Guest review by Cosmic Chris
What I really want out of a movie is becoming as much a mystery to myself as it is to the innocent bystanders I impose my hate-laden opinions on. And so it comes as is much of a surprise to me that I actually 'like' (in some very limited form) the Spawn movie, as it has to all of my followers. Let's face it, by all standards, Spawn has a rather lame plot, poor execution, cornball moralisms, actors that may have been sleeping while the camera was rolling, and a goth feel that the prepubescents have already rejected as yesterday's fad. All in all, it's a movie any serious movie-goer can write off. But hey, that would take all the fun out of it.
So why do you like it Chris? Well let me answer that since I love having discussions with myself. I think I've made mention elsewhere of films for your Id, and if I haven't, the owner of this page has. If you remember your Freud (or Forbidden Planet), you'll remember that the Id is that dark part of ourselves, all our lustful cravings and weird passions that aren't permitted in normal society. I like to think that Beavis and Butthead were acting out their Id most of the time, and while I was pretty sedate when I was younger, why not catch up on all of it now. My first stop would be Starship Troopers, but you've already seen it, so why not make Spawn your next choice?
Let me tell you what Spawn has going for it. First, lots of smoldering eyes. This has got to be my favorite, most stupid special effect of all time. Spawn's eyes SMOKE! What a brilliant concept. Also, there's tons of excessive editing techniques--at one point while changing to a different scene you see a squad of crucifixes explode! There is not point to it, and that only makes it better!
Plot wise (???), Spawn is about a special mission/assassin sort of guy (Al Simmons) who is betrayed by his own boss, burned alive (YES!), then sells his soul to the devil and agrees to lead hell's assault against heaven to get a chance to see his wife again. Once back on earth, Spawn becomes familiar with all his super-powers, and from here the film focuses on the difficult choice Al Simmons faces (uh-huh): Should he avenge his own death (and hence serve the devil), or turn to the side of good?
None of these premises are actually carried out well. The action feels stunted, but not as immobilized as the acting itself. The best job is done by the Clown who rides the crest of juvenile humor like a pro. Spawn manages to become good and get revenge at the same time (apparently blowing a chick's brains out isn't a clincher for being evil).
What is done well are the absolutely ludicrous special effects, although I don't mean they are high-quality, I mean they are funny and cool at the same time. Hell comes off really well with millions of spawn look-alikes just mulling around. The devil looks cute too, not to mention the Violator. These two might make good plushies actually.
Meanwhile, Spawn has got blades shooting out of his hands, and chains coming out of every orifice. Once turned to good, he's joined by Cogliostro (played by the guy who did Merlin in Boorman's Excalibur), who mostly sucks, although he has a token green aura and can make a sword shoot out of his hand.
But my favorite thing in the film is the contrast between this super-scary
spawn guy, and his appeal to kids. I mean, his cute little mutt starts
following him around (yup, a Spawn and his Dog), but it isn't nearly as
funny as scenes where he interacts with his own daughter:
-Child comes up to vagabond looking man with burnt off flesh (Spawn):
"What's your name?"
-Spawn (grunting): "I'm Spawn."
Now that is cinema! Oh, some homeless kid starts following him around
too, along with his dog. What the hell? He probably wasn't this in with
children and pets when he was alive. I mean, I understand that when
Mothra shows up, there is an immediate tie in with the kids, but why are
there all these kids in Spawn? I guess children just like the devil.
Things I liked about spawn:
--Smoking eyes, completely unnecessary special effects.
--It was hard to take hell serious at all. The film unintentionally
mocked itself.
--Pretty damn juvenile. 3 out or 5 stars on the juvenile meter.
Things I didn't like:
--The fear that people might think I am a fan of the Spawn comics or am
into the goth scene.
--The pathetic attempt to throw in moralism. Maybe a little more Conan
and a little less He-Man might have
helped this film.
--Where are the tits?
But wait, there's more. I hope you rented (good lord, please don't buy it!) the R rated version of Spawn, because the best part of this video is AFTER the movie. Skip through the 'making' of Spawn, and get right to the real gem of Spawn, the creator! That's right, Todd McFarlane in the flesh. I can't tell you how hard I laughed listening to this guy go on and on about how Spawn was the REAL thing, the most ingenious plot ever! Why no one has ever sold their soul to the devil before. No one has ever actually fought against the devil before. Right on Todd!!! And if you can't get a high off of his trip, just enjoy his cut-up, start-stop speech that screams crack as he rants about his own greatness at light-speed, just waiting for his mouth to keep up. Maybe it was all an act, but I was waiting for the guy's head to explode. This is worth way more then the film! A fantastic document of one man's bizzaro vision--truth is stranger then fiction.
Thanks for the review Chris! Comments? Questions? Want to sell your soul? Drop me a line at [email protected] and me or one of my demonic underlings will look it over.
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