Sunday, June 22nd, 2003.
Alcohol Units: 4 Times looked in mirror: 50 McDonalds: None. Must get there soon. Cigarettes: 12 (good) Times made fun of Mark: Hmmm. Dunno.
5:03am- Marky-Mark is asleep on my sofa bed. I gave him some nice clean Sesame Street sheets. They have Oscar the Grouch on them and Big Bird. And Snuffa---lufa---gus----Hell. Just Snuffy. And others. I�m not sure of their names.
5:12am- I haven�t slept at all, as I was up rather late taking off my blue sparkly eye shadow. Which looked v. GOOD by the way. Mark has no idea what the meaning of �beauty� means. He�s really let himself go since his engagement, he�s getting one of those beer belly things and had to buy new pants and belts. Maybe he�s pregnant.
5:20am- Can�t get back to sleep, as Marky-Mark is snoring to beat the band out there. Even though I am in my nice cozy bed, I can still hear him�with the door closed, even. He sounds like a fire engine.
5:30am- I do a bloody good impression of a fire engine!
5:32am- And even with all my bruises, I look v. good doing it!
5:36am- Wait. Can men get pregnant?
5:40am- Rang Ste. He answered in a most pleasant tone, �BLSLKWEROIUSJDLKJDSFLKJESIlakdfasdlfiausdrfaokjdralsdkfjadsfuCHRIST.�
�GOOOOD MOOOOOORNING STEVEN! Or as they say in German, Gutten Morten!�
Ste was not very friendly, or impressed by my German, �Why are you ringing me at 5am?�
�It�s 5:40, actually. Nearly six, therefore. I�m ringing to ask if men can get pregnant.�
5:47am- Ste�s manners are not very good. And that dial tone is v. noisy. Almost as loud as Mark�s snoring.
6:04am- Am being v. v. quiet as I go into kitchen to make coffee.
6:05am- �MARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! WAKE UP!�
6:08am- AH HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHA! Mark�s face when he sat bolt upright! I thought he�d pee his pants!
6:19am- �What the---?�
�Gutten Morten, Marky-Mark. I was wondering, since you had to buy new pants and knickers and belts and all that, are you pregnant? You�ve gained a lot, right there round the middle.�
6:24am- Don�t think Mark is very happy camper in early morning. He offered to give me a third black eye. But I don�t have three eyes, as I told him, so it�s impossible. He threw his pillow at me.
6:29am- Pillow may have had some sort of hard substance in it. Perhaps it is stuffed with rocks?
6:38am- OH! That�s where I put my rock collection!!!
6:40am- Doing happy dance and sorting my rocks onto their shelves while singing, �I Will Survive.�
6:45am- Mark not impressed by hip wiggle and shimmy. Has said he will throw up his breakfast.
6:50am- Reminded him that perhaps he shouldn�t indulge in breakfast, as his pant size is really getting up there.
7:01am- In bed, nursing headache with martini, whiskey sour and scotch.
7:04am- He threw Harry Potter at me. Well. At least I�ve got it to read now, with me in my cozy, snore-less bed.
7:09am- I think Mark is chopping wood out there with a hacksaw.
7:15am- No. Just snoring. Man, he falls asleep quickly. Even without breakfast.
7:30am- I could really murder an Egg McMuffin right now.
7:39am- I don�t like that expression much. What does it mean, anyway? I don�t want to murder anyone/thing, lest of all an Egg McMuffin, which brings me much happiness on cold English mornings.
7:44am- My hair looks good this morning.
7:48am- I think I�ll just pop round to the McDonald�s next door and then come back. It couldn�t hurt to have a healthy breakfast, could it?
7:56am- Waiting in line at Mickey D�s. I think my concussion is still here. It lingers on, causing me deep physical and emotional pain.
7:59am- HAHAHA! I amuse myself.
8:07am- I don�t know if I�ve said this before, but I am v. v. witty.
8:10am- Really.
8:19am- Waiting for order. May have gone a bit overboard.
8:21am- I think the expression goes, �Starve a fever, feed a cold and eat lots of garbage if concussed.�
8:23am- So I am obviously doing the right thing.
8:27am- Mmmmm. Flapjacks.
8:33am- Back home, with all six bags of food.
8:56am- Mark ate one of my eight hash browns. Bugger. I was gonna eat that!
9:01am - Why are the words �ate� and �eight� spelled differently?
9:05am- Jury (Mark) says, �Because they are different words, you dolt.�
�Der, Marky. I just wondered why I can�t just spell �eight� �ate� if I wanted to.�
�I don�t know. Because people would think you meant something else.�
�But couldn�t I, if I wanted to?�
�I don�t bloody care.�
�Good. Then next time, if I write in an online internet email to a mate of mine, I will say �there is a concert at A-T-E. Be there. Be square�.�
�I sometimes wonder if you were dropped on your head as a child.�
9:10am- What the bloody hell does THAT mean?
9:14am- Mark goes on to say, meanly so, may I add, �Since when d�you have online internet mates?�
�Since forever.�
�Oh?�
�Yeah, they�re little fan girls who like Harry Potter as much as me!!!!�
9:20am- Marky says I should go to the emergency room. He says that the concussion has messed my head up a lot.
9:23am- I think he just wants me out of his way.
9:25am- But, why? This is my house.
9:30am- Hmmmmmm.
9:45am- Marky Mark is just jealous because he is computer illiterate and couldn�t make mates with a Harry Potter fan girl even if he wanted to.
9:50am- Which he doesn�t. As he so nicely told me. (Not.)
10:01am- Marky Mark has just read the last page and wants to know if I have been sent back to the 80�s. I don�t know why.
10:04am- Am I in the 80s?
10:09am- No, my hair is alright and I�m not wearing stonewashed jeans, so I should be OK.
10:13am- I sometimes wonder if MARK was dropped on his head as a child. He�s back asleep again. Snoring of course.
10:15am- Oh, good grief.
10:18am- I decided to ring Mum in order to get some answers. �Mum? Did you drop me on the head as a child?�
�Hullo, Christian, darling. How are you?�
�Mum, I asked you a very serious question.�
�Yes, dear, but you forgot a greeting. It�s polite to use a greeting when you ring someone.�
I�m getting v. good at eye rolling. My mum is so old fashioned. She�s my MUM for Big Bird�s sake! Why must I GREET her when I�m ringing her? Can�t I just come out and say what I rang in the first place to say?
I suppose, since she IS my mum, that I might as well humor her.
�Good morning, Mum. How are you? Is the roof leaking?�
�I�m fine, thank you. No, the roof is perfectly fine. Your father fixed it last week.�
�Brilliant. Now, then. Down to business. Did you drop me on the head as a child?� Mark�s snores stopped just then, so I�ve ducked into the closet with the phone.
�Christian Anthony Burns, why would you ask such a thing?�
�I�m curious. Hey, did you know that my initials are CAB?�
�Yes, I did.�
�Just checking. So, did you drop me?�
�Not that I recall. Your father may have. Shall I ask him?�
�Sure, why not. Tell him �hello� while you�re at it.�
I could hear her speaking to dad in the background, then she came back on the line. �He was quite shirty with me, but says he never dropped you.�
�Then Mark IS completely bonkers! Thanks, Mum. G�bye.�
I hung up on her before she could ask anymore questions.
10:45am- I think I finally know why I�m so �scatterbrained� as Ste calls it. I�ve come from a long line of scatterbrained�er�folks. Mum, bless her, is one of them.
11:20am- I�m really hungry.
11:40am- �Marky-Mark, I�m going to McDonalds for lunch. Would you like anything of your OWN?� I had to stress this last bit �cause I didn�t want him eating my food again.
�Christian, you�ve just had breakfast!�
11:55am- I�m a growing boy, for God�s sake!!
12:03pm- Apparently you�re only a growing boy until you hit the ripe old age of 18. This is bollocks.
12:15pm- Marky-Mark has waddled on home. Dad is not the only shirty person round here. Marky-Mark had that gleam in his eyes. You know, the one that means he�s about to throw something at me, or hit me over the head with a large book.
12:30pm- Oh! I can read some more Harry before I go get nutrients at Mickey D�s!
4:08pm- GOOD LORD! I�ve read so long that my eyes have gone cross-eyed!
4:11pm- Phew. That was a close call. My eyes were cross-eyed because I haven�t eaten since breakfast. I think.
4:17pm- At Mickey D�s at last! Ah, God bless the golden arch! I bow to you, Ronald McDonald! All hail!
4:20pm- Why are people always looking at me like I�m one hamburger short of a happy meal?
4:26pm- Never mind them. I�m v. witty.
4:35pm- And starved. I�ve already devoured 2 of my cheeseburgers, and I�m not even to my doorstep yet.
5:09pm- I�ve said it before, and I�ll say it again. Nobody does it better than Ronald.
5:14pm- I should write him a song!
5:16pm- Maybe I�ll read a bit first.
5:20pm- Why do my eyes keep going cross-eyed?
5:30pm- �Ste? My eyes keep going cross-eyed.�
�Stop crossing them, then.�
I try this silly suggestion. Surprisingly, it works.
�Oh. Thanks. Bye.�
6:09pm- Have put book down. Will write Ronald a song, instead.
6:20pm- It is called �Ode to Ronald.�
6:26pm- The best line is �I still believe that we can live together in a land of broken dreams.� The rest, so far, is just �I love you Ronald. You are great. You make fantastic hamburgers. And even better chips! I�d like to move in with you, so you could give me free food. I�d love you forever, if you just told me the secret of the hash brown. Let�s live together, under the golden arch. And eat chicken nuggets all day.�
6:55pm- That is the best song I have ever written. And I�ve written a lot of good ones. �Back Here� for example. Sure, Marky wrote a lot of the lyrics to that, but he�s always taking my thunder anyway. Damn him.
7:00pm- I�m tired.
7:02pm- I�ve just revised myself a schedule for the rest of the evening. Read, finish Ronald song, watch a MK and A video, sleep.
7:10pm- Tomorrow morning I�ll wake up bright and early and go to record my �Ode to Ronald� since we�ve got more studio time.