Rating: 

The Info

Directed by: Peter Hyams
Written by: Andrew W. Marlowe
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Robin Tunny, Kevin Pollak, Rod Steiger
Produced by: Armyan Bernstein, Bill Borden

The Nutshell

Arnie is an ex-cop who must save the world from Satan on the eve of the millennium.

The Review

    Jean-Claude Van Damme. Steven Seagal. Sylvester Stallone. Arnold Schwarzenegger. These four men have dominated the testosterone-filled world of action films for two decades, yet find their careers in vastly different states of success. Seagal and Van Damme have appeared in straight-to-video fare. Sly attempted a serious drama (Copland), only to be overwhelmed by the combined might of the cast brought in to support him. Only Schwarzenegger's career has remained untarnished, despite poor critical reviews of his last two films, Eraser and Batman & Robin. Arnie takes the time to pick projects that his fans love, and End of Days at first glance fits his resume nicely. It has got Arnie kicking some serious butt with a multitude of weaponry, jumping from helicopters and killing a lot of people. The difference? This time he tries acting.

    Not a lot of acting, mind you. There are no Shakespearean soliloquies in End of Days, though Gabriel Byrne does get some juicy lines as Satan. Arnie's character, Jericho Cane, is simply more three-dimensional than his usual fare. Jericho is an ex-cop who lost his wife and daughter to revenge-minded criminals years back, and he has been emotionally ravaged ever since. Working now for a high-tech security company, Jericho is given the task of protecting a Wall Street investment banker (Byrne), who just happens to be The Devil.

    As with almost any film that heavily involves the Catholic Church, a great deal of time is spent explaining the background to us heathens. In fact, much of the film's first twenty minutes is in the past, where Vatican officials see a sign in the sky. They interpret it to mean that on that night, somewhere, a girl is to be born who is destined to become Satan's bride on New Year's Eve, 1999. To save the planet, the girl must simply be kept away from Satan between 11 PM and midnight that night. After that, the world is safe for another thousand years. This religious backdrop is the film's main flaw. Andrew W. Marlowe's script is so full of mistakes and goofs that it constantly threatens to ruin the film. If I could meet the makers of End of Days, I would instantly have these questions to them:

1. If Satan comes every thousand years, as at least four different priests repeatedly say, what happened in 999, and consequently, if 666 is really 999 upside down, and that is supposed to show us why 1999 is The Big One, where did the 1 go?
2. How exactly did Arnie figure out that the inscription "Christ in NY" actually meant Christine York, Satan's future bride?
3. As a friend pointed out, if the Gregorian Monks figured out exactly when Satan would come, and built our calendar around it, how is it that it wound up being midnight Eastern Standard Time, especially when at the time, the monks did not know America existed, let alone that the Earth was round?

    Arnie's films have never been known for their plausibility, and there is nothing wrong with that. Such lack of reality is a hallmark of the action genre, but End of Days is not an action film per se, thus it warrants different standards. The film is actually many genres rolled into one, including buddy-cop film, horror, religious drama, and Schwarzenegger film. It mixes these film styles uncomfortably, switching from macabre in one breath to Lethal Weapon in the next. Kevin Pollack, who excels at subtly sarcastic characters, is out of place as the Jericho's wise-cracking buddy; this isn't the film for such a character, and director Peter Hyams should have known it. Too many plot developments don't make sense, and frankly, even Arnie can't make the audience accept a Devil who repeatedly gets whupped by firepower. The film opens with a Carmina Burana-esque score by John Depney, and several scenes are dampened by his deafening music. When the Devil finally shows his true self, he is a giant hulking dragon thing made from the same special effects that brought us this year's The Mummy. These effects worked for Mummy, since it was a light film, but didn't work for The Haunting, nor do they for End of Days. They simply aren't scary in any way, and hamper any attempt at tension or fright.

    As the Lord of Darkness, Gabriel Byrne clearly has a lot of fun. One of the most consistently best-written film characters ever is the Devil. Whether it is Byrne, Al Pacino (The Devil's Advocate) or Max Von Sydow (Needful Things), the Devil is always a fun-lovin' evil guy. In End of Days, Satan gets to molest and bed several women, blow up a whole bunch of buildings and control people's minds. He gets in touch with a sizeable army of followers who do much of his dirty work, and gets to slam God and The Bible in a way that is sure to offend The Catholic League. As Christine, the unknowing bride, Robin Tunney is given little more to do than get dragged through the streets by Schwarzenegger, saying things like "What is going on?" and "Why am I dreaming about the devil?". Arnie himself is out of his element playing a real character. Through the occasional set of fake tears and attempts at emoting, one thing becomes clear: Arnie should stick with Arnie films.

    If, like me, you are sick of hearing "millennium this" and "millennium that", stay clear of End of Days. This Apocalypse thriller is meant to scare you and creep you out, but all it will make you do is pray that Y2K comes early, so that theatres will have to stop playing this film. I'm sure Arnie has another $100 million dollar blockbuster under his belt, but most people will choose not to go see this dud a second time.

Copyright - Tim Chandler

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