THE JOKE ARCHIVE

ALL THESE JOKES HAVE BEEN SENT TO ME BY PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD. NEW JOKES ALWAYS APPEAR AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE. IF YOU HAVE A JOKE THEN

SEND IT TO ME

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The shop assistant comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah,we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere,"says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper bag. " The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag,places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me." A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider." A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding."

Hotel notice, Tokyo: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bankok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
In a Leipzig elevator: DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP.
Hotel elevator, Belgrade: TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER.
Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Athens: VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Outside a dress shop, Paris: DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING.
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
Tailor shop, Rhodes: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
From a Russian book on Chess: A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS BEEN PLAYED.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advert for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS.
In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Tokyo shop: OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE THE BEST IN THE LONG RUN.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ENGLISH WELL TALKING HERE. SPEECHING AMERICAN.
An instruction for my new blender: "Do not put hands in the blender whilst in operation"
On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? (really?)
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap -DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up
On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
In a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

"Arial" size="+1">

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said, "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man,
"but my ass hurts like hell!"

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off.
Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end ofhis penis off with his handkerchief.
He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare,embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by
her own callousness, says, with sympathy,
"Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.


A French man is calmly having his petit dejeuner when a typical American man, eating chewing gum, sits beside him.
The French ignores the American who, not happy with it, starts a conversation.
American: Do you eat the whole bread?
French (in a bad mood): Of course.
American: We don't. We only eat what's inside and the outside we put together in a container, recycle it, transform it in croissants and sell
The American insists: Do you eat the jam with the bread?
French: Of course.
American: We don't. We eat fresh fruits for our
breakfast, put all peel, seed and rests in containers, recycle them, transform them in jam and sell the jam to France.
The French then asks: And what do you do with condoms once you used them?
American: We throw them away, ofcourse.
French: We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform them in chewing gum and sell to America.


aeroplane blonde - one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'!
aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all
the way up to the 'cockpit'.
Pearl Harbour - cold (weather). This is one I have heard from a fair few
people recently. An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour
out there !". Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air ! This comes from
the well known surprise attack by Japanese planes on the American port
in Hawaii in 1941 (history lesson over).
Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a
couple of Britney's will ya Doreen".
Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips').
Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a
dodgy curry.
bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the
rabbit
boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the
look of her mate, could be a bunny boiler".
council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter'. e.g. "Does she
take it up the council ?".
Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm
just nipping out for a Donald".
drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so
because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze !
furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on
Channel 4's Eleven O'Clock Show.
greyhound - a very short skirt. From the fact that a greyhound (on a
racetrack) is close to the hare (hair). i.e. "Blimey look at the
greyhound on that bird !".
Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles).
e.g."He needs a good kick in the Jackson's".
Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the
typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The
'no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at
fast-food restaurants oftenwear which show their level of training.
kriptonite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'. One of the few terms
I've heard for this.
kungfu fighter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'lighter'.
Leo Sayer - an 'all-dayer' (drinking or a rave etc).
Melvynn Bragg - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'fag' (cigarette). e.g. "Oi
mate, can I scrounge a Melvynn off you?".
mumblers - used when you spot an attractive girl in tight shorts or
similar clothes i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't
quite make out what they're saying.
Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).
pictures of the queen - paper money, notes. Suggested by Dan Adams.
e.g. "How do you want payin ?", "Pictures of the queen mate !".
porridge wog - a rather un-PC term for a Scottish person.
ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she looks
quite fit but I bet she's got one like a ragmans coat !"
release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. Have heard this one from a
few people. e.g. " I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
ricockulous - a more extreme version of the word 'ridiculous'. Good
for when you want to add more emphasis.
salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.
spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter' (anus). Similar to
"Garry Glitter".
Steve McQueen's - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'jeans'.
swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those
swamp donkeys sitting in the corner !".
tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank
by young women.
tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round
plastic holders that you push tea towels into resemble the anus.
tropical fish - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'piss', pron. 'pish' (in a
Scottish way ?). An example of an abbreviated way of using it would be
to say "I'm off for a troppie".
Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin a Turkish mate !".
up on blocks - having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action, a bit
like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight
lads, the missus is up on blocks".
Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
wigger - a white man who is trying to act like a black man. Especially
applied to a white rapper, i.e. Vanilla Ice.
wind and kite - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'web site'.
wizzards sleeve - a large (cavernous) vagina. I've had this suggested
from anumber of people and think it may be a creation of the 'Viz'
comic
(popular in the UK)
. Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.
Wynona Ryder - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. Suggested by James
Mellor. e.g. "Can I have a pint'a Wynona and half a Nelson".


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair all different colors -
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, "What's the matter, old timer?
Never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

***THIS IS NOT A JOKE! THIS IS A TRUE STORY!***
This story was reported on a radio station in Freemantle Western Australia and later investigated by a student reporter from Perth, it hasn't been published until now. The radio report transcribes as follows:
"A man in his early thirties died in hospital today after being discovered in his downtown Antique restoration workshop suffering from severe groin injuries. He was barely conscious after an apparent accident when paramedics rushed him to Freemantle Royal Infirmary where he died of his injuries."
Cub reporter Angeline MacKenzie later discovered that the man, Bruce Coltrane, had been found by his wife after she had heard cries of agony coming from the workshop.
The temperature on that day was well into the 40's - Coltrane was enjoying an ice cold Coca Cola. MacKenzie believes that the man became aroused by the heat and possibly boredom and started to masturbate.
During his session he decided to experiment with self-piercing by hammering thin nails into his foreskin.
He apparently slipped and missed the nail hitting the gland of his penis with the 2 pound hammer splitting it wide open. In the shock of what he had done he reached for the Coke and poured the cooling liquid on to his bleeding member whilst staggering towards the phone. What happened next defies believe.
Coltrane's pain was so extreme that he passed out and fell to the floor, It's understood that he woke several hours later to discover to his horror that not only his penis but his scrotum and testicles completely missing.
The investigation revealed that the blood and sugary drink had attracted rats which chewed the unconscious mans exposed genitalia even delving into the soft flesh of his intestine only stopping when he came round.
Bleeding profusely he cried for help and later died from shock and loss of blood.
Nasty.

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,
" What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replied.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might even walk again.

David Beckham was speaking at a management conference:
"The best thing about them," he said, "is that they're only two calories, and your mouth feels fresh for an hour".
A voice from the wings was then heard,
Pssst.... David.....we wanted you to talk about tactics"

The finals of the National Poetry Contest of Ireland last year came down to two finalists.
One was a Trinity University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.
The other finalist was a redneck from Connemara.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The Trinity graduate went first.
About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the Buffer possibly top that?
The clock started again and the Connemara man sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back and everything else he had, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab"
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and made it barely in time to catch his flight
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial loss, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to hail a cab ride back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?," he asked
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"
"What?, Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he eventually reached his old 'friend' at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected,turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God,Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. in return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approvalThe man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around".

Two couples were playing cards. Eric accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Eric hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Eric went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Eric admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cos you $100."
After a minute or two, Eric indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Eric doesn't, that Eric should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Eric went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Eric left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Eric come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Eric give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!'
Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Eric came by the office this morning and borrowed the$100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."
At this moment the younger sister shows up atthe door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says.
"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

A sheep farmer is having trouble getting his sheep to breed. He calls a friend, who is also a sheep farmer, to ask for advice. The friend says:"You have to show the rams what to do"
The farmer says: "What do you mean 'Show them what to do?'",
His friend says: "Well, you know, take your sheep out into the barn, line them up, and , basically, demonstrate what the rams are supposed to do."
Obviously the farmer wasn't too keen on this, but he saw it was probably his only hope.
He loaded his sheep into his truck, drove to a far corner of his land where no one could see him, took the sheep into a barn, lined them up with the rams watching, and went through the line, shagging each sheep.
When he was finished, he packed them all into the truck and drove home. He unloaded the sheep, goes into the house, naturally looking exhausted.
His wife notices his condition and asks what's wrong. He says "Nothing, I'm just going for a lie down. Keep an eye on the sheep and see if they do anything strange."
She finds this request somewhat unusual, but says nothing.
After two weeks, the sheep still are refusing to mate. The farmer calls his friend again to tel him the plan didn't work.
His friend says: "Well, you musn't have done it hard enough, you have to do it really hard you know!"
Again the farmer reluctantly agres to give it a go.
He packs all his sheep into the truck, drives out to the same remote barn, and shags the sheep, this time giving it all he's got.
He loads the sheep into the truck and returns home, where he releases them into the field.
Going into the house, he has the same exchange with his wife. Five minutes later his wife calls him: "Remember you told me to call you if the sheep did anything unusual.."
"Yes.. what are they doing?"
"They've jumped into the truck and one of them's honking the horn"

A man has recently moved to a town in the old west. Very soon he notices that there are only men in the town.
Finding this strange, he decides to inquire. He asks the barman in the salloon do the people not feel certain natural desires now and again.
The barman says: "Yeah, sure, but you see all the sheep in the fields around here, that's what we do."
"You disgusting perverts! How can you?" says the man
The barman laughs "I'll give you ten days, maximum"
A week later, the man is realy feeling the strain of having no sex for such a long time. He's walking through a field, and he sees a lone sheep standing there.
He decides to sucumb to his urges. He apoproaches the sheep. "Would you, err... like to come back to my place?" He asks, nervously.
"Bahhh!" Says the sheep.
He picks up the sheep, takes her home, washes her in the bath, takes her to bed, and shags her.
Then he washes her again, brushes her fleece, ties a ribbon around her neck and takes her into town.
They enter the saloon, and there is a huge gasp of horror as everyone turns around and looks at them disbelievingly.
"You bloody hypocrites! You're all doing it aren't you! I know you are!! Why can't I too?" He shouts
"No, no, you don't understand" one of the locals says, "That's the sheriff's gal"

A man is stranded on a desert island. Having been there for quite some time, he is really desperate to enjoy female company once again.
He decides to explore the island. In a jungle clearing, he finds a sheep and a dog. He decides that his desperation is such that he will have to shag the sheep.
He takes off his trousers and makes a grab for the sheep, but the dog jumps at him and chases him away. He makes several unsuccesful attempts, each time the dog chases him away. After several days and many failed strategies, he gives up. He goes down to the beach and sits there, resigned to his fate. Then he sees something floating on the horizon. He jumps into the water and swims out to it. It turns out to be a very beautiful woman, floating on a raft and close to death after surviving a shipwreck.
He brings her back to the island and manages to nurse her back to health. After a few days, she regains consciousness.
She looks at him and says. "Oh, thank you! You saved my life! How could I ever repay you?"
The man thinks for a moment and says:"Well, there is one thing you could do..."
"Just tell me, I'll do anything!" she says
"Well, could you come over here and hold back this dog for a minute?"

A priest and a nun are crossing the desert by camel. Suddenly, in the middle of nowhere, the camel collapses and dies. The priest and the nun realise that they cannot get out of the desert without the camel, and they start praying for help.
After days of praying, they are finally resigned to their fate and they prepare to die.
The priest says to the nun: "You know, being a religious man from a very young age, I never actually saw a naked woman; so now that I'm going to die, do you think you could give me a look, just so I won't have to die without having seen the naked female body.
She agrees, and takes off her clothes, lets him have a look.
Then she says: "Well, it's the same with me. I've never seen a naked man, so maybe if you could return the favour...
He obliges, and she looks at him as he stands naked before her. She points at his cock:
"What's that?", she asks.
"Oh, er that's, emmm.." the priest searches for the appropriate description...
"If I, emm, insert it into something, it errr, produces life"
"Well go on and stick it up the camels arse then!!"

A man lives in Rome, and every day the pope drives by his house. It is this man's lifelong ambition to meet the pope, so one dayx he goes and buys himself the most expensive suit he can afford, gets all dressed up, and stands at the side of the road as the pope approaches in his car.
To his dismay, the pope drives straight on by, but stops a bit further down the road, where a homeless man, clothed in rags, is begging by the side of the street.
The pope gets out of the car, goes over to the homeless man, and speaks briefly to him before driving off again.
The guy with the new suit is very disappointed, and goes to the homeless guy, and offers him to swap their clothes, which he of course accepts happily.
So, the next day, our hero sits on the pavement, wearing the beggar's rags, and waiting for the pope to drive by.
Sure enough, the pope comes, and stops at the same point as the day before.
He goes over to the man, bends over him and says: "I thought I told you yesterday to fuck off out of my sight!"

A cruising ship sank in the South Pacific and a few survivors got stranded near beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere.
The following people were lucky enough to ge stranded on 9 different islands:
2 Italian men & 1 Italian woman
2 French men & 1 French woman
2 German men & 1 German woman
2 Greek men & 1 Greek woman
2 English men & 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men & 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men & 1 Japanese woman
2 American men & 1 American woman
2 Irish men & 1 Irish woman
The situation on month after reaching safety was:
One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are happily living in a menage a trois.
The two German men organised a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men have looked at the endless ocean, taken one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything better that the men can do,about the necessity for fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and her relationship with her mother improving.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
And the Irish? They divided the island into North and South and set-up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is an issue because it gets foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day when, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left little finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my little finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah, the wonders of German superior know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes.In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear end.
"What on earth are you doing?" asks the American.
The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax."

BACK TO SEANS HOMEPAGE