HOMILY ON THE STATE OF MATRIMONY

Short-Title Catalogue 13675. Renaissance Electronic Texts 1.1.
copyright 1994 Ian Lancashire (ed.) University of Toronto

  Edited to 2003 American English* by Curtis I. Caldwell on 19 August 2003
Revised 28 November 2003.

A HOMILY OF
the state of Matrimony

 Of the State of Matrimony.
[Title from the 1979 Book of Common Prayer, Episcopal Church USA,
Articles of Religion Article XXXV, Of the Homilies]

The word of Almighty God testifies and declares whence the original beginning of matrimony comes, and why it is ordained. It is instituted by God with the intent that man and woman should live lawfully in a perpetual friendship, to bring forth fruit, and to avoid fornication. By which means a good conscience might be preserved on both parties in bridling the corrupt inclinations of the flesh, within the limits of honesty. For God has strictly forbidden all whoredom and uncleanness, and has from time to time taken grievous punishment of this inordinate lust, as all stories and ages have declared. Furthermore, it is also ordained that the church of God and his kingdom might by this kind of life be conserved and enlarged, not only in that God gives children by his blessing, but also in that they be brought up by godly parents, in the knowledge of God's word, that thus the knowledge of God and true religion might be delivered by succession from one to another that finally many might enjoy that everlasting immortality. Wherefore, because matrimony serves us as well to avoid sin and offence, as to increase the kingdom of God, as all others which enter the state, you must acknowledge this benefit of God with pure and thankful minds, for that he has so ruled your hearts that you follow not the example of the wicked world, who set their delight in filthiness of sin, but both of you stand in the fear of God and abhor all filthiness. For that is surely the singular gift of God where the common example of the world declares how the devil has their hearts bound and entangled in a variety of snares, so that they in their wifeless state run into open abominations without any grudge of their conscience. Which sort of men that live so desperately, and filthy, what damnation tarries for them, Saint Paul describes it to them, saying: "Neither whoremonger, neither adulterers, shall inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Corinthians 6:9). This horrible judgment of God you escape through his mercy if you live inseparably according to God's ordinance. But yet I would not have you careless without watching. For the devil will assay to attempt all things to interrupt and hinder your hearts and Godly purpose, if you will give him any entry. For he will either labor to break this Godly knot once begun between you, or else at the least he will labor to encumber it with various grief and displeasures.

And this is the principal craft, to work dissension of hearts of the one from the other. That whereas now there is pleasant and sweet love between you, he will instead bring in most bitter and unpleasant discord. And surely that same adversary of ours does, as it were from above, assault man's nature and condition. For this folly is ever from our tender age grown up with us, to have a desire to rule, to think highly of our self, so that no one thinks it proper to defer to another. That wicked vice of stubborn will and self love is more likely to break and to sever the love of heart than to preserve concord. Wherefore married persons must apply their minds most earnestly to harmony, and must crave continually of God the help of his Holy Spirit so to rule their hearts and to knit their minds together, that they be not separated by any division of discord. This necessity of prayer, must be often in the practice and using of married persons, that often times one should pray for the other, lest hate and debate do arise between them. And because few do consider this thing, but more few do perform it (I say to pray diligently), we see how skillfully the devil deludes and scorns this state, how few matrimonies there are without chidings, brawling, taunting, repenting, bitter cursing, and fighting. Which things whoever does commit, they do not consider that it is the instigation of the ghostly enemy who takes great delight therein, for else they would with all earnest endeavor, strive against these mischiefs, not only with prayer, but also with all possible diligence. They would not give place to the provocation of wrath which stirs them either to such rough and sharp words, or beating, which is surely contrived by the devil, whose temptation, if it be followed, of necessity must begin and weave the web of all miseries and sorrows. For this is most certainly true, that of such beginnings inevitably ensue the breach of true peace in heart, whereby all love will certainly shortly be banished. Then can it not be but a miserable thing to behold, that yet they are of necessity compelled to live together, who yet can not be in quiet together. And this is most common every where to be seen. But what is the cause thereof? Certainly because they will not consider the crafty lures of the devil, and therefore give not themselves to pray to God, that he would condescend to repress his power. Moreover, they do not consider how they promote the purpose of the devil, in that they follow the wrath of their hearts while they threat one another, while they in their folly turn all upside down, while they will never give over their right as they esteem it, yes, while many times they will not give over the wrong part in deed. Learn, therefore, if you desire to be void of all these miseries, if you desire to live peaceably and comfortably in wedlock, how to make your earnest prayer to God, that he would govern both your hearts by the Holy Spirit, to restrain the devil's power, whereby your harmony may remain perpetually. But to this prayer must be joined a singular diligence, whereof Saint Peter gives this precept, saying, "You husbands, deal with your weaker vessel, and as unto them that are heirs also of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). This precept particularly pertains to the husband, for he ought to be the leader and author of love, in cherishing and increasing harmony, which then shall take place if he will use moderation and not tyranny, and if he yield something to the woman. For the woman is a weak creature, not endued with like strength and constancy of mind, therefore they more easily disturbed, and they are the more prone to all weak affections and dispositions of mind, more than men are, and lighter they are, and more vain in their fantasies and opinions. These things must be considered of the man, that he be not too stiff, so that he ought to overlook some things, and must gently expound all things, and to forbear. However the common sort of men judge that such moderation should not become a man. For they say that it is a token of womanish cowardness, and therefore they think that it is a man's part to fume in anger, to fight with fist and staff. However they imagine, undoubtedly Saint Peter judges better what should be a false way of thinking to a man, and what he should most reasonably perform. For he said, reasoning should be used, and not fighting. Yes, and he said more: that the woman ought to have a certain honor attributed to her, that is to say, she must be spared and born with, the rather for that she is the weaker vessel, of a frail heart, inconstant, and with a word soon stirred to wrath. And therefore considering these her frailties, she is rather to be spared. By this means, you shall not only nourish harmony, but shall have her heart in your power and will. For honest natures will sooner be retained to do their duties, rather by gentle words than by punishment. But he who does all things with extremity and severity, and always uses rigor in words and blows with a lash, what will that avail in the conclusion? Truly nothing, but that he thereby sets forward the devil's work, he banishes away harmony, charity, and sweet goodwill, and brings in dissension, hatred, and irksomeness, the greatest grief that can be in the mutual love and fellowship of man's life. Beyond all this, it brings another evil, for it is the destruction and interruption of prayer. For in the time that the mind is occupied with dissention and discord, no true prayer can be used. For the Lord's prayer has not only a respect to particular persons, but to the whole universe, in which we openly pronounce that we will forgive them which have offended against us, even as we ask forgiveness of our sins of God. How can it be done rightly, when their hearts be at dissension? How can they pray each for other, when they have hate between themselves? Now, if the aid of prayer be taken away, by what means can they sustain themselves in any comfort? For they cannot otherwise either resist the devil, or yet have their hearts fixed in stable comfort in all perils and necessities, but by prayer. Thus all injurious disadvantages, worldly as well as spiritual, follow this perverse example, and unwieldy fierceness in manners which is more appropriate for brute beasts than for reasonable creatures. Saint Peter does not allow these things, but the devil desires them gladly. Wherefore take even more caution. And yet a man may be a man, although he does not use such extremity, although he should ignore some things in his wife's manners. And this is the part of a Christian man which both pleases God and serves also in good use to the comfort of their marriage state. Now as concerning the wife's duty. What shall become her? Shall she abuse the gentleness and humanity of her husband and at her pleasure turn all things upside down? No surely. For that is far repugnant against God's commandment. For Saint Peter preaches to them, "Wives, be submissive to your own husbands" (1 Peter 3:1). To obey is another thing than to control or command, which yet they may do to their children and to their family. But as for their husbands, they must obey them and cease from commanding, and be under their direction. For this surely nourishes harmony very much when the wife is ready at hand at her husband's command, when she will apply her self to his will, when she endeavors herself to seek his contentment and to do him pleasure, when she will avoid all things that might offend him. For the saying of the poet will most truly be verified, "A good wife, by obeying her husband, shall bear the rule so that he shall have a delight and a gladness, the sooner at all times to return home to her. But on the contrary, when the wives are stubborn, disobedient, and impudent, their husbands are compelled thereby to abhor and flee from their own houses, even as they should have battle with their enemies." Nevertheless, it can hardly be but that some offences shall sometimes come between them. For no man lives without fault, especially for that the woman is the more frail party. Therefore let them beware that they stand not in their faults and willfulness, but rather let them acknowledge their follies and say, "My husband, so it is that by my anger I was compelled to do this or that. Forgive me, and hereafter I will take better heed." Thus ought the women more readily do, the more they be ready to offend. And they shall not do this only to avoid strife and debate, but rather in the respect of the commandment of God. As Saint Paul expresses it in this form of words, "Let women be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the woman, as Christ is the head of the church" (Ephesians 5:22-23). Here you understand that God has commanded that you should acknowledge the authority of the husband and refer to him the honor of obedience. And Saint Peter said in that place before rehearsed, that holy matrons did in former times deck themselves not with gold and silver, but in putting their whole hope in God and in obeying their husbands as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are (said he) if you follow her example. This sentence is very appropriate for women to imprint in their mind. Truth it is, that they must especially feel the grief and pains of their matrimony, in that they relinquish the liberty of their own rule, in the pain of their travailing, in the bringing up of their children. In which offices they are in great perils, and are grieved with great afflictions, which they might be without if they lived out of matrimony. But St. Peter said that this is the chief ornament of holy matrons, in that they set their hope and trust in God. That is to say, in that they did not refuse marriage for the business thereof, for the gifts and perils thereof, but committed all such adventures to God, in most sure trust of help, after that they have called upon his aid. Oh woman, do likewise, and so shall you be most excellently beautified before God and all his angels and saints, and you need not to seek further for doing any better works. For obey your husband, take regard of his requests, and give heed unto him to perceive what he requires of you, and so shall you honor God and live peaceably in your house. And beyond all this, God shall follow you with his benediction, that all things shall well prosper, both to you and to your husband. As the Psalm said, "Blessed is the man which fears God, and walks in his ways. You shall have the fruit of your own hands. Happy shall you be, and well it shall go with you. Your wife shall be as a vine, plentifully spreading about your house. Your children shall be as the young springs of the olives about your table. Thus shall that man be blessed" (said David) "that fears the Lord." Let the wife have this ever in mind, admonished by the apparel of her head, whereby is symbolized that she is under cover or obedience of her husband. And as that apparel is of nature so appointed to declare her obligation, so bids Saint Paul that all other of her raiment should express both modesty and sobriety. For if it is not lawful for the woman to have her head bare, but to bear thereon the sign of her power wherever she goes. It is required that she declare the thing that is meant thereby. And therefore these ancient women of the old world called their husbands lords, and showed them reverence in obeying them. But perhaps she will say that those men loved their wives indeed. I know that well enough, and bear it well in mind. But when I remind you of your duties, then do not call to consideration what their duties are. For when we ourselves teach our children to obey us as their parents, or when we reform our servants, and tell them that they should obey their masters, not only in appearance, but as the Lord, if they should tell us again our duties, we should not think it well done. For when we are admonished about our duties and faults, we ought not then to seek what other men's duties are. For though a man had a companion in his fault, yet should he not thereby be without his fault. But this must be only looked on, by what means you may make yourself without blame. For Adam did lay the blame upon the woman, and she turned the blame unto the serpent, but yet neither of them was thus excused. And therefore bring not such excuses to me at this time, but apply all your diligence to hear your obedience to your husband. For when I take in hand to admonish your husband to love you and to cherish you, yet will I not cease to set out the law that is appointed for the woman, as well as I would require of the man what is written for his law. Go therefore about such things as becomes you only, and show your self tractable to your husband. Or rather, if you will obey your husband for God's precept, then allege such things as is in his duty to do, but perform diligently those things which the lawmaker has charged you to do. For thus is it most reasonable to obey God if you will not allow yourself to transgress his law. He that loves his friend seems to do no great thing, but he that honors that which is hurtful and hateful to him, this man is most worthy of commendation. Even so think you, if you can suffer an extreme husband, you shall have a great reward therefore. But if you love him only because he is gentle and courteous, what reward will God give you therefore? Yet I speak not these things that I would wish the husbands to be sharp towards their wives, but I exhort the women that they would patiently bear the sharpness of their husbands. For when either party does their best to perform their duties one to the other, then follows thereon great profit to their neighbors for their example's sake. For when the woman is ready to suffer a sharp husband and the man will not extremely entreat his stubborn and troublesome wife, then are all things in quiet, as in a most sure haven. Even thus was it done in old times, that every one did their own duty and office, and was not busy to require the duty of their neighbors. Consider I pray you that Abraham took to him his brother's son; his wife did not blame him therefore. He commanded him to go with him a long journey, she did not dispute it, but obeyed his precept.

Again, after all those great miseries, labors and pains of that journey, when Abraham was made as lord over all, yet did he give the place of his superiority to Lot, which matter Sara took so little to grief that she never once allowed her tongue to speak such words as the common manner of women is inclined to do in these days when they see their husbands in such rooms to be made underlings, and to be put under their younger brothers. Then they upbraid them with vexatious talk, and call them fools, dastards, and cowards for so doing. But Sara was so far from speaking any such thing, that it came never into her mind and thought so to say, but allowed the wisdom and will of her husband. Yes, besides all this, after Lot had his will, and left to his uncle the lesser portion of land, he chanced to fall into extreme peril, which chance when it came to the knowledge of the patriarch, he immediately put all his men in harness, and prepared himself with all his family and friends, against the army of the Persians. In which case, Sara did not counsel him to the contrary, nor did say, as then might have been said: "My husband, where do you go so unadvisedly? Why run you thus on head? Why do you offer yourself to so great perils, and are thus ready to jeopardize your own life, and to risk the lives of all yours, for such a man as has done you such wrong? At least, if you regard not yourself, have compassion on me, which for your love have forsaken my kindred and my country, and miss both my friends and kinsfolk, and am thus come into far countries with you. Have pity on me and make me not here a widow, to cast me into such cares and troubles." Thus might she have said, "but Sara neither said nor thought such words, but she kept herself in silence in all things." Furthermore, all that time when she was barren, and did not travail as other women did by bringing forth children in his house? How did he respond? He did not complain to his wife, but to Almighty God. And consider how either of them did their duties as became them. For neither did he despise Sara because she was barren, nor criticize her because of it. Consider again how Abraham expelled the handmaid out of the house when Sara required it, so that by this I may truly prove, that one was pleased and contented with the other in all things. But yet do not set your eyes only on this matter, but look further what was done before this, that Hagar used her mistress despitefully, and that Abraham himself was somewhat provoked against her, which must of necessity be an intolerable matter, and painful to a free hearted and chaste woman. Let not therefore the woman be too busy to call for the duty of her husband, where she should be ready to perform her own, for that is not worthy any great commendations. And even so again, let not the man only consider what belongs to the woman and to stand too earnestly gazing thereon, for that is not his part or duty. But as I have said, let either party be ready and willing to perform that which belongs especially to themselves. For if we are bound to hold out our left cheek to strangers which will smite us on the right cheek, how much more ought we to suffer an extreme and unkind husband? But yet I mean not that a man should beat his wife, God forbid that, for that is the greatest shame that can be, not so much to her that is beaten as to him that does the deed. But if by such fortune you have such a husband, take it not too heavily. But suppose you, that thereby is laid up no small reward hereafter, and in this life time no small commendation to you, if you can be quiet. But yet to you that are men, thus I speak, "Let there be none so grievous fault to compel you to beat your wives." But what say I, your wives? No, it is not to be tolerated, that an honest man should lay hands on his maid servant to beat her. Wherefore if it is a great shame for a man to beat his bondservant, much more rebuke it is to lay violent hands upon his freewoman. And this thing may be well understood by the laws which the pagans have made, which discharges her any longer to dwell with such a husband, as unworthy to have any further company with her that strike her. For it is an extreme point, thus so vilely to entreat her like a slave, that is fellow to you of your life, and so joined unto you before time in the necessary matters of your living. And therefore a man may well resemble such a man (if he may be called a man, rather than a wild beast) to a killer of his father or his mother. And whereas we are commanded to forsake our father and mother for our wives' sake, and yet thereby do no injury to them, but do fulfill the Law of God, how can it not appear then to be a point of extreme madness to entreat her despitefully, for whose sake God has commanded you to leave parents? Yes, who can suffer such despite? Who can worthily express the inconvenience that is, to see what weeping and wailing is made in the open streets when neighbors run together to the house of so unruly a husband, as to an insane man, who goes about to overturn all that he has at home? Who would not think that it were better for such a man to wish the ground to open and swallow him in, than once ever after to be seen in the market? But perhaps you will object that the woman provokes you to this point. But consider again that the woman is a frail vessel, and you are therefore made the ruler and head over her, to bear the weakness of her in this her subjection. And therefore study you to declare the honest commendation of your authority, which you can no way better do than to forbear to urge her in her weakness and subjection. For even as the ruler appears so much the more noble, the more excellent and noble he makes his officers and lieutenants, whom if he should dishonor, and despise the authority of their dignity, he should deprive himself of a great part of his own honor. Even so, if you do despise her that is set in the next room beside you, you detract and decay the excellence and virtue of your own authority. Recount all these things in your mind and be gentle and patient. Understand that God has given you children with her and are made a father, and by such reason appease your self. Do you not see the diligence farmers use to till that ground which once they have taken to farm, though it is never so full of faults? As for an example, though it is dry, though it brings forth weeds, though the soil cannot bear too much wet, yet he tills it, and so wins fruit from it. Even in like manner, if you would use similar diligence to instruct and order the mind of your spouse, if you would diligently apply yourself to weed out little by little the offensive weeds of uncomely manners out of her mind with wholesome precepts, it could not be but in time you should feel the pleasant fruit thereof to both your comforts. Therefore that this does not happen this way, perform this thing that I counsel you. Whenever any unpleasant matter rises at home, if your wife has done anything whatever amiss, comfort her, and increase not the enraged feeling. For though you should not be grieved with so many things, yet shall you find nothing more grievous than to want the benevolence of your wife at home. Whatever offence you can name, yet you shall find none more intolerable than to argue with your wife. And for this cause most of all you ought to have this love in reverence. And if reason moves you to bear any burden at any other men's hands, much more at your wives'. For if she is poor, upbraid her not. If she is simple, taunt her not; but be more courteous, for she is your body, and made one flesh with you. But you perhaps will say that she is a wrathful woman, a drunkard, and beastly, without wit and reason. For this cause bewail her the more. Chafe not in anger, but pray unto Almighty God. Let her be admonished and helped with good counsel, and do your best endeavor, that she may be delivered of all these affections. But if you should beat her, you shall increase her evil affections, for obstinance and sharpness is not amended with obstinance, but with softness and gentleness. Furthermore, consider what reward you shall have at God's hand. For where you might beat her, and yet for the respect of the fear of God, you will abstain and bear patiently her great offences, rather in respect of that law which forbids that a man should cast out his wife, whatever fault she is encumbered with, you shall have a very great reward, and before the receipt of that reward you shall feel many advantages. For by this means she shall be more obedient, and you for her sake shall be made more meek. It is written in a story of a certain strange philosopher which had a cursed wife, obstinate and a drunkard. When he was asked for what consideration he bore her evil manners? He made answer, "By this means" (he said) "I have at home a schoolmaster, and an example how I should behave my self abroad. For I shall" (he said) "be more quiet with others, being thus daily exercised and taught by forbearing her." Surely it is a shame that pagans should be wiser than we, we I say, that be commanded to resemble angels, or rather God himself through meekness. And for the love of virtue, the philosopher Socrates would not expel his wife out of his house. Yes, some say that he did therefore marry his wife, to learn this virtue by that occasion. Wherefore, seeing many men are far behind the wisdom of this man, my counsel is that first and before all things, a man do his best endeavor to get a good wife, endued with all honesty and virtue. But if it occurs that he is deceived, that he has chosen such a wife as is neither good nor tolerable, then let the husband follow this philosopher, and let him instruct his wife in every condition, and never lay these matters to sight. For the merchant man, except he first be in agreement with his agent to use his business connections peacefully, he will neither cause his ship to sail, nor yet will lay hands upon his merchandise. Even so, let us do all things, that we may have the fellowship of our wives, which is the agent of all our doings at home, in great quiet and rest. And by these means all things shall prosper quietly, and so shall we pass through the dangers of the troubled sea of this world. For this state of life will be more honorable and comfortable than our houses, than servants, than money, than lands and possessions, than all things that can be told. As all these with sedition and discord, can never bring us any comfort, so shall all things turn to our advantage and pleasure, if we draw this yoke in one harmony of heart and mind. Whereupon make your best effort, that after this example you use your matrimony, and so shall you be armed on every side. You have escaped the snares of the devil and the unlawful lusts of the flesh. You have the quietness of conscience by this institution of matrimony ordained by God. Therefore frequently pray to him, that he would be present by you, that he would continue harmony and charity between you. Do the best you can on your part. Let softness and meekness be your custom, and endure honorably such oversights as without design, and thus shall your conversation be most pleasant and comfortable. And although (which can not be otherwise) some adversities shall follow, and occasionally one problem and another shall appear, yet in this common trouble and adversity, lift up both your hands to heaven, call upon the help and assistance of God, the author of your marriage, and surely the promise of relief is at hand. For Christ affirms in his Gospel, "Where two or three be gathered together in my name, and are agreed, whatsoever matter they pray for, it shall be granted them by my heavenly father." Why therefore should you be afraid of the danger, where you have so ready a promise, and help so near? Furthermore, you must understand how necessary it is for Christian folk to bear Christ's cross, for else we shall never feel how comfortable God's help is to us. Therefore give thanks to God for his great benefit, in that you have taken upon yourself this state of wedlock, and pray instantly that Almighty God may luckily defend and maintain you therein, that you neither are overcome with any temptations, nor with any adversity. But before all things, take precaution that you give no occasion to the devil to retard and hinder your prayers by discord and dissension, for there is no stronger defense and support in all our life than is prayer, in which we may call for the help of God and obtain it, whereby we may win his blessing, his grace, his defense, and protection, so to continue therein to a better life to come. Which grant us, he that died for us all, to whom be all honor and praise, for ever and ever. Amen.

*Editing goals: Clear the text from obsolete words and phrases and from references local to England, its constitution, and laws.