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Jokes on parenting
These are the jokes that I received via email overtime, exact source is unknown.Children as pets
The Truth about Children
Adam and Eve
Advices
Children As Pets - The Cat Years
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry -- then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving.
When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before. You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.
Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."
Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
(Author Unknown)
The Truth About Children
June 27, 2001
- - A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- - A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- - A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- - A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- - An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- - Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- - Celibacy is not hereditary.
- - Familiarity breeds children.
- - For adult education, nothing beats children.
- - Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- - Having children will turn you into your parents.
- - If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- - Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- - It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- - It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- - Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- - Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- - You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have.
- - Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- - The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- - There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it
- - Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- - There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- - The best thing to spend on your children is time.
Adam and Eve
Thursday, August 23, 2001 11:10 AM
here's a good one...
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't".
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!" says Eve
"Yes way!" says Adam
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?" Adam and Eve both ask.
"Because I am your father and I said so!" God replied,(wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!" said Eve.
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Children
Thursday, August 23, 2001 11:10 AM
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut--up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat every word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Anyway, be nice to your children, they might choose your nursing home someday.
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