Men and Women compared.
Women v Cars
Reasons why is great to be a man!
Men Explained
Mens rules for women
Because we are men...
Chat-up Lines
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
What women really mean...

NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: 
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS: 
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE: 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP: 
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

You can look at pictures of nice cars all you want to and not feel like a pervert.

You can lust after another car and your current car won't care.

You can always test drive a car before making a commitment.

Women can't go 200 miles per hour.

If you are nice enough, your friends will almost always let you borrow their car.

A car doesn't have girlfriend cars that will talk about you and tell her that you are not good for her.

Car's don't care if you leave them in the garage overnight.

Cars don't care if you go on a trip for three weeks and don't call them.

Car's don't get mad at you for no reason every 28 days.

You can have two cars at once and they won't be jealous of each other.

Cars don't have relatives that you have to be nice to.

Car's come with an owners manual.

You have 100% complete control over the direction of that car at all times.

You can stare at nice cars in a parking lot and your car won't care.

You can rub and wax a car in your driveway all day long, and not get arrested.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually all female. 

Beer goes good with anything. 

Football.

A 7 day holiday only requires 1 suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. 

You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 

The occasional, well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 

You can drop by to see a buddy without having to bring a little gift.

Flowers fix damn near everything.

Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

You can take your shirt off on a hot day.

You can kill your own food. 

You know stuff about cars and the garage is all yours. 

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 

Baywatch

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 

You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 

You women just can't help yourselves, can you? Even though this section is clearly marked 'Men Only', you still couldn't resist! Well, anyway, here's an explanation as to how we men sometimes behave as we do...

Why are all men such jerks?

It's a Testosterone thing. Very similar to P.M.S. We men suffer from Testosterone poisoning. 

Why do men ogle other women?

Do women honestly think that all the Testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we get together with them? Besides, women do it as well, but are much better at not getting caught. Women have photographic memories. Since men lack this capability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring.

Why can't men say "I love you?"

Men are taught from a young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is the equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that to be a character fault. 

What's all the belching and farting about?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you.

Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

The correct position is up. It's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. Women have to sit on it. It should be appreciated that we actually lift the thing up!

Why do men like younger women?

Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also energetic and come with very little baggage. There's also less evidence of gravity's handy work on their bodies.

Why do men lie?

We actually prefer not to, but women make us lie. Quote, "Do you think that woman is more attractive than me?" When we tell the truth, they get mad. So we tell them what we think they want to hear. 

Why can't men ever give a straight answer to a simple question?

Frankly, a womans question is rarely simple. In general, when a woman asks a question, she has a correct answer in mind. Men are well aware of this. Therefore, it may take us a while to come up with the right answer. If a question is particularly tough, we may not answer at all.

Why won't men ever stop to ask for directions?

Where do you think we would be today if Christopher Columbus had stopped and asked for directions? This evolutionarily genetic instinct to explore hasn't simply gone away. Especially armed with the modern knowledge that the Earth is round, no self-respecting man will ever stop to ask for directions again!

It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 

If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 

Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 

Shopping is not fascinating. 

When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 

Unless the answer is yes. 

In which case, can he videotape it? 

If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 

The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 

He heard you the first time. 

If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 

Of COURSE he wants another beer. 

"Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument. 

Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 

He was NOT looking at that other girl. 

Well, okay... maybe a little. 

Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy... 

He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 

Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 

Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that... 

He does not just want to be friends. 

If a man gets a promotion ahead of woman, that's sexual discrimination; 
If she gets a promotion ahead of a man, that's equal opportunity.

If you stay at home and do the housework, you're a pansy; 
If you work too hard, there's never enough time for her.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that's exploitation; 
If we have a boring, repetitive job with low pay, we should get off our butts and find something better.

If we mention how nice she looks that's sexual harrasment; 
If we keep quite, that is typical male indifference. 

If we cry, we are weak; 
If we don't we are insensative. 

If a man thumps a woman that's wife bashing; 
If she thumps him, that's self defence.

If he makes decisions without consulting her, he's a chauvinist; 
If she makes decisions without regard to his feelings, then she's liberated. 

If he asks her do do something that she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; 
If she asks him to do something that he doesn't enjoy, that's a favour. 

If we keep ourselves in shape, that's vanity; 
If we don't we are slobs.

If we appreciate the female form, we're sexual perverts; 
If we don't notice, we must be gay. 

If we like a woman to keep in shape, that is sexist; 
If we don't care, we don't fancy her anymore.

If we buy her flowers, we're after something; 
If we don't buy her flowers, we are unromantic. 

If we are proud of our achievements, we are up ourselves; 
If we aren't, we're not ambitious. 

If we ask for a cuddle, we never think of anything but sex. 
If we are totally wrecked after a bad day at the office, 
we never give a stuff about other people's needs.

If she has a headache, it's because she's tired; 
If he has a headache, it's because he doesn't love her anymore. 

If we want it too often, we're oversexed; 
If we can't perform on cue, there must be someone else.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

Can I flirt with you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I've lost my phone number, could I have yours?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hypothetically, what pickup lines are effective with a person like you? 

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

Your place or mine?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Would you like to have breakfast with me?

Element: Woman 
Symbol: WO 

Physical Properties:
1.Surface usually covered with painted film. 
2.Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 
3.Melts if given special treatment. 
4.Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care. 

Chemical Properties:
1.Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones. 
2.Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 
3.May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. 
4.Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. 
5.Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. 
6.Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. 

Uses:
1.Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 
2.Can greatly improve relaxation levels. 
3.Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. 
4.Can cool things down when it's too hot. 

Caution: 
1.Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. 
2.Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah. 

No= No. 
Yes = No. 
Maybe = No. 
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. 
We need = I want. 
You want = You want. 
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. 
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. 
We need to talk = I need to complain. 
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. 
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. 
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. 
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead. 
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. 
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... 
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. 
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. 
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it. 
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're not going to like.