NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is seated at the table reading a newspaper. Albert
is near the colour TV and is moving the aerial around
trying to get a picture. Del is on the phone.
Del
No, no, no, no, everything's
cushty! Yeah, no, no, no,
you've got nothing to worry
about. You know me, I'll do
anyone a favour if the money's
right, yeah.
Albert
(To Rodney)
You have to interfere don't
yer?
Rodney
I was merely trying to get a
picture for yer!
Albert
I had a picture till you come
in and started mucking around
with the aerial!
Rodney
There was a ghost on the
screen!
Albert
Course there was a ghost on the
screen - I was watching an
'orror film! Just leave things
alone will yer Rodney!
Rodney
D'you realise there are nigh on
four million people unemployed
in this country! And all you
can do is sit there and watch
horror films!
Albert
What would you like me to do?
Rodney
Well...You could at least think
about it!
Albert
I've been thinking about it,
that's why I want to watch the
horror film.
Del
Oi, 'old on, shut up you two
will yer, I'm on the blower.
Yes, sorry, go on.
Rodney
Course I blame it on computers!
I mean, how many people have
been put on the dole by robots
that can build cars and what
ave yer? That's why I'll never
get a proper job! 'Cos they
can train a robot to do some-
thing better than I can!
Albert
(Mumbling)
They could train a chimpanzee
to do it better than you!
Del
Yeah, okay, I'll see yer
tomorrow morning about eleven
o'clock.
(Putting receiver
down)
Yeah, cheers. That's it Rodney.
I've got a coup. I've pulled
off a coup Rodders, a genuine
coup.
Rodney
Oh, not another coup! What you
done this time?
Del
We have got a guest coming to
stay for the next couple of
weeks. A paying guest!
Albert
Yeah? Who's that then Del?
Del
It's not 'who' it's 'what'.
Rodney
What?
Del
Exactly, it's a dog! And I
don't want any of your smart
remarks either. It's Boycie's
and Marlene's puppy! They're
going away on holiday tomorrow
and they want us to look after
it.
Rodney
Why don't they just stick it
in kennels?
Del
You see Marlene don't trust
'em! See, the thing is Rodney,
for the last few years Boycie
and Marlene have been trying
to start a family right, but
so far, as they say on the
continent, nito!
Rodney
So what's this gotta do with
their dog?
Del
Marlene started getting broody,
right, so did Boycie. He goes
and buys her a little puppy. I
mean pukka thing you know,
it's got a pedigree. Cost him
600 quid, 600 quid. Well I
said to him, I said, you know
Boycie, I mean if you'd have
come to see me like, I could
have got you one much cheaper.
Rodney
Cheaper like, you know what I
mean?
Del
Anyway, Marlene right, she
thinks that this puppy is her
baby now, you know what I
mean, and she don't want her
baby put in some muddy old
kennels. She wants it to
receive personal attention!
The sort that we can provide!
For 60 quid a week!
Rodney
60 quid a week?? Del, we don't
know nothing about it! I mean,
canine welfare, right, that's
a specialised profession.
Del
Oh leave it out Rodney! I mean
look all you've gotta do is
feed it in the morning, right,
take it for a walk across the
adventure playground and Bob's
yer uncle!
Rodney
And what if Boycie and Marlene
find out?
Albert
We'll have to swear the dog to
secrecy won't we!
Rodney
I meant, what happens if one
of the neighbours tell them?
Del
So what are they gonna say?
'We saw Rodney taking your dog
every morning and every
evening for a walk!' Well
what's wrong with that? That's
exactly what Boycie and
Marlene want us to do innit,
eh?
Del exits into the kitchen.
Rodney
What do you mean they saw
Rodney taking the dog for a
walk every morning and every
night?
Del
(OOV)
It's just a figure of speech
that's all Rodders.
Rodney
Oh no it ain't a figure of
speech. I know your games Derek
Trotter.
Del
No leave it out.
EXT. DAY. BOYCIE'S HOUSE.
Boycie's Merc with the boot open is parked in the drive.
Boycie exits from the house carrying a couple of suit-
cases. Boycie puts a case in the boot and checks his
watch. He bends into the boot as Del pulls up and gives
a blast on his horn. Boycie leaps up in surprise and
whacks his head on the boot. Del and Rodney alight
stifling laughter.
Boycie
I'll have a headache for the
entire flight now! You were
supposed to be here 'alf an
hour ago!
Del
No, no, we're on time Boycie!
There must be something wrong
with your watch! 'Ere, don't
wanna buy a decent one do you?
Boycie
What from you?? You must be
joking!
Marlene exits from the house. She is a dapper little
cockney woman.
Del
Why listen...Hello Marlene my
love!
Marlene
Hello sweetheart!
Del touches her up as they kiss each other.
Del
Wohoo!
Marlene
Did you have a nice Christmas?
Del
Oh triffic yeah.
Marlene
I had a dog!
Rodney
Yeah, we had a turkey same as
every other year!
Marlene
Oh yeah! Honestly, you two are
as bad as each other! Woho!
Del touches her up again.
Marlene
Derek!!
Boycie
Marlene, why don't you go an'
get the dog then perhaps we
can get going!
Marlene
Yeah alright, I'll fetch his
food as well.
Marlene exits into the house.
Boycie
I don't like your lipstick Del.
Del
What?
Del brushes off Marlene's lipstick from his face.
Rodney
So where you off to Boycie?
Boycie
Oh, we're just off for a couple
of weeks in the Seychelles! You
ever been to the Seychelles
have you?
Del
Dunno. Have we ever been to the
Seychelles Rodney?
Rodney
I'd have to check me passport.
Boycie
Now are you sure you'll be able
to look after this dog?
Del
Of course I will!
Rodney
Yeah, oh yeah, Del's had lots
of experience!
Boycie
Right remember, this is not
just a dog. This is Marlene's
baby! Sometimes I wish I'd
never bought it.
Marlene exits from the house with a Great Dane on a leash.
She is struggling to hold the dog back. She also carries a
large hold-all.
Del
You didn't tell me it was a
Great Dane!
Boycie
Didn't I? Must have slipped my
mind!
Rodney
I thought it was a puppy!
Boycie
He is!
Del
Gordon Bennett!
Marlene
Duke, this is your Uncle Del
and Rodney...
Duke barks.
Marlene (cont'd)
He's lovely ain't he?
Del
Triffic!
Marlene
Take him for walkies first
thing in the morning, once in
the evening and then again last
thing at night. When it's his
bedtime you put a blanket over
him and then you talk to him
for a while.
Del
You don't want us to bring his
wind up?
Marlene
No, he should be alright! And
don't worry, he's house-
trained.
Rodney
But we live in a flat!
She opens the hold-all to reveal huge steaks, etc.
Marlene
In here his vitamin pills. One
in the morning, before break-
fast, not after!
Boycie
We've got a plane to catch
Marlene! Come on, kiss him
goodbye.
Marlene
Bye Del, see you soon.
She kisses Del.
Boycie
For Gawd's sake, the dog
Marlene!
Marlene
Bye-bye my little bubba-luba!
I know Dooky's gonna miss his
Mummy, and Mummy's gonna miss
her little Dookie-Wookie
Wookie.
Boycie
Makes you wanna throw up don't
it?
Del
Yeah, I feel a bit Tom and Dick
myself!
Marlene leads the dog to the back of the van. The dog
leaps into the back.
Boycie
Come on Marlene, we're gonna
miss that plane!
Marlene
If he bites you, don't scream
- he's highly strung!
Rodney
Is it alright if we bleed?
Marlene
Oh he doesn't sink his teeth
in. He's only playing! Bye-bye,
bye-bye DookyWookie.
(To Boycie)
Did you switch everything off?
Boycie
Yes!
Marlene
Did you lock everything up?
Boycie
Get in the car!
Boycie and Marlene pull away. Del and Rodney look at
each other. They look at the van, which is rocking as
Duke moves around inside.
Del
Well go 'n then Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
Jump in!
Rodney
After you Del!
Del
I've got to get the food!
Rodney
I don't mind waiting!
Del picks up the hold-all.
Del
Here look at this Rodders.
Steak, fillet steaks, chicken
breasts, veal escallops! We're
gonna eat well for the next
week or so.
Rodney
It's supposed to be for the
dog!
Del
You must be joking! That
thing's gonna get a bowl of
Kennomeat every day and think
itself lucky.
Rodney
And what happens if Marlene
finds out?
Del
And how's she gonna find out?
I suppose Duke's gonna grass
us up is he?
Del climbs into the driver's seat.
Del
Come on Rodney! Here you re,
do some work for a living.
Rodney gingerly climbs in. There is a menacing growl.
Rodney
That dog don't like me!
Del
He's alright, he can smell fear!
Rodney
I'm surprised he can smell
anything at all with that gallon
of Brut you're wearing!
Del
Come on.
DAY. A PUBLIC PARK. NEXT DAY.
The van pulls up. Del and Rodney alight.
Del
Your turn today Rodney.
Rodney
It was my turn yesterday.
Del
Go on Rodney, take him for a
run.
Rodney moves to the back of the van. Del wanders off
puffing a cigar.
Rodney
Duke. Duke, here you are then.
Come on, up you get old boy!
Come on look...look...look
ready Duke!
Rodney shows the dog an old tennis ball and throws it.
He repeats it with another ball.
Rodney (cont'd)
Duke come on shake a leg!
Duke is lying flat out in the back of the van with no
sign of life.
Rodney (cont'd)
(Fearful)
Duke!!
Del is approaching an attractive woman who is walking a
Dachshund.
Del
Hello, he's nice, how long you
had him? Or has he always been
that length? I'm a Great Dane
man meself!
Young Lady
Really?
Del
Won Crufts two years on the
trot!
Young Lady
Really?
Del
Oh yeah, you might have seen
me on the Chum advert?
Young Lady
I can't say that I actually
have!
Del
Oh yes. Nothing I don't know
about dogs. You want any advice,
you know I'm yer man.
Young Lady
Well, Sacha keeps tearing
little holes in my carpet. What
would you recommend.
Del
A new carpet! As it happens I
know this little bloke down in
Wapping Way, he'll fit you up
a treat! He's Iranian but he's
got contracts in Persia!
Rodney approaches, shouting.
Rodney
Del! Del!
Del
Ah, here's my trainer! What is
it Rodney?
Rodney
I don't wanna worry you but I
think the dog's dead!
Del is stunned.
Rodney (cont'd)
Let me re-phrase it shall I?
I don't wanna worry you but I
think the dog is dead! Now
come on!
Del
(To young woman)
You just can't get the staff
these days!
They set off running.
Del
What have you done to it you
dipstick?
Rodney
I ain't touched it!
Del
This is a wonderful turn of
events this is! Boycie and
Marlene ain't even got the top
of their sun tan oil and we're
burying their dog!
They arrive at the van.
Rodney
Look!
Del
Come on Duke boy! Cats! Cats!
Meow. No, he ain't dead
Rodney, he's breathing look!
Rodney
Thank Gawd for that! So what's
the matter with him?
Del
Well I don't know do I? We'd
better get him down a vet's!
This is gonna cost an arm and
a leg this is!
Rodney notices the two tennis balls that he threw earlier
as he is about to climb into the van.
Rodney
Oi Del, shall I get his balls?
Del
You leave him alone! I don't
want him waking up in a temper!
DAY. WAITING ROOM OF VETERINARY CLINIC.
Del and Rodney are the only people in the room. After a
few seconds, Rodney gives an ironic laugh.
Del
What?
Rodney
I was just thinking, that's
all, Marlene's tried for all
these years to have a baby and
failed. When you tell her her
Dookie-Wookie's croaked it
she'll have twins!
Del
He is not dead!
Rodney
He ain't chasing many cats
though is he?
Del
Look, maybe this is normal!
Rodney
Normal? Del, what you tryin'
tell me? Dogs hibernate or
something?
Del
No, what I mean is. I mean is
I mean...Oh I don't know what
I mean do I! All I want you to
know is something. I ain't
blaming you!
Rodney
What d' you mean you're not
blaming me? I ain't done
nothing!
Del
That's why I'm not blaming you!
But...When you put Duke in the
back of the van you didn't
catch his head when you slammed
the door?
Rodney
No I didn't!
Del
Are you sure?
Rodney
Del, if you catch a Great
Dane's head in a door, you know
you've caught a Great Dane's
head in a door!
Del
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Rodney
I'll tell you who's to blame
for this. Uncle Albert!
Del
Why, what did he do?
Rodney
He didn't do nothing, he's
just a jinx!
Del
Oh don't start all that again
Rodney!
Rodney
I've said it before, I'll say
it again. That man is a right
Jonah! They reckon when he
boarded his lat ship the crew
shot an albatross for luck!
Del
Will you stop going on about
bloody Albert!
Rodney
Well it's a bit of a coincid-
ence though innit Del? I mean,
yesterday we pick up a
perfectly health dog. One
night in the flat and
'wallop', the curse of the
Trotters is upon it!
Del
Everything is gonna be alright,
I've got a felling! Dookie's
gonna be okay, he'll come out
in a minute he'll be full of
life, full of vim and full of
vigour.
Rodney
I wish I had your faith Del!
A young attractive receptionist enters.
Del
Oi up. Well, what's the SP?
Receptionist
Mr Collis is running a few
final tests. He shouldn't be
too long.
Rodney
How's Duke?
Receptionist
He's holding his own.
Del
There are Rodney, he's up to
his old tricks already!
Receptionist
No, you don't understand. Duke
is still unconscious! Look,
why don't you sit down and
relax. Duke is in the best
possible hands, I can assure
you.
Del
Yeah, yeah, okay, thanks
darling.
Rodney
D'you know what I feel bad
about now? That leg of pork
Marlene put in the bag for
Duke.
Del
Well what about it?
Rodney
Well we ate it last night,
didn't we! Dookie had to make
do with a tin of dog food!
Every mouthful of that dinner
made me feel more and more
guilty.
Del
You should have let me know
Rodney you and him could have
swopped! Anyway, he had some
of it didn't he?
Rodney
What, warmed up left-overs for
breakfast!
Del
I didn't hear Duke complaining,
did you?
Rodney
We even had his steaks for
lunch the other day didn't we?
Del
Duke has steak every day, he's
most probably sick to death of
the steaks, ain't he? Can you
now change the subject please?
Bloody steaks and legs of
pork! Can't we talk about
something more...more...you
know.
(Struggling to
pronounce it)
Aesthetical?
Rodney
You want to...yeah, yeah, sure
you take it away Derek.
Del struggles to find something aesthetical to say. He
notices the receptionist.
Del
Couldn't 'alf give that one,
couldn't you Rodney?
The Vet enters.
Del
Oh Doc, any news?
Vet
It's difficult to say. His
heart beat is normal.
Del
Is that good?
Vet
Of course! All the tests have
proved negative, I'm just
awaiting the results of his
blood sample.
Rodney
Have you taken an X-ray?
Vet
Yes, yes, there's no sign of
damage. It's a complete mystery!
Never mind, we'll keep him here
as long as necessary. Where
shall I send the bill?
Receptionist
I got the details here sir.
Del
How long d'you think it'll take
Doc?
Vet
Oh, it shouldn't take long,
not if I send it first class.
Del
No, no, no, I don't mean that.
I mean how long will it take
for Dookie's recovery!
Vet
Oh, I see. Well it will take
as long as it takes Mr Trotter!
All we can do now is keep a
close eye on him and let nature
take its course...what have
you been feeding him on?
Rodney
Tins of...
Del
(Cutting in)
Steak! Steak, best porterhouse
steak for his lunch. Liver for
his supper. Roast pork for his
breakfast. Only the very
finest. He's had his milk,
vitamins, he's had his, you
name it he's had it!
Vet
Pork? For his breakfast? Was
it freshly cooked pork?
Del
Yeah, freshly cooked the night
before.
Vet
Did you re-heat it thoroughly?
Rodney
Well, we warmed it up a bit.
Vet
You warmed it up a bit!? Oh
well, I think we may have
solved the mystery, were
neither of you aware that white
meat, particularly pork, unless
thoroughly re-heated, is a
notorious breeding ground for
salmonella poisoning?
Del
Salmonella poisoning!! You
reckon that's what Duke's got?
Vet
Well, a strong possibility
wouldn't you say? This leg of
pork, do you still have it?
Rodney
Not on us!
Del
No it's at home in the fridge.
Vet
Could you bring it in for
examination?
Del
Yeah, we'll pop back and get it
right away. Come on Rodders.
Rodney
Del. The dustmen come round
today. Albert might have slung
it!
Del
Oh no, that dozy git! Can I
use your phone?
Del begins dialing the phone.
Rodney
If it is salmonella, d'you
reckon he'll survive?
Vet
It depends what strain of
salmonella it is. That's why I
need to examine that meat! How
long have you had the dog?
Rodney
Oh er, one day.
Vet
One day??
Rodney
Oh, it's not our dog. It
belongs to friends, we're just
looking after him!
Del
(On phone)
Albert? It's Del Boy. Listen,
that...Yeah, ahoy there!
Listen Albert that pork in the
fridge...Yeah...Pickles and
crusty bread. Sounds lovely
Albert.
(To Rodney and
the Vet)
He's eaten it.
Vet
Oh God! I'll phone the hospital
from my office. Get him down
here as quickly as you can.
Del
Albert, Albert - Uncle Albert.
Now listen to me, listen very
carefully. I want you to do me
a favour. I want you to put a
few things in your duffle bag,
put your coat on and go and
stand in the hall and wait for
me and Rodders. We're gonna
pop you down the hospital...
You've gotta have an operation!
Rodney
He won't have to have an
operation!
Del
A fiver says he does!
Rodney
Alright, you're on!
Del
What? I know you don't want to
have an operation! Nobody wants
to have an operation! But
everyone at some time of their
life as to have one! And today
it's your turn! Now listen...
Well, you know that pork you
had for dinner? Well...you're
gonna laugh at this Albert...
Rodney
A pound he don't!
Del
Well, there's a strong possib-
ility that it contained sam-
and-ella poisoning!
(Handing Rodney
a pound)
Oi, stop that, stop that,
you're a grown man, pull your-
self together, now listen
we're gonna come down and pick
you up in a couple of minutes,
now be ready.
Del
Rodney you should have warned
me about this.
Rodney
What d'yer mean warn you? I
didn't even know myself!
Del
You've got GCE's ain't yer?
Del exits.
Rodney
(Calls)
Yeah. I got a GCE in Maths and
Art! I ain't got a GCE in pork!
NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney enters from the kitchen. Del is on the phone.
Del
Well tell him we'll be in to
see him tomorrow. Yeah...Thank
you Sister. Yeah okay,
bonjourno. Ha ha, see what I
mean, little bit of French,
Rodney, little bit of French
knocks 'em bandy.
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about
Albert? I take it we can't go
and see him tonight then.
Del
Ar no, he's none too clever
apparently, I mean you know and
pipes and...gadgets, everything
stuck in him! You know.
Rodney
(Producing a bag
of grapes)
Oh well, waste not want not,
do you want a grape?
Del
Yeah, why not? Cheers, bring
'em over here will you.
Rodney
Oh did you get in touch with
the vet's?
Del
Yeah. He said Duke was...coma-
tose!
Rodney
Comatose? Well funnily enough
I thought of that when I saw
him spark out in the back of
the van!
Del
You'd be right Rodney wouldn't
yer? 'Cos I bet with this
comatose, most probably
sleep's the best thin for him!
Rodney
Yes Derek. Rest, rest and more
rest! Oh did they operate on
Albert?
Del
No.
Rodney
That's a bit of luck. You owe
me a fiver!
Del
What?
Rodney
In the vet's remember? I said
they wouldn't operate, you
said they would! And you laid
a fiver on it.
The telephone rings.
Del
Never mind about that, the
phone, go on, the phone, go on
there may be work there. Look,
go on, go on.
Rodney picks up the receiver.
Rodney
Yeah? Who is it? Boycie...
Boycie??
Del
Where is he? Has he come home
early or something?
Rodney
So where are you phoning from
Boyce? You're still over
there? Yeah, Del?
Rodney
Er...Del's not in at the
moment! Oh yeah he's 'ere...
Yeah, alright, put her on.
Hello Marlene...Don't you
worry about Duke, he's as
happy as they come! Yeah, get
down Duke! The little rascal,
he's jumping all over me!
Most probably recognises your
voice, eh Marlene? Eh?
(To Del)
She wants Duke to talk to her!
Del
Talk to her!? He's a bloody
dog, the scatty mare! Tell her
she can't.
Rodney holds the mouth piece in Del's direction.
Rodney
(To Del)
Come on Duke, come and talk to
Mummy! Come on Dookie, talk to
Mummy.
Del puts his mouth to the mouth piece and makes a quick,
dog-like panting sound.
Rodney
He's run off into the kitchen
now Marlene and there's someone
at the door, so I've gotta go,
bye!
DAY. A TWO-BEDDED HOSPITAL WARD WITH A SMALL CORRIDOR
LEADING OFF.
A young, pretty nurse exits from a ward and crosses the
path of Del and Rodney. Rodney looks up the corridor in
the nurse's direction.
Del
Oi, oi! You up to that again
are you? Women in uniforms?
Rodney
No I'm not!
Del
I tell you Rodney, the way you
carry on you'll end up married
to an arkela!
A Doctor passes them.
Del
Doctor, sorry, we've come to
pick up our Uncle.
Rodney
Mr Trotter. The nurse said he
might be able to leave.
Doctor
Oh yes, of course. I'll, er,
I'll have a quick look at him
first. Last night he underwent
some rather - thorough
examinations...
Del
Yes, so the sister said on the
phone! So was there anything
wrong with him!
Doctor
Not that I could find! In fact
I've just come off the phone
to Mr Collis at the veterinary
clinic. Apparently the dog has
now made a complete recovery.
Rodney
Duke's back on his feet?
Doctor
Still, you did the right thing
to bring your Uncle in. Better
safe than sorry! Okay. Let's
go and see how he is...
The Doctor leads Rodney and Del through the doors. The
screen is removed and Albert is dresses and putting a
few things in his rucksack.
Doctor
Mr Trotter.
Albert
You ain't doing nothing else
to me are you?
Doctor
No, no, don't worry!
Del
Alright then?
Albert
No I'm not! I was alright
yesterday though! Yesterday
I'd never felt better in all
me life! But you had to drag
me in here for bloody
Frankenstein to experiment
on! They've had me on me
back, on me belly, upside
down, every which way but
loose! Wires, pipes, tubes,
bits of string, injections!
And what d' they give me for
lunch today? Roast bleedin'
pork!
Rodney
Oh well, you didn't miss much
on the telly last night so...
Albert
What was wrong with me?
Del
Er...nothing!
Albert
Nothing?? You mean I've had
stomach pumps, anemones,
glucose drips and students
drawing all over my belly with
felt tip pens and there was
nothing wrong with me??
Del
Great innit, eh? Yeah!
Albert
I noticed you didn't come and
see me lat night! Still, I
suppose you were too busy
visiting the dog? Fight for yer
country, risk yer life in sea
and flame, then you get old
and everyone forgets you!
Del
Listen you old...
(Aware of the
Doctor)
You silly old sausage. They
wouldn't let us visit you last
night 'cos you was under
observation!
Albert
Oh, don't give me that son!
Rodney
We bought you grapes!
Albert
Yeah, where are they?
Del
We ate 'em!
Albert
I see! I lay here last night,
tubes sticking out of every
place they could stick 'em in!
Couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't
even work, and all the time
you two were eating my grapes!
Rodney
Come on, we missed you last
night!
Albert
Did you?
Rodney
Mmmmh! We had no-one to spit
our pips at! Let's get out of
here Del, he's giving me the
hump!
Doctor
Any problems?
Albert
No doctor, there's nothing
wrong with me! In fact I feel
full of fitness and vitality!
Doctor
Good, good! Well, bye for now
Mr Trotter, see you again!
Albert
Not if I see you first shipmate!
Del
Come on, hurry up, we're gonna
get you home.
Del and Rodney move a few yards away.
Del
The moaning, miserable old git
you...
Rodney
Don't stop does he? Yeah! I
mean, we got him all that
treatment. All for nothing!
Del
Yeah! And does he think any-
thing of it? No does he hell!
The Doctor produces a bottle of pills.
Doctor
Oh by the way. Sister gave me
these.
Del
Why, what's the matter with
you?
Doctor
No, no. She found them in your
Uncle's locker.
Del
Oh I see.
Doctor
Patients are not allowed to
bring their own medication
into the hospital. Please bear
that in mind in the future.
Del
What's he doing with these
then? They're Duke's vitamin
tablets!
Rodney
No, they're Albert's sleeping
pills.
(Producing identical
bottle)
I've got Duke's vitamins here.
Del
Bloody hell Rodney! You've been
giving Duke his sleeping pills!
Rodney
No! They were on the sideboard,
I thought...Albert's been
taking the Bob Martins?
Del
No wonder he's full of vital-
ity!
Rodney
What shall we do?
Del
Well don't start throwing any
sticks!
Rodney
Shall we tell him?
Del
No, no, no, it's a bit unfair
after what he's been through!
Rodney
Yeah, let's tell him!
Del
Look, he's miserable enough as
it is isn't he?
Rodney
Yeah, he'll start thinking he's
gonna turn into a werewolf or
something!
Del
We'll stay schtum on the whole
affair! Don't say a word and
no one'll be any the wiser!
Just keep a close eye on him
at lampposts and things!
They move back to the bed attempting to contain their
laughter.
Del
Come on then Unc. We'll get you
home. We've gotta pick Duke up,
Rodney's gotta take him for a
run.
Rodney
Actually you can come as well
if you like Albert?
Albert
What's the matter with you two?
Rodney
Nothing, nothing! Well let's go
then.
Del moves away a few yards and turns to Albert. He slaps
his thighs.
Del
(As if calling
a dog)
Come on boy!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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