Well, you can’t have the best
without revealing the worst. Just how it takes a lot to have a chart-topping
classic, it takes a lot to have a song that’s at the bottom of the barrel. It’s
simply not enough to be “bad”- it’s also got to be memorable, and not in a
campy sense. No, the crap of the crap stirs your emotions just like a classic
does, but with the kind of mind-numbing aggravation that wonders, “oh why did
they think THIS was good enough to record? Why?” Sometimes, the artists
just misuse their talents and bounce back with better efforts, but other times,
it’s evident that the artist in question has a much more fulfilling career
ahead of them outside of music. With that said, it’s time for the mud-slinging
to begin so that I may eventually get my sanity back.
#25: Shania Twain- I’m Gonna Getcha Good (2002)
Timmins, Ontario’s own Shania
Twain lives in Switzerland, refuses to attend her own birthday party (that the
locals spend so lavishly to hold) and sells a lot of records. Why we’ll never
know. Here, she is at her maddening worst, molding a song that’s incredibly
childish, has head-scratchingly bad lyrics (“You’re a fine piece of real estate
and I’m gonna get me some land”) and is infuriatingly catchy to boot. She’s
built a career mainly out of energy and her bosom, but she clearly isn’t a
songwriter. She has improved somewhat in recent years, but this is still a
nasty blemish on her record and will remain so for quite some time.
#24: Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend (2007)
The more I listen to Avril
Lavigne, the more I’m convinced that most complicated word she knows is
“Complicated”. At 23, Lavigne should be at the stage of her life when she’s
maturing from a teenager to a young adult, but instead, she seems to be going
in the opposite direction, opting in a vain attempt to relate to her mostly
teenage fanbase. Now, I have no complaints if she’s really a “kid at heart”,
but it seems like Lavigne never grows, and the more time she wastes trying to
be a teen the more she distances herself from it. “Girlfriend”, as a song is
itself one giant cliché, featuring pathetic, juvenile lyricism, distorted
guitars that sound edgy but are overproduced so they’re not “threatening” and a
call-out chorus that’s meant to be a hook but sounds so lazy. It’s horrible
enough if this song came from another artist, but the fact that it’s Lavigne,
it’s her tenth single and she still hasn’t matured at all makes it that
much worse. I do hope she improves with later releases, but it doesn’t seem
like Lavigne wants to- and until she does, she won’t have a career.
#23: The All-American Rejects- The Last Song (2003)
Before Move Along, The
All-American Rejects were a run-of-the-mill, whiny emo band that seemed to
think that wailing uncontrollably meant they were “sensitive”, when it just
sounded silly. “The Last Song” couldn’t paint this picture better, with light
instrumentation and a lyrical delivery that’s akin to that whining, spoiled
brat who cries simply because he can’t have another ice cream cone. Since then,
they’ve learned to beef up their guitars and sing with a lot more conviction,
an unexpected improvement given that after this song, they just looked
hopeless. Well, music is all about surprises, and I hope this surprise
continues and doesn’t fall back to this.
#22: Aaron Pritchett- Hold My Beer (2006)
Country singer Aaron Pritchett tries to sound tough by being that man who’ll take a girl right from a loser’s arm, but in the process of singing such lame, clichéd threats as “Hold my beer!/While I kiss your girlfriend/Cuz she needs a real man/Not a boy like you”, it is Pritchett who is, in fact, the loser. Hey Aaron- hold my beer while I kiss your girlfriend. That’ll teach you for writing junk like this.
#21: Ludacris f/Mystikal & I-20- Move B*** (2002)
File this one in the “thank
goodness he’s improved” category. “Move B***” is clearly Ludacris’ worst song
in that he’s done just about everything wrong here, from the lazy bass-heavy
beat that sounds like a garbage truck to raps that think gratuitous swearing is
hip when it’s just silly- not to mention extremely chauvinistic lines such as
the hook- and the song covers all the bases of a rap cliché. Now, I have no
complaints when a rapper swears or talks about his exploits with women (or the
other way around with female rappers), but when that material is inserted
blandly and thoughtlessly as it is here, the result is just a mess. I’m happy
Ludacris has discovered his niche as a club-friendly party rapper because I
would hate to think how he would have gone in the other direction and had tried
to get much worse than this.
#20: E-Town Concrete- Mandibles (2003)
Someone tell these P.O.D.
imitators that inaudible screaming over pop-friendly guitars doesn’t make a rock
classic- it’s just mindless, useless random noise. These kind of songs are
supposed to be filled with energy, but the only energy I get from this generic
junk is to flick it off my radio and tune in to something else.
#19: Bright Eyes- First Day Of My Life (2005)
There’s no word that can
better describe Conor Oberst than “pompous”, and it can be no better described
than here. Dry and boring, the folky “First Day Of My Life” displays the kind of
“look-at-me” pretentiousness that insists that because Oberst is minimalist and
emotional that he’s writing “mind-blowing art”. No, it’s just dull, sappy music
from a musician who makes repeated public outbursts that he’s such a rebel when
I really wish he’d just shut up. One day he’ll learn, one day.
#18: Chynna- Mean Mug (2003)
“Mean Mug” is a
Southern-urban expression that means “confrontational”, but Chynna’s gruff
tones, a beat sounds like it came from his kitchen (it’s too bad for it to be a
basement recording) and lyrics that are simply stupid, “Mean Mug” is a
non-threatening fight song that will leave listeners laughing instead of
scared. Or entertained for that matter.
#17: Six Feet Under- Amerika The Brutal (2004)
Death metal at its worst, “Amerika
The Brutal” is trash-compactor rock- I won’t even dare call this “metal”- with
growling that just sounds silly and worst of all, inaudible. There’s supposed
to be a message behind this song (and it’s a cliché, anyway), but I’m not
hearing it- and neither should anyone else.
#16: Ray Stevens- Thank You (2003)
Do I get uncomfortable when I
hear some lunkhead proclaim that anyone who doesn’t support the War in Iraq or
the War in Afghanistan extrapolate that into “you don’t respect the army”? Yes,
because it’s patently untrue- just because they’re the military doesn’t mean
they’re immune from criticism, and besides, they’re supposed to be fighting for
my right to be able to criticize them in the first place. However, that’s not
the issue here- as much as I hate the “Support Our Troops” sentiment, if a song
espouses it and does so well, I’ll play it- the likes of Iced Earth’s “When The
Eagle Cries” and Toby Keith’s “American Soldier” have graced my charts, because
those songs are sung with conviction and integrity; and besides, good music
should be able to reach out to more than just those who agree with the singer.
This song from country veteran Stevens, however, is just lame- its acoustic
tones are just too simple, and its use of recycled lyrics make it another huge
country cliché, that of strident patriotism, and I expect much more out of a
veteran.
#15: Three Days Grace- Home (2003)
Juvenile, clichéd lyrics,
cookie-cutter guitar riffs and a whiny tone that lead singer Adam Grontier
thinks is emotional but is really just being sappy- yep, just another day in
the office. *sigh* The kiddie rockers have improved somewhat in recent years,
but they still have a long way to go before anyone thinks they’ve really grown
up.
#14: The Grates- 19-20-20 (2006)
Sometimes bands seem to think
that if they repeat something ad nauseam, they’ve got a winning hook. The
reality is simple rote repetition doesn’t make a hook- it’s just annoying. Such
is the case with “19-20-20”, that is simply one giant hook laced upon scratchy,
messy guitars that simply amp up said hooks- and the annoyance factor. Sure you
want your music to stick in people’s heads- but you want them to remember
something of substance, not some random words and riffs sprayed together just
because they “sound nice”. This kitschy indie rock sounded like it took as long
as it takes to run the song to make the song- and it’s reflected immensely in
the final product.
#13: Electrocute- Kleiner Dicker Junge (2004)
Speaking of “kitsch”, we go
to where the word originated- Germany, with electroclash outfit Electrocute who
have defined “kitsch” with this junk (well, they’re really from Los Angeles,
but they originated in Germany). In any case, “Kleiner Dicker Junge” is
hook-filled, messy, trashy and very disorienting, a song that’s meant to be
playfully fun but is really just maddeningly annoying in its obtuseness. Leave
it to the Germans to show us precisely why they came up with the word “kitsch”-
*sigh*
#12: JC Chasez- Some Girls Dance With Women (2004)
If male fantasies were all
that’s needed to create a winning single, then “Some Girls Dance With Women”-
surely Chasez’s fantasy- would have been a No. 1 hit. It wasn’t, and it’s hard
not to see why- it’s clichéd and silly, containing mundane, lazy dance beats and
routine, sexed-up lyrics that try to create the image of a “hot” single when
it’s just Chasez wishing he could score with the women who are clearly ignoring
him here (and I don’t blame them). Justin Timberlake showed him how it’s done
with “Sexyback”- maybe he should take notes right about now, because this
clearly doesn’t work.
#11: William Hung- She Bangs (2004)
Okay, okay- the talentless
Hung (who rose to fame after an awful audition in Season 3 of American Idol)
is an easy target and even if I say he’s horrible as a singer, it’s not like it
no one expected it, because everyone knows that; and yes, to fault him simply
because he’s a horrible singer would be unfair, because Hung’s music was never
about singing talent anyway. However, I will fault his music- such as this
head-smacking turn covering Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs”, without any of that
song’s pizzazz (not that the original had much more than this version anyway)-
because music as entertainment is all about the end product, and no matter how
you look at Hung, that end product is always laughably bad. Worse still, Hung
sings with a strong conviction in his voice, so any idea that he’s trying to
make it as a “comedic singer” gets thrown out the window- and makes me pity him
for knowing he’s just being laughed at. You’ve had your time in the Sun- now
move on to bigger and better things so the serious musicians can show the rest
of the world how it’s really done.
#10: Rebecca Lynn Howard- That’s Why I Hate Pontiacs (2005)
“My boyfriend broke up with
me and he drove a Pontiac, so I must cry and whine about how I hate them so
much”. That’s all you need to know about this rudimentary, childish country
drivel that’s sure to be avoided on General Motors playlists, and should be on
yours too.
#9: Contractor- Affection (2003)
The obtuseness of this
oversexed reggae snoozer can be best summed up in the worst hook ever written-
“every woman needs love and affection/And she got it in an upright erection”. I
need not explain more.
#8: Fannypack- Cameltoe (2003)
Every summer, we’re bombarded
by silly, simple songs that are just meant to be light and fun to capture the
overall brighter mood that the warmer weather and the Sun usually bring- “the
summer silly season” as it’s called in movie circles but certainly applies to
music as well. Summer songs do turn up a few classics- you saw some on the Top
100- but they also turn up its fair share of junk released by musicians who are
just too relaxed to even bother with basic songcraft. The 2003 silly season
brought the “crème del le crap” in “Cameltoe”, a dance-pop number whose
cookie-cutter beats get mind-numbingly repetitive after the first listen but
whose lyrics are the ones that really set it apart. It’s a spicy song that puts
down a fellow woman for having a “cameltoe”- the female equivalent of a wedgie-
giving a song that ostensibly has a light, good-humoured exterior but is really
a juvenile put-down. This can’t be a serious single, can it?
#7: Alexisonfire- Pulmonary Archery (2003)
Before Alexisonfire learned
to beef up the guitars and have more cohesion in their music they produced
garbage like this, featuring generic, run-of-the-mill pop-rock guitar chords
overtop of inaudible yelling that will double-back even the faintest of heart-
no, screaming doesn’t make you tough or important, it just makes you look
silly, especially if no one can understand what you’re saying. Fortunately
they’ve learned about enunciation, meatier guitars and overall better
songcraft, making even the yelling an enjoyable experience (because it’s
wrapped up in something nice)- but this will forever be an example of how
screamo can go terribly wrong.
#6: Pro-Pain- Can You Feel It? (2004)
Mundane, lazy growling
featuring trash-compactor guitars- this song is death metal at its worst. You
can’t get more clichéd than this, as “Can You Feel It?” doesn’t challenge any
conventions, has all the excitement of paint drying and feels incredibly
rushed. No, up-tempo, chugging guitars and lazy growling doesn’t make you
tough- it just makes you look stupid. A lesson for death metallers for
precisely what they should avoid.
#5: D4L- Laffy Taffy (2005)
He tried to create a dance
craze, but southern rap troupe D4L’s wayward attempt to redefine the female
bottom is just a head-scratcher. Really, “Laffy Taffy”? That sounds like a
laxative. The song’s just as brutal, featuring a droning beat and raps that
took no thought to make. This really is simply mindless drivel, and the troupe
are just fooling themselves if they think anyone’s going to catch on to their
feeble attempt.
#4: The Cheeky Girls- The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) (2004)
If Electrocute defined
kitsch, it’s The Cheeky Girls- Romanian twin teenage girls who were, tellingly,
rejected for Pop Idol, the original version of American Idol-
who perfected it. Written by their mother- further proof that nepotism doesn’t
always work in the music industry- this dance-pop song has it all. It has a
mind-numbing repetition that’s the song’s excuse for a hook, simple, canned
beats, an extremely childish demeanour, tone-deaf singing and, worst of all,
not-so-thinly veiled innuendo lyrics, daring the listener to touch their bums.
That just takes the cake right there in terms of atrocious songwriting- their
mother can’t decide if she wants the song to be for kids or for adults, because
the tone of the song says “kids” but the lyrics are obviously adult driven,
even if the writer didn’t intend it that way. One thing’s for sure- this song
is for no one, because all this song does is just become an embarrassment for
anyone required to put up with it.
#3: R. Kelly- Ignition (Remix) (2003)
R. Kelly has always been
obsessed with sex in his music (and some would say in real life as well, given
his recent court problems which are still on-going) and while he’s forged a
successful career out of being the alluring crooner, recently he’s sounded more
like a caricature of himself instead of the genre-pusher he once was. Nowhere
is this more evident than in this song, a generic, “let’s get drunk and party
with women” song that’s simply lazy with its clichéd lyrics. He can do a lot
better than this.
#2: PBT- Fool Wit’ It (2002)
This song wins the award for
“Most Unintentionally Funny Song of All-Time”. A “Dirty South” rap song that’s
more “garbage-bin trash” than “naughtily raunchy”, PBT consistently sounds like
he’s hacking a hairball in yelling mostly inaudible lyrics over a non-existent
beat. Good for comedic value, bad for the other kind of entertainment PBT was
hoping for.
#1: George Canyon- Drinkin’ Thinkin’
(2006)
It
takes a lot to have the worst song of all-time- more than just being a novelty
or an intentionally kitschy single (which are supposed to stink anyway) or a
“non-conventional” sound (like the “Dirty South”), which are supposed to be
hit-or-miss anyway. No, the worst song of all-time has to be a serious piece of
work by an artist looking for serious recognition, and it comes in the form of
“Drinkin’ Thinkin’” from Pictou County, Nova Scotia’s George Canyon, the
runner-up on the second season of Nashville Star. Not only is the song
terribly lame and cheesy- simple guitar riffs and drumming, even more mundance
and recycled lyrics, a ham-fisted attempt at “rousing the crowd”- it’s also
extremely patronizing, thinly veiled in the guise of a “funny song”. Now, I
have no problems when artists want to make a point with their music- that’s
what art is about anyway- but any time an artist tries to do so “through the
back door” by dressing up the lyrics so it can pass as something else (instead
of making the listener aware that the song isn’t what it’s ostensibly about)
screams “condescending”, as if the artist thinks their listeners are too stupid
to pick up that they’re being misled. I can understand Canyon doesn’t want to
alienate the beer-swilling partygoer part of his fanbase, but if he’s got an
issue with their habits he should say so in song- instead of making them think
they’re partying to a drinking song that’s really laughing at them and telling
them that they’re deluding themselves if they think they’re enjoying their
time. For Canyon’s attempt to mock his partygoer fanbase that screams “I’m
better than you” while intentionally deceiving them into believing they’re
listening to their anthem, he gets the nod for having the worst song of
all-time.
-DG