Title: Waited For Love To Pass Me By
Rating: PG for angsty-angst
Author: MissKitieFantastico
Disclaimer: Don't own diddly-squat so go away and don't rub it in.
Distribution: Want. Take. Have. Just let me know where so I can brag
that someone likes me.
Feedback: I'm a feedback slut… Don't make me beg.
*Spoilers*: Vague `Birthday' and `Waiting In The Wings'
Timeline: Set after Angel goes up to his room after the end of the
episode.
Summary: Angel reflects on Cordy after he tried to tell her how he
felt.
Author's Note: I was in a mondo depressed angsty mood after watching
the ep. tonight (witw) and this is what you get on no sleep and bad
juju.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter One
Waited For Love To Pass Me By
Angel paced in his room, quietly trying to let off steam without
waking Connor. He ripped his tie off his collar and threw the jacket
on the bed. His jaw clenched and released in anger over what had just
happened to him downstairs.
Timing.
That's what it came down to, and no one had it worse than he did.
He was in the middle of spilling his guts to Cordelia, or more
accurately trying to stumble through them with incoherent wording,
when who appears out of nowhere?
That damn Groosalugg.
Hadn't they left him in Pylea, or more to the point, hadn't they left
him in Pylea where he was supposed to stay?
But no, he had to show up all lost little puppy with no home and big-
blue-eyed… Angel decided right there that something was wrong with
him, no one had iris's that big and, well…blue.
Finally after what seemed to be an eternity of internal ranting, one
might externally perceive it as brooding, Angel sighed with
resignation. This was it for him. The end of the line, there was no
way he could compete with Groo. Cordelia loved him, and Angel had
wasted too much time… Sure with the guy in a different dimension he
had a shot, but now…
Angel looked up from the floor to his nightstand. Tentatively he
walked toward it and opened the drawer.
There it was.
He took the small silver box out of its hiding place and twirled it
in his hands.
It was her birthday present.
He still hadn't given it to her. He wanted to wait for the right
moment, but once again it was another failure. Once again he had
waited too long. Angel felt his insides twist as he thought about the
night he bought it. There it was, on the velvet bust in the shop
window. Just begging him to buy it because she was worth it, and he
loved her, and she deserved it. Something inside of Angel just knew
that if he bought this for her it would make everything ok.
That present was supposed to be how he told her that he loved her.
And everything would be ok.
But now nothing was ok. Now his world had somehow dissolved without
his permission and his heart had been taken with it.
He exhaled a strained breath before resigning himself to the edge of
his bed and opened the box.
There it was.
The locket.
With a shaky hand, Angel removed it from its bedding of white silk
and gently rubbed his thumb over the gold heart. The locket gleamed
in the light from the bedside lamp, and Angel searched for his
reflection in the brilliantly polished gold, but to no avail.
He had no reflection, because he wasn't a man… He wasn't a man like
she always treated him, but a vampire. How had he grown to loathe
that word… Because of her, because when he was with her that's
exactly how she made him feel—Like a man not a fanged *thing*.
Somehow reality had finally found him and he was forced to come to
terms with something he had long since forgotten. He was a demon, and
she was a beautiful woman and nothing he could imagine would take
that away.
His hands were trembling as he tried to open the locket to look at
the picture of Connor he put in it for her. He had almost decided
against it before, but he put the picture in there anyway. Angel
would never admit it to anyone, sometimes not even himself, but…
sometimes he would see Cordy with Connor and forget that she wasn't
his mother. He chastised himself for it every time he thought that,
because Darla was his mother, and she had given him her life… But he
couldn't help it.
Angel clamped his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry, as he closed
the locket. He finally opened his eyes again to give the locket a
good look. He tried to memorize its shape and the intricate carvings
etched into the face.
He gently placed it back into the box and replaced the lid.
Angel took a deep breath before standing, and for just a moment, he
hesitated, turning the small box over in his still shaky hands. He
shut his eyes again as a silent sob threatened to escape his throat
and the hot salty tears threatened to flow.
He slowly extended his arm in front of him, everything seeming to
move in slow motion, as he let the box drop into the trashcan.
***********************
Chapter Two
Thoughts From A Broken Heart
The most embarrassing and heart-wrenching moment of my life occurred
earlier this evening. And so, here I sit—alone—at my desk, just
wondering where I went wrong. I'm a former Watcher, so one would
assume that I would have at least seen it coming. But of course not.
I had my head too firmly planted up my arse to see it, bright as day
though it was.
I sigh and look down at my hands that have been trembling non-stop
since stumbling upon Gunn and Fred being intimate with one another at
the ballet. I do believe that my heart has actually broken into
pieces after that sight. I just never expected Gunn to do such a
thing…
But really, what did he do?
He followed his heart and didn't hesitate when he saw what he wanted.
And I do believe that all I have ever done in my life is hesitate.
Never the bloke with the speedy plan in the face of danger. Always
the blundering ponce that freezes just long enough to get himself
killed. Maybe my father was right about me. Maybe I am doomed to
failure here, but I've nothing to go back to England for.
So here I stay, looking out into the lobby at the love whom I should
have claimed long ago, and the man who isn't me, sitting at her side.
I want to do something at this very moment, be it cry or shout out
the unfairness of the ridiculous situation, or resort to violence
with the man I had come to endear as my friend. My eyes grow blurry
just staring at them talking on the couch like lovebirds, completely
oblivious to the world around them.
And then there's the other newly happy couple of Cordelia and
Groosalugg who have chosen to make their conversation, in between
lengthy kisses, on the staircase.
At one time I hadn't believed Cordelia. That we were meant to be
alone, but I believe it now. Relationships for us do not lead to
dreamy conversations on a cottage porch over afternoon tea and
scones. Relationships lead to pain and regret and for some of us,
even death.
Even just thinking of love's pains I sadden a little bit more, and I
can feel my frown unintentionally slip lower and lower until I feel
as if it will slip right off my chin. I do not know how long I have
been sitting at my desk alone, but no one seems to notice. They never
do, and I partly do not blame them. I know this is not the time to
chastise myself, but at the same time it is. I now have a reason
to `brood' and I bloody well am going to take advantage of it.
Which takes me to my next worry.
Angel.
I cannot begin to fathom what he is feeling at this moment… Actually
I very well can fully understand exactly how he feels at this moment.
We have both seen the women we love, flock to someone that is not us.
I noticed Lorne talking to Angel earlier, but I know Angel hadn't
heard a word of it. He was too busy having his heart ripped out of
his body and thrown to the floor to understand the `why's'
and `how's' of the situation.
Immediately he had retreated to his room, one would assume rather
insightfully, to brood about Cordelia. That poor girl didn't have the
faintest clue how he felt for her. Do not get me wrong, I love
Cordelia as if she were family, but she is rather dim-witted when it
comes to matters of the heart.
I sigh once again, as I have probably done quite a few thousand times
since I've been sitting at my desk, and decide to make a trip
upstairs to check on Angel.
I stand quietly, and manage to make my way past Fred and Gunn without
attempting to behead Charles, and slip by Cordelia unnoticed. As
usual.
I make my way to Angel's room, not having the faintest clue what I
shall say. But, Lord knows we really do not need him retreating back
into himself as he did last year. I just hope he's not in a fighting
mood, because I for one, know I am not in the mood to be a sodding
punching bag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~First NOTE~~
All disclaimers: See Chapter One
**IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO SPOILERS, I SUGGEST NOT READING THIS,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU
HAVEN'T SEEN `WAITING IN THE WINGS' YET**
Summary: Angel reflects on Cordy, Wes thinks of Fred… Broken hearts
connect.
PAIRING: uh whatever. Like I'd tell you my final pairing… Hell I
don't even know yet, and it kinda ruins it, but mostly angsty C/A and
W/F/G to follow AtS canon.
******************************
Ok, normally I don't respond to my reviewers individually, but this
story caused me lotsa grief and bad juju, damnit. So…
MIRA: Here is what you asked for! Hope you likes.
EMILY: Thanks for the kudos, and there will be more locket, I
promise… I just don't know what yet.
BARQUALOUNGER: Thanks for the feedback on Wesley. I've never really
done much with him, so I'm glad that my characterizations are pretty
good.
MELOHDRAMATIC: Closure you shall have in one way or another. And I
love your story `journey'… sorry had to throw that in there.
JENNANDJUICE: I'm glad you enjoyed my off-kilter humor, and yes you
can use it in your fics. :)
Ok, so one major round of thank you's to everyone in general, `cause
you know… what can I say, I'm a sap! And now I shall continue with my
angsty-angst story.
******************************************************
Chapter Three
Broken Hearts Club
Wesley paused at the door, hand poised to knock on the dark wood.
Downstairs he had been so eager to get away from the nauseating love-
fest that he hadn't exactly thought about what he would say to Angel.
`Sorry chap, but it's for the best'? Or maybe `I know how you feel,
would you like me to "stake" away the pain'? He grimaced at his own
thoughts, and the cruelty of which they had been said in his mind.
All this pain and anger was because of Fred. He wondered how one
woman could have such an affect on a man, and how he could let her
have such control.
His mind raced back to the events from earlier this evening, when he
had unintentionally stumbled upon them. Sitting on the ground
backstage in each others arms, he watched from afar as his love made
her love known to someone else, and his heart sank and grief overtook
him. He didn't know how or why he had found the strength to get them
out of that time fold, because everything after being possessed
became a blur of motions and distorted shoutings. Everything seemed
to swirl all around him and it had made him nauseous. The car ride on
the way back to the hotel wasn't much more pleasant. It had been long
and humiliating for Wesley. Angel and Cordelia were in the front,
being disturbingly awkward towards each other, and Fred was
sandwiched between the two men. One of them was pining for her
affections at that time, the other tried in vain to make himself sink
into the leather upholstery of the convertible without much luck.
After the initial shock of seeing the Groosalugg in their hotel,
Wesley had retired himself to his office to "work" but found that he
could do nothing except think of Fred. He felt so alone watching the
four in the lobby, like an outsider.
Realization finally dawned on the Englishman as to why he was here,
standing in front of Angel's suite. He didn't want to be alone. He
was a grown man, but at this particular junction he couldn't stand to
be alone another second.
He finally mustered enough strength to knock quietly on the door. He
waited only a few seconds before trying the doorknob to find that it
turned. He slowly stuck his head in the room and called quietly for
Angel.
"Angel? Are you in here?" Wesley's eyes found the dark-haired vampire
standing beside his bed, his back to Wesley, looking down at
something. His feet? The floor? Wesley couldn't see what held Angel's
gaze because his back was to him. Cautiously he opened the door
further and stepped into the room. Angel didn't even acknowledge that
he was there, just kept looking at whatever has at his feet.
Slowly, Wesley closed the door, and moved through the sitting room
and into his bedroom. "Angel?" Wesley's voice had barely made it
above a whisper, but he knew the vampire had heard him.
Like everything in the room was moving in slow motion, Angel turned
his head over his shoulder to look at the former Watcher. Wesley
could see him visibly inhale a deep breath and let it out
painstakingly slow, like it required all his strength just to manage
that simple yet unneeded act.
"Hey, Wes." A quiet greeting was all he could manage to croak out of
his aching throat. Finally, Angel managed to lift his feet from the
carpet, which felt like quicksand to his body, and resignedly dropped
himself onto his bed. He dropped his head into his waiting hands and
rubbed at his burning eyes.
Wesley didn't know what to say or do to help the solemn vampire; that
was usually where Cordelia would step in. But now, she was the object
of his brooding and Wesley was at a complete loss. He cleared his
throat, forgetting about his own pain and focused on the shell of a
man that sat before him.
"Would you like to talk?" Wes moved forward, closing the gap between
himself and Angel, but stopped a few feet from the edge of the bed.
He hoped Angel would say yes, or at least say nothing at all, instead
of telling him to leave him be.
After what seemed like hours, Angel finally shook his head, and
Wesley's eyes dropped to the floor. He sighed sadly before
speaking, "Ok. I'll leave you then." and turned to go.
"Wait. You don't have to leave." Angel looked at Wesley, and nodded
at the chair in front of him.
Without another word, Wesley quietly obliged and slumped into the
soft upholstery of the chair, and removed his glasses from his face,
setting them on his thigh. Slowly he rubbed the bridge of his nose,
getting little comfort from the usually relaxing
ministrations. "Well, tonight certainly was… something…" Wesley
looked to Angel, not expecting a reaction from him and was shocked to
see him open his mouth to speak.
Angel slowly closed his mouth, then opened it again, trying to find
the words. Trying to find something to break through the heavy
silence. "I…" Angel looked as though he would burst into tears at any
moment. Instead he sighed, trying to calm his shaky voice. "I lost
her… I never had her to begin with, but now it's too late. I waited
too long." That was the first time Angel spoke of his feelings
willingly for Cordelia, and Wesley remained silent to let him finish
his thoughts.
Another lengthy pause enveloped the room before Angel continued.
"Tonight I wanted to tell her so badly. She was just so beautiful and
we almost… I just thought we had a chance tonight… I was trying to
tell her, but the words just wouldn't come out right… Why couldn't I
just say it?" Angel jumped off the bed, growling his question. Wesley
knew it was one he couldn't answer so he remained silent.
Angel's sadness was swept away into anger and he paced furiously at
the end of his bed yet again. Except this time it wasn't anger
towards Groo or anyone else but himself.
Angel stopped abruptly and looked to the man still sitting quietly in
the chair, unmoving. His features immediately softened as he realized
the pained and tired look on the Englishman's face for the first time.
"I'm sorry, Wes. There's something wrong isn't there?" Angel sat back
down on the bed in front of him trying to forget about his own pain,
and concentrate on whatever it was that obviously bothered Wesley
enough to bring him up here.
Wesley lowered his head and if it was at all possible, his face
seemed to slacken even more, and his frown deepened.
"I, like you, waited too long. Now she is gone as well." Wesley
looked back up at Angel, who's jaw would have dropped to the floor
had this been a slapstick cartoon.
"I- I didn't know, Wes. I'm sorry. I was just going on and- what
happened?" Angel stumbled through his words, genuinely confused. He
had been too involved with Cordelia tonight to notice anything or
anyone else.
Wesley filled in the details of the night's events that occurred
while Angel and Cordelia were missing in action. He occasionally
stopped to take a calming breath, or to regain his composure while
replaying the night's horrors in his mind, scene by bloody horrific
scene.
Angel didn't just see the pain in his face, nor just hear the agony
in his voice, but he felt it in the room. It surrounded them and it
was in the heavy air they breathed wearily, squeezing the life out of
them. Slowly suffocating. Both men just sat facing each other lost in
individual thought, but coming to a quiet understanding with each
other in their pains.
Wondering how one night could change so many things.
Between himself and Wesley they were a regular Broken Hearts Club.
`Now accepting new members. Join Today…'
*********************************
_STORY BREAK_
A/N: I've never incorporated songs into my fics before, but I was on
a Portishead binge tonight, and these two songs just seemed to fit
perfectly, and they're my two fave's so I couldn't resist.
*Song's are defined by :::::::::::::::::::::::: at top and bottom.*
The first song is titled "All Mine"—I thought this fit a LOT of the
characters, it should be obvious…
The second song is titled "Undenied" – This is such an Angel song, I
thought it fit his feelings perfectly.
*If you ever have the urge to go out and buy their CD, both songs are
off their self-titled album "Portishead"*
Disclaimers: I don't own anything. The members of the God-like band
Portishead own all their own lyrics. I'm so pathetic I have to get my
jollies off using other people's stuff, but just wait, one day I will
take over the world. >=)
Last Note: All flashbacks are defined by =+=+=+=+=+ at top and
bottom. Bear with me, `cause I can't do italics or bold or anything
fancy. What a pain in my arse. =(
**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**==**
Waited For Love To Pass Me By
Chapter Four
Afterthought
AKA: The Day After
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
all the stars may shine bright
all the clouds may be white
but when you smile
oh, how I feel so good
that I can hardly wait
to hold you
enfold you
never enough
render your heart to me
all mine
you have to be
from that cloud, number nine
danger starts the sharp incline
and such sad regrets
oh, as those starry skies
as they swiftly fall
make no mistake
you shan't escape
tethered and tied
there's nowhere to hide from me
all mine
you have to be
so don't resist
we shall exist
until the day
until the day I die
all mine
you have to be.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The hotel remained unearthly quiet for most of the day. Cordelia
never thought much about slow days, but it wasn't just the lack of
business today. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something
seemed wrong. Yesterday everyone was so full of life, but today
everyone was preoccupied. Either with themselves, or with someone
else. Fred and Gunn were a good example. Cordelia thought for sure it
was in the bag for Wesley, but what a turn of events.
Cordelia felt a soft hand touch her arm and she immediately thought
it was Angel. She had been wanting to talk to him again but he made
his presence sparse today for some reason. She turned her head to see
Groo looking at her with loving eyes, and for a fraction of a second,
her dreamy smile faltered.
"Princess?"
"Yes, Groo?" Her faltered smile was quickly replaced with a new,
brighter one as she looked at Groo, smiling at her.
"Are you ok? You looked to be elsewhere."
"Oh no, sweetie. I'm great!" Cordelia beamed at him with genuine
enthusiasm, but there was still something that bothered her. She
remembered what Skip had said to her on her birthday. She felt as if
she left the oven on, or needed to call someone back, but couldn't
remember who. She quickly lost her train of thought as she heard
Connor start to cry in her arms. She looked down at him, cooing
gently and rocking him back and forth.
"I'll put him down, he's probably tired." Angel came out of nowhere
into the lobby and reached for his crying son.
Cordelia gently pulled back and turned toward the stairs. "Don't
worry, Angel. I can get him." Cordelia once again turned her
attention to the baby, whose cries had softened, and had turned into
post-fit hiccups and yawns. "Auntie Cordy can take you up to go ny-
ny's huh Connor? That's right she can!"
Cordelia disappeared upstairs and Angel took one look at Groo before
spinning on his heel and returning to wherever he had come from.
*****************************************
Cordelia laid Connor down on Angel's bed, and began to take off his
jacket when that nagging feeling returned to her. She still couldn't
put a finger on what it was, but now thoughts of last night started
to plague her for the first time.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice?"
"Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful woman I've ever
seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam."
"What did you say?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're not stupid."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Connor looked up at Cordelia with dark brown eyes. Just like his
father. Cordelia smiled for no reason at the thought, and picked up
his jacket to set it on the chair by Angel's bed. Something in the
trash caught Cordelia's attention as the light from the lamp shined
onto it. She dropped the jacket on the chair and reached into the
wastebasket and picked up the small box.
Connor whined at her, catching her attention, so she shrugged and set
the small box on the nightstand. Forgetting all about the tingly-
nagging feeling she had, she turned back to Connor and lifted him up
in her arms before setting him back on the pillows, and she climbed
onto the bed next to him. She gently cooed at him again, thinking of
how different she is now. Even just two years ago, Cordelia would
have scoffed at anyone who told her she'd find ultimate happiness
laying with, and gently talking to, a baby. She used to hate babies,
but somehow Connor just affected her, and she almost wished he could
be hers. She even loved him and treated him like he *was* hers, but
she always knew she'd be a poor substitute for the real thing. Even
if that real thing was an evil 400 year-old vampire.
Cordelia rubbed Connor's tummy and watched his eyelids slowly
drooping and popping back open, struggling to stay awake and look at
her. Finally, Connor succumbed to sleep, his eyelids sliding down
until they closed and didn't open again. Cordelia just watched him, a
lazy smile spreading across her lips before she followed in Connor's
footsteps. Slowly her eyes drifted closed, and she slept there with
Connor, her arm protectively hugging him against her chest.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"Angel?… I want you… To undress me…"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
The memories of her and Angel in the dressing room played over and
over in Cordelia's dreams, and she sighed contentedly.
Angel watched Cordelia with Connor from the doorway. He sighed as he
tried to burn the image into his brain of her with his baby boy, her
arm protectively yet softly draped over Connor. Trying to shield him
from the outside world. He always thought she looked so perfect when
she was with him, but he knew it wouldn't last long now. Soon she'd
have to forget about him and Connor and have her own life, and his
Cordy would leave. He leaned against the heavy wooden frame, playing
the events of yesterday over in his mind. He'd been thinking about it
all day, and had dreamt about it all last night.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"You're a man of many limitations, Angel… But you're a man."
"What have I got to offer her?"
"Do I even have to answer that?"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Cordelia stirred lazily in her sleep, still dreaming, still feeling
that nagging sensation that would not let its grip on her be
compromised.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"… and then we have to find a dress for you… something that will make
Angel crazy."
"Fred, sweetie, Angel *is* crazy."
"I know he's gonna want to look his best for you…"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Slowly, Cordelia stirred and laid herself flat on her back. She
rubbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the dreamy haze that
distorted her vision. She looked back at Connor, still happily
dreaming away next to her. She didn't know how long she'd been
asleep, so she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed,
looking at the clock on the nightstand.
The silver box once again caught her attention, and once again she
felt that tingling at the base of her neck. She shivered slightly,
and reached out for the box. She slowly took it in her hands,
contemplating whether to open it. Something deep inside her said she
remembered this box from somewhere, but she couldn't place it. Still
staring at the box, Cordelia scowled. She hated this déjà vu feeling
she seemed to be plagued with all day, and truth be told, it was
starting to freak her out.
With a heavily dramatic sigh, she succumbed to her curiosity and
lifted the top off the box. For a few seconds, she stared at its
contents, not sure what to make of it. Finally, she removed the small
gold locket from its bedding and held it up to the light. Reflections
off the polished finish bounced off Cordelia's face as she stared at
what was obviously a gift for someone. She set the box on the bed,
and took the heart-shaped locket into her hands. Slowly, she ran hers
finger across the swirled engravings on the front, and turned it over
in her small hands. She almost gasped when she saw the back.
Inscribed with swirled lettering was the phrase, "To Cordy, With Love"
It was for her.
It was from Angel, for her.
And it was in the garbage.
Confusion swept across Cordelia's face as she stared at the tiny
inscription.
Why had he thrown it away? It was beautiful.
She finally opened the locket to see if there was anything inside,
and she let out a small sob as she stared at a tiny picture of
Connor, shortly after he was born. Small tears began to seep out of
her eyes and run down her cheeks as she continued to stare at the
most beautiful thing in the world. She couldn't believe it had ended
up in the garbage, maybe it was a mistake. Angel had to know that she
would have loved this gift.
"To Cordy, With Love"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"… hey, it's awkward but it's not us… as long as nothing is removed
or—inserted… it's all forgotten."
"But it *is* us, Cordelia… it's you and me… kissing you, it's… it's
not something I can just…"
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
The tingling at the base of Cordelia's neck spread through her entire
body, and she hummed with energy and feelings that she didn't
understand.
She didn't understand any of this.
She stared at the locket in her hands, focusing again on the
inscriptions, "With Love"… It raced around and around in her mind but
for some reason, she couldn't reach out and grab it. It just kept
spinning and making her dizzy.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
"What?! Was it like—*disgusting*?!"
"I would, I would just want… if we were to… I-I would just want it to
be… new… start at the beginning."
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Angel watched Cordelia from his spot in the doorway.
He didn't know what to feel, or say, or do.
Should he walk away? Should he go to her and tell her everything?
Should he go to her, but say nothing?
He stayed. Unmoving, he watched her curiosity at the small box, turn
to confusion as she opened it, to joy when she looked at the back. He
watched her tears and her slowly fading smile. Then he saw the hurt
on her face.
Angel's eyesight started to blur with the tears that threatened to
flow, as he saw Cordelia look up from the locket for the first time
in what seemed an eternity. As if she sensed him, her hazel eyes
immediately found Angel, and her gaze quickly focused on his pained
brown eyes.
"…Angel…?"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
your softly spoken words
release my whole desire
undenied
totally
and so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
beneath your tender touch
my senses can't divide
oh so strong
my desire
for so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
now that I've found you
and seen behind those eyes
how can I
carry on
for so bare is my heart
I can't hide
and so where does my heart
belong
belong, belong, belong
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A new wave of tears flowed down her flushed cheeks, and finally
Angel's own unshed tears managed to break free.
*****************************************************************
Chapter Five
A New Kind Of Love
*Two Days Before The Ballet*
Cordelia stood solidly in a fighter's stance, her arms in front of
her. She slowly turned her hands, so her palms faced away from her
and exhaled while she pushed her arms away from her body. She could
feel the invisible energy she was expelling with her hands, and with
arms completely outstretched before her, she closed her eyes. She
took a few deep breaths and felt the silence and tranquility that
consumed her being. She could feel her bare feet becoming part of the
floor, rooted to it like an old oak tree is rooted to the soil below,
of which it gives shade.
These were the only times she felt at peace. When nothing else
mattered except her energy and every slow movement came to her with
natural grace and fluid timing. She couldn't feel the weight of her
body, or the black tank top and running pants that she occupied,
because her body became a part of the air that she rhythmically
inhaled and exhaled. That was when she felt most at home within
herself—when she actually left her body and her mind cleared itself
of all thought and outside influence.
Angel leaned up against the doorframe careful not to disturb her, and
a small smile crept its way to his normally stoic mouth. He never
knew she practiced Tai Chi, let alone knew how much more graceful and
beautiful she could make those movements than they already were. She
looked completely relaxed and calmed at the end of her set, and he
felt like he was intruding on the most private of moments. He gazed
around the now furnished room she had made up for herself before
returning his eyes to her body. He didn't know when he actually
started to notice how beautiful she was, but in that moment he
couldn't think of anything more perfect than the dark-haired beauty
that stood before him. Every time he saw her, Angel had to fight to
keep his mind out of the gutter.
He only knew of one other person that had that effect on him. He
still loved her with every fiber of his being, but the distance
between them now seemed to make the pain fade away. He no longer
yearned for her as he once did, no longer fell to pieces any time
someone spoke her name… and he actually felt more guilty about that
lack of sadness than the lack of her. Angel knew he didn't love her
any less, but every day was easier than the one before it, and he
knew she was tough and would take care of herself. That was usually
what got him through the day if he started to worry about her. That
she was tough, tougher even than him. And Cordelia was just as tough
as Buffy, if not more so. Buffy didn't have a choice about her life
because it was her destiny, her duty. Cordelia on the other hand left
Sunnydale with the prospect of inevitable stardom, but soon found
herself back in the same Sunnydale drama, different city. She had so
many chances to leave Angel that he'd actually stopped counting at
around 107, but she stayed. Now with the visions, which she had the
chance to get rid of -- make that 108 chances -- she found herself to
be bound to him. Willingly.
So here Angel stood in the doorway to her hotel room, staring at the
beautiful Seer -- HIS beautiful Seer-- that bound herself permanently
to him. Giving up damn near everything she wanted from this city to
stay with him and help fight his battles. His eyes seemed to ignite
as he marveled at her strength and passion and devotion to him… and
found himself to be completely, hopelessly in love. Again.
Cordelia slowly opened her eyes, and lowered her arms to her sides.
Her whole body felt relaxed and hummed with energy at the same time.
At the end of her daily routine, it made her feel better to keep all
her movements slow and graceful until the body high wore off on its
own. It seemed to make the peace last longer, which is what she
always strove for. She straightened herself and out of the corner of
her eye, she saw a shape standing in the doorway so she turned her
head to see what it was.
"Didn't want to bother you, but the door was open." Angel quietly
explained his presence and looked down at the floor.
"Just finished. Come in." Cordelia smiled contentedly at Angel before
moving to her bed, and blotted at her forehead with the towel on the
nightstand. "So, what's up?" She sat and gestured for him to join her
with a pat on the burgundy colored silk comforter.
Angel found the strength to propel himself away from his perch in the
doorway, and sat next to Cordelia on the bed. He didn't know why, but
when he sat he could feel the energy from her slowly consume him. It
made his skin tingle and gave him an odd feeling of peace as if he
himself had just finished his own daily set. He couldn't help but
smile inwardly at the effect she always had on him, and the
connection they undoubtedly seemed to share.
"Oh, nothing much. Just wanted to see what you were up to."
"Yeah, right. Anytime you're around it's either big danger or big
drama." Cordelia threw him a half serious glance before seeing the—
almost happy?—look on his face, and she smiled. "Or by the look of
it, you're trying to throw me for a loop and it's neither."
"You got me. I decided since the world didn't end today and we didn't
die, that I'd hang up my brooding hat and just come annoy you
instead."
"Pfft. You could never annoy me… Well that's a lie, but you're not
annoying me now, so we're all kinds of good. Please continue with
your non-broodiness."
"Gee, thanks… I just came up to see what you were doing tonight.
Since we're lacking in the blood guts and gore, maybe we could take
in a movie as a consolation prize?" Angel glanced shyly at the carpet
under his feet, and almost mumbled the last half of his question like
a 3rd grader asking popular Betty Lou, the girl with the cute curly
blonde hair in ribboned pigtails, to hold hands with him in the
courtyard during recess.
Cordelia raised an eyebrow and took in his obviously embarrassed
demeanor, deciding she should tease him a little bit and test the
theory that vampires can't blush.
It was no major secret anymore how Angel felt towards her. Hell the
whole gang knew with the exception of Cordelia. She knew somewhere
deep inside her that Angel loved her, but she never stopped long
enough to realize just that the kind of love he'd only just realized
for her went far beyond friendship or family. She had it ingrained in
her mind since the good `ol Sunnydale days that he would forever be
in love with Buffy, so when she started "feeling different" towards
him she promised herself she would *never* let him know. Completely
tried to block it from her conscious mind. Angel knowing she wanted
him back in Sunnydale was enough. When she met Angel, before she knew
he was a vampire, Cordelia couldn't wait to get her hands on him. She
was always overcome with the urge to just rip his clothes off his
unquestionably sexy body and damn the consequences and the Slayer.
But once reunited in Los Angeles, the more time she spent with him,
the more those hormone-driven feelings started to fade away and new
ones seemed to take their place. Feelings that she had never really
known before, let alone reciprocated, like trust and respect.
At first it had scared her to let someone in like she let Angel, and
when he abandoned her she thought she'd never feel that way again.
But when Angel finally seemed to see the metaphorical light after
his "Beige Period", she found that even after what he did, she still
wanted him back. That revelation alone scared her, because she never
let anyone back in once they betrayed her. But what scared her even
more was how badly Angel seemed to be needed back in. She felt like
if she didn't, he would never be the same and she couldn't forgive
herself if she let him slip away. He did everything and said
everything humanly—and non-humanly—possible to make up for what he'd
done not only to her, but to Wes and Gunn as well. At the time she
couldn't even begin to think about what they were going through, not
because she didn't care, but just the opposite. She cared too much
and it hurt her even more to think about what he put those two
through. At times she thought it was more than she could handle, but
she had a job to do, so she put on her rain slicker and rode out the
storm.
She didn't know exactly when she let her guard fully down after that,
because it was something that gradually just faded away into the
past, and somehow their relationship came out stronger than it ever
was before. But it seemed that along with the hurt and the pain,
those shallow Sunnydale feelings finally went with it, and *that* was
when she found a new kind of love for her vampire warrior. The
feelings of trust and respect she'd known for him since coming to LA
finally molded into the new shape of love. The first real love she'd
known and she had to ignore it, and it hurt her more every day.
Every once in a while Cordelia found her self brooding—yes brooding!—
over Angel. Over why he couldn't just fall madly in love with her
like he did with the half-wit Slayer. Not that she didn't like Buffy,
which she sort of didn't, but half of her was jealous as hell and the
other half she more or less just wanted to kick "Little Miss Likes To
Slay" in the head for not fighting harder to keep Angel in her life.
If Angel wouldn't love *her*, she at least wanted him to be with
someone *he* loved. It's at about this point where Cordelia wondered
when she became Mother Theresa… and when she started feeling sorry
for the Slayer because Angel left her.
Since when did the world stop revolving around her? Did she miss the
intra-office memo?…
But even after all her long, lonely brooding sessions, she just had
to admit it to herself. She grew up. Became an actual human. Found
out the world actually didn't revolve around her and her Donna Karan
collection. Now she was a woman. And half demon. And the world needed
her and their warrior. Somehow that came first in her life, and her
lovelife became a distant third. Second being a bubble bath, a
loofah, and one incredible Phantom Dennis. She knew the world needed
Angel more than she did, and for once in her life she felt good about
herself. Cordelia sacrificed so much on a daily basis, but she always
left knowing it was for the greater good.
And now Cordelia is completely convinced she has been inhabited by
the spirit of Mother Theresa.
Her life had somehow become so incredibly complicated since seeing
Angel in LA… Before it was very non-complicated—get facial, do nails,
flirt with guys, be beautiful. Now it was don't get killed, make sure
Angel doesn't get a happy, take care of Connor, have visions of
people in trouble. Which comes with the complimentary feeling of
being the watermelon in Gallagher's stand-up routine… Well, that last
part was sorta taken care of, but she had to deal with that for over
two years. And she actually loved her new life. She had a purpose and
a family to take care of. Sure they weren't the Cleaver family but
who was nowadays?
Angel waved his hand in front of Cordelia's face, a confused
statement blanketing his own. "Hello? Where'd you go?"
Cordelia shook her head, and smiled. "Oh, sorry… I guess I was just—"
"Brooding?" Angel finished her sentence for her, the confused
statement vanished, and was replaced with a smug smile.
"I need to stop hanging out with you… You're rubbing off on me. So,
movie… is that a date?" Now Cordelia turned the tables back on him
and half smirked with one eyebrow raised, waiting for his always
entertaining nervous stumbling to begin.
"Date? No… just… You know… Casual movie, maybe dinner after… You
know, between colleagues… Warrior-Seer time? But not high-pressure
date--" Cordelia got a kick out of watching Angel stumble over his
own words, trying unsuccessfully to come off Joe Smooth. So she
decided to save him at least *some* face before he *really* turned
into a blubbering idiot like Wesley.
"I'd love to. One night of Warrior-Seer bonding coming right up!"
Cordelia jumped up off the bed, enthused. "I just have to go get
unsweaty and we'll go."
"Okay. Um…" Angel stood and shoved his hands in the pockets of his
black—always with the black, never any other color on the spectrum—
slacks.
"Now is where you leave. Unless you wanna watch?" Cordelia glanced
back over her shoulder before disappearing through her bathroom
doorway.
"Uh…" Angel swallowed the lump in his throat and swore that if his
heart actually beat, it'd be doing gymnastics in his chest right
about then. He couldn't help but visualize Cordelia in the shower at
that moment. He couldn't help but visualize Cordelia with *him* in
the shower all lathery and touchy-feely at that moment. He was
overcome with the urge to just play out his growing erotic fantasy
with her—until reality hit the brakes and he flew through the
windshield and was forced to remember his "no bone" clause. He tried
to stay away from any and all bad thoughts of his Seer, but more and
more he couldn't help himself. His mind just seemed to drift when he
was with her, and he would ramble--a lot-- in his head. She didn't
help either, with her constant teasing and laughing and smiling and
her body…wow, her body… and just her plain luscious Cordelia-ness. He
couldn't decide if she felt the same and was waiting for him to just
throw her on the floor and ravage her for hours on end with passion
or— "I'll be… In my room."
With that, Angel practically ran out of her room and slammed the door
behind him as Cordelia stuck her head out of the bathroom with a
triumphant smile on her face wide enough to challenge the Cheshire
Cat.
"One point for Cordelia in the embarrassment column. He's such a
sucker for my charms…"
*****************************************
Chapter Six
Zodiacal Light
"…Angel…?"
Cordelia didn't even know how she managed to whisper that two-
syllable word. Her throat was so tight, she couldn't even breathe let
alone speak. Well, she didn't speak per se, more like barely made an
audible noise. But even still, she knew instantly that he heard her.
He looked so sad standing in the doorway, and when his eyes finally
connected with hers, she could see the tear slide down his cheek.
That was how she knew he heard her. So much emotion was conveyed
through that simple whisper, and his tear said the rest.
The thoughts and feelings that were swirling all around in her tired
and dizzy brain finally came to a grinding halt.
She was left with one simple word.
One simple emotion to top all emotions.
One simple, yet so painfully complicated emotion.
Love.
She felt it.
All around her.
Inside of her.
In her heart, that was steadily gaining speed and strength inside her
oxygen-constricted chest.
And finally, she saw it in his eyes.
Cordelia never thought it would be possible to read someone so
plainly. She felt like it had been there all along but she was too
stupid to notice it.
She was stupid.
She hadn't noticed it.
All those thoughts that plagued her with the tinglies today, and the
dreams… and she didn't even notice.
He was right in front of her last night, trying to tell her. She
remembered being mortified when he'd said he wanted to wipe it from
his memory, but the rest wasn't even words to her. It was like
watching Charlie Brown talking to his parents. She managed to squeeze
out a witty comeback to something he said, but she was too busy
trying not to cry, she didn't even hear him. She had jumped to the
conclusion that this was going to be his "just friends" speech with
the extra pain of hearing him say, "I don't feel that way about you".
Then she caught sight of Groo.
He had been that miracle she was waiting for.
The famous one that everyone swears to and actually never adheres to
because 99% of the time it doesn't come true anyway. The "God, I
promise if you get me out of this I swear I'll never ask for anything
again in my life!" miracle. And there he appeared on the landing, in
all his miracle-y glory.
In an inane attempt to cover her quickly faltering facade, she swept
right past Angel and fell right into Groo's arms.
But, he was no Angel.
Actually, he was *an* angel, but not *the* Angel. Not the one she
wanted anyway.
Well, he *was* her `miracle angel' until now, when all the little
trivial pieces fell into place. Then came the click. The one Fred
always used to talk about. When everything starts to make sense and
the picture takes shape, and then you realize how stupid you are
because it was right in front of your face and you couldn't see it
until now.
The locket in the garbage.
Angel avoiding her all day.
The way Angel had acted all night last night.
Hell, the way he'd acted around her for months now.
And who could forget the general depressed air that now filled the
hotel to capacity.
Cordelia visibly shuddered at the thought. What could he be possibly
feeling right now? Betrayal? Anger? Sadness? Or all of the above…
Cordelia felt a new wave of guilt wash over her, making the room
topple over and spin. Then she realized she was holding her breath.
She quickly let go of the air she unconsciously held in her lungs,
and the room slowly stopped spinning. She found Angel again, still in
the doorway. He was like a statue, unmoving. Cordelia didn't know how
long they had been there like that, just staring at each other… but
it must've only been a few seconds, because Angel responds to her.
"Cordy." The word was dripping with emotion even to her normal human
ears. She heard it, and she felt it. Pain. The word resonated in her
head. It sent shivers violently through her body and she wanted to
start crying all over again. She had been the cause of the pain that
was so evident in just that one little word.
She didn't know what to say or do. Where do you even begin to try to
explain? She had hurt him. How do you make up for that? Finally,
Angel took the initiative and moved for the first time in what felt
like an eternity to both of them.
He started to step forward, but his foot hesitated mid-step. Angel
recoiled his leg and took a step back into the hallway instead. Then
he turned and practically flew down the corridor to destinations
unknown, leaving Cordelia still on his bed.
She knew then that she was wrong.
The click in her brain had been wrong.
He didn't love her.
She had been foolish to think he loved her.
He was probably so mortified that she could think he loved her that
he panicked and fled.
Her own panic swept her away, quickly forgetting the tear he had
shed, and the palpable feeling of love and pain that had hung on his
simple word.
New tears flooded out of her already burning and red eyes, and she
didn't even bother to control the sob that leapt out of her aching
throat. Cordelia doubled over in agony, clutching the locket so tight
it punctured her skin. She didn't feel the pain in her hand, only the
one in her now broken heart. She gripped the locket tighter, holding
it to her chest. She slowly starting rocking herself back and forth,
shaking uncontrollably, letting her burning tears go unchecked and
her heartbreaking sobs and gasps for air fill the now empty room. The
room that just moments before was filled with so much emotion, was
now barren of all life.
Because at that moment, Cordelia's heart ceased to beat.
~~~~~~~~~
She didn't see the figure standing in the doorway.
She didn't hear the soft footfalls that cautiously moved forward
towards the bed.
She didn't feel the mattress dip, as a large weight settled next to
her.
She didn't notice anything until she felt the hands on her shoulders,
applying firm yet soothing pressure to her shuddering form.
Still wracked with sobs, eyes burning and red from her tears,
Cordelia looked up and into the eyes of Wesley. He had unshed tears
in his own eyes from just looking at her. She just held his gaze, and
slowly her chest starting heaving, struggling for more oxygen. She
felt like she was drowning, couldn't get enough air in her burning
lungs, and she let out a soft whimper before throwing herself into
his chest.
Wesley silently gathered her in his arms, holding onto her for dear
life, trying to soothe her with soft `hushes' and fatherly kisses
applied to the top of her head. He let her cry, soaking his shirt
through and through and he didn't care. There was so much emotion in
her he'd never seen in all his years of knowing her, and all he could
do was hold tight.
Her frantic sobs and gasps for air finally calmed into the occasional
muffled whimper or hiccup of breath before she pulled away from him
to wipe at her eyes. He noticed then the blood that had dried on her
enclosed palm. He took her hand in his and opened her tiny white
fist, revealing a gold locket.
"It was in the garbage." Cordelia dropped her head, chin resting on
her chest in defeat. "I thought it was supposed to be for me, to show
me he loved me… but he doesn't… now…"
She started to sob again, but quickly clenched her teeth together
willing herself to stop. She had to get it out before she lost her
courage. She inhaled quickly before continuing in a barely audible
whisper, "now… I lost him… I never had him to begin with, but now
it's too late."
Wesley, who had remained silent throughout their exchange, finally
reacted to her words. "What?"
She continued, ignoring or not hearing his question. Not seeing the
surprised statement on his face. "I don't know what happened. How
did it get so wrong?" Cordelia pleaded her question to him, finally
raising her head to meet Wesley square in the eyes. Her own teary
orbs silently pleading with him to have an answer. An answer of hope,
or just something she could believe in.
"Honestly, I don't know." Wesley's answer not only rang true for her
situation but his as well. He had to ask himself the same thing about
Fred. `How did it get so wrong?' He saw the crushed look in her eyes
before amending his statement, taking her empty hand in his and
holding tight. "But you need to talk to him. I don't believe it's as
hopeless as you think. But you'll never answer any of your questions
if you don't talk to him."
"I can't. There's just so much I don't know. I've made such an ass of
myself already. I don't know how he feels about me, or if he's angry
or hurt, or if he doesn't even care." She knew that last part didn't
have a shred of honesty in it, but she just didn't know. She felt
like she didn't know anything anymore. How could she talk to him if
she didn't even know how he felt about her?
"You know that's not true. You know it. Don't do that Cordelia. Don't
belittle yourself. You know what you mean to him." Wesley's voice
took on a hardened edge beneath the soft surface. Scolding her for
even thinking Angel didn't care. "Go talk to him."
"I don't know where he is, and I can't leave Connor." She spared a
glance behind her toward the still silent baby on the bed, and she
felt another wave of tears trying to break free.
"It's daylight and being as he won't stray too far from the little
chap, I'm fairly sure he's still here. I'm also fairly certain you
know where he'll be."
Cordelia nodded in acknowledgement. She did know exactly where he
was, and exactly what he'd be doing.
"Go to him. I'll watch Connor."
A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips before vanishing, to be
replaced once again by her solemn frown. Wesley gently cupped her
cheeks in his hands, looking into her eyes with understanding and
love, and then kissed her forehead.
"When did you get so smart?" Cordelia whispered at him when he pulled
back, and he smiled.
"Beginning to wonder that myself."
Without another word, she silently removed herself from the bed,
quickly making her way to the doorway, where she paused to look back
at him.
He gave her a reassuring nod before she half-smiled back at him, and
then turned to leave.
*****************************************
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Chapter 7
Pyramus and Thisbe We Are Not
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Cordelia tore through the hallway, bound down the hotel stairs taking
them two and sometimes three at a time.
Something inside of her screamed in pain from being away from him
like this. Her whole body shook in anticipation and fear at what he
would say to her, and now that she thought about it… what would she
say to him? She didn't care now. She just needed to be near him,
needed to kiss him, hold him. Every part of her yearned for him, as
it always had. Something about Wes's sincerity and certainty struck
her, gave her the strength she needed to tell Angel how she felt.
She leapt off the bottom step, not missing her stride, and flew right
passed Groo in the lobby, but halted as soon as she saw the door to
the basement. Then her knees went weak and all of the courage she
borrowed from Wesley drained from her body.
She was scared again.
Scared he wouldn't love her.
Scared he was mad at her.
Scared that he might actually feel the same.
What would they do then?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Stupid!"
Angels' right leg flew into the hanging punching bag, absorbing not
only his physical blows but his emotions as well.
"How…" a right hook lands hard on the bag.
"Could…" then his left.
"I…" he spun around and backhanded it with his left arm again.
"Be…" followed by a highkick.
"So…" once again his right arm sailed into the heavy bag.
"STUPID!" Angel roared, letting out all his pain as he landed a
roundhouse to the bag so hard it was ripped from the ceiling and
tumbled to the floor almost fifteen feet away from him.
Plaster from the ceiling rained down on him, but he ignored it. He
was so mad he found himself panting… he would've been out of breath
if he actually needed it.
He looked at the fallen bag, and he stumbled back against the wall
needing support. Beating the shit out of the defenseless bag did
nothing to ease him. He closed his eyes, and leaned his head back
against the cool cement of the wall trying to calm himself.
But her eyes haunted him… He closed his eyes and he could see her, he
opened his eyes and she was still there. He couldn't escape the look
on her face after finding the locket in the garbage. It wasn't
supposed to be like this now. He was supposed to let her go, but she
was still with him. She was never supposed to know how he felt,
because now she was supposed to be with Groo.
He couldn't be selfish.
He *was* being selfish.
Because he still wanted to run to her, be with her. He had to let her
go, but he… couldn't.
His heart wouldn't let him, because his heart saw inside her eyes, to
her soul. His heart saw her love for the first time, and it refused
to let go.
Angel looked down at his hands, bruised and bleeding from the severe
beating he'd given the punching bag, but he couldn't feel a thing. He
slowly sank onto the floor before dropping his head into his waiting
hands.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Cordelia had finally found the strength to open the door, but a hand
on her shoulder stopped her. She whirled around to face whoever it
was, ready to dole out a severe ass kicking for stopping her in the
one moment she had the guts to face Angel.
"Princess?" Groo's face fell as she spun around to look at him, anger
emerged as he saw her red eyes and tear stained face and he
demanded, "What happened. Who did this to you. Who hurt you."
"No one Groo. I just… I can't talk now." Her voice barely squeaked
out of her throat. She felt so bad, because of the look on his face.
But she couldn't think about him now. She knew she didn't love him
the way she loved Angel, and each second that she was away from him
now, her heart hurt just that much more. "I… I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry…"
He removed his hand from her shoulder, obeying her wishes, and walked
away.
Cordelia watched him walk away from her for a few seconds, before
turning back to the basement. She took in a deep breath for strength
and opened the door. When she did, she could hear the muffled sound
of the punching bag being hit forcefully. He was down there just like
she thought. She took a few tentative steps down the wooden stairs
before closing the door silently behind her. She took a few more
silent steps, before stopping again. She could see him now, see his
face as he assaulted the bag. His face was contorted in pain and
anger as he yelled out his frustration.
"STUPID!"
She jumped a little as his leg connected with the bag, sending it
flying and landing somewhere in the basement out of her view.
He stared at the bag for a few seconds, before stumbling back against
the wall. Her hand went up to cover her mouth as tears started to
well again. His body went slack, and he lowered himself to the ground
and dropped his head into his hands. She could see the blood on his
knuckles, but he didn't seem to care.
She wanted to move, go to him, do something except just stand there,
but she couldn't get her feet to respond. He sensed her now, she
knew, because his whole body tensed up and he looked up to the
staircase.
Finally the spell was broken, and Cordelia found the strength to
descend the remaining steps into the basement. She stopped, standing
awkwardly in the middle of the room, just staring at him. He stared
back in shock.
"I…" Angel started to say something, but she quieted him with a wave
of her hand.
"Please let me. I have to just say this." She took another deep
breath to calm her shaky voice. When she opened her mouth again, her
voice came out strong, and she was proud of herself. She might
actually make it through this. "I don't know where to begin, but I… I
guess the beginning would be good. I never used to feel this way. I
don't know what happened, I don't know what you did to me. But
something changed, and now…" Why couldn't she just say it? She's
wanted to say it for so long now, and now that she had the chance,
she couldn't.
"I know."
"You know? You know what?"
"That you want to be with him."
"What?"
"And I'm happy for you, really I am."
"Huh?"
"I just hope he's good to you."
"Ok, back up a sec. What are you talking about?" Cordelia stepped
forward, dropping down on her knees in front of Angel.
"Groo." She almost winced at the pain evident in his voice from
saying that name.
"No. Angel…" She closed her eyes. "I love *you*."
A long silence enveloped them, and Cordelia almost forgot to breathe.
Did she really just say that out loud? It wasn't as hard as she
thought it was. It felt good. It felt *really* good to say it--
finally.
She opened her eyes again to look at him. "That's what changed. I
*love* you." She just had to say it again, this time she drew it out,
tenderly. "I…love… you."
Angel was in shock. It wasn't what his mind expected. His heart
expected it, and it almost began to beat when the words tumbled out
of her mouth.
"Say something." She pleaded with him, not being able to stand the
silence anymore, not being able to stand his unreadable statement.
Doubts began to plague her mind, maybe she made the wrong decision.
She shouldn't have told him, he probably didn't love her anymore, if
he ever did at all, especially after what she did to him with Groo.
"No." His voice was hard and cold, it made her blood run like ice and
her heart felt like it literally stopped beating. Her mind had
anticipated that, but her heart wasn't ready.
Tears made her vision blurry as his monosyllabic reaction sank
in. "What?"
"I can't. I can't be selfish. You can't love me."
"Now it's my turn to say no. I can and do love you. Do you love me?"
She reached her hands out to his but he pulled back, if it was
possible, further into the wall.
"It doesn't matter. I'm telling you, you can't love me."
"I just need you… to answer my question… Please. That's all I want. I
need to know."
Angel sighed and lowered his head. His voice barely made it above a
whisper. "Yes. More than you could ever know. But I'm no good for
you."
"How can you say that?"
"I'm not a man. I couldn't even… be *with* you, and I want you so
bad."
"I don't care about that, I care about you. You do remember what
happened last time I had sex right?" She smiled through her tears.
She would make this right. She wouldn't give up now that she knew the
truth. Now that she *knew* he loved her, they would be together.
Cordelia Chase would *never* give up.
He almost smiled at that, remembering her rapid pregnancy. He raised
his head, meeting her eyes, with the intention of telling her that
they couldn't be together, that he'd never drag her into his
darkness, but he got lost in her eyes instead. Her beautiful hazel
eyes swallowed him whole, and he couldn't tear himself away.
They stared at each other, unblinking, before Cordelia moved forward
with inhuman speed. She took him off guard as she fell into him,
crushing her lips to his. A jolt of electricity sped through his
entire body with the feel of her against him, and he finally
succumbed to his heart, ignoring his brain, as he wrapped his arms
around her. He drew her closer into him, basking in the warmth of her
skin against his cool body. Their kiss deepened, grew so passionate
Angel forgot everything around him. The room dissolved and all that
was left was her, his beautiful Seer. And finally she *was* his.
Cordelia pulled away from Angels' lips to breathe, but even the few
inches between their mouths was too much for her so she drew in a
quick breath before plunging back to him. She could feel the
goosebumps rise on her skin where he touched her, making her body
tingle.
Finally, Angel broke away from their deep, longing kiss.
He looked into her eyes, full of love.
Nothing but love.
He ran his hands up her arms to her face and ran his hands tenderly
through her hair. Angel drew his forehead to hers, knowing now that
he would tell her. He couldn't imagine anywhere else he'd want to be
at this moment, or imagine anyone else he loved more than the woman
in front of him. He surrendered to his heart, and there was no
hesitation or fear when he finally spoke the words he'd wanted to for
so long.
"I love you, too."
She let out a delighted giggle, and smiled so wide and bright he
thought he'd burst into flames just from the sunshine in her face.
She ran her tiny hands down the side of his face before landing tiny
kisses all over it.
"We'll make it work." She reassured him as she put her arms around
his neck, hugging him close to her, never wanting to let go. "I
promise you. No Romeo and Juliet here. We can be happy."
Angel just smiled into her hair, breathing her in deep as if for the
first time. They'd make it work just like she said. Because she was
Cordelia Chase… and what she says goes.
~~~<~@ THE END? @~>~~~
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Hello all. I know I haven't focused on W/G/F, so if you'd like me to
continue with them, just let me know. Feedback is always a plus, so
take a few seconds and tell me what you think =)
BTW: I just finished watching `Couplet' and I am officially going to
assassinate all `Angel' writers. They suck. Now I know why they said
Groo would only be in this episode, because he's taking her *away*
from Angel! =( Grrr. Argg. Sorry for anyone who hasn't seen it yet,
but honestly the only redeeming quality of that ep. was Angel. He was
so noble and it made him sooo much sexier than he already is...
Anyways mayonnaise, hope you liked my fic, and happy Groo-hunting.
I'm offering a reward if anyone wants to just kill him for me ;)