Liberty wasn’t at the apartment when Billy got up at the crack of dawn to make his way to the set. There was a message on his machine that said she’d be staying at Dom’s. He was glad; for one thing, she wouldn’t know what he was doing and for the other, this meant that she and Dom had patched things up once again.

As he gathered up his equipment to make the short drive to the set, he contemplated ringing Dom’s flat. Just to see.

“Hello?” Dom asked, his voice groggy when he answered the phone on the third ring.

Billy smiled, “Hellooooooooo, Dominic.”

“Billy, we don’t go in until twelve!”

“I know, but I was wondering about this message on my machine.”

There was rustling, and Billy assumed Dom was sitting up in bed. “Huh. What message?”

“From Liberty saying she’s staying with you. I must, as a responsible adult and her guardian, ask about her well-being. I hope you’re not taking advantage of her.”

Dom chuckled lethargically, “You’re not her guardian.”

“Did you stay up rather late? Have you gotten any sleep?”

“I’m going back to bed, Billy, I’ll see you on the set…LATER.”

“Is Liberty there?”

“If you mean in the bed, no, she’s not. But she’s here at the flat. BYE.”

“DOMINIC!” Billy hollered suddenly, “You mean to tell me you had a beautiful girl stay the night at your place and you didn’t bed her?”

There was laughing on the other end of the phone before Dom said, “Bye, Bill,” and hung up.

Billy was smiling and shaking his head as he lugged his equipment out the door to his car.

“That must have been Billy,” Liberty said, laughing as she snuggled up to Dom. He put his arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

Dom pulled her closer still, “Yes, he’s upset I didn’t bed you.”

Liberty looked innocently up at him, “You did bed me. Quite well, if I remember correctly.”

“Yes, well, make-up sex is the best kind.” He kissed her again, “Let’s keep it from Billy, though, because he may have a coronary. He doesn’t know whether to hit me or congratulate me on my conquests.”

She made a face, crinkling up her nose, “I’m a conquest?”

“The toughest one I’ve ever had,” Dom replied, nodding and chuckling.

*

As Liberty and Dom were rolling over and going back to bed for awhile, Billy was calling Orlando for backup. He had all the equipment needed in the trunk of the car, now he just needed someone who would do as he was told, without question. Since Dom was otherwise engaged, he settled for Orlando, who was the next best thing.

Raya answered on the second ring sounding well rested and relaxed. “Hello, Raya, dear,” Billy said once she’d inquired who was calling. “I was wondering if I may have a word with Orlando.”

“He’s in the shower,” Raya replied and Billy heard rusting in the background, “But I think I’ve just heard the water turn off. You see, he had to shuttle Anaka to work this morning, as she had an early call. He was going to stay on the set, since he has to be back there momentarily anyway, but he remembered he hadn’t showered. And since last night proved to be rather exhausting and sweaty, he knew he’d need one.”

“Raya,” Billy stated evenly, “Do you know what too much information means?”

“Yes, and you sound like Dominic. So shush before I shun you from my circle.”

“You can’t shun me,” Billy argued, “I’m in your life forever. Just like Orlando.”

“I do suppose I have to take you with him, as a package deal. But I assure you that I can shun you BOTH and still maintain a sexual relationship with Mr. Bloom.”

Billy pulled a face, “Raya. Is Orlando out of the shower yet? I can’t take any more listening about your sexual….things.”

Raya, without commenting, pushed the phone into Orlando’s hands. He had been previously strutting about the bedroom wearing just a towel covering the bottom half of his body and posing as if at a photo shoot. Raya was trying very hard not to laugh at his antics.

“’Lo?” Orlando said into the phone, swishing his hips suggestively at Raya, who fell back on the bed to stop from giggling.

“Orlando, do you have a closet in your bedroom?” Billy asked, sounding frantic and pressed for time.

“Why, yes, I do, Billy. Why do you ask? Do you need to store a dead body? Because I know Raya would frown upon that---” Raya shouted, “DAMN STRAIGHT!” most uncharacteristically from the bed.

“I need you to go into it and shut the door so that we can talk in private.”

Orlando pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it for a moment before saying into the receiver, “I most certainly will NOT get in the closet. I’m not gay.”

Billy scowled, “Orlando. Please. Just do it. I promise that you will want to be a part of what I am planning. How long have you got before Pete realizes you’re not on the set?”

“About twenty minutes,” Orlando answered as he pecked Raya on the cheek as she sashayed into the bathroom to shower. “Raya’s just gone into the bathroom, she won’t hear us. What is it you want?”

“I want not to be overheard.”

Orlando sighed and then jumped as Raya peeked her head out of the bathroom door. As her eyes scanned the room, Orlando flew into the closet, swan-diving into a pile of extra clothes. He closed the door with a quiet snap and before long heard Raya’s bare feet padding across the wooden floors to retrieve something. “I’m in the closet,” Orlando whispered to the phone clutched in his hand.

“Good, now I must seek your assistance. I have a plan to get Anaka off Dom and Liberty’s backs for good.”

Orlando sounded worried, “What does it involve?”

“It only involves you standing about looking pretty, Bloom. Don’t worry about any hard labor.” Billy rolled his eyes and sighed, “We’ll need a couple buckets, maybe a hose and a sneaky entrance onto the set without being spotted.”

“I’m a heartthrob, there’s no way I can go anywhere without being spotted.”

“Stop being so cocky.”

“I’m only stating the truth.”

*

Five minutes later, Orlando arrived on the dirt road which stood beside a thicket of trees leading towards the Lord of the Rings set.

“I don’t think this plan will work,” Orlando said the second Billy came into view. He was sitting cross legged on the side of the vacant road gathering his supplies around him and lacing up his combat boots. He threw some fatigues at Orlando, which matched his own attire, and Orlando began throwing them on without question.

“Of course it will work,” Billy replied, standing up, “It has to. Dom and Liberty have finally consummated their relationship. She trusts him. If Anaka does anything to screw that up now, even if Dom doesn’t do anything in return, it’ll all be over. I don’t want to see that happen, do you?”

Orlando ignored the fact that Billy was actually being serious and said, “Well, no.”

“Good,” Billy nodded and shoved a black helmet into Orlando’s hands as he smeared some camuflage paint across their faces. “Put your helmet on, load your bucket with mud and follow me.” He then shoved a large bright pink bucket at Orlando, who immediately scooped murky brown mud into it with a huge grin on his face.

He plopped mud faster now, whistling happily, “This is fun, I used to play in the mud as a kid.”

Billy raised an eyebrow, “I’d appreciate it if we stayed on task.” He paused, “But, yes, I used to play in the mud too. It is good fun.”

Pretty soon they both had buckets filled with mud and were crawling the best they could across the wet ground through the forest. After five minutes, they saw a clearing and Billy gave a quiet whoop of gladness and jumped to his feet, slopping mud onto the ground.

“I see her,” Billy whispered, grabbing Orlando’s arm and making him lose some mud out of his bucket, too.

“Who?” Orlando asked, peering into the clearing at the set where many elves were gathered, making idle chit-chat. Peter Jackson was talking with two of the taller ones, Elrond and an unknown while Anaka was twirling a piece of straight blond elf hair around her finger and looking bored; Liv was attempting to make conversation, but was getting nothing for her actions.

“The devil,” Billy answered, nodding stoutly. “The spawn of Satan.”

“Liv is no more the spawn of Satan than I am a Jedi.” Orlando chuckled at his own joke, “Ahhhh may the force be with you! Ooooooooooooh!”

“Orlando, stop it. I was talking about Anaka. SHE is the devil, not Liv. Honestly. Keep up, will you?”

Orlando stopped waving his arms around and coughed, “Right. Sorry.”

“On the count of three, we run out and throw the mud onto her, got it?”

“And this will rid us of her forever?” Orlando asked doubtfully, “I wouldn’t think she so easily give in.”

“Do you KNOW what you’re talking about?” Billy wondered, tapping Orlando’s hard hat, “She’s like Raya. If we sopped Raya in mud as if she were suddenly dumped into a pig sty, she would most certainly be on the first plane out of here.”

“This is true,” Orlando replied, nodding slightly in thought. “But is it enough for Anaka?”

“Well,” Billy said seriously, “I had thought of that. Which is why I intend to wrestle her to the ground and make out with her a bit after she’s been mudded.”

“Is mudded a word?” Orlando questioned curiously.

“I neither know nor care, Orly. Of course, there is always the problem that she wants to stay because of me showing her how good it is to be a woman.” Orlando snorted, but Billy took no notice. “Hopefully because of my mask of army paint she won‘t be wooed and charmed by me and she‘ll feel violated instead.“

“Yes,“ Orlando said, trying hard not to laugh. “Violated. Right. Charmed. Wooed. Yeah.”

Billy gave him a confused look, “One. Two.” Billy squinted as Liv turned away from Anaka, leaving her alone. “THREE!”

Orlando and Billy tore through the break in the trees and Orlando overturned his bucket of mud atop Anaka’s head and Billy threw his at her at full force. She tumbled to the ground, shrieking in horror while elves all around cowered for fear they’d get dirty. Orlando did a slight victory dance and then raced back into the woods. Billy fell to the ground beside Anaka and, closing his eyes, he began kissing her quite fiercely while she writhed beneath him. Peter and other crew members were yelling for security, so Billy jumped up and ran after Orlando, holding his hat to his head to protect his identity.

*

Orlando, after cleaning himself off the best he could with some wet-naps Billy supplied, rushed back to his house where Raya was just about to answer the shrilly ringing phone.

“DON’T ANSWER IT!” Orlando hissed, rushing up to her and putting a hand on either of her shoulders. Raya surveyed him curiously, he still wore his fatigues which were splattered with mud and his face was streaked. Raya pulled her hand away from the phone and watched him, waiting for him to explain. He ran a hand through his mud-caked hair and tried to regulate his breathing. “I can’t explain, ‘cause I can’t breathe, but just…just tell her we’ve been having sex since the wee hours of the morning. Or better yet! Tell her we’ve been going at it like rabbits since last night!”

Raya raised a perfectly arched eyebrow, a tiny smile spreading across her shiny lips, “Well we haven't, and in fact, haven't BEEN for quite some time now. I don't exactly know if I remember the meaning of...what was that you said? 'Going at it like rabbits'?.” She reached for the phone.

Orlando looked oddly at her, straightening up, "Are you insinuating that I haven't been pleasuring my woman?"

"You know how I utterly detest when you call me 'your woman.' And yes, I am insinuating it."

"That's hardly a fair accusation, as I've been remarkably busy lately what with....one thing or another. I've been trying to keep tabs on Billy AND Liberty AND Dom and it's very tiring."

"Well if you've been rolling around in the mud with all three of them, I must say, I missed out." She said, noting his hair with a look of intrigue instead of the look of disdain which Orlando expected.

Orlando looked incredibly amused. The phone continued to ring so loudly and so intently that Raya reached out for it. Orlando didn't try to stop her, instead, he yelled, "Breathe heavily! We're still going at it!"

"You know what this means once I pick up this phone."

"Erm...no, what does it mean, Raya?" Orlando cringed slightly at the sound of the phone, now, as if it had just entered his consciousness.

"It means, that YOU and I have half an hour to make your story reliable once I'm done, seeing that your call time is soon."

Orlando, though beaten, weary and more tired than ever before in his life, looked as if Christmas had come early and he'd gotten that pair of socks he'd been hoping for. Raya, satisfied, picked up the phone and breathed, “Hello?”

“Raya, you will not BELIEVE what has just happened to me!” Anaka’s voice was a shriek; Raya had never heard her so angry, and believe it, Anaka is often angry for one reason or another.

"Sorry, I....*breath* can't help *breath* Orlando has this *breath* endurance *breath* thing working *breath* for him." Raya slammed the phone down and turned to Orlando, who was staring at her with what was unmistakably lust in his partially mud-covered eyes.

“Have you been in the throes of passion with Dom?” Billy questioned, cocking his head to the side in curiosity.

Liberty stared, transfixed, at him. She was unable to speak.

“Ah, he’s rendered you speechless. Yes, he’s always claimed that happens, and I’ve never believed it.” Billy put his hands on his waist, “Is he really THAT good?”

Liberty opened her mouth, but no sound came out except when the toothbrush fell to the floor. Billy bent to pick it up and when he straightened, he saw Liberty was still staring at him.

“Dom must be in the shower,” Billy commented, handing the toothbrush over. Liberty reached out to take it, moved aside, and allowed Billy to enter the house. She closed the door behind him, turned towards him, and stared again as he sat on the sofa. The running water in the bathroom confirmed his comment.

“BILLY!” Liberty yelled suddenly, making him jump up. “You’re naked!”

Billy nodded, "Well spotted. I felt the need to commune with nature a bit."

“Nature doesn’t like it, Billy, go put some clothes on,” Dom said, stepping into the room wearing just a towel and throwing another one (one he’d been using for his hair) at Billy. Billy, making haste, threw it around himself. If Dom seemed surprised at Billy’s sudden love of nature, it didn’t show. He simply kissed Liberty on the cheek on his way to the kitchen. Liberty gaped after him, still in shock.

"I wouldn't stare at him too long, Lib. He might do a happy dance or something bizarre." Dom said from the kitchen.

"And this isn't bizarre enough?" Liberty responded.

“Not to Billy standards.”

“Do you have breakfast ready?” Billy asked, sniffing the air.

“Not for people who aren’t wearing clothes,” Dom replied, sticking his head in the room.

“Well, then, Liberty can’t have any, either!”

“I’m wearing a robe!” Liberty retorted, looking a bit angered, or scared. It was anybody’s guess which.

Billy shook his head, "I've forgotten the purpose of my quest...visit...appearance."

"Hopefully you're here to get clothes," Liberty muttered, heading toward the bathroom.

"Clothes.....right." Billy chuckled, "I never understood why people want to be so consumed by clothing. It's so much nicer to be free and going commando. It's so...breezy."

"Billy....you're ruining Liberty's enjoyment of my breakfast." Dom yelled from the kitchen.

“I can't help that my naked body takes away from YOU, Dominic Monaghan!” Billy shouted back.

Liberty sighed, “Oh, dear God.” She shut the bathroom door with a quiet snap and Billy soon heard running water, which sounded as if she were finishing brushing her teeth. He rushed into the kitchen to tell Dom the whole entire story, right up to when he shed himself of the restraints of clothing and “liberated himself.”