Porn Stars

Elijah came out of the bathroom with his hands held out to his sides and a huge grin on his lips; upon seeing him, Dom snorted and therefore caused milk to run out of his nose. Not a very pleasant experience. Elijah started giggling uncontrollably at Dom's lack of control in the fluid department.

"Dude, you're supposed to drink it, not snort it."

Ignoring this statement, Dom shook his head and wiped his mouth. "Elijah, what the bloody hell have you got on!?"

Elijah frowned, looking down at the outfit he'd taken numerous hours picking out, and even more hours deciding the color scheme. "A pillowcase."

Counting to ten, Dom responded calmly, "And this would be because...."

A shining grin. "I'm Dobby!"

"Oh, Jesus." Dom put a hand to his forehead and bounced back onto the bed. �You realize it�s not Halloween, yeah?�

�Sure,� Elijah replied cheerily. �But there�s nothing wrong with having theme days! You can dress up as Hagrid! Or, maybe Ron?�

Dom blinked. �I don�t look a thing like either of them.�

�Well, do I look like Dobby?�

Dom surveyed him for a moment. �A bit, yeah. Round the ears.�

Elijah narrowed his eyes at him. �I can change if you don�t want to be seen with me.�

Swallowing back the reply he�d have liked to have used (�Of course I don�t, you wanker.�), Dom smiled benignly and said, �No. It�s fine. You look very�festive.�

Resisting the urge to clap (in a very gay fashion), Elijah smiled broadly and grabbed his jacket from the closet. �Where are we going?�

�I�dunno.� He cocked his head to the side and peered at Elijah from under his eyelashes. �Where can you go dressed as an animated character?�

�He�s only an animated character in the movie. In the book, he�s a house elf.�

�Right.� Dom felt like he was talking to a very slow person, or small child. �Then, where can you go dressed as a house elf?�

Elijah perched himself on the end of the bed, near Dom�s feet. �Pretty much anywhere, I�m sure. Maybe not the zoo.�

Dom�s brow creased in confusion. �Why not the zoo?�

�They�d capture me, of course! And put me on display!�

Sitting up, Dom stared at him as if he�d finally really lost his mind. �Elijah, are you feeling all right?�

�I�m perfectly fine, thanks. Are you ready to go?�

He stood up from the bed and went to retrieve his jacket from a chair in the corner. �I�m ready. Do you want to put a pair of trousers on, or something?�

Elijah looked down at himself, and then back up at Dom. �No. Why?�

�It�s about twenty degrees outside. I don�t know if you�ll be warm enough.� He cringed when Elijah patted him chastely on the cheek and began rummaging through his drawers for a pair of pants that would match his pillowcase. �Maybe you could put a sweater on, too.�

�It�s lovely that you care so much about me, Dom,� Elijah smiled.

Dom didn�t dare tell him it was because he was afraid the police would haul Elijah into jail for exposing himself in public, while they were walking down the street. The pillowcase left not much to the imagination; had Elijah been about two inches taller, Dom would have been able to tell if he was wearing boxers, or briefs.

Elijah was pulling a pair of jeans on, and then shrugging into a red t-shirt while Dom tried to figure the entire situation out. The pillowcase was no longer visible, and Dom let out a sigh of relief that Elijah couldn�t hear, because he was singing quietly to himself.

�What are you singing?� Dom asked, as they walked out into the living room.

�Clay Aiken,� Elijah responded lightly, grabbing his keys off the kitchen table. �I think we should go rent a movie.�

�Okay,� Dom replied slowly. Clay Aiken had never been heard by Elijah�s ears, that Dom was aware of; the American Idol star was not even allowed to be played in the apartment. Dom assumed Elijah must have picked it up on the streets or something. �Are you sure you�re all right? You�re not ill, are you?�

�Nope. I�m perfectly healthy.�

Rolling his eyes in a �Yeah, right� kind of way, Dom pushed Elijah out of the apartment.

�Where are we going, Dom?� Elijah asked as they walked down the street; he hooked his arm through Dom�s and would have skipped along ala The Wizard of Oz, but Dom was dragging his feet.

�To rent videos, I thought,� Dom replied, picking up his pace as Elijah skipped along beside him. �Did you happen to snort anything this morning, Elijah? Anything at all?�

�Not that I recall�� his voice drifted away as he thought. �OOOH! Can we rent Harry Potter!?�

Dom laughed slightly. �You own Harry Potter. Both. On DVD. And, I think, on VHS as well.�

�Can we watch it, then?�

�I suppose.� Dom pushed a door open to his left and he and Elijah entered the dimly lit video store. �We�ve gotta rent something we�ve never seen, though.� As per their weekly routine, the two of them rented at least one video they had never seen before, and then watched it together, critiqued it, and returned it. Sure, it was a vaguely regular type of exercise, but it gave them something to do.

Dom was set on renting �Lost in Translation� because he hadn�t gotten to the theatre to see it, and was desperate to catch another great Bill Murray performance; Elijah had mentioned that he wanted to see that one as well, but seemed dead set on Harry Potter, instead. Dom wasn�t sure what he�d accidentally put in Elijah�s tea that morning.

Dom wondered through the new releases as he looked back to that morning. Two lumps of sugar? Yes. One tea bag? Yes. Irish Breakfast Blend? Yes. Milk? No. Cocaine/Crack? No, definitely not.

Elijah bounced over to him, carrying a DVD. �Hey, how about this one?�

Dom took the proffered DVD and examined it; he looked back up at Elijah, a bemused expression on his face. �Elijah, this looks suspiciously like one of your movies.�

�I know; don�t I look lovely?� Elijah tapped his finger on his likeness on the DVD cover.

�Yeah, and so does the dolphin. But we�ve seen this at least a hundred times.� He handed it back, watching Elijah�s hopeful face. �But I guess one-hundred-one isn�t too bad.� He paused, ready to reach out and look at the back of a �Second Hand Lions� DVD. �Wait. Haven�t you got your own copy of that at home?�

�I have two, actually.� Elijah shrugged. �We�ll just watch mine, I guess.� Elijah walked off, to put the DVD back on the shelf from which it came, and Dom continued down the line, mentally ticking off movies in his head that they�d already seen.

After a few moments, something caught Dom�s attention; most of the movie was hidden beneath a yellow piece of cardboard, but the title stuck out. It made Dom stop in his tracks, pull the movie off its shelf, and gape at it looking more like a goldfish than a hobbit.

�Who? What? How? When? Ohmygod.� Dom put his free hand to his mouth, shock clearly written on his face; Elijah walked up behind him, looking curious.

�What�s that you�ve got, Dom?� Elijah peered over his shoulder and a stern voice suddenly came from his mouth. �What are you doing in the Over 18 section, Dominic?�

�I was just walking round�� Dom gesticulated meekly. �Found this.� He pressed the video into Elijah�s hands, feeling ill.

�What�s this?� Elijah questioned, turning it over in his hands. �It looks like a porn�� He stopped suddenly and put a hand to his mouth. �What the fuck!?�

�I see you�re momentarily back to yourself. Shock does that to you, I suppose.� Dom took the movie back; he shook his head, trying to form a sentence or two. �How�d this�how?�

Elijah shrugged, reading the back of the movie that was sitting comfortably in Dom�s outstretched hands. �A game of Tig results in---Oh, fuck.�

�Is that what it says?� Dom asked, curiously craning his head towards the video. �Results in nakedness? What the hell kind of summary is that?�

�A porn one?� Elijah suggested lightly.

�But how?�

�I don�t know.�

�Is it a manip?�

�Possibly.�

�We�ve never filmed---�

�No.�

�I never signed up to be the next Paris Hilton, Elijah. Or Pamela Anderson, either.�

�Well, neither did I!� Elijah was getting a bit worried now, and it was obvious.

�What the bloody hell, then?� Dom�s voice was gathering octaves at an alarming rate. Pretty soon, he�d sound like a six year old girl who wore pigtails. �DomLijah. I can�t believe this---�

�Me either.�

A shrill question, �What are we going to do?�

Elijah shrugged. �I don�t know. Um, claim it�s fake?�

�It IS fake!�

�How do you know that? You haven�t watched it!�

�I know, but we never�you never�I never�we didn�t release a porn film!�

�Not to my knowledge.�

�How are you so fucking calm?!�

�I just am.� Elijah shrugged. �It�s not a big deal. I bet a bunch of fan girls put it together.�

Dom�s eyes widened. �WHAT?!� He opened and closed his mouth several times. �But fan girls are so sweet, and innocent.�

�Oh, God, Dom, what�d you do?�

He shrugged, attempting an innocent expression on his guilty looking face. �I met these two girls last week. Their names were just initials, it was very odd. But they were so nice, and cute, and we got to talking, and---�

Elijah was amazingly calm. �What?�

�I think they stalked me! Yeah, that�s it! They followed me home, and camped out, and took video of us!�

Elijah rose an eyebrow. �You realize you sound completely paranoid, and completely insane?�

Dom�s face looked deflated. �Yeah, but it might be true.�

Elijah let out a long, dramatic sigh. �I just wish it was called Lijinic instead.�

A few moments later, which mostly consisted of Dom glaring at Elijah, and Elijah glaring back in what he supposed was a �menacing� way but was really just causing Dom to laugh inwardly, two girls came around the corner.

�Hello,� Dom greeted them, bowing slightly and putting on his trademark grin. Even in situations as dire as this one, he could still be charming to the ladies. He told Elijah once that it was his one gift; that, and the ability to act whilst simultaneously eating apples.

�Hi,� one girl said, smiling at him; the other girl was busy looking at titles on the wall.

�We�ve met before, haven�t we?� Dom asked curiously, grinning still.

Elijah�s eyes widened, and he would have muttered and pointed obviously at them, but figured that might scare them away.

�Yes, I think we have. I�m N.� She held her hand out to him. �And this is G.�

�Ohhhhh, yes,� Dom smiled at them both. �The Initial Girls.�

�That�s us,� G remarked cheerfully.

�This is Elijah,� Dom said eventually, once Elijah stomped on his foot quite hard. �And he has just crushed my pinky toe, which is the most important of toes.�

�Yes, it is!� G enthused. �It helps with balance.�

Elijah eyed her cautiously, and shook N�s hand. �It�s, ah, nice to meet you. I guess.�

�Elijah doesn�t do charming,� Dom explained, looking slightly angry.

N smiled brightly. �That�s alright. He�s hot, so it makes up for it.�

Elijah cocked an eyebrow. �Thanks. I think.�

�See?� Dom pointed at him. �Completely oblivious to the fact that he is the most ungentlemanly person in the world.�

He rolled his eyes heavenwards. �Do shut up, Dom.�

�Would you two ladies like to get a spot of lunch?� Dom questioned, ignoring Elijah quite blatantly.

G and N both opened their mouths to speak (probably to say a very enthusiastic �yes!�) but Elijah cut them off. �You�re going to go to lunch with the two girls who illegally filmed us and then sold the video?�

�What are you going on about?� N asked, her eyes narrowed.

�He thinks two fan girls filmed us, and then sold the video to this store. Or many stores; we haven�t checked yet.� Dom rolled his eyes and laughed, to show how ridiculous this notion was. �Of course you two wouldn�t. You�re too adorable and innocent for such things.�

�That�s quite right,� G remarked, nodding. They both grinned, showcasing their �adorable and innocent� selves.

Elijah sighed heavily; he was not buying it. �How�d this get here, then?� He thrust the video into the girls hands; they examined it with more or less stoic faces. Now and again one of their lips would twitch, which suggested they were trying hard not to a.) squeal, or b.) laugh. Or maybe both.

�I�m not sure how it got here, exactly, but it looks like a porno.� N shrugged and handed the movie back.

�And a good one at that.� G stated seriously.

�Yes, naked Tig and all that.�

�Sounds like jolly good fun.�

�You�re not British,� Elijah said sternly to G.

�Neither are you, but that doesn�t stop you using the lingo.�

�Good point,� Dom jumped into the conversation; he figured in a fight, if it should occur, that Elijah would get his arse kicked. �Elijah, be nice to the ladies. I know there�s a gentlemanly bone down there somewhere; so use it.�

The girls were on such good behavior, that they didn�t even snicker when Dom said �bone.�

�So,� Dom clasped his hands together excitedly. �Sushi, anyone?�

N and G both nodded enthusiastically. It didn�t matter if they wanted sushi or not, they�d have said yes to whatever Dom proposed. Elijah stood sternly with the video in his hand, and an annoyed expression on his face.

�Moments ago, Dominic, you were complaining about this video being out in the open. Now you�re inviting the culprits out for SUSHI!?� His voice was rather high by the end of the sentence, which made both girls hold back giggles.

�That�s right, Elijah. I, unlike you, can get over things.� He grinned at the two girls, pointing at Elijah in an �Oh, poor fool� kind of fashion.

Letting out a long breath, Elijah set the movie back. �Okay. I don�t care it�s here, either. It�s obviously fake.�

�It must be, if you two aren�t together.� N said reasonably.

�No, we�re not really,� Dom agreed, linking his arms with both the girls� and guiding them out of the store; Elijah brought up the rear.

�I would like to know if it was you two who did it, though,� Elijah said while they waited for a cab.

�It most certainly was not,� G told him honestly. �I haven�t the slightest idea how to work a video thingy.�

�Me either,� N nodded quickly. �And I don�t know how to selectively walk behind anyone, either.�

Elijah looked at them both suspiciously, but couldn�t speak as Dom was busy asking them about themselves, and if they�d be interested in having a game of Tig after lunch.

�Strip Tig would be fun,� Dom mused, ushering the girls into a cab that had just pulled up once Elijah hailed it. �Elijah�s got on a Dobby costume underneath his clothes.�

�Dobby? From Harry Potter?� G questioned, glancing at Elijah oddly.

�Why?� N asked curiously.

Elijah put his nose into the air and sniffed pompously. �Because it makes me feel pretty.�

The girls exchanged mischievous looks, and G began singing. �I feel pretty.�

N joined in. �Oh, so pretty.�

Dom grinned, and belted it out. �I feel pretty and witty and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!�

Elijah put on his best annoyed face and stared out the window, plotting ways he could get them back.

And, oh yes, he would get them back.