Only Fools And Horses

Diamonds For Heather

THE NAG'S HEAD. It is Spanish night at the Nag's Head. On every table there are bottles of wine, jugs of Sangria and plates of Spanish food. Enrico is nearing the end of a romantic little number sung in Spanish. The Trotters are seated at a table. Rodney and Grandad applaud the end of a song. Del, in a mudlin mood is too pre- occupied with self-pity to bother. Grandad Eh, he's good ain't he Del Boy? Del (Indicating a plate of chicken) Yeah, I wish I could say the same about this chicken! Grandad Wassamatter with it, then? Del Tough - tough! It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice! Rodney Alright, come on, what's upset you? Del Me? Nothing! Don't worry about me Rodney. Rodney I'm not worried about you. I'm worried bout the fiver I spent on this ticket! I thought we'd be enjoying ourselves you know - what's the matter? Del Ah, it's just that - I went round to Lennie Morris's little kid's christening today you know. There was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room. His Mum and Dad were there, and his wife and his little baby, and I thought you know, he's got his family round him! He's got a real family! And what have I got? Grandad You've got us! Del Yeah I thought of that - that is when I left! Del rises and moves away. Grandad (To Rodney) You know that rich bird what he's been seeing lately? Her with the nose. Well she's just given him the old heave-ho! Rodney No? Oh well that explains it all don't it? Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her. Grandad What sort of gear? Rodney Well her dad left her a chain of launderettes in his will right. Del's gone and lumbered himself with two ton of hooky Persil! Grandad Oi, oi, don't you say nothing Rodney, he told me in confidence! Rodney No, no of course not! Del Right 'ere you are. Come on. Get some of this gut-rot down your neck. Rodney Ah come on Del cheer up, eh? Tell you what, let's have a family sing-along like in the old days, eh? Del Yeah, alright. Alright come on then, go on Rodney. Start us off. Rodney Yeah right, altogether. (Sings) 'We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried line, have you any dirty washing...' Del glares at Grandad, who is trying to look as innocent as possible. Rodney realises he had done the wrong thing and stops singing. Del (Calls) Oi Enrico! Enrico! Come here a minute will you. Enrico Si Senor? Del Listen, do us a favour, will you. Sing 'Old Shep' again! Grandad We're trying to enjoy ourselves! You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog! Del Sing 'Old Shep'! Enrico Senor. Eet ees no possible to seenga thee Olda Shep song! Eet ee - er - howa you say - thee trageec song, si? Eeet makea thee tears falla from the eyes! Del Go on sing Old Shep! Enrico (In broad cockney) Look, leave it out will you Del Boy I've got a living to earn! That's a killer of a song! Once I've sung that the evening's finished. Look I'll sing another song for you - any other song - but no way do I sing Old Shep! Del (Menacingly) Sing - Old - Shep! Enrico Whena la wasa lad, and Olda Shep was a pup...And eefa dogs have a heaven there's one thing I know, old Shep has a wonderful home. The regular moan with disapproval from the regulars as they realise what song it is. Del has a wistful look of pain and nostalgia as Enrico sings. Enrico finishes the final few bars. The atmosphere is now one of 'Chapel of Rest' solemnity. Rodney and Grandad look bored stiff, Del is close to tears. When the song finishes only two people applaud - Del and a young lady (Heather) sitting at the bar. Del Bravo, bravo Enrico. Di Stefano my son, di Stefano! That is my most favourite song about a dog that is you know. Rodney Yeah, I mean as songs about dead dogs go it's a real mind- bender ain't it. Grandad The only trouble is nobody likes it! Del Yes they do. Yes they do. I liked it! And that young lady over there, she likes it. Del smiles at Heather. Heather returns the smile. Del (cont'd) Excuse me gentlemen. I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on! Rodney Del, Del. While you're over there ask your cultural encounter if she's alright for Persil! Del moves towards the bar. Del Good evening! Heather Oh hello! Del Do you mind if I park my bot? Heather No, please. Del A drink? Heather No thank you. Del Well that was - oh sorry - that was a lovely song that ain't it. Beautiful eh? Always gets me right here that does, yeah. Always brings back such poignant memories. Heather Did you have an old dog? Del Oh, I've had many old dogs in my time. Er sorry - um, sorry what did you say your name was? Heather Heather. Del Heather! Heather, that's a beautiful name, that is. Heather. That's one of my most favourite names that, Heather. My name is Del, it's er, short for Derek! Do you know what the word 'Derek' means? Heather No I don't. Del No, nor do I - I'm always meaning to check it up. I'm very surprised to see a charming young lady like your- self here on your own. Heather Well I'm supposed to be meeting someone here - a girl- friend. But she doesnít seem to have shown up so I was just about to leave. Del Well, I don't blame you. Now he's sung that song, it's stone-dead in here innit eh? Listen I hope you don't think I'm being forward or nothing but I just wondered if you fancied going on for a drink in a little nightclub that I know. Heather Well I'm not sure. It's getting home in early hours! Del Well there's no bother, no. I can always drop you off! D'you live local? Heather Brixton. Del Oh, Brixton - do you really? Oh that's funny that is. Funny, funny I haven't seen you before because I do a lot of work down there you know in Rorke's Drift. Heather What line are you in? Del Umm...I'm an importer exporter of quality merchandise - antiques, that sort of thing. I tend to specialise in Parisienne haute couture fashion, you know and special objets d'art, modern works of art! Heather It sounds fascinating! Del Oh yes it is. Oh, it is. I tell you what. If you're interested. I've got some very cheap washing powder. No straight up. A TENEMENT. NIGHT. The passage is in complete darkness. Heather unlocks the front door and enters followed by Del. Heather Sorry about the light. The landlord took the bulb out, he says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy! They ascend the stairs. Del That's a rare combination innit? A rent collector and a Friend of the Earth! Heather Oh mind the step. Del trips. Del Oh! HEATHER'S FLAT. The room is small and slightly dingy. Scattered around the room are a few toys and baby things. Heather unlocks the door and enters followed by Del. Heather Well this is it! I told you it wasn't much of a flat didn't I? Del Well don't know, could be worse! Heather Oh yeah? How? Del Could have been on the top floor! Servir Frais Mois Non Glacť, as they would say in France. Heather True! Very true! The bedroom door opens and Brian enters. Del reacts, believing this to be Heather's husband. He breaks away from her quickly, but Heather is relaxed and very casual. Brian I didn't hear you come in! Heather Sorry I'm late love, Del took me on to a nightclub! Del Only being friendly John, you know what I mean? Heather Oh, Del let me introduce you, this is Brian. Brian lives downstairs, he's my baby- sitter. Del Oh! Pleased to meet you Brian. Brian Nice to meet you too. Well um, I won't stop, I've got some studying to catch up on. Heather Brian goes away to university soon. Del Oh you're a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark ainít yer? Brian I'm a mature student! Del Oh go on? 'Ere my brother went to university. Brian Oh really? What was he reading? Del Gawd knows. Mayfair and Pent- house knowing him! Brian Yes! I see, well I really must be going. See you in the week Heather. Bye for now. Heather Thanks for looking after the place Brian. I hope he isnít get on your nerves too much. Brian No, no, no, I've er, I've got to get used to people like him! Heather No, I meant the baby! Brian Oh sorry! No, no, no he was as good as gold! Bye for now. Brian exits. Heather Bye. Mind the step. Del I didn't know er, didn't know you had a baby! Heather Well he's not a baby any more, he's nearly three-and-a-half. There's a picture of him on the mantelpiece. One of the pictures is of Darren, her son, the other is of Vic, her husband. Del is looking at a picture of Vic. Del Blimey he's a big lad for his age ain't he? Heather No that's Vic, my husband! That's Darren. Del (Studies picture) Cor, he's a little cracker ain't he eh? Where's your husband these days? Heather I don't know - and I don't particularly care! He walked out of here one morning - said he was popping down the Jon Centre to sign on. That was eighteen months ago! Del Well the way things are he could still ne queuing! Heather Do you know, when we got engaged Vic had a straight choice between going on holiday with his mates, or buying me an engagement ring. Del Did he send you a postcard? Heather Like hell he did! Vic looked after number one! I don't think he was ever meant to be married! He couldn't face the responsibility. I used to say to him 'Vic' - I used to say - 'you've got a baby now Vic. Isn't it time you sorted yourself out?' Oh God, I'm sorry Del, there's nothing worse than having your ear bent by somebody else's problems! I'm just tired. Del Yeah, well I'd better be off, I've got an early call in the morning. I've got to get down to er, got to get down to Peckham by seven, pick up a consignment of fire-damaged woks. Anyway I'll be finished by about ten. I just wondered whether you might fancy going out for the day somewhere, you know and a spot of lunch, something like that. Heather Yeah I'd love to. I'll - I'll see if Brian will baby-sit again. Del No, no, no I meant you know - you and the boy! Heather Are you sure? Del Yeah. Heather Most men don't want to know when they find you've got a baby. Del Yeah well, I'm not like most men Heather. Yeah okay well er, yeah I'll er, I'll see you about eleven right, tomorrow? Heather Yeah alright then. Del Yeah okay then. Yeah. Heather Bye then. Del Bye then. Tata. Heather closes the door. She leans against the door and considers the evening and the pleasant way her luck seems to be changing. She then looks alarmed and re- opens the door. Heather (Calls) Mind that st... There is the noise of Del tumbling down the steps. MONTAGE. Del, Heather and Darren are seen outside a kiddies toy shop. At the zoo, all three are standing close to the monkey's cage. Del and Heather react to something happening in the cage. Del places his hands over Darren's eyes and they all hurry away. Del and Heather are then sat on a bench at night. They are staring dreamily up at a perfect night sky. They kiss, and a man's hand appears and grabs the back of Del's collar. They are chucked out of the main doors of the London Planetarium. On HMS Belfast, Del is pointing as he holds Darren, who is holding an ice-cream cornet. Heather prepares to take a picture of them. As she presses the shutter Darren sticks the ice-cream in Del's nose. In a candlelit restaurant, Del and Heather are seated at a table. Thy touch glass together and then hold hands over the table. THE ESTATE/PLAY AREA. DAY. Del and Darren are playing football. Del That's right come on then Darren kick the ball to your Uncle Del! Good boy! Good ball - good ball my son. Now let's see you come out the goal. This way. Good boy. You'll play for England one of these days. (Turns and calls) What do you reckon Rodney, Darren could play for England couldn't he? He's better than that load of rubbish! Right come on. You'll get in the England side playing like this. Rodney is washing the van. Grandad, holding a plastic carrier-bag filled with shopping, approaches. Rodney Just have a look at him will yer! He's like a born-again Ovaltinie! I mean he's only known Heather and the kid for what - six weeks, and look at him! Grandad I don't know what's got into him. He spends most of his time on them climbing frames and swings and what 'ave yer! The other day I seen the caretaker telling him off for coming down the slide backwards! Rodney Coming down backwards! That's dangerous innit? I mean all his conkers and marbles could have fallen out of his pockets! They laugh. Del approaches, chain after the ball. Del Listen Rodney, what's the joke? Rodney Oh nothing much. We're just talking about wallies that's all. Grandad Your name cropped up. Del Not so much of it! Here y'are Darren. Del throws the ball and runs off. Rodney And that's another thing! I wish he'd get id of this sign! Rodney is indicating the windscreen where the names of Del and Heather are stuck on it. Rodney (cont'd) I mean whenever I'm sitting in the passenger seat people 'look' at me...sorta funny! Grandad Oh I wouldn't let that bother you Rodney! Rodney No? Grandad No! They most probably just think you're a poof! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. Grandad is watching the TV's. Del is dressed up in all his finery and is standing in front of the mirror brushing his hair. Rodney is lying on the sofa watching Del's preparation with a mixture of disbelief and condemnation. Rodney You must have spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors! My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror! Up until I was our I thought you was twins! Del If you're trying to wind me up Rodney, it ain't gonna work, no way bruv. Because tonight is a very, very happy night and a very, very special one for me. Grandad What is it, Cub's night? Del No it ain't Cub's night. Well go on Rodney. How do I look, eh? Rodney You look, like a second-hand car trader! Del Oh, thank a lot Rodney. Here, that remind me. You know what we were talking about earlier on, about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas. I mean you don't mind do you? 'Cos you like Heather don't you eh? Don't you Rodney, eh? Rodney Yeah - she's alright! Del What about you Grandad? You like Darren don't you eh! He's not a noisy little brat is he? Grandad Oh no, he's a good little kid. Del Yeah. 'ere Rodney. How'd you feel about Heather becoming your sister-in-law? Rodney Do what? Del No, no, no, not now! Not immediately I mean, you know, some time in the future! I haven't even mentioned it to her yet - I mean I don't want to jump me guns. Rodney Well, I'm not fussed. Grandad She won't want to come and live here with that noisy little brat will she? Del No. No we've applied for a Council house. Well where's me billy-goat? Oh here it is here. Right. That's it. Well I'm off out then. I'm taking Heather out for an evening that she will never forget. You know it's gonna be soft lights, music, champagne, of course the very, very finest of foods, I only hope she likes curry. Del exits. Rodney Well! I suppose it was always on the cards! I think they'll be happy together, don't you? Grandad Oh yeah, she's a good girl - she'll look after him. Rodney Yeah. And he thinks the world of that kid don't he, eh? And they fit so neatly into his style of living, you know fast foods, ready-to-wear suits, and now he's got an instant family, eh? I'm - I'm pleased for him. Grandad You seem to be forgetting something Rodney. If Del Boy moves into his Council gaff with his off-the-peg next of kin, who the hell's gonna pay the rent, gas and electric in this place, eh? AN INDIAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT. Del and Heather are seated at a table studying the menus. A waiter is standing beside them. Del We'll have a chicken tikka, off the bone, a mutton Madras, a pair of onion bhajis, four popadoms, some nan bread and a couple of portions of rice. Waiter Yes sir. Which rice would you like? Del Have you got any Uncle Ben's? Waiter No sir. We have pilaw rice, basmati rice or plain white rice. Del Oh, we'll have the pilaw rice, and make sure you take the feathers out first. Oh and Tony, I want a bottle of your finest champagne, alright son? Waiter Yes sir. Del Thank you. Heather You're pushing the boat out a bit aren't you? Del No, I'm always like this hen I've got something to celebrate. Heather Yeah? What are you celebrat- ing? You sold all those Chinese woks? Del No, no. I got a bit lumbered with those actually - I'm giving them away with packets of Persil.. Heather So what's the champagne in aid of? Del Well...Christmas. Del puts a small box onto the table. Heather What is it? Del Open it, see. Heather Del! It's lovely! Del I got it off this mate of mine - Abdul. He gets a discount at Hatton Garden. Heather Del, this is an engagement ring? Del No, it's a set of socket spanners! Of course it's an engagement ring. I'll change it if you like. See, I remembered what you said - that you liked solitaire diamonds, so I thought...well y'know...that I'd get her a cluster of solitaires. Heather No, no it's a beautiful ring Del. Del What's up then? Heather It's Vic! Del Oh is your nose blocked up? Heather No, no it's Vic my husband! Del Oh! Well what about him? Heather He wrote to me...Last week! Del Oh yeah, last week? You didn't mention it! Heather I know, I've been trying to find the right moment to bring the subject up. He's living in Southampton. Got himself a nice flat apparently. He wants me and Darren to move down there with him! You know, try again - see if we can make it work this time. Del Oh yeah well - I mean - you're not gonna believe all that old pony are you! Are you? Heather The thing is Del he is still my husband! He's Darren's father! I owe it to him! Del Oh come on, don't give me all that Heather! I mean he don't care a monkey's about you and Darren! I mean what did big brave Vic do when the going got heavy, eh? He pulled on his hiking boots and had it away on his toes. Heather You don't know what he's like Del! Del I do know what he's like 'cos he's exactly like my old man, that's what he did to me eighteen years ago! Heather It wasn't all his fault! He was unemployed - all he wanted was a regular job. You've no idea what ort of pressure that can do to a family! Well he's got himself a job now in a department store. Del Oh yeah, doing what? Heather He's a Father Christmas! Del Oh, well that's a steady little number that, innit eh? Free uniform - luncheon vouchers, forty-eight weeks holiday a year! Heather I still love him! Del What about me? Heather I love you Del, but not in that way! I feel for you the way someone would feel for a... Del Goldfish or a gerbil? Heather No! Like a brother! I feel for you the way you feel for Rodney. Del And I thought you liked me! Heather, I thought that you and I had an understanding! Heather Honestly Del, I never knew you felt that strongly I mean, you never said anything. Del I'm not a poet Heather! You know, I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff. I feel things but when I try to say 'em they always come out - wallyish! I thought it was obvious the way that I felt for you. What else could I have done? Heather I don't know, a sign, or some- thing. Del What like, tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree or something? Heather I leave next Tuesday. Will you come round and say goodbye to Darren? Del No. Heather He really took to you. You like kids don't you? Del Yeah! I used to go to school with a lot of 'em! Hands Del back the ring. Heather It's a beautiful ring Del. Thank you. Del Normally I'd let you keep it - but I only got it on a week's approval. Heather I don't really feel hungry any more Del. I think I'll go. That's alright, I'll get a taxi! Heather rises and starts to exit. Stops, turns, and looks at Del. She then exits. NIGHT. THE INDIAN RESTAURANT. Some yards up the road a group of choir singers are singing the final few bars of 'Silent Night.' Singers Silent night, Holy night, All is calm, all is white... Del exits from the restaurant. As he walks to the van the carol singers end their song. They begin another carol. Singers We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, And a happy new year. Good tidings we bring to you and your King We wish you a Merry Christmas And a happy new year. We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Del closes his eyes and smiles at the irony of the song. He walks towards the carol singers. As he approaches the leader holds out a collection tin. Del produces a twenty pound note. The leader stops singing. Del has a quiet word with him. The leader looks towards the other singers, clears his throat and begins to sing. Leader When I was a lad and Old Shep was a pup, O'er hills and vales we... One by one the others join in. Del, happier with his lot, walks to the van and drives away.

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