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Bottom Sounds
THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF BOTTOM SOUNDS ON THE INTERNET (that I know of)
It bloody well is dirty you know there's those three birds on the top of the third pillar from the left with the bit of blue
ribbon gaww some of the things they're doing would make your nose bleed there's a picture of it in the history of art book where is it
Oh well let's not bother with all that now Eddie let's just have dinner
Here it is in your study area that's odd it's fallen open at the exact page extraordinary it's done it again
Yes Well I-I've been studying that picture
Been er studying it quite a lot have you While you're alone in the house
How dare you accuse me of masturbating
Who said anything about masturbating
You did just then
I did not I just said it's odd how it always falls open at that precise page
Yes you did and the reason you said that is because you know that's the picture I always look at when I'm having a w..
You're bags sirWhat are they showing
I don't understand what did we do what did we doWell it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant
I thought she was a girl
They were pectorals you fool
She had an earring
Yeah through her foreskin
Yes which I found out later much to my distress
Righty ho young sonny jim old fella me lad matey skip me old pal from the briny
Oh well hey ho it's all a load of bollocks isn't it
Fancy a taste EddieI would rather cut off my penis with a rusty breadknife
Right fingers on buzzersDon't be so foul
What's in thisBrandy
Good
Meths, Pernod, paint stripper, Mister Sheen, break fluid and Drambuie
Right let's go Oh nadgers what kind do you wantRubber ones
Yeah but there's there's ribbed there's ticklers and there's ultra sensitive
Ripped
Yeah
Who's gonna want a ripped condom
Ah it must be for people who want to get pregnant well I don't think ultra sensitive is our style do you
Nahhh
Right then the tickler it is Oh nadgers what colour
What have they got
There's black there's gold there's Union Jack or there's leopard skin
Which d'you think is the most romantic
Well Union Jack of course
Well Union Jack tickler then
Okey dokey oh nadgers what flavour
Flavour
Yeah there's banana strawberry peanut butter Marmite or cheese and onion
Well everyone likes cheese and onion don't they
Of course they do okey dokey then cheese and onion flavour Union Jack tickler it is bagsy me first go with it
No no no get two
Get two
Yeah
Wild man
Oh Eddie I'm just so depressedAw cheer up Richie there's loads and loads of ugly birds in the world one of them's bound to do it with you sooner or later
But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me I mean she doesn't even need to sleep with me It's the staying awake bit I'm interested in
Hey hey hey hey hey speak of the devil
Well what's the revolver for thenWell to shoot the lock off the roof hatch
Oh good idea eh well look why don't we just use the key
God it's always the same with you isn't it we come up against a problem and what do you do you find a simple sensible solution and everything's okey dokey I get one little chance in my whole lifetime to look a bit sexy to look a bit like Clint Eastwood and by the way I don't want to be called Eddie any more okay I want to be called Dirty Eddie okay so out of the way punk while I shoot off the lock
Look Eddie do you want to be skinned alive and buggered
I'd like to see you try
Do your balls hang low can you swing them to and throw can you tie them in a knot can you tie em in a bow do you get a funny feeling when there hanging from the ceiling or you'll never be a saior if your balls hang low
Still at least we got the duckThe duck
Yeah It's made out of plastic
Eddie what in the name of Greek Buggering is the use of a plastic duck
It floats in the bath hello
But why
It's hollow
Why the duck
It came free with the telly
Eddie everything came free with the telly we were looting why didn't you get a free telly with the telly
Well it'd sink in the bath
Eddie hold me backErm I can't I'm very busy drinking
Eddie's dating videoIs it on alright here we go smooth suave and sophisticated you got it hello girls Eddie Hitler here come and get it yep that ought to do it
Well when did you last go to churchWell I don't have to go I'm Church of England what are you Eddie
I don't know
Well what was your mother
A wrestler
Which one of you is Mr HitlerOh that'll be me
Any relation
Well I've got a mother
No no no no I meant Adolf Hitler
Yes that's her
Can you see alrightErm no thats why I wear glasses
I've I've got excellent eyesight which is remarkable when you think about it
The Bottom end credits theme
If only we had some flaresThis is no time to make a fashion statement we're going to be blown up at dawn
No no I mean distress flares
What like the ones Suzie Quatro used to wear
Yeah well you hardly helped did you stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting wohoo looking for the
Eiffel Tower girlsI got a result
I don't call a kick in the knackers a result
A free drink
Oh yes a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the face
Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady
Cripes It's the gasmanHello I wonder if I could just read your meter
Hello mr gasman
Err yes hello
You what
Hello mr gasman
Er yes hello again I wonder if I could just read your m..
Mr who
Gasman gasman gasman
Do you have someone who looks after you could I see them because I need to read your meter
Who is it darling
Its the gasman
Yes I think we've estasblished that
Well don't leave him out in the cold dreamboat show him in
Now you it's on the management what would you likeOh sexual favours now is it
No
What do you mean no what's wrong with me
Well I would have thought that was patently obvious to everyone
Oh hahahahaha I'm not a homosexual if that's what you're thinking
Well you're not strictly heterosexual are you Richie
Judas I've never done it with a bloke
Yeah but you've never done it with a bird either have you Has he
No no
Well yeah all right yeah all right all right yeah but
I mean I'm heterosexual in intent
Madame Swish 3:30 oh Eddie you haven't oh
what a pal you are Madame Swish ooh-err hohh god at
last I'm really going to do it and on my birthday as well
ohhhggh I wonder what she's likeShe's a dead cert mate a real stayer
Really
Yeah she'll come first
What before me Good grief that's quick so she'll think I'm great oh what a pal you are and it's all paid for
Um not exactly I need a tenner
A tenner right that's quite cheap isn't it
Er well no in that case it's a tenner each way
Well how many ways are there
Well you'll come first second or third won't you
Well how many people are going to be there
Well a few thousand
What
Well it's Kempton
Kempton I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30
you don't have to mate it'll be on the telly
They're going to televise it well what if my auntie's watching
Well what's illegal about betting on a horse
A horse
Yeah
Madame Swish is, is, is a horse
Yeah well what did you think it was
Oh no nothing nothing just checking
I have given you a red hot tip
I know and there's nothing I can do about it now is there
Bottom beginning theme
Back in a jiffyBack in a jiffy don't be so foul
So how do you keep it so warm in here thenWe we make love no not not together you understand on our own err
Thats very interesting takes all sorts don't it
Eddie I'm not trying to trick you into a nudey sauce romp believe me I'd rather stick my genitals in a bees nestKinky
What do you mean kinky how am I kinky
You wan't to stick you genitals into a bees nest
No I don't thats the whole point its sarcasm its a oh look the point I was trying to make is that those sticking ones genitals in a bees nest is a stupendisly unnice thing to do it's nevertheless preferable to having a squiggy sleeping bag session with you
YeahYeah yeah ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description
That is absolutely brilliant suave sophisticated witty bababababa-aaaaaah let's just be economical with the truth um something buck yeah hot young buck
What about badger
Nnnno no I'm more a sort of
Hedgehog
No fox that's good no that's good no that is good
Stoat
Foxy stoat yeeaah yeah it's got a ring to it foxy stoat seeks
Pig
Foxy stoat seeks pig shut up Eddie this is very important Let's see now foxy stoat on the prowl rrrrrrrrr I like that musky musky fox musky sly old foxy stoat minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat
Lietenant Sex Machine Homicide yeah what time damn I'm gonna nail this sick mother even if the DA takes my badge Chief just give me 24 hours ho god I wish I knew what all that meant
God my eyes I really must stop masturbating
Eddie I think we may have found our meurShall I get a mop and a bucket
Well she obviously just sensed my
musky sort of smellYes we've all been sensing your sort of musky smell for nigh on 40 years when will you buy another shirt
This is an original VanderHeussen
Yeah it's THE original Veandy Hosen hasn't had a wash since 1963
Well if you had the common decency to go out and get yourself a proper job and not hang around the flat all day like some vast slug then perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and wash it without the risk of you seeing my nipples
I know the deep movementOnly deep movement you know is when you've had a curry
I am part Red Indian you know
That'll be the curry again
No I am Cherokee d'you know I can even tell when it's going to rain
How d'you do that
Well I sort of look up mystically you know check out the sky if I see any black clouds that's it I think rain
What was your Red Indian name then Running Mouth Sitting Down Talking Bollocks
Dances With The Wind
That'll be the curry again
Eddies impression of RichieOh oh why won't anybody ever have it off with me maybe its because im a big fat ugly bastard with a micoscopic penis
Richies dating videoHelooooh Hello ah eh lovely weather er I I can't see you obviously but I bet you've all got smashing blouses on er um my name's Richard and ah ah heeh I'm looking for a a friend eh well a lover really but failing that a quick wriggle would do oh and by the way I am the Duke of Kiddiminster and extremely rich
I've actually got some asitocratic blood in me you know well I mean they all give blood don't they and I've had loads of transfusions in my life so the chances are I've got quite a lot of nob in me
Hello my name's James Bond not alot of people know thatI dunno maybe death would be a plecid release
Zulus thousands of em what till you see they the whites of your eyes lads they would have won if they kept there eyes closed not alot of people know that
This is a sex shop isnt itYes
I'll have 5 quids worth then
Come on lets shake and make up brrrrrr mmmmmm great gag
Well couldn't we make a parachute out of your trousersWell we could make an aircraft hanger out of yours
Don't you start calling me mr wobbly bottom young lad
And why not mr 2 planets collidng in a pair of pants
Well your a fine one to talk every time you bend over it's like watching 2 zeppelins having it off
Look this is no time for a discussion about the vastness of your bottom we have got to get off the roof you mad man
Goh god eddie your so hardYeah well I am now
There's something outsideYeah well there's bound to be something outside Richie you can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent
You're very philosophical for this time of night Eddie
Yeah well I've had half a bottle of scotch what do you expect
Eddie I need a stiff oneThere'll be plenty of time for that later do you want me to answer the door
No no I mean a drink you fool
Oh right, There you go
Thanks Eddie thats the stuff what was it
Tizer
Why are you putting mayonnaise on your faceIts not mayonnaise it's sun tan lotion
Never heard of low calorie sun tan lotion before
What oh no blast oh god well where's the sun tan lotion then
You squirted that into your cheese roll
But I eat that
Yeah I know
Well why didn't you tell me
Because I don't like you very much
Congratulations it's your birthday it's time for lots of fun so roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum
Trick or treat you bald headed bastard
Yeah but what if I wanna have a wan....a wangle it's it's a medieval folk dance what if I want to have a medieval folk dance on me own in the middle of the night
SpudgunSpudgun why do they call you Spudgun
Well give me a potato and I'll show you why
No no don't Richie you don't want to see that
Well why do they call you hedgehog
Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why
Look why don't we just move on
Hang on this is Wimbledon common isn't itYes
Hey I wonder how much meat you get on a womble
Eddie Eddie wombles don't exist
Oh yes they do I've seen them on the telly
Eddie would it scar you for life if I told you they were just puppets
Yes it would
Good Eddie they were just puppets
Do you know how many birds there are in the worldYeah about 3 billion
Do you know how many of those I've slept with
Yep
None
Yeah I know
I mean statisticly that's really quite phenominal isn't it
Not for an ugly fat bastard like you
Oh yeah I can see your pointWell it's this new skirt it rucks up very easily
