THE NAG'S HEAD.
Mickey Pearce is at the bar with Amanda. Boycie and
Trigger are at the table playing poker.
Trigger
What's the matter with you
Boycie? You don't seem
you're old self tonight,
You ain't cheated once.
Boycie
No, sorry Trigger, I'm
just a bit down, that's
all. I mean, you don't
know what it's like to
have a wife who cannot
have children. I've tried
to console her. I've said
'Marlene, God didn't
mean you to have kids,
so shut up about it.
'Doesn't seem to help.
Trigger
I'd like to be someone's
dad.
Boycie
We're down for another
bloody going over at the
hospital next week. I
mean, embarrassing ain't
the word. I'm sure they do
half those tests just for
a giggle. I mean, she's
the one with the problem,
why have I gotta go?
Trigger
I never knew who my dad
was.
Mike
I heard your mum weren't
that sure.
Trigger
You're out of order Mike.
She knew who my dad was...
roughly.
Boycie
Now, come off it Trigger. I
seen your birth certificate
at school! What did your
mum put down under father's
name?
Trigger
...Long time ago weren't
it?
Boycie
What did she put down under
father's name?
Trigger
'Some Soldiers!' Well maybe
that's where I get my
military bering from!
Boycie
(Hands him his
glass)
Oh yeah? Well go'n do a
counter-attack then!
Where's Del Boy tonight
then?
Mike
He's gone to the Zoo.
Boycie
He's gone to the...
Mike
Don't ask.
Amanda
Right then, I'm off now Mickey.
Mickey
(Produces a wad
of notes)
Yeah, I'll see yer later
Amanda. Here doll, treat your-
self to a chinky, yeah.
Amanda
Cor, cheers Mick. I'll give
you a bell in the week.
Amanda exits.
Mike
Seems like a nice girl Mickey!
Mickey
Yeah well! You know how it is
Mike, every so often a person
fancies a bit of rough!
Mike
And she picked you?
Mickey
Oh that's a joke innit? I
remember you said something
funny a couple of years ago!
Rodney enters carrying a large case.
Rodney
Alright Mick?
Mickey
Alright Rodney, what you
having?
Rodney
Oh, um, 'alf a lager please,
ta.
Mickey
'Ere y'are Mike, make that a
big pint!
Rodney
Oi, oi, what have you been
up to then?
Mickey
I'm working for Boycie ain't
I! Delivering, picking up.
He's in the video game in a
big way. Pirates, naughties,
all that! And it's cash in
hand, no questions, sweet as
a nut!
(Indicates case)
Where you been, out on the
knocker?
Rodney
No, I've just come back
from me evening class ain't
I? Remember I told you we'd
applied for an Arts Council
grant? We got it!
Mickey
Never!
Rodney
Yeah, straight up! Mr
Stevens, right, he's head
of our art group, got
confirmation this morning.
We got ten thousand quid
to make a local community
film.
(Patting the case)
And we've got all the
equipment, everything -
and guess who's in charge
of the project?
Mickey
You're putting me on!
Rodney
No, straight up, it's me.
What I've got to do, you see,
I've gotta come up with the
idea and then delegate the
various responsibilities to
all the other students.
Mickey
Yeah, well put me in won't
you? I'm a member of your art
class aren't I?
Rodney
Oh come off it Mickey, you
only came one night - and
that's only cos I told you we
had a nude model.
Mickey
Yeah, well I thought it would
be a bird. Anyway, you've
gotta write it Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah.
Mickey
Well, you're a natural when it
comes to the written word.
I'll never forget that thing
you wrote some years back.
What was it called?
Rodney
The Indictment.
Mickey
That's it, The Indictment,
yeah. That would have made a
terrific book you know. Why
didn't you send it to the
publisher?
Rodney
I'll be perfectly honest with
you Mickey. I couldn't think
of a single publisher who
could understand what I was
saying.
Mickey
Yeah, it was a bit strange
weren't it?
Del and Albert enter. They are covered in little bits
of straw and hay.
Del
Alright Rodders?
Trigger
Hello Del, what you having?
Del
What am I having?
(Indicating Albert)
A bleedin' hard time with
this moaner, here.
Albert
I shouldn't be humping bales
of hay around at my time of
life.
Trigger
Bales of hay??
Del
You see, Abdul's cousin's
girlfriend's brother's mate,
right, he's a gamekeeper
down at one of these private
Zoos! And Monkey Harris's
sister's husband's first
wife's stepfather, right, he
works for an animal food
company. So, put the two
together and what you got -
a nice little earner.
Mike
(Indicating Albert's
beard)
Don't wanna worry you but I
think you've got something
nesting in there, old son.
Albert
Up yer shirt!
(Calls)
Oi Rodney!
Rodney
(To Mickey)
Hang on. I'll see you in a
minute.
Albert
While you've been poncing
around at yer soppy art class
I've had to unload two tons
of hay!
Rodney
Oh, poncing around, is that
what you call it? Well, for
your information, this evening
I was commissioned to make a
film!
Trigger
Leave off Dave, I wouldn't
leave you to make a jelly!
Boycie
I have heard rumours Mickey
Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter
wristwatch!
Rodney
It's true.
Del
I love it, Boycie.
Rodney
I'm telling you!! I've got all
the equipment, and everything!
I'm writing it and...and
Mickey Pearce is directing!
Del
You what...Mickey Pearce
directing. He couldn't direct
a sea gull to the coast him.
Rodney
He's got experience in films!
Del
What, that Saturday-morning
job at the photographic
counter at Boots? Leave it
out Rodney. Anyway, you
couldn't write a film script.
I mean, what was that book
that you wrote, what was it
called The Indikment, I mean
that never got published did
it, eh?
Rodney
No, 'cos you chucked it down
the bloody chute!
Del
Yes that's right, because I
didn't want to see you
disappointed! It was a bloody
stupid story - no murders
in it or nothing!
Rodney
It was an indictment of a
failing system weren't it?
Alright, it was a first
effort so it probably didn't
have the same social impact
as, say, Cathy Come Home!
Del
It didn't have the same social
impact as Lassie Come Home!
Mike
This film you're making Rodney
- anyone in it we know?
Del points to Mickey and a group of girls.
Del
I tell you what, all them
birds are in it for a start,
look.
Albert
That's a shred move on your
part Rodney. You're the
writer, Mickey's the
director. So he gets the cast-
ing couch and you get the
Biro!
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is seated at the table with a notepad and a pen.
Rodney gets sudden inspiration, goes to write, then
returns to his original position. Del enters from the
hall carrying a large package wrapped in brown paper.
Del
'Ey up there, here you are
Oscar, mind out, quick - I've
got a present for you. There
y'are.
Rodney
What is it?
Del
Close your eyes.
Rodney
Oh come on Del!
Del
Now, come on, close yer eyes!
Rodney
(Closing his eyes)
I bet Tom Stoppard don't have
to put up with all this!
Del places the package on the table and removes the
wrapping to reveal a very old, slightly battered
typewriter.
Del
Alright, come on then open
'em. Well? There you are.
Rodney
Yeah...er...it's er...it's a
typewriter, innit?
Del
You see that Albert, he
recognised it straight away,
that's the author in him!
Well, come on Rodney, come
on, let's get going boy.
You'll soon have that old
screenplay knocked out now
won't you my son? Go on,
there.
Rodney
It's er...it's old isn't it?
Albert
They made stuff to last in
them days. That is quality
Rodney. Look at that crest,
by royal appointment.
Rodney
Oh yeah...Victoria Regina!
Del
Well go'n.
Rodney
What?
Del
Well go on, try it.
Rodney hits a key then checks the paper.
Rodney
It's very faint Del, innit?
Del
Well you gotta hit it harder
than that Rodney - have
another go.
Rodney
(Hitting key
harder)
It's still faint Del.
Del
Well, you've gotta give it a
good whack haven't ya. Here
look.
(Giving the key
an almighty thump)
I'll tell ya - look. There
y'are, there y'are, that's a
bit better, look.
Rodney
Yeah that's great, thanks a
lot.
Del
Away you go then.
Rodney
Away I go what?
Del
Well, you know, you know,
start the old typing.
Albert
Yeah, be creative.
Rodney
Be creat... I can't just be
creative at the drop of a hat
can I? There are certain
things a writer needs before
he can actually start
writing. Like a story!
Albert
You ain't even got a story??
Rodney
Not exactly, I've only been
trying for a few days, ain't
I!
Del
Listen, I've had an idea for
a story and it's a bleedin'
good 'un an' all! D'you
wanna hear it?
Rodney
No...Not really Del.
Albert
Oh that's charming innit?
You buy him a brand-new
typewriter and come up with
a story for him, and what
thanks d'you get?
Del
I'll tell you what thanks
get Albert, no sodding
thanks, that's the thanks I
get!
Rodney
Alright, tell us yer story
then!
Del
No, no, don't bother your-
self Rodney, please. I was
only tryin' to help you!
Rodney
Oh now, come on, honestly Del,
seriously, I'd like to hear
your story...Well, I need a
bit of help, don't I?
Del
Right, okay, now this is a
Jaws-type story.
Rodney
Jaws?? Jaws has been done
though.
Del
I know it's been done! But
this is different. It's
called...There's a Rhino Loose
in the City!
Rodney stares at Del incredulously.
Rodney
There's a Rhi...There's a
Rhino Loose In...A rhino? As
in rhinoceros??
Del
That's right. There's a Rhino
Loose in the City!
Albert
What's it about Del?
Del
Well, it's about this rhi-
noceros right, escapes from
a zoo and it heads straight
for London! And after two or
three days they find like
all these dead bodies lying
about and no-one knows who's
done it! So, they get hold
of this private detective,
you know, like a sort of
Charlton Heston type geezer
to try and solve the crime.
Now the zoo keeper happens
to be a very attractive
woman. Before you know
where you are, old Charlton
is giving the sort what
for, so that's yer romantic
interest!
Rodney
A rhinoceros??
Del
Yeah! But they don't know
it's missing!
Rodney
But how can you not know Del?
If you've got a rhinoceros
right and one day it ain't
there - well, you tend to
know it's missing!!
Del
Don't be a plonker all yer
life Rodney. She ain't got
one rhinoceros, she probably
had two or three rhinoceroses!
Albert
And how's he escape?
Rodney
Squeezed through the bars
most probably!
Del
Now don't you start getting
saucy with me Rodney. I'm
only trying to help you.
Rodney
I don't believe this! Nobody
knows it's escaped? What
about the eight million
people living in London?
Don't none of them spot it?
Del
Yes! But the ones who spot
it - they're the ones who
get trampled to death!
Rodney
And what about all the others?
The people in offices, the
people in cafes, the people
sitting on top of buses! It's
a rhino Del.
Del
He only comes out at night!
Albert
What is it, a vampire rhino?
Del
No it is not a vampire rhino.
That is stupid that is, innit
eh?
Albert
And where does he live during
the day?
Del
In a lock-up garage in a back
street!
Rodney
What, he's leasing it is he?
Del
He's not leasing it. It's a
disused garage in a back
street where no one ever
goes! The detective does find
it, only it's at night!
Albert
And the rhino's gone out?
Del
That's right see, so you see
the old detective is nowhere
near solving the mystery. You
see what it is Rodney, it is
not only a love story! It's
a whodunit!
Rodney
An whodunit? What do you mean
an whodunit? We know who-dun-
it! The rhino done it!
Del
Yes, I know that, we - we the
audience know that, but they
don't know - the actors do
they?
Rodney
This is something! A
rhinoceros has escaped from a
zoo! There are 300 dead
bodies covered in rhinoceros
footprints! There's a lock-
up garage two and 'arf foot
deep in rhinoceros crap and
Charlton Heston suspects the
butler!!
Del
I do admit there are one or
two teething snags! But it's
got all the essential
qualities of a hit hasn't
it. I mean, it's got
suspense, lots of killings
and a bit of humpty dumpty!
I mean, look, this is a
disaster movie!
Rodney
Disaster? It's a calamity
Del!
Albert
Why is he killing people?
Del
Well, what d'you want him to
be a social worker? Well,
he's a man-eater ain't he?
Rodney
No, no, rhinoceroses aren't
carnivorous! They're
vegetarians!
Del
Alright, so we elbow the lock
-up garage and we make him
hide in the back of an health
food shop!
Rodney
And he won't head for the
city neither.
Albert
But he's gotta head for the
city so that he can kill lots
of people!
Del
Yeah that's right!
Rodney
No, his natural habitat
would be open country.
Del
Alright, so what are you
suggesting? We call the film
There's a Rhino Loose
Somewhere Out in the Sticks
Where No Sod Lives??
Albert
You don't call the likes of
Charlton Heston in 'cos
something's eating carrots!
I think it's a good idea Del.
Del
Thank you very much Albert.
Rodney
Yeah, well I'll pass!
Del
Alright, alright, I just
wanted to put an idea in your
head that was all. I wish
it'd been a bleedin' bullet
now!
Rodney
Del, I've only got a small
budget, ain't I?
Del
But that's the beauty of it
Rodney. I know where there's
a rhinoceros going cheap!
CHINESE TAKE-AWAY.
Albert and Rodney are standing at the counter. Del is
on the pay phone.
Del
Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock
out that stuff for you
tomorrow night. Eh? Um, not
sure if we'll be wanting the
rhino now.
Rodney
We won't.
Del
Alright, listen I'll give you
a bell tomorrow Chas. Tata
mate.
(To Chinese Owner)
Oi Tony, come on, where's
that grub - we've been
waiting 'alf hour. There's
something I wanted to catch
on the telly, the Epilogue.
Owner
Yeah it coming, it coming.
Wha' you order?
Del
Look I told you, two chicken
and rice and one Spanish
omelette.
Owner
Two chicken rice, one Spanish
omerette.
Del
Can't even speak the lingo can
he?
(To Rodney)
Well, how are you getting on
with your story then?
Rodney
Well I have the kernel of an
idea! I'm just waiting for it
to develop somewhat. It's what
writers call the gestation
period.
Albert
And what do you call it?
Del
Stop it, stop your winding up
you.
Albert
And where's your director then
Rodney?
Rodney
He's acquainting himself with
the video camera and all the
equipment.
Del
Yeah. He's down the Town Hall
filming a wedding.
Rodney
What d'you mean he's down the
Town Hall filming a wedding?
Del
Well, well you see what
happened was, I went down the
Town Hall and around a few
churches taking notes of the
banns. Then I contacted a few
brides and asked them if
they'd like their happiest
day recorded on film for 50
quid a throw!
Rodney
I don't believe you're doing
this to me!
Del
Well look Rodney, that Mickey
Pearce has gotta practice with
that camera ain't he? He's
gotta work out how to focus it
and all that. You know, why
not earn while yer learn!
That's what I say. Anyway, he
nicks all the tapes from
Boycie, don't he, eh?
Rodney
But Del, this is an opportunity
for me and all you're doing is
making money out of it!
Del
It'll be alright because he's
only got five or six weddings
to do, two or three
christenings and he's finished.
Rodney
But that camera is council
property!
Albert
Yeah, so is the Town Hall.
Del
Yeah see, there you go!
Rodney
You're just abusing the trust
shown in me, ain't yer.
Del
Look, will you shut up you
tart! Look, here is your share.
Rodney
I don't want it.
Del
Oh well, please yourself. It
goes back in the...
Rodney
Alright, just this once!
Del
Don't do me no favours Rodney!
Will ya, eh?
Rodney
You've got a nerve...
Boycie and Marlene enter. At first they do not notice
the Trotters.
Marlene
Well, that's shut you up for
a good while though innit
Boycie!
Boycie
I keep telling you Marlene,
them doctors don't know
everything! They're a bunch
of chancers that's all.
(To Owner)
Good afternoon, I phoned an
order through earlier, Mr
Boyce.
Owner
Oh yes, I go see.
Boycie
Thank you.
Marlene
All those bloody tests I've
had!
Boycie
And what about all the bloody
tests I've...
(Seeing the
Trotters)
Oh, good afternoon Derek. I
didn't realise you and your
family were dining out.
Del
Oh yes, I like to treat 'em
once in a while, keep the
moral up.
(Slapping Marlene's
bottom)
Hello darling, how are you?
Hey, is my little godson in
there yet?
Marlene
No he ain't! And he ain't
likely to be with him around!
Boycie
Marlene!
Marlene
Marlene bloody nuffing! All
these years you've said it
was my fault we couldn't have
kids! They've just discovered
there's nothing wrong with
me - it's him.
Boycie
Ain't it bleedin' fair eh??
Del
What's the matter then
Boycie? You ain't a noofter
are you?
Boycie
See that you've started now
Marlene? Even the doctors
ain't allowed to discuss
this outside the confines of
the laboratory. And you're
holding a public debate in
a Chinese take-away.
Marlene
He's got what the doctors
call a low count.
Rodney
Don't want to buy a
calculator do you Boyce?
Albert
What's it mean?
Boycie
Nothing!
Marlene
It means he's been firing more
blanks than the Territorials!
Boycie
You happy now Marlene?
The owner exits from the kitchen with a plastic bag.
Owner
My Boyce, prawn balls?
Boycie
Yes thank...
Boycie looks around at everyone, daring them to smirk.
Boycie (Cont'd)
Yes, thank you very much.
Marlene
It's our anniversary next
Friday. 20 years, Gawd, that's
something to celebrate innit?
Anyway, we've hired the pub
and you're all invited.
Del
Oh lovely, we'll be there
sweetheart.
Boycie
Well, come along then Marlene.
Marlene
Yeah alright, oh Rodney is
that right you're making a
film?
Rodney
Yeah.
Marlene
You know I used to act a bit
when I was younger. Actually
someone once said that I had
a promising career in films.
Boycie
Yeah, then talkies come
along and ruined it! Let's
go Marlene!
Del
Tara Marlene. Bye bye Boycie.
Boycie and Marlene exit.
Del (Cont'd)
What about that then? Old
Boycie's a Jaffa.
Rodney
A Jaffa?
Del
Yeah, you know, seedless!
Rodney
I could use Boycie's problem
as a theme for my film
couldn't I. Because that
hospital they attend, that's
one of the leading centres
for genetic research,
artificial insemination and
all that. That's quite
interesting?
Del
Oh yeah, on the edge of yer
seat stuff that - yeah. Have
you thought any more about
the rhino story?
Rodney
Del, I am not doing a film
about a blood-sucking
rhinoceros and a divvy
detective! No, that hospital
interests me though.
Albert
I don't reckon they should be
allowed to do it - freezing
things and all that. They're
messing around with nature.
Rodney
No, they're not messing around
with nature are they? They're
assisting nature! See, 'cos
they only freeze the ova, or
eggs, right, until they are
ready to be fertilised,
right, and then thy get the
egg and well they sort of
mix...There's this geezer...
Albert
Oi, oi, I've ordered an
omelette 'ere.
Del
Yeah, yeah. Do you know what
I reckon, in a few years tie,
young married couples wanting
to start a family, they won't
go to the doctors, they'll
nip down the road to Bejams!
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is at the typewriter. He has a large pile of
fresh writing paper and a tiny pile of finished pages.
He starts whacking at the keys. Del enters from the
bedroom area.
Del
Everything alright Rodney?
Rodney
No, the T and the A are miss-
ing.
Del
Well it's no problem is it?
Rodney
Well it is if you wanna
write words like 'at'!
Del
You'll find a way round it,
I've got faith in you, I
really have. Anyway, how are
you coming on? Can I have a
read, or something?
Rodney
No you can't! It's not
finished yet!
Del
Oh alright. What's this,
just a minute.
(Indicating page)
What's this red mark up here,
is that something technical
is it?
Rodney
No, one of my fingers started
bleeding!
Del
Never mind, you'll be alright.
Hey! I tell you what, your
movie ain't 'alf caused a
stir round here! You'd be
surprised how many actors
and actresses live locally.
I don't mean - you know,
like professionals, I mean a
lot of new, fresh, untapped
talent! Well, I made a list
for yer, there you are.
Del hands Rodney the list.
Rodney studies it, turns to the second page:
Rodney
You're not suggesting I use
all these people in my film?
Del
Just extras Rodney, just
extras. Don't mind the
quantity think about the
quality!
Rodney
I'm thinking about the money
Del!
Del
I did say, well a tenner a
day.
Rodney
I can't afford to pay 'em a
tenner a day!
Del
No, they pay us a tenner a
day.
Rodney
You're just exploiting people
again ain't yer?
Del
No I am not Rodney. I've given
'em your word now.
Rodney
Well you had no right to!
Del
Alright here’s your share.
There you go, look.
Del lays the money on the table.
Rodney
And they're just extras?
Del
That's all - just extras. By
the way, there's a list here
of local businesses you
might like to mention.
Del hands Rodney another list.
Rodney
(Reading list)
The Seventh Heaven Sauna
Parlour??
Del
Yeah, just a mention, some-
thing like 'The nice relaxing
atmospheric, nice and
friendly service.' You know
what I mean? Oh, is the
undertaker's down there?
Rodney
No.
Del
Oh well bear it in mind, will
yer?
Rodney
Del, why are you doing this
to me? I had high hopes when
I started this project! Mr
Stevens said if it was good
enough he'd show it at the
National Film Theatre.
Del
What's the matter with you,
you're earning ain't yer?
Look, listen I've gotta
shoot, I've got another
client to meet. It might
mean another booking...
'Ere, talking about that...
what is a 'natural birth'?
Never mind - I'll find out
myself. Oi Albert, Albert,
d'you wanna lift?
Albert
Yeah, I'll be with you in
a minute son.
Del
Well come on, come on
shift yourself I ain't got
all night you know. See
you later.
Del exits to the hall. As he opens the front door,
Mickey arrives with the camera on his shoulder.
Mickey
Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
Del
Alright, listen, I might have
another booking for you later
on. I'll bell you, alright.
Del exits.
Mickey
Smart.
He enters the lounge.
Mickey (Cont'd)
Alright Rodney?
Rodney
No it's not alright! This is
getting out of hand!
(Handing Mickey the
cast list)
Look!
Mickey
What is it, a petition?
Rodney
No, that's our cast list!
(Handing him
another list)
And this is a list of all the
shops and businesses we've
gotta advertise.
Mickey
(Reading)
He forgot the undertakers!
Rodney
You mean you knew about it?
Mickey
Well it's good business
Rodney!
Albert
Right, I'm off out now Rodney.
The doorbell rings.
Albert (Cont'd)
I'll get it.
Rodney
Look it's gotta stop Mickey!
Amanda enters, heavily made-up.
Rodney (Cont'd)
We're promoting shops and
businesses, ain't we? We've
got more extras than Ben
Hur there.
Mickey
Watcha babe. This is Amanda.
Rodney
It's a what?
Mickey
Amanda. I'm taking her out
for a drink tonight so I
asked her round here so
you could make her a nice
cup of coffee. Alright
Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, okay.
Rodney exits to kitchen.
Amanda removes her coat to reveal a very short nurses
uniform, black stockings and suspenders. Rodney
appears at the kitchen door.
Rodney (Cont'd)
D'you take sugar?
Amanda
Two please.
Rodney exits. Two seconds later he enters the room.
Rodney
Mickey, could I have a
moment of your time please.
Mickey
What's up?
Rodney
Why is she wearing a nurse's
uniform?
Mickey
She's just come off duty!
Rodney
Oh yeah. You must think I've
just come off a banana boat!
What are yer playing at??
Mickey
Look, I've been delivering
these films for Boycie ain't
I, so I know where I can
sell 'em. We've got all this
equipment, why waste it? We
can cut the middle-man out!
Rodney
I'd like to cut your liver
out. You are not making any
films in this flat.
Understand? Both of you??
Mickey
Alright Rodney, no need to
get out yer pram about it.
Rodney
Sit down. I'll make you a
coffee then you can both hit
the road.
Rodney exits.
KITCHEN.
Rodney
What's happening? What the
bloody hell's happening? I've
got a cast of thousands, I've
got more advertising than
Pearl and Dean and now Mickey
wants to make Emmanuelle in
Peckham. Oh, this is a bloody
nightmare...Now Rodney,
Rodney...Calm down...Deep
breaths...Nice 'n' easy does
it...
Mickey
(OOV)
Night Nurse Take One.
Rodney
Night Nurse Take One??
LOUNGE.
Mickey is filming. Amanda's hand drops the bra.
Mickey
That's the way baby. Let it
slip to the ground.
Rodney
Mickey...You better not be
doing...
(Sees Amanda)
Oh no Mickey. No, get her
to put 'em back! Oh bloody
hell!
THE NAG'S HEAD.
Mickey is still in filming.
Mickey
Right, hold 'em up. That's
it. Move 'em about a bit.
Del, Rodney, Albert, Boycie, Marlene, Trigger, Mike,
the vicar and other guests are holding their glasses
up in a toast.
Marlene
Oh hurry up Mickey love.
Boycie, he don't like
smiling for too long.
Mickey
Okay everybody, that's a
wrap.
Boycie
I wasn't ready for that
one.
Del
Happy anniversary.
Albert
Happy anniversary dear.
Mickey
Oi, vicar get a move on.
We've got that christening
to do in 20 minutes.
Vicar
Yes, I'll be with you in a
moment Mickey.
Mickey
Alright, I'll wait for you
down the church then.
Alright Rodney?
Rodney
Shut up!
Mickey
Please yerself!
Mickey exits.
Del
Here we go Rodney, my son,
that's your share, alright?
Rodney
I don't like this Del, you
know I don't like this. Ta.
Mike
Here Del, we're slipping out
to the back room.
(Winks)
Alright?
Del
Right, good Mike, yeah.
Mike
Hi Rodney.
Rodney
Alright Mike.
Mike
(Bogart impression)
Of all the bars in all the
world and you had to walk
into mine.
Rodney
You in my film as well
Mike are yer?
Mike
Yeah, just a little cameo
role son. I'll see you in
a minute.
Del
Come on Rodney. Come on
Albert.
Rodney
Alright.
Vicar
Well it seems to be going
rather well.
Rodney
Oh yeah, it's very nice
innit vicar?
Vicar
I married the happy couple
all those years ago. Of
course, I had hoped by now
that the Good Lord would
have blessed their union
with an offspring or two.
But if it's not to be...
Rodney
Well I heard that because of
the precarious state of the
world, Boycie and Marlene
had decided against starting
a family.
Vicar
Oh really? I heard that
Boycie was a Jaffa. Tell me,
is it true that you're
making a film Rodney?
Rodney
Oh yeah. We got an Arts
Council grant.
Vicar
I er...I was talking with
Derek earlier...
Rodney
I'll give you a bell when we
start shooting vicar.
Vicar
Thank you my boy.
BACK ROOM OF THE PUB.
Trigger draws the curtains. Boycie puts a video tape
in the recorder. Rodney enters.
Del
Alright - everyone got a drink
have they?
Rodney
Even the vicar's in on it Del.
Del
What you want to drink?
Rodney
Give us a beer.
Del
Here. Go on then my son.
Trigger
Watcha Dave.
Rodney
Alright Trigger.
Trigger
You dirty rat!
Rodney
Oh, this is getting bloody
stupid.
Boycie
Alright gentlemen, would you
like to settle down. If you'd
like to take your seats.
Del
Come on, here we go.
Boycie
The Boycie Video and Leisure
Arts Company is proud to
present the British Premiere
of Night Nurse from the novel
by Enid Blyton.
Mike
Ooh, that was a bit unex-
pected innit?
Del
Here look at that one. I've
got no sympathy for her,
look.
Mike
No, no, Del that's gotta be
special effects.
Del
No that's real. No stop -
it's starting proper now.
The picture shows a flat.
Boycie
Where do they get these grotty
flats to film in?
Mike
'Ere I've seen that bird
before somewhere.
On screen Amanda is lying on the Trotter's couch. She
wakes, stands and stretches. She begins unbuttoning
her blouse. Rodney stands and heads for the door.
Del
Go on girl, let's have a look.
'Oh dear, I am tired I've just
come back from nursing.'
Boycie
One of those would do me a
week.
Del
Hello, who's got her ear
muffs off now...
On the screen Rodney appears at the kitchen door as
Amanda removes her bra.
Del
(Screams)
Rodney!
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is pinned against a wall by Del.
Rodney
It was nothing to do with me
Del. It was a Mickey Pearce
production!
Del
Mickey Pearce. You wait till
I get my hands on him. I'm '
gonna shove that camera 'alf
a mile up his nostril!
Rodney, didn't you have any
idea what you were getting
yourself into?
Rodney
I thought Boycie wouldn't be
too pleased you know, some-
one muscling in on his
business and that.
Del
God. Boycie. Boycie's not
the one that worries me.
It's his partners that are
giving me grief. D'you know
who's backing him in this,
only the Driscoll Brothers
that's all. Have you heard
of 'em?
Rodney
No.
Del
No. Well let's hope they
haven't heard of you. Now
I'm gonna see if I can
save your knees and make
sure they stay in the same
place.
(Produces the tape)
Now I'm stuffing this down
the khazi, you stay there.
Rodney
Del, I promise nothing like
this will ever happen again -
I promise.
Del exits, Mickey enters.
Mickey
Hello Rodney? Alright for a
cup of coffee??
Rodney
Oh yes, do come in Mickey.
Mickey
I brought a few friends with
me.
Amanda, another girl and a big bloke enter.
Rodney
Oh yes.
Del enters.
Del
Pearcie! I want a ruddy word
with you. You wait.
They run out, Del chases.
The telephone rings. Rodney answers it.
Rodney
Hello? Oh Mr Stevens, hi!
Yeah, yeah and have you had a
chance to read it? Great.
Well what do you think? And
please be truthfully blunt
with me. Okay, yes, ah ha!
Yes well that's truthfully
blunt innit Mr Stevens. Yes,
there are a lot of characters
in it, yes, but all vital to
the theme I thought. Yes,
well, I actually wanted to
write a film that not only
dealt with the contemporary
issues but also challenged
some of the more widely held
beliefs of modern youth! No,
that is no problem because my
brother knows where he can
get us a rhino, yeah!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.