Warning: This story is the result of too many viewings of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Beware of that movie, it is addicting. Especially if you love hobbits. Also, this is written like a play because it’s easier that way. I know there are others like this out there, but I don’t really care. I just hope no one else has this title.

Disclaimer: Poking fun at the actors of The Fellowship is hilarious. But I mean no harm because I love them all dearly. Well, maybe not Gimli…or Boromir…or the white wizard dude with the big hairy eyebrows…or the orcs…or any of the other evil beings but the rest are alright. And, seriously, I DO NOT own ANYBODY. Unfortunately. Please do not sue me. I used a lot of the lines from the movie, but…this story wouldn’t work without them. Again, I own NOTHING. J.R.R Tolkien does.

Summary: Sauron, the very great and powerful evil guy, goes onto the set of The Fellowship of the Ring and gives the actors a choice. Die or go on an ACTUAL quest, mission…thing. As none of them want to die (all of their careers are really blossoming) they agree to this mission.

The Fellowship of the Hot Hobbits

Remember that Sauron is very great and very evilly powerful. But not even HE can walk onto the LOTR set without problems. Which is why he is dressed down. Instead of his normal black billowing robe, he is wearing a long blond wig as well as ‘elf clothes’ and has a bow and arrow strapped to his back. He is walking…I’m sorry, strutting, like a true elf, also.

Security Guard: Name?

Sauron: My name is Lord Sauron…I mean, Orlando Flowers Blooming or something. (Thinks) Orlando Bloom, yeah…I‘m so tired I sometimes forget my name. (Fake yawn)

Security Guard: (skeptically) Er---okay. (writes something on clipboard and looks back up.) Elijah must have checked you in already because it says you’re already here. You must be late.

Sauron: Can’t be helped, look at this hair! It’s murder in the shower. I have to extra condition it and all that.

Security Guard: Yeah. Alright.

Sauron struts past him and immediately wishes he was wearing a less obvious costume. People bustled all over the place, but all were clad in jeans and t-shirts. Not elf wear as he had thought for. Shrugging, he walks through the throngs of people to the first building thing he sees. It is a very large trailer with a sign saying ‘Makeup’ on the door. He knocks expectantly…getting very anxious to put his evil plan into action.

Whoever is inside, yells come in and Sauron does so. He is greeted by many appliances and other inanimate objects that he (being from Middle Earth) has never seen before. After being entranced by such splendor for a few minutes, he refocuses and calls out.

Sauron: Hello?

Elijah Wood pokes his head out of a room down the hall, his blue eyes bulge in either horror or surprise, it could go either way. He is wearing a tight fitting black t-shirt with some logo on it Sauron has never seen (Red Hot Chili Peppers) and faded jeans.

Elijah: Hey. Who are you?

Sauron: (puffs out chest) Hello Frodo! I am Legolas! Elf person! Otherwise known as Orlando Bloom!

Elijah looks back into the room he was just in. The room is quite lit up. Sauron is a little bit blinded by all the lights. There are at least two vanity tables back there.

Elijah: (raising a quizzical eyebrow) Orlando?

Orlando Bloom clad in the same clothing as Elijah (only, obviously a larger size seeing as how he is taller) pokes his head out of the room and starts to laugh. His t-shirt, Sauron notes, has a different logo than Elijah’s. It says something that Sauron cannot figure out. (Cuckoo for Coco Puffs). Orlando’s long blond elf hair is in a bun at the top of his head.

Orlando: You must be a fan. Here, give me a pen, Elijah.

Elijah: (doubtfully) Orlando, he…um…has sort of a black face doesn’t he?

Orlando: That’s really not polite.

Elijah: (nodding) Well, yes, I know. But…he has really red eyes. I’ve never seen such a person before…(turns towards Orlando who is scribbling something on scrap of paper) when I saw Harry Potter…that dude…Voldemort, he had really red eyes too. (looks at Sauron) Are you Voldemort?

Sauron: (chuckles appreciatively) Course not, dear boy. I am Sauron. That’s Lord Sauron to you.

Orlando: (thrusting piece of paper at Sauron) Isn’t that the evil bloke from Lord of the Rings?

Sauron: (smiling evilly) Yes.

Orlando and Elijah exchange confused glances, both looking very hot. (Not temperature wise, good looking) They look back at Sauron.

Sauron: If you will, please come with me. We are going to round up the rest of the Fellowship…I have a proposal for you.

Orlando steps forward, but Elijah puts out a hand to stop him.

Elijah: Whoa, whoa. Dude! Are you insane? Sauron doesn’t exist. It’s in a book. He is a literary character.

Sauron: I suggest, Frodo Baggins, that you don’t mess with me.

Orlando: Dude, I think he’s serious.

Elijah: Hmmmm. (shakes head and sighs) Alright whatever. But if Peter finds out we’re missing the next shot, he’s gonna kick our asses.

Sauron: (muttering) Peter who… (regular voice) Fair enough. Follow me.

Sauron, with Orlando and Elijah tagging along behind him, goes into the next trailer. This one is a lot larger but more packed. Clothes hang all over the place on racks. But there are two people sitting in chairs, waiting and reading magazines.

Billy: (waving hand and not looking up from his magazine) We know, we’re coming. The costume designer had to take our stuff to the cleaners apparently…so we have to wait. Tell Peter not to have a coronary.

Sauron: (under breath) Ah, yes. Peregrin Took and Meridoc Brandybuck.

Billy looks up and begins to laugh at Sauron in his getup. Dom, too, looks up and joins in the laughing. Their curly hobbit hair is bobbing all over the place. It had just been fluffed up while they were in the hair trailer.

Dom: Is this the kid from the Make-A-Wish foundation? (gets up and moves towards Sauron) How old are you?

Sauron: I think I lost count when I hit 2,000...um…Merry.

Dom: (raising an eyebrow) Okay. (to Orlando and Elijah) Does he need some medication? Or should I just sign the paper and run? (Billy laughs)

Elijah: (clears throat and looks uneasily at Sauron) Dude, this is Lord Sauron…from, you know, Middle Earth.

Dom and Billy stare.

Orlando: We’re supposed to do as he says. (lowers voice) He has a proposal for us.

Dom: More money?

Billy: Doubtful. (shakes head, then eyes light up) Mushrooms?

Sauron: (Rolling eyes) Just follow me. We have to go collect (looks down at list that has suddenly appeared in his hands) Strider and Boromir. They would be----?

Billy: Hair most likely.

Dom: Yeah, it takes forever for it to get all greased up.

Sauron doesn’t really understand this, but being from a place (or time) when there was no such thing as hair gel, he wouldn’t understand most things the Fellowship talked about. Not that all they did was talk about hair. But, I mean, look at all the hair they’ve got. Together, that’s enough hair to cover the whole state of Rhode Island at least. But, really, you gotta love the hair.

Sauron leads Orlando, Elijah, Dom and Billy out of the trailer and into the next one which is marked: Hobbit Feet. Sauron doesn’t seem to notice this and goes inside anyway.

Elijah: This is the Hobbit feet trailer.

Dom: Oh shit, I was supposed to come here BEFORE wardrobe.

Billy: (shrugging) At least that puts it off. It feels…and looks…like we’re walking with flip-flops.

Elijah and Dom nod knowingly.

Sauron: (looking around, spots Sean Astin in the corner) You are not Boromir. You are Samwise Gamgee. On your feet, Samwise.

Sean gets up reluctantly because his feet are still drying. He looks at Elijah, Dom, Billy and Orlando who are chuckling at some unknown joke.

Sean: Um…who are you?

Sauron: (as if it’s obvious) Lord Sauron, Young Sam. Now, come with us. We are off to find the---

Orlando: Wizard!

Billy, Dom, Elijah and Orlando all erupt in gales of laughter. Sauron rolls his eyes, wondering if perhaps they drank their lunch earlier.

Sauron: Be quite, Legolas. You are the strong and silent elf. (to Sam) We are off to find Boromir and Aragon…the humans. Come along, Samwise.

Sean: It’s Sean, by the way. Sean Astin. Not Sam. I was in Rudy…and The Goonies.

Sauron: (impatiently) What?

Billy: Dude, no one has ever seen your movies.

Elijah: I saw The Goonies.

Sean sighs and walks towards them, his hobbit feet flopping as he does so. Orlando fills Sean in as they all make their way out of the trailer and into the next one marked ‘Hair’.

Sean Bean and Viggo are sitting in high chairs getting lots of gel put in their hair. Sean looks up as they walk in but Viggo’s eyes remain in his book.

Sauron: (looks pleased) Splendid. Now, Boromir and Aragorn, please follow me. We have two more fellowship members to collect.

SeanB: Huh?

Viggo: (looking up) What?

Elijah: He’s a hamburger short of a happy meal so I suggest you follow us. We don’t need any blood shed or anything.

Viggo and SeanB reluctantly join their fellows and follow as they enter one last trailer which is marked “Dwarf”. Sitting there is Gimli in full uniform. If there is an actor under there, no one would be able to tell. And in any case I don’t know his real name.

Gimli: Howdy.

Orlando: (perplexed) Hi. Come with us.

Sauron: Where can we all have a secret meeting and still keep it secret? Much like an Even council meeting…

SeanA: Where’s Ian?

Sauron: Who?

Dom: Gandalf.

Sauron: Oh right. Gandalf the Grey. Who falls into shadow. Yes. (Snaps fingers) Where would he be?

Everyone shrugs.

SeanB: In his trailer probably. He’s usually the first one ready.

Sauron leads everyone out of that trailer and to the back of the lot where numerous cast member trailers sit. The first one is marked Elijah and he insists he go inside and retrieve his cell phone before embarking on any quest. When Elijah mentions his cell phone, the other members of the fellowship (save Gimli) all go to their respective trailers and get their phones too. Finally, a good ten minutes later, they arrive at the trailer marked “Ian McKellen.”

Once Elijah and Dom explain everything to him, the follows them all back to Elijah’s trailer which is the only trailer with a working lock. It is also one of the bigger ones.

Dom: You’re a hobbit. How come you need a huge trailer?

Elijah: I’m not a hobbit in real life, Dom.

Dom: Du’h, Lijah. I’m not either.

Elijah: Well, then quit complaining.

Saruon: Stop fighting children. And stop saying you aren’t hobbits. (Rolls eyes) You’re being ridiculous.

Everyone takes a seat around the trailer.

Orlando: Could you take that get-up off? It’s creeping me out.

Sauron snaps his fingers and is suddenly wearing a black cloak. His red eyes, as Elijah points out, are even more well defined now and they give ‘chill bumps’ to more than one of the hobbits.

Sauron: I am here today for one reason and one reason only. (evil laugh) I have found you! You tried hard to hide from me, Fellowship, but I have won out in the end. And therefore, am here to offer you something.

Billy is silently praying it’s mushrooms because suddenly he’s very hungry.

Sauron: Here it is. You either DIE or go on the quest to destroy the One Ring.

Ian: But why destroy it? It’s the One Ring. You’re not supposed to WANT to destroy it.

Sauron: Yes, I know, Gandalf. But the thing is. The taxes on that ring are atrocious! I mean, geez. I can’t afford to have it anymore. It IS solid gold, you know, and inscribed with Elivish. It’s worth a lot, but it’s not worth all the hassle. And yes, I would like to be evil and powerful forever but at some point I’d like to settle down and have some little dark lords of my own. But the thing is, if it is STOLEN from me and then destroyed I get a nice hefty insurance payback. So I was thinking about enlisting all of you to take it to Mount Doom and destroy it for me. Then I get lots of money and you get to keep your lives. The catch is that I, of course, have to put obstacles in your way in the form of really ugly orcs and some mean looking Wraiths…but you won’t get seriously injured. They will have to fight you and all that, but if they kill you they’ll get fired…so…nothing to worry about there. Also, Saruman has suggested that HE become the bad guy in this quest because I’m so busy. A Dark and Evil Lord has a lot to do, you know. But he can’t kill you either…

Elijah: Whoa, man. Okay. Hold up, there. What on Earth are you talking about?

Sauron: Middle Earth, Frodo and you know very well of what I’m speaking.

SeanB: I’m lost.

Orlando: (puts hand up) Same here.

Sauron: Well, you do get a choice. Either die or do it. (Shrugs) Your decision.

Elijah: My career is going really well right now. Once we’ve finished with this, I’ve got three more movies lined up…so I’m in. I’ll be part of this quest thing.

Orlando: I don’t really fancy this kind of journey but it WOULD be better than dying. Especially because I’ve got so many websites out there dedicated to me. (fluffs hair) I am too hot to die, also. So I’m in too. (Serious tone) You have my bow.

Sauron: Wonderful…a hobbit and an elf. Now, then. The rest of you…

SeanA: I’ll go too.

Dom: Yeah. Alright. Me too.

Billy: (shrugs) Will there be free food?

Sauron: As much as you can carry.

Billy: Cool.

Sauron: (to Viggo, SeanB, Ian and Gimli) Surely you won’t let the hobbits and elf go by themselves?

Viggo: I got nothing better to do. What the hell. (Shrugs and nods)

SeanB: (shakes head) I die in the movie. Am I going to die here?

Sauron: Well…

SeanB: As long as it’s not with three arrows. It’s gotta be four or five. Three couldn’t possibly kill me.

Sauron: Sure…okay.

SeanB: I’m in.

Gimli: Why not. Yes.

Ian: (still looking skeptical.) I don’t know…

Sauron: (sing song voice) You’ll get a staff.

Ian: (nods) Okay.

Sauron claps hands together very happily. The Fellowship all exchange looks wondering what the heck they’ve gotten themselves into.

Sauron: There is another catch…you have to refer to yourselves as your actual names. None of this (makes face) Elijah crap. Got it? And Orlando…please! You’re Legolas. Deal with it. Dom and Billy (disgusted) you are Merry and Pippin…and Gimli…you’re all set. Um…Boromir, you’re not Sean Coffee Bean anymore. Viggo, what kind of name is THAT? Aragorn fits you better anyway. So use it. Or Strider. Goonie-Kid, you’re Samwise, got it?

The Fellowship all nod while giving Sauron odd looks. Some of them contain various degrees of loathing on their faces.

Sauron: I’ve also hired a narrator who will help you on your way and also start us off. So…oh yeah. I have to give you everything.

Sauron hands Elijah a golden ring (THE ring), Orlando gets an automatically restocking arrow holder (complete with arrows), Gimli gets a couple axes, SeanA, Dom and Billy get swords (and lots of food for the long journey) Viggo gets a vast array of fighting instruments, Ian McKellen gets a pointed wizards hat and a staff. SeanB gets a horn and a sword.

Elijah…I mean Frodo: This ring is heavy.

Sauron: (nods knowingly) I know. (claps hands) Okay…you’re off!

---------

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Almost as if on cue, the Fellowship were whisked away from their comfortable set in New Zealand which looked a lot like LA, but no matter. It only looked like LA in the last chapter because the author forgot they filmed in New Zealand. The nine actors were plopped down in the middle of a grassy field, out in the middle of nowhere.

Frodo: We are so not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy.

Legolas: I’m Orlando…

Sauron: (voice over) LEGOLAS, dimwit!

Legolas: (looking put out at sky. Turns to Frodo) I’m Legolas, remember?

Frodo: I was just saying anyway. Making a witty observation.

Sauron: (voice over) Read the script, Samwise!

Sam: Er…are you alright, Mr. Frodo?

Boromir: (muttering) And you call yourself an actor.

Sam: Shut up, Sean.

Boromir: No, YOU shut up, Sean.

Strider: Just read the damn script or we’ll never get out of here. (mutters) Stupid catches of stupid quests. (mimicking Sauron) You have to be the character, you have to read from the script. Blah blah blah.

Merry: (clears throat while looking down at script in hand) Where are WE? (emphasis on the ‘we’)

Pippin: Where ARE we, would have worked better.

Merry: Thanks, Billy…I mean Pip. (Clears throat again) Where ARE we?

Frodo: I think we’re in New Zealand.

Gimli: Doesn’t seem it, halfling.

Frodo: (to Gimli) You know, I REALLY hate that nickname. I mean, I KNOW I’m short. I don’t need to be reminded. (Sighs)

Gimli: That was just my line, Elijah.

Frodo: (glances at script) Oh. Sorry.

Pippin: (Happily) Where are we?

Narrator: (ominous, British female voice) You are in Middle Earth.

The entire Fellowship look upward in confusion.

Frodo: No way.

Narrator: Yes way. I am your narrator. In the movie the narrator is actually Cate Blanchett, and I am not her…but I am talking like her on purpose.

Frodo: Cool.

Narrator: Shall we begin?

Legolas: Totally.

Gandalf: Who’ll yell ‘action?’

Narrator: Um…Frodo.

Sam: Why Frodo?

Narrator: Because he’s cute.

Frodo: (smiling at Sam in a ‘haha’ sort of way) ACTION!

Narrator: I amar prestar aen. The world is changed.

han mathon ne nen. I feel it in the waters.

han mathon ne chae. I feel it in the earth.

a han noston ned gwilith. I smell it in the air.

Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it.

Frodo: That was wonderful Elvish.

Narrator: Thank you. (clears throat to regain ominous British female voice) It began with the forging of the great rings. 3 rings were given to the elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.

Sam: How true.

Narrator: 7 to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.

Gimli: (punches air with fist) YES!

Narrator: And 9. 9 rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire power.

Strider: (whispering) That’s really true.

Narrator: For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived.

Collective gasp from the Fellowship, mostly Merry, Pippin and Legolas.

Narrator: For another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the dark lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring to control all others. And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. …One ring to rule them all.

Voice over is interrupted by evil, menacing laugh from Lord Sauron. Frodo holds the One Ring in the palm of his hand because that’s what the script says to do. He looks down at it like it is some sort of amazingly powerful thing…which it is.

Narrator: One by one, free lands in Middle Earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor. And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-earth.

Aragon and Boromir are grinning proudly.

Legolas: (reading from script) Elrond was there.

Narrator: Victory was near. But the power of the ring could not be undone. When it looked like all hope was gone, Isildur, son of the king, took up his father’s sword. Sauron, the enemy of the free people of Middle-earth, was defeated.

Merry: (rolling eyes) Right.

Pippin: That must be true since we JUST SAW HIM.

Narrator: The ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted, and the ring of power has a will of its own.

Aragon swallows very hard, sweat glistening his forehead.

Narrator: It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend; legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years the ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.

Frodo: Gollum.

Sam: Have you actually read the book?

Frodo: (indignant) Of course I have. Haven’t you?

Sam: (ashamed) No. It’s really wordy.

Narrator: The ring brought to the creature Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave it waited. Darkness crept back in the forest of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the east, whispers of a nameless fear. And the ring of power perceived it's time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But something happened then, that the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.

Frodo smiles proudly even though he’s not sure why. He tells himself it must be in the script.

Narrator: For the time would soon come when hobbits would shape the fortunes of all.

By now all of the Fellowship are on their feet, scripts in hand. On the way to Middle Earth, the Hobbit actors had actually shrunk to the size of actual hobbits.

Frodo: (hitching up trousers) Geez. The least he could have done was give us some clothes that fit. Or warn us that we were going to become 3 feet tall. (looks at feet and sighs) AH. Dude. Hobbit feet.

Pippin: (jovially) Hobbit feet are cool.

Merry: (scowling) Yeah.

Narrator: (no longer British and ominous) You look hot, so quit complaining.

The four hobbits stare at each other curiously. After a few seconds, they all shrug and turn their attentions to the taller members of the group.

Legolas: (fixing bow and arrow on back) Well, I’m all right. I am apparently tall enough to be an elf. And look! My hair is all set too…it got braided on the way here. (smiling) Cool.

Narrator: Yeah, you look hot too.

Legolas: (grinning) Thanks.

Strider: (putting sword on belt) Yes, well, we should be off. Where do we start in the script?

Boromir: The beginning most likely.

Gandalf: Yes, just follow the script. It’s a bit chopped up seeing as how we are all together already, but nonetheless…

All of the actors suddenly become very professional…they are all standing tall and ready, scripts in hand.

Narrator: Action. (The fellowship are transported to Hobbiton, at Bag End.)

Gandalf: (looking like a madman) Is it secret? Is it safe?

Frodo gives Gandalf the ring which Gandalf throws into the roaring fire. After a moment, he takes it out with tongs.

Gandalf: Hold our your hand, Frodo. It’s quite cool.

The ring drops to Frodo’s palm, his palm falling slightly as if the ring weighs more than it actually does.

Pippin: (whispering to Merry) That’s good acting.

Merry nods in agreement. Boromir, Sam, Strider, Merry, Pippin and Gimli are all in the shadows watching the scene. They are the audience, so to speak.

Gandalf: (frantic) What can you see? Can you see anything?

Merry: No, it’s too dark to see anything.

Frodo: No, there’s nothing. (pause for effect) Wait, there are markings. It’s some form of Elvish. I can’t read it.

Gandalf: (quietly) There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor. Which I will not utter here.

Frodo: (horrified) Mordor?! (glances at Pippin and Merry who are laughing at his horrified-ness)

Gandalf: In the common tongue, it says 'One Ring to Rule them all, One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.' This is the one ring, forged by the Dark Lord, Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself.

Frodo: (suddenly understanding) Bilbo found it. In Gollum's cave.

Gandalf: Yes. For 60 years the ring lay quiet, in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age. But no longer, Frodo. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The ring has awoken. It's heard its master's call.

Frodo: Damn. (shakes head) But he was destroyed. Sauron was destroyed.

Gandalf: (whispers) No, Frodo. The spirit of Sauron endured. His life force is bound to the ring, and the ring survived. Sauron has returned. His orcs have multiplied, his fortress of Barad-dur is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron needs only this ring to cover all the lands in a second darkness. He is seeking it. Seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. The ring yearns above all else to return to the hand of its master. They are one. The ring, and the Dark Lord. Frodo, He must never find it.

Frodo: (Takes the envelope containing the ring, and walks into the next room, as though seeking for a place to hide it. The seven crane their necks to see) Damn it, Gandalf. Alright. We put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here do they. Do they, Gandalf? (Turns around to face Gandalf)

Gandalf: There is one other that knew that Bilbo had the ring. I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tortured him for. But amidst the endless screams and insane babble, they discerned two words. Shire. Baggins.

Frodo: (scared to death and wide eyed) But that would lead them here!

Pippin: (pumping arm in the air a la ‘Superstar!’) Super sleuth!

Merry elbows him, Frodo scowls. Everyone else chuckles.

Frodo: (regaining scared look) Take it Gandalf! Take it! (Frodo holds out the ring to Gandalf). You must take it!

Gandalf: No Frodo. You cannot offer me this ring.

Frodo: (frantic) I'm giving it to you! (Frodo nearly throws the ring to the ground but realizes that is not in the script)

Gandalf: DON'T ... tempt me, Frodo!

Frodo lowers his hand, still looking positively scared out of his mind. Pippin’s face mirrors his and Merry is biting his nails. Sam is shaking out of horror and Legolas is running his hands through his hair. Strider and Boromir are comparing sword sizes.

Strider: I swear mine is bigger.

Boromir: Yeah, well, at least I get a horn.

Strider: Yeah, stick it up your---

Gimli: SHHHHHHHHH.

Gandalf: I dare not take it. (whispers) Not even to keep it safe. Understand, Frodo, I would use this ring from a desire to do good. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.

Frodo: (checks script, humming to himself) But it cannot stay in the Shire!

Gandalf: NO. (softens) No it can't.

Frodo: (Closes his hand over the ring) What must I do?

Merry: (excited) I LOVE that line and he says it so well too.

Gandalf: You must leave. And leave quickly.

Frodo: Where? Where do I go?

Gandalf: Get out of the Shire. Make for the village of Bree.

Pippin: (to Merry, shaking w/ excitement) Almost our turn!!

Frodo: (quietly) Bree... What about you?

Gandalf: I'll be waiting for you, at the inn of the Prancing Pony.

Frodo: And the ring will be safe there?

Merry and Pippin both snort and Legolas mutters something like: “Right.” Gimli, Boromir and Strider all give them stern looks.

Gandalf: I don't know, Frodo. I don't have any answers. I must see the head of my order. He is both wise, and powerful.

Pippin: HA!

Gandalf: (giving Pippin an angry look) Trust me, Frodo. He'll know what to do. You'll have to leave the name of Baggins behind you, for that name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day, and stay off the road.

Frodo: I can cut across country easily enough. (Sam throws him a stuffed bag of whatever. Food, clothing, ect.)

Gandalf: My dear Frodo. Hobbits really are amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years, they can still surprise you. (Odd noise is heard, sounds like Sam has stubbed his toe on the way to his entrance.) Get down. (Frodo drops to the floor in a heap. Gandalf takes his staff, slowly moving towards the window, then points his staff out of the window, and hits something. Then he sticks his hands out of the window and grabs something. It’s Sam. Gandalf drops him on the table) Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?

Sam: (looking pleased that he didn’t miss his cue) I haven't dropped no eaves, sir, honest. I was just cutting the grass under the window there, if you follow me.

Gandalf: A little late for trimming the verge, don't you think?

Sam: I heard raised voices...

Gandalf: What did you hear? SPEAK!

Sam: N-n-n-nothing important. That is I heard a good deal about a ring, Dark Lord, and something about the end of the world, but, please Mr. Gandalf, sir, please don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anything - unnatural...

Merry and Pippin snicker. Legolas shakes his head fondly at Sam and mutters: “Little Samwise.”

Gandalf: No... Perhaps not... (whispers) I've thought of a better use for you.

The nine actors…I mean Fellowship members…leave Bag End and are suddenly in a grassy field…with woods on either side. Gandalf is horseless, even though in the movie he had a horse. Gandalf, Sam and Frodo are up ahead continuing their monolog while the others lag behind listening and waiting for their times to enter.

Gandalf: Come along, Samwise, keep up. Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service... birds, beasts... (to Frodo) Is it safe? (Frodo puts hand to coat pocket) Never put it on. For the agent of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember, Frodo. The ring is trying to get back to its master. It wants to be found.

A shudder runs through Frodo. Sam looks at him oddly. Gandalf runs off into the woods, birds are heard screeching. Sam and Frodo set off. Gandalf doubles back and begins to walk with Strider, Boromir, Merry, Pippin and Gimli.

Sam: This is it.

Frodo: This is what?

Sam: If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.

Frodo: (Walks back towards Sam and smiles) Come on, Sam.

Sam takes a step and Frodo puts his hand onto Sam's shoulder.

Frodo: You remember what Bilbo used to say? (They continue walking)

Voice Over (Sounds like Bilbo): It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step out onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Gimli: That’s very sweet and all but all this walking is tiring. And this armor is really hot.

Merry: (chewing on apple) Yeah. Well. Not much choice.

Sauron: (voice over) You’d better get back to the script now.

Gandalf: (looking at script) Oh right. This is where I go to Saruman’s and find out he’s an ugly conniving jerk.

Strider: To put it bluntly, yes. (continues to walk, he is now ahead of everyone else)

Gandalf: (shrugs) Okay, I’m with Saruman and he’s throwing me around with his staff. (Skims script) Uh-huh. Right. And then I end up at the top, sitting bruised and bloody. Cut back to Frodo and Sam.

Pippin: Can we stop for breakfast yet?

Merry: It’s almost dinner time, Pip.

Pippin: I’m hungry.

Frodo: (pulls apple from bag and hands it to him) Chew on this.

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A/N: Just so you know, I’ve seen LOTR a lot, but not nearly enough to memorize all those lines. I found a LOTR script and got the lines from that. So I shouldn’t really get credit for my memory. In Muggle Movies, that was all memory, but HP’s dialog is a lot simpler than LOTR.

Also, I’ve changed some of the lines on purpose, so don’t think in the movie that Frodo ever says ‘damn’ lol…or chew on this.

review

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Suddenly, the Fellowship land in the middle of a high field. Sam and Frodo are in a ‘path’ of sorts but the rest are in the masses of crops, peering through.

Sam: Don‘t go wanderin‘, Master Frodo. Wouldn’t want to lose you. Gandalf said, "Don't you lose him, Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to.

Frodo: (Shrugging in a carefree way) Sam, we're still in the Shire. What could possibly happen?

Pippin: (whispering) That’s our cue!

Just then, Merry and Pippin come out from the bushes, and fall onto Frodo and Sam.

Pippin: Frodo! Merry, it's Frodo Baggins!

Merry: (smiling pleasantly) Hello, Frodo.

Sam: (heaves Pippin off Frodo). Get off him! Frodo, are you alright?

Frodo: Ooomph. (sits up looking cross) What's the meaning of this?

Merry: (To Sam) Hold these. (shoves non existent crops into his hands)

Legolas: (watching from a parting in the crops) They could use some better props.

Strider: I’ll say. They should actually HAVE props.

Sauron: (voice over) We’re not all made of money Mr. Isildur’s heir.

Strider: That is not supposed to be revealed yet.

Sauron: Oh.

Sam: You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop!

Boromir: (quietly) What kind of a name is Father Maggot?

Legolas: (in girly voice.) Oh! That’s my line! (shuffles script and turns voice deeply bass) Hey! You get back here! You get out of my fields...etc.

Strider: (laughing slightly) Ect. Good job.

Sarcasm is lost on Legolas so he says thanks happily and turns back to the scene. The Hobbits begin to run, the rest of the Fellowship behind them.

Merry: I don't know why he's so upset. It's only a couple of carrots.

Pippin: And some cabbages. And then those three bags of potatoes we lifted last week, and the mushrooms the week before!

Merry: Yes, Pippin, my point is, he's clearly over reacting! Run!

They run, but come to the edge of a steep slope, and Sam runs into them, throwing all of them off it. The other members of the Fellowship chuckle as they watch the Hobbits roll down the hill. When the Hobbits have landed, everyone else runs down.

Pippin: (Falls near a pile of manure) Oh. That was close.

Merry: Ahhh. Ohhh. I think I've broken something. (Pulls out a broken carrot from underneath him)

Sam: (angrily) Trust a Brandybuck and a Took. (brushes himself off)

Merry: What? It was just a detour. A shortcut.

Sam: A shortcut to what?

Merry: A shortcut to...

Pippin: Mushrooms!!

Sam, Pippin, and Merry are whispering, as they put some mushrooms into a bag.

Frodo: (really worried) I think we should get off the road.

The sound of a horse neighing is heard, and the leaves rustle on the ground. Legolas is shivering in his boots, waiting…because he knows what’s going to happen. More or less, anyway.

Frodo: (screaming in an angrily afraid kind of way) Get off the road! QUICK!

Boromir: (to Legolas) He could tone that down a bit. I think I lost my hearing for a moment.

Gandalf: (whispering) Hobbits tend to over-act. It’s in their blood or something.

The hobbits hurry off the road, and find a hiding place under the roots of a tree. A rider in black comes dismounts, and comes towards their hiding place. The black rider sniffs and a bunch of ugly bugs come out.

Legolas: EWWWWW. Man!

Strider: (finger to lips) Shhhhh.

Frodo is tempted to put on the ring, but Sam stops him. Merry throws the bag of mushrooms off into the distance, and the rider moves towards it. The hobbits leave their hiding place and run, followed closely by the remainder of the Fellowship. Legolas is still very scared.

Merry: What was that?

Pippin: What is going on?

Merry: That black rider was looking for something. Or someone... Frodo?

Pippin: Get down!

The hobbits get down, and a rider is seen nearby. The other members of the Fellowship scurry off ahead to Buckelbury Ferry.

Frodo: (quietly) I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I must get to Bree.

Merry: Right... Bucklebury Ferry. Follow me.

They follow Merry, but a black rider sees and chases them. Lots of neighing and screeching. Lots of screaming from Legolas.

Legolas: This is giving me quite a fright. I’m glad I’m not in this scene.

Merry: Hurry! Follow me!

They run, and come to the river. Sam, Merry and Pippin are there, but Frodo is still being chased by a black rider.

Merry: Get the rope, Sam!

Sam: Frodo!

The Hobbits on the boat: Run, Frodo, Run!

Boromir: (slowly) Run…Forest…Run!

Legolas, Strider and Gandalf crack up laughing but Gimli is straight faced.

Gimli: This is an important part of the movie. An edge of your seat part. Be quiet.

The hobbits have untied the boat, and it is drifting off. Frodo runs, and manages to jump onto the boat. The rider stops at the river bank, and turns around emitting a horrible screech that makes Legolas drop to his knees and put his hands over his ears. Strider hauls him up and together they board another boat.

Frodo: How far to the nearest crossing?

Merry: The Brandywine bridge. Twenty miles.

The rider is seen riding off, and is joined by two or three other riders in black. Suddenly, the hobbits are in the woods and it is pouring rain. They cross a road to approach the gate into Bree. They knock on the gate. The gatekeeper opens a shutter, but it is too high up to see the hobbits, and opens a lower one.

Gatekeeper: What do you want?

Gandalf: He’s uglier than you, Boromir…and you, Gimli.

Gimli and Boromir nod silently. Legolas and Strider exchanged bemused looks.

Boromir: (to Legolas and Strider) Oh shut up. Just because you guys are hot doesn’t mean you can make fun of the less fortunate.

Frodo: We're heading for the Prancing Pony.

Gatekeeper: (Opens gate) Hobbits. Four hobbits! What business brings you to Bree?

Frodo: (sternly) We wish to stay at the inn. Our business is our own.

Gatekeeper: Alright, young sir, I meant no offence. It's my job to ask questions after nightfall. There's talk of strange folk abroad. Can't be too careful.

The gatekeeper lets them in. Bree is full of men, and it is a rough area. One of the hobbits bump into one of the men, who says 'watch where you're walking!' Eventually, they find the inn of the 'Prancing Pony', and enter it. The other members of the Fellowship are already inside because it is near Strider’s cue.

Frodo: (walks up to the counter) Excuse me.

Innkeeper: Good evening, little masters. If you're seeking accommodation, we've got some nice cosy, hobbit sized rooms available... Mr.... er...

Frodo: Underhill. My name's Underhill.

Innkeeper: Underhill...

Frodo: We're friends of Gandalf the Grey. Can you tell him we've arrived?

Innkeeper: Gandalf? Gandalf... Oh.... yes! I remember. Elderly chap. Big grey beard, and pointy hat.

Frodo smiles and nods. Sam is stony faced, looking anxious. Merry and Pippin are excited and are looking around the pub.

Innkeeper: Not seen him for 6 months.

Cue time for hobbits to confer.

Sam: What do we do now?

The second the last word is out of his mouth, the hobbits are plopped into seats at a table. Sam looks really, really, really nervous. Boromir, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli are at a table in the shadows, watching. Strider is at a separate table smoking a pipe and looking ‘scary’.

Legolas: (watching Sam and all his nervousness) Poor chap.

Frodo: Sam, he'll be here. He'll come

Merry comes to the table with a large mug. He sits beside Pippin.

Pippin: What's that?

Merry: (smiling) This, my friend, is a pint.

Pippin: It comes in pints? I'm getting one. (walks off)

Gimli: (whispering to Gandalf) That’s my kind of hobbit!

Sam: (to Pippin’s retreating back) You've had a whole half already!! (To Frodo) That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived. (nods towards a scary and dark looking Strider who resists the urge to wave because this is supposed to be a scary part.)

Frodo: (To innkeeper, as he walks past) Excuse me. That man in the corner. Who is he?

Innkeeper: (Looks at the man) He's one of them rangers. Dangerous folk, they are, wandering in the wilds. What his right name is, I've never heard, but around here, he's known as Strider. (He walks off)

Frodo: Strider...

Frodo fingers his ring, looking really sweaty and nearly as nervous as Sam.

Legolas: (yelling in a whisper) Stop over-acting, Elijah!!!! You’re getting too into it!

Merry: (hisses back) It‘s Frodo! And shut up!

Frodo hears voices saying 'Baggins'. Looks towards counter where Pippin is.

Pippin: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins. He's over there. (points to Frodo) Frodo Baggins. He's my second cousin once removed on his mother's side and ... (The voices of the other people in the room drown out his voice)

Gandalf: (laughing fondly) That Peregrin Took.

Boromir: You do realize he’s just screwed up royally?

Gandalf: (indignant) Of course, but it’s still funny.

Frodo: (Anxiously makes his way towards Pippin to stop him) Pippin! (He grabs him, causing him to spill some of his drink)

Pippin: Steady on!

Frodo trips on the foot of one of the men, falling backwards. As he hits the ground, his ring flies upwards, and it falls back down onto his finger, causing him to disappear.

Narrator: The black riders have heard the call of the One Ring…

Frodo sees the world in darkness when he puts on the ring. There are many shadows, and he hears a voice which says: ‘You cannot hide. I see you.’ Frodo sees a big red eye, and pulls the ring off his finger. Just as he is recovering, he finds a hand on his shoulder. Strider pulls him up the stairs into his room.

Strider: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill.

Frodo: What do you want?

The Fellowship scurry up the stairs quickly, waiting for their cues.

Strider: A little more caution from you. That is no trinket you carry.

Frodo: I carry nothing.

Strider: Indeed. (pause) I can avoid being seen if I wish. But to disappear entirely. That is a rare gift. (he pinches the candles in the room to put them out, and takes off his hood)

Frodo: Who are you?

Strider: Are you frightened?

Frodo: (visibly shaking and near tears) Yes.

Legolas: (outside door and whispering) Stop over acting!!!!

Strider: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.

The door is opened, and Strider draws his sword. Merry, Pippin, and Sam are seen standing in the doorway. Sam has his fists held forward. Pippin has a candlestick and Merry has a chair. Gandalf, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli are waiting in the shadows.

Sam: Let him go, or I'll have you, longshanks!

Legolas: Longshanks?! (laughs)

Strider: You have a stout heart little hobbit (Puts his sword away) But that will not save you. You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo. They're coming.

Narrator: The black riders are approaching. They will overtake the gatekeeper and enter Bree.

The hobbits are sleeping. The black riders enter the hobbit room. There is a rider standing over each of the four beds and in unison, they thrust their swords into the beds. Several times.

Sam gasps and opens his eyes. Legolas is so scared that he is holding onto Gandalf for dear life. Gimli, for once, has emotions on his face even if it is just tiredness…or boredom. Boromir is wide eyed.

The black riders peel the blankets from the beds and emit ear-splitting shrieks. The hobbits aren’t there.

Now, we’re back to Strider, who is sitting by the window with the hobbits, who have awoken.

Frodo: (wide awake and looking queasy) What are they?

Strider: (seriously ominous and sounding well informed) They were once men. Great kings of men. Then Sauron the Deceiver gave to them 9 rings of power. Blinded by their greed, they took them without questioning, one by one, falling to darkness. Now they are slaves to his will. They are the Nazgul. Ring Wraiths. Neither living nor dead. At all times they feel the presence of the ring. Drawn to the power of the One. They will never stop hunting you.

Legolas: (amazed) Wow. That was great acting.

Boromir: Yeah.

Gandalf: (nodding) Excellent.

It is suddenly the following day and Strider is leading a pony into the countryside, with the hobbits following him. Legolas, Gandalf, Boromir and Gimli are hiding in bushes, following them.

Frodo: (scared as usual) Where are you taking us?

Legolas: I wish he’d lighten up. It’s just a game.

Boromir: He’s supposed to be acting, Legolas.

Legolas: Oh. Right.

Strider: Into the wild.

Merry: How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's?

Frodo: (the voice of reason) We have no choice but to trust him.

Sam: But where is he leading us?

Strider: To Rivendell, Master Gamgee, to the House of Elrond.

Sam: Did you hear that? Rivendell. We're going to see the elves.

Legolas: (rolling eyes) Sam! I’m right here! Just look at me!

Sam shoots him a ‘shut up’ look and continues on. Strider stops walking for a minute when he hears whispering behind him. The hobbits have stopped walking.

Strider: (turns around) Gentlemen. We do not stop 'till nightfall.

Pippin: What about breakfast?

Strider: You've already had it.

Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?

Strider turns around, and continues on.

Merry: Don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.

Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon. Afternoon tea. Dinner? Supper. He knows about them. Doesn't he?

Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

Strider throws an apple back, and Merry catches it. He hands it to Pippin, pats him on the back. Then Strider throws another apple, which hits Pippin on the head. Pippin looks up, and around him, bewildered.

The four Fellowship members who are off to the side collapse on the ground laughing.

Narrator: While Strider leads the Hobbits on, Saruman is gathering together an army worthy of Mordor. Orcs work day and night building this army…and preparing them for battle. And Gandalf the Gray bides his time.

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A/N: How is this going so far? Good? I hope it lives up to the movie…it should seeing as how it basically IS the movie. And I hope it makes you laugh because that is my intent.

review

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Strider and the Hobbits have reached a huge stone watch tower.

Strider: This was the great watchtower of Amon Sul. We shall rest here tonight.

The hobbits settle down in a corner. Strider takes out four short swords, and passes one to each hobbit. Merry gazes at his in a ‘wow’ sort of way. Pippin looks like he’s about to say ‘cool’. Frodo and Sam seem a little unsure.

Strider: These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to have a look around. Stay here.

Some time later, when it is dark, Frodo wakes up suddenly. Merry, Pippin, and Sam are cooking something around a fire.

Legolas: (amazed) How long was Strider gone? It’s like, nightfall all of a sudden.

Pippin: Can I have some meat?

Merry: Ok. Want a tomatoes, Sam? Great tomatoes...

Frodo gets up and runs over to them.

Frodo: (In an urgent voice, flailing his arms about. Glances at Legolas who shakes his head. The flailing stops.) What are you doing?!

Merry: Cooking. Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon.

Sam: We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: (Stamps onto the fire, putting it out with his bare feet) Put it out, you fools! Put it out!

Pippin: Oh, that's nice! Ash on my tomatoes...

The cry (crazy, bloody murder screech) of the Nazgul (Black rider) is heard. The hobbits draw their swords, and see the Nazgul encircling Amon Sul. All look panicked.

Frodo: (Gesturing for the others to go up to the top of the watchtower) Go!!!

The Nazgul follow the hobbits to the top, and face them. The hobbits gather around Frodo, all looking scared but brave as well. Legolas, Gimli, Grandalf and Boromir are sitting on the top of a large rock, looking down at the scene.

Legolas: I’m glad I’m not down there right now. Those things are creepy.

Sam: Back you devils!!!

The Riders draw their swords, and swipe Merry, Pippin, and Sam out the way. Frodo falls backwards. The riders stand over him with their swords, and Frodo puts on the ring. He sees the faces of the riders in bright light. The riders say something in another language then stab Frodo in arm.

Frodo: (making horrid, ‘damn that hurt face’) Argggg!! ACK! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (and other weird ouch noises) AHHHHH! (He takes the ring off, gasping)

Legolas tuts and says something about over-acting again. Gandalf quiets him. (“It probably hurt, Legolas!”) and they turn their attentions back to the battle.

Strider comes, with a torch in one hand, and his sword in the other. He takes on the riders, and manages to set them alight, driving them away.

Sam: Frodo! (He runs over to Frodo).

Frodo: (quiet and looking wounded) Sam.

Sam: (frantic) Strider! Help him Strider!

Strider: He has been stabbed by a Morgul blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine. Hurry! (He picks Frodo up over his shoulder, and they all head off into the night.)

Sam: (positively petrified) We're 6 days from Rivendell! He'll never make it!

Strider: Hold on, Frodo.

Frodo: (weird scream) Gandalf!!!

Legolas: (running after them) Stop making such a bid deal outta it, you big baby!

Boromir: (next to Legolas) Legolas. Shut up now.

Narrator: While the Uruk-Hai are being constructed, Gandalf the Gray prepares his escape from Isengard.

Strider and the hobbits have stopped walking. Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf and Boromir are thankful, they are all very out of breath. Frodo is on the ground, looking really horrible and blue and gasping for air…like an asthmatic.

Legolas: Get him an inhaler! (Boromir puts hand over Legolas’ mouth.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo? (Feels Frodo’s head. To Strider) He's going cold!

Pippin: (worried) Is he going to die?

Strider: He's passing into the shadow world. He'll soon become a wraith like them.

Merry: (Hears the Riders) They're close!

Strider: Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?

They confer about this for a bit. And Sam realizes that Kingsfoil is a weed.

Legolas: Way to go, Samwise!

Gandalf: WHOOO!

Gimli: That was out of character.

Strider: It may help to slow the poison. Hurry.

He gives Sam a torch, and then goes off to look for the weed. He finds some, and takes out a knife to cut it, but finds a blade at his throat.

Arwen‘s voice: What's this, a ranger, caught off his guard?

Arwen and Strider go back to Frodo.

Arwen: Frodo... I am Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nin, tolo dan na ngalad.

Merry: (quietly and in awe) Who is she?

Boromir: Liv Tyler…daughter of Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. (Gandalf gives him a ‘look’ and he shuts up)

Sam: (also in awe) She's an elf.

Arwen: He's fading. He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for 2 days.

Sam: (scared out of his little hobbit brain) Where are you taking him?!

Arwen: There are 5 wraiths behind you. Where the other four are I do not know.

Strider: Dartho guin berian. Rych le ad tolthathon.

Strider: Andelu i ven.

(Translation) The road is too dangerous.

Frodo is still gasping expertly while Strider loads him onto Arwen’s horse.

Pippin: What are they saying?

Arwen: Frodo fir. Ae athradon i hir, tur gwaith nin beriatha hon.

(Translation) Frodo is dying. If I can get across the river, the power of my people will protect him.

If you thought the hobbits couldn’t look more scared, they do at this point.

Arwen: (quietly) I do not fear them.

Strider: Be iest lin.

(Translation: According to your wish) Arwen, ride hard. Don't look back!

Arwen: Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!

(Translation) Ride on, Asfaloth, ride fast.

Arwen rides off with Frodo leaving behind some very indignant looking hobbits.

Sam: (Shaking fist, then realizes he’s doing it-it’s not in the script-and puts his fist down) What are you doing! Those Wraiths are still out there!!

Narrator: Arwen rides like the wind but is chased by 8 of the Black Riders. Once they reach the river, she turns around in the water and faces them.

A Rider: Give up the Halfling, she-elf!

Merry: (tuts) That’s rude. Hafling AND she-elf. (shakes head)

Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Sam and Strider are all watching from the shore.

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him. (Riders start to cross river) Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulaer!

(Translation:) Waters of the Misty Mountains listen to the great word: flow waters of Loudwater against the Ringwraiths!

The water rises from the river, drowning the riders. Frodo becomes fainter, and makes really strange choking and other nonsense noises. Arwen lays him on the shore. The Fellowship are watching, teary eyed. Apparently none of them have read ahead.

Arwen: Frodo! No! Frodo, don't give in! Not now! (whispers) What grace is given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.

Elrond: (Standing over Frodo) Lasto beth nin. Tolo dan nan galad.

(Translation) Hear my voice, come back to the light

Frodo: (waking up and looking around) Where am I?

Gandalf: You are in the house of Elrond, and it is 10 o'clock in the morning, on October the 24th if you want to know

Frodo: (sits up with much difficulty) Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yes? Yes, I'm here. And you're lucky to be here too. A few more hours, and you would have been beyond our aid. But you had some strength in you. My dear hobbit.

Frodo: What happened? Why didn't you meet us?

Gandalf: Oh, I'm sorry Frodo. I was delayed.

Frodo: (raised eyebrow) I am not a stupid hobbit, Gandalf. I know you weren’t (makes quote signs in the air) delayed. Tell me the truth, I am old enough to hear it.

Merry: (hissing off stage) That’s not in the script, Elijah!

Frodo: (confused) Er…yeah. Gandalf…you were delayed. (seriously) I am sorry to hear that.

Saruman (voice over in Gandalf‘s head): A friendship with Saruman is not lightly thrown aside. One ill turn deserves another. It is over. Embrace the power of the ring, or embrace your own destruction.

Gandalf: There is only one Lord of the Ring. Only one can bend to his will. And he does not share power.

Saruman: (quietly) So you have chosen death.

Gandalf shakes his head to get those horrible words out of his brain.

Frodo: (looking pleasantly perplexed) Gandalf? What is it?

Gandalf: (smiles) Nothing.

Sam: Frodo! Frodo!

Frodo: Sam!

Sam: Bless you, you're awake!

Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side.

Sam: We were that worried about you, weren't we, Mr. Gandalf!

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you are beginning to mend.

Elrond: (entering) Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins.

Legolas is wipping his eyes on Boromir’s shirt. Boromir looks very angry about this. Gimli is stoic. They are all waiting for their cues.

Frodo is walking around Rivendell with Sam. He sees Merry and Pippin and happily embraces them, glad to be alive. Then he sees Bilbo.

Frodo: Bilbo!

Bilbo: Hello, Frodo, my lad!

Frodo: Bilbo! (Reads:) There and back again, A hobbit's tale, by Bilbo Baggins. This is wonderful.

Bilbo: I meant to go back. Wander the paths of Mirkwood. Visit Laketown. See the Lonely Mountain again. But age, it seems, has finally caught up with me.

Frodo: I miss the Shire. I spent all my childhood pretending I was off somewhere else, off with you on one of your adventures. But my own adventure turned out to be quite different. I'm not like you, Bilbo.

Bilbo: My dear boy.

Legolas is walking with Boromir and Gimli to their entrance.

Legolas: It’s a darn good thing Frodo isn’t like Bilbo, he’d be near death right now!

Boromir: Do you think maybe you’re getting a little TOO into your character?

Legolas: Nonsense! Now back off or I’ll shoot you with an arrow. That’ll take one off your quota.

Frodo is walking up to Sam.

Sam: (to himself) Now, what have I forgotten?

Frodo: Packed already.

Sam: No 'arm in being prepared

Frodo: Thought you wanted to see the elves, Sam.

Sam: I do.

Frodo: More than anything

Sam: I did… It's just… We did what Gandalf wanted, didn't we? We got the ring this far to Rivendell. And I thought, seeing now you're on the mend, we'd be off soon. Off home.

Frodo: You're right, Sam. We did what we set out to do. The ring will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to go home.

Narrator: But little did he know, he wouldn’t be headed home to the Shire so soon. As Frodo’s strength returns, Elrond and Gandalf discuss how much resilience Frodo has shown against the evil of the ring. Elrond tells Gandalf that the ring cannot stay in Rivendell…the enemy is on the move and its target is set on there. As the list of allies grows thin, Saruman’s army multiplies. As Elrond recalls what happened that day, long ago when Isildur didn’t cast the ring into the fire, Gandalf says on men they should rely.

Elrond: It should have ended that day, but evil was allowed to endure. Isildur kept the ring, the line of kings is broken. There's no strength left in the world of men. They are scattered, divided, leaderless...

Gandalf: There is one who could unite them. One who could reclaim the throne of Gondor.

Elrond: He turned from that path a long time ago. He has chosen exile.

Boromir enters a room where Strider is sitting. Legolas, off stage, gives him the thumbs up. He has finally entered the movie. Boromir gives thumbs up back and begins his dialog.

Boromir: The shards of Narsil, the blade that cut the ring from Sauron's hand. (He fingers the blade, and cuts his finger) Still sharp. (Sees Strider watching him.) No more than a broken heirloom.

He puts the sword back in its place and walks off. As he walks off, the sword falls, but he does not pick it up. Strider picks up sword, and places it back in its place. He stands in front of the sword for a while.

Arwen: (entering) Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.

Strider: The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness.

Arwen: Your time will come. You will face the same evil and you will defeat it. A si i-dhuath u-orthor, Aragorn. U or le a u or nin.

(Translation: The Shadow does not hold sway yet. Not over you, not over me.)

Arwen: Renech i lu ned ol reniannen?

(Translation: Do you remember when we first met?)

Strider: Nauthannem i ned ol reniannen.

(Translation: I thought I had strayed into a dream.)

Arwen: Gwenwin in enninath. U-arnech n naeth i si celich. Renech i beth i pennen?

(Translation: Long years have passed. You did not wear the troubles you carry now. Do you remember what I told you?)

Strider: You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.

Arwen: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you, than face all the ages of this world alone. (She gives him her necklace, the Evenstar jewel, a symbol of her immortality) I choose a mortal life.

Strider: You cannot give me this.

Arwen: It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart. (They kiss)

The Rivendell council. Elves, dwarfs, hobbits (just Frodo), wizards (just Gandalf) and men are sitting in a circle.

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the ring, Frodo.

Frodo places the ring on the table amongst many whispers. He sits back down and looks very warn out and relieved. Legolas gives him the evil eye, mouthing something about ‘over-acting’. Frodo, in a very mature fashion, sticks his tongue out. Legolas, horrified, sticks his tongue out in response.

Boromir: (looking very happy and surprised) So it is true… It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this ring. Long has my father, the steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor at bay by the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!

Strider: You cannot wield it. None of us can. The one ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.

Bormir: And would a ranger know of this matter?

Legolas: (stands) This is no mere ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.

Boromir: Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?

Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor.

Strider: (waving hand) Havo dad, Legolas.

(Translation: Sit down, Legolas.)

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A/N: Because the narrator loves the part when he says this, (Havo dad, Legolas) she has drooled on her keyboard. Therefore, this chapter doesn’t end as well as the others.

WHY do I love that part of the movie so? All he says is “Havo dad, Legolas” but his facial expression…yeah. I’ll calm down now. But I really do think Strider is really hot. And that’s just recent because I didn’t used to think so at all.

review

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Everyone is still at the council. I’d like to take this point in time and say that Sam, Merry and Pippin are off stage but they are purposely listening in this time. And not just because they like to drop eaves.

Boromir: Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king.

Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We cannot use it.

Elrond: You have only one choice. The ring must be destroyed.

Gimli: Then what are we waiting for?!

Gimli tries to smash ring with axe, the axe breaks. Frodo looks very pained and seems to have a really bad headache.

Elrond: The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin by any craft that we here possess. The ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the firey chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. And the great eye is ever watchful. 'Tis a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust. The very air that you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Legolas: (hot-headed) Have you heard nothing that Lord Elrond has said? The ring must be destroyed!

Gimli: (angrily) And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!

Boromir: And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?

Gimli: (indignant) I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!

All the elves stand up, but Legolas holds them back. The dwarves stand too, then everyone except Frodo. Frodo hears the voice of the ring, saying: Ash nazg durbatuluk, Ash nazg gimbatul, Ash nazg thrakatuluk, Agh burzum-ishi krimpatul (One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them)

Frodo: I will take it! I will take it! (everyone else stops and listens to him) I will take the ring to Mordor… Though … Though I do not know the way.

This is the part where you go: Awww, he is SOOO sweet…and damn hot with those hobbit feet.

Gandalf: I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins. As long as it is yours to bear.

Aragorn: By my life or death, if I can protect you, I will. (kneels beside Frodo) You have my sword.

Legolas: (trying to hold back a smile, because he’s supposed to be serious) And you have my bow.

Gimli: (walking forward) And my axe.

Boromir: You carry the fate of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done.

Sam: Here! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me.

Elrond: No, indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you from him, even when he is summoned to a secret council, and you are not.

Merry: (running out) Oi! We're coming too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us.

Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission… quest… thing.

Merry: Well that rules you out, Pip.

Elrond: Nine companions. So be it! You shall be the fellowship of the ring.

Pippin: Great. Where are we going?

Luckily the scene ends before we see Legolas doubled up in laughter. Frodo and Bilbo are in Bilbo’s room.

Bilbo: My old sword, Sting. Here, take it, take it.

Frodo: It's so light.

Bilbo: Yes, yes… made by the elves, you know. The blade glows blue when orcs are close, and it's at times like that, my lad, when you have to be extra careful. Here's a pretty thing. Mithril. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragons scales. Let me see you put it on. Come on...

Frodo eagerly begins to unbutton his shirt and most girls in the audience watch eagerly. LOL. I’m kidding! Well, not really.

Bilbo: (Sees the Ring hanging from a chain on Frodo's neck). Oh - M-my old ring. Oh! I sh-should very much like - to hold it again, one last time.

Frodo begins to button up his shirt again and Bilbo lashes out irrationally…looking like some sort of blue/gray monkey thing. He screams a little bit…it’s more like a hiss. And scares poor Frodo I’m sure. If his backing away looking positively horrified is any indication.

Bilbo: (Now normal again, backs away, and sinks into a chair, weeping.) I'm sorry I brought this upon you, my boy... I'm sorry that you must carry this burden... I'm sorry for everything!

Frodo places his hand reassuringly onto Bilbo's shoulder, and Bilbo, in a sudden movement places his hand onto Frodo's. Legolas sniffles. Merry and Pippin look surprised at him, but their eyes are wet also.

The Fellowship departs from Rivendell.

Voice of Gandalf: We must hold this course west from the Misty Mountains for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. From there our road turns east to Mordor.

The Fellowship has stopped, and Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin to sword fight.

Boromir: Two, Three, Four, Five. Good. Very good.

Strider: (through his pipe) Move your feet.

Merry: Mmmm, that's good, Pippin.

Pippin: Thanks.

Boromir: Faster.

Gimli: If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're not, (Legolas mutters something under his breath that resembles: “Shut up you pirate dwarf“) I'd say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf! We could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.

Gandalf: No, Gimli. I would not take the roads through Moria unless I had no other choice.

Legolas notices something in the distance. Boromir is now fighting with Pippin. He hits him.

Pippin: Ahhh!

Merry: That was a good scream, Pip. (Pippin nods approvingly)

Bormir: Sorry.

Pippin: Get him!

Merry: Arr, ow. For the Shire! Hold him, hold him. He got my arm, he got my arm…

Sam: (looking off in the distance) What is that?

Gimli: Nothing, it's just a wisp of cloud.

Boromir: Well, it's moving fast. Against the wind.

Legolas: Crebain from Duneland.

Strider shouts: “HIDE!” and other things like that. Everyone hides.

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the pass of Caradhras

The Fellowship are seen walking up the steep and snowy mountains. Frodo falls, and finds he has dropped the ring. Boromir picks it up, dangling it from its chain.

Frodo: (under breath) Shit! Oh, sorry. That’s not in the script. (face turns worried again)

Strider: Boromir.

Boromir: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.

Strider: Boromir! Give the ring to Frodo.

Boromir: (taking his damn sweet time) As you wish. (Frodo grabs it as quick as he can with his lightning fast Hobbit reflexes.) I care not. (laughs and ruffles Frodo's hair. He walks off, and Strider takes his hand off the hilt of his sword)

Frodo: (to Strider) Did he mess up my hair?

Legolas: (from up ahead) Nah, you look fine.

Narrator: Very fine.

Legolas: There is a foul voice on the air.

Gandalf: It's Saruman! (boulders fall)

Strider: He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf! We must turn back!

Gandalf: No!! (Shouts something in elvish to Saruman)

Saruman: (Stands at the top of the tower of Isengard, and says something in elvish) Bow to the power of Isengard!

The mountain is hit with lightning. The fellowship gets buried, but all get out of the snow easily enough.

Boromir: We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan! Or take the west road to my city!

Strider: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard.

Gimli: If we cannot go over the mountain, let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria.

Saruman: (the others can’t hear him, obviously, because he’s miles away) Moria. You fear to go into those mines. The Dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke there in the darkness of Khazad-dum. Shadow, and flame.

Gandalf: Let the Ring-bearer decide… Frodo.

Frodo: We will go through the mines.

Gandalf: (as if he’s received a death sentence, which really he has) So be it.

The Fellowship arrive in front of the entrance to Moria. It is very dark out and dreary.

Gimli: The walls of Moria.

Gandalf: Now, let’s see... Ithildin. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight… (doors are revealed) It reads: The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.

Merry: What d'you suppose that means?

Gandalf: Oh, it's quite simple, really. If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open.

Strider (to a forlorn Sam): The mines are no place for a pony. Even one so brave as Bill. (Takes the baggage off Bill the pony)

Sam: Bye, bye, Bill.

Strider: Go on, Bill. Go on. Don't worry Sam. He knows the way home.

(Merry and Pippin are throwing stones into the water. As Pippin is about to throw one, Strider grabs him by the collar). Do not disturb the water.

Gandalf: (sits down and takes off his hat) Oh, it's useless.

Frodo: (suddenly realizing) It's a riddle. Speak friend, and enter. What's the elvish word for friend?

Gandalf: Mellon. (only it’s elongated so it doesn’t sound like the fruit)

Doors open, the fellowship walks into the mines,

Gimli: (to Legolas) Soon Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone! This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A MINE!

Legolas: (happily) Ah, shut up now.

Boromir: (looking around) This is no mine. It's a tomb.

Gimli: No! Nooo! NOOOO!

Merry: (to Pippin) He has a better scream than you. You better work on yours. (Pippin nods)

Legolas: (takes out an arrow from a dead body) Goblins! (He’s really good with arrows, you know.)

Boromir: We make for the Gap of Rohan. We should never have come here! Now get out of here! Get out!!

The fellowship backs out, Frodo is taken by a tentacle from a creature in the water.

Frodo: Strider!!!

Sam: Strider!!! Get off him!

The hobbits slash at the creature with their swords. The hobbits manage to free Frodo from the creature, but as he backs away from the water, many tentacles come out from the water, this time swinging Frodo high up in the air. Legolas shoots the tentacles with his bow, while Boromir and Strider enter the water, and slash at the tentacles with their swords. Strider cuts off the tentacle that is holding Frodo, and Boromir manages to catch Frodo as he falls.

Gandalf: Into the mines!!! (The creature comes out of the water and crumbles the doors down, blocking the way out) We now have but one choice. We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. Quietly now. It's a four day journey to the other side. Let us hope that our presence may go unnoticed.

Climbing upwards, Pippin lets some rocks fall onto Merry.

Merry: Pippin!

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place. (The company stops for a while)

Pippin: Are we lost?

Merry: No

Pippin: I think we are

Merry: Shhh…

Pippin: Merry…

Merry: What?

Pippin: I'm hungry

Merry: Pippin, you are always hungry.

Legolas: (nodding) Really, you are, Pippin.

Gimli: I’ll third that.

Frodo looks over the edge of a rock and sees something moving.

Frodo: (to Gandalf) There's something down there.

Merry: It’s probably just a camera man or something, dude. (Pippin elbows him)

Pippin: You don’t have any lines right now, Merry.

Gandalf: It's Gollum.

Frodo: (surprised) Gollum?

Gandalf: He's been following us for 3 days.

Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Barad-Dur?

Gandalf: (raises eyebrow) Escaped. Or set loose. He hates and loves the ring. As he hates and loves himself. He will never be rid of his need for it.

Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.

Gandalf: Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. When all this is over, the pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of the ring.

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all that come to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, than the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find this ring. In which case you were also 'meant' to have it. And that is an encouraging thought. Eh - it's that way.

Merry: (Standing) He's remembered!

Gandalf: No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose. Let me risk a little more light. (The light on his staff brightens, and the Fellowship find themselves in a great hallway, with tall pillars, as far as the eye can see. Behold the great realm of the dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf.

Sam: Well there's an eye opener, and no mistake.

They walk on, but as they do so, Gimli sees a doorway to the side. It is strewn with the bodies of dead orcs. Gimli runs through the door into a chamber.

Gandalf: Gimli!

Gimli: No! Oh - no! No. (cries)

Gandalf: (reading) ‘Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria.’ He is dead then. It is as I feared.

(Gandalf gives Pippin his hat and staff)

Legolas: (Looking very serious. To Strider) We must move on. We cannot linger.

Gandalf: (reads) They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming.

Pippin touches a skeleton by a well, and it falls in, making a lot of noise. He looks very nervous and frightened. Gandalf is furious.

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity.

Merry: (indignant, but whispering) That’s a bit harsh.

Boromir: (leaning down) It’s really not. I mean, he did just let our presence be known.

Merry: (nodding) Damn you, Pippin!

Pippin: (looks at Merry, frightened) Huh?

Drumming noises are heard. Frodo's sword glows blue.

Sam: (Sees the blue blade) Frodo!

Legolas: Orcs!

You know, if you keep track, Legolas doesn’t have that many lines. Well, not in the REAL version anyway. In my version, he talks an awful lot. Boromir runs to the door and two arrows narrowly miss his head.

Strider: (to the hobbits) Get back! Stay close to Gandalf! (They bar the doors)

Boromir: (rolling eyes in an ironic way) They have a cave troll.

They bar the doors, then stand facing them, their bows and swords out.

Gimli: Let them come! There's one dwarf yet in Moria that still draws breath.

Fight scene ensues. Many orcs…Legolas is crazily killing them one by one with just as swift flick of his bow. He is surely a master bowsman or whatever. And all the others do well too. Until the cave troll comes. Sam, by the way, is hitting orcs with a pan.

Sam: (Smiling) I think I'm getting the hang of this!

Legolas: (doing little dance) Whoohooohoooo! Go Samwise! Go Samwise!

Strider: Frodo!

Frodo is dragged by the troll. Frodo yells “Aragorn!” because they seem to like to just yell at each other.

Strider fights the troll, saving Frodo from it. He thrusts a spear into its chest, but it does not pierce its thick hide. Then the troll bites Strider, and he is thrown aside. Frodo runs to Strider's side, and faces the troll. The troll hurls a spear at Frodo, and it goes through him. Frodo falls face first to the ground. But not before making more really well acted gasps and chokes. Merry and Pippin jump onto the trolls back.

Sam: Frodo! FRODO!!

Legolas shoots an arrow into its throat, and it collapses. Strider crawls over to Frodo.

Strider: (Whispers) Oh no.

Sam turns Frodo over onto his back and they see that Frodo is alive.

Sam: He's alive.

Frodo: I'm alright. I'm not hurt.

Strider: You should be dead. That spear would have skewered a wild boar.

Gandalf: I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye.

Frodo reveals Mithril coat.

Gimli: Mithril! You are full of surprises, Mr. Baggins!

In the distance, noises can be heard. More orcs coming.

Pippin: (Frightened) Dear God! I’m tired, can’t they just leave us the hell alone?

Gandalf: Quick! To the bridge of Khazad-dum!

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A/N: If you’ll notice, I haven’t just copied the script. Most of the script is in here, but it has added parts and stuff too. I just wanted to clear that up before I got accused of plagiarism too.

review

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They run, but Moria is filled with orcs. Soon they are surrounded. Suddenly, at the end of the hallway, there’s a red glow on the walls. The orcs run. Legolas holds his bow out, ready, but soon lowers it because it does no good.

Pippin: (whining) I really don’t wanna do this part you guys!

Merry: (dropping his ’scared’ persona) We can’t just not do it, Pip.

Pippin: (pouting sweetly and making puppy dog eyes) But I really don’t wanna.

Merry: That’s not going to work, Pippin. (Pippin stops pouting)

Frodo: I don’t want to either, but we have to. It says so in the script.

Legolas: I really hate this part too.

Strider: I think we’re all in agreement about how horrible this part is…

Gandalf: (smiling) But it all turns out alright in the end.

Frodo: (brightening) That’s right! I saw the preview for The Two Towers the other night.

Strider: At the premiere of The Fellowship? How’d I miss that?

Frodo: No, that was ages ago. I went to see The Fellowship the other night. My sister, she really wanted to see it again…

Loud and scary music is building in the background.

Sauron: (voice over) Could we PLEASE get back to the script?

Boromir: (checking script) Oh right. What is this new devilry?

Gandalf: A balrog. A demon of the ancient world. The foe is beyond any of you. RUN!

They all run.

Strider: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Lead them on Aragorn. The bridge is near. Do as I say! Swords are no more use here!

They all move on, but a lot of the stone is breaking. They come to a break in the rock. Legolas jumps the gap, and stands ready to help the others over.

Legolas: Gandalf. (Signals for him to jump the gap. Gandalf jumps, and is helped over by Legolas)

Boromir: Merry! Pippin! (He holds one of them with each hand, and jumps over with them. Legolas helps them over on the other side)

Merry & Pippin: WHOOOOOOOO!

Strider: Sam.

He tosses Sam over the gap and turns to Gimli, who holds up a hand.

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf. (He tries to jump the gap, but almost misses. Legolas grabs him by beard to stop him falling into the abyss.) Not the beard!!!

Legolas: (rolling eyes) Do you want to die? Or should I save you? God forbid you loose your beard.

Gimli: (standing next to Legolas) Shut up, Legolas. A Dwarf’s beard is the very essence of our souls…

Gandalf: Can we pay attention please? Those two haven’t made it over yet.

Strider and Frodo remain on the other side of the gap. The piece of rock they are standing on looks as though it is about to collapse.

Strider: (To Frodo) Lean forward.

The two of them lean forward and safely make it across. The entire Fellowship run like the devil out of there.

Gandalf: Over the bridge! Fly!

Gandalf remains on other side of bridge.

Gandalf: (to shadow creature, yelling loudly) You cannot pass!

Frodo: (really worried) Gandalf!!!

Gandalf: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun! Arrghh! Go back to the shadow!! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

He breaks the bridge, causing the Balrog to fall. Gandalf sighs, and turns around, but as he does so, the whip of the Balrog catches onto his ankle, and he is pulled down. He grabs onto the edge of the bridge, but cannot keep his grip. There is nothing the fellowship can do to save him. Frodo is yelling his little hobbit head off but Boromir grabs him so he can’t run and save Gandalf.

Frodo: (crying and flailing arms) No! GANDALF!!!

Legolas: (quietly to Strider) Now, that is GOOD, man. His acting is wonderful. I‘m really feeling for him. Go Frodo!

Gandalf: (still hanging onto edge) Fly, you fools.

Gandalf falls.

Frodo: NO!! NO!!!! (He has to be carried away by Boromir)

The fellowship leaves, but Aragorn remains behind, still looking into the abyss as if he can’t believe it.

Boromir: (From the distance) Aragorn!

The fellowship finally gets out of Moria, and there they stop for a short while.

Merry and Pippin are sitting together, crying. Sam is crying a little ways away. Legolas is looking forlorn, walking around slowly.

Strider: (After some time): Legolas. Get them up.

Boromir: (shaken) Give them a moment for pity's sake.

Strider: By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs. We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Come Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, get them up. (He walks over to Sam, and helps him up.) On your feet, Sam. (Then he sees Frodo, who has wondered away). Frodo! Frodo!!

Frodo stops and turns around. Tears are running down his face. His blue eyes are glistening and it is heart wrenching.

Legolas: (amazed) Wow, he’s good. (wipes eyes) Okay. (sniffs) Let’s go.

All of the hobbits get up and they leave, and make their way to Lothlorien. They are in the woods.

Gimli: Stay close, young hobbits. They say that a great sorceress lives in these woods. An elf witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell.

Voice: Frodo.

Gimli: And are never seen again.

Voice: You are coming to us... is as the footsteps of doom... You bring great evil here, Ring-bearer.

Sam: (worried) Mr. Frodo?

Gimli: Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.

Elves appear, covering the company with arrows.

Gimli: Oh...

Haldir (an elf): The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.

Legolas looks angry, but snickers a bit behind his hand because even though that is a horribly mean comment, it is true.

Strider: Haldir o Lórien. Henion aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe ammen veriad lîn.

Gimli: Aragorn! These woods are perilous. We should go back!

Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come, she is waiting.

Celeborn and Galadriel come, in a bright light.

Celeborn: Eight that there are here, yet 9 there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him.

Galadriel: (Looks at Aragorn, who‘s eyes are downcast) He has fallen into shadow. The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail to the ruin of all. (Looks at Boromir, who is very uncomfortable) Yet hope remains while company is true. (looks at Sam). Do not let your hearts be troubled, go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you will sleep in peace...

Voice of Galadriel in Frodo‘s head: Welcome, Frodo of the Shire, one who has seen the eye!

Legolas is walking slowly with a pitcher in his hand. The company is strewn about. He is listening.

Legolas: A lament for Gandalf.

Pippin: What do they say about him?

Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.

Strider: (to Boromir) Take some rest. These borders are well protected.

Boromir: I will find no rest here. I heard her voice inside my head. She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me, even now there is hope left. But I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing. And then our... our people lose faith. He looks to me to make things right, and I, I would do it. I would see the glory of Gondor restored. Have you ever seen it, Aragorn? The white tower of Ithilien. Glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver. Its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets?

Strider: I have seen the white city. Long ago.

Boromir: One day our paths will lead us there. And the tower guard shall take up the call. For the Lords of Gondor have returned.

Frodo jumps awake and sees Galadriel walking somewhere. He follows her. Everyone else is asleep.

Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?

Frodo: What will I see?

Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell. For the mirror shows many things. Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.

Galadriel pours water from a pitcher into a big silver bowl. Frodo looks in. Frodo sees Legolas' back, then Sam and Pippin. They all look sad and grave. Then he sees the Shire. It is filled with flame, and orcs. (Frodo gasps) Sam is seen with his ankles chained on a line with many other hobbits. They are whipped. Then Frodo sees the eye. He feels his ring slipping in towards the mirror, but he pulls it backwards, falling onto the ground.

Galadriel: (in Frodo’s head) I know what it was that you saw. For it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you should fail. The fellowship is breaking . It has already begun. He will try to take the ring. You know of whom I speak. One by one it will destroy them all.

Frodo: (in his head) If you ask it of me, I will give you the one ring.

Galadriel: You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In the place of a dark lord, you would have a QUEEN! (She changes, and she seems very evil and a bit scary.) NOT DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN! TREACHEROUS AS THE SEA! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR. (She becomes normal again, and breathes heavily, as though trying to catch her breath) I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the west, and remain Galadriel.

Frodo: (choked) I cannot do this alone.

Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To bear a ring of power is to be alone. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will.

Frodo: Then I know what I must do, it's just, I'm afraid to do it.

Galadriel: Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

Narrator: Meanwhile, Saruman is training his Urk-Hai…and talking to the evilest of them, Lurtz.

Saruman: Do you know how the orcs first came into being? They were elves once, taken by the dark powers, tortured, and mutilated. A ruined, and terrible form of life. Now, perfected. My fighting Uruk-Hai. Whom do you serve?

Lurtz: (who’s really, really, really, really ugly) Saruman.

Saruman: Hunt them down! Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste man flesh! One of the Halflings carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive and unspoilt. Kill the others.

The Fellowship are leaving in row boats.

Galadriel: Farewell, Frodo Baggins. I give you the light of Earendil, our most beloved star. Namarie. (Farewell)

The Fellowship row off, and Galadriel stands on the shore, waving.

Voice of Galadriel: May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

Very angst-filled music is heard and orcs, about three hundred thousand million, are running. The Fellowship approaches an entrance of sorts, guarded by huge stone king things.

Strider: Frodo. The Argornath. Long have I desired to look upon the Kings of old. My kin.

They stop rowing, and rest on the western shore.

Strider: We cross the lake at nightfall, hide the boats, and continue on foot. We approach Mordor from the north.

Gimli: Oh yes? Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil? An impassable labyrinth of razor sharp rocks? And after that, it gets even better! Festering, stinking marshlands, as far as the eye can see.

Strider: That is our road. I suggest you take some rest and recover your strength, Master Dwarf.

Gimli: (offended) Recover my... phfwahh...

Legolas: (to Strider) We should leave now.

Strider: No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore. We must wait for the cover of darkness.

Legolas: It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near. I can feel it.

Gimli: Recover strength... (To Pippin) Pay no heed to that, young hobbit.

Merry: Where's Frodo?

Strider sees Boromir’s shield and realizes he’s gone too. Uh-oh.

Frodo is wandering around, Boromir is collecting wood.

Boromir: None of us should wander alone. You least of all. So much depends on you. Frodo? I know why you seek solitude. You suffer. I see it day by day. Are you sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo. Other paths that we might take.

Frodo: I know what you would say, and it would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart.

Boromir: Warning? Against what? We're all afraid, Frodo, but to let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have. Don't you see, it's madness.

Frodo: There is no other way.

Boromir: I ask only for the strength to defend my people! If you would but lend me the ring…

Frodo: (Backs away) No!

Boromir: Why do you recoil? I am no thief!

Frodo: You are not yourself!

Boromir: What chance do you think you have? They will find you. They will take the ring. And you will beg for death before the end! You fool! It is not yours save by unhappy chance.

Walks towards Frodo, who is still backing away, looking worried.

Boromir: It could have been mine. It should be mine! (Lunges forward towards Frodo) Give it to me! Give me the ring! (Boromir manages to get hold of Frodo)

Frodo: No! Damn you, Sean! G’off me!

Frodo puts the ring on and disappears, then hits Boromir.

Boromir: (like a lunatic) I see your mind!! You will take the ring to Sauron! You will betray us! You go to your death! And the death of us all! Curse you and all the Halflings! (He slips and his anger passes, his voice softens) Frodo? Frodo. I must find him. Please, Frodo…

Frodo still has the ring on, and the world is in darkness.

Boromir: Frodo, I'm sorry! Frodo!

Frodo sees Barad-dur, and then the eye. He takes the ring off, and the world comes back into its full light.

Strider: (approaching with caution) Frodo?

Frodo: It has taken Boromir.

Strider: Where is the ring?

Frodo: Stay away!

Strider: Frodo! I swore to protect you.

Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?! (shows him the ring) Would you destroy it? (He puts his hand out, as if offering the ring to Strider.)

Strider: (Kneels beside Frodo, and closes Frodo's hand over the ring.) I would have gone with you to the end. Into the very fires of Mordor.

Frodo: I know. Look after the others. Especially Sam. He will not understand

Strider notices that Sting is glowing blue.

Strider: Go, Frodo. Run. RUN!

Orcs can bee seen coming. Strider comes out and faces an orc army. He fights them.

Sam: (looking for Frodo) Mr. Frodo!

Frodo can be seen running away. He hides behind a tree. Merry and Pippin can be seen in a more safe hiding place.

Merry: (whisper yelling) Frodo!

Pippin: Hide here, quick! Come on!

Frodo shakes his head.

Pippin: What's he doing?

Frodo shakes his head again.

Merry: He's leaving!

Pippin: NO!

Merry: Pippin. (does double take) That was an excellent scream! Wow. (pause) We should forshake this blasted script and tie Frodo up so he can’t go on alone! We can put him in a burlap sac…Sam’ll help us. Then we can load him into a boat. But, he is pretty spry for his age…perhaps we should get reinforcements.

Pippin: What is Frodo’s one true love?

Merry: (shrugging) I don’t believe he has one. Mushrooms?

Pippin: No, that’s me. Well, we have swords. We can just use those.

Merry: (nods) Yeah, sure. We’ll use the swords on him and then make him climb into the sac. But how do we get the sac to the boat? I mean, he did gain weight for this part.

Frodo: (who has been listening the whole time in horror) Not much!

Merry: (ignoring Frodo) Okay, so we’ll draw our swords and charge at him. But we won’t hurt him…

Pippin: Maybe we can kick him a couple times if he doesn‘t cooperate!

Merry: Pip, we’re just trying to get him to see some sense…he can’t go to Mordor alone. If we kick him, he might get hurt and then where will we be? That’s right. No where. Because Frodo needs to be in tip-top shape.

Pippin: (getting restless) I don’t know, Merry. He’s a pretty good fighter. He’s escaped death, like, three times already. I think you underestimate him. He’s got a hefty kick, too, I can tell you that. But not as hefty as me!

Merry: (raised eyebrow) Okay. Maybe we should just follow the script. My head hurts from thinking so much.

Pippin: Mine too. And I’m hungry.

Pippin jumps out of his hiding place, and Merry follows. Orcs can be seen coming.

Merry: Run, Frodo. Go! (waving at orcs) Hey, hey you! Over here!

Pippin: Over here! Over here! This way! It's working!

Merry: I know it's working! Run!

Merry and Pippin are suddenly surrounded by orcs. Boromir comes along, and fights them.

Legolas, Gimli and Strider are fighting orcs when suddenly Boromir’s horn is heard.

Legolas: The horn of Gondor!

Strider: Boromir!

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review

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Legolas and Strider make their way towards Boromir.

An orc shoots Boromir in the chest. He continues to fight. He is shot 3 times with arrows. Then Merry and Pippin try to fight the orcs, but are taken away, flailing their arms and crying. A last orc is about to shoot Boromir in the head, but Aragorn manages to kill it. He beheads him which is very good. Strider leans down to Boromir.

Boromir: (in lots of pain) They took the little ones.

Strider: Stay still.

Boromir: Frodo. Where is Frodo?

Strider: I let Frodo go.

Boromir: Then you did what I could not. I tried to take the ring from him. Damn, dude, these arrows hurt! And seriously, wasn’t it supposed to be more than three this time?

Strider: (uncomfortable) You’re straying from the script, Sean.

Boromir: I’m pissed, dude. (moves slight) OW, shit.)

Strider: Calm yourself or it’ll be worse. I stopped him from shooting you in the damn head.

Boromir: Oh. Thanks. (returns to normal monolog voice.) So, the ring…

Strider: The ring is beyond our reach now.

Boromir: Forgive me. I did not see it. I have failed you all.

Strider: No, Boromir. You fought bravely. You have kept your honor. (Is about to take an arrow out of him)

Boromir: Leave it. It is over. The world of men will fall. And all will come to darkness. My city to ruin.

Strider: I do not know what strength is in my blood. But I swear to you, I will not let the White City fall. Nor our people fail.

Boromir: Our people. Our people. (Strider gives him his horn)

Legolas and Gimli enter and see Strider leaning over Boromir. They both look very upset.

Boromir: I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king. (He dies)

Strider: Be at peace, son of Gondor. (He kisses his forehead)

Legolas falls to the ground in tears, Gimli pulls a hankie out of his suit of armor and wipes at his eyes, then pats Legolas on the back.

Frodo is seen standing by the boats.

Sam: Frodo! (still running in the woods, towards the shore)

Frodo is holding the ring on the palm of his hand, looking at it.

In Frodo’s head-

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.

Frodo closes his hand over the ring, and sets out in one of the boats.

Sam: (Reaches the shore)Frodo, no!!!

Sam runs into the water.

Frodo: (Softly, to himself) No, Sam. (To Sam) Go back, Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone.

Sam: (wading deeper into the water) Of course you are. And I'm coming with you!!

Frodo, tears glistening his eyes, tries not to chuckle at the sweetness of Samwise Gamgee.

Frodo: You can't swim. Sam! (Sam's head goes under water) SAM!

Frodo rows the boat back, and pulls Sam into it.

Sam: I made a promise, Mr Frodo. A promise. Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.

Frodo: Oh, Sam.

They hug each other.

Frodo: Come on, then.

The two of them row off.

Boromir is sailing off in one of the boats.

Legolas: Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore.

He begins to push a boat out into the water. Strider makes no sign of following.

Legolas: You mean not to follow them.

Strider: Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands.

Gimli: Then it has all been in vain. The fellowship has failed.

Strider: (Walks over to Legolas and Gimli, and places his hands on their shoulders) Not if we hold true to each other.

Gimli places his hand onto Strider’s.

Strider: We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Not while we have strength left. Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let's hunt some orc.

Gimli: YEAH!!!

Legolas smiles and they run off.

Frodo and Sam are seen looking over to Mordor, on the top of a hill.

Frodo: Mordor. I hope the others find a safer road.

Sam: Strider will look after them.

Frodo: I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.

Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.

Frodo: Sam. (smiles) I'm glad you're with me.

Sam and Frodo begin to descend the mountain.

Sauron: Wait! Wait up! (runs onto scene and looks down at Frodo and Sam)

Sam: (angry) What?

Sauron: You can’t finish this now! You have to wait.

Frodo: Why?

Sauron: Because…I don’t know, you just do.

Frodo: (skeptical) Where is everyone else?

Sauron: Boromir died…

Frodo: (gasp) No! (begins to cry) He was an ass when he tried to take the ring…but what a good guy.

Sam: (wiping eyes) Yeah.

Sauron: Legolas, Strider and Gimli have gone off to fight orc and save Merry and Pippin who were captured.

Frodo: Shit.

Sam: Man.

Sauron: (shrugs) Yes, well. You can go back to your lives and I’ll collect you when I’m ready for you to continue on this adventure.

Frodo: When’ll that be?

Sauron: (deep, deep bass -movie fone guy- voice) This Christmas…the journey continues. In The Two Towers.

The End. (For Now)

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