- Selling Apples in NY
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. 'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says. The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
- Australian Tourist at Irish Bar
An Australian tourist was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub when all of a sudden a guy yelled out "Number 47!", and all the other drinkers started laughing. A few minutes later another guy yelled out "Number 77!, and again everybody laughed. The Australian thought this was a bit odd, so he asked the barman what was going on. The barman said, "Well, it's like this - these people have been drinking here for years, and they all tell the same jokes. So a couple of years ago we decided to give each joke a number, and now when someone starts telling a joke, if you think you know what it is you call out the number and if people think it's a funny joke they will laugh." The Aussie thought he'd give this a try. He waited until it was quiet and then stood up and shouted "Number 88!" and everybody laughed loudly and hysterically for ten minutes or more. People were falling over and crying with laughter. The pub was in uproar. The Aussie said to the barman, "So tell me, why did they laugh more at my joke than the others?" And the barman said, "Well, there are two reasons--firstly it was a very funny joke, and secondly, nobody had heard it before." The Aussie's mate tried it calling out, "54" but no-one laughed, when he asked why the barman said, "It's the way you told it" Then the first aussie said "3.142" and the Irish were dumb struck. That's what decimals do to them. 3.142? Sure he wasn't ordering a pi(e)?
- Error Messages
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off." 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
- Sex Education
Johnnie's teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class, because she realizes Little Johnnie's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnnie remained attentive and quiet throughout the entire lesson. Finally, toward the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand and when called on said, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnnie raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by a bunch of cattle rustlers and they all attacked him at one time. He killed every one of them with just his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnnie?" "It'll teach those rustlers not to screw with the Lone Ranger!"
- She always beats me
This guy was sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend. "Oh its my wifie, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards.....everything." The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest!" he exclaims. "Surely you can out distance her on that....do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference." "Ok, I'll do it." So home he goes and says to the wife, "I challenge you to a distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark". So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Next hubby steps up, drops his drawers, grabs his meat when the wife says, "Wait a minute dear, No Hands!"
- How to find back
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
- If my Wife
"If my wife really loved me, she would have married someone else."
- Terrible Mistake
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
- Wrong Finger
Judi the blonde runs crying into the office. "Whatever is wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend Paul the PORSCHE DRIVER" gushes Judi. "He was working on the back engine in the boot of his 911 when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god" shrieks Carol. "It didn't amputate his WHOLE finger!" "No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"
- Like Father like Son
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
- Eye for the details
Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the poop stains are in the front," he said.
- The Proctologist
This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...". Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets (morge attendant) and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The morgue assistant is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the morgue assistant, . "Any asshole can sing country music!"
- The Dinner Party
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!! He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he'd been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
- Q&A
Q. What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A. Marriage.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.
- Golf Knickers
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a fiver to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit !
- Sex #1
Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. Your grip!
- Sex #2
A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed. "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married." "But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired."
- Sex #3
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" When the students finally stopped laughing, the professor responded, "Well, I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
- Sex #4
A man goes to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter, and tells the druggist, "I have three girls coming to my place tonight. I've never been with more than one. I need something to keep me sexually aroused." The druggist unlocks the bottom drawer and pulls out a strongbox. He unlocks the padlock to reveal a bunch of little boxes, and says, "One of these will keep you going for a whole day." The customer says, "I'll take three." He pays for them a walks out. Three days later the man returns to the pharmacy. His penis is dangling out of his pants. It's black and blue, covered with scabs, with flaps of skin hanging off of it. He walks up to the counter and asks the druggist, "Do you have any Ben Gay?" The shocked druggist replies, "You're not going to use Ben Gay on that!" "No," the man said, "The Ben Gay's for my arms. The girls never showed up!"
- Sex #5
Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?" Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem." About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?" "Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"
- Sex #6
This guy has a pain in his arm and is about to see a doctor, and a friend says, "You should try this machine down at the drugstore. All you do is give it a urine sample, and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with you." So the guy prepares a urine sample, goes down to the store, puts it in, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says, "You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks." The guy is thrilled and amazed, thinking this machine will revolutionize medical science. Then he starts thinking, this thing is so good, I wonder if I can trick it. So he goes home and makes a concoction with tap water, some of his dog's feces, and his wife's urine -- and to top it off he masturbates into the mixture. Delighted, he goes down to the drugstore and puts in the sample. The machine churns around for a moment, and then it spits out a piece of paper that says, "First of all, your tap water is hard. Second, your dog has worms. Third, your wife is a cocaine addict. And fourth, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow if you keep masturbating!"
- Sex #7
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms -- so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny -- I dreamed I was skiing!"
- Sex #8
A kid is masturbating behind his garage. His dad happens to walk nearby and hears him. His dad says, "Stop that, boy! It'll make you go blind!" The boy shouts back, "Dad! I'm over here!"
- Sex #9
A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets -- but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally." The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank. One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened -- I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay. A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story. Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom -- I was masturbating and shot the dog!"
- Hey Lady, you're REALLY ugly
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot in a pet store. The parrot squawked at her, "Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!" As you can well imagine, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her job. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and he boomed, "Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!" Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same thing, "Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!" She became so incensed that she barreled into the store and screamed that she would sue the store and single-handedly kill the bird. The store manager tried to placate her and promised that the parrot would never say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot looked at her, blinked and said, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know!"
- Miss Bea
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glas bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imgaine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something.....! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea", he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about this", (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes", she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter"!!
- Sore Tummy
A blonde went to her doctor complaining of a sore on her tummy. As she lays down on the examining table, her doctor says "I'm going to have to put my finger into your navel to examine the skin." "Hey!" she exclaimed, "that's not my navel!" "That okay," the doc replied, "that's not my finger!"
- Can't find my Ring
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the blonde, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?" "No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
- Fatal Sex
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's dick and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."
- Change in Plans
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?" "It's okay," replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, that's all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his fathers prick. "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing now?" "Son, there's been a change in plans," his dad replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
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