How do I know if I am a cabbage or not?
Most people just seem to know instantly whether or not the Cabbage Converter has worked for them. It is the belief of many that the key to determining whether you are a cabbage or a human being is all in the mind. Do you feel like a cabbage? Do you feel released of the responsibilities and prejudices of human life? Do you feel freed from the mundane existence of being a dependent heterotroph, ready to live your life with only the sun, soil and water as your necessities? It is the answers to questions like these that will help you to determine your state of existence. Of course, some people discover their arms have turned into leaves. They have it easy.
Do I have to be eaten?
Once you are certain that you are a cabbage, it is important to realise that being a cabbage does not entail behaving like one. Do not feel bound by the primary producer role of your new species. Humans-turned-cabbage have no duty to nature, logic or anything else to be consumed. In fact, unless you have a specific urge to do so, you should probably try to avoid it.
Can I ever turn back into a human?
Since you only turned into a cabbage by looking at a page on the internet, it should be fairly simple to reverse that procedure by visiting the Cabbage Anticonverter. However, for those of you who are worried that you will begin transforming in the middle of a job interview, stage performance or a similarly inappropriate situation, the portable converter page will allow you to download a free portable Anticonverter which will revert you to your original form any time, anywhere.
How exactly does this cabbage transformation thing work?
The details of this complicated procedure are currently classified. However, as the accompanying image illustrates, the fact that humans and cabbages share 57% of their genes to start off with aids in the conversion procedure considerably.
I'm always being attacked by ferocious vegans!
The one small drawback to being a cabbage is that you are likely to be pursued by hungry humans as a food source. To make matters even more disturbing, these predators are often unenlightened former friends, workmates and even close family members. It is suggested that all humans-turned-cabbage download a free portable cabbage converter from the download page. This little device will save you from sticky situations by allowing you to convert or anticonvert you any time, any place!
Should I eat cabbage now I am one?
This is a decision which you will have to make for yourself. A poll on this highly contentious ethical problem was run by The Page That Turns You into a Cabbage for several years, but the results were inconclusive. However, the fact that cabbages do not have mouths is a fairly useful deciding factor in this decision.
Is there any tension between cabbages of different types, or do they get along well generally?
Cabbages of all varieties from broccoli to Chinese cabbage generally tend to get along well with each other, bound by the common experience of once having been human. The cabbage community was really brought together a few years ago when it was united in defiance of the Giant Slug Brigade, which was threatening the well-being of cabbages worldwide. There does seem to be a minor discrimination against brussel sprouts among a few more recent members of the community, which is apparently caused by childhood trauma relating to being forced to consume copious amounts of the vegetable by their parents "for their own good". However, these biased attitudes do not continue for long once the cabbage in question gets to know a brussel sprout as a peer.
What is the best way to cook a cabbage? (also: Please send me a recipe for cabbage soup/sauerkraut/cabbage gelatine surprise etc.)
The Page That Turns You into a Cabbage is not able to provide information pertaining to the cooking and consumption of cabbages. This is seen as promoting cannibalism by many humans-turned-cabbage.