THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is seated at the table feeling hung-over. He
sips his coffee. He touches his aching temples gently.
Rodney
(Moaning)
Bloody hell!
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a teapot and
a kipper on a plate.
Albert
(Shouts)
D-E-L!
Rodney
Why don't you just get a
megaphone and finish me off
quickly!
Albert
Now you know how I felt last
night, I was fast akip I
was, when you come in my
room and made that horrible
noise in my ear!
Rodney
Yes, sorry.
Albert
That could've killed me!
Rodney
D'you reckon?
Albert
Where d'you get that trumpet
from anyway?
Rodney
What trumpet?
Albert
I felt my heart go all funny.
In my unconscious state I
thought it was the abandon
ship alarm!
Rodney
Oh yeah, thought they was
playing your tune did you?
Albert
Yes, that's all very well
innit. You could at least
say sorry!
Rodney
I am sorry, now can we drop
the matter?
Albert
Charming innit. Fight and
die for your country, and
this is the thanks the
younger generation gives
yer.
Rodney
I'm sorry!
Albert
So, what was it all about
last night then?
Rodney
Well, me and Del, it's just
we'd had a right blinding
week, I mean we were
selling it before we'd
bought it, so we had a bit
of a celebration, right.
Anyway, I went down the
Nag's Head and, of course,
Friday night is disco
night innit? And I met
this bird - Helen. Oh,
she's really something
else. I mean, she's tall,
she's slender, bit older
than me, but you know,
I've been brought up to
respect me elders.
Albert
Was it her trumpet?
Rodney
I don't know! I don't
remember having a bloody
trumpet. Anyway, listen
right, you've gotta see this
bird, she really is the
works. You know, everyone
in the pub was looking at
me, they was as jealous as
hell. Do you know who she
looks like? She looks like
that Linda Evans out of
Dynasty.
Albert
Which one's that, Joan
Collins?
Rodney
How can bloody Linda Evans
be Joan Collins? It's Linda
Evans, you know, she plays
Krystal Carrington!
Albert
Oh her, that's a bit tasty
innit son?
Rodney
Yeah, and she's got the
right hots for your's
truly. I have struck gold,
son.
Albert
Well, good luck to you boy.
(Yells)
D-E-L!
Del enters.
Del
Right, alright, you mouthy
old git! What d'you think I
am, mutton or something?
Gawd blimey, eh? Oi,
Rodney, you were a bit
steaming when you come in
last night, weren't you, eh?
Rodney
Yeah, well I had something
to celebrate didn't I.
Del
Yeah, what, you finally got
shot of it then, did ya?
Rodney
What?
Del
Well, you know, that old
dog who was hanging round
you last night.
Rodney
'Old dog?' What d'you mean,
'old dog?'
Del
She was - she was a bit
scraggy weren't she. Blimey,
she must have been six foot
six!
Rodney
Well yeah, she was tallish.
Del
Tallish? Blimey, not many
birds call you shortie do
they hey?
Albert
(Laughing)
He told me she looked like
Krystle Carrington.
Del
Krystal Carrington? Crystal
bleedin' Palace more like
from where I was standing!
Rodney
Derek, you do not even know
the girl.
Del
Yes I do, course I do. Her
name was Helen, right?
Rodney
...No.
Del
Oh yes it was. 'Cos I know,
'cos they call her Helen of
Croydon. The face that
launched a thousand dredgers.
Albert
(Laughing)
I'll do you a bit of break-
fast Del.
Del
No, leave me out Albert.
I've got a bit of business
to do. No, it's alright.
Rodney
I tell you what, I could do
with a bit of egg and bacon
now.
Albert
Yeah, well, give Helen of
Croydon a bell!
Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney
The rotten old git!
Rodney takes Del's after-shave and sprinkles it over
Albert's kipper.
Del
Oi, oi, don't waste it,
what's the matter with yer?
Give us it.
Rodney
Well, it's the way he treats
me innit, him giving me all
that just 'cos I woke him
up. So, er, I had a trumpet
with me when I came in last
night?
Del
Oh yeah, that's right.
Belongs to Biffo the bear,
his group were playing at
the Nag's last night, don't
you remember?
Rodney
What's he lend it to me for?
Del
He didn't did he? Don't you
remember, you were so out of
your mind at one point last
night you went on the stage,
took his trumpet off him,
blew down the wrong end,
gave him the V-sign and
walked out with it.
Rodney
Bloody hell, he's a big
bloke an' all ain't he?
Del
And he ain't 'alf in a bad
mood an' all.
Rodney
Why?
Del
Well, you won't believe
this, some dozy git nicked
his trumpet!
Rodney
I'll get it back to him
today, hey, I'll buy him a
drink or something.
Del
Yeah, well, you've got the
morning off, 'cos, you know,
I'm busy.
Rodney
Where you going?
Del
I'm goin' to church.
Rodney
(Laughs)
No, come on, where you going?
Del
I am going to church.
Rodney
Why?
Del
Why not? See you later.
Del exits. Rodney is dumbfound4ed. Albert enters from
the kitchen.
Albert
Del gone?
Rodney
He's gone to church!
Albert
Church? Del Boy?
Rodney
Yeah!
Albert
That's funny you know, 'cos
he came in from the pub
last night, had a couple of
pina coladas and started
talking to me about
religion. He asked me if I
believed God saw everything
- and, if so, did he take
notes. I've seen blokes
catch religion before, it's
always very sudden like.
Rodney moves to the sideboard and searches through a
drawer.
Rodney
It's gone.
Albert
What's gone?
Rodney
His Cliff Richard cassette.
Albert
Ah, it's most probably no-
thing son. Maybe he feels
the need of a bit of
spiritual guidance.
Rodney
Del? Yeah, maybe you're
right Uncle.
Albert
Of course I am. I mean, I
couldn't honestly see Del
Boy becoming one of yer
Burning Bush and Joshua at
the battle of Jericho mob,
could you?
Rodney
No, what Del? With the...No
of course not! Hey, talking
of Joshua, where's that
trumpet?
Albert
I chucked it down the dust
chute.
Rodney
You did what? That ain't
mine, it's Biffo's! He'll
mangle my head!
Albert
Well it'll teach you not
to blow it in my ear 'ole
won't it.
Rodney
Oh, you dopey little git.
Rodney rushes to the hall and exits. Albert is laughing.
He takes a bite of his kipper and almost chokes on it.
DUST CHUTE.
Rodney is in a giant bin ferreting through the garbage.
Rodney
Where is it? It can't be
that far down, he only
chucked it out this
morning. Ugh, oh God!
Who'd chuck something
like that down a chute?
Pigs.
From beneath a pile of rubbish he pulls out the twisted
trumpet.
Rodney (Cont'd)
I don't believe it. I don't
believe it. How can I give
it back to Biffo? He's
bound to notice. Albert! I
hate you Albert! Albert!
There is a low rumbling sound. Rodney is puzzled. He
looks up and gunge hits him straight in the face.
HALL OF CHURCH.
Del enters puffing on a Castella. He walks slowly
down the aisle, footsteps echoing. In front of him is
a large gold crucifix. Del bows his head respectfully
and tries to do a sign of the cross, but it comes out
more like tic-tac.
Del
Shop!
Father O'Keith
(OOV)
I'll be with you in just a
moment!
Del
(Calls)
Right you are, thank you.
CONFESSIONALS.
Del enters the confessionals. Father O'Keith enters
the hall from the back of the church. He surveys the
hall for the visitor. He limps across the hall to
the confessionals and enters.
Father O'Keith
Flaming corns, they've been
the bane of my life.
Cigar smoke billows between the two booths.
Father O'Keith (Cont'd)
Is that you Del Boy?
Del
Yes Father, it's me.
Father O'Keith
I thought as much! So, how
are you these days?
Del
Well, you know, struggling.
How's yourself?
Father O'Keith
Oh, the corns are still
giving me gip.
Del
I've got some lovely ortho-
paedic sandals coming
along. I'll pop a pair into
you.
Father O'Keith
Thanks Derek. So, to what
do I owe the honour?
Del
I have come to confess my
sins.
Father O'Keith
(Checks watch)
Oh Derek please.. I've been
invited out to dinner this
evening.
Del
Well, it's just one main sin
really.
Father O'Keith
Oh thanks be to God for that.
Wait a minute. I didn't know
you were Catholic.
Del
Eh? Well, I don't know do I?
I don't know that. I was
only a kid, but me mum was
Catholic.
Father O'Keith
I know that, I married her
here in this church. You're
father wasn't Catholic.
Del
No, he was a black magic
man I think.
Father O'Keith
Have you ever been to this
church before?
Del
Well of course I have, when
me mum and dad got married.
Father O'Keith
You were just a little baby
then! I mean have you ever
been to this church since
then?
Del
Er, no.
Father O'Keith
Del, my boy, you disappoint
me.
Del
I watched The Ten Command-
ments on the telly. Look
Father, I don't wanna get up
there on Judgement Day and
find out that I'm on the
hit list. I mean, God sees
everything doesn't he?
Father O'Keith
Look Derek, this is not the
God'll Fix it Show.
Forgiveness is only for
those who feel shame and
remorse.
Del
I do feel shame and remorse.
Father, does it matter what
religion I am?
Father O'Keith
Well, I don't know that
you're not a Catholic, do
I?
Del
That's the spirit, you know
it makes sense.
Father O'Keith
Alright, fire away Del.
But the truth mind you, I
don't want you lying in
my confessionals.
Del
Would I lie to you? Well,
about a week ago I bought
some gear off a couple of
gentlemen. I bought it
in good faith, honest I
did. The thing is last
night I found out there
was more to it than meets
the eye. I didn't know,
honest I didn't. I mean,
I was led like an
artificial lamb to the
slaughter. If I'd of
known the full SP I would
never have taken it on,
honest I wouldn't. But
you don't ask do you?
Father O'Keith
Well, you don't Del.
Del
I didn't think I needed to
ask, Father, I trusted
these two gentlemen. I
believed that they were
both honest and upstanding
citizens of our community.
Father O'Keith
Who were these men?
Del
Sunglasses Ron and Paddy
the Greek.
Father O'Keith
Well, you can't get them
more honest and upstanding
than them two. I'll give
you a choice of penance.
You can either say five
Hail Mary's and ten Our
Fathers or make a little
donation to the hospice
fund?
Del
Will a score be alright?
They exit from the confessionals.
Del
Is that it then. All squared?
Father O'Keith
Your sins have been absol-
ved Del.
Del
No, no Father, I wanted to
be forgiven.
Father O'Keith
You have been forgiven.
Del
Oh, cushty. So what's the
fund for then Father? Are
they building a new
extension to the hospice
or what?
Father O'Keith
I wish they were Del. No,
unfortunately they're
demolishing it.
Del
Eh? But why? That's been
there for years and years.
Father O'Keith
Ah, that's the problem.
Over the years it's become
dilapidated. They've
estimated it'll cost a
quarter of a million to
repair it, that's what the
fund's for. But, I'm
grieved to say, we've got
little or no chance of
reaching our target.
Del
Wait a minute, maybe we
could organise a charity
darts match for you at the
Nag's Head. How much more
money d'you need?
Father O'Keith
One hundred and eighty-five
thousand pounds.
Del
Say I threw a raffle in an'
all, eh?
Father O'Keith
It's very, very kind of you
Del, and I do appreciate
it. But I really think this
is one battle that we've
lost.
Del
They can't knock it down.
What's gonna happen to all
the old and the sick
people living there?
Father O'Keith
Well, they'll move them
out first.
Del
I know, I know that. But I
mean, to where?
Father O'Keith
Who knows? They'll probably
be disbursed to the four
quarters of the metropolis,
far away from their friends
and relatives. I mean,
they're all local people in
St Mary's.
Del
Yeah, I know, they looked
after my old Mum you know,
when she was ill.
Father O'Keith
So they did.
Del
Treated her well an' all.
And my Grandad - bless him,
he used to moan at 'em a
lot. No, they can't knock
it down! Can they?
Father O'Keith
Well, it's out of our hands,
look I'll be honest with you
Del. For the past six or
seven months, since I first
heard of the plans for the
hospice, my faith has been
tested. All my efforts and
prayers have failed. You
know, I feel as if I've let
the people down.
Del
Now come on, come on, don't
talk like that Father. Come
on, something'll turn up.
Remember the old saying? He
who dares wins.
Father O'Keith
Well, I'll bear it in mind.
Say a prayer for me Del.
Del
Yeah, I will.
Del walks off up the aisle. Father O'Keith bows to the
crucifix. He is about to blow the candle out when his
attention is drawn to something. At first he is
puzzled, but when he looks closer his expression turns
to one of awe.
Father O'Keith
Sweet Jesus! Derek!
Del, at the far end of the hall is about to put some
money in the box.
Del
I'm putting it in, I'm put-
ting it in!
Father O'Keith
Come and see this, hurry!
He runs down the aisle.
Del
What is it?
Father O'Keith
Look! It's a miracle!
Del looks in the direction indicated. The statue of
the Virgin and Child is weeping. From the corner of
it's right eye a tear is running down it's cheek. Del
and Father O'Keith look at each other open-mouthed.
A second tear falls.
Del
Yeah, don't get many of them
round Peckham.
Father O'Keith
It's a sign Del.
Del
Yeah, it's a sign that we
can make a fortune!
Father O'Keith
What?
Del
Can't you see what we've got
ourselves? An authentic,
delux miracle. They go for
a bomb these days.
Father O'Keith
How can you talk about money
at a time like this?
Del
Well, what d'you wanna talk
about, yer holidays? Don't
you see the opportunity
you're being presented with
here? People will pay hard
cash just to see this sort
of thing.
Father O'Keith
Look, I have no intention
of turning my church into
some fairground peep show.
And how could I charge my
own flock to see their
miracle?
Del
I'm not talking about your
flock. I'm talking about
the newspapers, the
magazines, the television!
The media people will pay
through their noses just
to get this sort of thing
on their front pages!
Father O'Keith
I don't know if it's right
Derek.
Del
See those old people down
at St Mary's hospice,
they'd think it right
wouldn't they? Listen to
me, with the money you
could earn out of this,
you could have that place
repaired, redecorated and
get Samantha Fox to re-
open it for yer!
Father O'Keith
D'you really think we could?
Del
Yeah of course. I mean she
don't come cheap, but I'll
see what I can do.
Father O'Keith
No, I mean save the hospice?
Del
Of course, of course we can.
It'll be a doddle. Where's
your phone? It's alright,
I'll find it, you stay
here.
Father O'Keith
(Calls)
I don't think I could
exploit...
Del
No, you couldn't Father,
but I'm shit hot at it!
TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert is watching TV. Rodney is wearing a dressing
gown. He is holding the bent trumpet.
Rodney thrusts it in Albert's face.
Rodney
Look at it! Just look at it
will you!
Albert
Get it away from me.
Rodney
What am I supposed to tell
Biffo? I let Yuri Geller
have a go on it!
Albert
Tell him what you want son,
ain't my problem.
Rodney
And you chucked all that
rubbish down the chute know-
ing that I was at the
bottom! I've had to have a
shower and everything.
Albert
I didn't chuck the rubbish
down the chute. It must have
been one of the neighbours.
Rodney
I found your kipper.
Albert
It could have been anyone's
kipper.
Rodney
Oh yeah, and how many
kippers wear Brut?
Albert
Is that what that horrible
taste was?
Rodney
Yeah.
Albert
You sprinkled it with after
-shave?
Rodney
Yeah, to get even with you.
Albert
I wish I hadn't told you
where your trumpet was now.
Rodney
So do I actually.
The telephone rings. Rodney answers it.
Rodney (Cont'd)
Hold that. Hello. Del, you
wanna see what Rumplestilt-
skin's done to this
trumpet, he's only gone
and chucked it...Oh,
sorry! What'd you mean,
phone Reuters? You've seen
a what?
(Laughs)
What happened, did Boycie
buy a round? Alright,
alright, keep your hair on!
Yeah, bloody hell, hold
on...
(Making a note
on a pad)
Yeah, right, ok - Reuters,
Tass, the Peckham Echo...Oh
right, BBC...ITV...Right,
what about channel Four? Oh
no, right ok.
(Rubbing out
Channel Four)
Yeah, I've got it all, it's
all here mate. Yeah, take
care, I'll see you later on,
see ya. Bye.
(To Albert)
He's flipped. He's complete-
ly bloody loopy!
Albert
Why, what's happened?
Rodney
He's seen a miracle.
Albert
A miracle?
Rodney
Well, that's what the man
said. Hang on a minute. Last
night he was talking about
God. This morning he went to
church, this afternoon he's
seen a miracle. It can only
mean one thing.
Albert
He's caught religion.
Rodney
No, he's pulling a stroke
ain't he? Oh, come on, think
about it. There are
Cardinals and Archbishops -
they've been in the business
all their lives and never
got a sniff of a miracle.
Then along comes Del, he's
in the game five minutes and
already he's a prophet.
Profit being the operative
word! How's he gonna make
money out of the church?
Albert
He's got that consignment of
orthopedic sandals coming
soon.
Rodney
Yeah, so what?
Albert
Well, maybe he’s got the
franchise on the monastery.
Rodney
Maybe.
THE MAIN HALL OF CHURCH
Three days later. Facing the statue are a BBC news
camera and an ITN news camera. A number of
photographers and reporters are sitting around on
the pews. A rather embarrassed Father O'Keith
approaches Del.
Father O'Keith
Nothing's happening Del.
They've been waiting for
three days, and nothing's
happened.
Del
Na, na. Yeah, I know, 'ere
Father, have a look at
these contracts. I worked
them out in such a way that
if they want to sell any of
the photos or the film of
the miracle anywhere else
in the world, they've got
to pay you again, look see.
Father O'Keith
You've made them sign
contracts?
Del
Of course I have, it's
business innit? No poppy,
no picture, that's my motto.
Father O'Keith
But what happens if the
miracle doesn't occur again?
Del
Well, we give 'em their
money back, I suppose. But
don't worry, don't worry. I
always get this feeling
when the miracle's due and
I've got a feeling it could
be pretty son too.
Father O'Keith
Well, I hope you're right.
Del
Trust me, trust me.
Rodney and Albert enter and approach Del.
Rodney
No luck?
Del
You know, 'ere take a butch-
ers at that will ya.
Rodney
(Looking at
contract)
They're paying you all that
money?
Del
Well, it's not every day
that they get a chance to
see a miracle is it, eh?
And that's just the
British media, you wait
till the rest of the
world's press gets here.
Albert
Look at all these noughts
Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah.
Albert
You can see his game now
can't yer?
Del
What are you talking about?
Albert
You're gonna cream some off
ain't yer?
Del
Now you listen to me Albert,
I am not the kind of bloke
who cheats on the sick and
the elderly. You put your
peepers down there, you'll
see that all cheques are
made payable to St Mary's
hospice fund!
Albert
Sorry son.
Del
That's alright. I simply
want to keep that place
open, and you'd better
pray I succeed!
Albert
Why?
Del
'Cos one more crack out of
you and you're gonna be
their next client!
One of the cameramen calls out.
Man
David, look at this will
you!
All the press pack rush forward. The statue begins
weeping. Del gives Father O'Keith a wink. Del and
Albert are dumbfounded by the miracle.
MAIN HALL OF CHURCH.
Two days later. Word has spread around the world. Camera
crews have arrived from all countries. Del and Rodney
are studying another batch of contracts.
Del
(Referring to
contract)
Take a look at that one
Rodney.
INT. CHURCH. LATER ON.
Another camera crew enters.
Aus
G'day, Australian Broad-
casting.
Del
G'day to you. Sign that pal.
Aus
Well what is it?
Del
That tells you how much
you've gotta pay to take
pictures of the finest
little miracle this side of
Heaven.
Aus
(Reading)
Struth! Stone the crows!
Del
I tell you what we're gonna
do, while we're waiting,
save us getting bored,
we're gonna have another
little collection. Alright,
there we go, come on, thank
you very much. Come on
everybody, now let's dig
deeply for the poor and
needy. No coins please,
because it scratches the
pewter. Thank you, and you,
danke schon, merci bo-coo.
Thank you.
As Del collects the money, the 'miracle' occurs once
more.
Del (Cont'd)
Hello, now they're off and
running!
Aus
Get that camera over here.
Del
Just a minute, just a minute.
Have you signed that contract
please? Thank you. Oi mind
the camera there will yer?
Thank you very much. There
you are Rodney, it's done, my
son.
Father O'Keith
This is the happiest day in
my life.
Del
Yeah, I know what you mean
Father. It's rien ne va plus
as the French would say...
Where's the brolly?
EXT. DAY. THE CHURCH.
It is raining. Del exits followed by Rodney. The Aussie
approaches and hands him a piece of paper.
Aus
Sign that will you.
Del
(Thinking it's
an autograph)
Oh yeah, sure, who's it for
then, the wife or the kids?
Aus
That's a receipt for all
the collections.
Del
Hey, oh right.
Man
Oi Bruce!
Del
Why are they all called
Bruce?
An American interviewer approaches.
Interviewer
Mr Trotter?
Del
Yes?
Interviewer
Sandra Cox, NBC, New York.
Father O'Keith told me that
you actually prophesied the
miracles.
Del
Um, yes, this is true,
that's me.
Interviewer
I wonder if we might have a
short interview for our
viewers over in the States?
Del
Yes, of course.
(Calls)
Make-up? Is there some make
-up there?
MAIN HALL OF CHURCH.
Father O'Keith is alone in the church. Albert wakes up
from sleeping on one of the pews.
Albert
Everyone gone?
Father O'Keith
Oh, yes, yes they have all
they need. And so do we.
All thanks to your nephew.
Albert
Yeah, he brought you nothing
but luck, didn't he?
Father O'Keith
Unfortunately he also brings
the weather with him. Every
time he's prophesied the
miracle it's been pouring
with rain.
They share a grin. Father O'Keith climbs a small plinth
and looks just above the statue. Water drips down from
a wooden beam just inches above the statue's head.
Father O'Keith is horrified.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH.
Del is being interviewed.
Interviewer
And what form do these
'divine' messages take?
Del
Well, what happens is that I
get this strange sort of
feeling from the centre of
my body. At first, I thought
it was a dodgy mutton tikka.
Then I realised I was in
fact a prophet. Many are
called, but I'm afraid, few
are chosen. I do not want
any reward for the work I
have done for the elderly
and sick in the community.
No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel
Prizes. No, I would like to
think, however, if there is
enough money left after
repairing the hospice that
they might build a new wing
and perhaps name it after
me. This would...
Father O'Keith appears behind Del, grabs him by the
collar and drags him inside.
Del (Cont'd)
Thank you.
Father O'Keith
Come with me!
Rodney
Sorry viewers, the Lord's
work calls. Rodney Trotter
signing off.
Interviewer
Oh, cut.
BELFY.
Great shafts of light are coming through the roof.
Footsteps can be heard coming up the stairs. The door
opens and the Father, Del and Rodney enter.
Del
Alright, it's a bit dirty up
here, innit? Don't shove,
don't shove.
Father O'Keith
Look at my roof!
One side of the roof is missing tiles and lead. There
are just rafters and open skies. The rain is pouring
in.
Rodney
Bloody hell! Sorry.
Father O'Keith
And look! The water seeping
through the floor across
the joist onto the lamp and
right onto the statue. This
isn't a miracle, it's a
flaming leak!
Del
Oh, that's a turn-up, innit?
Father O'Keith
Somebody's stolen the lead.
Del
You can't trust anyone
these days can you, eh?
Rodney
No, wait, you're in luck,
because we've got a load of
lead in our ga...rage.
(To Del)
I don't believe you!
Father O'Keith
So this is what you bought
off Sunglasses Ron and
Paddy the Greek isn't it?
Del
I didn't know at the time,
otherwise I wouldn't have
touched it. That's what I
come to tell you.
Father O'Keith
But you didn't tell me.
Del
No, I'm not a grass, am I?
Father O'Keith
You knew all along it was no
miracle, you weren't
receiving divine messages,
you were listening to the
weather forecast!
Del
Yeah, we saved St Mary's
though, didn't we.
Father O'Keith
Derek, look me in the eyes!
Are you telling me that
for the sake of some small,
decrepit old building, you
created this whole tissue
of lies and deceit? You
deliberately and willingly
set out to defraud all
those newspapers and
television companies out
of thousands and thousands
of pounds? Is that what
you're telling me?
Del and Rodney both have their heads bowed. Del nods.
Father O'Keith places his hands on Del's head.
Father O'Keith
God bless you my son!
STREET.
Del and Rodney walk in front of the church.
Del
I was gonna do some lecture
tours, organise prayer
meetings at Wembley you
know, something like that!
This time next year we was
gonna be millionaires!
Rodney
This time next year you'd
have been a prison inmate
unless you watch your step!
If I was you Derek, I would
keep a very low profile.
Journalists
Thanks, cheers pal. Thanks
for your help.
Del and Rodney, with their heads down, mumble replies.
Each journalist shakes their hands and let go. Rodney
with his head down, has shaken two hands, but the
third doesn't let go. Rodney is puzzled and looks up.
He is staring into the face of a very tough looking
guy. It is Biffo.
Biffo
Where's my trumpet?
Rodney
Oh hello, Biffo, how are
you?
Biffo
Where's my trumpet?
Rodney
Your trumpet. Yeah, there's
been a bit of a hitch on the
old trumpet front, mate.
(Indicating Albert)
See that old man there?
Biffo turns and Rodney legs it.
Biffo
(Calls)
Oi! Where's my trumpet?
Albert
(To Del)
Ain't you gonna do something?
Del
Yeah, course I am!
(Calls to Film
crews)
Oi, do you want to film some
authentic inner city
violence? Come on, bring yer
cameras, bring your wallets.
(Calling up
the road)
Hold on Rodders, not so fast!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.