RELEASE DATE: 1974
RATED: Unrated - Made For TV
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - A Christmas In July 2005 Review
The movie is narrated by Mrs. Claus who informs us immediately of that fateful year when Santa just about had it. He wasn't feeling well and was bogged down with responsibilities. (Wahhhhh...I have to work one f*cking day a year.) Well anyhow the doctor shows up to check on Santa. He says that he should consider staying home because Christmas is a joke anyhow among the masses. Santa decides that Christmas must be cancelled so he can get better. Yeah...screw the kids...let the parents deal with the insufferable whining.
Well the world press goes wild with this info and people find out everywhere that Santa will not be coming to town. Mrs. Claus contemplates filling in as Santa and sings a song about it. She informs inept elves Jingle and Jangle (no relation to Legolas of Rivendell) that they can change Santa's mind if they can scrap up some people who believe in Christmas. She sends them off on a reindeer named Vixen to search for people. When Santa finds this out, he jumps out of bed to head out. He knows they are f*ck ups and wouldn't get past the Miser brothers who control ice and heat. He heads out on Dasher to find them.
Meanwhile across the cosmos, Heat Miser shoots down Jingle, Jangle, and Vixen. They land in a small southern town and try to find some Christmas cheer. The local law enforcement give them a ticket for dressing like goofballs and riding Vixen. Isn't that punishable by death in some places? Well anyhow, to avoid future trouble they disguise Vixen as a dog and check in with the townsfolk. Across town somewhere, Santa lands and sets out to find them.
Jingle and Jangle talk to some school kids and find out they don't give a sh*t about Santa not coming. You know in real life an event like this would cause children to make a death cult in a corn field somewhere...but hey...this is animation. It is there they meet a young fellow by the name of Ignatius Thistlewhite. Yes that is his name, Ignatius. Apparently his parents were all for a name that inspired years of lunch money theft and after school beatings. He informs the elves that Vixen was being taken away by the dog catcher.
Under an assumed name, Santa runs into Ignatius and asks about the elves. Santa sneezes and is invited inside by the Thistlewhites for some food and drink. Much to Santa's disappointment, he finds out Ignatius doesn't believe in Santa Claus. During a song, Mr. Thistlewhite tells the story of how he met Santa as a young boy. Ignatius starts crying like a Sally and is inspired to believe in Santa once again. He also informs Santa that the elves were off to find Vixen at the pound. Santa takes off to find the three on Dasher again.
Ignatius meets up with the elves and head off to town hall to try to convince the mayor of the town to give Vixen back. The fat mayor laughs them off when they tell him the story. He assures them that if the elves can make a snow storm happen in Old Dixie, he will make everything work out in Santa's favor.
Unknown to the elves, Santa actually pays the fine at the pound and leaves with the sickened Vixen. Apparently nice weather makes reindeer sick, yet Dasher seemed ok...hmmm. They send out an SOS to Mrs. Claus who responds by flying in on Blitzen. They head off to see the one man who can help with a snow storm in the South. He's Mr. White Christmas...he's Mr. Snow...he's Mr. Icicle...he's Mr. Ten Below...friends call him Snow Miser...whatever he touches turns to snow in his clutches...he truly is too much. Normally I would never trust a guy who goes under five names but in this case it is an emergency.
Mrs. Claus's group plead with Snow Miser to make a snow storm happen. He has no problem with this however, he informs them his step brother Heat Miser is a prick who won't let it snow in the South. So they head off to Heat Miser's place to plead with him. Why...well...he's Mr. Green Christmas...he's Mr. Sun...he's Mr. Heat Blister...he's Mr. 101...they call him Heat Miser...whatever he touches...starts to melt in his clutches...he also is much too much.
So the group arrive there to find the disgruntled Heat Miser. He is rather jealous of Santa's promotion of cold weather. He agrees to let it snow in the South if Snow Miser surrenders the North Pole. The two don't agree on it but there is one more option. The chairwoman of the board herself...Mother Nature...apparently she doesn't get a song and I found it rather rude they didn't give her one. Anyhow, she calls up her Miser sons and demands they do what Mr. Claus asks.
Meanwhile at the North Pole, Santa arrives just in time to save Vixen. Santa passes out in a rocking chair after reading a letter from Mrs. Claus saying she was out tending to Jingle and Jangle. In the South it snows much to the delight of the southern folk. Mrs. Claus and the elves arrive back to inform Santa of the snow news. The world is awarding him a vacation so he can get over his cold.
The children of the world decided that they would bring Santa presents instead. Santa gets a letter from Elvis about having a Blue Christmas. Well it wasn't really from the King but the kids are upset about not having Santa around on Christmas. Santa realizes the children do believe in him when he receives their presents. He snaps out of his funk and whips the team into shape. Get out your cookies and milk mutha f*ckas...there is going to be a Christmas after all. Children everywhere get their gifts and Santa never again will pull the "I'm sick" bullsh*t.
Yes...this film is dare I say...cute. It actually makes me forget the hours of putting up with parking spaces 8 miles away from the mall, bouts with pneumonia, and being nice to people I never talk to through out the year. Stop motion animation Christmas shows just do that to me for some odd reason.
Not much of that here...well maybe the rather obscene part where Heat Miser shoots a few people up the ass with his big heat laser...
1.) Heat Miser - This flaming mamma's boy has a profound interest in acquiring...a-hem...Poles. If he could only be allowed to take over for Snow Miser, that means spring break Christmas every year. Thats right folks beaches, tropical drinks, and tons of naughty college-like fun for everyone making the season bright. But noooo... lets do everything the f*cking Claus's "30 degrees below zero" way why don't we.
DarkSider: First off I want to really thank you both for joining me for this interv....
Santa: Oh great there she goes with her drunken bullsh*t again...every time this story comes up I never hear the end of it from this b*tch...
DarkSider: Well Santa she did save the day while you were laid up...
Santa: Oh shut the f*ck up will you DarkSider or I'll tell the world you wanted a My Little Pony when you were 10 years old...
Mrs. Claus: You asshole Santa! If you dare tell the world that, I will let everyone know who you watch when they are sleeping and awake...I still can't believe I caught you looking into Michael Jackson's bedroom...
Santa: You evil b*tch...what do you expect when you haven't put out in the last 50 years.
DarkSider: Guys can we please...
Mrs. Claus: Oh now you've pissed me off Mr. Jolly...let me tell you something...you're right about one thing...I haven't put out for you in 50 years but when you are out making toys I am the gift that keeps on giving to everyone in our little operation if you know what I mean...whether it be Donner, Jingle, Hermey, or even Sam The Snowman...all I can say is its on baby!
Santa: Thats it b*tch...get ready to hang from the chimney with care!
END OF INTERVIEW
