RELEASE DATE: 1985
RATED: Unrated (Made For TV)
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
However, I�m sure Lucas saw the lunch boxes, t-shirts, plush...(the list goes on forever) with the Ewoks on them. I actually recall being a 6 year old DarkSider and owning a few pieces of their annoying little paraphernalia. Yes indeed old Georgie sure did his best to ride that furry little cash cow. The true victims, the adults who wanted a better ending to the Palpatine�s dynasty. Not that I wanted to see it end or anything.
Alas, Lucas was just beginning his resident of the Forrest Moon Of Endor assault. After Jedi, Lucas gave us The Ewok Adventure, a tame family made for tv special which I vaguely recall losing interest in after 5 minutes as a kid. Why, well because if it was part of the Star Wars Universe I wanted Darth Vadar, Palpatine and Boba Fett godammit.
The Ewok Adventure centered around a lost kid named Mace (no, not Windu) and his sister Sindel�s plight to get back to their parents on the Ewok�s home moon. Not wasting any time, Lucas put out another Ewok movie after this and it would be the one I decided to hurt myself with in this review. Ladies and gentlemen, time to jump back into the land of midgets in furry suits.
The film starts off with Sindel and Wicket The Ewok bouncing through the forest. Apparently Wicket found time to read English For Dummies. I would say he sounds a bit like an immigrant who just got off the boat. I�m serious, you be the judge;
�Sindel leave soon?�
�Goodbye not good�
�Sindel learn here with Wicket�
Anyhow, Sindel checks in with her pop who is putting the finishing touches on their ship. Wicket and Sindel head off to find her mother and come across some danger. A group of meanies known souly as the Marauders (how original) are attacking the Ewok Village. By the way, for some unexplained reason it turns out the Ewoks moved from the trees and on to the ground. Why, well high rise real estate is expensive in a galaxy far far away.
Anyhow, Wicket and Sindel run around avoiding trouble while the Marauders load up random Ewoks into cages. Cages that are being pulled by awful stop motion Dewback-like creatures. During the battle, Sindel�s intergalactic Swatch Watch goes off letting her know that her mother is dead. She catches up with Mace who is still looking too much like Luke Skywalker. He tells her to get their father and shortly thereafter gets blown away.
Meanwhile, the old man is getting the crap beat out of him by the Marauders. Joining the Marauders is sorceress Charal who looks like she got her outfit from a Morgan Le Fay yard sale. Herself and the Marauder�s leader Terak want some kind of �power� from the family�s ship. They find some kind of energy cell which prompts Sindel�s father to run. He catches up with Sindel and hides in the woods.
Meanwhile the Marauders give pursuit and Charal unveils her hidden talent which would be turning into a crow using a lame transformation sequence. She uses a magic cracker jack box ring to do this task. Yep...not even fifteen in and its apparent Star Wars has gone welfare.
Anyhow, Sindel shares some last words with her father and takes off for the woods. The father gets blasted in a simulated kill and unfortunately for Sindel, she is followed by Charal in crow form. Sindel is added to the rest of the Ewok prisoners and discovers Wicket is one of them. During the ride, Wicket and Sindel escape and are chased by a few Marauders. The two lead them up a cliff and luckily find some kind of cave. The Marauders end up blasting the cave in although they end up taking a sh*tter off the ledge.
Wicket and Sindel quickly realize the only way out of the cave is down a huge drop. Sindel decides to get a some sleep while Wicket somehow MacGyvers himself a glider out of some bones and a tarp. While searching for another bone, Wicket wakes up another very awful stop animation monster with wings. The monster grabs Sindel and flies out of the cave. Wicket in turn uses the glider to rescue Sindel from the monster�s clutches. The two fall to the ground in a crash that should have crushed both of them into a pile of guts but somehow end up surviving.
The two rest up for the evening and wake up to meet a new character named Teek. He is an annoying little sh*t who I guess is related to Barry Allen because he is rather fast. Why is he introduced...well Lucas can never give us too many obnoxiously sweet furry characters. After he calms down a bit, Sindel asks Teek for some food. Teek leads them to a little cottage in the woods.
Just as they are about to eat, the terror of Wilfred Brimley arrives in the cottage. Apparently he survived his ordeal with The Thing and moved to the Endor area. This would be Noa by the way, a grumpy old fellow who kicks Wicket and Sindel out on their ass. During dinner, Teek runs some food out to the two much to the displeasure of Noa. As night falls, Wicket lights a fire which is quickly doused by Noa. Noa bends and invites the two inside for the evening.
During the night Sindel has a nightmare about the Marauders and Noa quickly takes up the �mean guy turned nice� role offering his bed to her. The next morning Wicket and Sindel agree they have to find the rest of the Ewoks. Meanwhile in the evil Marauder castle, Charal tries to work some mojo on the power cell to no avail. Terak, quickly growing impatient, threatens to kill Charal if she doesn�t find Sindel. Supposedly Sindel knows how to unlock the power. Just a bit of plot stupidity to keep things moving along.
Noa takes a permanent liking to his two new friends and invites them to stay. The next day he heads off into the woods and Sindel/Wicket follow him through the woods. Nice way to pay a guy for his hospitality...lazy bastards. Eventually he leads them to some kind of space ship and Wicket finds himself in a rope trap.
A rather upset Noa gets him down and explains the space ship. Turns out he crash landed years ago with his buddy on the Forrest Moon and his crystal power cells shattered thus stranding him. His buddy went out to look for a new crystal power source but never came back. Anyhow, not having a bunch of Ewoks to rescue or anything, Wicket and Sindel celebrate that evening with Noa. Noa has a Hallmark moment with Sindel about her family dying.
The next morning, Sindel is lured out into the woods by her mother�s voice. You know, I have to stop here and say it is beyond stupid when characters fall for this trick. Your mother is dead, get over it. Wicket sees her leave and wakes up Teek/Noa to give pursuit. Meanwhile, Sindel comes across a blonde woman with a white dress on in the deep forest. Um...is that Lady Galadriel?
So of corse the woman is Charal and she abducts Sindel and hauls her back to Terak�s castle. Noa/Wicket sees this and pack up a whole bunch of crap and leave. Teek also joins in on the rescue mission.
Charal arrives with Sindel and Terak confronts her about making the power cell work. Sindel, who apparently is as confused as I am regarding his demands, says she has no clue what he is talking about. Terak says she has a limited amount of time to make it work or her and the Ewoks prisoners die. Charal has her magic ring taken away and thrown into the dungeon too. I have to say Charal is a bit on the one trick pony side of things. In the dungeon, we find out that Noa�s buddy was killed by Terak due to not showing him the power cell secrets.
Anyhow, the rescue efforts arrive and find out there is destructive water in the mote around the castle. The boys rappel up the castle wall, sneak around the guards and get to the dungeon. Gee, I just wrapped up 10 minutes of boring scenes in one sentence. Anyhow, Teek is able to rob the keys from two guards playing cards. He also sets one of them up as a cheater which prompts them to shoot each other at the same time. Much like the Greedo/Han thing, I don�t really give a crap who shot first.
Anyhow, all the prisoners are set free into the castle. Noa blasts a hole in the castle wall with a detonator and everyone escapes unharmed. Sindel is lucky enough to remember the power cell and they all make a run for Noa�s ship.
Terak lets Charal loose in crow form (he keeps the ring though) who sets out to follow the escapees. Meanwhile Terak gathers up the old troops and head out on foot. Time to cue the...um...I guess you can call it �epic� Battle For Endor. Heres what it consists of mainly;
1.) Cheesy Ewok fighting methods...the log rolling, catapults, etc...
2.) Noa getting the power cell to work so they can blast Terak�s men...
3.) Wicket almost getting blasted...alas he is saved...
Sindel is eventually captured by Terak who demands Noa to come out with the power cell. Noa agrees to fight Terak for the power cell. Cue one of the worst choreographed fights in movie history between Terak and Noa. The two clumsily go at it until Terak gets the upper hand.
Teek Japs Terak to save Noa and Wicket chucks something at Terak that turns Charal�s ring on. Now for some odd reason, it doesn�t turn him into a feathered being. Rather, it turns him into stone thus destroying the ring in the process. Um...you know what...I won�t bother wondering what that horsesh*t is about. Charal is left in crow form as a result. Yep, those furry bastards win again.
Anyhow, the movie ends with Sindel having several �I�ll miss you the most Scarecrow� moments with her Ewok buddy. Noa and Sindel take off in the space ship thus living happily ever after. Either that or blasted by an Imperial Star Destroyer...for the record, I hope for this option.
I truly have (along with millions of Star Wars fans) a love/hate relationship with George Lucas. I�m glad he gave us such a wonderful legacy with the Star Wars Universe. However, I have to say he continues to introduce plot elements til this day that piss me off.
Lucas wrote the story to this and let me say for all my ragging on it, its not a bad family film. However, when it comes to Star Wars I demand to see blasters and light saber duels. Perhaps what really bothered me about this film (aside from Sindel�s painted on crocodile tears) was the not so sci-fi nature of the movie. There were horses and crows all of which make the film seem less magical. The Marauders are just a goofy bunch of reptilian creatures who aren�t that menacing. As for the Ewoks...well...they�re Ewoks.
Teek indeed serves the purpose of another cutesy wootsey character but ends up getting just as annoying as the Ewoks. Warwick Davis does a good job bringing Wicket to life which I�m not sure is a difficult task. Wilfred Brimley hams it up as Noa but seems a little too old to be taking on voracious warriors.
I would say this is what would happen if a movie like Willow invaded a galaxy far far away. Oh well, at least there are plenty of midgets to go around.
Unfortunately there are hardly to no messy Ewok deaths to report hear. I still think the one that gets toasted in Return Of The Jedi by AT-AT fire is one of the most laugh enducing moments in movie history.
1.) Terak and The Marauders - After typing that, it made me realize how awesome of a punk band name that would be. �Ladies and gentlemen give it up for Terak and The Marauderrrrrrrrssssss�. Sounds bitchin� to me.
2.) Charal - I think that turning into a crow can be pretty bad ass. If someone pisses you off in a traffic jam, do your transformation thing and leave a big, wet, gooey present on their windshield.
