THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Del is brushing his hair in the mirror. He wears white
slacks, white loafers, a brown leather bomber and all
the gold. Rodney, wearing his usual 'Man from Oxfam'
clothes, enters from the bedroom area.
Rodney
Yeah, well, you try and have a
nice kip, eh? His legs are
still playing him up.
Del
Well, I told him not to run in
the London Marathon?
Rodney
Anyway, he's not coming to the
tenants' meeting with us.
You're still coming ain't yer?
Rodney sits at the table and begins writing in a note-
book.
Del
Eh? No way bruv, I'm going out
with that little waitress that
I blagged from the Pizza
Palace.
Rodney
Eh? How did you manage to pull
her?
Del
Well, I read somewhere that
woman were turned on by men in
situations of power. So I told
her I was a Euro Minister.
Rodney
And she believed you?
Del
Oh yeah.
Rodney
She must be thicker than them
pizzas she dishes out.
Del
Oi, don't get sardonic.
(Referring to Rodney's
notepad)
Here what's all this about
anyway?
Rodney
I'm writing out a list of
questions I want to ask at the
meeting.
Del
Oh yeah, like why the lifts
are still out of action in our
block?
Rodney
No, more important things than
that, Del.
Del
Oh yeah.
Rodney
I mean, in the last year or so
we've had a crime explosion on
this estate, yeah, and yet the
police don't come near or by.
And I want to know the reason.
Del
Well, they can't get on the
estate, can they? The natives
won't let 'em.
Rodney
Come on, that is rubbish.
Del
No, no, it ain't. Look, last
month a copper came round just
to return a lost dog and we
had three nights of rioting.
Rodney
Look, I don't care what their
excuses are, I'm gonna demand
more police patrols on this
estate.
Del
Not too many Rodney.
Rodney
Come here, I'm writing out
this catalogue of crime, see
what the Chairman's got to say
about that.
Del
Catalogue, let's see. Some
catalogue innit - look.
(Reads)
'May the sixth. Grandad's
shopping trolley stolen from
the pram sheds.'
Rodney
Yeah, well that's the only one
I can think of.
Del
Gordon Bennett. There are 2,000
stories in the Naked City and
this plonker is looking for a
basket on wheels.
Rodney
Look, I've heard of other
crimes, but I don't know the
times and the dates and what
'ave yer. I've got to provide
details, not rumours.
Del
Well, why don't you tell them
what happened to poor Rita
Alldridge then?
Rodney
Yes, good idea.
(Is about to
write)
What happened to Rita Alldridge
then?
Del
Last Friday night she was
indecently assaulted over by
the adventure playground.
Rodney
No, did she report it?
Del
Yeah, I saw her this morning,
she'd just been down the police
station.
Rodney
(Busy writing)
Right, there you are you see,
that's exactly the sort of
thing...Hang on a minute - if
this happened on Friday night,
how come it's taken her till
Wednesday to report it?
Del
Because she didn't know she'd
been indecently assaulted
until this morning when the
bloke's cheque bounced.
Rodney
Oh.
Rodney rips the page from the pad and hurls it to the
floor.
THE COMMUNITY HALL.
On the stage is a large committee table. Only one member
of the committee has turned up, this is Baz, the
Chairman. Baz wishes he wasn't there. He has a constant
cigarette dangling from his lips and coughs a lot. In
the main part of the hall there are 50 or so chairs.
Rodney sits alone in the front row. Baz is writing
something in the minutes book and coughing. On the table
in front of him is a "No Smoking' sign. Rodney, bored
with waiting for the meeting to start and irritate with
coughing, attract Baz's attention. Baz looks up and
points to the 'No Smoking' sign. Baz raises a finger of
thanks and then turns the sign face down. He continues
writing and coughing. The main door opens and Trigger
enters.
Trigger
(Calls from the
back of the hall)
How you going Dave?
Rodney
Oh. Alright Trigger.
Trigger
No Del Boy?
Rodney
No, he's out.
Trigger
How's your grandad, I heard
his legs were playing him up!
Rodney
Yeah, well, it's most probably
a touch of fibrositis, you
know.
Trigger
Yeah, more than like...that's
how my nan started off. Did you
ever meet my nan?
Rodney
Well, only at her funeral!
Trigger
That's right, you were at her
funeral weren't you Dave?
Rodney
Trigger - why d'you call me
Dave? My name's not Dave -
my name's Rodney.
Trigger
I thought it was Dave!
Rodney
No, it's Rodney.
Trigger
You sure?
Rodney
Yeah, I'm positive. I've
looked it up on me birth
certificate and passport and
everything! It is definitely
Rodney!
Trigger
Oh well, you live 'n' learn -
so what's Dave, a nickname
like?
Rodney
No. You're the only one who
calls me Dave. Everybody else
calls me Rodney, and the
reason they call me Rodney is
because Rodney is my name.
Trigger
Oh well, I shall have to get
used to calling you Rodney!
Rodney
Thank you.
Trigger
(Calling to the
Chairman)
Here Basil. You gonna get this
meeting started?? Me and Dave
ain't got all night!
Rodney
Rodney.
Trigger
Oh yeah.
Baz
I can't start the meeting
until the Vice Chairman's in
attendance. It's in our
constitution!
Rodney
Well how long's he gonna be?
Baz
Could be a hell of a long time
son - he died a fortnight ago!
Rodney
Died? Well, what was the point
in calling the meeting?
Baz
I was hoping - if we'd had a
bigger turn-out - to elect a
new Vice Chairman from the
floor.
Trigger
You need a new Vice Chairman?
Well, if it'll help you out
any Baz, I nominate Rodney!
Rodney
What?
Baz
Right, seconded!
Rodney
Now hang on a minute!
Baz
All those in favour?
Baz and Trigger raise their hands.
Baz (cont'd)
Against?
Rodney raises his hand.
Baz (cont'd)
Nomination accepted. Welcome
aboard, son!
Rodney
But I didn't wanna be Vice
Chairman!
Trigger
I thought you was interested in
all that political malarky?
Rodney
Well, yeah, I am, but I don't
want this job!
Trigger
Oh well, I suppose Del Boy was
right all along.
Rodney
What d'you mean?
Trigger
Well, he always said you were
too immature to accept
responsibility.
Rodney
Oh did he? Well, we'll have to
see about that then, won't we?
Where do I sit Baz?
Baz
Eh - oh, next to me, son -
right then, I declare this
meeting open. Now, the first
item on the agenda is my
resignation!
Baz pushes the 'Chairman' name-plate across to Rodney.
Baz (cont'd)
You're the new Chairman,
congratulations son. You going
down there, Trigger?
Trigger
Yeah, I'll have a quick one
with you Baz.
Rodney
Oi, what about the meeting?
Baz
Well, you'll have to close it
won't you? You ain't got a
Vice Chairman!
Rodney
Oh yeah - well, um, meeting
closed!
Baz
He done that well didn't he?
Trigger
He's a natural See you, Dave.
Rodney is seated alone at the committee table, still
stunned by the speed of events. He now allows himself
a little mile of pleasure. The feeling of power is
starting to grow. He leans back in his chair and puts
his feet up on the table. He is becoming almost smug
about his new position of importance within the
community. He remains like this for a few seconds
before leaning back on his chair just a little too
far. He tumbles backwards off it and out of sight.
THE MARKET.
Del, in his market clothes plus sunglasses and cap, is
selling oranges form a couple of crates which stand on
the fold-away table.
Del
Oranges, they're lovely, three
for 25p. See? Suck one of
these a day, you'll never
catch scurvy. There you go,
three darlin. God bless you,
luv. Look after yourself. Come
on girls - the finest Spanish
oranges, just in from Seville!
Old Lady
They're fresh then?
Del
Fresh? Fresh? They were
playing castanets this
morning my love. There you
go...take that one for luck..
Old Lady
Thank you very much.
Rodney enters wearing his suit and tie.
Del
God bless you my luv. Don't
swallow the pips will you?!
(To Rodney)
Where the ruddy hell have you
been, eh?
Rodney
You know where I've been. I
told you I had to go down to
the Town Hall.
Del
Oh did you, yeah. Well, of
course, I got a bit involved
myself here you know, with
silly little things like
trying to organise us some
profit!
A kid swipes an orange.
Del (cont'd)
Oi, you little git!
Del picks up another orange and hurls it after him. Del
turns to Rodney. There is the sound of china smashing.
Neither of them notice.
Del (cont'd)
You wanna get your priorities
sorted out, my son. You want
to make your mind up whether
you want to be Chairman of the
Tenant's Association or you
wanna work this pitch, right?
Rodney
No, no, 'cos I had to go down
and introduce myself to Miss
Mackenzie.
Del
Who's Miss Mackenzie?
Rodney
She's in charge of the housing
and welfare down the Town
Hall, she's a very important
lady. And she was very
impressed with me.
Del
Oh well, she would be,
wouldn't she? I mean, it's the
suit innit, eh?
Rodney
Well, yeah.
Del
(To Customer)
What d'you want, three? God
bless darling.
Rodney
She's very intelligent actually.
We got really well.
Del
Yeah well, they do say
opposites attract don't they,
eh? Come on you, get these
crates sorted out, will you?
Rodney
What? Oh come on, Del. I mean,
don't you think it's gonna be
a little bit demanding for the
Chairman of the Tenant's
Association to be seen 'umping
dirty old crates around a
market?
Del
D'you want any wages tomorrow
Rodney
Where shall I put 'em?
Del
Don't tempt me Rodney, don't
temp me!
Grandad enters struggling through the crowds with two
heavy bags of groceries. He passes a china stall
where an orange is lying on the stall among a pile of
broken china. The two owners are discussing this
strange event. One of them is looking up to see if the
orange could have been thrown from a window.
Grandad
Alright, Del Boy?
Del
Hello Grandad, what you doing
here, eh?
Grandad
I've just been gettin some-
thing in for dinner.
Rodney
What have I got, Grandad?
Grandad
Er - d'you like haddock pie,
Del?
Del
No I don't!
Grandad
You've got haddock pie, Rodney!
Rodney
Triffic...How's yer legs?
Grandad
Still hurting.
Del
I've told you, told you what
they are, they're growing pains.
Rodney
Look, if you wanna hang on
I'll give you a lift back in
the van.
Grandad
No, that's alright Rodney,
I'll try 'n' walk it off. See
you later.
Grandad limps away.
Del
Yeah, see you!
A rather miserable old woman is pawing the oranges.
Old Woman
Has he got pineapples?
Rodney
No, it's just rheumatism. Oh.
No, no, sorry, no!
Del
No, we ain't got any pine-
apples luv, you see. No, it's
this weather we've been
having, you know, you can't
get the people to go out and
pick 'em! Never mind, look,
I've got some nice pineapple-
tasting oranges here. No, I
got them in special today, I
knew you was coming in. They
come from Seville. There's
three for 25p...
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The room appears to be empty. There is the sound of the
front door opening.
Rodney
And then after that, right, me
and Miss Mackenzie were
thinking of forming a Police
and Local Community Action
Committee.
Del
You wanna get them pigging
lifts fixed first!
Rodney
No, that's alright, that's all
in hand.
Rodney sees the two bags of groceries.
Rodney (cont'd)
Oh look at this! He ain't even
put the shopping aw...
Del
The lazy git, I'm gonna sack
him one of these days I will!
Hang about.
Rodney is frozen to the spot.
Rodney
Del!!
Grandad is lying on the floor in the space between the
TVs and the armchairs.
Del
Oh my Gawd. Grandad, Grandad!
Rodney
What's the matter with him?
Del
How the hell do I know?
Rodney
Del, the brandy!
Del
Yeah, yeah.
Del moves to the drinks area. He picks up a bottle of
brandy and holds it up to the light.
Del (cont'd)
No, he ain't been at this!
Rodney
I meant pour him some...Shall
I give him the kiss of life?
Grandad
I ain't that bad, Rodney!!
Rodney
Thank God for that, you're
live! I mean awake.
Grandad
I just got up to switch over
to 'Crossroads.'
Del
And what happened?
Grandad
I don't know Del Boy, I didn’t
see the end of it!
Rodney
No, he actually meant what
happened to you?
Grandad
I just came over bad, Rodney
- me legs give way. Them
stairs'll be the death of me.
Del
Yeah, come on, come on, get
him into bed. Come on Grandad.
Come on, that's it, get up.
Del and Rodney help Grandad to his feet.
Del (cont'd)
Look, I'll put him to bed, you
phone for the doctor, Rodney.
Rodney
Right.
Grandad
No need to call the doctor Del
Boy, I' be alright.
Del
Now just shut up, it's nothing
to do with you.
Rodney
(On phone)
Oh good evening. Could you put
me through to Dr Becker please
...Yes it is an emergency.
Hello, Dr Becker, look, sorry
to bother you but it's my
grandad, he's not very well.
Yeah, yeah, my name is Trotter,
we live on...Oh you remember...
Has what cleared up? No, I've
never had anything like that.
No, no, you must be getting me
mixed up with somebody else.
Del
Well, is he coming round?
Rodney
Could you come round straight
away please? You're going out
to dinner?
Del
Tell him he can have inner
here!
Rodney
Yeah, you could have dinner
here...
(To Del)
He can have my haddock pie!
Del
Your haddock pie? Give us that
will you.
(Takes Receiver)
Hello Doctor, my name is Del
Trotter, now you don't know me
but we've got a mutual friend.
Her name is Rita Alldridge!
That's right! And I happen to
talk to your good lay wife
every day in the market!
Right!
(Putting phone
down)
He's on his way round.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The doctor enters from Grandad's bedroom and crosses
the room.
Doctor
I want you to make sure that
he gets plenty of sleep and
lots of fresh air.
Rodney
Yeah, we could put his bed on
the balcony!
Del
Fresh air? Fresh air. Haven't
you noticed all the jugger-
nauts and buses smoking their
way past this place? The only
fresh air my grandad gets is
when he's listening to 'The
Archers.'
Doctor
Well, there isn't very much I
can do about the pollution
problem.
Del
No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
doctor. What about his legs?
Doctor
Oh, don't worry, he's got legs
like Nijinsky.
Del
Nijinsky's a racehorse!
Rodney
No, Del, he means Nijinsky, the
Russian ballet dancer.
Doctor
No I don't.
Rodney
Oh, um, well, what's - what's
the matter with him, Doctor?
Doctor
Exhaustion. 12 flights of
stairs is difficult enough for
a young man, let alone someone
of your grandad's age. Now
what he needs is ground-floor
accommodation. Have you seen
any of those new council
bungalows in Herrington Road?
Del
Oh yeah, them. They're lovely
ain't they. They've got three
bedrooms, little garden, right
opposite the park. till what
chance do we stand? I mean,
you need to have nine kids and
speak with a foreign accent to
get one of them.
Doctor
If you think it would do any
good I could write a letter to
the council recommending you be
moved.
Del
You did that for my Mum back
in 1962 and they moved us here.
Rodney
I'll put the shopping away.
Rodney exits to kitchen.
Doctor
The only thing that could hold
a lot of sway with the
council’s housing department
would be support from the
Chairman of the Tenant's
Association. Now who is the
Chairman of the Association
these days?
Rodney
It's me.
Del
Alright, alright, good boy.
Rodney
What?
Del
Nothing, good boy.
GRANDAD'S BEDROOM.
Just a sidelight burns. Grandad, propped up by pillows
and still wearing his hat, is asleep. Del is seated
next to the bed. Rodney enters with a bag. Del gives
him a look of contempt.
Rodney
I didn't know you were in
here. You keeping a vigil?
Del
No, I'm just sitting here with
Grandad.
(Referring to bag)
What you got there?
Rodney
Oh, it's just some fruit.
Del
What you get?
(Looking)
Got him some grapes have you?
Rodney
No, they're oranges.
Del
Oranges - oranges?
Rodney
Well, I couldn't think of what
else to get him...Look, Del,
you know I'd like to help.
Del
I've got nothing further to
say on the subject. Here you
are Grandad, have a suck of
that - go on. How you could do
this to your own flesh and
blood, I've got no idea.
Rodney
Look, what's Miss Mackenzie
gonna think? I mean, I've only
been Chairman of the
Association for two days
and already I'm into her for
a new bungalow.
Del
I'm not concerned with what -
I'm not concerned with what
Miss Mackenzie thinks. I'm
only concerned with Grandad.
I mean, look at him. His brain
went years ago. Now his legs
have gone. There's only the
middle bit of him left.
Rodney
We could take him to Lourdes?
Del
Lord's. Lord's. But he don't
even like cricket.
Rodney
I meant the Lourdes in France.
Del
Lourdes in France, no, no,
that's no good. I men, what
you gain on the miracle cures
you'd lose on the sea-
sickness on the way home.
Grandad
Still here, Del Boy?
Del
Yes, I'm here Grandad, it's
alright, don't worry. Look
Rodney's brought you some
oranges. I'll put 'em over
there shall I, with the other
3,000?
Grandad
You're a good boy, Rodney.
You've always looked after your
old Grandad...
He tries to reach beneath his pillow but is too weak.
Grandad (cont'd)
Rodney, put your hand under my
pillow.
Rodney
Yeah, okay.
(Suddenly stops)
Why, what's under there?
Grandad
It's just something what was
left to me by my grandad.
Rodney pulls out an old, silver cigarette case, badly
dented.
Rodney
What is it?
Grandad
It's my grandad's old
cigarette case. He carried that
with him right throughout the
Boer War. That's a bit of
history you're holding, not
like them Nelson's eyepatches
Del Boy flogs to the tourists.
Rodney
What's this big dent?
Grandad
There's a story behind that
Rodney. See, one night my
grandad was on sentry duty,
standing out there alone in
the middle of Africa. And
suddenly a sniper fired at him.
The bullet was aiming straight
for my grandad's heart, but he
had that cigarette case in his
breast pocket and the bullet
hit that instead.
Rodney
Jeez. It saved his life?
Grandad
Well, not really. See, the
bullet ricocheted up his nose
and blew his brains out! I
want you to have it, Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Grandad
My gran always said it were
lucky.
Rodney
Grandad, it made the bullet
ricochet up his nose and blow
his brains off.
Del
Yeah, well, it could have
ricocheted downwards and
ruined his entire life!
Grandad
And do you know here he died,
Rodney? Fighting the Zulus at
the Battle of Rorks's Drift.
Rodney
No. Was he actually there? Oh
Cosmic!
(Puzzled)
I always thought it was Welsh.
Del
No, no, it was definitely the
Zulus, I saw the film.
Grandad
You keep that with you always,
Rodney. It'll be something to
remember me by.
Rodney
Now you don't talk like that,
Grandad.
Del
It's alright Grandad, it's
alright. He'll remember what
he done to you. I'll see to
that, don't you worry!
Grandad
Oh don't keep on at him, Del.
He's doing what he thinks is
best. Besides, I might not
have liked living on the
ground. I've always been up
in the air somewhere...I think
I would have liked the garden
though. I could have gown some
flowers. I've never ever had a
garden. Still what you've
never had you never miss, eh
Del Boy?
Del
That's right Grandad. That's
right. Rodney, where you
going?
Rodney
I'm gonna phone Miss Mackenzie
about that bungalow.
Del
That's a good boy Rodney, good
boy. You know it makes sense
...Welcome back, you're one of
the family again!
Rodney exits.
Grandad
Del Boy. I'd like to be
cremated.
Del
Well, you'll have to wait till
morning 'cos they'll be closed
now.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The following evening. A coat is draped over an armchair.
On the table is an open briefcase and lots of paperwork.
Del enters through the hall door.
Del
(Calls)
Oi, cor, Rodney. Come on, look,
clear this place up, that old
biddy from the council'll be
here any minute.
Rodney enters from the bedroom area.
Rodney
Del, I'd like you to meet Miss
Mackenzie.
Miss Mackenzie enters. She is in her early thirties, very
attractive and smartly dressed. The complete opposite to
how Del imagined her.
Miss Mac
Good evening.
Del
Entende, I'm sure.
(Kisses her hand)
Please do sit down.
She sits down.
Del (cont'd)
Miss Mackenzie. Can I get you
a drink? Tea, coffee, Pina
Colada?
Miss Mac
No thank you, that's very kind
of you, Mr Trotter.
Del
Mais oui, mais oui, Derek
please.
Miss Mac
Derek - I've just been in to
see your grandfather. He's a
very interesting man, he was
telling me how his own grand-
father had died at the Battle
of Rorke's Drift.
Del
Well, no, he wasn't actually
at Rourke's Drift itself. What
he was doing, see, he camped
in a little field behind, and
one night he went over to the
Zulus to complain about the
noise.
Del laughs, Miss Mac, who doesn't have much of a sense
of humour, looks bewildered.
Del (cont'd)
Was - has it always been your
ambition to work for the
council, Miss Mackenzie?
Miss Mac
Please call me Margaret.
Del
Margaret, Margaret, do you
know, that is my most
favourite name.
Miss Mac
Thank you. Actually, when I
left school I wanted to be a
choreographer.
Del
Really? What a coincidence
'cos I always wanted to into
the medical profession meself.
Rodney
A choreographer, Del, it means
she wanted to teach dance.
Del
Oh yeah, course, that sort of
choreographer, yeah. Are you
interested in dancing then,
Margaret?
Miss Mac
Well, I was a student of dance
for two years.
Del
Was you really, amazing, so
was I.
Miss Mac
Really? I was at the London
School of Dance, Knights-
bridge.
Rodney
Del was at the Arthur Murray
School, Lewisham.
Del
Thank you Rodney. Rodney, why
don't you go into the kitchen
and stick your head in the
food blender. Well, do you
like ballet, Margaret?
Miss Mac
Oh yes, very much.
Del
So do I. Triffic innit? What
about that Nijinsky then, eh?
Miss Mac
Nijinsky?
Del
Fabulous dancer, eh? Well, for
a Soviet.
Miss Mac
Yes. I suppose so.
Del
I'm a great fan.
Miss Mac
Of Nijinsky's?
Del
Yeah, actually I was thinking
of getting a couple of
tickets, you know, for one
of the shows.
Miss Mac
Derek - Nijinsky died in 1950.
Del
Did she?
Miss Mac
She? Nijinsky was a man.
Del
Oh yes, yeah, of course he
was. Sorry, sorry, I always
get him mixed up with...er...
Rodney
Arkle.
Del
Yeah, Arkle.
Miss Mac
Well, that seems to be about
it. I think I have all the
information I need.
Rodney
How long will we have to wait
until we know if our
application's been accepted?
Miss Mac
You can know right now, Rodney.
I've just signed it.
Rodney
You mean we've got the
bungalow?
Miss Mac
Of course. Here's your new
rent book and all the
necessary paperwork.
Rodney
I don't believe it. Are you
sure you don't want to double-
check nothing?
Del
That won't be necessary
Rodney. Margaret knows what
she's doing.
Rodney
I don't know what to say.
Del
Well, just say thank you to
the nice lady.
Miss Mac
Really there's no need, I'm
only too pleased to help. Many
people get themselves voted on
to Tenants Committee's purely
for their own ends. But
Rodney's different. He cares.
Del
Oh he does, he cares. He's a
diamond, he really is.
Miss Mac
Well, I hope you'll be very
happy in your new home. I'll
see you at our next committee
meeting then?
Rodney
Yes, yes of course. And thanks
again - I can't wait to tell
Grandad. Well, I suppose we
better...
Del
No, I'll see Margaret out,
Rodney. Excuse me. There you
go. Don't drink it.
THE HALL.
Miss Mac
Well, let's just say I applied
some rather liberal interpreta-
tions to our rules.
Del
Yeah, well, if only there was
some way that I could show my
appreciation. But mon dieu -
mon dieu - why don't I take
you out for a celebratory
drink?
Miss Mac
Oh that's very nice of you,
but I've got a lot of paper-
work to finish.
Del
Okay, well some other time
maybe then?
Miss Mac
Yes. Well, goodbye.
Del
No, not goodbye, Margaret,
just bonjour.
THE LOUNGE.
Del enters the room.
Rodney
Well, we've done it. Now that
is the power of being a
Chairman, Del.
Del
Leave it out. It was my chat
what did it.
Rodney
Oh yeah, your chat, yeah. 'A
choreographer. Of course, I've
always wanted to be in the
medical profession meself.'
Del
Oi, cut that out will you?
The door to the bedroom area opens and Grandad enters.
Grandad
Have we got it, Del?
Del
Yeah, of course, we've got it,
Grandad. Look, we move in
next week.
Del and Grandad
(Singing and
dancing)
'My old man said follow the
van, and don't dilly-dally on
the way.' Hang on, I'll get
you a beer, Grandad.
(Singing)
'Off went the van with the
whole...'
Rodney
(Was stunned, but
now angry)
We feeling a little better are
we, Grandad?
Grandad
I'm feeling on top of the
world Rodney.
Rodney
You know, I thought as much.
Because five minutes ago you
couldn't wiggle your toes and
now you're doing an audition
for the Hot Shoe Show. You
pair have really stitched me
up ain't yer? And not just me
- Dr Becker and Miss
Mackenzie as well.
Del
Oh shut up you tart. We
couldn't let you in on our
little plan could we, 'cos,
well, to put it politely,
you're full of principle,
aren't you? Here you are
Grandad.
Grandad
How else could we have done
it, Rodney? We've got our-
selves a beautiful new home,
a bit of garden, a garage and
no stairs.
Rodney
Grandad the point is that is
...I suppose them stairs were
a bit much for you. And I can
hardly blame Del for the
lifts breaking down.
Del looks away.
Rodney
You mean you even went to the
- right, come here you.
The front door bell rings.
Del
I'll just get the door,
Rodders.
Del exits to the hall.
THE HALL.
Del
Oh hello, Margaret. Did you
forget something?
Miss Mac
Only my manners I'm sorry to
say. I've just realised that
you, quite naturally, would
like to celebrate your new
home. But as Rodney would have
to stay in with Grandad you
have no one to go with. So if
you're invitation is still
open?
Del
Oh well, of course it is. If
you'd just like to hang on one
moment.
Miss Mac
I mustn't have too much to
drink though - it goes straight
to my head.
Del
Does sit really? I'll have to
keep a close eye on you then
won't I?
Del opens the door to the lounge and calls in.
Del (cont'd)
Oi, listen, I'm off out. I
don't know what time I'm going
to be back so don't put the
Chubb on, right.
(To Miss Mac)
Listen what I thought we might
do is slip down the Nag's
Head for a couple of halves
and then we could go to this -
well - go on to this spick
drinking club I know over at
New Cross.
Miss Mac
I don't want to be out too
late.
Del
Don't worry we'll get you back
in your flat before three.
The lounge door opens and Grandad with a glass of brandy
and a large cigar in one hand, Del's scarf in the
other, appears.
Grandad
Here are Del, don't forget
your scarf, it's freez...Ooh
my good Gawd.
Miss Mac
Well, hello again.
(To Del)
He seems to be over the worst.
Del
Yeah, well, you know, it comes
- and goes.
Miss Mac
So it would appear.
Del
(Out of the corner
of is mouth)
Collapse.
Grandad
What?
Del
Collapse!
Miss Mac
I shouldn't bother, you might
do yourself an injury.
Rodney appears at the door.
Rodney
Oi, you're gonna need the keys.
Miss Mac
I am disgusted with the lot of
you. But especially with
Rodney. I believed you.
Rodney
I believed me.
Miss Mac
I assume you'll be resigning,
Mr Chairman?
Rodney
First thing in the morning,
yeah.
Miss Mac
And I'll tell you what I'm
going to do in the morning.
I'm going to do you all yet
another favour. I'm going to
save you the inconvenience
of moving. Goodnight to you
all.
Del
Margaret.
Miss Mac
What?
Del
We still on for that drink?
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.