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Men and women are not alike
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Sure, you thought you already knew that. But
now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and
studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship
- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular
basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour
her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go.
Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will
call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and
I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known
as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men
have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove
effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men
consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old
females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why
high school romances rarely work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously,
and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eys and groan and wait
it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked
women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light
of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge
are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time he
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him
from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's
ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means
that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring,
finishes putting on her makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi
wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her
dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work,
she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick
them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking
the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She
can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning
for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the
mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters,
Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their
lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang
license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless
wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark
Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit
in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's
it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named
Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety
of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction.
He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool.
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match
on television, and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a
circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I
recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was
Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous
way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of
that slick guy who works out at the health club and dates only married
women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living
in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do
a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies
has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the
movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the
face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always
has a bad haircut.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell
out $4000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take
photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce
better-looking shots.
POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget
to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of
Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be
able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -
sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical,
and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns,
including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before
he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while
he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the
"ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white
sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way
below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy
ball on the back.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when
they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.
As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.
Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers
and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command,
video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six
"D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she
is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment
full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck
and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call
each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the
use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together
for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski,
they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain,
and Useless.
