Honesty to lead

  by Adam Pickett (2008.11.29)

  Openness has never been very easy for me, as readiness, or lack thereof, based self-discipline as unwarranted, generated insecurities that would never be personally solved in adolescence, and had made any achievement a matter of entertainment.  As a reflection of my virtual parental abandonment, relinquishment was to be seen at many doors.  In entrusting in modernity, practice of patience was at odds with my non-instinctual insecurities, and the rest was history.
  Whatever of means to efforts in thought provocation has made my self-teachings pleasant, however, wearisome as well; in means of steadfastness, practice anywhere would indicate declination; in means of pushing mental capacity, sacrifice of my body has yielded unsightly results.  After picking up on examples in consequence of dishonest whims throughout my life, I ve come to realize, so far, that not only do many of my long-standing problems fit that example, but so true has there been a light cast on unpreparedness.
  On a basis of happenstance, I discover things I don’t fully understand, succeed without so much effort others seem to exude.  For example, I found a way to calculate exponentiations and logarithms on a calculator using only basic functions, then on paper -- no formulas, no power series.  With a justification of improvement, making revisions in formatted writing is now often done in what I know some would call “loony”.  Notice that this text may show at five lines per paragraph, and each sentence has an odd number of characters.
  One could only imagine a great aptitude in my steps, as I wouldn’t have been able to write anything like what I have late this year, just two years ago.  Credit is due with my sources for information; however, one must be deeply honest and unrelenting to find the truth.  With insufficient and unreliable outward communications, it takes days for me to do what some are able to in minutes; living in something of a Podunk, sources reduced and resided on a mainly soured media landscape prevail reduced accomplishments.
  Something came to me in the notion of arrogance without expectation.  From arrogance in leadership comes an inherent dishonesty, as even my own mother has lost the ability to admit error of judgment.  In a blink of the eye, I found an answer to an undying question: “ego as the root problem in life.” As arrogant and deluded as I can be in life, I kept the idea in mind without hard scrutiny, but never in my thought experiments did it fail.  Ego, and blindness of it seemed to explain everything, as I got the feeling that I had hit the nail on the head.
  Like a weight was lifted off my back, everything seemed clearer.  But given how artificial my approach to life has been all these years, I’ve surrounded myself with distrust; my subconscious doubts my actions, and so my own fragility is tested each day; I am going deaf and blind, and may have a stroke later on in life.  Examples of sacrificial efforts take storm, as one would need to exercise their need for survival.  To be honest with myself and others, claims have to be tested. To be completely open, my state of ego would need to be crushed.
  There is a great need for discussion in a world of establishments that go mad, sucking in whatever they can, and socializing the debt in return.  The infiltration of ego makes way for all corners of mind, as science academia dismisses any notion of disbelief of certain subjects.  With all excuses of political and monetary gain; if you even give an impression of disbelief to Darwinian evolution, or man-made global warming, you are scrutinized heavily, and readily now does it appear as a disciplinary offense for a grant supported scientist.
  In all personal scrutiny, I try not to believe in anything but the absolutes that work: natural means and mathematics.  I would only really take anything else into consideration.  Language, borders and culture tie to these traits, but not always do they translate very well.  Math is universal, and real nature is naturally competent.  Natural means would be the means to the existence of life.  As long as optimism isn’t blindly stated, I share such hypocrisy in the doctrine, as with competence do I see better days ahead.
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