THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is at the table eating a Chinese take-away. As he
eats he reads an edition of 'Penthouse'. Grandad is
seated watching the TVs. The door opens and the ends of
three fishing rods poke into the room. Del enters holding
the other ends of the rods. He also carries a couple of
angler's wicker boxes, a couple of keep-nets and a couple
of pairs of waders.
Del
Here we are. Guess where we're
going at the weekend?
Rodney
No. Give us a clue.
Del
Alright Rodders, if you insist.
Del opens a round aluminium tin and puts it next to
Rodney's rice. It is full of maggots.
Rodney
Eerrgh, you pig, you. Geddit
away.
Del
How's that rice going down,
alright?
Rodney
Geddit out.
Grandad
Where are we going then Del?
Del
We're going skiing. Where d'you
think we're going you soppy
old...We're going fishing
aren't we?
Grandad
Well, I know that. I mean
where?
Del
Oh. I see what you mean, we're
going to a place called
Tregower.
Rodney
Where's that?
Del
Cornwall.
Rodney and Grandad
Cornwall?
Grandad
Why are we going all the way
down there?
Del
Because that's where Boycie's
weekend cottage is. I had
dinner with him lat night at
Mario's restaurant and he
happened to mention he'd got
this weekend cottage and it
was free and so Bob's yer
uncle.
Grandad
How much rent he charging you?
Del
Nothing.
Rodney
He's letting us have it for
free?
Del
Yeah, all for gratis.
Rodney
(Suspicious)
Come on, Del, there's gotta be
something behind this. 'Cos
Boycie would scalp you if
dandruff had a going rate.
Del
You're becoming so cynical
Rodney. He's just doing a mate
a favour isn't he, eh?
Rodney
Wait a minute. You met him in
Mario's?
Del
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Grandad come on, look, clear
all this fishing gear will
you 'cos I want to pop out.
Rodney
Mario's is a fish restaurant.
Del
Is it? Yeah, see you later.
Rodney
Bit of a coincidence Del,
innit, you meeting him in a
fish restaurant and the next
thing we're all going fishing.
Del
He's like Elliot bleedin' Ness
at times ain't he, eh? Alright
Rodney, I was gonna tell you
when we got down there - you
know - as a sort of surprise
like.
Rodney
Oh yeah!
Del
Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah.
Well, this cottage happens to
near one of the finest
salmon fishing streams in
England. Now Mario has agreed
to pay us ten quid for every
fish that we bring back. Now
Boycie and I are going to
halve it, that's a fiver each.
So let's say that we - we do
what, 60 fish, that will be
300 sovs in our pocket. We
split it three ways that means
you and Grandad get fifty quid
each, a weekend's fishing and
free digs. Now, what d'you
reckon to that?
Rodney
I reckon it's illegal.
Del
You hurt me sometimes Rodney.
You really do, you don't even
let me finish before you go
jumping to your nasty little
conclusions.
Grandad
It's lucky you ain't a judge
Rodney - you'd hang 'em before
they'd finished the oath.
Rodney
Alright. Alright. I'm sorry.
I just thought.
Del
Yeah, I know exactly what you
thought.
Rodney
So we've got permission have
we?
Del
Well, we will have. We see the
gamekeeper when we get down
there and pay him 25 quid.
Rodney
What and he gives us a fishing
permit?
Del
No - he shows us the hole in
the fence.
Rodney
I knew it.
Del
It's called business.
Rodney
It's called stealing.
Grandad
No it ain't Rodney.
Del
Listen to your Grandad.
Grandad
It's called poaching.
Rodney
And what do we know about
that, eh?
(Indicating Grandad)
Del, he can't even poach an
egg!
Del
Rodney, it'll be a doddle.
This stream's jam-packed with
salmon. We just put our hooks
in and whip 'em out.
Rodney
Del - it is illegal, it is
immoral, it is unethical.
Del
Alright, me and Grandad'll go
on our own, and split the
profits between us.
Rodney
(Sudden change
of mind)
Now I didn't say I wouldn't
come, did I?
A BY-PASS OR MOTORWAY.
The fishing rods are tied to a roof rack on the van. It
passes a sign saying 'The West'.
Rodney
(Voice over with
Rodney Singing)
'Gone poaching, ba ba ba ba,
left a sign upon the door.
Gone poaching, ba ba.'
Del
You keep on Rodney and you're
gonna get a smack right in
the ear'ole.
VAN.
There is a violent storm. The van is waved down by a
policeman with a torch at the side of the road.
Rodney
Oi, oi, oi, what' all this
about?
Del
Ooh my Gawd, it's the Old Bill!
Grandad
Someone's doubled you up about
them salmon.
Del
Ssh. Look, just let me do the
talking.
The van pulls to a halt. Del winds the window down.
Del (cont')
Good evening Officer. Now, if
it's about the tax disc I can
assure you that the new one
is in the post.
PC
It's nothing to do with your
road fund licence sir. Down
for a bit of fishing are we?
Del
No, no, no, no, nothing like
that, no.
PC
Then why have you got three
fishing rods tied to yer roof
rack?
Rodney
No, no, 'cos you remember we
said we might do a little bit
of fishing.
Del
Yeah, that's right, yeah,
yeah, might do - you know -
just a little bit - tiddlers.
Grandad
No salmon though.
PC
I see. You haven't given any-
one a lift in the last half-
hour or so have you sir?
Del
No. Look, what is all this
about anyway?
PC
We've just had word that a
patient’s escaped from the
local hospital.
Rodney
Escaped? What you got out
here, national health stalags?
PC
It's no ordinary hospital sir.
It's an institute for the
criminally insane. See, this
storm's brought a few power
cables down, blacked out the
entire area. It even put the
institute's security system
out of action. So this patient
took his chance and made of
across the moors. He's out
there somewhere now. For all
I know he could be watching
us.
Del
What was he in there for any-
way?
PC
Ten years ago this very night,
he killed a party of weekend
fishermen. You may have seen it
on the TV? They called him the
Axe Murderer.
Del
No, no, no, I must have been
out that night.
PC
You good people be very
careful. Don't pick up any
hitch-hikers, don't stop for
anyone, no matter what the
circumstances. And, if you see
or hear anything suspicious,
phone the police immediately.
Your lives may depend on it.
Right gentlemen - have a nice
weekend won't you?
Del
(Weakly)
Yeah, thank you...
(Pulling himself
together)
Yeah, well, come on. Full ahead
both Rodney.
Grandad
We ain't going on are we?
Del
Yeah, course we are.
Rodney
Del, there is a crazed axe
murderer out there somewhere.
Del
I know that Rodders, but you
seem to be forgetting that
we're on a 300 quid earner.
Don't worry, we'll be locked
up safe and sound in Boycie's
cottage. Anyway there's three
of us...
Del has seen Grandad's frightened expression.
Del (cont'd)
There's me and you...
Del sees Rodney's frightened expression.
Del (cont'd)
Don't worry, I'll look after
you!
THE COTTAGE/WOODLANDS.
The cottage stands alone. A small dirt track leads
through the trees to it. The storm continues as the van
makes its way own the track. It pulls up outside the
cottage. Del limbs out, opening an umbrella.
Del
Right, get this stuff out of
here, come on.
Rodney
Alright. Grandad.
In the foliage a man's heavy breathing can be heard. He
moves the foliage with his hand to get a better view of
the Trotters as they enter the cottage.
THE COTTAGE. LIVING ROOM.
The decor and furnishing is basic but comfortable. Del
enters and tries to switch a light on. The place
remains in darkness and Del remembers the entire area
has been blacked out.
Grandad and Rodney enter.
Grandad
I wish you'd shut up Rodney,
you're making me nervous.
Rodney
Look, I didn't say I saw
'someone' did I? Just that I
saw 'something'.
Del
Yeah, alright don't worry, get
them lanterns going will you
Rodney.
Rodney
Why, what's wrong with the
lights?
Del
No electric is there.
Rodney
Someone's been tampering with
it.
Del
No, look, the storm has blown
the power cables down
remember? The whole area's
blacked out innit?
Rodney
Oh yeah!
Del
Yeah, I'll just see if I can
find some candles in this
cupboard over here...
He sees Rodney dialing the telephone.
Del (cont'd)
What are you doing?
Rodney
I'm phoning the law!
Del
You're doing what? What are
you trying to do to me? Cor,
look, we're down here doing a
bit of 'fishing', the last
thing we need is the local
Polizia sniffing round our
keep-nets.
Rodney
Look, that copper said that if
we see or hear anything
suspicious phone the police
immediately - our lives could
depend on it.
Del
Alright then, who have you
seen Hawkeye?
Rodney
I saw a - well, a movement in
the trees.
Del
A movement? Of course you're
gonna see movement in the
trees - there's a ruddy
typhoid blowing out there.
Rodney
Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
Del
It's alright, come on, pull
yourself together, alright.
Del
That's it.
Rodney
It's a typhoon.
Del
Good idea Rodney, put the
kettle on, we'll have a nice
cup of tea.
Rodney
Del, there's only an electric
kettle out there.
Grandad
Well, use a saucepan then.
Rodney
No, there ain't none.
Del
Gordon Bennett. Look, come out
of my way, look, I'll do it.
Here, look - have a look in
that cupboard, see if Boycie's
left any scotch will you. If
he hasn't we'll have to drink
mine!
KITCHEN.
Del enters and begins filling the saucepan from the tap.
Del
Here you are Rodney. See what
I mean, there ain't no ghosts
or ghouls out here!
At the kitchen window, there is a flash of lightning
and a silhouette of a man standing outside the kitchen
window.
LIVING ROOM.
Rodney is kneeling at the open door of the sideboard
with a horrified expression. Grandad is close by
looking equally horrified.
Grandad
Del Boy, come in here quick.
Rodney's found something!
Del enters.
Del
Has he? What?
Rodney produces a game of monopoly.
Del (cont'd)
Monopoly! Oh, now we are all
doomed!
Grandad
Not the monopoly!
Rodney produces a hand axe.
Del
Well, it's only a chopper.
Rodney
It's an axe!
Del
Same thing.
Rodney
No, Del. The police ain't
looking for an escaped chopper
murderer.
Del
Let - just a minute - let me
ask you two something. Where
are we?
Grandad
We're in schtuck!
Del
No! We're in the country,
aren’t we? And country people
have these things hanging
about. It's part and parcel
of their lives.
Rodney
Alright, let me ask you some-
thing. Where do you think that
escaped bloke is right now?
Del
Probably out there on them
moors.
Rodney
In this weather?
Del
Well, he's mad ain't he?
Grandad
He might be mad, he'd have to
be bloody stupid to be out in
the moors.
Rodney
Exactly. I reckon he'd have
holed up somewhere. Found him-
self an empty place. Like this!
Del
Yeah, but this place ain't
empty, is it?
Rodney
It was before we arrived, Del.
Rodney looks fearfully up the stairs.
Del
What d'you reckon, alright
then, he's up there having a
kip?
Grandad
Well, he could be up there.
Del
Well I shouldn't let it worry
you Grandad, 'cos the three
bears have probably eaten him
by now. I mean, what is this
fairy story that you're giving
me? What's the matter with you
two? You been sniffing the
bostik or something?
Rodney
Alright then, well, why don't
you go up the wooden hill to
Bedfordshire and check it
out?
Del
I don't have to. Look, I mean,
listen, would any self-
respecting axe murderer pop
upstairs for 40 winks and
leave his chopper in the
sideboard?
Rodney
He might have a spare one.
Del
He's got a kit of 'em now has
he? I suppose he's got a
little caddie that carries
'em round for him. And another
thing. If the man of the
moment is upstairs having a
lie-in, who was that you saw
out there in the trees? His
brother?
Rodney
Oh yeah, that's right.
Grandad
He can't be in to places at
once.
Rodney
No, of course not. Oh, he's
most probably half-way to
London by now.
Del
Yeah, of course he is. He's
most probably looking for an
empty place up there.
Grandad
Hope he don't find our flat!
Del
Will you hut up? Will you just
stop all this nonsense? Now
look, are we all agreed that
we are safe and sound?
Grandad
Well, well yeah.
Del
Right. Right. Now can you
just, like, relax a bit now,
you know. Alright? Here you
are. Now, I wonder where the
toilet is?
Rodney
It's outside, I saw it as we
come in.
Del
Right!
Del moves to the door then stops.
Del (cont'd)
I think I'll leave it till
morning.
THE LIVING ROOM.
It is later. The Trotters are playing Monopoly. Del is
winning. Rodney is moving his symbol around the board.
Del
Ah - Park lane. I think that's
one of my properties Rodney.
Rodney
Course it is - you own every-
thing on the board.
Del
No I don't, no I don't. Look,
you've got Coventry Street.
Grandad's got the Waterworks
and all that. Ah, yeah, Park
Lane, with one hotel, two
thousand please.
Rodney
Two - hold on. According to
this it only fifteen hundred!
Del
Yes, I know, but I've put you
in the penthouse suite
haven't I?
Rodney
I don't want the penthouse
suite do I!
(Hands money to
Del)
There you go, fifteen hundred
quid - that's all you're
getting!
Grandad
He's like a big kid ain't he?
Del
Yeah, well, I give up on him,
Grandad.
Rodney
It's your go, Grandfather...
Grandad rolls the dice and moves his symbol.
Rodney
Ah, Piccadilly. Right that's
mine and I've got an hotel, so
that's twelve hundred pounds!
Grandad
Twelve hundred quid for a
hotel next to a smelly old
waterworks?
Rodney
What?
Grandad
All them sewers. I'd rather
sleep in the car or look for
a bed and breakfast.
Rodney
No - no you don't understand.
Bless his little...Look, it's
in the rules.
Grandad
Twelve hundred quid - it's
scandalous. I ain't a tourist
you know.
Rodney
Del, can you have a word with
him?
Del
Well, I think he's got a point,
Rodney. I mean, I don't know
what possessed you to build a
hotel next to the sewage farm
in the first place. I mean,
let's face it, your gaff's
never going to get into the
Michelin Guide is it?
Rodney
But the point of the...
Rodney cannot find an answer. In frustration, he flips
the Monopoly board up in the air, scattering the pieces
everywhere.
Rodney (cont'd)
Stupid bloody game!
Del
Oh that's charming that is
innit, eh?
Grandad
Just because you're losing.
Rodney
Oh shuddup.
Del
You wanna learn to grow up a
bit my son.
Rodney
I didn't wanna play this
stupid bloody game in the
first place.
Del
Yeah, alright. Grandad, I
think there's an hotel under-
neath your chair. If there's
any money down there it's
mine, alright. There's the
car...any more money down
there?
Rodney is at the window. For no other reason than for
something to do, he leans towards the window and pulls
the curtains open. On the other side of the glass, only
inches from his face, is a man.
There is a slight pause. Rodney appears frozen. He pulls
the curtain closed and turns to Del and Grandad who are
still scrambling on the floor for pieces.
Rodney
Del.
Del
Don't you speak to me Rodney,
I'm finished with yer.
Rodney
Del, there is a man at the
window.
Del
You what?
Rodney
There is a man at the window.
Grandad
He ain't got a bucket and a
shammy leather has he?
Rodney
I'm being serious, Del. There
is somebody at the window!
Rodney's tone of voice forces Del to take him seriously.
Del
Alright Roddy - alright. Relax,
just take it easy alright?
I'll take a look.
Del moves to the window and pulls the curtain open. The
man has gone.
Del (cont'd)
There's no one out there,
Rodney, Look. There's no one
out there.
Rodney
He was there, Del, I swear to
you. My face was inches from
that glass.
Grandad
What did he look like?
Rodney
Horrible. He had these evil
eyes and this grotesque evil
face.
Del
Maybe it was a reflection!
Rodney
That was no reflection Del, I
swear to God...What d'yer mean
'a reflection'?
Del
No, no, what I mean is that
your imagination sometimes
play games with you, you know.
It tricks you into believing
that you saw something that
isn't really there.
Rodney
Del, I saw the rain running
down his forehead, I saw the
blood vessels in the whites of
his eyes. I saw the hairs
coming out of his nostrils.
Grandad
It might have been the shadows
in the trees, Rodney.
There is a loud thumping on the front door. The Trotters
freeze. Another loud thumping follows. A well-spoken
voice is heard.
Chief
(Out of view)
Is anyone there?
Grandad
I think there's someone at the
door!
Rodney
No, no, it's most probably
just the shadows.
Del
Shadows? Well until they start
singing Summer Holiday we'll
expect the worst.
(Calls)
Who's there?
Chief
(Out of view)
Oh good evening. My name's
Robson, I'm chief of security
at the institution.
Rodney
Oh thank Gawd for that!
Del
(Grabbing Rodney's
arm)
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
Rodney
He's chief of security at the
hospital.
Del
Says who?
Rodney
Well he, just his minute...oh
yeah!
Del
He could be anyone couldn't
he? You get ready!
Del opens the door. Momentarily, the chief can be seen.
He is in his early forties, wears a uniform and cap and
also a waterproof cape. He smiles and is about to enter
when Del slams the door on him.
Del (cont'd)
Well?
Rodney
Well what?
Del
Is that him?
Rodney
Who?
Del
The face at the window.
Rodney
I don't know, I didn't look!
Del
You wally!
Rodney
You never said what you was
gonna do.
Chief
(Out of view)
Is everything alright?
Del
Yeah... I won't keep you a
minute Chief.
(To Rodney)
Now do it - do it gain and
this time take a good look.
Rodney
Alright.
Del
Alright ready.
Del swings the door open.
Chief
Good evening.
He is about to step in when Del slams the door again.
Del
Well?
Rodney
No, it's not him.
Del
You sure?
Rodney
Yeah, I'm positive. That is
definitely not him.
Del
Alright.
(Opening door)
Do come in, Chief.
The Chief enters and removes his cape.
Chief
Thank you. Appauling weather.
Del
Yes, sorry about leaving you
standing out there but you
can't be too sure can you -
you know. We thought you might
be a double-glazing salesman!
Chief
What? Oh yes.
The Chief takes a wallet from his pocket.
Chief (cont'd)
Well, if you'd like to see
some identification there's
everything there from my
driving licence to my blood
donor's card.
Del
Oh no, no, that's alright,
alright. Rodney, fix the Chief
a drink will you? So, you
haven't caught him then yet?
Chief
Unfortunately no. We've
extended the search up to this
area now. We've the entire
police orces of three counties
out looking for him. I was
passing, saw a light. What
exactly are you gentlemen
doing here?
Grandad
Oh, we're on a fishing trip.
Chief
I don't suppose you've seen
anything?
Grandad
Well other than the face at
the window, nothing.
Chief
Face at the window?
Del
Yeah, well, Rodney here
reckoned he saw a face at the
window. I don't know whether
to believe him or not.
Rodney
Oh I saw him Del, I was only
sort of like three inches
away from him.
Chief
Could you describe him for me?
Rodney
Yeah, of course I could. He
was about 50. He had this
gaunt, hungry expression and
his eyes were like wild
animal's.
Del
And hairs out of his nostrils!
Rodney
Yeah, and there was all that!
Chief
You're quite certain it wasn't
a reflection?
Rodney
Look, it was not a reflection!
Chief
I'm sorry, but at times like
these people's imagination run
amok. Why, we've had 200
sightings this evening alone.
What was the colour of his
hair?
Rodney has not quite understood the question. He puts
his hand to his nostrils.
Chief (cont'd)
On his head!
Rodney
Oh, er, grey.
Chief
Sounds like my man. When
exactly did this happen?
Del
Well just no. A minute or so
before you arrived.
Chief
So he must have seen me.
Chief looks from the window.
Del
D'you reckon he's still out
there then?
Chief
Oh no, he'd be long gone by
now. It's the uniform you see
- he's terrified of people in
authority. Well, after ten
years in an institution who
wouldn't be?
Del
Yeah, well, I feel sorry for
the poor little cock. Chief,
do you mind if I ask you
something?
Chief
What's that?
Del
Well is it safe for me to go
to the khazi? I mean it's
outside.
Chief
Oh you're perfectly safe.
He'll be a long way away by
now.
Del goes to the door, opens it and surveys outside.
Del
Oh good! Right, that's alright
then.
Rodney
Well go on then Del, there's
nothing to be frightened of now.
Del
I know, you don't have to go
out here, do you?
Rodney
You heard what the Chief said.
Go on, there's no need to
worry.
Del
Yeah, well, alright.
Del exits.
Rodney closes the door, turns the key and then slides
the slip bolts across at the top and bottom of the
door.
Rodney
He's such a worrier.
Chief
You weren't frightened at all?
Rodney
Me? Na. No 'cos you see, in
the past I have done work for
the mentally disturbed.
Grandad
He went out selling flags one
Saturday.
Rodney
Well yeah, but, er, I can
actually sympathise with this
guy's problems.
Grandad
Sympathise? But he's psycho.
Chief
Have you any idea what a
'psycho', as you so eloquently
put it, is?
Grandad
Course I have. He's a geezer
that dresses up in his
mother's clothes.
THE COTTAGE.
'The Man' appears. He moves towards the cottage. As he
reaches the door of the outside toilet it flies open,
masking the man. Del exits from the lavvy. He closes
the door to reveal the man lying spread-eagled on the
ground.
Del
Bloody hell's bells. Rodney,
Grandad, come out here quick,
bring some rope.
A RURAL POLICE STATION.
The rain has ceased. Grandad stands guard at the back of
the van. Rodney, followed by a police sergeant and a
couple of constables, exits from the station.
Rodney
Yeah, so then, right, I grab-
bed the axe out of his hand
and I cracked him good and
hard on the jaw, so obviously
he went down right. Then I
tied him up good and tight
and we bundled him into the
back of the van.
Sarge
Good work lad. You say you
captured him single handed?
Rodney
Yeah. Well, no, Del, my
brother, back at the cottage
he helped a bit.
Grandad
You're too modest, Rodney.
Sarge
Well, there could be a medal
in this.
Rodney
(Shrugging
modestly)
Well.
Sarge
Right, get ready lads, this
one could be a handful.
They pull the man up, then turn to Rodney.
Sarge (cont'd)
Is this some kind of joke?
Rodney
What d'you mean?
Sarge
This is no escaped lunatic.
This is Tome Witton, the game-
keeper. And you shouldn't have
gagged him like that, he
suffers from asthma.
Sarge removes the gag and we hear the gamekeeper's heavy
breathing.
Rodney
Now hold on a minute - the
Chief of Security from the
Institution itself said it was
him.
Sarge
What Chief of Security?
Grandad
What's his name? Robson. I
mean, you can ask him
yourself, he's back at the
cottage with Del.
Sarge
Chief Robson is not at the
cottage - he's at the
hospital. The escaped man hit
him on the head then stole
his uniform and his identity
papers.
THE COTTAGE LIVING ROOM
Del
Well, I still reckon we should
have gone with 'em.
Chief
No. It was imperative that I
made out my report immediate-
ly. And after all I needed you
here with me, you were the
one who recaptured him.
Del
Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah.
Hey, what do you say we have
a nice little drink to
celebrate, eh?
Del moves towards a bottle of scotch. The Chief has a
manic glaze in his eyes.
Del pours the drinks. He looks from a window.
Del (cont'd)
The old weather's clearing up
nicely. Look at that, it's a
full moon.
The chief reacts. He moves towards Del who has his back
to the Chief. He reaches his hand as if to take Del by
the back of the neck. Del turns an places the glass in
his outstretched hand.
Del (cont'd)
There you go, Chief...
The telephone rings, Del answers it.
Del
Excuse me. Yes, hello. Hello
...Rodders, did you get there
all...Yeah. Em. He's what??
Del turns and gives the Chief a forced smile.
Del (cont'd)
Alright? No, you alright? The
Chief's just standing there,
you know, examining his axe...
Yeah, alright then. You'll
hurry back won't you? Alright
goodbye.
(Replacing receiver)
Just phoned up to tell us he
got here alright.
Chief
Good. Do you like fish?
Del
What?
Chief
Do you like fish??
Del
Oh yeah, yeah, little bit of
salt an' vinegar, they're
lovely.
Chief
I only like living fish. Fish
that swim in the rivers and
the seas. I don't like people
that kill them.
Del
No, no, no, don't like that
sort myself either.
Chief
But I saw fishing rods on your
van.
Del
No, no, no, they didn't belong
to me, they belong to my
brother and Grandad. I mean,
I keep telling them. I beg
'em not to hurt the poor
little fishies. I mean, I
only come down here for the
fresh air.
Chief
Do you like snooker?
Del
Snooker?
Chief
Yes.
Del
Do you?
Chief
Oh yes.
Del
So do I. It's triffic innit?
Chief
Shall we play a game?
Del
Of snooker?
Chief
Yes.
Del
Yeah, yeah, alright. I'll tell
you what. I'll jut pop out to
the shed at the bottom of the
garden 'cos I think I remember
seeing a snooker table in
there.
The Chief indicates the middle of the room.
Chief
No need, we'll use this one
here.
Del
What you mean this one here,
you mean?
Chief
Yes.
Del
Yeah, yeah okay.
There is the sound of a helicopter passing over. Del
looks from the window, closing his eyes with relief.
Chief
Is that a police helicopter?
Del
No, you're alight.
(A quick thought)
It's Barratts!!
Chief
Good. You can break.
Del prepares himself for the gamble of the evening. He
reaches out tentatively for the axe.
Del
Um, I tell you what, why don't
I put that somewhere safe?
Because you won't be able to
hold yer cue properly with
that in your hand, will you?
For a moment the Chief is wary and defensive.
Chief
No, I suppose you're right.
Del
(Slowly taking
the axe)
Yeah, course I am. You know it
makes sense.
Del looks up to God in silent gratitude.
The Chief thrusts both hands out in front of him, fists
clenched.
Chief
Which cue would you like?
Del
I'll have this one.
He is handed the right hand 'cue'.
Chief
(Indicting his left
hand 'cue')
Good, this is my favourite.
Del
Yeah, you can see it's a good
'un, can't you?
Chief
I'm not very good at snooker.
I always lose.
Del
I've got a feeling you're
gonna win this one.
Chief
I hope not. I don't like
winning. My father used to
force me to win at everything
I did. But people challenge
winners. You become
vulnerable, you feel open
to attack. Do you know
the feeling?
Del
(Emphatically)
Yeah, yeah, I know exactly
what you mean.
Chief
But losers are anonymous. No
one wants to challenge a
loser. There's something
comforting in defeat. I
really like losing.
Del
(A scheme is
being born)
Do you? Well, what do you say
we make this game a little
more interesting? Shall we
play for a tenner a frame?
Del produces his wallet.
Chief
Alright.
Del
(Quietly)
Got a feeling that this week-
end is not going to be a total
loss after all.
Chief
Sorry?
Del
Nothing.
(Surveys the room)
Got the chalk? Thanks.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.