EXT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY.
An old transit is parked at one of the meters outside
the pub. The sign on it reads: 'B. O' Shaunessy,
Painter and decorator.' The three-wheeled van pulls up
and parks beside it Del alights.
Del
(Indicating transit)
'Ere, look who's here, look,
Phil the Flooter!
Rodney
Oi, now don't you go winding
him up! There could be rivers
of blood!
Del
Yeah, there will be rivers of
blood. Look t the way he
tucked us up with that paint
last week!
Del throws Rodney an 'out of Order' bag.
Del (cont'd)
Here, just shove that on the
meter. And I'll see you inside
in a minute! Alright?
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY.
Seated at the bar is Brendan O' Shaughnessy. He is a
well-built, tough-looking man in his mid-thirties. He
speaks with a thick, Irish brogue.
Del enters and shares a word or two with some of the
regulars at the bar.
Del
(To an Indian fellow
with a turban)
Hello Ranji my son, how are
you, alright? Here, I saw your
missus on Tuesday, she's got a
terrible spot on her forehead
ain't she?
(To Karen)
Hello sweetheart.
Karen
Alright?
Del
Yeah. He's a nice bloke you
know, that Ranji! He took me
and Rodney over to Southall
last week. They was holding
this Asian song contest.
Karen
Is that right?
Del
Yeah, bloke called Singh won
it!
Del smiles, Karen doesn't.
Del (cont'd)
Singh!
Karen
What d'you want, usual?
Del
Yeah, Campari and diet coke
please! 'Ere, how's the new
guv'nor treating you?
Karen
Oh, he's alright! Did you know
we're having this place done
up?
Del
Are you? About time it was re-
decorated. Last time it was
done they had to keep stopping
'cos of the Zepplin raids!
(Notices Brendan)
Look who's here, look...there
he is, Paddy McIntee's goat!
Brendan
Are you alright Del?
Del
Alright? What d'you mean
alright? After that paint you
sold me!
Brendan
Was there something wrong with
it?
Del
It was supposed to be apple
white!
Brendan
And what was it?
Del
Battleship grey!
Brendan
Well there's a thing! I'll tell
you what. If, on my travels, I
come across someone who wants
their battleship painted, I'll
put 'em on touch!
Del
You do that! You do...you're a
right con merchant you are
aren't you, eh? I don't know
how people like you can live
with yourselves. Really, I...
Karen
Oi - you know that over-coat
you sold my dad?
Del
Yeah.
Karen
It's got a great big hump in
the back!
Del
Well of course, it's genuine
camel-hair innit!
Karen
I'll tell him.
Del
Yeah, yeah, alright, alright,
I'll let you off the paint,
this time! Here, I thought you
were going back to Dublin's
fair city?
Brendan
I was, till the brewery
decided to have this place re-
decorated.
Del
Oh and you've got the contract
have you?
Brendan
As good as! I've arranged it
with the guv'nor that mine's
the lowest estimate! See you
Del. Oh, by the way. If you
come across young Denzil tell
him I tried to phone him
twice last night but I
haven't got his number!
Del
Right. 'Ere, just a minute,
has he got your phone number?
Brendan
No.
Del
I'll tell him to phone you
then.
Brendan
Thanks.
Del
Oi, just a minute - just a
minute. Here, what d'you want
with Denzil anyway?
Brendan
Oh, he's after having me
decorate his font room. It'll
be a couple of hundred to
take back to the old country.
Del
'Ere, well listen, when you go
back to the old country don't
eat any of them carrots!
Brendan
Why's that?
Del
They've got potato-blight!
Brendan
Would you believe it...
Brendan moves to the main door, as he does so Rodney
enters and bumps into him. He is scared of Brendan.
Brendan (cont'd)
Are you alright there Rodney?
Rodney
Yes, yes, triffic thank you
Brendan!
Brendan
Were you happy with that paint
I got you last week?
Rodney
The paint? Yeah, ace!
Brendan
Good. I'll see you around then.
Rodney
Oh yeah. Yeah, you take care
of yourself.
As soon as Brendan exits, Rodney's attitude changes to
one of aggression. He moves across to Del smashing a
clenched fist into an open palm.
Rodney
I don't know how I managed to
keep my hands off him.
Del
Come on, drink up, we're going!
Rodney
What do you mean drink up? I
haven't had a drink yet!
Del
Good, I don't want you falling
off the ladder!
Rodney
What ladder?
Del
The ladder round at Denzil's
place!
Rodney
Del, what the hell are you
talking about?
Del
We're doing up Denzil's front
room!
Rodney
You never told me.
Del
I know, I couldn't. I mean, be
fair Rodney, I haven't even
told Denzil yet! Come on.
INT. A CORRIDOR IN A BLOCK OF FLATS/ DENZIL'S FRONT
DOOR. DAY. HALL.
Del and Rodney enter through the main doors.
Rodney
Del, I've told you before an'
I'm gonna tell you again, we
should have nothing to do
with it!
Del
I know, but Denzil's no good
at papering and painting and
that sort of thing.
Rodney
Well that makes three of us.
Del
Look, no, you seem to forget
that Grandad used to be a
decorator for the council!
Rodney
Del, that was in 1924. He used
to go to work on a horse! And
even then he got the sack
after two days for wallpaper-
ing over a serving hatch! Oi,
that's another thing, how
d'you think Denzil's wife's
gonna react after what you
did to her last year?
Del
Now Rodney, that's all in the
past, Corinne's a sensible
girl, it's forgive and forget,
that's her. Anyway, give us a
chance to get even with that
Paddy, I'd love to take a
couple of hundred off him!
Anyway you never know, we
might be able to get shot of
that paint!!
Rodney
Oh yeah! I mean everyone's
having their woodwork done in
battleship grey nowadays!
Del
But you don't know. Corinne
and Denzil may quite like it!
Rodney
Del, you'll make their front
room look like the conning
tower of the Ark Royal!
Del
Oh, shut up you tart!
INT. DENZIL'S LIVING ROOM. DAY.
The furnishing is modern but the decor is a bit old hat.
Denzil is talking to a canary in a cage.
Denzil
Come on Sylvester, talk to
Denzil! Say Viv Richards is
King! Come on, let me hear
them golden tones! Come on.
Ah, you stupid ras bird!
The front door bell rings.
Denzil (cont'd)
Alright, I'm coming.
Rodney
You'll have sailors doing the
hornpipe, jump-jets landing of
the sofa!
Del
Will you shut up Rodney!
Denzil opens the front door.
Denzil
Del my man!
Del
Denzil my son, how are you?
Both Del and Denzil do a West Indian-style hand slapping
greeting.
Denzil
Come in.
Del
Yeah, great.
Denzil
I haven't seen you for ages,
where have you been?
Del
Well, you know me, here, there
and everywhere - ducking and
diving.
Denzil
Rodney, you're looking good!
Rodney
(In cool voice)
Yeah!
Denzil
He's cool, I like it! I tell
you, if he wasn't so white I'd
swear he was black!
Del
Yeah, he is white ain't he!
Denzil
He's the whitest man I've ever
seen in all my life!
Rodney
I'm not ever so white!
Del
You are! You'd make an albino
look bronzed!
Denzil
(Hands out beers)
Here, grab one of these each!
Del
Oh, here Denzil, Corinne ain't
about is she?
Denzil
No, no, she's round her
sister's.
Del
Oh that' alright...
Denzil
Hey, you ain't still worried
about what happened are you?
Come on Del, she's forgotten
all about that now. Anyway,
what brings you round?
Del
Just passing, thought, you
know, thought we'd call in.
'Ere have you had this place
done up?
Denzil
No.
Del
No, I didn't think you had.
Denzil
We're getting it decorated
soon though. Corinnes' been at
me for ages about it, but I'm
no good at that sort of thing
so I got the Irishman to do
it.
Del
Oh Brendan? Oh well, can't go
far wrong with him Denzil?
He's a good man. Here, did
you hear about that house he
did up in, where was it,
Kings' Avenue. He made a
beautiful job of it so I
hear. Mind you I only saw it
after the fire!
(To the canary)
Who's a pretty boy? He's a
lovely boy ain't he! Is he
yours Denzil?
Denzil
No, he's Corinne's, she's had
him for a few years - what
fire?
Del
Eh?
Denzil
You mean the house burnt down?
Del
Yeah, but don't get me wrong,
it wasn't Brendan's fault! I
mean, look, I know a lot of
blokes who like a couple of
pints at dinner time. And it's
very easy to forget where you
left your blow-lamp!
Denzil
So it was accidental then?
Del
Oh yeah! It was an accident,
even the coroner said so!
Denzil
Coroner??
Del
Yeah.
Denzil
Right, that's it, I'm having
no drunken Irishman falling
about my living-room with a
lighted blow-lamp! No way.
Del
Oh my Gawd, oh I wish I hadn't
said nothing now, oh I really
feel really bad about this -
you know what, with Brendan
being a mate an' all! Look,
never mind Denzil. Look on the
bright side, he might not burn
your place down.
Denzil
Yeah, well I'm taking no
chances Del, I'm getting some-
body else to do the job!
Del
Oh well. Well, it's up to you.
I mean, as I always used to
say to my customers when I was
in the painting and decorating
game, I used to say 'It's your
money, it's your choice.'
Denzil
You never told me you used to
be a painter and decorator?
Del
Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the
family trade for generations
ain't it Rodney?
Rodney
(Preoccupied with
his 'whiteness')
Eh?
Del
Yeah. There you are, see. But
demand got too much, we had to
give it up in the end.
Denzil
Listen, well, couldn't you
just do this living room for
us?
Del
What this? Oh no, no, no,
sorry mate, no, no, you know,
we've given the game up now!
Denzil
Oh come on Del! Corinne's been
bending my ear about it for
ages. Just this one room yeah?
Del
No, no. No, no, no, no, no,
I'm sorry. If I do it for you
I've got to do it for all the
others! Haven't I?
Denzil
Del, for a mate in trouble!
Please!
Del
Alright, just for you though!
Denzil
Cheers Del, you're a pal!
Del
I don't know. I don't know what
it is with you. You manage to
twist me right round your
little finger, don't you?
Denzil
When can you start?
Del
First thing in the morning. A
hundred quid up front, we
supply the paint and that's
extra.
Denzil
Done.
Del
And you will be.
Denzil
I'll get some more drinks.
Del
Good, what about that Rodney,
eh Rodney, nice little earner,
eh?
Rodney
(Looking in the
mirror)
I don't think I'm ever so
white!
Del
You are. You look like a blood
donor who couldn't say no!
Corinne enters. She has not noticed the Trotters in the
room.
Corinne
(To Denzil)
Hiya!
Denzil
Hi hon.
Corinne
(To Canary)
Hello baby, have you missed
me?
Corinne turns around and sees Del.
Corinne (cont'd)
Denzil!! What the hell is he
doing in my home??
Del
Hello Corinne, you look as
lovely as ever!
Denzil
Del just popped in to say hi
hon.
Corinne
Did he really?
(To Del)
'Hello'. There's the door!
Del
'There's the door.' She's a
card ain't she!
Rodney is studying himself in the mirror.
Corinne
And what's he doing?
Rodney
I want you to tell me the
truth Corinne. Am I white?
Corinne
Denzil - have you and Rodney
been at the funny fags?
Denzil
No, honest hon, we haven't,
we've just got some drinks
that's all.
Corinne
I go round my sister's to see
how she is after having the
stitches out, and I come back
to find my home full of crazy
people!
Denzil
Oh come on babe, be friendly!
Del's gonna do the decorating
for us!
Corinne
He's what?
Denzil
Well, I blew the Irishman out,
I mean I've heard bad things
about him!
Corinne
(Indicating Del)
Denzil, how can you trust this
man? Every time you meet him
you end up drunk or out of
pocket?
Denzil
Yeah I know, but he's a mate!
Corinne
Would a mate sell you an over-
coat like the one he sold you?
Del
Oh now, come on, be fair
Corinne, that was a very nice
overcoat, looked like it was
made to measure!
Corinne
Yeah, for the Hunchback of
Notre Dame! And what about the
time he offered to do the
catering or us?
Denzil
Oh don't bring that up honey
please.
Corinne
That was our wedding Denzil!!!
What was it we were supposed to
have Del? Lobster vol-au-
vents, game pie, kidney with
saffron rice, beef and anchovy
savouries!
Rodney
Philadelphia Truffles!
Corinne
And what did we end up with?
Pie 'n' chips all round!
Del
Now I explained all that
Corinne, didn't I? The fridge
went on the blink and all the
goodies went manky!
Corinne
And what about our three-tier
wedding cake?
Del
Yeah, well, that was in the
fridge with all the other
gear! I mean the icing melted,
it dripped everywhere!
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, that's true
Corinne, by the end of the
week it looked like a big
candle!
Del
(To Denzil)
I thought you said she'd for-
gotten about all this!
Corinne
How can I forget it? I have to
live with that wedding album!
The rest of my life. How many
times have you seen a picture
of a bride and groom cutting
a jam sponge?
Rodney
Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair.
He only got that at the 11th
hour, otherwise it could have
been an eccles cake!
Corinne
You want 'em to do the decorat-
ing then you let 'em. But I
promise you this Denzil, if
anything goes wrong I'll make
you wish your mother had had a
headache the night you was
conceived!
Corinne exits to the kitchen, slamming the door behind
her.
Del
She's a little treasure ain't
she? Come on Rodney, let's
leave the love-birds alone!
Talking about birds, you just
make sure that Buzzby's in the
kitchen tomorrow 'cos of the
paint fumes. Leave the key
under the mat! Cheer up
Denzil, you know it makes
sense! Come on, let's get out
of here.
THE HALL.
Del and Rodney exit from the flat.
Del
That'll keep us out of trouble
for a couple of days!
CORRIDOR.
Rodney
Look, I know I'm white, but
I'm no whiter than anyone else!
Del
You are, you're whiter than
Denzil.
Rodney
Kunta Kinte's whiter than
Denzil!
Del
Here, we might be able to earn
a couple of bob out of this.
Rodney
How?
Del
Now listen, you'd do very well
in one of them Mickey Mouse
séances! You know where you
have to appear through a thin
veil of gauze. You could say,
'I am Rodney, the anaemic
ghost.'
Rodney
Del, Del!
Rodney snatches Del's cap from his head and exits through
the main doors.
Del
What, oi, that's my hat. You
saucy little git.
Del exits.
Del
(OOV)
Oh no, it's gone under a bus
now!! I'll put you under that
ruddy bus...
INT. DENZIL'S HALL. DAY.
Del, not dressed for any form of work, enters the living
room followed by Rodney and Grandad in white overalls,
carrying dust sheets, ladders, etc.
Grandad
They ain't got a serving hatch
have they?
Del
No, no, it's alright, don't
worry! Alright, come on Rodney.
Now get them dust sheets - all
over this furniture, will you.
Grandad switches the TV on and sits in the armchair. Del
helps himself to an apple from the fruit bowl.
Rodney
Hey, look Corinne's left a
note! 'Leave the TV alone,
don't eat the fruit and stay
out of the kitchen.'
Del
Leave the TV alone and don't
eat the fruit! What sort of
people does she think we are?
Rodney
Yeah, she's got us tagged all
wrong ain't she!
Del
'Ere, look at the time, it's
half past nine, come on Rodney,
put the kettle on, we'll have a
cup of tea.
Rodney
Del, she said stay out of the
kitchen! Now I reckon you're
taking liberties!
Grandad
Well, everyone's entitled to
a cup of tea Rodney, I mean,
it's in the Magna Carta or
something!
Rodney exits into the kitchen.
Del
That's right taking liberties,
I ask yer...'Ere, while you're
out there have a look in the
cupboard an' see if there are
any Jaffa cakes going.
(To Grandad)
Go on, go on, don't worry
Grandad - we'll soon have this
job finished!
Grandad
Yeah, soon as Rodney pulls his
finger out!
Del
Yeah.
INT. DENZIL'S LIVING ROOM. DAY.
Rodney and Grandad are up the ladders. Del is in the arm-
chair, his feet up on another chair, and dialing the
last few digits on the phone.
Rodney
If this gets a bit much for
you Del have a nice sit down,
eh?
Del
Yes, alright, alright, Rodney,
thank...Go on, get going, get
going, we'll never have
finished at this...
(On phone)
Hello Ginger? Del Boy! How are
you going my son? Oh no, we're
all fine, no we're absolutely
fine 'ere. Well, Rodney's
looking a bit pale. Apart from
that we're alright. How's the
family? Oh triffic!
Grandad
Ginger? Who's he talking to,
Ginger Ted?
Rodney
Yeah it sounds like it.
Grandad
Has he come back from Canada
then?
Del
What's the weather like out
there?
Rodney
No.
Del
The time. It's just gone 'alf
past ten! No. What, is it
really? Cor, go on. No I'll
tell you what, no, you go back
to sleep, yeah, I'll give you
a bell tomorrow, alright. And
I'll leave it a bit later
like. Yeah, alright, see yer
pal!
(Replaces receiver)
Cor look at that, it's
marvelous ain't it, eh? All
the way to Vancouver and
it's as clear as a bell,
yeah, well, it's modern space
technology innit! I've just
been bounced off a satellite!
Grandad
If Corinne finds out she'll
bounce you off Chelsea Bridge!
Del
Oi you, where's my tea?
Rodney
What tea?
Del
Well I asked you about an hour
ago to put the kettle on to
have a cup of Darjeeling,
remember?
Rodney
Oh Gawd, yeah, I forgot all
about it.
(Realising)
Bloody hell, I left the kettle
on the gas!!
Del
Oh stone me Rodney, I don't
know what's the matter with
him sometimes, he seems to
live in a world of his own!
KITCHEN.
Grandad
Here Del.
Del
What?
Grandad
Supposing the steam starts the
wallpaper peeling.
Del
Oh that's charming that, isn't
it. We come round here to do
the living room and end up
stripping the kitchen!
Rodney
Oh Del, I can hardly breathe!
Del
You may not ever breathe again
if this wallpaper's ruined!
Del weaves the steam away with his arms.
Del (cont'd)
Oh look, condensation is
everywhere! Quick, get me a
cloth!
Grandad
Yeah I'll open the window.
Del
That's right, go on Grandad.
If we tidy this place up maybe
she might never notice!
Rodney
She might notice the kettle!
Rodney holds up the kettle to show a hole has been burnt
in the bottom of it.
Del
Gordon Bennett, I don't
believe it! Put it back. Say
nothing. She might blame
Denzil.
Grandad
Del Boy, come and have a look
at this!
Del
No, we're busy Grandad!
Rodney
Look, I'm sorry about all this
Del, it's just what with all
the other work in there and
then you...
Del
Alright, alright, alright,
Rodney. It's no good going on.
It's just one of them things.
Accidents will happen you
know.
Rodney
Yeah, cheers.
Grandad
Del, Del look. It's the bird...
The canary is lying dead at the bottom of the cage.
Grandad (cont'd)
He don't look very well to me!
Del
That is most probably due to
the fact Grandad that he is
stone-dead. You dozy little
twonk Rodney.
Rodney
Hold on, just now you said it
was n easy mistake to make!!
Del
Yeah, it is if you're stupid.
Rodney
It might not be completely dead!
Del
It might not be completely dead,
it's just been sautéed! What is
Corinne gonna say when she
comes back and finds out what
you have done to her little
pet??
Rodney
Well I wouldn't mind seeing
her face when she gets her
next telephone bill.
Grandad
Look at this big hole you've
made in the kettle!!
Rodney
Well, it's not as big as the
hole you made in them Jaffa
Cakes is it!
Del
Will you two pack it in! We've
gotta think of a way out of
this!
Rodney
I've got it! I've got it, we
could say it was caused by
paint fumes!
Del
Paint fumes? Paint fumes. When
Corinne comes back in here
she's gonna find her kettle's
been knackered, her kitchen's
been turned into a Turkish
bath and she's got a Kentucky
Fried canary at the bottom of
that cage! And we're gonna say
paint fumes.
Rodney
Yeah, you're right!
Del
I'll tell you what we'll do,
Rodney and I, we'll try and
clear this place up! Grandad,
I want you to go down the
High Street and I want you to
get a packet of Jaffa Cakes
and a canary.
Grandad
Where do I get a canary from?
Rodney
Why don't you try the boot
mender's!
Grandad
Don't you get saucy Rodney,
you ain't too big to get a
slap round the head!
Del
Oi, oi, will you stop it you
two. We haven't got much time
now, go on.
Grandad
Well, how much is a canary?
Del
Well how the bleedin' hell do
I know?
(Hands Grandad a
wad of notes)
Here, look, take the lot. Go
on and make sure you don't get
mugged! And make sure...And
make sure you get a canary -
you know and a yellow one!
Rodney
Yeah, we don't want a budgie
or a parrot!
Grandad
No, you want a canary don't
you?
Del
Yes! Alright, write it down
for him Rodney! Write it
down.
Grandad
It's alright Del, I'll
remember! Yellow canary.
Del
Go on and hurry up then!
Grandad
A yellow canary - a yellow
canary...yellow canary.
Grandad exits.
Rodney
Well I suppose it could have
been worse.
Del
Could it?
Rodney
Well if you're gonna be like
that, no!
Del
I'll tell you what we're gonna
do, right. If we clean this
place up, polish the kettle,
put a new canary in the cage,
maybe Corinne won’t suspect
anything! Grandad's the one
that worries me!
Rodney
How d'you mean?
Del
Oh, it's I've got this feeling
in the pit of my stomach, he's
gonna come back with a
goldfish!
INT. THE PET SHOP. DAY.
The sign on the pet shop door reads: 'L. Lombardi.'
Grandad enters the shop.
Grandad
Louis! I need a canary, quick!
Louis
Hey Grandad, it's a long time,
eh? You sit down or a while.
Grandad
No. I ain't got time.
Louis
You want a drink?
Grandad
No, I want a canary! This is
an emergency.
Louis
Emergency? I've never sold an
emergency canary before! I'll
tell you what I've got for
you, I gotta lovely green-
finch. She's beautiful!
Grandad
No, I want a canary!
Louis
You want a bird of paradise?
Grandad
Is it a canary?
Louis
No!
Grandad
Well I don't want it then!
Louis
Alright, alright, stay calm,
now please what do you want?
Grandad
I want a canary!
Louis
He wants a canary, I've only
got one canary!
Grandad
I'll take it.
Louis
No, no. It's not as simple as
that! This is my canary! This
is Arturo, he's my own pet!
Louis holds up the canary in a cage.
Grandad
Can't you sell him?
Louis
No, he's been with me or
years! He's like one of the
family, he's my own flesh and
blood!
Grandad
I'll give you fourty-five
pounds!
Louis
(Without hesitation)
Okee Dokee, Ciao Arturo!
EXT. HIGH STREET/PET SHOP. DAY
Grandad exits with a huge cage covered with a blanket or
cloth. Corinne approaches.
Corinne
Hello Grandad!
Grandad
(Hiding the cage
behind his back)
Oh, hello Corinne love.
Smashing weather ain't it?
Corinne
Yeah! I thought you was back
at the flat?
Grandad
I am. What I mean is I just
popped out to get something to
eat! You going home straight
away?
Corinne
No I've got a bit more shop-
ping to do.
Grandad
Oh good! Well, I'll see you
back there later love.
He backs away from her keeping the cage from her view
while grinning in a 'things couldn't be better' manner.
INT. DENZIL'S KITCHEN. DAY.
The new canary is in its cage. Rodney and Grandad study
it intensely. Del is more concerned with money.
Del
That thing cost fifty quid?
Grandad
Yeah. I mean, they was much
cheaper in my day and age.
Del
I thought they was much
cheaper in this day and age... I
mean for 50 sovs you could at
least have got a bigger one!
Rodney
No, no, 'cos then Corinne
would have known the
difference. You see to us it's
just a canary, but to her it's
a personal friend. We ought to
double check it you know make
sure it ain't got no
distinguishing features!
Del
You mean like freckles or a
birthmark?
Rodney
Del if this one is different
she'll twig it straight away!
Del
Grandad, go down the vet's and
see if you can get his dental
records.
Grandad gets up to leave.
Del (cont'd)
Sit down, sit down.
(To Rodney)
Look soppy, unless the other
one had got a dimple in its
chin and a beer gut, no one's
gonna be none the wiser! Now,
come on, let's get back in
that other room and make it
look as though we've done
something today!!
LIVING ROOM.
They hear a key in the front door.
Del
That's her, quick, go on get up
the stairs. Grandad, against
the wall, go on. That's it, go
on, go on. That's the way
Rodney, lots of care! That's
right, I want this to be a 100
per cent luxurious job! I want
this place to look like a
palace for Denzil and Corinne
when the...
(Corinne has
entered)
Oh, hello Corinne, how are you
sweetheart?
Corinne
I'm fine thanks.
Del
Good.
Corinne
D'you want a cup of tea?
The Trotters
No!!
Corinne
Alright, don't bite my head
off, I only asked if you
wanted a cup of tea!
Del
No, no, it's alright, Corinne.
No it's just that we're like
Magnus Mackeson, you know
we've tarted so we'll finish!
Grandad
Yeah, it's sort of personal
pride with us Trotters.
Corinne
Okay, please yourselves!
Corinne exits to the kitchen.
Rodney
She's gonna twig it, I know
she is!
Del
No Rodney, just, you know,
just have faith in me will yer!
There is no way in a million
years that she's gonna
suspect...
Corinne exits from the kitchen, stunned.
Corinne
What's happened to my canary?
Del
On the other hand.
Grandad
What's up love?
Del
Listen to me, listen to me, if
that thing's laid an egg I'm
gonna kill you!
They follow her to the kitchen where she is standing by
the cage. The Trotters gather round. The canary is
hopping merrily from perch to perch.
Corinne
Look!
Grandad
Well, he seems alright to me
love!
Rodney
Yeah look at him he's hopping
about all over the place like
a good 'un!
Corinne
Yeah, I know, but when I woke
up this morning he was dead!
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
A few hours later. The Trotters are seated at the table.
The atmosphere is all doom and gloom.
Del
I never did like that Corinne.
Grandad
No, fancy chucking us out like
that.
Del
Yeah, I mean what did she
expect? How many decorating
firms does she know that give
you a free canary with every
job?
Rodney
I shouldn't imagine there's
many Del!
Del
No. And was she satisfied? I
said, was she satisfied?
Rodney and Grandad
No!
Del
No, of course she wasn't.
Grandad
I mean, why didn't she just
bury the thing this morning?
Rodney
She was too upset weren't she?
That's why she was waiting for
Denzil to come home!
Del
She could of at least told us
it was laying in state in the
kitchen?
Rodney
She wasn't there was she!
That's why she left the note!
'Please do not go in the
kitchen.' Look she ain't
blaming us for the demise of
Buzzby. I think what really
got up her nose was when she
went to make a cup of coffee
and flooded the kitchen!
Del
She turned own my offer of a
brand-new kettle! Didn't she?
Rodney
Didn't have a tenner on her!
Del
She could have paid on the
weekly!
Brendan enters.
Brendan
Are you alright Del?
Del
Yeah, hello Brendan.
Brendan
Rodney?
Grandad
D'you reckon he knows Del Boy?
Del
No. Corinne's not the sort to
broadcast it.
Brendan
I taught I taw a puddytat a
cweeping up on me!
Del
Mouthy cow!
Brendan
I was talking to Eye-talian
Louis, he told me he sold you
a flea-bitten canary for
forty-five pounds.
Del
Fourty-five?
Grandad
What did I say then Del?
Del
What did you say!
Brendan
Don't worry Del, I've taken
over the job at Denzil's flat.
But it'll cost him a bit more
now you amateurs have been
playing around with it!
Brendan moves off.
Del
Do you know what Rodney, if
that Brendan wasn't so big,
I'd give him a right seeing to!
Rodney
Yeah, so would I.
Grandad
Well you're as tall as he is,
Rodney.
Rodney
Well you can't hit a man of
that age can you.
The new governor arrives at the bar collecting glasses.
Mike
You alright gents? How are
you?
Del
Oh, you must be the new
governor?
Mike
That's right, Mike Fisher,
pleased to meet you.
Del
Hello Mike, Del Trotter, people
may have mentioned m.
Mike
Yes they certainly have!
Del
Well I'm a popular character
round these parts. 'Ere Mike,
could you just tell me is it
true that the brewery are
gonna have this place
decorated?
Mike
Yeah, that's right, in the
very near future.
Del
Is it also true that mouth al-
mighty over there has got the
contract?
Mike
Well, let's say he's favourite,
his estimate's by far the
lowest.
Rodney
How much is he doing it for?
Mike
Oh come on, it's confidential
isn't it.
Del
No, no it's not, no come on.
Brendan and I, well I mean,
we're like that!
Mike
I don't suppose it matters who
knows, he's bragging about it
himself now. He reckons he'll
do it for a grand.
Del
A grand? And who decides which
estimate to accept?
Mike
I do.
Del
Michael, could I have a word
in your shell-like...
(Grins as a scheme
is born)
I might be able to offer you a
much better deal my son! I
could get this pub decorated
to exactly the same standard
as Brendan, and it would cost
your brewery a mere two
thousand pounds!
Rodney
Two thousand pounds?
Grandad
(Sarcastically)
That must be a tempting offer,
eh, Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, well, he's a born
businessman ain't he?
Mike
No hang about, hang about -
look why should I turn down an
offer of a thousand and except
one of two thousand?
Del
Because of all the advantages
it has to offer, like my
specialised profit-sharing
scheme! Let me explain how it
works. The two thousand pounds
would be dispersed thus: there
would be five hundred pounds
for vous and five hundred
pounds for me.
Mike
What you mean I get 500 quid?
Del
Oh yes!
Mike
Yeah, and what happens to the
thousand that's left over?
Del
We give that to the Irishman
and let him do then job!
Mike
You've got a deal Mr Trotter!
Del
Thank you Michael.
(To Brendan)
Can I have a word? Who's a
pretty boy then?
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
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