Shayk Saqr wins Best Fatwa at the Omars 

Riyadh, KSA- In the luxury Al-Rasheed hotel early this evening, Shayk Naarudeen Saqr was announced the winner of the Best Fatwa of the Year Award, a prestigious honor given only to the member of the ‘ulema who expresses Allah’s verbatim decree in the most non-innovative (un-bidah-like) and unthinking, literal fashion. The award- a cast iron scimitar- is dedicated to the memory of Khalifa ‘Umar, radiallat ‘anhu, the Shadow of Allah on earth, and had he lived today, an excellent prospect for the WWF- World Wrestling Federation ("Leeetttttss get readddy to Fataah!"). 

    Shayk Saqr became prominent earlier this year for resolving one of the trickiest questions of 15th century jurisprudence: the proper manner of destroying all web pages that proclaim messages contrary to the One True Deen of Islam. Previous to Saqr’s fatwa, individual believers were at a loss as to whether they should burn their computers if they had come across un-Islamic content, as they would with the previous medium of books, or stone them with rocks, which would just as effectively disable the impurity of jahiliyya computer networks.  

    Blessed by keen juridical insight, Saqr ruled that it was Sunnah of the Prophet and the Sahabah to immolate and stone tainted CPUs.  

    Several manufacturers of PCs in the Silicon Wadi expressed great satisfaction at the Shayk's ruling, going so far as to shout "Allahu Akbar!," despite being kafir vermin.  No doubt their exuberance was justified by the likelihood that millions of web pages would meet the Shayk's criteria for impiety, guaranteeing a continuing stream of new business to replace "Hudoodoo-ed" PCs.   
    Although a few skeptical munafiqeen hypocrites have raised doubts about the plausibility of deleting blasphemy on the Web- the Shayk proved once again that realism is not a forte in the path of Allah.  "If the Zalimeen move their blasphemies to yet other servers after we TOS them, even setting up hundreds of mirror sites- Subhanaka- we will destroy them all!  Even if it means 50 times the number of people see the website after our free public relations efforts....Allah be praised."     

    In his acceptance Khutbah, the Shayk had more pearls of wisdom about the pressing issues of the Internet generation:   "Oh my brothers!  Taqleed is the lifeblood of our existence- were we not to emulate every minutiae of the Golden Era of Islam, we might actually have to invent an identity for ourselves!   Can you imagine, not asking whether the Prophet Sal Allahu wa Salaam used a Mac OS or Windows?  Whether the glorious Sahabah, when they weren’t busy killing themselves in internecine strife, favored open source or proprietary?  How to round up the sareeq-users list of Napster, and give the thieves their proper amputations?"

"Inshaa Allah, Dar-ul-Internet needs Islam as much as Dar-ul-Harb!  Only mu'mineen can purify the Internet of the idolatrous filth, replacing it with the Islamnet- the Indoctrination Super Siraat (Highway)!"  The Shayk's khutbah was greeted with a standing takbir, forming one of the most memorable moments of the night.    

Among the other Stars attending, King Wahhab was on hand to bestow the Shayk’s crowning achievement, as well as the medals for several categories of Omars-  Best Peripheral Vision Destroying Burqa, Best Tooth Stick, Best Supporting Toady, Best Crooning of a Qur’anic Surah, Best Creationist Balderdash Apologetics....