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Just kidding
These are the jokes that I received via email overtime, exact source is unknown.The Wisdom of Kids
Kids on the topic of marriage and relationship!
Kids vs Teachers
What my Mom taught me
Kids in church
Other jokes
The Wisdom of Kids
Jul 15, 1999"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
- Patrick, age 10"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
- Hannah, 9"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, 14"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, 9"Never pee on an electric fence."
- Robert, 13"Don't squat with your spurs on."
- Noronha, 13"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to."
- Emily, 10"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
- Taylia, 11"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment."
- Traci, 14"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers."
- Mitchell, 12"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
- Andrew, 9"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."
- Kyoyo, 9"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
- Armir, 9"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
- Kellie, 11"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
- Naomi, 15"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick."
- Lauren, 9"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, 10"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, 13
Others
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Never try to baptize a cat.
Never spit when you are on a roller coaster.
Sleep with your clothes on so you will be dressed in the morning.
Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower.
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Never tell your little brother that you are not going to do what your mom told you to do.
The two places you are always welcome is at church and at grandma's house.
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it is moving.
Don't ever wrestle a dog bigger than you are.
Even old grimy oil has rainbows in it. A duck is never, never a chicken.
Mud jumps on your clothes on it's own.
If you want your mom to know a secret, tell it to your little sister.
Never do pranks at the police station.
Never, NEVER put a burning candle in the kitchen cupboard thinking the weeones needed to see to fix a midnight snack....
Kids on the topic of marriage and relationship!
Feb 16, 1999
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.
- Eddie, 6
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, they you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.
- Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8You can be sure of one thing-the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.
- Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.
- Lori, age 8
Kids vs Teachers
Jan 12, 1999
Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
What my Mom taught me
Jan 18, 2000
- My mother taught me LOGIC...
- "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MEDICINE...
- "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
- "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My mother taught me ESP...
- "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
- "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My mother taught me HUMOR...
- "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
- "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
- "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
- "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
- "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
- "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
- You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE...
- "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you...then you'll see what it's like..."
Kids in church
June 27, 2001
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."After a church service one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
Kids jokes
Oct 19, 2000
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table."What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken", the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
A father was reading Bible stories to his youngest son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
Apr 11, 2001
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!
rec'd Feb 25, 2002.A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. " Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH is four.
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