Liberty, three days later, had decided to play up the angle the magazine had provided her with; this consisted of clinging to Dom at the premieres all the while giggling madly at Billy, Elijah, Orlando, Sean and Viggo which both amused and confused them all. At the sixth premiere, in New York, Dom finally decided he’d have to do something; it wasn’t that he cared what people thought of them, it was just that he wasn’t too keen on Liberty becoming the Scarlet Woman everyone assumed she was.

“And, who is this young lady?” A random reporter asked, giving Dom the opportunity he’d been waiting for.

“Oh,” Dom looked falsely surprised. “This is my sister. Roberta.” Liberty threw a cursory glance at him, clearly perplexed. Dom continued as if he hadn’t seen, “It’s rather funny because over in the UK, all those trash magazines have been calling her my finace/girlfriend/barracuda. It’s completely false, of course. We’re nothing but siblings and she has my blessing to go after all of the Fellowship members. Except Viggo, because he’s an old coot. And Sean, because he’s happily married.”

The reporter was obviously shocked at this new information; she had naturally seen or heard of Liberty’s reputation, and by the looks of it, didn’t quite know how to respond. “It’s nice to meet you, Roberta.” She stuck her unmicrophoned hand out to Liberty, who blinked.

“Oh---um…yes, you too. Thanks.”

Dom bowed regally and swept Liberty to the next press station, laughing quietly. “What was that about?” She asked, when she was sure they wouldn’t be overheard. Sean and Christine were ahead of them, and Sean was speaking strongly about Gollum’s lust for the One Ring.

“Having a bit of fun. Just wait till you hear what I say to these next people.”

“Dom,” Liberty’s voice held a warning tone, but he kissed her quickly and then didn’t pay any more attention to her; in fact, she might as well have become invisible.

Liberty tuned out the rest of the reporters and their questions, but caught snippets of what Dom said here and there. “Her? Oh, she’s my cousin twice removed on her mother’s side. We call her Twinkee. You see, she used to be rather hefty. I’m doing my aunt a favor by taking her along with me. Do you know, some have been mistaking her for my girlfriend? It’s a laugh, really, because I would never date someone who I was related to.”

“No, no, they’ve got it all wrong. We’re not engaged. She’s just a random bird I picked up at the nearest pub.”

“HA HA HA! Of course! We’re happy. Happily in love, though sometimes we do tend to throw shoes. It’s all in good fun, really. A bit kinky, if you ask me…keeps things interesting. She’s never once gone after any of the blokes because I threatened to cut off their manly hood if they should try anything.”

“Well, there’s some truth, naturally. She’s Viggo’s illegitimate daughter from way back when. So there’s no way they were ever involved. She was once smitten with Billy, but I set her straight. The image of Bill in a kilt scared her to death, I’m afraid.”

“This lovely girl on my arm, here? Well, no, she used to be in a mental institute back in Manchester. I took her under my wing and developed a bit of a thing for her. No, they’ve got it all wrong…she never threw a shoe at me…and I’ve never cried due to it.”

“Married? HA! I’m never getting married. I’m a bachelor for life. Though, at some point I’d like to have some Little Dom’s running about.”

*

“I have no idea what you’ve said,” Liberty mused, sliding her shoes off and collapsing on the sofa of their hotel room.

“I haven’t either, actually. It was fun, though. I can’t wait to read all the headlines.” He rubbed his hands together excitedly. “We should celebrate. We’ve ruined their system.”

Liberty grinned, “What did you have in mind?”

“Inviting everyone over and getting really smashed?” Liberty laughed and nodded, prompting Dom to ‘call in the troops.’

Twenty minutes later, the entire cast of LOTR (more or less) was seated around their suite, drinking liquor from various mini-bars and from the six-packs Billy had trotted over with; he had help from Viggo, whom Billy had taken to calling ‘The Beer Wench’ which wasn’t appreciated by Viggo in the least.

“I’m providing the beer with you, but I am NOT your beer wench,” Viggo had complained.

Billy squealed, “But if you put on a little French maid’s outfit, it’ll be perfect!”

He was henceforth not allowed any of Viggo’s beer.

Billy flitted into the room a half hour after the beginning of the ’party’ looking like a waiter carrying a tray of martinis, “So, Elijah, would you care for another martini?”

Elijah nodded, smiling hugely, “MMMMMMMMMMM boy.”

“I’m rather tuckered out,” Orlando faked a yawn. “Wouldn’t it be rather keen of us to go to our room since your parents have Priya?” Orlando and Raya had just joined the circuit, having left Priya in England in the care of Claire and Richard; they would only be staying for two more days before going back home to the baby.

“And miss Elijah hitting on Billy?” Raya asked, sounding slightly put out at this ludicrous suggestion.

Orlando looked intriguingly at Billy and Elijah who were sitting on the couch together, drinking and giggling. “All too true, let's stay.”

Elijah slipped his arm around Billy after downing his eighth alcoholic beverage, “See this guy? thissss guy… 'es goddda good head on his shoulderrs.”

Liberty frowned at the scene in front of her, “Wow, this is starting to get really sad.”

Elijah continued slurring, “He's been the best guy to me. My preccccccccccciousssssssssssssssss Billy.”

Dom and Orlando erupted into such a fit of hysterical laughter that they both spilled their drinks on the carpet.

Raya stood up, “Okay Orlando, you get your wish, we're going to our room..........I'm very scared right now.”

Orlando put on a fake, gruffly American accent and turned to the other men in the room, “Look who's getting some ass!”

Dom snickered, “You sure about that?”

“I don't appreciate being treated like a slab of meat, Bloom,” Raya said, tapping her foot.

Billy punched the air with his fist, slopping his beer all over Elijah’s head, “Hold your own Bloom!” Liv hastened to hand Elijah a handful of tissues, which didn’t help that much.

Raya sat back down, crossing her arms across her chest after pushing the tray of martinis across the table to Elijah, “Have another martini Elijah.”

Elijah took it and smiled drunkenly at her, “How YOU doing?”

“I'm doing quite well thank you,” Raya replied seriously. Elijah winked.

“Watch it, Elijah,” Orlando warned, slugging down his drink and taking his seat beside his wife. Elijah winked again.

“Oh stop it, I can squish you,” Raya replied, daintily sipping her Cosmopolitan. Elijah winked once more, this time it was at Orlando.

“Don't wink at me, you tosser!” Orlando bellowed, looking scared.

“Squish him! SQUISH HIM!” Billy chanted, waving his drink around in the air.

Dom rolled his eyes, “He wasn’t really winking at you, OB. Even Elijah’s not that womanly. Despite the womanly screams he emits in the movies.”

“I don’t scream like a woman,” Elijah retorted, setting his glass sloppily on the table in front of him.

“In the Mines of Moria you do,” Billy argued, hiccupping. “When you scream, ‘Aragoooooooooooooorn!’ or whatever it is.”

“That’s not womanly.”

“’Lij,” Dom laughed.

“Dom.”

Dom jutted his chin out, “Fine. Prove it.”

Elijah prepared himself by clapping his hands together and sitting up straight on the couch. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Liberty laughed, “Dude. That was so girly.”

“I second that,” Billy stated. “Though I’ve never said ‘dude.’ OOOOOH! It’s fun! Try it!”

“Actually,” Dom replied. “Billy's giving you a run for your money.”

“I'm quite proud of that fireworks scene, Dom. Unlike Mr. Womanly Scream in Denial over here.” He giggled a little as he slugged down the rest of Liberty’s drink, which she had been holding loosely in her hand. She made to yell at him and grab it back, but Dom got up to get her another one.

“I am NOT in denial,” Elijah sniffed. Billy winked at him which caused Elijah to sober up quite a bit and move away from him on the couch. “Dude that's not right. Stop winking at me.”

Billy batted his eyelashes, giggling, “Oh but 'Lij, i always loved your skin.”

“And your eyes,” Dom inserted, taking his seat beside Liberty and handing her another Long Island Ice Tea. Billy nods considerably in agreement.

Elijah looked scared, “Isn't that considered statutory rape?”

“Not if it’s consensual,” Billy responded serenely, still batting his eyelashes.

“This is fun, I'll go get popcorn,” Raya said suddenly, getting up from the couch.

“And maybe a video camera,” Liberty suggested, nodding.

“Brilliant idea, love. We should use it for blackmail later on,” Dom said, casually watching the odd display in front of them.

Elijah closed his eyes, and when he spoke it was in a calmly resigned voice, “Fine. Do with me what you want. Just don‘t sing.”

Billy looked clearly amused and turned to the rest of the group. “Did you hear that? He’s allowing me to take him if I want.”

Raya sighed, “I will tell all of my grandchildren of the day that Elijah was going to let Billy Boyd...."take him".”

“I'm sure they'll enjoy that story,” Liberty said. “But I’m really freaked out by it.”

“We'll have to do it on a day that Elijah and Billy visit,” Orlando said, sounding excited.

“Or just when Elijah's there, senile, and possibly more womanly,” Raya commented, holding back laughter.

Elijah stood up, his eyes open once more, “Will you stop it with the womanly thing? Because I KNOW...I KNOOOOW you want some of this.” He followed that up with a nice pelvic thrust in the direction of the women in the room, who cringed back in horror; Liv just laughed.

“No, I do not want some of....that,” Raya said finally, after recovering from her shock. “Liberty?”

Liberty shuddered, “I'll...take a pass.”

Dom nodded approvingly, “Good girl.”

Elijah chuckled, “Oh did you just reject the Elijah?”

Billy guffawed, “Anyone would reject someone who called themselves ‘The Elijah‘.”

“Well only people named Elijah could be called ‘The Elijah‘,” Elijah replied honestly. He turned to Orlando, who had been enjoying the scene silently while laughing to himself. “Orlando, if you were gay would you reject "the Elijah"?”

Orlando didn’t answer, instead he turned to his wife, “Raya, what did you put in those martinis?”

“Probably some of Elijah’s crack,” Billy responded seriously, taking a sip from Liberty’s drink.

“I’m going to hit you if you keep drinking my drinks,” Liberty warned, half laughing.

“You're avoiding the question,” Elijah said, tapping his foot primly on the floor.

“Only because I’m scarred for life after that pelvic thrust.”

“Oh, come on, you know you want me.”

“I can honestly say I don’t,” Orlando replied.

“Fine. Dom?” Elijah asked, turning to Dom.

He looked stricken at being addressed, “Erm. What?”

“Would you reject me if you were gay?”

“You’re pissed, Elijah, don’t ask such ludicrous questions.”

“Avoiding the question,” Elijah sang, swaying his hips slightly.

“Fine. If I were gay, no, probably I wouldn’t reject you. You’re shorter than me. I like that in…people.”

Libety’s eyes widened as she watched him. Billy was slapping his knee and laughing, “Oh DUDE!” he yelled, giggling. “I would SO not reject you if I were gay!”

Elijah’s eyebrow went up, “What are you saying, Billy?”

Billy sobered, “I want you, Elijah. Let’s leave these squares and go make hot, passionate love for hours on end! In the woods!” He jumped up and took Elijah’s hand.

Elijah was screaming in protest, “EW! NO! AHHHHHHH! HELP!!!!!”

“There are no woods around this hotel. We’re in the middle of New York City.” Leave it to Sean to be the voice of reason.

Billy collapsed onto the floor in front of the door, laughing so hysterically that he couldn’t breathe. “Just kidding! AH HA HA HA HAHA! I’m so witty!”

Raya, apparently nonplused by this performance, turned to a helplessly laughing Dom. “Dominic? What did you tell the reporters about you and Liberty?”

“I just confused the bloody hell out of them,” Dom replied honestly. “I can’t remember exactly what was said.”

“Some poor woman asked me if I had any shoes left in my collection.” Raya shook her head, “Most curious, that is.”

Dom cleared his throat, “Yes, well, you know. I should hope they’ll leave us alone now.”

“Apparently you no longer go by that vow that your private life remains private,” Viggo said lightly; he had formally been silent due to the uncontrollable laughter that had been bestowed upon him.

“Not when they decide to call my girlfriend a, what was it?”

Billy got off of the floor, “Oh they called her lots of things. Which would you like me to repeat?”

“Vig!” Dom called, ignoring Billy. “Did you know that Libs is your illegitimate child?”

Viggo looked bemusedly at Liberty, who just shrugged; she was obviously as perplexed as he was. “No, but does that have to do with the good ’to smote or not to smote’ you had planned?”

“It didn’t so much turn out to be a smote, it was more confusing the hell out of them all.”

“It’s amazing how very little you make sense,” Raya commented lightly. “I want to go back and ring Mum to see how Priya is doing.”

“OH THANK GOD!” Orlando hollered, sighing heavily and running towards the door. “I’ve been worried sick about her, just waiting for your okay to check up.”

*

Billy had a theory that he explained to Liberty and Dom while they made their way to the LA premiere, which happened to be the final one they’d have to attend. Orlando and Raya had returned home to Priya because, as Raya put it, Orlando was “a mad first time father who is going to get an ulcer if he doesn’t stop worrying so much.” It was probably for their benefit, for the others knew Raya was also keen to get back to their baby.

“I think they’ve just gone home to make Prie’s predecessor.” He sighed. “And do you know, Prie sounds a lot like Brie cheese, which I’m not keen on. But I guess that’s a better nickname than Papaya. Though Raya did eat a lot of that while she was pregnant.”

“It is also like Bree. From Lord of the Rings,” Liberty said, casually opening her book and beginning to read.

“I don’t think they’ve gone home just to do that,” yawned Dom. “I’m sure they miss the baby. She is rather adorable.” He smiled off into the distance and then turned to Liberty. “Libs, I want a little Priya.”

“What, right now? Billy’s watching. We can’t perform such things in front of his virgin eyes.”

Billy cringed, “And don’t you dare go into the loos again and do it in there. That scared the bejesus out of me.”

“Plus,” Liberty continued. “I don’t want a little Priya.”

Dom looked scandalized, “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to be one of those unwed mothers. I already look fifteen as it is, I don’t need to cart a baby around on my hip, just waiting for Teen People to ask me to tell them my terribly horrific story about how I got pregnant really young and the baby’s father deserted me, leaving me on my own with the baby on the streets.”

“We could get married, then,” Dom suggested, not looking at her. Billy raised his eyebrows and sunk lower into his seat, clearly wanting to enjoy the conversation without having them realize he was listening in.

“Yes, I suppose so,” Liberty replied capriciously, flipping the page in her book.

“Would you like to?” Dom asked nonchalantly.

“Someday, sure.” She yawned. “Gosh, I’m exhausted.”

“Too tired to make a little Priya?”

“I wouldn’t name our baby that, anyway,” she said, switching her light off. “It would be confusing at parties when old aunts are cooing, ‘Ooooh Priya is so lovely!’ and we’d say, ‘Why, thank you’ but they’d mean Raya and Orly’s Priya. I don’t want to deal with such dejection.”

“I never realized until now how much you ramble,” Billy stated, grinning at her; she smiled. “Is it an avoidance technique?”

“Not so much,” she sang, settling back against her seat.

“What would we name our baby, as you called it? And you did call it that, don’t take it back now. It’s obvious you want to have babies with me, as they’d be beautiful little creatures.”

Liberty smirked, her eyes closed, “I don’t know. What do you want to call it?”

“Well, is it a strapping lad or a pretty type ballerina?”

“Erm, neither?” Liberty laughed. “I don’t know if I can produce a ballerina. Priya, on the other hand, could be a ballerina, with Raya’s figure.”

“She doesn’t have a figure yet,” Billy interjected. “She’s got baby fat, chubby little legs and arms. Cutely so, I might add. All babies are like that---”

“I just meant when she grows up,” Liberty explained.

“What color eyes do you think our babies will have?” Dom asked, sighing in contentment and snuggling closer to her.

“I couldn’t tell you. The brown gene always monopolizes the others.”

“But Orly has brown eyes and Priya ended up with blue.”

“She got luck of the draw, perhaps.”

“I hope that your babies have grayish blue eyes like Dom’s. His are so lovely,” Billy cooed seriously.

“It’s like the clouds on a sunny, rainish day.”

“You’re not so good with similes,” Liberty mused, laughing.

“I never claimed to be a poet,” Billy replied haughtily.

Dom clapped stoutly, “Names, people. We’re talking names here.”

Liberty’s eyes flew open. “You tell US what you want to name our children, Dom.”

“Yes, please do,” Billy joined in, clapping excitedly.

"Well, using the naming style that a certain elf used…” Liberty rolled her eyes and turned over to sleep, knowing full well that anything after that sentence wouldn’t be of the serious nature. “We can call him---or her---Dopey Sleepy Bashful Sneezy Grumpy Happy Doc Monaghan. Doc Mon for short. Or just Dope.”

“Like the drug?” Billy questioned. “Wouldn’t that send the wrong message to your child?”

“You two are conversing about our imaginary children,” Liberty mumbled. “At least give them real names.”

“Like Jane!” Elijah piped up from in front of them.

Liberty nodded in agreement, “I don’t want to call our child Doc Mon.”

Billy looked appalled, “Why? I rather like it. It’s got a nice ring to it.”

Elijah chortled, “You might as well call him Gollum Mon. THAT has a nice ring to it.”

“Gollum?” Dom made a face. “It’d have to be Gollum Smeagol Happy Bashful Doc Mon. We must have many names for one child. It means they’ll have a nice life.”

Elijah laughed, “If by nice you mean ‘teased horribly until the end of their miserable days’ then yes.”

“I’m just wondering where all of this ‘Mon’ came from. It‘s like man. Only mon. Like Jamaicans. Or something. Remember the bobsled movie with the Jamaican team? They were cool. But a kid named Mon would be cooler.” Billy said, his words strung closely together put together with a high pitched excited voice. “That’s so brilliant. Can’t you just call him Mon Monaghan? He’d be the envy of everrrrrryone in the world.”

»Chapter 14