The Caveman's Valentine
Written by George Dawes Green (based on his book)
Directed by Kasi Lemmons
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Ann Magnuson, Damir Andrei, Aunjanue Ellis, Tamara Tunie,
        Peter MacNeil, Colm Feore and Anthony Michael Hall.
(now playing at extremely select theaters - hunt for it!)
*  *    (Two Stars)


 Based on George Dawes Green's 1994 Edgar Award winning novel of the same name, 'The Caveman's Valentine' is anything but the electrifying side of compelling entertainment a lauded piece of literature would require - - - or at least suggest. As if trying to evoke some deeply classical state of being, all the names in the film are long, threaded descriptors (without actually describing anything). Samuel L. Jackson plays Romulus Ledbetter, Feore plays David Leppenraub, MacNeil plays a character called Cork, Ellis a girl called Lulu; even Ledbetter himself has a fictionalized arch-enemy that seems to inhabit only his mind as he worries day in, day out that a Cornelius Gould Stuyvesant plots to control the world from the top of NYC's Chrysler Building. Everyone feels the need to use these names half a dozen times a minute, especially Jackson whose main goal, besides a curious mixture of befuddled self-preservation and creative detective work, seems to be to shout the word "Stuyvesant" at the top of his lungs. In the opening sequence of the film, he rants and raves on a bench near his home, a structure that, inside and out, appears to be a cave in a Manhattan park. Someone in the crowd which has gathered says to him: "Happy Valentine's day, caveman" (as if to immediately drop the obtuse title's hopes and dreams to a casual inference that we are expected to add meaning to over the course of the film). The direction headed is not a good one. Early on, though the imagery is connected and well etched, we buckle for a series of conventions.
        After finding a frozen corpse atop a tree outside his cave, Romulus becomes obsessed with the idea that fab photographer David Leppenraub is responsible for the death. Leppenraub (another grimy slither from the great Canadian actor Colm Feore) takes photographs which depict angelic young men experiencing pain among still life props (Isn't that the international signal that someone i guilty of murder?). To get properly suited up (literally), Romulus enlists the help of Bob, a businessman he passes on the street. Played by Anthony Michael Hall with the same kind of arrogant nerdiness stuck forever in his persona from his John Hughes days, this character never really registers as a fitting piece of the film's world. Romulus, who has been to Julliard (but evidently didn't quite follow through, as they say), displays a rare knowledge for a Russian composer, which results in his admittance to Bob's penthouse apartment. Once there, it is only a matter of time before the heavily milked trend of audience satisfying (and nausea inducing) irony appears and saturates us with its insincerity. On the bench of Bob's piano (an instrument he recognizes by year and brand name), Romulus makes sweet love to the black and white keys as he transcends the genius locked in his half crazed, dreadlock-clad helmet. Moments later, his hair is cut, his face shaved and a new suit has been applied to his body. Now he's ready to stick his nose where it doesn't belong.
        Kasi Lemmons is a wonderful filmmaker. Her movies (she's made one other, 1997's 'Eve's Bayou') tend to have a dreaminess to their storytelling, weaving settings and optical effects into a fast paced editing scheme. Here, her seemingly new, almost fresh faced style is wasted on a story that is equal parts cliche-ridden and predictably open-and-shut. My assumption (though I've not read Green's novel) is that the book was interested, for the most part, in Romulus's ability to keep straight a world of facts, organizing them (as in music, which is mathematical) and still carrying on his occupation as a mentally damaged, hallucinating lunatic. It comes through in the film, but less as a struggle to maintain elements than as a byproduct of how strong Jackson is as a performer. Giving a performance that is streaked with upstaging the rest of the cast and loud, scenery chewing dialogue reading is the norm for Jackson. From his first appearance in Spike Lee's 'Jungle Fever' through his Oscar nominated turn in 'Pulp Fiction' up to and including last year's seemingly obligatory re-make abomination, 'Shaft', Jackson is no stranger to obliterating the viewer with his lively face and commanding vocal tone. In 'The Caveman's Valentine', he wreaks the same havoc, but leaves only himself in the memory as the somewhat forgettable film drags on. Instead of indexing the facets of the narrative, we earmark the levels of his character, the loud pitches and quiet moments, the visually alluring man contrasting with the dirty, unkempt vagabond. While this may seem like an interesting watch, all we really take away from the film, besides the volume of Jackson's Romulus, is the quivering Lemmons, desperately trying to breath life into this tired story.
        What made 'Eve's Bayou' so enchanting - and what is missing from 'The Caveman's Valentine' - is the way Lemmons understands how a setting can envelope characters and define their actions and moods almost to the point where it is out of their reach. The deep south enriched the young woman in 'Eve's Bayou', but its devastating effect on her father became entwined so in her experience that the film must begin with her wrongful notion that she has "killed her father" (meant figuratively and literally). We can see Lemmons attempting such a feat here, setting the film in the harsh New York bustle that makes Jackson a loon to the masses and a genius to select members. It defines his madness while isolating his talent. Adding another setting, Leppenraub's creepy farmhouse in upstate New York, only makes Lemmons' job more fateful. Here we are supposed to find Jackson challenged by space and its relation to his perception of paranoia: did Leppenraub murder the insubordinate young man who refused to pose for a picture? Is the question defined by how Jackson's world collapses on him daily? Is Stuyvesant really trying to take over the world?
        The fact that not a single one of these questions seems to linger or even stay interrogative as Jackson's detective work resonates without interest makes 'The Caveman's Valentine' an encapsulated tedium with a violent, unnecessary struggle within left sitting in the cold like the corpse in Manhattan park. Lemmons does her best to flavor the film with pizzazz but she never finds the true nature of what Green and Jackson seem to have in mind. This is a story about balancing contradictory mental elements that comes off as an obsessive inner-citywhodunit without a single interesting twist.

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