I got home tonight, switched off the lights of my clio and there before me in a burning glory was the house down the road! Opening the door to exit my vehicle the stench of burning plastic violated my nostrels! I was amazed as the flames shot out of the chimney and into the quiet night sky! And, as I proceeded to make my way up to the house I was confronted by the large figure of my mother!
"What took you so long?" she did exclaim!!
"I got held up in Conwy, and Charlie wanted me to look at her computer! There is a bug with her windows software!" I replied uncertainly!
"Ah, I see," replied the stern mother! "You should encourage her to by a watch so she is aware of what time it is!"
"Changing the subject," I replied. "Look at yonder house across the way! See how it burns with all the fires of hell as if the devil himself were flinging wretched souls upon it!"
"Yes, it is quite spectacular! I tried ringing you but your phone is in your room! I wish you take it with you, it is a mobile phone after all!"
"But mother, you wouldn't want me answering it while I was driving my vehicle would you?"
"No, this is quite correct! It is bloody cold, let us return into the house" She replied! And, satisfied that she had made me feel suitably uncomfortable, she turned and returned into the house! At this moment a fire engine, sporting a full compliment of handsome firemen arrived! And I was able to watch from the upper story of my house as the battle against the flames raged beneath me!
With the violent inferno safely under control, there was nothing more to do other than retire inside, sit at my desk, push little black key and unleash into the cyber-world this epic tale of fire, deceit and late homecomings!
P.S. Small parts of this email are complete and utter bolloxs! There is however a small amount of truth burried deep within the evil web of lies, spun by my evil spiderous keyboard clicks!
P.P.S. Who said I was crap at English!?
David Wilkins 2003