Chapter Ten ~*~ The Sexual Frustrations of a Certain Mr. Bloom ~*~

It was minutes before Orlando walked up the aisle to wait for his bride. He had his long hair tied at the nape of his neck rather neatly. “Alright there Orlando? Got some pre-wedding jitters?” Viggo asked.

Orlando looked up at Viggo, “Vig, I haven’t gotten any action from my girl in two months! TWO!” He said holding up the respective two fingers. He cleared his throat and shook this from his mind. “I’ll get carpal tunnel!”

“Didn’t Raya plan ahead for that unfortunate event?” Viggo asked, laughing hysterically, mercilessly really. “I think I read something about the unisex washrooms being closed for cleaning today at the hotel you’ve put us all in.”

“Good lord! That’s why I’m going to marry her!” Orlando said realizing this. He stood up and adjusted his tux. “How do I look?”

“Like a fish out of water.” Viggo commented, eyes darting towards Orlando’s mustache and long hair. “Now go on out there, I’m sure Raya will be out…in an hour.”

Orlando stood at the altar, Viggo behind him with his hand giving him some sort of support. He took some deep breaths, seeing the brides room open, Billy and Dom scuttling out after having brought Richard in. The music began, rather softly as Liberty came down the aisle first. Orlando turned to Dom, giving him a thumbs up. Dom only grinned like a schoolboy stuck in an all-girls school. Anaka came next, as though she was on the cat walk. “Is that normal?” Orlando heard Dom ask.

Viggo turned to Dom and with a very solemn motion, shook his head. Elizabeth, next, her not so dark as Raya’s hair glimmering with, well, glitter. “Viggo, why do I want to puke?” Orlando asked, as Elizabeth walked stately down the aisle and into her position.

Viggo laughed humorously, patting Orlando’s back. Then the music stopped, dramatically, (“This is so Raya.” Dom sighed.) and then it began again as they watched Raya, tiara sparkling brightly, her dark hair behind her back. Her father couldn’t look any more proud, then again, he was wearing a silly grin on his face. Orlando’s breathing became shallow as she approached the stage. “Orlando, you’re going to pass out if you keep breathing like that.”

Orlando didn’t respond and instead, took Raya’s arm as she took her spot on the altar. Orlando couldn’t’ have been less patient as he waited for the priest to get to the vows. Raya thought writing their own vows was silly (“What’s wrong with what the church has been using since forever?” She said to him), and it wasn’t until he heard his name that he responded with an overenthusiastic “Yup!” Nudged by Viggo, actually more like painfully elbowed, he gave the correct response of “I do—Geez Vig.”

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The priest said proudly. With that, Orlando dipped her as he kissed her deeply. They practically ran out of the church, without a look back and into their limousine.

“Won’t people be wondering what we’re doing?” Orlando asked as he fixed Raya’s train. “I mean, with the reception being three hours later?”

“Oh they can put two and two together.” Raya said before kissing him.

Grinning cheekily as they entered the reception hall at the hotel, they were showered with congratulations’ making their way to their table. Viggo leaned over to Orlando “You could’ve taken any longer?”

“It could have been, had I known how to take the corset off.” Orlando snickered. “Now, I’m starved.”

“Three guesses why.” Viggo muttered.

The reception went off without a hitch, if you exclude Billy’s complete butchering of a lovely song, dedicated to Elijah for that matter. And despite Orlando’s demands to stay at the hotel in England, they found themselves on an airplane to India. Raya lay curled up under Orlando’s arm as they sat in first class on the fourteen hour flight.

“We didn’t get to open our presents.” Orlando mused, as he played with her curls.

“Well I can tell you what I got from mother and daddy.” Raya said, tracing circles on his chest. “We’ve got ourselves a nice new house in Kensington. Furnished and everything. Daddy’s had movers put all of my furniture there and all of your clothes from your flat are there as well.”

“Our own house? House?” Orlando repeated. “A house?”

“You couldn’t have made it any clearer.” Raya laughed.

“So, who does know where we’re going?” Orlando asked finally, after thinking to himself for several minutes.

“Anaka, but I figured no one would ask her unless they were desperate.” Raya replied. “And so, I can expect we’ll have a lovely two week honeymoon. No interruptions.”

~*~

The second evening on their honeymoon, they still hadn’t left their hotel room. In a brief resting period, Raya had a confused look on her face. “What is it love? Upset stomach?”

“No, lack of it. I’m supposed to be cramping like on our wedding night, blasted women cycles.” Raya said. Orlando covered his ears. “Oh don’t worry, love, just a little confused as to why the cramping stopped.”

“Say it, just say it. I am the man.” Orlando grinned. “Only Orlando can impregnate his wife this early in the honeymoon.”

“Well I’m sure that other people have beaten you to the---“ She was cut off by a kiss. “Well that’s not fair.”

On the eighth day of their honeymoon they found themselves rudely interrupted by Billy, Dom and Liberty, and a rather disgruntled looking Elijah. The latter of the four looking very haggard, though Billy was rather chipper in asking Orlando and Raya to name their child after him.

It was after they left that Orlando and Raya stared at each other in blank confusion. “Did that just happen?” Orlando asked, pointing at the door. His eyes looking as though they were still trying to register the situation.

“Yes it did… and it seems we should’ve told more people different stories.” Raya replied. “Or at least have told Anaka two places.”

“They still would have found us, you know.” Orlando said, taking his robe off before sliding into the bed. “Now, Raya love, have you been eating enough fruit? I don’t think you have.” He took a slice of pineapple off of their breakfast tray and gingerly, which is an understatement, fed it to her.

The next day found Orlando and Raya actually outside of their hotel room and in a part of India called Varansi for a day trip. Every half hour, Raya found herself being forced to eat some form of fruit. “Orlando, have you not seen the movie Cast Away?”

“I have, why?” Orlando asked, now skinning a fig as they made their way to view the Ganges river.

“Well, he eats coconuts way too many times and ends up losing teeth does he not?” Raya asked, reluctantly taking the skinned fig.

Putting his Swiss Army Knife (courtesy of Black Hawk Down) away, he responded, “Only because that tooth was already bad anyway. And besides, you’re not eating just fruit.”

“Yes the baby also needs meat, lots of meat and green stuff.” Raya replied. “Now, my nanny told me that this river washes away ones sins, and that you should only drink it before your death.”

”Well it looks a little iffy to begin with.” Orlando said, following Raya to the riverbank. She looked rather like a transplanted local wearing the traditional sari. He watched as Raya took some of the river water into a small container. “What do you plan on doing with that water?”

“Well, since I obviously can’t bathe in it wearing this sari and having all these men around, we’re bathing in this at the hotel.” Raya said. “Now, there are some lovely local restaurants that we just HAVE to try.”

“And you’re not going to dump mayonnaise all over everything this time are you?” Orlando asked, remembering their last meal in which it was basmati rice covered with Chicken Masala, and Raya poured every single little mayonnaise pack onto her plate. Orlando could distinctly remember turning away at dinner because he couldn’t take looking at it.

“No, silly, I won’t. And besides, I don’t crave mayonnaise right now. Now I want some ice cream with ketchup all over it.” Raya replied, giving Orlando a grin. He had stopped walking and had paled. “Oh, I’m only joking, love.”

On the second to the last day in India, Raya received a rather prophetic, prophetic is too strong a word, a rather distressed Billy warning of Anaka’s impending destruction of the lonesome Dominic, pining away for Liberty. “Billy, trust me, they’ll be fine.”

“Oh you say that, you’re not looking at the actual Dominic.” Billy replied. “And anyway, you’ve been wrong before.”

“Just recently anyway.” Raya replied. “Look, you’re ringing up the phone bill, we’ll see you in two days. Perhaps three so we can get our jet lag out of the way.”

“How about four so we can christen the new place?” Orlando asked, speaking as close to the receiver as possible.

“You Blooms are impossible! Dominic is going to be attacked by the wicked witch woman and all you can think about is SEX?” Billy asked frantically in hushed tones.

“Naturally.” Orlando said with an air of nonchalance.

“So, Billy dear, we’ll just be seeing you soon.” Raya said, delicately hanging up the receiver.

The day of their flight had Orlando sexually frustrated. He greeted his wife that morning with a rather throaty “Good morning.”

“Orlando, not now, my body’s all swollen and my boobs hurt.” Raya said, turning in half sleep, curling towards Orlando for heat. “And that doesn’t call for your intervention either.”

“Can I at least bathe you?” Orlando asked, a hint of mischief in his voice. “Please, love?”

“Oh fine, why the hell not? I smell rather rank anyway.” Raya said, getting out of bed and rubbing her back.

At the airport, despite Orlando’s attempts to quell her from buying the magazine in hopes of keeping the baby secret from the paparazzi, Raya bought a pregnancy magazine, a rather thick copy too. “What? It’s a fourteen hour flight and I’m not going to sleep the whole way through. I’d rather you be reading with me anyway, Orlando.”

Orlando sighed and sat at the gate with her, wearing khakis and a black knit turtleneck, he had his jacket laying across his lap with his matching black scarf. Raya was dressed in all black with a red scarf knotted and hanging neatly at her neck. “Oh look at this, it says that American Witherspoon girl had her first baby at twenty four as well. Shame her husband isn’t very tall.”

“What’s height got to do with it?” Orlando asked, his arm laying comfortably on Raya’s shoulders.

“They’re going to have rather short children are they not?” Raya asked. “And it’s time for us to board.”

Their arrival, though fourteen hours later, was rather silent and inconspicuous as they rushed out of the airport and to their brand new flat, collapsing on the bed with fatigue.

“Remind me, love, on the next vacation, that we give the old back a little bit of a rest.” Orlando mused, as Raya lay next to him, his hand now resting on her stomach.