WASHINGTON, DC�This past Tuesday, the hotly contended decision of Green Party candidate Ralph �Starbucks Blows� Nader to remain in the presidential race, even with ostensibly no chance of winning, resulted in the greatest coup ever to disrupt the sacred two-party system of the United States. Nader confounded the Washington intelligentsia by racking up a staggering 327 electoral votes and carrying the key battle states of Pennsylvania, Florida, and Alaska.
�And to think everyone was worried that I�d succeed only in dividing the Democrat voters, thus robbing Gore of a small yet vital amount of votes, in effect, gift wrapping the Oval Office for Bush,� chuckled a bemused and visibly inebriated Nader. �It�s like I�ve said all along,� he continued, but not before pinching the rear of a comely young aid, �people just don�t invest enough faith in the extreme, leftist coalitions of this great nation.�
Not surprisingly, Democratic candidate Al Gore had nothing but kind words for the president-elect. �Gosh, I was a tad disappointed at first, but it�s wonderful to see actual proof that the Electoral College works. God bless America!�
In the midst of outfitting his prized 1985 Cadillac with a glorious pair of longhorns, former GOP hopeful George W. Bush took a time out to crack open a Miller Lite and share his thoughts on the election. �Goddamn, man, I mean, them Green assholes�can I say �assholes?��is going to do one helluva job for this here country, whee doggy! Besides, now I can concentrate on running a new baseball team from the great state of Texas into the ground. Don�t mess with Texas!�
The first order of business on the new President�s agenda will be to �remove all vestiges of corporate influence from the White House.� 14 able-bodied Navajo Indians have already been commissioned to convert the historic edifice to adobe. Furthermore, a dozen Inuit tailors are being flown in from their colony within the Arctic Circle to augment the new president�s wardrobe with a plethora of all-natural hemp underwear. In his own words, �I don�t go in for that Fruit of the Loom shit.�
Later in the week, Nader is expected to give his adoring public a stern lecture from the Lotus Position, reprimanding them for �suckling at the tit of Big Money like so many Cambodian whores.� The commander in chief will then wax at length on his greatness, take two spoonfuls of wheat germ, and go to bed early.
Nader�s Yahoo! Inaugural Ball is still in the works, but it is rumored that the Eagles will play.
Originally printed 11.13.00
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