A few months ago I came across a standard dawaganda leaflet explaining how to make salat. I thought to myself, since salat in Hebrew means "salad", this would probably dwell on the intricacies of cutting tomatoes and cucumbers and mixing them. Then I realized they were referring to the Arabic word salaat , which means "prayer". Making salat is what Muslims do regularly, five times a day. It is one of the pillars of the Islamic faith, the arkaanu l-Islaam, which include also shahaada ("La ilaaha illa llaah waMuhammad mastuulu llah") , zakaat (almsgiving - ask the Shaikh), saum (fasting from sunrise to sunset during Ramadaan) and hajj (an exercise in geometry - forming seven circles round a cube).

Actually, the word salaat does not appear in the Qur'an as I wrote it above. In the Qur'an it appears as , which stand for S-L-W-T and could therefore be read as salawat. The fact is, the W is an integral part of the Aramaic word from which salaat was borrowed: selota. The word is found in the Jewish prayer for the dead, the Kaddish, which is a mixture of Aramaic and Hebrew:

So the "clear Arabic Qur'an" (qur'aanun 'arabiyyun mubiin) contains an important loan-word from Aramaic. Well, this is not surprising, considering the number of Aramaic-speaking Christians the Arabs came to know. And just for the score, the Qur'an contains Greek loan-words as well, such as Ibliis (the Devil), from Greek diabolos (from which the English devil also comes).

The Logic of Prayer

So much for the word, now for the idea. The idea is that God is all-powerful (la haula wala quwata illa billaah - there is no might and no power but in Allah) and mankind is powerless. The omniscient god needs our prayers in order to inform him what we need, and then by our prayer we are given what we need. It works just like a vending machine - you insert a coin and press the appropriate button, and there you go, you get a Coke or Pepsi.

Well, that sort of arrangement used to work. It worked in those lovely days when the world was flat, when the sky was a solid roof over our heads, when the stars were small lamps stuck on that roof. It doesn't seem to work in our modern spherical world. As the article The Case Against School Prayer at the Secular Web has it, it has become widely acknowledged that only less praying and more studying can raise SAT scores at schools.

I can hear you Tawheedians shouting, "No, really! Prayer does work! I once prayed and won the lottery! This proves that Allah listens to our prayers". Erm, yes, you won the lottery - this may prove, at best, that Allah listened to your prayer. It is curious, however, that the Great Watakushi in the sky listens to Ahmad Ras-al-Bataata but neglects to heed the prayers of millions of starving children in Africa. Moreover, what would the same Ras-al-Bataata have said if he had not won the lottery? "I wasn't worthy", "it wasn't in Allah's plans" etc. All failures can be glossed over to an interpretation of Divine Will, lest the believers be forced to admit that prayer has no effect whatsoever.

Once, a Jewish Tawheedian (read: black suit and hat, yeshiva and all the rest) gave me a dazzling demonstration of the efficacy of prayer: he told me of a man who took his time to pray to the Lawrd for ten minutes, thereby missing a bus which exploded (Israeli busses, as you may know, have a tendency to explode, courtesy of the Hamaas. Aw shucks, wouldn't you do it for 72 whores? Yeah!). Hmmm, well, I've really got to hand it out to that Orthodox Jew for such a clear QED. He is absolutely right, the prayer did save him from certain death. However, I should also venture to say that if that man had masturbated during those ten minutes, the result would have been the same. One should not attribute to prayer what one could just as easily attribute to masturbation. What is more, they also say that verbal supplication is not necessary - amulets, magic stones and pictures of the Salaf (aka Ancestor Worship) can also help.

After all that is fair and square, our disgruntled Tawheedian will protest, saying that this is not the purpose of prayer at all. Prayer is not meant for gaining sustenance at all (it is by sheer coincidence that prayers have pleas for food and health in them), but for strengthening our relationship with the Great Watakushi. In other words, prayer is not the selfish, man-centered act of begging for food like a whino, but the selfless, God-centered pastime of Kissing Allah's Gluteus Maximus. You affirm your relation with the Great Watakushi by telling how great he is and how small you are. It is necessary that you do it three (Jehova's quota) or five (Allah's quota) times a day, or else the Great Watakushi will be VERY UPSET! He'll sulk at you and refuse to talk to you, and perhaps throw some stones from the sky at you.

Some Final Thoughts

They say prayer has an uplifting effect (so does marihuana, however). But they fail to mention the natural process that besets all those who say the same words from a prayer-book three or five times a day: machination. This word comes from machine, in Hebrew mekhona , in Arabic maakina , both from Greek. After saying the same text for years, man becomes a praying-machine, uttering the words without thought or meaning, thus giving a new twist on the term Deus Ex Machina. In fact, this is the essence of religion in general: transforming Man into a programmed automaton. To all those who reject evolution I say: I'd rather be an ape than a machine. Apes don't pray, and they seem to be doing fine.

I shall not elaborate on the Prayer in School subject, I think the Freedom From Religion Foundation does a good job at elucidating the idea. However, I shall end with a tasty morsel for all would-be "Prayer in School" Christians. Open your Baspel (Bad News Bible) at Matthew, 6:5-6, thus:

What would Jesus do? No Prayer in School, that's for sure!

Alhamdu lillaahi qubhaanahu wata'aala,
alhamdu lillaahi 'azza wajalla waqabuha.