With Or Without You

Chapter Nine: I Will Follow

There was a knock at Clare’s dorm door. “Come in,” she yelled, shifting her position on Michael, who’d fallen asleep during the movie. The door opened and Clay strode in.

“Michael Phelps, give it up,” he said. “She’s mine.”

Michael stirred and his eyes clouded when they opened and spotted Clay. “I’ll fight you for her,” he said, carefully moving Clare, who’d frozen in shock, and standing up.

Clay took a swing at Michael and connected. “STOP!” Clare screamed. “Stop it!”

Her scream seemed to jolt them both out of their fight, but instead they looked at her. “Clare Clare Clare Clare.”

She sat bolt upright. “Clare?”

“Stop saying my bloody name!”

Michael frowned. “What on earth are you talking about? I just said your name once. Two seconds ago.”

“Oh, that must have been a dream... Thank God.” She sighed and slumped back down to the pillow she’d been using, which was really Michael’s chest. Her eyes went wide. “He’s going to hate me.”

“Who?”

”C- Can I just tell you I never call Ian back when I’m supposed to?” she said, breathing an inward sigh of relief at her save.

Michael smiled and looked at the clock. “Oh wow. I’ve got class in twenty minutes. I’ll see you later,” he said. She shifted off him and waved as he walked out. She grabbed the pillow he’d been laying on and put it over her face, not intending to breathe in. He smelled so good.

“Aaaaahhhhhhh,” she moaned, throwing the pillow across the room.

“You know, when I passed Michael in the hall, I didn’t expect to be pelted with pillows,” Ali said, tossing the pillow back to Clare, who caught it and put it back.

“I can’t do this, Ali.”

“Do what?” Ali grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweater and started to get changed.

“How am I supposed to figure this whole thing out?”

“You could ask them straight out how they feel,” Ali suggested. The next part of what she said was muffled when she pulled her sweater over her head.

“What?”

“What you really need to do is figure out how you feel. That’s the most important thing. If Clay doesn’t like you, but you like him, you need to forget about Michael, at least as more than a friend. What you feel about them is more important than what they feel about you, and you need to get it straight.”

“You did not say all that while you were putting your sweater on.”

Ali laughed. “This is true. I said a condensed version.”

“Jeez – why couldn’t you have said the condensed version now?”

“I love to bother you. Plus I’m good at it. Listen, I don’t have class until noon, and I know you don’t. Do you want to talk about it? I was gonna go meet Aaron for breakfast, but I know he’ll understand.”

Clare stood, silent, for a couple of minutes. “Would you? I could really use the help.”

“Absolutely. Lemme just call him.” Ali picked up her phone and in less than five minutes, she was sitting cross-legged on her bed. “Ok. Tell me about Clay.”

“Well,” Clare began, shifting her position so she was lying on her stomach on the bed, facing Ali. “He’s very nice. And I love his mother.”

“I don’t want to hear about his mother, Clare. Tell me about Clay.”

“He’s cute. And so sweet. He calls me all the time and we have great conversations. But I only just met him.”

“Well, ok. Tell me about Michael, and then we’ll come back to Clay.”

“Michael. Michael’s sweet, and he’s cute. He helps me all the time with anything I need; he goes out of his way to do things for me. I feel....comfortable with Michael.”

“You kissed him.”

Clare nodded. “I did.”

“And?”

“Ali, I told you about that.”

“Tell me again, now that you’ve had a chance to reflect on it.”

“I loved it.”

“There you have it.”

“What?”

“You loved kissing Michael, and I know you could go on for hours about how wonderful he is. You had a limited amount of things about Clay. That’s it, Clare. I know you’ve loved Clay from afar for...well, forever, but it’s different now that you know him. And you know Michael. I’ve told you before that he likes you.”

“I don’t know how you know these things, but I’ve never seen anything that tells me that.”

“I have. He watches you all the time when he thinks you’re not looking. He watches you with an expression I’ve never seen before on anyone. Except maybe Aaron. When he looks at me.” A dreamy smile appeared on Ali’s face, and Clare laughed, throwing a stuffed animal at her best friend.

“We’re talking about me here, and my problems. Not your boyfriend.”

“Right. Sorry. Michael likes you. A lot. It’s highly possible he loves you, even. And Clay...well, I’ve never seen you with Clay, but I don’t think it’s quite the same. Especially if you can’t go on and on about him and you don’t get that dreamy look in your eye or turn red like you do around and when you talk about Michael.”

Clare covered her cheeks with her hands. “I do not.”

“You do,” Ali said. “It’s interesting how you don’t even know yourself until someone else points it out, isn’t it?”

“I have to call Clay,” Clare said.

“Yes. Call him. Ask him what he thinks of you; how he feels about you. And then tell me if I’m right.”

Clare gave Ali a wary look and picked up her cell phone. She dialed Clay’s number.

“Hey,” he said when he picked up.

“Hey. Sorry I didn’t call you last night. I was watching a movie and I feel asleep.”

“That’s ok. I just wanted to say hi last night anyway.”

“Oh. Well. Hi.”

“Hi,” he said, a smile in his voice.

“Clay, I have to ask you a question. And I need to you be completely honest with me. Because it’s very very important.”

“Absolutely, I’ll be as honest as I can.”

“Do you like me?”

“Of course I like you.”

“No, I mean, do you like me. Would you want to date me?”

“Date you?” Clay’s voice rose in pitch. “I...I–”

“You don’t, do you?”

“Clare, I think you’re awesome, and I think you’re a wonderful girl, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings....but no. I’m sorry. I know you said you loved me or something, and that you have for a long time. I really don’t want to hurt you at all, Clare. But I kind of think dating you would be like dating my sister. Especially since you spend more time with my mother than I do.”

“I see,” she said softly.

“I’m so sorry. I really didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Clay, it’s ok. You actually didn’t hurt me at all, and in fact made my life a lot easier.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I have to go, Clay, but I’ll talk to you later?”

“I’m very confused, but ok?” he said.

Clare laughed. “Maybe I’ll tell you about it later. Bye,” she said, hanging up the phone and glancing at Ali, who was lying on her bed, hands behind her head, and a smirk on her face.

“I am always right,” Ali said.

“You are this time.”