The Formal Business Letter
Look at the following letter, and say what is wrong with it.
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Dear Sir,
I am a good Chritian boy of 35 years of age and I don't drink. I am begging for a job because I need work. My mother is very sick, and all my brothers are layabouts, so I am the only breadwinner. If you don't give me the job, my mother will die, and I don't know what I will do then.
Also, my sister, Edith, who is only eight years old, is very irresponsible and has failed grade 2, so we must pay school fees for a wasted year! What a senseless waste of money! If you employed me, I would not waste money like this, either yours or mine. I would be very responsible. I am a responsible person.
I am looking for a job as a clerk. I have my matric, which I passed with flying colours, achieving an E aggregate! I am sure I could do the job which you advertised in "The Star" on Saturday, I think it was last Saturday, but I am not sure. The job is for me.
I am sure that you will consider my application favourably and will look upon me with a kind heart. I am sending my CV as you requested. Please tell me what is wrong with it and I will change it.
Yours faithfully
Thomas Skorogoro
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I am sure you noticed the following:
- The letter is too long. Businessmen and women are busy people and do not have time to read through your family history, interesting though this may be! In English culture it is considered polite to get to the point quickly and not waste a superior's time. This offends African sensibilities, but this is an English class, so we will follow English ways.
- The letter has personal information about your family which is irrelevant to the task of getting a job. A good business letter sticks to the point, and does not get personal. This is especially so with a first conatct. When you are familiar with the boss or a client it is then appropriate to ask about their wife, or get a little personal. You should never do this in a letter of application.
- The letter has no header between the "Dear Sir" and the body to let the reader know what the letter is about. A secretary would need to know what the letter was about at a glance so that it could be sent to the right person, or placed in the proper file. The boss would want to know what the letter was about so that it could be put with other similar letters, or treated as urgent if need be. The lack of a header adds to the chances that the letter will get mis-filed and lost.
- The letter is too informal in tone, almost suggesting intimacy. This may annoy the reader because it is presumptuous. Why would someone you don't know care a fig for your stupid sister or ailing mother?
- The letter puts ideas into the reader's head. If you say you don't drink it suggests you do! If you say you are responsible it suggests you aren't. remember, innocent people assume no-one would suspect them of anything. Your tone should sound business-like, sober and responsible.
- The letter is too vague. The writer does not say what job they are applying for exactly, s/he doesn't even know when the advert appeared. bad mistake. Who would employ someone who can't even organize a proper business letter.
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Re-write the letter, using the proper format, and keeping the tone formal, business-like and above all short! Remember to use a header such as "Re: Clerical job advertised in ...."
Here is the original Ad to help you.
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Clerk wanted for music publishing company. Matric essential. Driver's licence a must. An interest in music would be a plus. Send CV.
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You do not need to write the CV - we'll save that for another day! Let your teacher see your letter when you have finished it.
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