Muggle Movies 03 : The Prisoner
Part One - Dirty Dancing and Some Other Strange Things
Things would be a little different this year. Rather than experience the Harry Potter movies with Muggles, Dumbledore made the very important decision to have them view the newest movie in the series by themselves. Of course, they would be at a Muggle movie theatre, but the “Viewing Room” as Dumbledore called it, would be filled with Hogwarts students. This way, Dumbledore wouldn’t have to spend numerous hours after the movie modifying Muggle’s memories. He thought this would be well received among the Slytherin students invited, but was unsure of how the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students would feel.
One Hermione Granger, of Gryffindor, was extremely put-out. It would ruin the whole thing having to see the movie with just her classmates and fellow witches and wizards. She had been looking forward to experiencing the world of Harry Potter with Muggles all year, and would surely write a very stern letter to the Headmaster. Unless Ron stopped her, of course, which he planned to do even though he, too, wanted to see the movie with those crazy Muggles.
Harry Potter, also of Gryffindor and incidentally the reason the movies were made in the first place, was completely behind Dumbledore 100%. He hated going to the Muggle theatres for the past two movies. Everyone always stared at his scar.
Draco Malfoy, self-appointed King of Slytherin, for once in his entire life agreed with Harry Potter. This was not to leave the dormitory, however, because if anyone spread this rumor, Draco was ready to Avada Kedavra their ass, and the asses of their friends and family members, if necessary.
No one else’s opinions really mattered because they were more or less unimportant to the plot.
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome everyone!
There is a rumble of applause (from those students who were a bit…‘slow’.) and some grumblings from the Slytherins. They had to get up early just to listen to this old coot on a Saturday morning when they had been up late the previous night planning their Taking Over The World things. And they were not pleased.
DRACO: Headmaster, what the bloody---(Pansy Parkinson hit him over the head with her rather large handbag) OW! Why, you little---
SNAPE: (menacingly) Malfoy.
DRACO: (clears throat) Headmaster, I was just wondering if you could please tell us what we’re doing here in the Great Hall at this ungodly hour on a SATURDAY.
DUMBLEDORE: (smiling) Why, Draco, I would be happy to tell you, since you asked so nicely. Everyone gathered in this room will be going with myself and Professors McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick and a few randomly chosen wizards who don’t belong here to view the newest installment in the Harry Potter movie series. It is entitled The Prisoner of Azkaban and---yes, Mr Weasley?
RON: (puts hand down) But you said yesterday that we’re not going to be viewing any more films with Muggles.
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, that’s correct. We’ll have a viewing room of our very own. Now, then. Everyone get a finger on this ridiculously tiny portkey. My, what an interesting shape it is. What would you call this, Minerva?
McGONAGALL: A square, Albus.
SNAPE: (elbowing some children out of the way) It looks more like a rectangle to me.
McGONAGALL: Then perhaps you need glasses.
SNAPE: (glares) Perhaps you do.
McGONAGALL: (wiggles glasses) I have some already, thank you.
DUMBLEDORE: Gather around, children! (holds out video casette tape of ‘Dirty Dancing’) Grab hold of the film!
DRACO: Where on earth did you get that thing?
DUMBLEDORE: (grinning) It’s from my personal Muggle video collection, Mr Malfoy. There, now, does everyone have a finger on it?
COLIN or DENNIS CREEVY: (bounces up and down in the back somewhere) I don’t! I don’t!
DUMBLEDORE: Will someone help that little Creevy boy up to the front?
There are grunts and mumblings as Colin or Dennis Creevy is passed on top of the crowd to the front of the group. It looks a bit like a Muggle concert (crowd surfing, she thinks it‘s called) but only Hermione thinks so since everyone else is too busy wondering what ‘Dirty Dancing’ is.
DRACO: I knew he was mad as a hatter. (Laughs) Wait until I tell father about this.
CRABBE: About what?
DRACO: That pornographic video tape thingy he has.
GOYLE: Who has?
DRACO: Oh, for God’s sake.
There is a slight pull on everyone’s belly buttons (Crabbe and Goyle laugh oddly, as they are extremely ticklish cronies) and suddenly everyone is plonked into an empty and dark theatre somewhere in England. (Or maybe Romania or Russia or even Germany. No one knew for sure)
DUMBLEDORE: (gleefully) Everyone please take your seats!
SIRIUS: Where shall I sit?
HARRY: (shocked) What are you doing here!?
For the purpose of this story, Sirius Black is not dead, but is still on the run from the Ministry.
SIRIUS: I came to see you on screen! (he claps Harry on the back) Let’s find seats together!
RON: (Pointing and jumping) Over here, Harry! Oi, Sirius!! Good to see you, you old dog!
SIRIUS: (clears throat) Let’s not mention dogs, okay? I had a run-in with a Chihuahua this morning. It was not pretty.
HERMIONE: But Chihuahuas are really tiny, aren’t they?
SIRIUS: (odd look) Yes. Well. Oh, look, previews!
RON: (confused) The screen is blank.
SIRIUS: Oh.
SNAPE: Hello, Black. (sits behind them)
SIRIUS: Oh great.
PANSY: Professor Snape, what is that escaped convict doing here?
SNAPE: Looks like he’s trying to treat his fleas, Miss Parkinson.
SIRIUS: (scratching) That doesn’t even make sense, Severus.
SNAPE: So sue me. I can’t come up with good comebacks ALL the time.
DRACO: You should read the book I’ve just finished. It’s called “Mean Things To Say To Very Nice People” and it’s got some wonderful stuff in there. I’ll loan it to you.
SNAPE: (surprised) Uh…thanks.
HARRY: (turning in his seat) Did you just say ‘wonderful?’
DRACO: (glaring) No.
RON: (whispering to Harry) He SO did.
HERMIONE: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (flips page in Muggle teen magazine) Wow, you look good, Ron.
RON: (beams) Thanks!
HERMIONE: I mean…Rupert. (points to picture of Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe) Daniel is awfully cute.
DRACO: (leaning closely) Danielle?
HARRY: (stares) Shut up.
SNAPE: Fifty trillion points from Gryffindor.
HARRY: (huffs) Bastard.
SNAPE: What?
HARRY: Master! You are the master of taking points off!
RON: (snorts) Good save.
PANSY: (taps Hermione on the shoulder) Is Sean Biggerstaff in this one?
HERMIONE: (thinks) No, I read that he wasn’t.
PANSY: (outraged) WHAT!?!?!
DRACO: It’s okay, Pans. I’m in it.
PANSY: (outraged) I cannot believe he’s not in it!
HERMIONE: (sadly) I know.
GINNY: Even I was looking forward to seeing him, and I only have eyes for Harry apparently.
NEVILLE: Do you think there will be snacks?
GINNY: When did you get here?
LUNA: About twenty minutes ago. We flew on a Snuffty.
HARRY: (rolls eyes)
RON: (rolls eyes)
HERMIONE: (rolls eyes)
LUPIN: I brought snacks! (hands random food to everyone within a five mile radius) What have I missed?
SIRIUS: (munching on some M&M’s) Nothing. It’s a blank screen.
LUPIN: How…entertaining.
TONKS: What are you doing here?
LUPIN: What are YOU doing here?
TONKS: I don’t know.
LUPIN: Well, I don’t either.
DUMBLEDORE: (eating Sherbet lemon and adjusting hat so Dennis/Colin Creevy can see the screen) As I said before, there will be many random people joining us. It’s part of the fun. Here, have a sherbet lemon.
McGONAGALL: (recoils) No thank you. I’m allergic.
SNAPE: (laughs) You use that excuse for everything.
McGONAGALL: (raises eyebrow) Be quiet, Severus. You’re drunk.
SNAPE: I most certainly am not!
SIRIUS: (happily) Oh drink up, you slimey git.
DRACO: (bored) Give me that stick thing Goyle.
GOYLE: (stupidly) Eh?
PANSY: It’s a Twizzler.
DRACO: Give me your Twizzler, Goyle. I’m going to flick bits of it at Potter’s huge head.
HARRY: (gives Draco the finger) Oh, go to Muggle Hell.
DRACO: THAT was uncalled for.
SNAPE: Eighty points from Gryffindor.
RON: (whispering) I think we’re in the hole.
HERMIONE: Possibly Gryffindor now has a negative 8 trillion points.
RON: We can’t go into the negatives.
HERMIONE: Surely we can.
LUNA: Do you see that spotted multi-colored zebra on the screen, there, Ronald?
RON: (confused) I see black.
LUNA: Yes! You do see it!
RON: (confused still) Er. Okay.
DUMBLEDORE: When will the previews start?
PANSY: Soon. We’ve been here about three hours.
HERMIONE: It’s been about twenty minutes.
PANSY: It’s still too long of a wait.
Just then, the previews begin, causing everyone for the first (and probably last) time to be silent. Except Draco, who keeps ordering Crabbe and Goyle to break off bits of Twizzler so he can fling it at unsuspecting people in front of him.
Muggle Movies 03 : The Prisoner
Part Two - Playing With Your Wand
Opening scene; main title and clouds.
HERMIONE: You know what’s interesting?
RON: (sigh) How many times do you think you’ll say that throughout the viewing of this film?
HERMIONE: About fifty. I was thinking how pretty those clouds were and what a nice start to a movie it is.
Harry is in bed, under the covers, with his wand; he keeps saying “Lumos Maximus!”
DRACO: Potter, are you playing with your wand?
Harry decides to ignore the obvious double entendre.
PANSY: (giggling) Dan got so attractive.
DRACO: (holding back laughter) Potter, what ARE you doing?
HARRY: (angrily) Practicing, I suspect.
RON: OI! Look out, Harry! There’s a Dursley! Oh, good, you pretended to be asleep. Well done, mate.
HARRY: (grumbling) I didn’t do that in real life.
DRACO: Thank Merlin for that. You’re not that bright, are you, Potter.
RON: Stuff it, Malfoy.
PANSY: Draco, be quiet. Look at all that hotness on the screen and just concentrate on it. Do some yoga, maybe.
DRACO: Some what?
PANSY: Yoga. I read about it Hogwarts, A History.
HERMIONE: (turns around in seat) There was no mention of yoga in that book. I’ve read it one-hundred and eight times.
PANSY: Okay. Fine. Maybe it was in some other book I’ve read.
DRACO: I didn’t know you could read.
RON: (laughing) HAHA! You said that in the Chamber of Secrets movie!
PANSY: (offended) Of course I can read. I’m not Goyle.
DRACO: (laughing) Ahhh, so true.
GOYLE: Eh?
CRABBE: Eh.
DENNIS/COLIN CREEVY: Harry! Harry! I see you there on the screen!
HARRY: That’s nice, Dennis.
COLIN CREEVY: I’m Colin!
DENNIS CREEVY: I’m Dennis!
RON: (pulling eyes away from screen) Bloody hell, you two look alike.
DENNNIS & COLIN CREEVY: We’re brothers!
HARRY, HERMIONE, DRACO, PANSY, GINNY: WE KNOW!
Everyone turns back to the screen; the Creevy brothers get out some very advanced Muggle cameras and video equipment and start videoing the movie and everyone in the theatre.
Tonks, out of boredom, beings to change the color of her hair. There’s really no reason for her to be there, anyway, as she doesn’t appear until Book 5. Lupin and Sirius are engrossed in a very serious conversation about chemistry sets (Snape listens intently) and Dumbledore placidly eats his sherbet lemons while McGonagall grades papers.
GINNY: Who is THAT?
HARRY: That’s Aunt Marge.
RON: Good Lord, she’s a big-boned lady.
DRACO: I suspect it reminds you of your mum, Weasley?
GINNY: Shut it, Malfoy.
HARRY: She’s nothing like Mrs Weasley.
NEVILLE: Luna, what are you doing?
LUNA: (putting wand behind ear) Reading my horoscope. It says here in the Quibbler that great danger will befall me before the Christmas holidays.
HERMIONE: (tutting) That’s a bit vague, isn’t it. Lots of leeway there.
NEVILLE: What does mine say?
LUNA: That you will fall down a pit and be eaten by Pirates.
NEVILLE: Oh no!
HERMIONE: Neville, it’s a bunch of cr---
DUMBLEDORE: (interrupting) Harry, your aunt is quite atrocious.
HARRY: (grumbling) I know.
Harry: She deserved what she got!
PANSY: Oooooh I really quite fancy the pants off DanRad.
HERMIONE: Hmmm. DanRad. I like that.
PANSY: (nodding) Yes, I just came up with it.
DRACO: Are you going to play some more with your wand, Potter?
HARRY: (scowling) No, I’m done for the night, thanks.
RON: Harry, I think he means your---
DUMBLEDORE: (interrupting) Mr. Weasley, would you like a sherbet lemon?
RON: (flushing) Yeah. Thanks.
Harry hears growling and sees very large black dog across the street; falls over trunk. The Knight Bus pulls to a crazy stop in front of him.
SIRIUS: (chuckling) I never did that. I have a good disposition as a dog.
LUPIN: Maybe it’s not you.
TONKS: How many other big black dogs are in the Harry Potter books?
LUPIN: Well, none.
SIRIUS: (smiling) There you have it, Remus.
RON: (blinking rapidly) What the bloody hell is that!
HERMIONE: (seriously) A shrunken head. They come from Latin America primarily. Did you know that during the shrinking process, they would sew up the mouth and eyelids so that the souls couldn’t escape and seek revenge? It’s a very interesting subject, really.
RON: (covering up a yawn) Thanks, Hermione.
HERMIONE: Oh, you’re very welcome. You could borrow my book ‘Shrunken Heads for Dummies’ if you like. Oh! Or, you could have ‘A Brief History of Shrunken Heads.’ It’s only about 987 pages.
RON: Er…(points at screen) Look! It’s some weird bloke!
HARRY: (helpfully) Stan.
RON: Right. Stan. (rolls eyes) That bloke is even stranger looking.
GINNY: It’s supposed to be Tom.
RON: No way!
GINNY: Mmmm. I know. He looks so weird.
RON: I never noticed he was hunchback in real life.
GINNY: (sighing) He isn’t, Ron.
LUNA: Hunchbacks are rather common in Reyaganda.
NEVILLE: Where is that?
LUNA: Somewhere in the south, I believe.
HERMIONE: There is no such place.
DRACO: Shhhh. I’m trying to concentrate on that book to make sure it attacks Potter.
SNAPE: It won’t.
DRACO: Probably not, but one can hope.
SNAPE: (sighing) Hope is all we have left in this world, Malfoy. Hope that one day Potter will be killed most terribly in---(cough) Oh, will you look at that. There’s Weasley and Granger.
DRACO: (wide-eyed) Granger, you’re hot!
PANSY: (staring) Draco, I think you need to be on medication of some sort.
HERMIONE: I look nothing like that.
DRACO: (looks back and forth between screen!Hermione and real!Hermione) No, you’re right.
RON: I actually think you look very similar.
SIRIUS: (considering this) There is a certain quality that they both have.
TONKS: They’re both female.
LUPIN: There you have it!
GINNY: (tiredly) Is this almost over?
DRACO: (laughing) Oh, Little Weasley. It has at least four more hours left.
Muggle Movies 03 : The Prisoner
Part Three - Elephants and Weasleys
Harry: Why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?
DRACO: Only the fact that you’ve done it every other year you’ve been alive.
RON: You do go looking for murderous lunatics pretty often, mate.
Harry glares at Draco (and Ron) and then goes back to picking bits of candy out of his already messy hair. Sirius helps, but not much because he picks out one piece, eats it, and then waits a few minutes before picking out another.
Luna and Ginny are bent over the Quibbler reading some article on the romantic powers of artichokes while everyone else pays close attention to the movie.
RON: That’s a bloody brilliant effect, there.
HERMIONE: You saw it in real life.
RON: I know that. I can still feel the coldness of the ice on my fingertips.
Everyone stares at Ron.
RON: What? I can speak proper English. I make out with Her---(cough) I read a lot.
Ron: Someone’s coming aboard.
RON: (beaming) I’m bloody adorable!
HERMIONE: (thoughtfully) Rupert Grint is adorable.
PANSY: He’s got a certain something, I suppose.
GINNY: (covers eyes) Must not look. Must not look.
LUNA: Oh he is rather cute.
NEVILLE: Where am I?
LUNA: (kindly) You’re in a Muggle movie theatre, Neville.
NEVILLE: No, I mean in the film!
DUMBLEDORE: I’m sure we’ll see you in just a moment. Have another sherbet lemon.
McGONAGALL: (rolls eyes) You’ll rot the poor boy’s teeth, Albus.
SNAPE: Perhaps that will help his Potions grade.
SIRIUS: (in McGonagall voice) Oh, do be quiet, Severus.
TONKS: (curiously) Harry, what’s wrong with you? You look like you’re having a fit.
DRACO: It’s the Dementors! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN POTTER, RUN!
LUPIN: Mr. Malfoy, what is that behind you?
DRACO: (turns quickly around) I don’t see anything.
LUPIN: My mistake. It must have been my eyes. I’m getting old, you know.
DRACO: (glares)
RON: (laughs)
HARRY: (chokes on popcorn kernel)
Seamus enters with Dean Thomas; he struts over to Harry, claps him on the back and dislodges the kernel. Then he and Dean take the empty seats beside Ginny.
SEAMUS: What have I missed? Dean and I had to stop off to get some provisions (whispers) at Fred and George’s shop.
RON: (snickers) Well done, mate. Malfoy could use a few canary creams.
DRACO: Weasley, you look like you’re going to pee your pants.
RON: (looks at screen) No I don’t.
DRACO: Oh, my mistake. That’s just your normal face.
Crabbe and Goyle laugh stupidly; Pansy giggles, then turns back to pay close attention to Daniel Radcliffe. Snape pretends to drop his soda, and it lands on Sirius’ head.
SIRIUS: (gets out of seat, looking like murderous lunatic) You bloody bas---
DUMBLEDORE: Will you look at that. It’s Hogwarts! My, it’s even prettier on screen.
Everyone stares curiously at Dumbledore, who is obviously crazy. Hogwarts Castle on the screen is about 40 times smaller than the real castle.
GINNY: (pensively) You know, Sirius is rather good looking.
HERMIONE: I agree.
HARRY: (rolls eyes) Can we please not talk about my Godfather like that? You can objectify me and Ron and even Malfoy, but please just---
SIRIUS: I am pretty good looking. If I do say so myself. Which I just did.
SNAPE: (muttering) Oh, please.
LUPIN: They’re quite right, Sirius. You have a certain manly charm about you.
Sirius winks at Lupin and then goes back to the movie. Harry looks horrified and elbows Ron, but Ron is too busy staring at himself on the screen.
RON: (disbelieving) Am I that good looking in real life? (poses for Harry and Hermione)
HARRY & HERMIONE: No.
DRACO: (falsely sympathetic) How embarrassing. The Dementors made you pass out. Poor little ickle Potter wants his dead mummy.
McGONAGALL: Fifty points from Gryffindor. I mean Slytherin.
RON: (quietly) McGonagall’s off her rocker.
SIRIUS: (amused) I reckon she just likes the looks of me. (preens, then smiles at McGongall)
McGONAGALL: (blushes)
LUPIN: (horrified) Is that supposed to be me!? I look like an old coot! And I didn’t even say the incantation!
HERMIONE: (outraged) These film makers just do not---
RON: (puts hand over her mouth) Shhh, I’m being funny.
DRACO: You call that funny? My goldfish is funnier, and he has a brain the size of a pea!
LUPIN: I cannot believe I told you to eat that blasted chocolate six times. Did I really do that?
HARRY: No, you were much more helpful.
RON: And a bit less mad looking, as well.
SIRIUS: (laughs) Don’t lie, Ron.
LUPIN: (glares) You don’t look so good yourself, in those posters.
SIRIUS: Yes, but I’m a fugitive, so it’s okay.
DEAN: What the HELL are those things!?
McGONAGALL & SNAPE: Fifty points from Gryffindor!
SNAPE: Watch your mouth, Thomas.
SEAMUS: They’re toads. Right ugly ones. Almost like Trevor.
NEVILLE: (glares) Shut it, Finnigan.
SEAMUS: (chuckles) Oh, Neville, I’m only joking.
Hermione: Of course. That’s why he knew to give you the chocolate, Harry!
DRACO: (rolls eyes) Why must you state the obvious, Granger? And when I yell “Potter!” I don’t mean you, Weasley. Even though you are his lapdog.
RON: Shut up, Malfoy.
SNAPE: Thirty points!
DUMBLEDORE: To Gryffindor for Miss Granger, who told us why Professor Lupin got the DADA job.
SNAPE: (growls)
SIRIUS: (growls back)
SNAPE: Headmaster, can’t we get rid of this fleabag?
DUMBLEDORE: (humming “Double Double Toil and Trouble”) Something wicked this way comes!
GINNY: (quietly) Dumbledore looks like those old hippies Mum always talks about.
RON: You mean the ones she used to be like?
GINNY: (ignoring him) I like this Dumbledore. Ooooh! I like that candle trick!
DRACO: That broad certainly is loud.
GINNY: Did you just call me a BROAD?!
DRACO: No, I’m talking about that portrait.
GINNY: (blushing) Oh.
RON: If he calls you a broad, I’ll beat the crap out of him.
DRACO: Ha! I’d like to see you try.
McGONAGALL & SNAPE: Points!
SIRIUS: If you’re going to fight, at least go outside and do it like gentlemen.
LUPIN: Oh, don’t encourage them.
PANSY: What’s wrong with Finnigan? He seems to have something on his upper lip.
SEAMUS: (angrily) It’s a mustache.
PANSY: Oh, I thought it was a bit of chocolate.
RON: (jumps up) AH!! MY EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERMIONE: Oh, do sit down, Ronald.
DRACO: You were quite testy with the old broad, weren’t you Potter?
POTTER: Will you stop saying broad?
DRACO: No.
NEVILLE: Is that me!?
LUNA: (puts down the Quibbler to look) It could be you, or perhaps your look-a-like, Bloke McToadment of the Toaders.
DRACO: Oh, look, Finnigan is putting on a bit of a show. Did Weasley just say that was a monkey? I thought Finnigan always acted like that.
SEAMUS: Stuff it.
NEVILLE: Hey, that’s me!
PANSY: Urgh. It looks like you’re going to throw up.
GINNY: (covering face) Tell me when it’s over.
LUNA: That is most strange. I never knew you could do an elephant impression that well, Neville.
NEVILLE: (blushes) Thanks.
DRACO: This is terribly boring. All these Gryffindor goody two-shoes and their little party games involving elephants and Weasleys.
HERMIONE: Oh, be quiet and watch the movie. You’ll be on screen causing hate and discontent soon.
DRACO: (smiles) Splendid.