
You ain't had a go at her,
have you?
Rodney
No, I ain't!
Del
Well, you keep your mucky
mitts off her! Otherwise
we'll have her mother
throwing royal perogatives
all over the shop!
Rodney
I doubt it, her mother died
nine years ago in a skiing
accident!
Albert
Alright then, answer me
this. If she is a titled
lady, what's she going out
with him for?
Rodney reacts offended
Del
Listen Albert, Rodney has
got a lot of qualities. She
might have been smitten by
his rakish charms and boyish
good looks! Then again she
might be a posh tart who
fancies a bit of scrag! You
never can tell. Tel Aviv as
the French say!
Rodney
Look, Vicky and I just
happen to relate to each
other well. We've got a lot
in common.
Albert
No, son, she's got a lot and
you're just common!
Rodney
He's giving me the right
'ump, Del!
Del
Hold on a minute! Albert
might have cracked it! I
think I know what this is
all about! Listen to me. It
is a well known fact that
every two or three hundred
years or so, the
aristocracy have to bring a
bit of common stock into
the family to water the old
blue blood down a bit.
Albert
(Indicating Rodney)
What, and they can't do
better than that? Do me a
favour!
Rodney
I'm gonna whack him right
round the ear'ole in a
minute!
Del
Well, why shouldn't it be
Rodney? I mean, Mark
Phillips was a commissioner!
Albert
But there's a common and
there's a common! Mark
Phillips was a wealthy man
and well known in the Royal
Courts. Rodney's polo mint
and well known in the
magistrates court!
Del
Well, I don't care what you
say. I reckon Lady Victoria
Marsham-Hales has been
instructed to sort herself
out an old man from the
lower classes. And Rodney's
in the frame! Rodney, ask
her to marry you!
Rodney
Mar... I don't wanna get
married!
Del
Listen to me you dipstick!
Don't you see what this
could lead to? Vicky is the
sole heiress to the
Maylebury fortunes! She's
got no brothers or sisters
and the old gel popped her
clogs half way down the
giant slalom! So when the
old duke finally says
bonsoir to this mortal
curl, she becomes the
Duchess! And you know what
that means
Rodney
What?
Del
Albert, I want you to
remember this moment. We
could be looking at - the
future Duke of Maylebury!
Del bows to Rodney.
We see Rodney lounging back in the armchair. He has a
roll-up between his lips. One foot is resting on the knee
of the other leg so we can see his big boots.
Albert
He don't look like a peer of
the realm!
Del
Not at the moment, no. But a
coronet, bit of ermine, get
rid of them boots and he'll
be a dead ringer!
Rodney
I don't want to be a Duke!
Del
Don't give me all that Tony
Benn cobblers! Think of all
the advantages! You'll be a
member of the House of
Lords!
Albert
Yeah... we'll be able to
watch you on the telly
having a kip.
Rodney
Del Boy, so far all I have
done is buy Victoria a
plate of egg and bubble at
Sid's cafe! That is hardly
the basis for a marriage
proposal!
Del
(Horrified)
You took one of the Queen's
relatives to the Greasy
Thumb? What is the matter
with you Rodney? The poor
little mare'll be up all
night with the thrupenny-
bits! Their palates are
different from ours. They
can't eat egg and bubble!
Rodney
Well Sid didn't have any
venison on the menu today!
I am not asking her to
marry me! In a few weeks I
might not even like her!
Del
I don't care if you chuck
up at the very sight of
her, Rodney!
Albert
Del ain't asking you to
like her - just marry her!
Get your plimsoles under
that old Chippendale and
you'll never look back!
You'll be a titled person.
Rodney
Dracula's a titled person!
Del
He's only a Count. Anyway,
he ain't real!
Rodney
I'm beginning to wonder if
you are! Del, Victoria and
I are like... Well, we're
more like mates than
anything! We have just one
mutual interest - art!
Other than that we're
worlds apart! I mean, she
wants us to go to places
like.. well, the opera.
Albert
Why, what's on?
Rodney
An opera!
Albert
I mean what opera?
Rodney
I don't know! Carmen or
something!
Del
That's one of my favourites.
(Singing)
Figara, Figaro, Figaro,
Figaro!
Rodney
Hear that Unc? He knows all
the words! Listen, I don't
know the first thing about
operas? And besides, it's
impossible to get tickets
for the opening night.
Del
If you want tickets for the
opening night, you shall
have tickets for the
opening night, Cinders.
Rodney
How?
Del
How'd you think? Limpy
Lionel the tout! He can get
tickets for anything!
Albert
Gonna cost, Del?
Del
What does money matter
compared with little
Rodney's happiness? When
you see that little tar...
her ladyship, tell her
you've got tickets for the
opening night! And it's
my treat Rodney.
Rodney
Oh cheers Del Boy! You're
a pal! You are a real
pal!
Del produces a wad of money.
Del
And I want you to pay for
her to get into that art
gallery tomorrow.
Rodney
No, art galleries are f...
cheers Del!
Rodney takes the money.
Del
Then I want you to take her
for a right slap up meal.
Steak, wine, the works. I
mean, don't get her Oliver
Twist or nothing! We don't
want a scandal!
Rodney takes the rest of the money.
Rodney
Leave it to me, Del.
Del
And when you see that
Leonardo Da Vinci cartoon -
you laugh!
Rodney
Why?
Albert
Let her know you get the
joke!
Rodney
Oh, of course!
(Counting the
money)
Well, don't you worry. I'll
be laughing alright! I'm
gonna whip down the pawn
shop and liberate me evening
suit. See you later.
Rodney exits through hall door.
Albert
Well, that's a turn up for
the book, Del! Young Rodney
marrying into the Royal
family. How d'you think the
Queen'll feel about it?
Del
Dunno really. I s'ppose when
she first hears the news
she'll be a bit gutted. But
once she meets him I think
she'll like him. I mean,
he's a nice boy. Friendly,
polite, respectful. He'll
have to knock them roll-ups
on the head. You can't waltz
round a garden party with a
packet of Green Rizla
sticking out of yer morning
suit!
Albert
Here, we might be able to
wangle ourselves a winter
cruise on the old Britannia!
Del
No Albert, No! We're not
gonna ponce off 'em! That
sort of thing causes family
rifts. And another thing,
let's not count our
chickens before we've
crossed 'em? I'm starting
to get a funny feeling.
Albert
What, something might go
wrong?
Del
If we leave it in Rodney's
hands it's a guarantee! He
ain't got a clue when it
comes to women! That bob's
been blown-out more times
than a wind-sock! Sometimes
you have to help Rodney to
help himself.
Albert
Yeah, but what can we do?
Del
We can help him to make the
right impression! That is
the most important thing -
the impression! He's gotta
prove that he appreciates
the finer things of life.
Show that he's au fait with
gracious living.
Albert surveys the debris of the flat.
Albert
How's he gonna do that?
Del shakes his head in a superior, smug way.
Del
This is where I come in!
Simply to add that element
of good breeding. A little
touch of refinement, a
sprinkle of sophistication!
(Checks watch)
Right, I'd better phone
Limpy Lionel and sort these
tickets out.
EXT. NIGHT. ONE OF THE LONDON BRIDGES.
The lights of the embankment and the reflection from the
river give us a sense of sophistication as we see a
sleek, chauffeur-driven limousine glide past. Seated in
the back of the limo we see Vicky, dressed beautifully
for the opening night (seated on driver's side) and
Rodney wearing a white dinner-jacket, black bow tie
(seated near-side back).
Since managing the impossible and getting two tickets
for the opening night, Rodney is a lot more confident in
her company.
Vicky
I still don't understand how
you managed it! Even Daddy
couldn't get tickets for the
opening night, and he tried
everywhere!
Rodney
Oh, it was nothing really! I
have - let's just say -
contacts!
We see the chauffeur (Eric) eyeing Rodney in the rear
view mirror - he knows Rodney's bullshitting. Rodney sees
the eyes reflected in the mirror and reacts embarrassed.
Vicky
But they must have cost the
earth!
Rodney
I didn't ask - I just told
my man, 'Get them!'
We see Eric's reaction. He sighs and shakes his head. He
looks in the mirror again. Rodney sees his reflection in
the mirror. He looks from the window sheepishly.
EXT. NIGHT. THE ROYAL OPERA HOUSE.
We see the limousine pull up outside. Eric alights and
opens the back door for Vicky.
Eric
Have a nice evening Miss.
Vicky
Thank you Eric, I'm sure we
will.
Vicky moves towards pavement. Rodney, who assumes Eric
will open his door, is still seated back. Eric leans
into the car.
Eric
Oi, out!
Rodney
Oh, right!
Rodney opens the door himself and alights.
Rodney and Vicky ascend the steps to the Opera House.
INT. NIGHT. FOYER OF OPERA HOUSE.
Rodney and Vicky enter the packed foyer and begin to make
their way towards the person taking the tickets. Rodney
produces the two tickets from his inside pockets.
Vicky
(Purely as a
joke)
I hope they're not forger-
ies!
She laughs.
Rodney laughs, now stops suddenly, his face frozen. He
realises how right she may be.
As they move across the foyer a few people nod and smile
to Vicky. Rodney is oblivious to it all, he is like a
zombie gripped with fear.
Ticket Collector
Good Evening Lady Victoria.
Vicky
Hello.
Ticket Collector
(Taking tickets
from Rodney)
Thank you, sir.
Rodney has a manic grin. The ticket collector checks the
tickets. Looks up to Rodney. We see his silly grin. The
ticket collector now smiles at Rodney, tears tickets in
half and hands him the stubs.
Ticket Collector
Thank you sir, have a nice
evening.
Rodney
(Sounding idiotic
with nerves)
What?
Ticket Collector
I said, have a nice evening
sir.
Rodney
Oh! Thank you. Thank you
very much.
Rodney and Vicky move away.
Vicky
Is there anything wrong?
Rodney
No, I'm fine! I'll get us a
programme.
Rodney moves to the programme seller.
Rodney
Two programmes please.
Prog. Seller
(Before handing
him the two
programmes)
That's eight pounds, sir.
Rodney
No, I said two programmes!
Prog. Seller
They're four pounds each,
sir.
Rodney
Oh... Right!
Rodney pays for the programmes.
Rodney and Vicky continue on their way towards bar.
Vicky
Rodney. I know you'll think
me a frightful old bore, but
you know you'd invited me to
a soccer match on Saturday?
Well, I'm afraid I'll have
to cancel.
Rodney thinks he is getting the brush off.
Rodney
Oh! Well, that's no problem
Vicky.
Vicky
I have to go home you see,
Daddy's invited a few
friends down to the estate
for the weekend - a shoot
and then dinner - and I
simply have to be there,
I'm the lady of the house
these days.
Rodney
No, that's alright. I
understand.
Vicky
Would you like to join us,
as my guest?
Rodney
Oh, em... well...
Vicky
You could stay overnight
and then on Sunday I'll
take you for the most
wonderful lunch at our
little local.
Rodney
Well... thank you Vicky,
I'd love to!
Vicky
Oh, that's super!
INT. NIGHT. THE BAR. OPERA HOUSE.
Rodney
Can I get you a drink?
Vicky
A very dry white wine and
soda please.
Rodney
Right. Shan't be a moment.
Rodney moves through the crowd towards the bar.
Rodney
(To Barman)
Excuse me! Could I have two
very dry white wines and
soda, thank you.
We now hear, from the very back of the bar.
Del
(OOV)
(A high, shrill
whistle)
Rodders!
Rodney is frozen. He is the only one who doesn't turn and
look in the direction of the noise. Rodney is shaking his
head in disbelief as Del, in his flash mohair evening
suit, arrives at his shoulder.
Del
Alright bruv?
(Indicating watch)
I was getting a bit worried,
the old time was creeping
on!
(To an elderly
lady who is
staring at him)
Alright darling? They reckon
it's a good 'un tonight!
Del shouts down to the barman who is serving Rodney.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oi John, when you've finish-
ed yer dinner break, any
chance of some service?
Rodney
He is already serving me!
Del
Well, that's alright then!
Get us a cubra libre,
Rodney.
Rodney
What the bloody hell are
you doing here?
Del
Oh charming, after all I've
done for you! There were
four tickets up for grabs!
And you know me, I love a
bit of opera!
Rodney
You? The only opera you've
ever seen was Tommy, and
that was on video! You've
never seen an opera in
your life!
Del
I've never milked a cow in
me life but I still like a
bit of cheese!
Vicky joins them.
Del
(Cont'd)
Good evening, Victoria. May
I say you are looking
particularly lovely?
Vicky
Thank you. I didn't realise
you'd be joining us
tonight.
Del
Yes, there were four
tickets available, you see.
Rodney
(Quickly)
And I bought 'em all!
Del
Eh? Yes, and Rodney bought
them all! He's like that,
generous to a fault!
We cut to another part of the bar. Exiting from the
ladies room we see June. Her dress is too low, too short
and too tight. A slit up the side of the dress reveals
even more of her fishnet stockings. She wears silver
stiletto shoes. She is heavily made up and wears a lot of
junk jewellery. She carries a handbag which is more like
a kit bag.
Rodney, being the tallest, spots June over the heads of
the crowd. He doesn't recognise her immediately.
Rodney
I don't believe it!
Vicky
You don't believe what?
Rodney
This is the Royal Opera
House and someone's ordered
a kissogram!
Del
Never! Where?
Del peers through the bodies and spots June.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To Rodney)
You saucy little... That's
my bird!
Rodney
(Horrified)
No! Please Del, it's not!
Del
It's Junie! You remember
June! Lives over in Zimbabwe
House!
Rodney
(Feels like
crying)
Del, I used to go out with
her daughter.
Del
Don't worry. She won't say
a word.
June joins them. Due to the tightness of her dress and
height of her heels, she doesn't actually 'walk'. She
kind of totters. She has a glass of Benedictine and
lemonade.
Throughout the evening, Del treats her warmly and
almost affectionately.
June
I weren't sure where you'd
got to! Them karseys ain't
half posh.
Del
You only go to the best
places with me, sweetheart!
Allow me to introduce you.
Lady Victoria, I'd like you
to meet June Snell.
Vicky
Good evening, June.
June
Hello, you alright?
Del
(Nudging her)
Oi! It's Lady Victoria!
Remember?
June
Oh yeah!
June curtseys as Del has trained her to.
June
(Cont'd)
It's a great pleasure to
meet you, m'am.
Vicky
(Embarrassed)
Please, it really isn't
necessary.
Del
Oh no, Victoria. June likes
to keep herself in
perspective, don't you
girl?
June
Yeah, I think it's best!
Del
You remember Rodney.
June
Wotchyer.
(To Vicky but
referring to
Rodney)
He used to go out with my
daughter Debby!
Rodney reacts.
June
(To Rodney)
She's living with a Cypriot
geezer now!
Rodney
T'riffic!
Vicky changes the subject to save Rodney's embarrassment.
Vicky
So you're an opera buff as
well, are you, June?
June
I saw one once. It was on
BBC2. Our telly had gone up
the wall and that was the
only channel we could get.
You came round that night
Del, remember? Well you'd
delivered the telly, hadn't
you?
Del
That's right.
(To Vicky)
Just needed a little adjust-
ment, that's all.
June
There was that world famous
foreign bloke singing,
weren't there?
Del
Yes. Wonderful voice!
June
Oh yes, he was very talent-
ed. Great big fat git,
weren't he?
Del
Mmmh, but couldn't he put
a song across?
(To Vicky)
Of course, this is my most
favourite opera, Carmen.
(Begins to sing)
Figaro, Figaro Figaro
Figaro Figaro!
Vicky
That’s from The Barber of
Seville.
Del
Eh?
Vicky
It's not from Carmen, it's
from The Barber of Seville.
Rodney
(Like an expert)
Yes, definitely The Barber
of Seville.
Del
Of course it is! Of course
it is! I don't know what's
the matter with me. I
always get Carmen and The
Barber of Seville mixed
up!
June
Well, Carmen is a hair-
dryer innit?
Del
Of course, that's it!
The bell that warns the show is about to start rings.
Del
(Checking Watch)
Blimey, he's rung that one
early, ain't he?
Rodney
Well, hurry up, we might get
another one in! So it's
white wine and soda. June?
June
I'm on Benedictine and
lemonade.
Vicky
Excuse me. The bell is
simple to warn the audience
that the performance is
about to begin.
Del and Rodney look at each other, they both feel right
prats.
Del
Yes, we know that!
Rodney
Yeah, we know that, we just
thought we might have time
for a quick one!
Vicky
I don't think so. We really
ought to be taking our
seats.
Rodney
Yes of course!
(Proffers his
arm)
May I?
Vicky
Thank you.
She places her hand on Rodney's arm
Rodney and Vicky move towards the exit.
Del
(Gesturing
to June)
Come on then.
June
How come she's got a pro-
gramme and I ain't?
Del
She can read!
June
(Accepting the
explanation)
Oh!
Del struts towards exit. June trotters after him.
INT. NIGHT. THE AUDITORIUM.
On stage the production is in full flow. We see a section
of the audience where, in the centre of a row we see
June, then Del, then Rodney, then Vicky. Del is mouthing
along with the song although we can tell that he doesn't
have a clue what the words are. He moves his hands
passionately and contorts his face emotionally. June is
sucking on the straw of a plastic canister of orange
juice which she most probably bought in the foyer.
Vicky is enthralled with the performance. Rodney is feign-
ing interest but is also concerned about Del's behaviour.
June reaches the end of her orange juice. We hear that
awful slurping sound of liquid and air. A few people in
the audience turn slightly at the noise. Vicky is too
spellbound to hear it.
Rodney is embarrassed. Del ignores it, he's sed to these
sort of noises. June drops the empty carton on floor.
Del
(To June)
Blinding opera innit?
June
It's alright I suppose. It
don't get going, does it?
Del
It's not s'pposed to get
going! This is culture! See,
you don't come to an opera
to enjoy it, you come
because it's there!
June
Oh, I didn't know that! I
like Vince Hill!
Del
(In total
agreement)
Yeah, yeah, I like Vince
Hill as well. He's almost
culture. Not quite, but
almost.
OOV
Sssshhhh!
Del
(Looking for
the culprit)
What's that about?
June
Dunno. Maybe there's someone
talking somewhere.
Del
Yeah, maybe. So people have
got no protocol.
June
Na.
June searches round her big handbag. She produces a
squashed and already open box of liquorice allsorts.
June
(Cont'd)
I've got a few liquorice
allsorts left.
Del
You got one with the hundreds
and thousands on it?
June
(Picking one
out)
Only one.
She eats it herself.
Del
(Nudging Rodney)
Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
Wanna liquorice allsort?
Rodney
No.
Del
Vicky... Vicky!
A man in the audience turns.
1st Man
Ssshhh!
Del
Is he having a pop at me?
Rodney
No, he's not! Just be quiet,
Del!
Del
Alright, alright... Vicky!
Vicky
Yes?
Del
D'you want a liquorice all-
sort?
Vicky
No thank you.
Del
Oh, alright.
(Sits back.
(To June)
There's only a couple left,
might as well finish 'em
off.
Del and June eat the last two sweets. Del crunches box up
and drops it to the floor. We see it land next to the
empty carton of orange. Rodney breathes a sigh of relief
that it is all over and the sweets have gone. We stay on
Rodney. OOV We hear the rustling of paper.
Del
(Nudging Rodney)
Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
D'you wanna crisp?
Rodney
No!
Del
Vicky...
Man
Ssshhhh!
Del
Don't you shush me, pal!
Rodney
Del, please!
Del
Well... Vicky...
Vicky
Yes?
Del
Fancy a crisp?
Vicky
Oh, no thank you.
Del sits back in seat. Stay on Rodney who is once more
relieved that the little episode is over. We hear (OOV)
the heavy crunching of crisps from Del and June. Other
members of the audience turn and look. One of the
performers hears the noise and looks up into the
audience.
Del
(Nudging Rodney)
Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
(Referring to
Vicky)
Put your arm round her.
Rodney
Eh?
Del
Put your arm round her
shoulder.
Rodney
I don't bel... Del, this is
not the Odeon!
OOV
Sssshhhh!
Rodney
Sorry.
Del
Don't you 'sorry' him!
(To Man)
Just keep on pal, see what
you get!
Del sits back and takes the packet of crisps from June.
Del has found that most of the crisps are in fact gone.
Del
You've had all of them!
June
No I ain't, you had some!
Del takes the last crisp and lets the packet drop to the
floor. We see it land next to the carton and the empty
box.
INT. NIGHT. THE AUDITORIUM.
Del's seat is empty. June is now eating a packet of dry-
roasted peanuts, she drops the empty packet. We see it
land next to the empty carton etc.
Rodney
(To June)
Where's Del gone?
June
He went out to the ice-cream
lady.
Rodney
(Worried)
Oh!
We cut to stage and stay with performance for a while. We
now cut to the dark aisle where we see Del, eating a
choc-ice and holding three others, looking for his place.
Del
(Calling as quiet
as possible)
Rodney!
We see a couple of people in aisle seats react.
Del
Rodney!
Rodney hears him and tries to wave as discreetly as
possible. Del doesn't see him.
Del
Rodders!
Woman
Will you please be quiet?
Del
I can't find my place!
Rodney!
June stands and calls.
June
We're over here, Del!
Del moves to his row.
Del
Excuse me, please.
The people in the row have to stand. We hear lots of
moaning and groaning from them and the people sitting
behind.
Del
Thank you very much... thank
you... oh sorry, was that
your toe?
He now squeezes past June. As he does so we see the floor.
(the box of allsorts, the packet of crisps, the packets of
dry-roasted peanuts and the empty orange carton.) We see
Del's foot land on the empty orange carton.
Cut to the auditorium/stage. We hear a mighty 'pop' as the
carton explodes.
We see the singer, in fact the entire cast, react and look
out into the audience. They now manage to pick the song up
and continue.
We cut back to our section of the audience. A great,
confused, hushed row ensues. It is very confused with people
talking and shouting over each other.
1st Man
For God's sake, how long do
we have to put up with
this?
Del
I didn't know there was an
empty carton on the floor!
(To June)
What d'you drop it on the
floor for?
June
Well how was I to know you
were gonna tread on it?
Woman
Are you going to continue
making this noise throughout
the entire performance?
Del
I don't know, I might let
you off for the second half!
Rodney
Del, please, sit down.
2nd Man
I am trying to listen!
Del
Well shut up then!
1st Man
Will you please be quiet?
Del
I'll come down there and
smack you in the eye if you
keep on!
There should be lots of other complaining voices which
are lost in a general buzz of sound. At some point in
this sequence we cut to stage and see the cast's
reaction.
Del sits, things begin to calm.
Rodney
Just take it easy, please!
Del
Well he's giving me the
'ump Rodney!
Pause as Del eats away at his choc-ice. He hands a choc-
ice to June. Without looking at Rodney, Del nudges him
with the hand which is holding the choc-ice. A small dab
of chocolate is left on the lapel of Rodney's white
dinner jacket. No-one notices this except us.
Del
Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
Wanna choc-ice?
Rodney
No!
Del
But I bought you one.
Rodney
I don't want it!
A pause.
Del
Vicky... Vicky!
Vicky
Yes?
Del
I got you a choc-ice.
Vicky
No thank you, I never eat
ice-cream.
Del
But I bought it for you.
Rodney
She doesn't eat ice-cream!
Vicky
I've never ever liked ice
cream.
Del
Oh... What am I supposed to
do with these?
Rodney
You can stick 'em where the
sun don't shine as far as
I'm concerned. Just shut up!
Del
Well thank you, bruv! Thank
you very much.
He drops the two choc-ices down on the floor next to the
now busted carton, the crisp wrapper, the peanut packet,
the allsorts box and the piece of choc-ice wrapping that
June tore off and threw away.
Now all is calm. All that can be heard, besides the
singing on stage, is the smacking of lips and licking of
choc-ice from Del and June. June finishes her choc-ice,
screws up what's left of the foil wrapping and throws it
on the floor. Del finishes his and just lets the paper
fall to the floor. The Hananera begins.
Del
Oh, I love this one!
Del begins whistling along with the song. People are now
turning round again. We see the singer's reaction as she
hears someone in the audience whistling along with her.
Rodney
(Nudging Del)
Del!
Del
Sshh Rodney, I'm whistling!
As Del continues we pan to June who is obviously begin-
ning to feel quite sick.
EXT. NIGHT. THE OPERA HOUSE.
From inside the theatre we can hear the Toreador song.
The foyer and the street are deserted. Now a fuming
Rodney walks out through foyer and exits to top of
steps. He breathes a great lungful of cold night air in
an attempt to calm himself down. He has the small
chocolate stain on his lapel. Vicky now joins him.
Rodney
I am sorry! I am so, so
sorry!
Vicky
It wasn't your fault Rodney!
I'm not blaming you and you
shouldn't blame yourself!
Rodney
I know, but... Oh God!
We now see Del, a sick looking June and a St Johns
ambulance man exit to top of steps. The ambulanceman has
his hand on June's elbow by way of assistance. Del is
just walking along beside them, his camel hair coat
draped over his shoulders and smoking a Castella.
S.J. A'man
A breath of fresh air,
madam, and you'll feel as
right as rain.
June
Thank you very much, doctor.
The ambulanceman returns to theatre. Del and June join
Rodney and Vicky.
Del
(Referring to
June)
Well, the Phantom of the
Opera strikes again! Still,
I shouldn't imagine that's
the first time someone's
been sick in there, eh
Victoria?
Vicky
I honestly don't know, I
haven't read the full
history of the building.
She gestures to Eric who is parked a short way up the
road.
Del
(To Rodney)
D'you fancy a bite to eat?
Rodney
(Angrily)
No!
Vicky
I'm not really very hungry.
The limo pulls up. Eric opens the door for Vicky.
Eric
Everything alright Miss?
Vicky
Not really Eric, but not to
worry.
Del
(To Rodney)
If you're taking her back
to her flat, behave your-
self!
Rodney
And what exactly is that
supposed to mean?
Del
Listen to me Rodney. The
last thing we need at this
delicate stage of develop-
ment, is for you to go
tubbing her! Now we've made
a good impression tonight.
Rodney
A good impression?
Del
We was doing alright up
until June's psychedelic
yodel!
Rodney
Just go away from me, will
you? Just leave me alone!
Rodney climbs into the car and they pull away. Del and
June are the only people around.
Del
Come on then June, let's get
you home.
They now wander away from camera. We hold this shot
until they turn out of vision. There is something sad
about them, two misfits, totally out of their depth,
misunderstanding everything they've seen.
Del is slightly in front of June. He strolls slowly and
confidently, his head bathed in cigar smoke. June
trotters along behind him, never quite catching up.
June
I'm sorry about tonight Del
Boy. I don't know what come
over me!
Del
Nor did that woman in front
of you! I mean be fair
June, it's your own fault.
Just think what you've been
shoving down your gullet
tonight. Benedictines and
lemonade, fizzy orange
juice, bacon flavoured
crisps, dry-roasted
peanuts.
June
Liquorice allsorts.
Del
Liquorice allsorts and the
choc-ce! I mean that's
enough to turn a warthog
over!
June
Before I come out tonight I
had a blancmange!
Del
Oh that's what it was?
June
I reckon the milk in the
blancmange was on the turn.
Del
The only thing that's on the
turn round here is you,
girl! Don't you be Tom and
Dick in my van.
June
No I won't Del, honest.
Del
Well, you get in the back,
you ain't sitting next to
me.
They turn corner and out of sight.
INT. DAY. THE VAN.
Del, Rodney and Albert are driving along London roads.
Albert is in the back. Del is driving, Rodney is in
passenger seat with the window open and his head held
almost entirely out!
Del
You can't smell it now,
Rodney! Albert spent two
hours scrubbing this van out
with disinfectant!
Albert
They could perform an
operation on the floor of
this van.
Rodney
That's what's making me feel
ill, the pong of that
disinfectant! It's like
being a Dettol delivery man!
We see the van drive past in a great cloud of exhaust
fumes.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Disinfectant and exhaust
fumes! When we gonna get rid
of this van?
Del
Why? What's wrong with it?
Rodney
What's wrong wi... Look in
your mirror? The Fire of
London couldn't have made
that much smoke.
Albert
It's just burning off a bit
of carbon, Rodney.
Rodney
Leave off! Half the estate's
suffering with bronchitis
'cos of this van!
Del
This is the thoroughbred of
three-wheelers. There's a
highly tuned machine under
that bonnet!
Rodney
(Obvious reference
to last night)
This van is like one of your
birds! It drinks too much,
makes funny noises and is
old enough to know better!
EXT. A GENTLEMAN'S OUTFITTERS.
This is one of those old, South Moulton street-type
establishments that sell shooting, fishing and riding
gear to the gentry.
The van pulls up outside of shop. The Trotters alight.
At this point Rodney is unaware that this is the shop
where they will be buying his weekend clothes. He now
reacts.
Rodney
(Horrified)
Is that the shop you were
talking about?
Del
Er, yeah!
Rodney
I am not going in there and
that's final!
Del
Listen to me, will you?
Rodney
No! When you said we'd buy
some clothes for my
weekend I thought you
meant we'd pop down to Sol
bros. in Balham for an
'airy shirt or something!
I didn't realise I'd have
to get dressed up like a
free-range wally!
Del
But this ain't just a week-
end, is it? It's a weekend
with the aristocracy!
They'll all be there -
Earls, Barons, Viscounts,
the lot! You've gotta dress
like them otherwise you'll
be different!
Rodney
Del, it doesn't matter what
I wear, I can't be anything
else but me!
Albert
This is no time for defeat-
ist talk, Rodney!
Rodney
Shuddup!
Del
Look Rodney, you can't go to
Covington House decked out
as a Bob Geldof look-alike!
Have a butchers at yourself!
I've seen wounds dressed
better than you! Now I'm not
gonna have anyone looking
down on you! You're as good
as them and I want them to
see you are!
Rodney
I appreciate that Del, and
thank you, but a pair of
green wellies will not turn
me into the Arch-Duke
Ferdinand! I'll be Rodney
Trotter in a pair of green
wellies!
Del
But you'll be proving some-
thing to them!
Albert
Look Rodney, this ain't
just a weekend away! This
is your interview!
Del
Interview?
Albert
Of course. The old Duke
wants to give you the once
over. He wants to see
whether you can fit in.
Del
And clothes maketh the man!
Rodney
But I might not want to fit
in!
Del
Of course you do, Rodney,
I've given this a lot of
thought for you. Listen to
me. I don't know if I've
told you this before - but
Mum said to me on her
deathbed...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Let's go in the shop Del.
Del
That's the spirit Rodders,
you know it makes sense.
They walk towards shop door. Rodney sees a few double-
barrel shotguns in window.
Rodney
That's another thing.
They're having a shooting
party. I disagree with blood
sports!
Del
Do me a favour. You'll never
hit one of them grouse
things, they're fast!
Albert
Tell 'em you've got a wart
on your trigger finger.
INT. SAY. THE GENTS OUTFITTERS.
The manager (Mr Dow, a Guardian-reading snob of the first
order) is behind the counter on telephone, as the
Trotters enter.
Dow
(On phone)
Of course, Sir Allen. The
boy will be round this
afternoon to collect it.
Del
He ain't saying nothing
about warts, Albert! The old
Duke'll love that. His only
child marrying someone who's
covered in warts! You say
nothing about warts, Rodney.
Dow reacts, he's never had anything like this in his shop
before.
Dow
(On phone)
I'm terribly sorry, Sir
Allen, I have to go, 'some-
thing's come in... I mean
up! Goodbye.
Dow replaces the receiver.
Dow
(Cont'd)
(To the Trotters)
Good afternoon gentlemen.
May I help you?
Del
Well, I do hope so. We wanna
buy a bit of gear.
Dow
I see. And what is sir's
pleasure?
Del
Well, birds and curry I
s'ppose, but I didn't come
here for all this chit
chat.
(Indicating Rodney)
I want you to tog him out
for a weekend in the
country, 'acking jacket,
stout brougues, all the X's.
Del lays a wad of notes onto the counter.
Del
(Cont'd)
There's a monkey there -
that should cover it!
Dow
(Taken aback)
Em, yes, yes of course. If
you'd like to come this
way, sir.
Del
Come on Rodders, let's sort
you out. He's got some very
strange measurements!
Del and Rodney follow Dow towards a door which we assume
leads to a fitting room.
Albert
(Calling)
Don't you worry Rodney, by
the time he's finished with
you you'll look just like
one of them!
Rodney
That's what I'm frightened
of!
Del, Rodney and Dow exit.
EXT. DAY. COVINGTON HOUSE AND GROUNDS.
We are out in the fields with Covington House in the
distance. To one side of us, and reasonable close, we
have a few out-houses or barns and a small lane or
track. We should have a few open backed Land-Rovers,
which we assume have driven the guests up here, and a
new-ish Range Rover. We have about twenty guests, ages
ranging from late teens to early seventies.
We see Victoria and her father, Henry Duke of
Maylebury (mid 50's), Rodney, Patterson, the butler
(60), Carter, the footman (25), and a couple of women
in maids' uniforms who, at the moment, are helping lay
out the buffet on a long trestle table.
The 'shoot' is in fact clay-pigeons and so we also have
the man who controls the machine that fires the clay
discs (the loader).
We come up on machine. We hear Henry in the background.
Henry
(OOV)
Pull!
The loader fires the machine.
We see the two discs fly through the air, and then shatter
as they are both hit.
Guests applaud politely. Henry is standing with the still
smoking gun, pleased with his effort.
Patterson
(The Butler)
Good shot, your Grace.
Henry
Yes, I was quite pleased
with that myself, Patterson.
One of Henry's friends (Charles) a man of about Henry's
age, steps forward with his gun.
Charles
Pure luck Henry, pure luck!
Henry
Thank you Charles, I thought
you might clear up the
mystery. Let's see you do
better.
Charles
Stand back old boy and watch
a real marksman! Pull!
We cut to big close up of Rodney. The screen is filled
with his face, we cannot see what he is wearing. His
eyes follow the trajectory of the discs. We hear the
reports from the gun. We hear mild applause from the
other guests.
Rodney
Good shot sir.
We now cut back to show Rodney in all his glory. We wears
a hacking jacket, a deerstalker, a pair of those plus-
fours type trousers tucked into knee-length brown woolen
socks and a pair of stout walking brogues. (This is Del's
vision of the country gentleman)
Rodney applauds genteelly. Vicky approaches.
Vicky
Are you hungry?
Rodney
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Vicky
(Gesturing to
buffet)
There's plenty to eat.
Rodney
I'll have something in a
moment. Thank you.
Vicky
Well, what do you think of
it so far?
Rodney
Oh, it's very interesting.
I'm enjoying myself, thank
you.
Vicky
Rodney, you keep saying
'thank you'!
Rodney
Do I?
Vicky
Yes, I just thought I'd
mention it. I hope you don't
mind?
Rodney
No. Thank you... Sorry!
Vicky
(Laughing)
Don't mention it!
Rodney
Thank you... I said that one
on purpose.
Vicky
I know you did! Have you
ever used a double-barreled
before?
Rodney
A doub... Oh no, I had an
airgun when I was a kid.
Vicky
Would you like to try?
Rodney
No, that's alright Vicky,
I'll just watch.
Vicky
Come on, don't be such and
old stick in the mud!
(Calling)
Daddy, d'you have a gun
there for Rodney?
Henry
Yes of course, darling!
Patterson, would you load
the Purdie.
Patterson
Yes, your Grace.
Henry
Have you done this sort of
thing before Rodney?
Rodney
No. I'll just watch if you
like.
Henry
Nonsense! There's nothing
to it. Just be aware of the
kick, keep it pointed up,
that sort of thing.
Henry hands Rodney the gun.
Rodney
Thank you your Grace.
Henry
Henry, please.
Rodney
Henry. Thank you.
Vicky hands him the ear protectors.
Vicky
Would you like these?
Rodney
Thank you.
Rodney steps up to the firing mark. He felt a big enough
prat before. But now he knows all eyes are on him, he
feels an even bigger one. He holds the gun pointing
directly in front of him. He looks across to the loader.
The loader is waiting for his instructions. There is a
pause.
Rodney now turns round to Henry, Vicky and any others
who happen to be behind him. He still has the gun point-
ing directly in front of him (at them).
Rodney
What do I say to him?
Everyone reacts, they turn away, crouch, put their hands
up in front of them.
Everyone in firing line shouts in unison.
All
No!
Vicky is gesturing with her hands.
Vicky
Down Rodney! Put it down!
Rodney cannot hear with the ear protectors on.
Rodney
What?
Henry
Down Rodney! Down!
Rodney, misunderstanding all the gestures, crouches -
gun still pointing at them.
Henry
No, the barrel Rodney! Down!
Rodney now realises and lowers his barrel. There is a
great unified sigh of relief.
Henry
Sorry old boy, but one
never, never points the
gun...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Yes I realise what I did!
I'm very sorry.
Henry
That's alright, my fault, I
should have told you...
When you're ready you just
shout 'pull!'
Rodney
Okay then! Thank you...
(Preparing himself)
Pull!
We cut to a shot from Rodney's POV. In the distance we
can see the loader and the machine. Further behind him
we can see a couple of barns. As he pulls firing handle,
we have the briefest of glimpses of a little yellow van
with an iffy exhaust, pulling its way up the lane.
The disc fires into the air.
Rodney moves his head with the discs but now looks back
in horror. Both barrels blast blindly into the air.
Henry and the others are all puzzled by the fact that
Rodney wasn't even looking at the targets which have
flown merrily on and landed somewhere in the field.
Henry
(To Vicky)
Is he of a nervous disposit-
ion?
Vicky
Not as far as I know!
Rodney is staring hungrily, maniacally out into the
countryside. From his POV we can see the loader, who is
also looking puzzled by what he has just witnessed. But
behind him there is no sign of the little yellow van.
Patterson
(Referring to
the gun)
Would you like me to take
that for you, sir?
Rodney
What? Oh thank you.
Rodney removes the ear protectors.
Henry
That was a... em... jolly
good try Rodney.
Rodney
Thank you.
Rodney moves away still staring out to where he thought
he'd seen the van. Vicky concerned, follows him.
Vicky
Are you alright?
Rodney
Yes, thank you.
Vicky
You seem somewhat - shocked!
It wasn't the gun was it?
Rodney
No, no, I'm fine.
Vicky
I'll get you a drink.
She moves off towards buffet table.
Rodney is now eyeing the countryside like a hunter. He
knows his prey is out there, he's seen it, but where is
it now?
Rodney
(Mumbling to
himself)
Come on, where are you? I
know you're out there
somewhere, you three
wheeled yellow bastard!
We see shots from his POV. The countryside is tranquil.
Birds are singing, the sun is shining. Rodney turns
away in the opposite direction. He takes a couple of
steps forward then suddenly turns and leaps back to his
original position, as if trying to catch the van out.
We see Carter (the footman) and the two maids watching
him incredulously from buffet. Vicky is pouring a drink
at buffet and has her back to all this.
From Rodney’s POV everything is tranquil. Rodney now
begins doubting his own eyes and, indeed sanity.
Rodney
(Mumbling)
I'm sure it was there! I saw
it!
He shakes his head and turns away. Now, from a distance,
he hears the dreaded call.
Del
(OOV)
Tally ho Rodders!
Rodney closes his eyes.
We see the yellow van bouncing its way over the grass
towards him, Del shouting from the open window, Albert
is seated next to him. Everyone at the shoot stops to
witness this. Del alights, he wears the camel hair coat,
three piece suit and smoking a Castella. Albert, who
is in a really grumpy mood, alights from passenger
side, in duffel coat etc.
Del calls out to some of the guests.
Del
(Calling)
Good morning. Tally ho
there.
(Referring to
the weather)
You couldn't ask for better
than this, could you!
Rodney
Go away!
Vicky arrives with Rodney's drink.
Vicky
(Just politely)
Hello - again! I didn't
think we'd see you here.
Del
I didn't think I'd see me
here!
Albert
I didn't think I'd see me
here either! I was supposed
to be playing in a crib
championship down the
Legion. 'Stead of that he
drags me all the way out to
bloody Berkshire!
Del
(Taking the drink
from Vicky)
Thank you darling, I needed
this. Let me explain. I was
having a little clear up
back at the flat, and what
did I find in one of the
wardrobes?
(Indicating Rodney)
His evening suit! He'd left
it at home! So I thought he
can't sit down to dinner
dressed like that! So I had
no option but to drive his
evening suit all the way
out here.
Vicky
Oh, I see! Well that's very
nice of you Derek. Isn't it,
Rodney?
Rodney
(Sharply, clenched
teeth)
Yeah!
Vicky
Daddy...
She moves away.
Rodney
You bloody liar! I packed
my evening suit! I, I, me I
packed it myself, person-
ally!
Del
You couldn't have packed
it, Rodney, otherwise how's
it get in the wardrobe?
Rodney
You took it out of my suit-
case after I'd packed it!
Del
Now why would I do a thing
like that?
Rodney
So you could bloody well
get down here!
Vicky and Henry approach.
Vicky
Daddy, this is Rodney's
brother, Derek Trotter.
Derek, I'd like you to
meet...
Del
(Cutting in)
No introductions necessary,
recognize you from your
photo in the Sporting Life.
How is Hamsome Samson? Over
that fetlock sprain?
Henry
Yes, he's coming along
nicely, thank you.
Del
And what about next years
Derby. Will he be trying?
Henry
Trying? It's the Derby, Mr
Trotter. Everyone's trying!
Del
Just as long as I know
where to put me money, your
Grace.
Henry
Yes! Victoria tells me
you've driven all the way
up from London with
Rodney's evening suit!
Jolly decent of you. You
must be exhausted.
Del
I'm cream crackered your
Grace! I'll just mooch
around awhile until I feel
strong enough to make the
long journey home.
Henry
Yes please, make yourself
at home. If you're still
around later, I'm sure cook
will provide something to
eat.
Del
Oh, you mean dinner? Well
has luck has it, as I was
pulling his evening suit
out of the wardrobe, mine
came out with it! So I've
got all me gear with me!
Henry
(Taken aback)
Oh! Em, yes! Er, well...
Patterson. Could you set
another place at the table
tonight?
Patterson
For this, em, gentlemen?
Henry
Yes.
Patterson
Of course your Grace.
Del
Well that is jolly civil
of you, thank you very
much! Your Grace, would you
mind awfully if I had a
little pot-shot?
Henry
Pot sh... Oh, no of course
not. Patterson, a gun for
Mr Trotter.
Del
That's perfectly alright
your Grace. I have my own
weapon. Albert, would you
mind?
Del gestures towards the van.
Albert walks to the back of the van moaning to himself.
Albert
Albert, would you mind! He
couldn't care bloody less
whether I minded or not!
Fight for your country, go
down in shark-infested
seas, and what thanks do
you get, even from your own
relatives? They turn you
into a gun wallah!
From the back of the van Albert produces a hard gun case.
He brings it back to Del
Albert
(Cont'd)
Here you are, and don't ask
for nothing else.
Del
Thank you my good man, you
may retire.
Albert
I thought I'd done that
bloody years ago!
Del
(To Henry;
embarrassed)
He's been with us for years!
... Bit like income tax!
Del moves to the firing area with the gun case. Charles
offers Del the ear protectors.
Charles
Would you like these?
Del
No, thank you. I can't
concentrate on music when
I'm shooting!
He takes the gun from case and stands. All we see of
the gun is the wooden butt which is just above his
waist.
Del
(Calling to
Loader)
Ready when you are, John!
Loader
(Calling back)
Do you mean 'pull?'
Del
Sorry, Paul! In your own
time, son!
The loader shrugs and pulls the firing handle. We see
the discs fly through the air. Del now brings the gun
up for us to see. It is a sawn-off, single barrel, pump
action shotgun.
He fires from the hip, pumps and fires again. We see the
two discs, they do not merely shatter, they explode. We
hear the triple-echo resounding across the countryside.
Debris is falling everywhere. We see the guests ducking
from it.
Now silence falls all around. Everyone except Del, is
left open-mouthed by what they have just witnessed.
Del has the still smoking gun resting on his hip, man
with no name fashion.
Del brings the gun up to his lips and blows the smoke
away.
Del
(To Henry)
You wait 'till I get my eye
in!
Del wanders away, feeling very proud of himself. He
passes the incredulous Rodney.
Rodney
Where d'you get that gun
from?
Del
I borrowed it from Iggy
Higgins.
Rodney
Iggy Higgins? But Iggy
Higgins robs banks!
Del
I know! But it's Saturday!
Del wanders away towards buffet. Rodney is frozen to the
spot.
INT. NIGHT. THE MAIN HALL. COVINGTON HALL.
A large staircase sweeps down into hall. Most of the
guests from the shoot (now dressed for dinner) are in
the hall being served sherry by Carter. Some of the
guests are spending the weekend at Covington House,
others, who live locally are arriving back at the
house. Patterson is attending to the door and their
coats etc.
Rodney and Del, both dressed as per opera, (the small
chocolate stain still on Rodney’s lapel), appear on
landing, gallery or top of stairs.
Del, with a freshly lit Castella, appears confident
and obviously looking forward to the evening. Rodney
appears unnerved at the sight of the massed nobility.
Del
(Referring to
all the guests)
What a sight, eh Rodney?
Makes you proud to be
British, dunnit? They know
a cucumber sandwich from an
egg on toast, this lot!...
(To someone down-
stairs in hall)
Alright? Splendid.
Rodney
Del... Derek, listen to me.
I was nervous enough about
this weekend, and that was
without you being here! But
you arrived! And your
presence alarms me! Please
Del, please, behave
yourself!
Del
Well of course I'll behave
myself! What sort of bloke
d'you think I am? I am here
simply to help you make an
impression!
Rodney
But I don't want to make an
impression! I just wanna
sit quietly and hope no one
notices me!
Del
That's no good, Rodders!
You've gotta project your
image!
Rodney
I ain't got a bloody image!
Del
Well you will have before
this evening's over! And
you can cut that language
out for a start! This is
the crème de la menthe of
British nobility. Look at
'em, there ain't one of 'em
lower than a Dowager!
(Rhymes with dagger)
We don't want them thinking
we're oi polloi or nothing!
We've gotta be on our
bestest behaviour tonight,
Rodney!
Rodney
Good - we are in agreement
then!
Del
Right...
From their POV we see one of the female guests wearing a
low-cut dress which reveals a lot of her ample cleavage.
Del
(Cont'd)
Cor! Lungs on that!
Rodney reacts. Del descends stairs nodding to and greet-
ing a few people as if they are life-long friends. He
helps himself to a sherry from the footman's tray.
One of the paintings on the wall should be a Pissarro.
Del
(To the Duke)
Alright 'Enry?
Henry
What! Oh yes, good evening
Trotter.
Del
(Referring to
painting)
Is that a Da Vinci?
Henry
No, it's not a Da Vinci!
Del
Shame. He's my favourite.
Have you seen that cartoon
of his! Laugh! I tell you,
my old ribs were aching for
days. And he did Mona Lisa
as well you know.
Henry
Did he really?
Del
Her with the energetic
smile. You're not quite sure
whether she's about to grin
or she's sucking a sweet.
Henry
That's a Pissarro.
Del
Oh I don't know, I've seen
worse.
Henry
Dear God! It's by Camille
Pissarro! He was a 19th
century impressionist!
Del
What, like Mike Yarwood?
Henry realises there is no point continuing the conver-
sation.
Henry
Yes, that's right, just like
Mike Yarwood.
Del
What, and he did a bit of
painting an' all?
Henry
Yes!
Del
Well, you live and learn,
don't you?
Henry
Do you?
(To someone out
of vision)
Philip, how nice to see you.
Henry moves out of shot.
Del takes another sherry from the footman's tray.
INT. NIGHT. THE KITCHEN OF COVINGTON HOUSE.
The cook, Mrs Miles, and the two maids are busily prepar-
ing the dinner - placing meat, vegetables etc in silver
tureens and serving dishes which are then placed on a
large serving trolley. Mrs Miles is in her mid-fifties -
one of them 'comfortable' women who like to fatten men
up. Albert s seated at the table with a dinner in front
of him.
Mrs Miles
(To one of the
girls)
Keep your eyes on those
peas, Shirley.
She hands a cup of tea to Albert.
Mrs Miles
(Cont'd)
There you are Albert, three
sugars.
Albert
Thank you very much Mrs
Miles. I'll give you a word
of warning. Don't give Mr
Trotter any peas, they go
everywhere.
Mrs Miles
I'll tell Mr Patterson. Who
are you people, Albert?
Albert
They're not people, they're
my nephews.
Mrs Miles
Oh, they're not of noble
birth then?
Albert
Noble? Nearest them two have
got to nobility was their
great Uncle Jack, he was a
tobacco baron! No, the noisy
one's a fly-pitcher and the
young one's his apprentice.
Mrs Miles
You mean that's what you lot
do, sell things on street
corners?
Albert
Not me madam! I was a career
man. I was in the navy for
thirty years, man and boy.
I've been round the world
more times than a satellite.
I fought in the battle of
the Atlantic, battle of the
convoys - you name it, I was
there!
Mrs Miles
I bet you could tell a tale
or two, eh Albert?
Albert shakes his head emphatically.
Albert
I never talk about it!
Mrs Miles
I understand. I suppose it
brings back too many
memories?
Albert
That's right! I remember
once, we was out in the
South China Sea.
Carter the footman enters.
Albert
We knew there were mines
around, so we was on...
Carter comes straight in and interrupts Albert, much to
Albert's surprise and annoyance.
Carter
That little fella out there
is really knocking sherry
back! He's had almost a
whole bottle of Amontillado
to himself already. He
keeps talking about
Leonardo Da Vinci, it's
like he knew him!
Mrs Miles
Tell Mr Patterson. He might
be able to discreetly
suggest that the gentleman
moderates his drinking.
Albert
Anyway, as I was saying, I
never talk about it.
Mrs Miles
Never talk about what?
Albert
About my days in the navy,
the battles end everything.
But this particular day in
the South China Sea, the
old captain came to us...
Patterson enters and interrupts Albert.
Patterson
Are we nearly ready to
serve, Mrs Miles?
Mrs Miles
Yes, Mr Patterson, ready
when you are.
Patterson
Good, I want to get Leonardo
Da Vinci's best friend sat
down before he falls down.
(To Albert)
He's some relation of yours,
isn't he?
Albert
Who, Leonardo Da Vinci?
Patterson
No, the gentleman out there
who thinks the stuffed
olives are pickled grapes?
Albert
Yeah, yeah sort of.
Carter
(Referring to
Del)
Is he an ex-navy man as
well, Albert?
Albert
Him? You must be joking. He
thinks a clipper's some-
thing you do your hair
with! No, I'm the only one
in our family who ever went
to sea. I tell a lie. My
Grandmother's brother was
safety officer on the
Titanic.
All the others are busy with serving dishes etc. They now
all stop and look at Albert as they realise what he has
said.
Albert
But I never talk about it.
INT. NIGHT. THE DINING HALL.
The meal is over and all the guests are engaged in
conversation. The room is heavy with cigar smoke. The
maids and Patterson are clearing away the remaining
crockery. Henry is sat at the top table. Vicky, is at
the opposite end. To one side of her sits Rodney, to the
other side sits a slightly merry Del. The room is
filled with conversation, the sound of glasses, lots of
laughter. Charles is seated close to Henry.
Charles
Henry, who's the young chap
with Victoria?
Henry
He's just a friend. Someone
she met in some street
market. She's going through
a 'working artist' stage -
her mother, was the same,
God bless her. It's just a
phase. She's often bringing
'colourful characters' down
for the weekend. D'you
remember that gypsy-type -
arrived with the
bull-terrier and a stolen
Escort?
Charles
Oh yes. Beat Patterson up
in the library?
Henry
That's the one. This chap,
Roland or Rodney, something
like that, he's an artist
as well.
Charles
And the other fella, his
brother?
Henry
Yes, he appears to be the
biggest artist of them all!
Del
(OOV)
'Enry, is that a Da Vinci?
Henry
(Without even
looking)
No.
Del
(OOV)
Nice, though.
Henry
(To Charles)
As I say, it's just a phase.
We now see Patterson pass Del. On the floor around Del's
chair we have a dozen or so peas. Patterson treads through
them as he passes.
Del
(Holding out
empty glass)
Patterson. Giss a topperooni,
pal.
Patterson reluctantly fills Del's glass.
Rodney leans back and calls Del. This conversation takes
place behind Vicky's back.
Rodney
Will you leave that wine
alone? You ain’t in the Star
of Bengal now!
Del
What are you on about? I'm
enjoying myself!
Rodney
But when you enjoy yourself
no one else does!
Del
Just trust me Rodney. We're
coming to the stage of the
evening when we are about
to project you.
Rodney
I do not want to be project-
ed, got it? I want to remain
extremely un-projected!
Del
(Referring to
Vicky)
Hold her hand.
Rodney
Shuppup!
They break from conversation.
Vicky
(Referring to
Del)
I think he's a little drunk.
Rodney
He's always been a little
drunk!
Del is speaking to a woman seated next to him.
Del
That was a blinding meal yer
Ladyship, weren't it?
Lady
Yes, excellent.
Del
What did you have? The
pheasant?
Lady
Yes, pheasant.
Del
I had the quails, with
greens and gravy.
Her Ladyship looks at Del' stained serviette which is
still tucked in his shirt.
Lady
So you did! Tell me - it's
Trotter, isn't it?
Del
Yes m'lady, but my friends
call me Del.
Lady
I see. Tell me Trotter, how
do you come to know Henry?
Del
Well, you see his daughter
Victoria is getting engaged
to my younger brother
Rodney.
Lady
(Incredulous)
Engaged?
Del
Ssh! Keep it under your
tiara, we don't want the
media getting hold of this.
You know what ity was like
for Andrew and Fergie -
couldn't fart without a
news flash, could they?
Patterson has been placing decanters of port on table.
One decanter to every four people. He places one in
front of Del.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To her Ladyship)
Cor, he's given you a blank
your Ladyship! Still,
perhaps he'll bring your
carafe in a minute.
Del pours himself a port.
INT. NIGHT. THE KITCHENS.
The cook and the maids are now busy washing up. Albert
and the footman are still at table. The footman rests
his head on his hand and is looking bored and sleepy as
Albert's saga continues.
Albert
I was in the liferaft about
twenty yards away from him.
The currant was so strong I
couldn't reach him! Then I
saw it! A long black shape,
a white foaming line behind
it, hurtling straight
towards him! I shouted,
'Watch out Tommy, there's a
torpedo heading straight
for you!' Then I realised
that I was wrong! I said
'It's alright Tommy, it
ain't a torpedo, it's a
shark!'
Carter
I bet that come as a great
relief to him!
Albert
It was awful! That story
will haunt me to the day I
die!
Carter
I know the feeling!
INT. NIGHT. THE DINING HALL.
Some of the guests have side plates containing fruit -
grapes, segments of orange. There are glasses of port,
brandy etc.
We pan round table and see the guests chatting, we hear
laughing, drinking etc, all in a very relaxed,
civilised manner. We see quite a few of the guests
actually eating the fruits. (small fruits, grapes etc)
They are using antique silver fruit knives.
As we continue the pan we pass Del whose elasticated tie
is hanging at an obtuse angle., a couple of buttons of
his shirt are undone revealing evidence of a string
vest beneath. He is well gone and eating a banana. The
decanter of port is almost empty. The tablecloth around
him is covered in port stains and cigar ash.
We continue the pan leaving him and seeing more of the
civilised guests. We now hear a high-pitched whine.
The whole table stops and looks in Del's direction. We
see Del is running his finger round the rim of one of
the crystal goblets.
Del
(To Henry)
That's how you can tell
they're pukka crystal.
Henry
Really? Thank you.
Charles
I don't want to worry you
Henry, but he threw his
banana skin in your Ch'ein
Lung jardiniere.
Henry
Good grief!
Cut to Vicky's end of table.
Del is still examining the glasses.
Del
These are lovely Victoria.
What are they, Ravenhead or
something?
Vicky
No it's Stonebridge Crystal.
They've been in the family
for generations.
Rodney
Put it down!
Del
Alright!
(Picking up a
silver fruit
knife)
Look at the craftsmanship
in that.
(Calling up
table)
'Enry, this knife.
Henry
No, it's not a Da Vinci!
Del
Pure silver though, I'd
wager.
Henry
Yes. They were made by
William Cawdill in 1648.
Del
Really? They've come up
well, ain't they?
Del now bangs the knife three times across the rim of
the priceless crystal and listens to the tone. Everyone
in the room holds their breath.
The glass doesn't smash.
Del
(Cont'd)
Hear that tone? Makes you
proud to be British dunnit?
Me and Rodney are involved
in cutlery. Canteens par
excellence. I've got some
in the van, it won't take
me a minute.
Rodney
Del. Just - just leave it
will you?
Del
Well maybe later.
Giles
(One of the more
younger set)
Which part of London are you
from, Rodney?
Rodney
Em - Peckham. Peckham, er,
Peckham, London.
Giles
Really? Not too far from me,
I have a flat in Chelsea.
Vicky
Rodney's taking me to
Stamford Bridge to see some-
one play soccer.
Giles
Oh you're one of the
faithful! I'm a blues fan
myself. Have you taken a
box?
Del
He don't need a box, he's
tall enough to see, ain't
he?
Giles
No, I meant a private box
in the new stand!
Rodney
No, I'm usually in the Shed.
Giles
Yes, I've often seen the
chaps in the Shed. Looks
great fun! I'm a great
Dixon fan.
Del
Which Dixon you talking
about?
Giles
Well, Dixon of Chelsea!
Del
Him? I'd rather play Dixon
of Dock Green! I mean, he
can't dribble like Jimmy
Greaves could!
Giles
Well maybe not, but he's
still a fine player. I
mean, he's good in the air!
Del
So was Biggles!
(Indicating Rodney)
Of course, he had a great
future as an athlete.
Rodney is horrified by this, he's never even won a sack
race.
Henry
That's jolly interesting,
Rodney. Which area of
athletics?
Rodney
Em... er, well...
Del
All sorts, weren't it,
Rodney? Running and jumping
over things - chucking
things, all sorts! The
headmaster at his
university wanted him to go
in for the Olympics. But
he said no! He gave it all
up to concentrate on
business. And that's where
his true talent lies. He's
a future whiz-kid. This
time next year he'll be a
millionaire.
Henry
That's nice to hear. Which
university were you at?
Rodney
It wasn't actually a univer-
sity, sir.
Vicky
Rodney was at art college,
Daddy. In Basingstoke.
Henry
Basingst...! Yes, yes, I've
heard very good things
about it?
Charles
How long were you there old
chap?
Rodney
Th... three weeks.
Charles
Three weeks?
Rodney
I left for... em, personal
reasons.
Del
It weren't his fault.
Rodney
(A plea)
Del!
Del
No, it's important these
good people know the truth!
They weren't his drugs what
he was found in possession
of!
Everyone is stunned by this. Rodney lowers his head.
Vicky looks at him with disappointment.
Del
(Cont'd)
It was the Chinese tart! He
only went down to her room
to borrow a box of chalk.
She said have a puff of this
Rodney and then SGB burst
in. Caught him bang to
rights with a reefer al
dente! He was two mil away
in black Maria before he
even said man! So I just
want you all to know, is
case the drugs conviction is
ever brought up by the
gutter press, he was done
up like a kipper.
There is now total silence around the table except for
the sound of Del pouring himself yet another brandy.
Del
(Cont'd)
Anyway, let's liven things
up a bit! Here you are, a
little recitation entitled,
'Don't worry mother your son
will be back soon, he's only
sailing round the world in
a Grimsby fishing smack'!
Here we go.
Throughout this we see Rodney slowly dying. Most of the
other guests have their heads lowered in embarrassment.
Del
(Cont'd)
The boy stood on the burning
deck, the water shone like
glass. A burning ember flew
down his neck, and burnt him
on the... ankle!
Del collapses in great guffaws of uproarious laughter.
He is banging the table, glasses rattling together.
There is an embarrassed, pathetic silence from all the
others.
INT. NIGHT. THE KITCHEN.
From the dining hall we can hear Del's laughter.
Patterson, Carter, Mrs Miles and the maids are looking
in the direction of the laughter.
Albert is seated at the table. He closes his eyes and
shakes his head sadly.
INT. NIGHT. THE DINING HALL.
Del continues laughing.
Del
Oh dear me. You all thought
I was gonna say arse, didn't
you?... Did you hear the one
about the Irish bloke on a
skiing holiday?
Everyone looks up, horrified that anybody could tell a
skiing joke in Covington House.
Del
See, this Irish fella wins
a skiing holiday in a
contest of some sort. This
is a killer!
People around the table react.
INT. NIGHT. THE KITCHEN.
Everyone is there as before.
Albert, realising their weekend is now finished, is put-
ting his duffel coat on, finishing a mug of tea.
INT. NIGHT. THE DINING HALL.
Del
... and his wife said,
'That's not my Paddy's ear,
he had a fag behind his!'
Del laughs uproariously.
Henry screams down the table to him.
Henry
Trotter! I want a word with
you! Outside - now!
Del and Henry move towards doors.
Vicky
(To Rodney)
Are you still staying over-
night? Or... or not?
Rodney
No, I think I'd better get
myself off home.
Vicky
Fine... it was... Yes.
INT. NIGHT. THE MAIN HALL.
Henry
Listen carefully Trotter. I
want you and all your kith
and kin out of my house and
off my land right now!
Del
Don't you wanna discuss the
arrangements first?
Henry
Arrangements? What arrange-
ments?
Del
(Quietly)
Rodney and Victoria's
wedding!
Henry
W... W... Wha... what do you
mean - wedding?
Del
Oh no! They haven't told
you, have they? I hope I
haven't spoilt a wonderful
surprise!
Henry
A wonderful surprise? For
whom?
Del
Well, for you! I thought
we'd place the announcements
in The Times, Country Life
and the Peckham Echo. What
d'you think?
Henry
I do not believe I'm hearing
this! My daughter is marry-
ing no one! In two months
time she leaves for America.
She's taking a year's course
at the New York School of
Art!
Del
That's most probably part
of their honeymoon! Two
months, eh? We'd better
book a cathedral a bit
lively!
Henry
The only thing you'll be
booking is a bed in
intensive care! Your
brother is not, I repeat,
not marrying my daughter.
Del
Look Henry, we're not
yippidy yoys you know. We
know how to conduct
ourselves. In fact, there
is a rumour that we are
related to the Surrey
Trotters!
Henry
I don't care if you're
related to the Surrey
Trotters, the Berkshire
Trotters or the Harlem
bloody Globe Trotters! I
want that young man out
of my daughter's life!
Del
Well I don't know how
you're gonna do that! Your
Vicky's stuck on him.
Henry
Well I'll find a way of un-
sticking her, have no fear
of that!
Del
Well it's not gonna be easy.
I know Rodney too well. I
can't think of anything that
would make him leave her...
Well, there might be one
thing?
Henry
And what's that?
Del
Why don't we talk about it
in your study over a
brandy?
Henry
(Indicating door)
Through here.
They exit.
Del
(OOV)
What is that one?
Henry
(OOV)
That's a Da Vinci.
INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Very early, Sunday morning. From outside we can hear the
sound of the Muezzin calling the faithful to worship.
Rodney is alone in the lounge. He sits in an armchair
vengefully trance-like, still wearing his stained
evening jacket (minus the tie). He has not slept and is
unshaven and weary.
Albert exits from his bedroom wearing pyjamas and dress-
ing gown.
Albert
(Referring to
Muezzin)
Ali's started early this
morning ain't he? Can't
understand it, Del Boy
flogged him a new watch
last week... You're up
early an all son. Or ain't
you been to bed?
Rodney just shakes his head.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Come on, Rodney. You need
your kip, boy. I know that
last night didn't go as
well as you'd hoped for,
but... well, try'n look for
the silver lining.
Rodney
Silver lining?? He called
the Earl of Stanton a
dipstick! He showed them his
scar! He was so drunk he
couldn't even order his
nightcap or rum and black -
he asked for a bum and
rack! So where's the silver
lining, Unc?
Albert
Well...It's lucky he didn't
fancy a Bucks Fizz, innit?
Albert moves towards the kitchen. He now stops in his
tracks.
Albert
(Cont'd)
(Referring to
Muezzin)
Ali's still at it. You ever
heard him do the Yellow
Rose of Texas?
Rodney gives the tiniest of smiles. Del enters from the
bedroom area. He is dressed in his casual clothes and is
very hung-over.
Del
Oh my gawd! Someone's put
an 'ampster in my mouth! I
feel really sick! Do us a
sausage sandwich with brown
sauce, Unc. I've gotta have
something inside me.
Rodney
(Quietly to
himself)
How about a dum-dum bullet?
Del hasn't heard this.
Del
I don't know why we come
home so early from 'Enry's
drum. I mean we was all
having a good time!
Rodney
No, Del! You was having a
good time! Everyone else was
praying for their appendix
to burst! I'm going outside.
I'm gonna try and ration-
alise the nightmare of
yesterday evening! And when
I've thought the whole thing
through and got my head
straight and regained my
composure, I'm gonna come
back in here and kill you!
Rodney exits through the hall door.
Del
(To Albert)
Have I upset him or some-
thing?
Albert
Upset him? I don't know how
the boy's managed to keep
his hands off you! Last
night you drank one and
'alf litres of vintage port,
you mixed coca-cola with
their one hundred year old
cognac, then I heard you took
some diabolical liberties
with a priceless punch-bowl!
I don't know what you did
but the maid said she'll
never drink Sangria again!
Del
Ain't it marvelous, eh? I
try and help someone but my
good nature always rebounds
on me!
(Calling from
window)
Ali, give it a rest, son!
INT. DAY. THE LIFT FOYER OF BLOCK.
This is on the 14th floor.
The Muezzin has now stopped. Rodney is standing at window
looking out over Peckham.
Del enters foyer.
Del
Rodney... come on Rodders,
I was only trying to make
an impression.
Rodney
And you made an impression,
Del! It was similar to the
impression the Americans
made on Nagasaki! Why can't
you stay out of my life? For
as long as I can remember
it's always been the same -
you sticking your oar into
everything I did! I remember
the time I joined the army
cadets. I used to enjoy
that! Going away for
weekends - climbing things.
Then you discovered that the
boy I shared a tent with had
a relative who was a big
noise in show-business. That
was the end of my military
career weren't it? I was now
gonna be a child-star! I was
demobbed and straight into a
tap-dancing school before I
could say, 'Who goes there?'
Del
They said you had natural
rhythm, it was just your
legs.
Rodney
It was just an embarrassment
- like last night! I was the
only kid in that school who
didn't have proper tap-
dancing shoes.
Del
That was because your army
boots made more noise!
Rodney
Oh they made more noise
alright! I used to make
'Zippidy Doo Dah' sound like
the advance on Leningrad!
Even that painting
competition at school - I
could have won that if it
wasn't for you! The art
teacher wrote that my
'Marble Arch at Dusk' was
like a masterpiece!
Del
No, he said it was like
mantlepiece, Rodney!
Rodney
He said masterpiece.
Del
It looked nothing like
Marble Arch!
Rodney
That's 'cos it weren't the
bloody Marble Arch! It was
the Arc de Triomphe but none
of us could spell Arc de
Triomphe, so you said paint
a trolley bus in front of
it and no-one will be any
wiser!
In pure frustration, Rodney punches the metal dust chute
cover with his right hand.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You see, you had to inter-
fere! And now you've
interfered again between
me and Victoria. You
humiliated and destroyed
me in front of all them
people. You smashed my
chances of getting an
occasional break from this
concrete mess! And you've
ruined my opportunity of
sharing a warm and
friendly relationship with
someone I respected. And
on top of that Del. On top
of all that - I think I've
broken my hand!!
Del
Let's have a look!
Rodney
Get away from me! You went
everywhere with us! You
came to the Theatre Royal
and put British Culture
back ten years! You called
Puccini a wally-Frog! And
what you did to that
antique punchbowl was
little short of criminal!
Del
I admit I might have got a
bit merry!
Rodney
Merry?
Rodney pokes Del in the chest with index finger of his
right hand.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You... aargghh?
Del
You wanna get that hand
looked at!
Rodney
Shuddup!
Rodney now pokes Del in the chest with index finger of
his left hand.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You even told the joke about
the Irish bloke on a skiing
holiday!
Del
No!
Rodney
Yes you did! The whole room
fell silent!
Del
Don't keep on about it
Rodney.
Rodney
That's when he decided to
chuck us all out? D'you
know what the most painful
incident of the entire
evening was? His Grace
asked me to join him in
his study for a little
chat. He said he wanted me
to stop seeing Victoria.
He wanted me out of her
life - now, and for good!
Couldn't risk the scandal
see. A peer of the realm's
daughter getting mixed up
with someone like me... He
offered me money!
Del
(Feigning innocence)
No?
Rodney
Yeah. You can imagine how I
felt!
Del
Oh 'orrible Rodney,
'orrible! I'd have told him
what to do with his money.
Rodney
I did.
Del
Good b... What? You said
nito to a grand?
Rodney
Yes I did! I still had a bit
of my self-esteem left
intact! A thousand pounds
don't buy me, Del!
Del
Well it could buy me!
Rodney
A free-estimate could buy
you!
(Reacts)
How did you know he offered
me a grand?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
How did you know he offered
me a thousand pounds?
Del
Well, that's about the
going rate for getting a
plonker out of your
daughter's life!
Rodney
You arranged it didn't you?
Del
No, no, I didn't actually
arrange it! Look Rodney,
them sort of people are
looked after by Special
Branch and MI6. Don't you
think they would have run
your name through a computer
and found out about your
conviction? Then, if you
refused to get out of
Vicky's life they'd have sent
a hit team after you. The
next peer you'd of seen was
that one at Southend. as
they rowed you out on the
midnight tide!
Rodney
(A bit concerned
about this)
Course not!
Del
No? What would they have
said to the old Duke then?
Don't worry your Grace, you
ain't losing a daughter,
you're gaining a pot-head!
You'd have been brown
bread, Rodney. So I thought,
a grand on the hip's better
than a poisoned umbrella up
the jacksey! But you, you
dipstick, turned it down!
Rodney
Yes I did!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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