INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY
Rodney and Trigger are leaning against the bar chatting.
Sitting further along the bar, behind Trigger, is
Slater. He is a Detective Inspector. Although he is in
plain clothes, everything about him says 'Copper.' He
is in his middle-to-late thirties. He has a snide and
superior manner and is loathed and feared by both the
small-time crooks and his colleagues in the Met. He is
watching Trigger and Rodney intensely.
Rodney
Yeah. So, right I said to her,
I said, 'Bernice'...I said...
Trigger
That her name is it?
Rodney
...Yeah - Bernice! Yeah,
Trigger, that's why I called
her Bernice, you know.
Trigger
Right!
Rodney
I said, 'Don't play with me
girl 'cos you are playing with
fire. I said, 'Don't you dare
try an' tie me down!
Trigger
She's into all that, is she?
Rodney
...No, Trigger, I meant in a,
you know, spiritual sort of
way! I mean she's not - no -
see, 'cos I'm a free agent
Trigger. Wherever I lay my
hat, right, that's my home!
That's the sort of guy I am.
Trigger
Yeah...You got a hat now then
have you Dave?
Rodney
No, no, Trigger it's a saying.
You know. Anyway -
Trigger
I had a hat once!
Rodney
Yeah? So I could see she was
upset you know.
Trigger
Someone nicked it at a party!
Rodney
Really? Yeah, well... She was
crying, begging me not to
leave her.
Trigger
And my return ticket in the
brim. I had to walk all the
way home from Plumstead!
Rodney
I'm gonna phone Del and see if
he can come down for a drink.
Rodney moves away towards the phone.
Trigger
What colour was your hat, Dave?
Rodney
Pink!
Trigger
Same here!
Slater stands. As Rodney passes him their shoulders
catch.
Rodney
Sorry!
Slater
(Quietly to
himself)
You will be if it happens
again sonny. Trigger!
Trigger
(Alarmed)
Oh! Er, watcha Roy! Long time,
eh? What brings you round
this way, I thought you were
stationed in West London.
Slater
I missed you all didn’t I? I
got meself transferred back to
the old parish. And it's not
Roy any more. You can call me
Mr Slater, Detective Inspector
Slater, or just plain sir!
Mine's a large scotch!
Trigger
Right!
(Calls)
A large scotch, love.
Slater
Know anything about a microwave
oven?
Trigger
No, I'm no good with electrics
and that!
Slater
I'm not asking you to mend the
bleedin' thing am I! I'm talk-
ing a stolen microwave oven!
Someone lifted one off the
back of a lorry in Lewisham
Grove earlier on!
Trigger
Yeah? Tch, Some people!
Slater
Yeah, some people! So, what
are you up to these days
Trigger? Still doing a double-
act with Monkey Harris?
Trigger
No, I ain't seen Monkey for
ages.
Slater
And what about Boycie?
Trigger
Dunno, I ain't seen him for
years!
Slater
Really! And how about my
favourite man?
(With hate and
menace in his
voice)
How's good old Del Boy keeping?
Trigger
Haven't a clue, I ain't seen
him for a long time!
Slater
No, you ain't seen much of
anything lately, have yer? You
ought to eat more carrots,
Trig!
Boycie enters. He strolls in his usual confident manner
but, upon seeing Slater, he does a sharp turn and is
about to rush out.
Slater
Well upon my soul! It's Boycie!
Boycie
Oh! Hello Roy. What a nice
surprise!
Slater
And what a coincidence as well!
Boycie
Eh?
Slater
That you two should happen to
be drinking in the same pub! I
mean, how long is it since you
last saw Trigger?
Boycie
Ooh, er, it must be...
Trigger is holding up two fingers.
Boycie (cont'd)
...at least two months.
Slater
Trigger said years!
Boycie
Oh, yeah now you come to
mention it, it must be two
years! Time does fly, don't
it?
Slater
Certainly does! seems like
only yesterday I was pounding
the beat around here. They
were the good old days weren't
they, eh?
Trigger
Triffic.
Boycie
Great.
Slater
How's Marlene these days?
Boycie
Oh, you know, still the same!
Slater
Is she?
(Shakes his head
sadly)
Dear, dear, dear.... I heard
that you're dabbling in the
video game!
Boycie
Oh yeah. It's just a side-line,
you know.
Slater
I heard a whisper that your
flogging pirate tapes.
Boycie
Yeah, Treasure Island, Mutiny
on the Bounty.
Slater
I'm surprised to hear Del
Boy's still at the same place.
Boycie
Yeah, still there! Oh, he's er
thinking of moving though.
Trigger
Emigrating actually.
Slater
Emigrating? Yes, I bet these
developing nations must be
crying out for fly-pitchers!
Boycie
Well, I must be off!
Slater
So soon? After all these years
I'd have thought you two would
have a lot to talk about!
Boycie
Yeah, well, we do, but, uh, I
have just seen a business
acquaintance of mine.
(Calls)
Hello Rodney! Well, see yer
Roy.
Boycie moves away from the bar.
Slater
Yeah, see yer Boycie. Give my
love to Marlene! Everyone else
used to!...Rodney? Weren't
Del's kid brother called
Rodney?
Trigger
Oh, I don't know Mr Slater.
Slater
No, you're deaf, dumb and
blind these days ain't yer! I
bet you're a wizard on the
pinball machine!
Boycie
(Shakes Rodney's
hand warmly)
Hello Rodney. Nice to see you
again!
Rodney
Boycie! I was talking with you
last night!
Boycie
Oh, were you, oh yeah, of
course you were. Memory must
be slipping. Well, take care
of yourself, see you around!
Boycie exits.
Rodney
Yeah, see yer Boycie!
Slater
Don't tell me... You're Del
Boy's brother Rodney! Am I
right?
Rodney
Yeah!
Slater
I was at school with Del, sat
next to him in class. Haven't
seen you since you was a
little nipper.
Rodney
Really? What's your name?
Slater
Detec...Roy, Roy Slater!
Rodney
Roy Slater? No, no, I can't
recall him mentioning it.
Perhaps he called you by a
nickname?
Slater
Yeah, knowing Del that's about
it!
Trigger
Well I'm away now Mr. Slater.
Slater
Behave yourself Trigger. Well,
well, well...
Slater turns to face Rodney. Trigger, behind his back
is gesturing to Rodney. Slater follows Rodney's eye-
line and catches Trigger mid-act. Trigger tries to
excuse his behaviour by pretending he has something
in his eye. He turns and exits.
Rodney
What is up with everyone today?
Slater
They've been at the booze,
ain't they? So - fancy bumping
in to you! Shame Del Boy
couldn't have made it.
Rodney
Well d'you know I've just this
minute come off the phone to
him. He was coming down for a
swift one but he got involved
with a bit off business,
something to do with a
microwave oven...
Slater
Is that right? Well, I'd loved
to have met him again. It'd
have been a real surprise for
him!
Rodney
Well, I tell you what, why
don't you come back to the
flat and have a beer?
Slater
Could I? Oh, Well that would
be smashing!
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, I'll go and give
him a bell.
Slater
(Sharply)
No! You'll spoil the surprise!
Rodney
Oh yeah...Hey, I can't wait to
see his face when you come
through the door, eh?
Slater
It'll be a picture Rodney,
It'll be a picture!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY
The microwave oven is standing on the sideboard. Grandad
is studying it and fiddling with the switches. Del is in
the kitchen.
Del
(OOV)
I mean, I don't ask much of
you, do I? But even when I ask
you to do the simplest things
you let me down!
Grandad
Oh shuddup!
Del
(OOV)
I man she won't wanna know me
know will she, not after last
night!
Grandad
I ain't bothered!
Del enters, carrying a cup of coffee.
Del
I invited her all the way over
from Canning Town for a nice
quiet intimate candlelit
dinner. And all I asked you
to do was put the box of wine
in the fridge and my tub of
Neapolitan ice-cream in the
freezer. But no, you get that
arse about face, don't you?
So come nine o' clock, all I
could offer her was a bowl of
gunge and a Beaujolais ice
lolly! Ruined my entire
evening it did! What are you
doing?
Grandad
I'm trying to get 'The Dukes of
Hazzard!'
Del
The 'Dukes of Hazzard!' This
is a microwave oven you dozy
old twonk! Gordon Bennett,
you'll be putting frozen
pizzas into the portable next!
Come out of the way, will yer!
You're lucky you didn't
barbecue yourself! Now just
leave it alone!
Rodney enters.
Rodney
Hey Del, guess who I met down
the pub?
Del
Well, whoever she is, don't
invite her back here for
dinner!
Rodney
No, it's one of your old school
mates!
Slater
Hello Del Boy, long time, eh?
Del
Slater!!
Del drops his tray.
Slater
In all me glory!
(To Rodney)
I told you he'd be surprised
didn't I?
Rodney
Yeah!!
Slater
Is this your Grandad?
Del
No that's the au-pair innit!
Slater
Watcha Grandad. You wouldn't
remember me, Roy Slater, I
used to be in Del's class at
school.
Grandad
Well, well, that's a turn up
for the book innit Del Boy?
Del
Yeah, innit just?
Grandad
Rodney, get Roy one of them
lagers in the fridge.
Rodney
Yeah, right!
Rodney exits.
Del
Yeah, well, I'll just, er,
yeah, I'll just give Rodney a
hand. You carry on.
KITCHEN.
Del
What the bloody hell are you
trying to do to me? Don't you
know who that is?
Rodney
Yeah, he said he was an old
mate!
Del
He's not an old mate - he's an
Old Bill! And when I say an
Old Bill - I mean an Old Bill!
That geezer out there'd nick
you for anything you did! In
fact, he'd nick you for any-
thing you didn't do and he
wouldn't let a silly thing
like innocence get in the
way!
Rodney
I didn't have a clue, Del. I
swear!
Del
You Wally! Alright, alright!
We gotta play this nice and
cagey! Now listen, you've
gotta, be careful what you say
to him, because that fella in
there, he collects informers
like other people collect
stamps.
Rodney
He's got a few grasses - has
he?
Del
No he ain't got a few grasses
Rodney - he's got an entire
lawn! Right, when you go back
in there, only speak when you
are spoken to, and then keep
it down to a simple yes or no!
Think before you blink, If
God's smiling on us, we might
just get away with it,
Alright? Get them beers.
LOUNGE.
The kitchen door opens and Del and Rodney enter. Grandad
is demonstrating how the microwave works to Slater.
Slater
Does it cook as quickly as
they claim?
Grandad
Oh, I - I don't know so much
about that.
Slater
Don't you?
Grandad
We ain't used it yet.
Del and Rodney enter.
Slater
No? That's strange, it feels
hot.
Del
Yeah, well here y'are, come
and cool your fingers down on
this Roy me boy! There you go.
And how's the police force
treating you?
Grandad
Police??
Slater
Not too bad. Got promoted a
while back, I'm Detective
Inspector now.
Del
Oh, congratulations. A few
years from now you could be
advertising tyres! How's the
family?
Slater
I don't see much of 'em these
days Del. The Old man's still
not talking to me.
Del
No, well, he's probably still
got the needle over that time
you nicked him!
Grandad
He nicked his own father??
Slater
I had no choice! If there had
been a way of avoiding it I
would have. But his rear light
was defective! I mean what
else could I do?
Del
It's true, he'd only borrowed
the bike to go down the fish
shop an' all!
Slater
That's right! It was just a
twist of fate. But you've
gotta understand, at the time
I was young and keen. Now
that I'm older and more
experienced, I regret doing
it!
Del
Leave it out Slater. You've
never regretted a nick in your
life!
Slater
Now that's not fair Del!
You're judging me by the Roy
Slater that you used to know.
But I've changed in lots of
ways. Things that were
important to me in the past
mean nothing now. I used to
be enthusiastic, career
minded, but what've you got
at the end of the day?
You've won your stripes -
and lost your friends.
Del
Oh come on Roy. You didn't
lose your friends!
Slater
No?
Del
You didn't have any to lose in
the first place!
Slater
Yeah, I suppose you're right!
Del, maybe one evening - if
you're not to busy - we could
have a couple of beers
together?
Del
Yeah, well, see how it goes
shall we?
Slater
Yeah, alright, thanks for the
drink. Nice seeing you all
again...I'll see myself out.
Slater moves sadly to the door. There is an embarrassed
silence in the room. Rodney and Grandad are obviously
feeling a certain amount of pity for Slater. Slater
opens the door and is about to exit.
Slater
(Turns)
Oh, by the way, you're all
under arrest!
(Grins)
INT. A POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM. IGHT.
A virtually bare room save for a desk and a few chairs
and a filing cabinet. A young PC (Hoskins) stands by
the door. The Trotters are seated around the desk.
Slater is on the phone.
Slater
Yes, sir...Oh yes, well, thank
you very much sir, very nice
of you to say so...well I can
only have them for receiving,
sir, but one of them's an old
mate and I get the feeling that
if I treat him nicely enough he
might be - persuaded - to
volunteer the name of the real
thief...Oh yes sir, you know me
sir, I play everything by the
book, sir. Well, there's three
of them actually, sir. Yes, I
arrested them single-handed!
Well I don't think of the
danger, sir, I simply see it as
my duty!
The Trotters- and Hoskins - are sickened by his toadying.
Slater (cont'd)
Well, I'll get back to your
sir, as soon as I've got some
information. Okay sir...Thank
very much, sir. Thank you once
again, sir. Okay, sir. Bye for
now, sir. Do you know who that
was?
Del
The wife?
Slater
That was the assistant commis-
sioner.
Grandad
You wanna be a bit more
careful about your health son.
In the last 'alf hour you've
done so much boot-licking you
could be going down with
cherry blossom poisoning!
Slater
Have you informed them of their
rights, Constable?
Hoskins
Oh yes sir!
Slater
Tch!!
Rodney
Yeah, and I demand the right
to phone my solicitor!
Slater
Sit down and behave yourself!
Rodney
I'm saying nothing 'til I've
phoned my solicitor.
Slater
Go'n then! phone your
solicitor!
Rodney
I haven't got a solicitor!
Slater
Well don't waste my bloody
time then!
Del
Just calm down will yer! Just
calm down. Now listen Slater,
I think I've find a way in
which we can clear this mess
up.
Slater
What, you tell me the name of
the person that nicked the
microwave?
Del
No, I give you 50 quid and you
let us go!
Slater
I didn't hear that Del!
Del
(Louder)
I said, I give you 50 quid...
Rodney
Del!!
Slater
Did you hear that Hoskins?
Hoskins
Oh yes sir, loud and clear.
Slater
Oh, you really are a star Del
Boy, you really are a star!
You are now down for receiving
stolen goods and attempting to
bribe a police officer!
Del
You never complained about it
before.
Slater
Did you hear that Hoskins?
Hoskins
Er, sorry, sir. Miles away!
Slater
Right, who 'alf inched the
microwave? Was it Trigger?
Come along gentlemen, I want a
name!
Grandad
We found it, didn't we Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, yeah - down the market!
This bloke, sort of dropped
it!
Slater
Oh, he dropped it did he?
Didn't you call after him?
Rodney
(Lost for words)
Er...
Del
Well yeah, but he was a bit
mutton, wasn't he.
Slater
Oh, I see, Well that explains
it! Tch, I just wish you'd have
told me earlier, it would have
saved us all this trouble!
It's easily done constable.
You're walking along the
street, your mind on other
things, you take your handker-
chief out of your pocket and,
bang, you're microwave falls
out.
(Indicates Rodney
and Grandad)
Take these two down the
corridor and put them in
separate rooms! I'll be along
later to get their descript-
ions of this stone-deaf
villain! And, oi! No
conferring!
Grandad
It's bleedin' starters for ten
now!
They exit.
Slater
I see Boycie's selling pirate
videos now!
Del
(Momentarily off
guard)
Ye...Is he?
Slater
Hmm! Which number in King's
Avenue does he live?
Del
I dunno! But you can't miss
his house, it's the one with
the Jolly Roger flying from
the chimney!
Slater
Oh, that takes me back Del Boy!
D' you remember when we was
kids, Used to go over the pond
to play at pirates? You were
Dan Tempest - Trigger was Long
John Silver. And what
character did I play Del?
Del
You played the bloke what
walked the plank.
Slater
Oh, yeah! The bloke that
walked the plank! I was always
the bloke that walked the
plank, wasn't I? I must of
been in and out of that pond
more times than a duck's head.
I always wanted to be
Bluebeard!
Del
Well you should have said so!
Slater
I did say! But you'd never let
me!
Del
I did - once!
Slater
Oh yeah I remember. That was
the day Bluebeard had to walk
the plank weren't it?
Del
I tried to be friendly Slater,
but you were such a snide
there was no helping you!
Slater
You tried to be friendly? Like
when??
Del
Do you remember that time when
all the boys dragged you to
the ground, and Fatty Walker
sat on yer face and Trigger
put all that itching powder in
your belly button?
Slater
...Vaguely!
Del
Yeah, well I was the one that
made 'em stop at your belly
button! They were all for
having your braces off! And
how did you repay my act of
kindness? You caught me behind
the bike shed with some bird
and you went and told the
headmaster!
Slater
It was my sister!
Del
See, you always let personal
feelings creep into it, didn't
you?
Slater
Right! Down to business! The
face that dropped the micro-
wave oven in the market! What
did he look like?
Del
Oh, he was about average height.
ANOTHER ROOM - BLANK BACKGROUND.
Grandad
He was a great big tall fella!
ANOTHER ROOM - COLOUR BACKGROUND.
Rodney
Oh, he was little more than a
dwarf!
Slater
(OS)
Age?
Rodney
About 25.
ROOM - BLANK BACKGROUND.
Grandad
Middle fifties!
INTERVIEW ROOM.
Del
He was just a kid!
Slater
(OS)
What about his ethnic group?
Del
Well, I didn't notice anyone
with him!
Slater
No, I mean was he corcasian?
ROOM - BLANK BACKGROUND.
Grandad
No he was a white fella!
ROOM - COLOUR BACKGROUND.
Rodney
He was African, I think!
INT. THE POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM. NIGHT.
Hoskins is standing by the door. Del is seated at the
table and is obviously feeling the effects of the long
night. His jacket has been removed and his tie loosened.
His shirt cuffs have been folded back to reveal a
chunky gold bracelet on one wrist and a gold watch on
the other. Del checks his watch.
Del
Is he allowed to keep us here
this long?
Hoskins
No.
Del
Does that mean we can go then?
Hoskins
No.
Del
Triffic!
Hoskins
Well, you shouldn't get your-
self involved with hooky gear
should you!
Del
No, no, you're absolutely
right young Terry! How's that
gas fire I sold yer Mum,
alright is it?
Hoskins
Oh, er, yeah, cheers Del!
Look, why don't you do your-
self a favour and give him the
name of the bloke? He'll get
it out of you in the end, he
always does! Slater's a nasty
piece of work. The only people
that hate him more than the
villains, is us coppers!
Del
Supposing I gave him the
bloke's name, what would
happen to him?
Hoskins
See that filing cabinet over
there? That his full to the
top with unsolved crimes.
Slater would lay the whole lot
on the bloke. So after only
two weeks at the station he'll
have doubled the conviction
rate. The public are
reassured, Slater gets his
promotion, and the Commander
takes another step closer to
his CBE! And everybody's
happy!
Del
All except the poor sod who's
gone down the Kermit! Na, I'm
not gonna tell him nothing.
Hoskins
Well watch out for him, Del,
he's got no scruples, he'll
try anything!
Slater enters carrying a mug of tea and a couple of
files.
Slater
Alright Hoskins, you can go
and have yer supper break
now.
Hoskins
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Slater
Shame the canteen's just closed
innit?
Hoskins exits the room.
Slater (cont'd)
Sorry Del, did you want a cup
of tea?
Del
No, it's all right, Slater, I
had one yesterday!
Slater
Good, good!
He starts reading some of the paperwork. He begins to
laugh.
Slater (cont'd)
Sorry, Del Boy. I'm just
reading these descriptions of
the Phantom of the Market! Oh,
it's good, Del. It's good!
According to you and your
family, we are looking for a
6ft 7in dwarf, aged between 15
and 50, a white male with
oriental features, who's as
black as Newgate's knocker!
And, oh yeah, he wears a deaf-
aid!
Del
Not a lot to go on inspector!
Slater
If I was to take this lot into
court I could have you for
perjury as well!
(Referring to one
of his files)
I've just found this in our
records department.
Del
I hope it's Barry Manilow!
Slater
No, it's not Barry Manilow Del!
It says here Criminal file
number 94628/A76. Name:
Trotter! Rodney!
Del
Now, listen Sla - Roy. Now,
just - here now come on. Let's
leave Rodney out of this, eh?
Slater
He was a little scallywag at
that art school weren't he?
Caught in some tart's room
puffing a Moroccan Woodbine.
Del
Now listen, he was innocent!
Slater
Well, not according to this he
weren't!
Del
He only went down to her room
to borrow some charcoal!
Slater
Whatever he was smoking when
the police burst in, it
weren't charcoal Del! Now, I
wonder what would happen if,
horror of horrors, I was to
discover an illegal substance
in one of Rodney's pockets.
Del
Leave it out Slater - you know
Rodney's got nothing in his
pockets!
Slater
That's soon remedied.
Del
I see, and what are you gonna
stitch Grandad up with, eh?
Found in possession of a
forged bus-pass, or demanding
protection money from the
local Derby and Joan club?
Slater
Oh no, I'll see that Grandad's
kept out of this. And while
you and Rodney are away sewing
mail bags - Grandad'll be back
on the estate...Alone!
Del
Just what is that supposed to
mean?
Slater
Dangerous places them estates
Del! I do hope Grandad doesn't
fall victim to the mindless
filth that walks our streets!
Del
I thought you drove everywhere
nowadays. Listen to me Slater
- I know a lot of coppers and
they're all good blokes. I
mean, I don't like 'em, but
they play a fair game. And
then there's you, you dirty
stinking...
Slater
Steady Del! I don't want to
have to add abusive language
to your ever growing list of
offences! I might not have room
on the charge sheet! You and
young Rodney are going down
for at least a year apiece!
Unless you give me the name of
the mush who nicked the
microwave.
Del
Oh, leave it out Slater. You
know I can't do that. It's
against my principles! My
Mum'd turn in her grave if she
knew I'd become a copper's
nark!
Slater
(Picks up phone)
Well, you're gonna have a lot
of time to think about your
principles! I hope the
porridge ain't too lumpy! I'll
get the charge sheets typed
up.
Del is a desperate man. His eyes are closed with intense
thought. Then they open, an idea is born. Del smiles to
himself.
Del
Now, just a minute - Roy.
Let's not be hasty! I think we
can make a deal.
Slater
I don't like deals!
Del
You're gonna like this one! I
give you the name of the bloke
that stole that oven, you let
Rodney and Grandad go - no
charges.
Slater
Yeah, alright. I'll let them
go.
Del
And you'll also drop all
charges against me!
Slater
Oh come on Del, I'm looking
forward to that!
Del
You don't seem to understand
what I'm saying Slater! Once
I've given you the name, I'll
be one of your - grasses.
Slater
Oh Del, Del Boy, that is
beautiful! You would be one of
my merry men! I'd have you in
my pocket, I could bounce you
about and make you dance when-
ever I felt bored! And if you
ever stepped out of line, I'd
let it be known on the streets
that you're an informer!
Del
Yeah! I know!
Slater
The deal's on my old hoppo.
I'll drop the charges against
you, you have my word.
Del
Your Word! Your word means
about as much as the guarantee
on that hooky microwave! No, I
want immunity from prosecution.
And I want it in writing and I
want it signed, sealed and
delivered.
Slater
I'll get it arranged right
away Derek. Oh, we're gonna
have a good future together
you and me, I can feel it.
What's wrong Del? Cursing the
day you crossed me?
Del
No, I'm cursing the day I made
them stop at your belly
button!
INT. CORRIDOR IN POLICE STATION. NIGHT.
Rodney and Grandad are in the corridor. Grandad is seated
directly below a "Watch Out There's a Thief About' poster.
He sees it and moves his chair closer to Rodney.
Grandad
Why's he keeping Del Boy in
there?
Rodney
That's about the 38th time
you've asked me that in the
last 'alf hour! And for the
38th time Grandad, I'm telling
you, I don't know.
Grandad
I thought he'd just charge Del
with receiving, he'd get a
fifty pound fine, and then it
would all be forgot about!
Rodney
That's what I thought!
Grandad
So did I! So why's he keeping
him in there?
Rodney
Gawd bless my old brown...I
don't bloody know Grandad.
Grandad
Well, Rodney...
The door to the interview room opens and Hoskins looks
out to see what all the noise is. Rodney and Grandad
smile nervously at him.
Hoskins
Look I thought I told you two
you were free to go!
Grandad
Oh, we thought we'd hang on
for a while.
Rodney
Yeah, it's good here, innit?
Slater exits from the charge room carrying a piece of
paper.
Slater
Still here?
Rodney
We're waiting for Del.
Grandad
Will he be long son?
Slater
Only as long as it takes him
to tell me who nicked the
microwave.
Rodney
Better get our heads down till
the morning then!
Slater
Oh, no, Del's seen the light.
He's decided to cooperate.
Grandad
No, you're pulling our legs!
Slater
D'you reckon? Why don't you
come in and see for yourself.
Come on.
INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM. NIGHT.
Del is seated at the table. Slater enters followed by
Rodney and Grandad.
Slater
Alright Hoskins, away you go,
canteen's open now.
Hoskins
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Hoskins exits.
Slater
(Throws paper on
the desk)
There you are, Del Boy, your
immunity from prosecution,
signed by the Superintendent
himself.
Rodney
What are you playing at, Del??!!
Del
What're they doing 'ere?
Slater
Oh I thought it'd be interest-
ing for them to see you in
your real light. The Great Del
Boy, the man who could talk
his way out of a room with no
doors, reduced to this,
grassing.
Del
I've gotta tell him Rodney.
He's got me all ends up...I've
got no choice.
Grandad
But you don't know his name
Del. He was just a bloke in
the market!
Del
Oh leave it out, Grandad. If
Mr Slater was to believe our
description he'd have his men
searching for a someone who's
a cross between Tom Thumb
and the Jolly Green Giant!
Slater
With a deaf-aid!
Del
With a deaf aid! Rodney, I
wasn't doing it just for my-
self. He threatened to plant
something on you and set you
up for a bit of bird.!
Rodney
But, but that's against the
law!
Slater
Well phone the Police!
Rodney
Don't tell him Del.
Del
Look, I've got to Rodney.
Otherwise it'll mean you and
me will go down the road and
Grandad's gonna be left alone
on the estate, see? I've got
no choice, I've got no choice!
Alright Mr. Slater let's get
down to business.
Slater
Oh Del, Del Boy, those words
are music to my ears. I will
cherish this moment! Righto
Del, who nicked it?
Del
(Indicating Rodney
and Grandad)
They are free to go ain't they?
Slater
Yeah, they're free to go - no
charges, they can leave when-
ever they like. OK, give me
his name.
Del
You've got nothing on me either?
Slater
(Losing his temper)
No! You've got an immunity
from prosecution. You've got
less chance of a pull than the
Queen.
Del signs the paper.
Del
Long as I know.
Slater
Right, for the third and last
time of asking, who nicked the
microwave off the back of the
lorry?
Del looks anxiously at Rodney and Grandad.
Del
I did!
He smiles triumphantly at Slater.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.