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Customer: "Hello? Tech-support? Uh, yes, I have service with you and...uh, well, I don't know what program I'm using, but it's not working."
Support: "Okay. What are you trying to do?"
C: "I don't know. I want the Internet."
S: "...Rrright. Are you..."
C: "Well, do I need the modem?"
S: "Yes. You need the modem. Now, are you..."
C: "And what kind of cable do I need for that? The one in the modem box should work, shouldn't it?"
S: "Yes yes, that's right. Uh, is the modem hooked up?"
C: "Yes. I think so."
S: "Okay then. Now listen, are you..."
C: "And does the modem need to be on?"
S: "...Yes, the modem needs to be on. Are you..."
C: "I don't understand why this doesn't work. I put your disks in my computer, but I don't have the Internet."
(beat)
S: "Do you have a gun?"
C: "A gun? Yes I do, right here."
S: "Good. Put the gun to your head."
C: "Is a pistol okay? I don't know what caliber it is."
S: "I'm certain it will be just fine. Is the gun to your head?"
C: "Yes."
S: "Good. Now pull the..."
C: "Wait, let me switch sides, the phone is in the way."
S: "Fine, okay. Now pull the trigger."
C: "The what?"
S: "The trigger! The hook-shaped thing in front of the handle."
*BLAM*
C: "Now what?"
S: "...um...I'm sorry, did you point the gun at your head?"
C: "OH! No, sorry, I was looking at the gun to find the trigger. Ha ha ha."
S: "Okay, look, point the gun at your head, then pull the trigger WHILE IT'S POINTED AT YOUR HEAD."
C: "Okay, hang on..."
*click*
S: "ARGH. Is the gun loaded?"
C: "Loaded?"
S: "ARE THERE BULLETS IN THE GUN?"
C: "Yes. There is one bullet."
S: "OKAY. Set the gun to fire the bullet. Put the gun to your head, then pull the trigger, okay?"
C: "I've never configured a gun before."
S: "Just turn it so that the bullet is at the top."
*click*
S: "Is the bullet in the gun the one you just fired?"
C: "Can't you use the same bullets? I didn't know I was going to have to buy more hardware..."
S: "Okay, forget the gun. Do you have a knife?"
C: "Yes, right here."
S: "Good good. Put the knife to your stomach."
C: "Should I open the knife first?"
S: "YES!!! Of COURSE the knife has to be open!"
C: "Well, I've never actually used this knife before. My brother gave it to me for Christmas last year and well...how about a Salad Shooter?"
S: "Okay, forget the knife. How about sleeping pills, do you have sleeping pills?"
C: "Yes, right here."
S: "GOOD. This should be easy. You'll need the whole bottle, but you want to take them in small groups so that..."
C: "I can't get the bottle open."
S: "CHRIST ON A CROSS WITH NAILS! Don't you ever use these things?!? I thought these were your sleeping pills."
C: "Well, my daughter is the one who opens the bottles. She's not home, though. She's at work."
S: "FORGET IT then. Shit...okay...how high up are you? Which floor do you live on?"
C: "We live on the 27th floor, apt. 2712 in the Murdock Building on Hampton Street in the Theater District just south of..."
S: "OKAY! That's good. Go to the window and open it."
C: "I've got Windows95. Will that work?"
S: "It's...appropriate, yes. But I want you to go to the window in your wall."
C: "Okay, I'm at the window. How do you open the..."
S: "JUST BREAK THE WINDOW! Use your computer. Throw your computer through the window."
*CRASH tinkle tinkle*
C: "Some glass got on the floor."
S: "That's okay, just fine, you won't need the floor when we're done. Now, I want you to jump out of the window."
C: "Okay. I'm going to throw the phone out first and then ask you where I should jump."
